For the Rest of Your Life: Diet, or Lifestyle?

Over the past decade or so, it seems like "dieting" has become a dirty word. Everyone wants to use the term "lifestyle change" instead. If you're on a "diet", it's assumed you are doing something drastic or unsustainable and as soon as you stop the "diet" you will gain back any weight you gained, but if you have a "lifestyle change" then you'll lose all the weight and maintain that loss for life.

While there is some truth to that assumption, it is not really accurate. It certainly is the trendy thing to say: "I made a lifestyle change." Nothing wrong with that. But the word "diet" just means what you are eating. And if you change what you are eating, permanently, then your weight and health will also change accordingly. The negative connotation with "dieting" lies in the fact that *most* people who lose weight DO gain it back. But why? Why do people regain the weight? It's just because they DID go back to their old eating habits. And that is, I think, what people *really* mean when they say "lifestyle change." They mean, "I am not just doing this for 6 months or a year. I am changing permanently!"

Permanent change is *essential* to permanent weight loss. That's common sense. It doesn't matter if you are doing South Beach or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Medifast or the Cookie Diet or clean eating or calorie counting; once you "stop" doing it, if you go back to your old overeating ways you will regain the weight. In fact, the blogging world is *full* of people who made a "lifestyle change" but then "went off" and regained all their weight, because they did not stick with their chosen lifestyle. You can't just stop whatever you're doing to lose weight, eat a bunch of cookies and Big Macs, and think the weight won't come back. But does that mean you *must* lose the weight using whatever method you want to continue forever?

No. I don't think it does.

I often get comments and emails saying that I cannot succeed because I cannot do Medifast forever. Sometimes the comments are phrased nicely: "I worry about you because can you really do Medifast for the rest of your life?" Sometimes they're not so sweet: "You're just going to regain all the weight you lose because there is no way you can do Medifast for the rest of your life!" But the common phrase in all these queries is, "for the rest of your life." Can you do Medifast for the rest of your life?

Well, no. Of course not. But I also don't want to lose weight for the rest of my life. I know lots of folks will disagree with me on this, and that's fine. But this is how *I* see it. I am in the "losing weight" phase of my life. It's a season... a set time frame. Maybe it'll last a few years, maybe months, who knows? But at *some* point I will be finished with losing weight, and will have a new 'forever' goal: maintaining the loss. And the tools I need for each phase can be different.

When the kids were all little and in car seats and booster seats, I needed a mini van. When I bought it, no one said to me, "but do you really want to drive a mini van for the rest of your life??" because it is understood that in different seasons of life, we have different needs. The mini van served me well, running five kids around to soccer and baseball and dance. As my children grow up and move out, the mini van loses its utility, and I start thinking about what vehicle will work for me NOW. Maybe it's time to get a sedan, or a smaller, more gas-efficient car. When I only have one child left to drive around then I won't need eight seats in my car anymore. So I'll sell the van and get something else that works for me.

In the nearly three years that I have been blogging, I have used many 'tools' to lose my weight. I started out just eating more fruits and vegetables and less junk, and I dropped a good chunk of weight. When that was not enough, I started calorie counting. That worked great for awhile, then slowed. I added exercise. That helped. When I plateaued and struggled for a year and a half even with counting calories and eating nutritious foods, it was time for a new tool. And for me, that tool was Medifast. I admit I was hesitant and skeptical at first. But I was willing to give it a shot, because it seemed balanced and useful *to me*. And I have learned *so much* on this program... this "diet." I've lost my obsession with food. I've been given a glimpse into normalcy, without binges, without constantly battling and relapsing and fighting compulsions to eat. I've learned what it is like to have a life not dominated by food-and-diet thoughts. Isn't that ironic, that a 'diet' is what helped me lose my weight-loss obsession?

I wake up happy. My pains and headaches are mostly gone. I have my five Medifast meals every day, 2-3 hours apart... things like protein bars, bowls of chili, chicken rice soup, and other protein-packed mini-meals. I have dinner with my family as well, and have learned to prepare low carb, delicious meals with lots of lean protein and fresh vegetables. I love this way of eating. I eat at least 72 grams of protein and no more than 100 grams of carbs each day. I make sure to get in my healthy fats like olive oil. I bike or walk for 30 minutes most days. And I have dropped about 30 pounds in the past 3 months.

Medifast is a TOOL. It is MY tool for this weight loss season. Can I do it forever? Of course not. Yes, Medifast does have a transition plan and a maintenance plan for when people get to their goals. It teaches you how to eat properly for maintenance, and I will likely go through those programs and blog about them here. But no, I don't intend to 'diet' forever. I already know how I want to eat forever. I want to eat the way I learned to eat before Medifast: whole foods, local foods. Lots of local, grass fed, free range chicken/eggs/beef/pork. Lots and lots of local organic produce. But what I *will* keep from my Medifast experience is eating higher protein and lower carb. I'll add fruits and grains back in, in moderation, but I intend to keep my carbs low and protein intake high. I'll also keep the "mini meals every 2-3 hours" concept. It helps me a lot! I'll keep exercising, and hopefully even increase it as I lose weight.

I know some people DO plan to diet forever. And that's fine for them. Me, I have no desire to count points until I am 90. I have no intention of counting every calorie for the next 50 years. For ME, maintenance will call for different tools. It will be a different season. Diets and Lifestyle Changes are *not* mutually exclusive. One CAN use a diet as a tool, but also permanently change their way of eating and exercising. My lifestyle has *definitely* changed forever. I am never going back.

Yikes, A Gain!

Funny thing. I knew the scale would be up this morning due to the off plan eating with company, but I thought I would have the usual frightened reaction.

"Yikes! A Gain! OMG! I am going to gain all the weight back! I am out of control! What am I gonna do? This is horrible!" followed by hysteria and self deprecation.

I am used to it. A slight fluctuation doesn't bother me. It hasn't since I began daily weighing back in 2007. I graph my weight on Sparkpeople, I see the usual 1-pound ups and downs and note the hormonal correlation, and they just don't bother me anymore. But a bigger gain still used to freak me out, especially if it was related to eating off-plan. I'd get so worried that I was going to flip out and binge and regain all the weight (because that's what I've done in the past) and I'd be terrified I would lose control. It is a *very difficult* thing to regain control when you've totally lost it; it seems almost impossible to yank ones' self back out of the pit of despair once you've fallen all the way back in.

But I am happy today. In fact, I am content. Even though the scale said 206 (in fact, it was a bit *over* 206 but not as close to 207 on my dial, so I'll go with 206), I am fine with that. I weighed 204 last Sunday, so that's a 2 pound gain for the week. I'd gotten down to 203 midway through the week. I gained 3 pounds in 3 days. So why am I content? How can I be happy?

Because I finally have PEACE with the food, with the weight loss and the process. I am *not* out of control. Like I said yesterday, this is life. It's okay to relax and just BE. I no longer have the *need* to focus all my attention on "OMG what can I eat?" and "OMG how will I get control?" I don't have to put all my energy into the Diet-And-Binge mentality like I used to. I think it was a distraction for me. In some warped way I *liked* feeling out of control and being absolutely obsessed with *getting* control. I think it took me away from my *real* problems and my real pain.

So instead of, "Yikes, a Gain!" I feel very much at peace today. Eating healthy, prepping some delicious, freshly-caught salmon for dinner, enjoying a peaceful weekend with my children. My mind is free to focus on and manage the issues that used to lie buried under a mound of ice cream and chocolate sauce and my life is, therefore, improving. My peace is growing and the anxiety that used to plague me is shrinking. I like this place.

Medifast has helped me learn a lot about myself. It's helped me lose the obsession with food and weight loss. But you don't have to be on Medifast or Weight Watchers or Atkins or ANY specific diet to gain this peace. You just have to find what works for *you.* If you have a problems with sugar and carbs, feeling obsessed and driven to eat them even when you don't want to, then going low carb is my recommendation. You can do that by following South Beach, or any other low carb plan such as Medifast. You can start by just cutting out sugar and white flour, and work your way up to a way of eating that is based mainly on lean protein and lots of vegetables. For me, staying under 100 grams of carbs per day is key. I usually stay closer to 85 grams. Lots of protein, too... at least 72 grams, often closer to 100 grams. You can play around with it and make your own plan. When you feel like food is no longer an obsession for you, you know you've hit the jackpot. But the main key is to *never* give up. Keep trying. Fall, get up. Fall, get up. Fall, get up. I have been doing this for almost 3 years. If you put in the time, you WILL get the results.

If you'd like to read about Medifast and why I chose to try it a couple months ago, you can read this post. If you are planning to try it yourself, there's a coupon code here that is expiring soon. I am definitely going to continue Medifast for at least another month.

If you're going to be barbecuing tomorrow, be sure and grill some healthy options. For protein, how about salmon, chicken breasts, lean steak, extra lean ground beef burgers, turkey burgers, or Boca burgers? And don't forget the best part: grilled vegetables! Just toss the veggies in a bit of olive oil and seasonings (salt & pepper or whatever you like) and grill or put on kabobs. I love to grill asparagus, zucchini & summer squash sliced lengthwise (so they don't fall through the grill), eggplant, colored peppers, mushrooms, and onions. Yummy! Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Off Plan but Had Fun :)

Wow, I had a GREAT time with my company. I thoroughly enjoyed having them here and feel rejuvenated emotionally. But physically I am a wreck!!

The good:
I had 100% on-plan dinners that I prepared, with my usual lean protein and lots of fresh veggies.
We walked a mile each day, together.
I had my Medifast bar and green tea for breakfast each day.
I stayed low carb, for the most part, until today.
I skipped the donuts when we all stopped at the coffee shop and everyone else was having sweets.
I did NOT eat a ton of junk.
I did not drink any alcohol even though everyone else was.

