Farmer's Market: Asparagus!

It's that time of year again when the fresh, local produce is becoming available. I am so excited! I am picking up some locally grown asparagus from the Farmer's Market later today. How about you? Can you get some local produce now? Even if it isn't local, I bet you can find some good, in-season asparagus in your grocery store.

Asparagus is a member of the lily family. Aside from being delicious, it is a great source of nutrition: 1 cup of cooked asparagus contains much of your daily value for many nutrients, including vitamin K (115%), folate (66%), vitamin C (32%), vitamin A (19%), tryptophan (16%), B1 (15%), B2 (14%), manganese (14%), B6 (11%), and 5-10% of copper, B3, phosphorus, potassium, iron, and zinc! Wow! All this, along with 3g fiber and 9g protein for only 43 calories! Hard to beat.

How do you prep and eat this stuff? Well, prep is simple. Wash it and then cut the bottom ends off. The bottom of the stalk can be more woody/fibrous. An easy way to find the point at which tenderness is compromised is to break the ends off with your hands. The stalks will naturally snap at the point where they become tougher.

You can eat asparagus raw if you like, but I like it lightly steamed (just a few minutes until it turns bright green). You can cook a bunch and then chill it in the fridge for later use. I eat it cold (with my fingers) as a snack. Great dipped in hummus, too. Or you can chop it and add it to an omelet or scrambled eggs. I like to add chopped asparagus to my salads as well. And I think asparagus goes very well with eggs, so a favorite meal of mine is steamed asparagus topped with egg salad (1 or 2 hard boiled eggs, chopped and mixed with a bit of light mayo, Dijon mustard, salt, & pepper). So filling and good! Asparagus is also really great tossed with some whole grain pasta (my favorite includes chicken breast, black olives, a bit of bacon, and Parmesan cheese). If you want to try something other than steaming, you can saute asparagus in a nonstick pan with a bit of olive oil until it is tender-crisp, then add some minced or sliced fresh garlic and cook until the garlic is fragrant. A bit of salt & black pepper and you have an amazing side dish. Or you can toss the spears with a bit of olive oil, salt & pepper and roast it at 400 degrees on a cookie sheet until it starts to brown. Delicious!

I have a little story about asparagus, along with a recipe of sorts, that I'd like to share.

When I was in my very early 20's, I lived out in the country on a farm. All around us there were fields, and decades ago, in these fields grew asparagus. Over time all the farmland had been converted to other crops, but every spring, asparagus would sprout up in the irrigation canals and along their banks. I would take my little son, who was 2, and we would go out walking along the banks looking for asparagus to pick. My sweet little boy would point when he saw the spears poking up through the soil, and I'd cut them and stick them in a bag. When the bag was full, we'd go home and milk our goat, Katie. I'd head to the kitchen with the freshly cut asparagus and warm goat's milk and I'd make a big pot of asparagus soup for dinner. I didn't really have a recipe, per se, but it went something like this:

Melt a big lump of butter in a stock pot and add a big chopped onion. Saute the onion until it is soft. Toss a heaping spoonful of flour in the pan and stir for a minute.
Strain the milk and slowly add it to the pan, whisking to make sure there's no lumps from the flour. Bring to a simmer. Add the cleaned and chopped asparagus. Add some salt and black pepper.
Simmer and whisk occasionally until the asparagus is tender.
Carefully ladle it into the blender (not too full; it will make a huge mess if you fill it and blend hot liquid!) and puree it in batches (or use an immersion blender right in the pot). Return the soup to the pot and serve with crusty bread.

Simple and delicious!

Every time I eat asparagus, I think of those pleasant days walking the canal banks with my chubby cheeked toddler, the warm sun shining off his soft blonde ringlets and unfettered excitement shining in his bright blue eyes. He is almost 20 now and off to college. I miss him. But the memories of his childhood bring me much peace and happiness.

Enjoy the wonderful spring bounty of asparagus while it's fresh! I know I will.

Like a Rock

I wrote last week about how, when I went out to dinner with my birthday boy, the freshly baked bread that was brought to the table didn't bother me. I described it as just being there, like a rock. And since then I have noticed this unemotional regard for food more and more often.

When I used to walk past the donuts in the grocery store bakery, I'd almost have an emotional breakdown because I wanted them SO BADLY. It was like they had some kind of *power* over me. They weren't just donuts... they were an entity with a voice that called... "come, come, eat me"... a presence that lured me in, grabbed me and pulled me over to them. Seriously. They were not "just" donuts. They were OMG! DONUTS!!!

When my husband used to buy candy bars and set them on the counter, or would sit eating bowls of ice cream next to me in the evening, I used to have this heightened, emotional reaction where the adrenaline was running, my brain was racing, and my mouth was watering, I was fighting in my head with OMG I WANT IT and NO I CAN'T HAVE IT. It used to bother me to no end. Having someone else eating food in front of me... seeing and smelling warm bread or french fries or candy bars... it was just TOO MUCH and often triggered a binge.