The bad:
I did not get in all my Medifast meals.
Yesterday my guests brought some appetizers in, and I had some of them. I had a few slices of full fat cheese, a bit of a nice (but rich) pate (in fact I had more than a bit of this. I ate too much of it), and while THAT would have really been ok because of being low carb, I ate two things I really had been determined NOT to eat. I had about 5 Ritz crackers, and a handful of... POTATO CHIPS. (Yeah, omg. I remember writing that post about never eating fried potatoes again and as I was having a few I wondered if I was going off the rails completely. I really did. But I didn't feel guilty. I ate them because they were a "special" kind someone brought for us to try and they looked really good. But I think, in the future, I *will* be avoiding them completely).
Today was the worst day dietarily. I started out ok but my dear guests made brunch (it was a dish I'd requested they make over 8 months ago so this was done for ME) and I so wanted to enjoy it with them, so I just did. No guilt, just life. I had a serving of this yummy dish which contained probably a lot of fat and salt, but also was pasta-based, and enjoyed every bite. I am not a diet Nazi and didn't feel that my Medifast diet was somehow more important than enjoying something we'd planned months ago, and I think I made the right decision on this one. I felt like as long as I could rein it in and not let it turn into a week-long free-for-all, it was an okay choice. However, it *did* set off some cravings and I had 2 pieces of white toast with butter and one BITE of pie as well. I also took one BITE of ice cream and it was so sickeningly sweet I almost spit it in the sink. Seriously, how did I ever eat that stuff! It was vile.

So anyway, I was left this afternoon (with guests gone) wondering, now HOW exactly do I get back on plan? When and where and at what point am I on plan again? I ate a couple of cheese slices as I pondered this. And then, because I had a bellyache (not from eating too MUCH, because I was in fact moderate, but from eating the wrong kinds of stuff) I decided that yes, I should just start right this minute and *be* on plan. So I'll have my Medifast meals on schedule the rest of the day, drink lots of water, and have a healthy Lean & Green dinner. And that's that. Back on plan.

I do feel rather ill and I woke up with a splitting headache today, so that's incentive enough to get it in gear. The scale was up to 205 (from 203) this morning, which is mostly carb & sodium bloat, but I think that will go back down within 3 days. I will bike tonight. My weigh-in tomorrow might not be too great, but I think I'll be pleased with the month overall on June 1st.

Happy weekend! See you tomorrow!

Just some stuff.

I have been super busy today! I have company coming to stay for several days so I might not get a ton of writing done, but I am 100% on plan. A few random tidbits:

-my forearms have suddenly gotten kinda mushy. I noticed that when I started dropping weight around my hips, the fat went from firm to squishy and then I shrunk. So maybe I am about to lose some forearm fat.

-I took my little one to a picnic with some other moms. I was amazed at the lunches these little ones were eating: bags of chips, Cheetos, Kool Aid packets, sodas, candy, cookies, and fast food. Admittedly that is what my sons' picnic lunches used to look like ten years ago, so I don't *judge*, I was just observing and thinking about how come we adults think that is an okay way to feed our kids. I was thinking about how I was raised the same way, on chips and candy and cookies and McDonalds and how that is pretty much *how it is* in our society. And then I looked at my daughter with her juice and whole wheat crackers and cheese and hummus and I looked at my lunch of Medifast pretzels and a string cheese and iced green tea and I thought, really, I am just thankful I know how to better feed myself and my kids now.

-I had pinkeye for 3 days and it made me feel very run down. I was tired and crabby and I got pretty much nothing done at all. On top of that I seem to have injured my knee (how? who knows?) and have been limping around all week. It hurts A LOT to go up stairs but I am actually still able to take the stairs several times a day, something I could not do at 278 pounds even without an injury. Because of the injury and then the illness, today makes day 7 of NO exercise. I miss it. I would LOVE to walk or bike but I just wasn't able. I am giving the knee another day or two and then after my company leaves I will get back to daily biking or walking.

-Tonight for dinner I had a big bowl of cucumber salad with vinegar, lite sour cream and dill, and a couple of rotisserie chicken thighs. Yum.

-I am way, WAY behind on my emails. I get about a dozen blog-related emails per day, sometimes 20 or more, and I have always tried to answer anything personal within a week. But I had a big problem with one of my email accounts that took me a couple weeks to (sort of) straighten out and I have been pretty busy, so if you've emailed me and not gotten a response yet please forgive me. I read EVERY email right away but don't always get to answering them til later, and it has just been crazy 'round here with kid stuff etc. But thank you SO MUCH for the support. I really appreciate it!

-Overall, life is good.

Catch ya later :)

Eating Out, and Choices

Last night I went out to dinner. I love going out to eat because then I don't have to cook! An invitation to eat out used to put fear into me because I knew I'd have a rough time with the food. I'd go in, look at the menu and cave for Fettuccine Alfredo with garlic bread. And since I was doing *that*, I may as well have a couple of Cokes and a piece of cheesecake...

I do it differently now. I have to say this is something I learned from Medifast that I never expected to learn: how to order in a restaurant. There's no official direction on this from Medifast that I know of, but since my dinner is supposed to fit within a certain guideline, I just naturally figured out how to make that work when eating out. My big meal of the day is supposed to be 5 to 7 ounces of lean protein, 3 servings of vegetables (NOT potatoes) and some healthy fats. A few condiments are allowed, too. I have to say this has made eating out *so easy* for me. Last night went like this:

Walked into a nice seafood restaurant.
Ordered my beverage: unsweetened iced tea with some slices of fresh lemon. (I always get fresh lemon to add to my water or tea. It feels fancier.)
Scanned the menu for my protein. I narrowed it down to salmon, sturgeon, or lingcod and decided on the sturgeon (because I can have salmon anytime. My son catches it). Looked over what kinds of garnishes and/or sauces come on the protein and decide if I want them or not (I do not eat any sweet sauces, but sometimes decide to have some other sauce on the side).
I always IGNORE the breadbasket. If I need to pay attention to it at all (like while I am buttering my kid's bread), I hold a piece to my nose and smell it. I enjoy the aroma but don't eat any.
Asked the waiter what comes with the dish. Last night he said "au gratin potatoes and asparagus." At this point I ALWAYS eliminate the potato/rice/pasta side and ask for "double veggies" instead. He was glad to oblige. I then requested "no butter, oil, or salt on the vegetables, please." No problem.
Then, because I was guessing this will probably still not be 3 whole servings of vegetables, I ordered a salad as well. I asked what is on the salad, and told the waiter I'd like NO croutons, cheese, or other off plan stuff. Just mixed greens and veggies (and last night I opted to leave in the fresh crumbled bacon. Yum!) and I always get the dressing on the side.
The waiter is always happy to make it how you like it. Don't be afraid to ask! So my dinner looked like this:

2 tall glasses of iced tea with fresh lemon slices
a lovely salad of spinach and fresh mushrooms and bacon. I used about 1T of dressing (I dip my fork in it and then spear the salad)
a generous helping of fresh grilled sturgeon and steamed asparagus with a side of lemon chive butter sauce (which I dipped my fork into and used sparingly on my fish and veggies)

It was FANTASTIC. SO flavorful and moist and delicious. I loved every single bite and it was perfect. I was filled but not tired and weighed down by the food. I felt wonderful after eating this.

Sometimes I order an appetizer but I go for the low carb stuff with some nutritional value: smoked salmon, cheese, ahi tuna roll... that kind of thing. And I just have a few bites.

I never thought I'd love dinners with no potatoes, pasta, bread, or rice! But I do. I love eating this way and feel amazing. I will eat this kind of dinner for the rest of my life! I do intend to have the occasional piece of crusty bread with soup, but for the most part my dinners will be looking like this forever. I just feel so much better eating this way.

Sure, I'd like a brownie. But I like living better. I might want some of that chocolate mousse my dining companions were eating, but I am not willing to give up what I have now and want most for *that.*

I came across this Shakespeare quote the other day and wanted to share it here. Next time you think you really, really think you HAVE to have a brownie or a can of Pringles, remember this:

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?
A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy-
Who buys a minute's mirth to wail a week?
Or sells eternity to get a toy?
For one sweet grape who will the vine destroy?

Think about it.
Choose wisely.

Scale says: 203.

And I feel...

...angry.

No, I am not wallowing in anger, but lately, just over the past week or so, I've had moments when I am almost livid because I am losing the weight.

I am not upset that I am losing weight; I *want* to lose weight. I chose to. But that's what makes me so angry. The fact that I am doing it, and am going to get to my goal, is proof to me that I could have done this at any time.

The lost years, the missed experiences, all those things that happened to me that were painful and difficult because of my weight... all of that was MY FAULT. It was NOT unavoidable, I was NOT helpless, and I had the power to end it. But I didn't.

It sounds almost accusatory. "Hey, fatty, quit eating so much and get off your butt!" I've heard it, you've heard it. I don't *mean* to be saying that to myself (and certainly not to anyone else), but a part of me now realizes that yes, I am capable of changing my life. And then I feel angry because I didn't do it sooner, when I could have. But I didn't know HOW.

If I'd tried harder... if I'd learned sooner... maybe I could have saved those ten years of being obese and focusing on food and eating and dieting instead of focusing on LIVING. I can never get those years back. I cannot go back and be an active healthy mother to my children because they are almost grown. I cannot get back the years I didn't tuck in my babies because 1) I felt too fat to risk sitting on their little beds and breaking them, and 2) my knees hurt too much to go up and down the stairs to their bedrooms. I look at pictures of my little boys and I want to weep because I can never have them back as they were. I can never lie on their beds and tell them stories, because 18-year-olds do not want their moms on their beds and college students just don't have time for stories anymore. I can never go back to the lake with my little boys and go out in a boat with them, even though now I am not over the weight limit and am unafraid I will tip the boat and drown us all, because I no longer have little boys who want to go boating with their Mommy. And I can't get back the chances to run and practice soccer with my guys because now they don't play soccer anymore. Yes, I have my daughter, and I *am* doing all of those things with her. But she is not them, and my little sweet boys are grown and I lost that chance to do those things with them. Forever.