It doesn't feel like that anymore. I used to wish there was some medication I could take that would make me see food as FOOD and not as some mythical creature I had to chase. I wished there was some kind of brain surgery to 'fix' my brain to make it look at food like 'normal' people do... without the hysteria attached. Without the sheer desperation.

I think something is fixed. I think it's because I stopped eating sugar and most other refined carbs, stopped eating junk food, stopped eating fast food. I think eating low carb and high protein actually changed the way I think. I don't fully get why, but I have some understanding because of reading the book The End of Overeating by David Kessler. I have also done a lot of mental work with myself to teach myself NOT to react to food so violently. (I do think a binge is a form of violence against one's self).

When I go to the store and walk past the donut case, I see them. I smell them. I don't give a crap about them.

When I see people eating ice cream at the park, that's nice. Whatever.

When I take my child to a birthday party and everyone is eating cake, that's fine. I see it. It may as well be made of plastic.

When my husband, who is here at the moment, buys bag after bag of Ruffles potato chips, sets them on the counter, and eats them in front of me every night, he can have that. I don't flip out and want them anymore. If he wants to make that choice for himself, so be it. I used to ask him not to buy that crap. I used to have 'discussions' with him. He knows I don't like it in the house, and I will not allow the children to eat it. And now, finally, it has become a non-issue. I can't say I am fond of the annoying bag-crackles and jaw-flapping CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH every night for 20 minutes, but I don't care about his chips. He could just as well be eating tree bark mulch for all I care... I don't WANT it. And that's a big change.

When food lost its emotional appeal for me, I knew I had reached an important turning point. Being able to look at a plate of freshly baked, warm chocolate chip cookies as if they were a stone sculpture is a big deal. It makes eating well so much easier. It makes my days better, happier. I am not fighting myself all the time about FOOD.

I have to say I do sometimes *want* a food that I am choosing not to eat, but it is really fleeting. Today I was making my little girl some Cheerios treats that my mother used to make for me when I was a child: peanut butter, honey, nonfat dry milk, and Cheerios. I mixed them up with my hands and rolled them into balls for her. I smelled the peanut butter and the honey. I wanted to have some too. But it was just a want like "I want to watch The Biggest Loser on TV tonight," not like "OH MY GOSH IF I DO NOT GET THAT NOW I AM GOING TO COME UNGLUED!!" After I gave them to her and washed my hands, the *want* just gradually faded away. It didn't bother me. It was, I guess, a 'normal' kind of wanting. Not a desperation or a drive or an insanity that I could not control.

This is a GREAT help to me. I admit I am scared, on some level, that it won't always be like this. That someday, some time, the crazy cravings and HAVE TO HAVE IT feelings will come back; that those donuts that seem like rocks to me now will come back to life and start calling me again, and I won't be able to resist. I am pretty scared of that happening. But for now, it is NOT happening, so I choose to focus on the relief I feel now that those food demons are no longer taunting me day after day.

The obsession... it's gone. Maybe it's dead for good. Maybe not. But it is a darn good feeling to feel kind of normal and unaddicted for awhile, however long that while lasts.

The Doctor Says...

Today I had an appointment with my primary care doctor. He's a new doctor (to me) so I was not sure what to expect when I set up this very first appointment with him for a physical. I haven't seen any doctors much in the past year and a half because I had no health insurance, but now that I do, I wanted to make sure all is well with the ol' bod.

I always dread meeting new doctors. You just never know what to expect. My experiences have ranged from helpful to bizarre. I've had doctors praise me for taking charge of my health, and other berate me for my obesity even after I'd lost 50 pounds. I've had doctors in such a rush that they never even looked up at my face from their chart notes as they whizzed out the door to the next patient, and doctors who were seriously inappropriate with me. But this time, I was ready. If this doctor didn't want to bother with me as a patient and show me the respect I deserve, I was more than willing to walk out and search for a different primary care doctor.

They weighed me in and wrote 215 pounds in my chart (that was with shoes and jeans on, and lunch in my belly). I remembered when the chart said 283, and felt quite happy about the new number. When the doctor came in, he was personable, intelligent, and professional. My physical went very well. My blood pressure was good, everything looks normal, and he is very pleased about my weight loss. I also discussed Medifast with him and he encouraged me to continue using Medifast to reach my weight loss goals. He was also quite happy with my level of exercise, especially considering my arthritis. When he moved my knee joints, he remarked on the major crackling. "Losing weight was the best thing you could have done for your joints," he said, "and you're to be commended for your work. Most people just don't do it."

I'll be going for bloodwork tomorrow to check my lipids, blood sugar, thyroid function, vitamin D levels, etc. I am excited to see what the numbers are! I also got a referral to a geneticist to discuss my familial risk for ovarian cancer as well as the testing and preventative options. The only concern he had was my heart murmur. He is sending me for an echocardiogram in a couple of weeks. That will be a relief. I have worried about my heart ever since my father died of a heart attack at age 61. He'd had earlier heart attacks, too, in his mid-50's. And my grandpa died the same way. With the crazy palpitations I'd been having before starting Medifast, I do have concerns. I am just so relieved now that I have health insurance and can make sure I am doing all I can for my health.

As a side note, I had an interesting experience a couple days ago. I had to make a visit to an office where I have not been for about 8 years. I used to go there regularly and the receptionist was a very nice young lady who always greeted me with a smile. I wondered if she would still be there. I walked in, went to the reception desk and a middle aged, obese woman said, "May I help you?" I was trying to remember the name of the nice receptionist from before so I could ask if she was still there, when suddenly... those eyes. It was her! It was the same woman. She looked so much older. Her face was much rounder, cushioned all around by extra fat. I smiled and said hello and we chatted a bit, but after I left, I wondered if the shock of realizing it was HER showed. I hope not. I have been on that end of things... where you haven't seen someone in awhile and have put on so much weight you are nearly unrecognizable. I have seen the shock on a friend's face when they were suddenly presented with my pretty eyes and long brown hair on a puffy, distorted face. I have seen them try to cover up the disbelief and be nice. It hurts. But now I get it. I get that it really IS shocking to see someone you knew as skinny, stuck in a fat suit. That's what it seems like.

I wish there was a way around it, but it just IS a difficult situation. If you have no idea someone has gained weight... THAT MUCH weight... and you see them somewhere without expecting it... it is hard to hide the transition from not recognizing them to that split second where you see it IS them and you actually see the thin person stuck in the fat body. It takes a few minutes to absorb the new look. And having this experience, being on the other side of the shock, was pretty humbling.

Have you ever seen someone you knew as thin who had become fat, or changed their appearance in some other drastic way? How did you feel, and how did you react?

Shopping Trip, and Dinner Out

Yesterday after I wrote about the clothing issue, I went shopping. The goal was *just* to get a pair of capri jeans that fit well, because I only have two pair now (in 18's) and they sag and drag. It's getting hot and I don't like wearing long jeans when it is 80 degrees, but I am no way, no how wearing SHORT shorts because honestly, my thighs and knee area is atrocious (I really should post a picture... you wouldn't believe it!) They are so big and chubby looking compared to my nice hourglass waist that I look out of proportion, so I prefer capris for now. Besides, even when I was a teen and not really overweight at all, kids made fun of my "thunder thighs" when I wore shorts, and I was kind of traumatized when I compared my untoned, slightly large, very white dimply jiggly thighs to the tanned, toned thighs of the girls who played field hockey. But anyway...

I took about ten pairs of capri jeans in size 16 into the dressing room at Kohl's. There was a three-panel mirror, so I got a good look at myself as I pulled on pair after pair of 16's. I was kind of surprised that none of them really fit me right. I could get most of them up and on but not buttoned. The ones I could button were mostly too tight and sat at an uncomfortable spot on my waist (too high). And the one pair of Lee's that went on and fit like a glove (and I was thinking "this is the pair!") had a disturbing camel toe effect at the crotch that was just not fixable, so off they went into the discard pile.

In the end, I was standing there in my underwear in the three-way mirror with a pile of capris at my feet, none of which fit. I actually smiled at myself in the mirror and thought, "well, I guess I am between sizes! It's ok, I will get by on what I have, and I am not going to stay this size for long. I'll try again in 5 or 10 more pounds." And then I happily grabbed the three one-piece swimsuits I'd brought into the dressing room, and tried those on as well.

#1... Yikes. I look way worse than I thought.
#2... Wait, what happened to my boobs and my hourglass shape? I look like a barrel in a brightly-colored sausage casing!
#3... I smiled and nodded. This one looks great! Wow! Who knew the huge difference the right cut of suit made for your body? It's beautiful, it "suits" me (lol) and it fits... at a size 16. Now I am all set for summer!

Walking past the clearance rack on the way out, I noticed something. Remember that black and olive green sweater I wrote about yesterday? Well, there, on the clearance rack, was a very similar sweater in a very similar olive green (no black). I reached out and touched it: so soft. So comforting. I held it up. I smiled. I bought it in a size Medium, so that this fall when I want to wear something warm and familiar, it will be there folded in my drawer waiting for me.

It was a great, successful shopping trip and I came home very happy.

One more thing I want to share. The other day my husband invited me out to dinner at my very favorite restaurant. I told him I had to think about it and to give me ten minutes. I composed myself, felt my feelings, and decided that it would be fine to go to dinner.