I can never get back the years I wasted immersing myself in food obsession. I can't go back and help my son with a science fair project instead of being intent on baking 4 dozen chocolate chips cookies. I *know* I was a good mom, really. I loved my children and still love them more than life, and everything I ever did in my life was FOR them. Except for the eating. The food. It got in the way. It got me fat. It took away many, many hours that could have been spent elsewhere. I knew all of this before, but now that I have had some months free from the food addiction and have seen just *how much* more time I have and how much more focus I have for my children, the sense of loss is that much greater. I didn't *really* know what I was missing before... now I do. And I ache for what I've lost.

Part of me believed, I think, that I was *incapable* of losing weight and getting to a healthy size and letting go of the food. Even when I was losing weight over the past two years, I didn't FULLY internalize that I would ever succeed. Get *some* extra weight off? Yes, sure. But all of it? No. I'd always be obese and I'd always be obsessed with food. It was who I thought I AM. A binge eater. A compulsive eater. Someone who will always struggle with food and always be dieting and losing and regaining just like my mother did. After all, there was something *wrong* with me. It was pretty much impossible for me to change it.

But now, it HAS changed. I see that not only is it *possible* to be free of binge eating and food obsession, but it is WITHIN MY POWER. As I lose weight I am almost in a state of disbelief. 204 pounds??? What??? I am shocked even at the same time that I am confident that it will happen. And that's where the anger comes in: just like I used to feel kind of angry when I saw someone else who was really big losing the weight and succeeding, I am mad at *myself* for doing it. Because when someone succeeds at weight loss, it means it IS POSSIBLE. And that used to piss me off because I wanted to think it WAS NOT possible, that they were going to fail, just like I always failed. And now that it is *me* doing it, and I am not failing, I have no choice but to acknowledge that I was wrong. It is possible. It is in my power. And that makes me angry for not doing it sooner and for wasting TEN YEARS telling myself that *I Could Not* when, in fact, I could.

As I said, I am not overcome with anger, nor am I angry on a daily basis. It's just this big, new feeling that hits me every once in awhile. It's just another thing I need to work through. I do focus on doing good things with my time NOW. I do rejoice in the blessed freedom I am experiencing... the better health, the quality of life, the smaller pants sizes. All of it is wonderful. But I needed to acknowledge these emotions, so that I can allow myself to grieve just a bit and then forgive myself and go forward. Because I don't want to waste any *more* time being angry.

I wrote this not just for me, but for you. I know there are people out there who are where I was ten years ago. Maybe you have children, maybe not. Maybe you are missing out on soaking in the wonder in your baby's eyes, or the love in your spouse's touch, or the beauty of the sunset because you are focused on food, bingeing, dieting. You have to realize that your moments are slipping by. That baby will be gone to college in a flash. Your spouse will not live forever... neither will you. Your parents won't always be around to love you. This day has wonders you do NOT want to miss... you do not NEED to miss. Believe me. This is no fluke. YOU, you personally, have the power to be FREE of that kind of food obsession. You do NOT have to just watch other people succeed. You are capable. Please, I beg you, do NOT let days and months and years fly by and find yourself middle aged and angry because instead of memories of bike riding with your son or playing tag with your daughter all you have is a hundred memories of chocolate chip cookies going into your mouth, over and over and over. That is no way to spend your precious life. Please learn from me, don't let my regrets become your regrets.

I am treasuring every single second I have with my children, young and grown, now. I revel in the sweetness of my daughter and the shine of her golden hair the way I used to revel in a carton of fudge ripple ice cream. I notice my son's wit and talent with the energy I used to spend worrying about what kind of Doritos I'd have after dinner. I love every moment of my life and want it to be as rich and meaningful as possible... and I can't, and won't, find that richness in a bag of Fritos.

I feel like writing this post is in some way cathartic. It's the culmination of the anger I had towards myself, and the beginnings of forgiveness. I am ready... truly ready now... to leave that era behind and create a new one in which I am fully awake and alive, treasuring every moment.

Letting Go and Moving On

Back in 1996, I gave birth to my youngest son. It seems like just yesterday I was holding him, all tiny and new in the hospital, but I look up now and see a 14-year-old boy. So much has happened since then, but for just a moment I'd like to reminisce about what happened in 1996 and 1997 to lead me from 'overweight' to 'morbidly obese.'

It happened kinda fast. I'd been 140ish in my late teens and early 20's. After my second child was born, I hung out around 170 for the most part, and after the third, I bounced between 165 and 199, with dieting and exercise. I remember the first time I was 199 on the scale back in 1994: I was horrified. It was much to close to TWO HUNDRED pounds, which was HUGE and unfathomable and I vowed I'd never cross that line. I managed to stay under 199 until after my last son was born in 1996. And then, in May, I saw it: 201 pounds. I was absolutely appalled. I was 26 years old, had an infant, a toddler, a preschooler and a kindergartner, and had just moved to a new state where I was desperately unhappy and lonely. Food had become a solace. But I was determined to get back to my goal of 140 pounds.

I started a diet program called "Winning at Thinning." I'd write down all my meals ahead of time and then just stick to what was on my list (and on one such list that I found were things like cocoa krispies, hot dogs, and donuts. But I was staying under 1500 calories. I had very little nutritional knowledge then.) I managed to go from 201 in May to 174 in September by writing out my menus, swearing off all chocolate candy, and walking daily. I joined a gym, too... one with a child care facility. I remember walking around the track above the indoor pool one day and as I neared the mirrored walls at the end, I saw my reflection and was stunned that I no longer looked fat. In fact I looked pretty good! I was really proud of myself.

Then my "diet buddy" who was doing Winning at Thinning with me quit. She started eating junk and gaining weight. I got really frustrated. I remember thinking it was taking SO LONG. And I went off plan too, getting back up to 180 pounds in short order. I wanted to put on the brakes, so in November I went to the doctor. He recommended Phen Fen. That was the "miracle pill" back then... take it and you don't want food anymore! No one knew yet about the heart problems it would cause. I remember being torn about whether or not to take it; I was still breastfeeding my baby and had wanted to do so until he was a year old. He didn't seem ready to fully wean. But I wanted to lose weight more than anything, so I quit nursing cold turkey and started the pills the next day. It's one big regret I have; I wish I'd have let him wean naturally. And I didn't get far on the Phen Fen, either; back down to 174, and then went off the drug within a month due to unpleasant side effects (mood swings, exhaustion).

1997 began with me weighing 187 pounds (I'd regained 13 pounds in one month) and I was once again determined to lose weight. By April I'd struggled down to 184 pounds. And that is, from my records, the last time I weighed under 200 pounds. Thirteen years ago.

How I actually went from 184 in April 1997 to 227 less than a year later and 245 at the end of 1998, well, it's kind of a blur. I got a computer and started doing a lot more sitting, spending time online instead of exercising. I hurt my knee for the first time (torn meniscus) and couldn't exercise as much. I had marriage problems, money problems, and ended up divorced during that time. I had to pull my son from preschool and cancel my gym membership because I couldn't afford those things anymore. In fact I had my power shut off for non payment in the winter. It was rough. I was unhappy.

1997 184
1998 245
1999 232
2000 262
2001 245
2002 (no record, but still in the same range)
2003 270

No fun.

So now, I weigh 204. That's what brought up these memories. Every time I see a new number it's like a trip down memory lane to the last time I weighed that. Back to 1997-98, when my whole life fell apart for awhile.

Before I was *this big*, I was a different person in a lot of ways. I remember being 170, 180, 190... and feeling so HUGE. I was in my 20s. Honestly, I don't know how to be a non-obese 40-year-old. I *know* how to be a seriously obese woman, I got that down. But learning to *be* something else, it's kind of hard. It's a bit of a challenge. Some of it is fun and some if kind of tough, but I will work it out. I think part of it is just trying to have a cohesive identity, and since so much has changed in 13 years it is not just the weight I am having to get my head around.

I was: super religious, mom of boys, mom of many little kids, married, relatively healthy, stay-at-home mom, rather uneducated, dependent, youthful, energetic.

Who am I now? The facts are easy. I have teens and a preschooler. I am 40. I have my degrees. I'm losing weight and getting healthier. But the rest? Kind of hard to define. Kind of difficult to picture myself in my head, since the self-image is changing so much. I used to sort of think of myself as a fat slug. I was mad at myself for getting that way. I have let that self-image go, and my confidence is building. I guess this whole thing is just going to take time.

As I near that 199/200 mark, I think about the numbers a lot. They're *more* than just numbers, to me. They represent years and stages of my life. And I really want to let go of the 200+ stage, forever. I am ready to be done with it and move on to better things.

Weigh-In, and Changes

This week was super busy. Even today I am still doing dance stuff with my little girl. It's awesome and fun and the recitals are heartwarming! But the schedule messed with my eating a bit and my exercise a lot. Usually I have my big protein-and-veggies meal at dinner, but I was gone at dinnertime a lot so I had it at lunch a few times. I also had to bring food with me and eat it on the run more often this week. But I stuck with my plan and didn't eat crap.

Exercise-wise, it was not as good as it has been. I'd been doing 30 minutes of walking or biking 6 days a week and aiming for 2 weight lifting sessions (at home) per week. I did not get on my bike at all this week, but I walked 30 minutes twice and 45 minutes once. I also walked to the park a couple of times with my daughter. I only strength trained once. I aim to ramp up the exercise this coming week.