I stayed completely on plan. Everything on the appetizer menu was carb-laden, fried, or buttered. So even though it wasn't on the menu, I asked if they had any ahi tuna they could sear as an appetizer for us (I had seen ahi on the dinner menu). They were very accommodating and I enjoyed a few bites of delicious ahi while leaving the bread basket alone. My drink was a lovely, unsweetened Tahitian iced tea with fresh lemon slices. For dinner I ordered one of my favorite things: fresh fish! I had chargrilled halibut which was supposed to come with a sweetened sauce and citrus butter, a rice dish, and asparagus. However, I asked them to leave off the sauce (I did use some of the citrus butter, which is fine since the fish is quite lean) and asked for extra asparagus and no rice. I also ordered a mixed green salad with blue cheese dressing on the side. It was fantastic!

At the end of dinner, the waiter came out and said desserts were on the house. Well. This was a very nice restaurant with the fancy kinds of amazing desserts you could imagine. I know, because I have gone there and eaten them before. But I just smiled and said, "no thank you" as I got up to leave. I didn't care about dessert. I was absolutely content with the meal I had eaten.

So yes, things have changed... I have changed. Changed my mind along with my body this time, and it makes all the difference.

Disconcerting

In 2008, I had lost 64 pounds in less than a year. I went from 278 pounds to 214 pounds. It was great. And then something happened.

As wonderful as it felt, as much as I enjoyed being lighter and smaller, there was also something very uncomfortable about those big changes. It was rather disconcerting. At first, it was just looking in the mirror and having to do a double take because I didn't recognise *that* body. There was a vague discomfort about looking down and seeing a different body than I had been used to seeing. But the overwhelming anxiety came when I didn't fit into my own clothes anymore.

Everyone thinks of weight loss as this great thing, this happy thing, where your pants are too big and your shirts hang on you and it is so exciting and thrilling and you get to go buy new clothes. And it IS like that, sometimes. Sort of. But not always. When I suddenly couldn't wear my favorite outfit because it hung on me like potato sacks, I felt strangely sad. When my jeans were dropping off me and I had to retire them to the Fat Clothes Box, I had mixed feelings. Seeing all the clothes I was used to wearing go into a box was a little upsetting. And I wondered: what would I wear when it got hot? I had no shorts I felt comfortable in. I had no shirts that I thought looked good. If I needed to dress up, I had nothing. My skirts and sweaters were 3X. My pants were 26W. And as I got smaller and smaller, more and more *familiar* things had to go. I moved on down to 2X, 1X, 16, 14 tops and 24W, 22W, 20W and 18 pants. But every time I got something and got comfy with it, it was soon too big. I was running out of clothes. I had to buy more.

I remember very distinctly when the major anxiety about this hit me. I had gone to Lane Bryant and Catherine's, where I could always find decent plus sized stuff, and everything was too big. I had gone to the Plus section of WalMart and ShopKo where I liked to get my clothes, and I was too small for those sections anymore. Finally I decided I would go to Penney's. They had nice clothes, decent prices, and I was used to their plus section so it would be easy to get some things in the regular section.

I went alone. First I went upstairs to the plus section. It was small and homey and familiar, but sure enough, everything was too big. I went back downstairs, excited and eager for a new wardrobe. Instead, I remember walking through what seemed like acres of choices. I walked around and around, looking at the thousands of clothing choices, and I started feeling absolutely overwhelmed. I stood there, looking around, not sure where to start or what to try or what would look good. There were TOO MANY choices. And none of it was cut for a Fat Chick. I walked around feeling like I was lost in a jungle of fabric until I started to get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, and I left without buying a thing. Without even trying anything on. It was just too much.

I went home. I got the Fat Clothes box back out. I pushed my hand deep into the clothing until I felt something wonderfully soft. I pulled out the warm black and olive green sweater and held it to my face and sobbed. It was my favorite sweater. It was so soft. It had been my mother's. After she had died in my arms, I was left with nothing of hers. She had willed her entire estate to her church, including all my childhood things, family heirlooms, and my long-gone father's belongings. When I left her home for the last time, I'd taken her sweater with me. When I wore it I felt close to her. It was all I had left.

I gained back a good chunk of weight... 12 pounds at first, then 20, then 30. It took me a long time to lose that weight again, and now I am back in the same baggy 18's I was in when I fell apart before. In fact, three days ago, I cleaned out my closet again. The new size 14 shirts hang there waiting to be worn. Boxes of size 14 and 16 jeans await me. But as I folded up the Fat Clothes, I felt a twinge of sadness. And a teeny bit of worry. I have no dress pants that fit me now. I haven't a single skirt or dress I could wear if I needed to for an occasion. I need to go shopping. But it was different this time. I didn't feel that overwhelming sadness, and I wasn't having anxiety. I was ready... and able... to let go of the clothes this time. I was excited about the change. And today, I am going shopping to try on some new summer clothes... just a few things to get me through to the next size.