But this morning I weighed in at 204 pounds. That's a loss of FOUR pounds this week! That's a fantastic number! Last week I lost nothing and the week before I lost 3. On Medifast, I tend to lose weight well every other week (correlating to hormones) and then have a week in between with 0 or 1 pound gone. So I am thrilled with the results this week!

204 is an amazing number to me. I am really closing in on brand new territory here. My clothes continue to get looser. The shirts that have fit me just fine for *forever* are not just BIG on me now, they are actually falling off my shoulders and looking saggy. Honestly this week I was shocked at how many of my shirts have suddenly gone from looking great to looking way too big, and when my favorite bra wouldn't stay up I was just stumped. The straps kept falling off my shoulders and I felt quite unsupported, and then I realized, "huh, maybe I need a smaller bra now." My remaining size 18 jeans are just about to be retired, and the 16s are very comfortable and not at all tight. And when I have pictures taken of me, I no longer have ANY chance of extra chins showing up. I cannot remember how long it's been... eleven years maybe?... since I didn't have to be sure and hold my head up really high and stretch my neck up a bit to try and make my extra chins disappear in a photo. This feels really, really good.

That's all for today. I'm off to have fun!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Indulgence

Last week, I had a day where I felt listless and out of sorts. I am used to having a lot of pressing things to attend to, always having a kid or two with me, being scheduled up with appointments, etc. But there was one day last week when I had nothing planned at all. I was going to have two and a half hours of free time while my daughter went to preschool! Since I had no pressing *stuff* to do, I thought I'd take the time to relax. A couple of months ago, this is what those hours would look like:

Drop off daughter. Go to the park and take a nice long walk. Go to Starbucks and get a tall nonfat mocha, and take it home to my wonderfully *empty* and silent house to sit in my living room and soak in the rare alone time while sipping my drink. Then pick up my daughter, refreshed.

Well, my house wasn't going to be empty. It wasn't going to be quiet, not this time. I didn't want to go home and sit in the living room listening to someone else snore, and I didn't want conversation. I wanted to be ALONE. Since that was not possible, I started feeling a bit irritable. I hardly EVER get time absolutely alone and undisturbed. In fact, lately, it's been *never.* Not fair. So I figured I'd just go take my walk in the park... and then as I was dropping my daughter off at preschool it started to rain. No way! I didn't have an umbrella or a raincoat or anything and was definitely *not* in the mood for getting cold and wet.

I felt aimless and sad that my oh-so-rare alone time was being spoiled. I didn't really feel like shopping, or need anything in particular, but I decided to go to Target and look around a bit, hoping the rain would abate. And a funny thing happened when I was in Target. I was walking past the food aisles and suddenly I had the urge to buy a bag of chips, some soda, candy and cookies and sit in my car and eat it all. I really wanted to, for just a moment. I remember when I used to actually *do* that, a couple years ago. I used food as my entertainment source... as my distraction. When I was feeling bad, I'd 'treat' myself to some indulgences and at least, for the moment, I'd feel better. It was my way of filling the time with something that brought me pleasure instead of the unhappy thoughts and feelings that might otherwise surface.

I walked past the chips and candy, got a couple of non-food items, and left. When I got in my car, instead of being giddy with anticipation and excitedly tearing wrappers open to give myself an endorphin rush, I was left with those uncomfortable, unhappy feelings about my day not turning out how I wanted it to. I looked across the street at the Starbucks and I got mad. A Starbucks latte is no way, no how on my eating plan right now. When I was just calorie counting, I'd treat myself to a nice latte from Starbucks 2 or 3 times a month. I'd budget it into my calories. It was worth it to me... it felt like a huge indulgence. It made me feel special. (Isn't that what Starbucks is all about anyway?) Just like when I'd buy some fancy chocolate truffles: it made me feel like I was "worth it" and floated me away to a different place. It emphasized the vast gap between the life of poverty I used to live and the blessed life I have now, where I have *enough* and can even enjoy a splurge once in awhile without fear of depleting my last cent and being unable to pay the utility bill. I *liked* feeling that sense of security. Maybe a Starbucks latte became my way of assuring myself that things are okay now. And I liked the warm sweet comfort as I sat relaxing and sipping my drink, too. I missed the comfort of both sensations.

I sat in my car being mad for a few minutes. I wanted to cry. This new life is kind of confusing at times... I have a body I don't recognize, my clothes are all getting too big AGAIN so I can't wear them much longer, I don't eat or cook or shop the same way anymore. I love the results, but the new mental state does take some getting used to. Finally, I saw the rain was letting up and the sun was coming out, so I drove to the park for a walk.

When I got there, I was torn. I did not FEEL like walking anymore. I was busy having a pity party. I actually parked my car, sat there a moment, mumbled "this is stupid" to myself and backed out of the parking spot to leave. I circled the parking area once, the battle going on in my head. "You should walk!" "I don't give a crap!" "Walk anyway." "I don't want to." "You'll feel better if you walk." "I don't care." "If you don't walk, you'll have to bike later." "Oh, dammit. You suck." Then I parked again, got out, and started walking.

After awhile I did feel better. I walked for 45 minutes. I liked the way my legs felt under me: strong and steady. I enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air. But when I got in the car, I still had this feeling like I needed, or deserved, something "special."

I drove to the gas station, went in, and ordered a small, sugar-free, raspberry Italian cream soda. It used to be one of my occasional treats back when I was doing the South Beach diet. It has no sugar and in fact almost no carbs; it's just soda water, sugar free syrup, tons of ice, and a bit of half & half. I took the pretty, creamy pink treat in my hand, took a sip, and felt better. Yeah, it was a self-medicating of sorts, but maybe that's okay once in awhile. I can tell you this: that drink gave me a lot of pleasure and comfort. I sat in the parking lot of my daughter's preschool sipping my drink with my windows down, the radio on, and the sun shining on my skin and I felt 100% better. All for the price of a little half & half and two bucks.

The rest of the day was great. Everything was fine. I think being aware of how I *used* to constantly and habitually use food as a soother/distracter is VERY important. Those emotions and that desperation was the basis of most of my binge eating behavior. I have learned to *usually* use things other than food to comfort myself, but the occasional cup of hot tea or icy Italian soda is not a bad thing. I believe we are meant to derive pleasure from food, in moderation. Finding non-triggering, on-plan indulgences is just another way I am learning to take care of myself.

I am feeling great today! Looking forward to weighing in tomorrow. See you then!

Some Dinners

I thought I'd take a moment to share with you some of the dinners I've been eating. Maybe it will help someone with ideas for healthy, moderately portioned, low carb meals. My dinner 'formula' is 5-7 ounces of lean protein plus 3 servings of lower carb veggies (a serving usually means a half cup, but for salad greens it's a full cup). If my protein is very lean I also add some healthy fat to the meal. It looks like this:

Two local, free range eggs over easy, one Morningstar Farms veggie sausage patty, radish hash browns, and steamed fresh local asparagus. Or...

Two smoked mozzarella artichoke chicken sausages (110 cal/each) with angel hair cabbage fried in a bit of sesame oil and some spaghetti squash with salt & pepper.

Or...

Scrambled Egg Beaters with sliced chicken sausage, mushrooms, cabbage, and asparagus with a bit of Laughing Cow light cheese mixed in.

Or...

Two local, free range eggs over easy, one Morningstar Farms veggie sausage patty, and a mixture of sliced radishes, mushrooms, and summer squash sauteed in olive oil.

Yes, I do eat eggs or egg substitute often. I also frequently have tuna, salmon, other fish, chicken breast, pork tenderloin, lean steak, ground turkey, or extra lean grass fed ground beef as my protein. And for the veggies, I mix it up. Sometimes it's a huge salad. I really like cucumbers, peppers, tomatoes, spinach, broccoli, and cauliflower but I'll eat just about any veggie. I love to roast green beans tossed in olive oil in a hot oven until they start to brown. So good! A couple days ago I made tacos for the family (grass fed local beef) and I had mine as a taco salad: tons of lettuce, radicchio, and cucumber topped with seasoned ground beef, a bit of cheddar, salsa, and light Litehouse Salsa Ranch. Very filling!

Healthy dinners don't have to be boring or flavorless. I enjoy these meals much more than some of the unhealthy meals I *used* to fix. My kids' tacos no longer drip with grease, and they use high fiber, high protein tortillas rather than the old white ones. Everyone's happy, and I feel good about the food on our table.

What's your favorite healthy dinner? I'd love some new ideas!
Have a great weekend!

Make the Choice

I'm doing pretty good these days. Things now are SO different than they were 3 years ago.

2007:
Wake up in pain. Hobble to the bathroom every morning, thinking, "I can't live like this anymore." Brace myself on the vanity or walls just to try and sit on the toilet seat without hurting my knees even more. Hobble to the kitchen with a migraine. Make myself a big cup of coffee with 1/3 cup of sugary flavored creamer. Sit down with the computer for an hour or two wishing things were different.

On a "type 1" day (usual): eat 4 pieces of cold leftover pizza for breakfast. Drink a Coke. Look at recipes online. Bake cookies and eat a dozen or more as dough and a dozen or more as they come out of the oven. Save the rest on a plate for the kids when they get home from school. Sit on the couch as much as possible. Watch my daughter play on the floor. Put movies on for her. Wish I could walk to the park but I can't because of my knees. Make grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches for lunch and eat two with chips and Coke. Decide to go to the store. Exhaust myself getting my daughter dressed and in the car and to the store. Circle the parking lot for 10 minutes until I can get a parking space right by the entrance. Feel wiped out as I cruise the aisles, randomly throwing packages in the cart (little Debbie Cakes, Sodas, bottled Starbucks drinks, bakery cake slices, Oreos, Cheetos, Pringles, pizza rolls, Ranch, supreme french bread pizzas, Snickers bars, M&M's, Hershey kisses, 2 kinds of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, donuts, potato skin appetizers, deli ham, salami, rolls, cheese, and sausage). Get home absolutely drained from the trip. Eat an enormous amount of the above food (usually ALL the donuts and candy immediately, then pizza stuff & chips, then cake). Hide the rest. Kids come home from school. Give them each 3 of the cookies I made and have 3 for myself. Tell kids to bring me the laundry from downstairs because I can't go get it myself. Sit on the couch and watch TV. Use my stomach as a mouse pad. Get up and fix Fettuccine Alfredo and garlic bread for dinner. Eat 3 plates of the stuff. Shout goodnight to the kids as they go downstairs to tuck themselves in since I cannot do stairs. Sit on the couch watching TV and using the laptop and eating more of the junk until 10pm. Have some french bread pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry's as a bedtime snack. Hobble to bed at midnight, lie down in pain, wish things were different, hate myself a little for being out of control. Drift in and out of troubled sleep with heart palpitations, wondering if I am going to die in my sleep. Wake up in the night choking on my own vomit that keeps coming up my throat. Sleep fitfully, and repeat.

On a "type 2" day (wanting to diet): make myself a healthy smoothie for breakfast. Take vitamins. Drink lots of water. Try not to eat until lunchtime. Then break down at lunch and eat as above.

What a SAD existence I had for SO LONG and I didn't even realize it. Well, I did know I was unhappy but I didn't know (or believe) that I could change it, and that it could be so much different.

2010:
Wake up early, open my eyes to the sunshine and hop out of bed to face the day. Walk easily, without pain, without regret, without dread. Cheerfully say good morning to my children and make sure they're up and ready for school. Fix myself a cup of plain hot green tea and sit down to read the news. Have a light breakfast (maybe some scrambled egg beaters and zucchini) and 16oz of water. Go downstairs to rouse the last kid from sleep, and put in a load of wash. Go about my day with ease, doing chores, playing with my daughter, sitting on the floor to help her build a tower, running up and down the stairs for laundry. She asks me to go to the park, and I put on my shoes and we walk there. I enjoy the sunshine and fresh air and playing with my little girl. We walk home and have lunch together. If I need to run errands, I can. I park far from the entrance and walk into the stores. I buy mushrooms and radishes and pork tenderloin. We stop at the library for books. I feel energized and awake. Once home, the other kids start coming home from school. I fix dinner... perhaps a meatloaf made from grass fed beef with some salad and asparagus... and afterwards I clean the kitchen. I tuck my little girl into bed, lying with her in her bed as we talk, not worried in the least that I might break her bed with my weight. I fix myself a light snack and relax, reading, watching some TV, visiting with my kids. Hop on the exercise bike for a half hour while I watch TV. Just before I go to bed, I go downstairs and give each of my kids a hug and kiss goodnight. Maybe we talk a bit while I sit on their bed. They always hear "I love you" before they go to sleep. And then I go to bed and sleep peacefully and get a good night's rest.

Which would you choose? Which are you choosing? You choose every time you put something in your mouth. You choose every time you make a purchase at the grocery store. Every bite moves you towards one life or the other. Every step goes somewhere... even the non-steps. Standing still and doing nothing as time passes IS moving you in a direction, whether you like it or not. We all have to workdaily to take *some* steps if we want to have a life that is different from the one we have NOW. But the good news is, you have the power. Your life can change. But only you can do it. And you can. You really can!

Which Life?

It's funny how most days I don't really care much about food anymore, don't crave the old binge foods, don't really think much about it. Oh, when I grate cheddar cheese for my daughter, I actually lift the block to my nose and smell it. Sometimes I want a piece (but not a small piece. A 600-calorie piece. I have a thing for cheese). Sometimes I even smell the cream cheese when I am making her a bagel. But overall, I am happy with how I am losing weight right now and I know that someday, when I am working on maintenance, I'll enjoy a little more cheese. For now I stick with the occasional low fat stuff in a recipe.

But there are times when I get this longing for the old way of eating. Usually those thoughts and feelings are triggered by seeing a very fat person eating very unhealthy stuff. It's immediate: as soon as I see them I wish it was ME. But just as immediately I realize I do NOT wish it was me, because I do not want the old obese body back and I do not want to live my life in a sugar fog with no energy. Still, there is a sense of jealousy that THEY can eat without a care and I think, "why can't I eat like that?" My rational side understands that I am just seeing a glimpse of them. Maybe they are happy, maybe not. Maybe their mobility is fine, or maybe they can't even go up and down the stairs to kiss their children goodnight because of their weight. I sure don't want *that* life back. But part of me actually misses being an irresponsible, compulsive eater.

I took my little girl to the park the other day. It's a big park with picnic tables and lots of grassy areas where people sit on blankets and barbecue burgers and hot dogs and eat. I wasn't hungry at all while I was there, but as I walked around I got that feeling. First, I saw a family all sitting on a blanket eating big ol' sub sandwiches on that chewy crusty big white sub bread. I could see the cheese and salami and other lunch meats hanging out and the mayo around the edges. Everyone seemed so happy as they ate, sipping sodas and enjoying the bags of chips they were sharing. "Hmmm," I thought. "Why can't I eat like that anymore? I love white bread salami mayo cheese subs. Dammit." I looked away and walked on, enjoying the sunshine. Around the bend we came to a lady and a man at a picnic table. She could've been me 70 pounds ago... same body build, same stained 3XL t-shirt, same stretch pants cut off into shorts, same intensity hunched over a plate eating. It was fried chicken... the kind of meal you pick up at the deli with potato salad and rolls with butter. There was a plastic bakery clamshell full of cookies on the table. And for JUST A SECOND I was jealous.

It makes NO sense. I would never want to trade (if I did, I could. It would be quite easy for any of us to have that life... just start eating those things and the body will follow). Obviously I don't *really* want it. What do I want?

Part of me wants the food without the consequences. Part of me loved the freedom of eating anything I wanted in any amounts I wanted. Feel like cake for breakfast? Here ya go! Want a whole pizza for lunch? Alright! Couple of sodas and a cheesecake for a snack? Go for it! I liked being an indulged, spoiled, self-pleasing CHILD. If I wanted ice cream for dinner no one was going to stop me. I could go into a store and buy 3 kinds of cookies and eat them all. It felt kinda exciting and powerful. Powerful, until I'd try to stop, and couldn't. Powerful, until I had the frightening realization that *I* was no longer in control. My addiction was. And my life was spiraling down, down, down and I felt helpless to put the brakes on. I was getting dragged along by the momentum of my own binges. And it was terrifying.

There's a price to pay for our actions. If you smoke, you might get lung cancer. If you do drugs, you might die. If you drink and drive, you might kill someone. If you sleep around, you might get a nasty disease. And if you binge, you might become a slave to the food. Fat or thin, *that* is not the kind of life I want to live. Not anymore.

Being FREED from the food is the most wonderful thing. Being able to walk past that stuff and not be driven to partake is the real power. Oh, I know I am not *cured* at all. I know I could fall back into that life, I am not beyond that. But that's all the more reason for me to NOT give in in the moments that I DO have control, and to revel in the true freedom in walking without ropes. When I say walking without ropes, I want you to imagine how THAT feels versus having big, heavy, thick ropes tied to every limb, with buckets of fried chicken, bags of Big Mac meals, cases of Coke and boxes of candy tied to the other end. Seventy pounds worth. It's hard to slug through life weighed down by those addictions. If you can get free, even for just one day, and feel how it really feels to live LIFE without the food being in control, you'll not want to go back. Not really. Not in reality where eating that way has big, life-altering consequences.

Every day without a binge is a victory. As the victorious days go by, they string together like a chain and become a protection to you. I don't mean big heavy chains that tie you down. Have you ever seen chain mail? It's a kind of armour made from very tiny metal links. It's a protection. That's what the binge free days feel like to me as they add up. A protection from going back. The more days I link together, the stronger the protection becomes.

You might wish and hope and long to be in a binge-free state, and let me tell you that you CAN do that. But it has to start with one day, and build from there. And if that one day is not "today," then it is never going to happen. Today is all we really have. We can "tomorrow" ourselves into ten years of denial and continuous binge eating. So put down the sugar or the chips NOW, start now, make that first link. Once you stop eating sugar and junk it gets easier (after about the third day). And you can keep building from there.

I pushed my daughter on the swings. I climbed and laughed and played with her for an hour while the woman with the fried chicken sat on her bench shouting commands to her children as they played without her. I will take my freedom, even if I never have another cookie or piece of fried chicken again. I'd so rather be living as I am living NOW. I never want to go back.

You can build the life you want! Believe it. One link at a time.

It Ain't All Pretty

Yesterday I posted a picture of my waist. I do like my waist. It's really fabulous for all it's been through. In fact I have several parts that I like and will probably post pictures of over time: nice shoulders, my neck is doing pretty well, my back is decent without any rolls, and I don't have cankles anymore. But let me be clear: the abuse done to my body over the past ten years is *not* without consequence. While it is very important to look for good parts and love our bodies and stay positive, it is also essential to be realistic. And honest. And let people know that no, you will *not* get away from morbid obesity and binge eating without some bodily scars of sorts.

You've seen my upper arms... it ain't pretty. In fact they are so flabby that sometimes they get caught or pinched somewhere because I forget how much they hang. My thighs are another area that has always been disproportionately large; in fact, they are as big around as some people's waists. As I've lost weight, the skin on my thighs is getting that crepe paper look and there is some sag, especially around the knees. Now, mind you, it is not ALL bad. The fat IS leaving, slowly, and just this week I was lying in bed on my side when I suddenly noticed that MY KNEE BONES WERE TOUCHING! Ouch, it kinda hurt! But wow, I am so used to the big cushion of fat in that area that it was a real shock when I felt that bone-on-bone sensation at the knees. However, when I am standing there is no touching of bones going on. Too much flesh. My hips, too, are not looking so hot. The waist is good, but just below the waist, things are much bigger and droopier. I don't have a huge hanging apron (so far) like some folks do, but I do have more fat than I'd like. From the side I look kinda pregnant. You can look at my 70 Pounds Gone pictures and see the lower belly area I am talking about. It is definitely smaller than it used to be, by far, but my hip measurement at the widest point is still almost 4 feet around. Now do you see where that 208 pounds is hiding?