It's not so disconcerting anymore. I don't feel overwhelmed. I am actually *accepting* my new body this time. It's a different feeling. Maybe I wasn't mentally ready to let go of all the baggage before, but I sure am now.

Scale says: 212 pounds.

Is This How Normal People Feel?

Today is weigh-in day, and I was pleased to see the number 213 on the scale. Not only is that a 3 pound loss for the week, but it is also the lowest weight I have seen since 1997. Thirteen years. I feel really content about that. Excited, happy, but mostly just content. It feels right.

Back in 1997 my world fell apart. With four small children from 1 to 7 years old, I became a single mother. I don't have a detailed record of my weight that year, but I know I weighed 184 pounds in April, and by winter I weighed 227. I never got below 227 again until 2008. The Decade of Hell, in more ways than one. And strangely, just now I am realizing that THAT is what I have been trying to escape from. Not just the obesity prison of those ten years, but the sadness, the struggle, the sense of not being *enough* for those ten years. And now I feel I have escaped both.

I thought I was so tired because I was older. I thought the energy and drive I had in my mid-20's was gone because I am 40 years old. I thought raising my little girl made me so much more exhausted than raising four kids in my 20's because of my age.

I was wrong.

It used to be that I was too tired to mop or vacuum, so I let it go. When I finally did get around to mopping, I'd do one room and be way, way too tired to do anymore. When I went grocery shopping, it wiped me out for the day. If I ran errands, it was usually ONE errand, maybe two, because getting the baby in and out of the car more than twice was just too much for me at 278 pounds. If I cooked dinner, I was too tired from the prep to clean up afterwards, so my kitchen was always left a mess when I went to bed. I'd clean it in the morning when I got up. Everything just took *so much* effort.

Yesterday, I had a pretty nice day. I did a couple loads of laundry and changed the sheets on my bed. I tidied up the art supply cabinet for my daughter, gave her a bath, and folded and put away laundry. I mopped the kitchen and dining room, three bathrooms, the entryway, the hallway, and the family room. And when I was done mopping I felt good! I love the nice fresh smell of a freshly mopped house.

I had lunch and then cleaned two bathrooms. I had a couple of friends over for my daughter to play with for awhile, and then I strength trained with dumbbells for 15 minutes. Around 4pm, I looked out the window and saw how beautiful it was and thought, "I'd sure like to take a walk." And so I did: I walked a good pace for about 20 minutes. And then I came home, made dinner, washed all the dishes, and left the kitchen spotless.

Where did all this energy come from? I don't know... is it from losing weight? I feel so much better than I did even 20 pounds ago. The kicker, for me, is the mental state I was in as I accomplished all these tasks yesterday: I was happy and relaxed. I was not pushing myself, or talking myself into doing more, or feeling pressured to get things done. I could have stopped at the mopping and felt like I had a productive day. But I *wanted* to do more. I felt like lifting weights. I felt like walking. It was no trouble or major effort to wash the dishes. I didn't mind. THIS IS VERY NEW. In the past, even when I DID get a lot done, I was pushing myself, cracking the whip over my head and yelling, "Keep going! Get it done!" And I'd be exhausted and actually miserable at the end of the day. But after dinner last night, I felt tired in a *good* way. I felt happy and relaxed and knew I'd fall asleep easily when I went to bed. And I wondered: Is this how normal people feel?

Is this how people feel when they are not afflicted with dis-ease? When their bodies and minds are functioning normally?

I think maybe it is.

In fact. I feel like the person I was back in 1997, before I got obsessed with food. Before the binges really hit. Before I was morbidly obese.

I feel like I have gotten ten years back on my life. I thought 40 HAD to feel old and tired. But it doesn't. Yes, age does slow us down a bit, and our bodies aren't the same as they were at 25. But you know what? I feel normal again. I feel like I have the ability now to live life the way I did when I was 25... without exhaustion and constant pain and always pushing myself against my will. I can do the things I want to do, and be happy about it.

I have my life back. I will never take it for granted again.

More Medifast Food Reviews

I got a new box of Medifast food the other day (I decided to continue Medifast for another month) so I have some new foods to review! Later, when I reach the two month mark on Medifast, I'll be doing an overview of how I feel about this program, what I like and don't like about it, and what I have learned from doing it. I certainly have learned a lot.

Anyway, on with the reviews. First up is the Cream of Broccoli Soup. It comes in a packet and you add water and microwave it:

Well, let me be frank, here. YUCK!!!!!!! As soon as I got it out of the microwave, the smell hit me. If you have ever had canned broccoli soup, it is that smell. Hey, maybe you like canned broccoli soup, in which case you would LOVE this. But I am a made-from-scratch kinda gal, and I make killer broccoli soup, so I don't like the processed stuff. This was bland and had that fakey canned taste. I tried adding some chicken bouillon, black pepper, and chopped steamed fresh broccoli. It was a slight improvement but still a no go. Then I tried adding some grated cheese. Better, but not what I would call *good.* I am absolutely not fond of this soup; in fact, I'd say it is in my bottom 3 of the many Medifast foods I have tried. And while tastes do vary among Medifast users, with some people loving a product and some hating it, this one is generally not very well liked in my experience on the message boards. Just a heads up.

Next up is the Caramel Crunch Bar. This is another one that I was slightly worried about. Some people say the caramel is hard and unpleasant. So I was prepared when I opened my bar... but ooooh, it looked really good!

It's your standard Crunch bar with soy crisp balls, but has a nice bit of caramel and drizzle of chocolate on top. The caramel sort of permeates the rest of the bar a bit too, in a nice way. I took a bite and... yum! The caramel *is* a little stiff but NOT hard. I think if it was cold or you ate it in winter it might be a bit too stiff, but I was trying it in 80 degree weather which softened it up a bit. I tried microwaving it for a few seconds (8) and that softened it up even more. The topping turned a bit gooey like caramel ice cream topping. It's sweet with a bit of salty. I really like this one.

Next, we have the Cinnamon Roll Crunch Bar. Another standard Crunch bar base, but with a cinnamony white drizzle which also coats the bottom of the bar.

I liked this one as well... not as much as the chocolate crunch bar varieties, but good! The smell was identical to the Oatmeal Raisin Crunch Bar and the taste was very similar, except a bit more cinnamony and no raisins. I like this one better than the Oatmeal Raisin bar.

Finally, we have the Cranberry Mango Fruit Drink. This one gets mixed reviews as well, so I didn't know what to expect. I thought it would be okay but not something I'd want again. It's a powder that you mix into water, like a shake, and serve over ice if you like:
 

I mixed it in the mini blender and then added ice cubes. It was kind of milky looking rather than the clear I had expected. I took a sip... and hey, we have a new favorite! I love this one! It is a lot less sweet than the shakes, has a nice fruity flavor (predominantly mango), and is very refreshing! It reminds me of the yogurt mango smoothies I used to make myself for breakfast in the summertime. Granted, it is not as filling as some of the other Medifast foods, but is about as filling as a shake, to me. I like it for my first meal of the day, or when I am really not hungry but need to get a Medifast meal in. I have been drinking this every day and will order it again.

There you have it. There are only a few things left I haven't tried; some I don't intend to EVER try based on others' reviews and knowing what I like and don't like (not going to try the Cream of Tomato Soup or anymore powdered shakes or oatmeals... I just don't like the shakes and oatmeals) and I am allergic to shellfish so I'm not trying the Crab Soup either.

If you'd like to read my other Medifast Food Reviews, go here. If you are interested in a coupon code for Medifast, it's here.

Looking forward to my 8-week weigh-in tomorrow!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

Hooping for Hope

I am kinda late on posting this, but I wanted to share something that my friend Scale Junkie is helping promote: Hooping for Hope, a group that seeks to bring awareness about breast cancer detection and recovery. They are auctioning off some cool bracelets made from guitar strings on Ebay as a fundraiser, and there's still time to support this cause if you're interested. If you'd like to read more, check out Scale Junkie's post here.

'Nother post coming later :)

The Binge Eating Lifestyle

I was in the checkout line at WalMart today when I saw this huge, 4 shelf display of giant, 40-ounce bags of miniature candy bars. They had Reese's peanut butter cup minis. They had Twix. They had the ever-dangerous variety packs with Snickers and Milky Ways and stuff in them. I was waiting in line about 2 feet from this display, and I observed my feelings and my thoughts:

1. I was not drawn to buy them. My mouth did not water. I did not go into fantasy land thinking about how they would taste. I did not get all panicky because I either HAD to have them or I HAD to get out of there. They were just there, like rocks.

2. I had a few seconds of nostalgia, remembering how I used to buy that stuff anytime I saw it. I thought about how I would have bought a bag or two, gone home, hidden in my room, and eaten them. All. In one sitting. And for a split second I was a teensy bit fond of that memory and thinking how nice it would be if I could do that now. I have to stress, this was a *thought*, not an emotion. Big difference from the past.

3. I thought, nah. I am glad I am not eating that anymore. I wouldn't want to anyway. And a little voice inside my head said, "Because I don't want to hate myself."

I had to think about that. It was clear, though, where that came from. It is NOT the sense that it is "wrong" or "bad" to eat candy. Eating stuff is not a moral issue, in my opinion, unless you are stealing the food or taking it away from a starving person. So why would I hate myself if I ate candy?