If I took a bikini picture of me from just below my belly button to just below my knees and posted it on this blog, you would not believe it was me. You'd say, "no way!! That woman is HUGE! You look SO MUCH THINNER than that in clothes/in pictures/from the waist up!" You'd probably guess it to be a picture of a 260 pound woman. That's the dichotomy of this formerly-morbidly-obese body. Parts of me look 260 pounds. Parts of me look 160 pounds. And none of me really looks 208 pounds.

My face looks great. I think I am beautiful (in my own way) and I love my upper body (except the bat wings). But no, I did not miraculously escape the consequences of being almost 300 pounds for so long. You cannot take a piece of skin and stretch it to three times its natural capacity and then expect it to all snap right back to normal. You cannot think you can continue to eat unnatural, immense amounts of food and then just go on a diet and be back to the way you were before. It doesn't work like that. I made a LOT of extra fat cells for myself. And if I could possibly go back and do it over I would have never, ever let myself gain all this weight. I wish I had recognised the beginnings of an eating disorder. I wish I had noticed when I began using food as a protection, comfort, coping mechanism, escape. We all have regrets about that kind of thing. But the bigger tragedy would be for us to be wishing we had lost the weight ten years ago... ten years from now.

I won't let another decade go by like that. Yes, I have some body parts that need work. Some will probably never be the same as they used to be. But I am not the same as I used to be, so that's ok. What I will do is do the best I can. I'll lose the weight as best I can. I'll work to build muscle, take good care of my skin, and hope for the best. And whatever I am left with at 150 pounds, I'll be proud of. I love seeing the changes in my body and while I will not be sharing any thigh pictures *now*, I do have high hopes that I will share them someday as "before" and "afters" of the vast improvement I've made. As long as I am working on it, there's hope for improvement. And I'll take whatever body I get when I reach goal. I am so happy to finally be losing this weight that I just can't waste time worrying about how I *might* look when I get to goal. Just knowing I *will* get to goal is enough to keep me going!

It feels great. You can do it! Stick with your plan and DO NOT give up, no matter what. It is SO worth it!

Medifast Lean & Green Meal Cookbook Winners

The winners of the Medifast Lean & Green Cookbook (review here) are:
Kimberly Knudson
and
the other 2 winners did not contact me, so the alternate winners are:
Lindsey and
In Honor of Me!

Congratulations! Winners have until Sunday to contact me with their mailing address. (My email address is on the left sidebar of this blog and the review blog). If any winner fails to contact me, a replacement winner will be drawn on Monday.

If you want to read my Medifast food reviews, go here.
If you're planning on ordering Medifast products, I have a coupon code here that expires at the end of the month.

Real post coming later!

My Parts, Part 1: Waist After Losing 70 Pounds (and Having 5 Kids)

I read a lot of weight loss blogs. There's quite a bit of talk about sagging bodies, loose skin, bat wing arms, etc among those of us who've dropped a significant amount of weight. There's pictures, sometimes, of the hanging bits that most of us have, and I think maybe it scares people. Oh yes. I have posted and will continue to post those honest pictures of the damage done to my body by morbid obesity. Hey, people should know. And if some 220-pound young lady sees how a 220-pound body looks on the way DOWN the scale after being nearly 300 pounds... how very different that body looks after the skin has stretched to twice its normal size and then deflated... maybe she will pick her jaw up off the floor and go change her life because she does not want THAT to be her body in ten years. Yes, people *should* know the consequences of obesity.

But people should *also* know that the body is a miraculous thing and can snap back significantly in some cases. Every body is different, but we all have parts we are more proud of and comfortable with than others. For some, their legs are shapely and sexy even at 250+ pounds. If you took a picture of *just their legs* you would not be able to even tell they are obese. Some folks have gorgeous bust lines regardless of their weight gain or loss. Others have that slim above-the-shoulders look with no double chins or sag. We're all blessed in one way or another.

So, I ask you, whats your best part? I know when people hear this question they immediately respond with "my eyes" or "my hair" or "I have a great smile." But I am not talking about that. I am talking about your flesh-and-fat-and-bone BODY parts. If I asked you that question... "what's your best part"... with the condition that it cannot be something on your face nor can it be your hair or just a general "I have beautiful skin"... then what would your answer be? Can you look at your body objectively and find a beautiful part you are proud of?

I'd like you to try it today. Maybe you already have an answer, but I know some of you will be stumped. "All of me is gross and fat," you'll think, But you're wrong. You have to think in terms of cropping ONE body part into a photograph and looking at that part all by itself. Try it in your head. Look at your parts alone. Do you have pretty knees? Strong legs? Maybe your calves are shapely. Or perhaps you have nice ankles. Do your arms make you proud? How about your wrists? You can look at your hips or your waist or your bust or your shoulders and see if they are pleasing for YOU to look at. Even your neck might be your best part.

I'd like you to *really* take a look and find it: your best part. And, if you are up to it, take a picture of your best part, crop it so only the part that is pleasing *to you* is in the picture. Then just look at it for awhile. Think about it. See your beautiful part, and start to see your whole self in a new way. YOU are beautiful and yes, you even have some body parts that are pretty. Once you learn to view parts of yourself as not only acceptable but beautiful, you can graduate to loving your whole self and appreciating ALL your parts as they change.

I have had 6 pregnancies and given birth five times. Some of my babies were big (8 pounds 11 ounces) and one was very small (two and a half pounds). I even had one c-section. I gained and lost a lot of weight, a lot of times. I spent several years close to 300 pounds and you can see the size of my midsection in those "before" pictures on the left side of this blog. I am 40 years old. But you know what I love? I love my waist.

This is the waist of a 208-pound, 40-year-old woman who has had 5 kids and lost 70 pounds. Me. I am proud of this waist. It's curvy and beautiful to me. I like how it is soft to the touch yet firm underneath. My babies came from there. I have stretch marks to prove it. They've faded *a lot* and my skin is not terribly loose. I didn't touch up this photo (I don't touch up ANY of my body photos except to crop and sometimes adjust lighting) so this is the real thing. And I am happy with it.

So, don't be too scared that your body will be all wrinkly and wobbly and saggy when you lose your weight. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. You WILL have parts you like and others you don't like as much. That's ok. But I tell you what, this waist is a lot better than the waist I had at 278 pounds, for ME.

If you do take a picture of your best part and blog about it, please leave me a comment so I (and others) can go check it out. Be brave. Look at your body in a new way! Everyone has beautiful parts. Even you.

Weigh In and Random Thoughts

I am absolutely not getting enough sleep. I am so tired I can barely think straight. There's not a whole lot I can do about this right now, except try to get to bed by 10.

This was the toughest week I have had in three months. It was PMS week and while my symptoms are not *as bad* when I am not eating sugar and junk, this time was a little more noticeable. A bit of cramping, mild headache, mild nausea and just feeling out of sorts. And of course, on two days I ate stuff that was not on plan (the Vietnamese food, and the buffet). Neither incident was huge, and I didn't see much of a scale effect (it bumped up a pound and then right back down... probably retaining water from all that salt). Other than those two meals, my eating was on plan 100% all week. My exercise was decent; I biked 3 days (30 minutes each), walked 3 days (20-30 minutes each) and lifted weights once (I need to be more consistent with the weights... at least twice a week). Scale this morning said 208, which is the same thing it said last Sunday, so no loss this week. Eh, PMS week is always a tough week; last month I lost one pound that week. I do usually lose well the *next* week, so I will ramp up the exercise a bit more and see what happens.

I seem to be *possibly* aggravating my foot again on the bike. I am not sure yet, but for a couple of days it would hurt slightly in the old injury area when I walked barefoot. Guess I will have to keep an eye on it. I want to bike... I just have to figure out what keeps going wrong and how I can fix it. Hey! I have insurance now! Maybe I will go see a doctor.

So... what's going on with me personally? Want a peek into my life?
My little girl is 4. She is in her second year of ballet and first year of tap. She LOVES to dance. She is a very girly girl, loves all things princess and Fancy Nancy and ponies with long colorful hair that can be put in bows and barrettes. She is performing in a couple of big recitals soon, so we've been busy with costumes and rehearsals and pictures. It's so fun! After a life filled with the joys of little BOYS and all their dirt, baseballs, camouflage, army men, monster trucks, bugs, boy scouts, rock climbing, and fishing (which I LOVED and treasured and reveled in as a Mom of Just Boys), the addition of my daughter has brought me a whole new world of experiences and another level of happiness. It's like I had a world full of radiant wonderful colors that I thought was perfect just as it was, and then suddenly I realized I had never seen the color pink. It's just a lovely addition to my experience. Love it. But boy am I busy!