Well, I wouldn't. It is not that I would hate myself if I ate candy. It is that eating candy in the manner I used to eat it made me hate myself... not because of the single candy-eating incident, but because of the pit of despair I found myself in afterwards. And the pit of despair was not because I ate candy bars. It was the cumulative result of the binge eating lifestyle. And yes, it is a lifestyle.

When you are obsessed with FOOD, constantly plotting and planning for the next fix, hiding wrappers and sneaking candy bars into the bathroom or bedroom so no one will see you eat... when you ignore your kids and your friends and your life because you want cake MORE than any of those things... when you get so high on an 8,000-calorie bender and then come crashing, plummeting down... it is sheer misery. It feels like you can't escape. And you think something is wrong with you. And you start to hate yourself.

I don't ever want to feel that way again. Yeah, someday I will probably eat at least *some part* of a candy bar or a piece of homemade fudge or something like that again. Nothing wrong with that. But I pray I will never, ever find myself in the checkout line at WalMart buying a 40-ounce bag of candy bars to take home and hurt myself with. Because that sugary mess might erase reality for ten or fifteen minutes, but the reality you come back to is a nightmare.

I will keep the reality I have now... the good AND the bad. I want to experience life, not hide from it. I want to love myself. And I do.

You, Too, Can Lose 0 Pounds in 20 Months (and be happy about it)!

This morning, I had a very exciting weigh-in. I knew it was coming, but oh, what a long time coming it was. Today, I weigh 214 pounds.

Here is a graph of my weight from August 4, 2008 through today: a complete picture of what happened with my weight for the past 20 months. I weighed 214 on both ends of this graph, and everything from 225 to 245 in between:

When I look at that graph, I see the struggle. I see that I never gave up. I worked, I lost weight, then succumbed to a binge and regained. Repeatedly. But for the first time in my life, I kept fighting. I didn't regain all the weight and then some.

Back in August 2008, I made a special post for my 1-year 'bloggiversary' in which I posted before and after pictures of me weighing 278 and 214 pounds. That was the year BEFORE the chart above, when my graph showed a steady downward trek totalling 64 pounds. When I look at those incredible pictures now, it is hard to believe I weigh 214 again. For twenty months I have wished and worked and wanted to weigh 214 again, sad that I let it get away from me, and wondering if I would ever be able to get back there again. And here I am. Wow.

What I want you to take away from this post and seeing this graph is that it might take time... a lot of time. It will probably take a lot of work and dedication. There might be a lot of ups and downs. But you *can* reach your goals. Really. It took me 20 months to go from 214 to... 214. But it was SO worth it. I learned so much about myself. My life is a hundred times better. My head is on straight and I *think* I am finally getting a grip on the whole binge eating thing (binge free for almost 8 weeks now). Think where I would be if I had given up. I will tell you where. I'd be about one hundred pounds heavier than I am now. I can tell you that because of my prior track record of losing and then quickly regaining ALL the weight and adding another 20 or 30 or more pounds to it.

In 2008, I weighed 214 for all of 3 days before bouncing back up into the 220s. This time, I hope to weigh 214 for a few days again... before leaving it behind and moving on to 213, 212, 211, and beyond. I am so excited. I love life :)

Thank you for being here to celebrate with me. Thank you!

Step-by-Step: Spaghetti Squash

Here's a vegetable that most people have heard of, but not so many have tried it. I hope that is about to change! Maybe this post will make a convert out of you!

Why bother eating spaghetti squash? Well, besides being delicious, one cup of spaghetti squash provides 2.2g fiber, 10g carbs, 1g protein, and significant amounts of Vitamins C, A, several B vitamins, manganese, potassium, and magnesium. And here's a nice surprise: this winter squash is also a good source of omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids (121 mg and 73mg, respectively)! All for only 42 calories per cup. This is one vegetable that is definitely worth trying if you never have.

Spaghetti squash tastes, to me, more like a summer squash than a winter squash. It tastes nothing like acorn squash. When cooked properly it is not hard nor mushy, but holds its shape and texture while being soft and tender. Its flavor is just slightly sweet but overall rather neutral, which makes it a great base for sauces and toppings. And since it looks like spaghetti strands, it makes a great substitute for pasta. But how to prepare it? Well, some people like to bake them or steam them, but I prefer the speed and ease of microwaving. They are really hard to cut when raw, and using this method you do not have to do any hard labor.

First, I take my big, raw squash and cut a hole in it with a knife, like so:

The hole is essential or your squash will blow up in the microwave. Not pretty. Next, put it on a plate and microwave it. How long depends on how big your squash is. Mine was BIG, so it took a total of 14 minutes (high power). A smaller squash might take 8 to 10 minutes. Cook it in intervals; I did mine for 4 minutes, then turn it over, then 4 more minutes, rotate it a bit again, 4 more, rotate, then 2 and it was done. For a smaller squash use 3 minute intervals. I turn the squash (using oven mitts) because the bottom cooks faster than the top, so I flip it a couple times. You can tell when it is done by jabbing a fork into it. If it is hard to jab, keep cooking. It should be tender (but not mushy) all over when it is done. Make sure you poke it on all sides to be sure it is all cooked. This is easier than it sounds.