I am getting thinner. Smaller. More vulnerable, it seems. If you've read much of my blog, you know I have experienced abuse. That when I was thin, before, I was easily lifted, moved, flipped, dragged, or pinned against my will, and it was a horrible experience for me. The weight became a protection. No one was going to flip, drag, or even budge me at 278 pounds. Now, while I no longer fear abuse from the people in my life, I *do* feel vulnerable when I am walking alone, home alone, or even with my little girl. It was a bit of a stalling point for me with the weight loss. I was *scared* to get lighter, partly because of this fear. The solution I found was twofold: 1) when I am under 200 pounds, I will take a self defence class. Some kind of martial arts... preferably with my daughter. I don't think my knees are ready for this yet but maybe in another 20-30 pounds. 2) when I have lost 100 pounds, I will get myself a puppy. A big dog breed. Something that, when grown, will help me feel safe. No, I don't want an attack dog... I just want an intimidating presence that will make someone at the park think twice about messing with me. I want a deep bark that will drive off potential intruders. I love dogs and have always had dogs, but my 8-pound, 11-year-old mini dog, while a true joy and pleasure to own, does not help me feel very secure. He is the Happiness Dog. That's his job... be cute, smile, wag his tail, be soft and furry and cuddly, always coming over with a huge grin and big beady eyes and lifting spirits. You just cannot help but smile when you have this dog around. But yeah, it is getting closer, so I am looking at a couple of breeds and making some decisions NOW about what kind of dog I want in my life. And yes, someday I will be sharing cute puppy pictures.

Other developments: it's salmon season (apparently) so my youngest son has brought me some delightful fresh salmon that he caught, which will show up on the menu soon. Another of my sons has caused me a great deal of heartache by slacking his classes and being a half credit shy of graduating with his class. Graduation is coming up and it just leaves a huge lump in my throat. He should still get his 2010 diploma by completing a class in summer school, but they won't let him walk at graduation with his class. Just breaks my heart, truly. He is a great kid, and I've put so much of my heart into him, and to have this taken away form him AND me because of his poor choices is really upsetting. I wake up in the night and cry about it. But, you know, that's just one of those things when you're a mother. They bring immeasurable joy but they also can break your heart. I am pinning my hopes on him learning a lesson from this and creating a better work ethic for himself. I just have to focus forward and hope someday I will get to attend his graduation from college.

That's about all for now. Let's make this a GREAT week. Active, healthy, full of fresh veggies. Life is too beautiful to cover it in chocolate, which might taste good, but can really make a mess of things.

Different

If you read the last two posts, you may be wondering how I am doing... really. I wondered, too. I started thinking about it in bed last night.

I am at the hardest part in my monthly cycle right now, with the PMS hormones. This is the time of month I used to always binge. My emotions were a roller coaster and I was irritable and felt awful and didn't understand it myself. But I have to say, even now, at the worst time of the month, I feel more emotionally stable than I have in a long time. I still have mood swings but they are just so tiny compared to what they used to be. I feel *rational.* I do not feel like my thoughts and actions are being driven by a force beyond my control anymore. Oh, I do feel influenced a bit, but I am not feeling the emotions I *used* to feel on a regular basis:
panicky
anxious
worried
desperate
worthless
hopeless
unworthy
fearful
doomed

Instead, at the worst of it I feel annoyed with some people or slightly disappointed in myself if I make a poor choice. But even those emotions are so fleeting. I have a new ability: the ability to feel kinda bad about something but still feel good overall. I don't have to be *consumed by* whatever negativity flits through my mind. How's that for a revelation? I always used to dwell in the bad feelings for way too long.

Last night after I blogged, I went out and took a nice walk in the cool evening air. I chatted with a friend and then biked for 30 minutes. Then I soaked in the tub for awhile. The difference, here, from the past, is that my reaction in the past (to eating something off plan) might be:

a) feel like a failure, eat more junk, keep feeling like a failure for hours or day or even weeks, keep eating more junk
b) hate myself and punish myself by forcing myself to exercise, hating it the whole time, with a voice running through my head about what a failure I was.

But this time I really felt okay. My eating no longer defines me. I walked because I felt like walking, and I biked because that's what I do. I bike. It was not at all connected to whether my eating was great or not. The biggest change of all:
My mood and emotions were NOT determined by what I ate. By evening I felt the same as I had every previous evening... no depth of despair, no hopelessness, no fear. And this morning I did not awake with self-loathing; I awoke with the same optimism and happiness that I usually enjoy in the morning.

I think I really have changed! Peace is good.

Mistake #2

Today I spent over 5 hours in the car, driving my son to see a specialist in another city. It was a long day, leaving at 7:30AM and not getting home until after 6PM. I had a plan. I packed snacks and drinks for the 2 kids I brought with me and I packed 3 Medifast meals and a bottle of water for me. I knew we'd want to stop for lunch, too, so I decided we'd go someplace where I could have my healthy protein and veggie portions for the day (NO fast food. We don't do that anymore).

My son's favorite restaurant is a chain buffet... the kind where they have a million kinds of foods all spread out and you can eat as much as you want. I used to go to those places and go NUTS eating plate after plate of fried crap, but I knew that in OUR town I could usually find things like baked chicken and fresh vegetables on the buffet, so that would be fine.

Well, it started out okay. I had unsweetened iced tea to drink and built myself a nice big plate of salad: mixed greens, spinach, mushrooms, egg whites, broccoli, cauliflower, and a bit of blue cheese dressing. But when I went for my protein, there was NO baked chicken. Only sauce-covered barbecued chicken or FRIED chicken. I figured the BBQ sauce was full of sugar. I found some "baked" fish, which was submerged in butter, too. I took a small fillet (about 2.5 ounces) of the fish and wiped off the butter. I got a pile of steamed green beans. And I took a fried chicken breast, because I figured that would be okay once I took off the crispy fried skin.

When I sat down to eat, the food was mediocre. I ate the fish and green beans. I ate about half the salad, which was kind of flavorless (the dressing tasted watered down). I started eating the chicken, and then, I don't know what came over me but I WANTED THAT CHICKEN SKIN in the worst way! I JUST wanted a taste. So I took a taste. This was not a good idea.

I ended up eating ALL of that fried chicken skin and wishing I could eat ten more just like it. I started feeling like I really wanted to eat more stuff off the buffet. I went and got a diet Coke. My daughter had half a grilled cheese sandwich on her plate that she didn't want. Guess who started eating it??? Me. I was like... in some kind of carb frenzy. I mean, I felt pretty calm, but OH MY GOSH, the taste of that fried bread and cheese was like... some kind of manna from heaven. I ate that half sandwich, minus the crust.

I took my daughter up to the dessert buffet. There was the most diverse spread I have ever seen. When I saw it I knew I was going to eat something from there. I just KNEW. I was like, in PMS overdrive. I got her a small dish of ice cream and then I went back up there. What I ate actually FELT like a binge:
about 1/3 c soft serve ice cream
about 1 Tbsp hot fudge
one square inch of brownie
one square inch of lemon bar
one small cookie
one square inch of coconut pie

(typing it out I almost laughed. Do you remember what I USED to eat for a binge???)
Now, part of me wants to feel mad at myself and scared that I am going off on some tangent and will never lose the weight. Part of me wants to feel like I am some kind of out-of-control eater because I ate that stuff. And another part of me is going, HELLO. What self control! Wow, can you BELIEVE that is the extent of your "binge eating behavior" now? That is the WORST meal you have eaten in TWO AND A HALF MONTHS? You've come a long way, baby.

I am actually ok with it now. I felt icky afterwards and almost wanted to puke in the parking lot, but I never once thought, "I blew it, I may as well eat xyz now and start over again tomorrow." I just filled my water bottle, took my kids for a 30 minute walk at the park, came home, had a protein shake, and decided to bike for 30 minutes tonight. And nothing else has changed.

Now, this is not something I want to happen again, really... not while I am trying to lose weight, not on Medifast. It was decidedly off-plan. But I am also so super proud of myself and who I have become and how my life is now. I am really happy with that part. And now I know that while I can deal very well with a lot of food stimulation around me, it is NOT a good idea to be in the physical proximity of a huge variety of unhealthy, off plan, trigger-type foods. It's just too much stimulation and is hard to resist.

Lesson #2 learned: no more buffets.

Getting Too Cocky

Ugh, I think I screwed up.

The other day, I went to get a pedicure and the ladies in there were all Vietnamese. They were friendly and nice but wow, they were all about the size of my leg. My LOWER leg. So there I was sitting while the ladies all chatted in Vietnamese, and the TV was on and it was showing Indian food. Some of the ladies started talking to me in English, asking me what I thought of the Indian food. "Oh, I like Indian food," I said. "I like curry." The head lady wrinkled her nose in disgust. "We don like spicy! We don like curry!" They talked about how the local Thai foods and Chinese foods were Americanized, TOO greasy, TOO sweet. "Our food, Vietnamese food good for diet!", she said, gesturing widely at my torso. "No oily, no SWEET! Eat pho! Eat soup, all kinds soup. Yummy pho! Good for diet!" I asked for a restaurant recommendation and got one. "You like it, NO oily! Food there is LIGHT. You like!"

I went home and mentioned it to my husband. I thought maybe this would be a good place to get low carb, light, Medifast-type food. He picked up a menu for me and I found a few possible items: chicken pho, lettuce wraps, grilled chicken cabbage salad. I called the restaurant, made sure nothing had flour, carrots, beans, rice etc in it and asked them to leave the noodles out of the pho (soup). I figured I am getting to be a pro at eyeballing portions; I was pretty sure I'd be able to pick out 6 ounces of chicken and 3 servings of vegetables.

I shouldn't have done it. I really shouldn't have. It was a bad, bad idea. The pho was SO SALTY. The lettuce wraps were, too, and the chicken was coated in some mysterious sauce. I had small portions of those and focused on the grilled chicken and cabbage salad. Well, the "grilled" chicken was more likely fried, and also had some kind of light sauce on it. And there were ground peanuts over the entire salad, and a puddle of dressing in the bottom. It was SO GOOD. I scraped off as much peanuts as I could, ate what I thought was about 6 ounces of chicken (which I then realized should have been less, as I think it was dark meat), and ate as much cabbage and bean sprouts as I could from above the dressing puddle.

And now I feel sick. I am actually having pains in my stomach. I thought I might vomit but it takes *a lot* for this binge queen to vomit (I have only ever done so when pregnant or sick with a stomach bug or had food poisoning). My stomach hurts and I feel icky. I guess this was an unintentional screw up... but let me tell you, I learned something BIG tonight. There is a REASON Medifast gives us such simple food lists. There is a REASON we are supposed to measure all our food. And with the amount of fat I think I may have eaten, even though it was *probably* still low carb, my body is just not coping well.

Maybe for a minute there I thought I knew better than the doctors who created this plan. Maybe I thought, for just a minute, that I could 'wing it' and it wouldn't matter. Well, IT MATTERS. I feel absolutely ill. I am never going to eat something that I do not know the ingredients of again! There really is something to be said for a simple dinner of plain grilled fish and steamed asparagus with a side salad. Really. After I eat that kind of thing I feel great... satisfied yet light. Now, I feel heavy, nauseous, and exhausted. And I have something I have not had to deal with in quite awhile... a headache.

I hope I can pull it together enough to bike in a couple of hours. But I promise you this: I have been humbled, and I won't screw around like that again.

Review & Giveaway: Medifast Lean & Green Meal Cookbook

I've just completed a review of Medifast's new cookbook; for those of you NOT on Medifast, you might like to click through for a healthy, low carb recipe I've included in the review: Broccoli Chicken Dijon. Yummy, with pictures! I am also giving away THREE copies of the cookbook to 3 lucky winners (you don't have to be on Medifast to enter or enjoy this cookbook; all the recipes use normal ingredients and the meals are healthy for anyone!) Click below to read the review and enter the giveaway. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, May 18th. Good luck!

Lean & Green Meal Cookbook Review & Giveaway

Crutches, and the Easy Way Out

Melissa had struggled with her weight all her life. At 340 pounds, she had tried every diet you can think of. She'd lost and gained, lost and gained, as many of us have done, but year after year she found herself a it heavier instead of a bit lighter from all her efforts. Finally, she decided to have gastric bypass surgery. She was desperate to get control of her weight and her eating. She wanted to be around to live a long healthy life for her little daughter. And nine months later, she'd dropped 120 pounds and was well on her way to her goal.

At the workplace, coworkers gathered in the break room to discuss Melissa's rapid loss. "Isn't it wonderful for her?" said one. "I have no respect for her," said another. "She took the easy way out."

Why is it that people seem to judge those who choose weight loss surgery as somehow weaker or "less than" those who lose weight by diet and exercise? Really, why is it in any way a *negative* thing when a person takes control of their life through surgery? Is it because it seems like a drastic way to lose weight? Is it jealousy? Is it because people *really* think it is easy?

It is not easy. I have never had weight loss surgery, but I can tell you from talking to those who have that it is not some magic pill that instantly slims you. There are risks. There is fear. There is work. People who choose this path are generally very well aware that they could die from complications; that there will be pain and recovery and their bodies will never be the same. They know they will be unable to eat 'normally' anymore or enjoy the things they always have. They will have to exercise. They make their choice, generally speaking, because they truly feel it is the only way they are going to be able to get the weight off. Why can't that be respected?

Similarly, I occasionally get a little flack because I've been on Medifast for the last couple of months to facilitate my weight loss, which had stalled for a year and a half despite my best efforts. "It's just a crutch," they say. A crutch. I've said the same about some diet aids in the past. You are 'using' some artificial means to reduce your weight and that is a bad thing. But is it? Is it bad to use *anything* to lose weight, as long as it is not harmful to your body or mind?

Weight Watchers is a generally accepted and praised 'diet plan' that many people dole out their hard earned money for week after week. They count their points and buy their special ice cream bars and the pounds come off. But isn't Weight Watchers just a crutch? How about calorie counting? Isn't using some online program to count your calories just a crutch? Are Lean Cuisines a crutch? After all, you're not making home cooked meals. In fact, in my opinion, ANY plan or tool you utilize to help you reach your goals IS A CRUTCH.

A crutch is, by definition, a support. It's "a device used for assistance or support," or "something that sustains or supports." Somehow, using a crutch in weight loss has gotten a negative connotation... like it's somehow more noble and beneficial to lose weight with no outside help whatsoever. But that's not true. Just as it is helpful for someone with a broken ankle to use a crutch to get around while their bones heal, it is also helpful for people with broken appetite controls or lifestyles to have tools to use as they try to strengthen themselves and heal. You wouldn't think of ripping a crutch away from a person with a broken leg and telling them to "do it on their own." You don't assume they are going to become dependant on their crutch and use it to get around forever. And those of us who use dietary tools (Medifast, Weight Watchers, special food lists, etc) are using them as a support to reach a goal. That's not a bad thing, anymore than real crutches are bad. I know some folks do use WW for the rest of their lives, because they feel they need it. And I respect that decision. But many of us use various tools and crutches as we hobble down the scale, working hard to reach our goals. Eventually, I think, we heal. We learn. We grow and switch to some other kind of support... maybe from friends or family or message boards, maybe from our god, or maybe from within.

As for the "easy way out" theory, it's faulty from the start. Imagine waking up to your house being on fire. You feel your bedroom door and it is hot. You can hear the flames crackling on the other side. You race to the other side of the room, open the sliding glass door, and bolt outside. Once you get around to the front of your home, the neighbor sneers at you. "You took the easy way out!"

Really, it is ridiculous. Even IF it were true that gastric bypass or Medifast or some other diet plan was "the easy way out", since when do we try to search out the HARDEST way to do things?? Isn't it kind of stupid to stop and think when you're doing a project, "Hmmm, how can I make this harder for myself?" Do you really think it is braver and nobler to open a hot door and race through flames and smoke to get out the front door, so you can declare, "I took the HARD way out!"? Whether you're in a corn maze or trying to navigate through weight loss, it can actually be a GOOD THING to try to find a reasonable way to make it less difficult for yourself. And if surgery or WW or Medifast makes it easier for you to reach your goals, that's a good thing.

None of these methods is *really* an easy way out... not even gastric bypass. Any weight loss takes work. Yes, some tools do make it easier in some ways: surgery may make portion control easier (with some painful physical side effects if one does not follow the guidelines); Lean Cuisines make it easier to have a quick low calorie dinner on the table after work. But that does not negate the effort it takes to really lose weight and change your ways for life. I may have prepackaged meals five times a day, but I still have to choose to eat them. I still have to bypass my favorite foods on a daily basis and fight the impulses to eat off plan. I still have to shop for family groceries and be strong enough to bypass the chips and ice cream. I still have to concoct and prepare a healthy dinner for myself and my family. I make the decision to drink lots of water many times a day, to not salt my food, to not eat if it is not time to eat. I still go to parties and restaurants and make the decisions not to indulge in off plan foods. And I get on that bike or go walking or pick up the weights every day to improve my health. It's definitely not easy. But it is worth it.

Whatever path we choose, let's be respectful of the decisions others make. If someone takes a different path than you do, that's ok. Maybe *YOU* don't think their way is ideal, but you are not the one living it. Believe that weight loss is never *easy*, but if it leads them to success and a healthier life, cheer them on. In the end, we'll all have to figure out how to maintain our weight loss with a new lifestyle, and regardless of how we get there it is going to take sustained effort and dedication to stay there.

70 Pounds Gone Pictures (208)

As promised, here are new pictures of me, taken today, at 208 pounds:

You can see my 'before' pics over there on the left (278 pounds) and links to the other update pictures underneath that.
My measurements changed dramatically this month! On April 7, I weighed 218. Since then I have lost:

1/4" off my neck

1/2" off my bust

no change in my wrists nor those stubborn upper arms

1/4" off each calf

1/4" off each thigh
and... drumroll...
TWO FULL INCHES off my waist...
and another TWO FULL INCHES off my hips!

Wow! What a change! As a result, this morning I fit just perfectly into my brand new size 16 a.n.a. jeans that did not fit me 2 weeks ago. I am wearing them in the picture! I feel stronger, too, from the lifting and biking; my arms and legs are developing some muscle definition and firmness that wasn't there before.

Hard work pays off. I am so excited! Thank you for all the support along the way. It means the world to me!

Best Gift of All: 70 Pounds Gone!

This morning, after I got the 8+ hours of sleep I so desperately needed, I got the BEST Mother's Day gift of all: 70 pounds gone! Yes, I dropped another 3 pounds this week for a total of 70 pounds. I weigh 208 pounds now! I am thrilled. It feels like a dream! Really? 70 pounds?? I mean, I am still big. I look at myself and think, did I REALLY carry around SEVENTY MORE POUNDS on this body just a couple years ago? I don't know how I did it. No wonder I could barely walk. I was in SUCH a prison. And now I feel so free!

This week was great. My eating was on plan *except* for the one fancy dinner out, where I ate some full-fat cheeses from an Artisan cheese plate, some smoked salmon, and a bit more fat than usual on my entree but otherwise stayed on course. I drank plenty of water, ate lots of lean protein and vegetables, and enjoyed my food.

The one thing I changed up this week was the exercise. I had been just walking twice a week and lifting weights for 15 minutes twice a week. This week, I changed it up and added the biking back in. I biked for 30 minutes 4 days this week, and I walked for 30 minutes 1 day this week. I'll do one or the other today, as well. My goal is to either bike or walk for 30 minutes 6 days a week. I feel great, so I will keep this up! I also strength trained this week but only one time; I started a session on another day but kid stuff interrupted me and I never finished it.

Later today, I will follow my own tradition of taking measurements and photos of myself (I do this every 10 pounds to see the results of my efforts) and I will share them later today or tomorrow. The challenge will be to find pants that are not too baggy but still fit! The 18's are dropping off me but the 16's don't fit quite right. I always try to wear jeans that fit well for my pictures, so I can see any changes in my body. I'll have to dig through the jeans and see what I come up with!

That's all for now! Enjoy the rest of your weekend and know that you can, you WILL reach YOUR goals too if you never give up :)