Now, take it out and cut it in half. The cutting should be VERY easy. If it is hard, cook the squash more. It will look like this:

In the center, you can see the seeds and the darker orangey-yellow strands around the seeds. Just take this center part out with a fork. Don't get all crazy trying to pick each seed out. Just scrape the middle out and toss it. You will end up with this:

Nice, soft, pretty yellow strands. Mmmmm. Now, just scrape them out with a fork, like this:

Scrape all the way down to the skin. Put the squash in a bowl. You'll have this:

All ready to eat! You can toss this with a bit of butter or olive oil, salt and pepper and Parmesan and eat it like that. Or you can make your favorite pasta sauce and serve it like spaghetti. Tonight for dinner, I made meatballs from lean, grass fed local beef and simmered them in low sugar spaghetti sauce. Here's a picture of my dinner:

It was SO yummy. I had a side salad with Balsamic vinaigrette with it. The kids had Barilla Plus high fiber, high protein spaghetti with the same sauce & meatballs & lean turkey Italian sausage. No complaints!

Other things that I have put on my spaghetti squash:
sloppy joe meat
stroganoff
light Alfredo sauce
chili
taco meat
melted mozzarella
Swedish meatballs

Basically, anything you would put over noodles or rice can go over spaghetti squash. It's much lower calories and carbs than most noodles or rice, tastes great, and is so good for you! You can also make it into fritters or make it into a crust for a dinner pie or pizza (check online for recipes, or maybe I will share some another time!) Great stuff, so versatile.

Are you a convert? I really love this stuff. You gotta try it. Now go eat your veggies!

For A Bloomin' Onion

Tonight I went out for a birthday dinner with my boy. His choice... Outback. Ahhh, yes. Outback, home of the dark brown honey bread with whipped butter (Free! All you can eat!), the Bloomin' Onion, the fried mushrooms, the prime rib with a baked potato oozing with butter, cheese, bacon and sour cream or huge piles of golden fries ready to be drowned in Ranch. Oh, and don't forget the huge chocolate cake with hot fudge and ice cream. Yeah. THAT Outback. I know Outback well, because before I started this journey to better health, I'd go there and eat All Of The Above without a second thought. I looooved it. I loved fried food, greasy food, super-salty food, and sugar. It was an hour of heaven going there. My only worry was how I could get the people I was eating with to order enough appetizers (don't forget the Aussie Cheese fries with Bacon & Ranch) and how I could get away with eating way more than anyone else without looking *too* crazed.

Tonight, it was a little different. Oh, the booths were the same (or did they seem a little roomier?) and the menu hadn't changed, but something had changed. They brought that same warm, crusty bread and soft butter. I sliced it for my son, but I didn't want any. Actually, I didn't even think about trying it or wanting it. It was just an object on the table, like a rock. I scanned the menu and then we ordered. I had:

unsweetened iced tea with fresh lemon slices
a side House salad (mixed greens, cucumbers, sweet little juicy red tomatoes) with no croutons and no cheese, and a side of blue cheese dressing
a Seared Ahi Tuna appetizer... except I ordered this as my main dish
a side of plain steamed broccoli (no butter, no salt)

As I sat waiting for my food, I glanced at the table next to us. Just a few feet away, a lady sat. A very nicely dressed lady with long, wavy hair. A lady who was morbidly obese. I never saw the front of her, as she was sitting facing her dinner companion, but I did see (and smell) the dishes that the waitress brought her. When I saw the Bloomin' Onion placed in front of her, I had this very odd twinge of jealousy. It was a thought, though... not an emotion, if that makes sense. I thought something like, "gee, I wish I could sit and eat a Bloomin' Onion and not care what it did to my body." And then I realized, no, I didn't wish that. And for that matter, who knows whether that woman cares or not? Yes, I was a little envious of the flavors in her mouth right then... of the experience she was having with her food... the experience I used to savor. But I saw the way her body spilled over her seat. It looked absolutely uncomfortable. I saw the way her clothing was stretched. I saw a woman who I would estimate to be 350 pounds, and I didn't really want to trade. Not for the loaded baked potato soup she ate after the Bloomin' Onion, not for the great big prime rib and fries she had after that, not for the cheesecake she had for dessert. I did *not* want to trade.

Don't get me wrong. I was not looking at her in any sort of a judgemental way. Hey, she was pretty from the back, and sounded happy, and I have no idea how wonderful, horrible, happy or sad her life is, nor would I try to speculate. What I was noticing was MY responses to the food that wafted past my nose every time the waitress came by for that table... and how deeply connected we are to what we eat. How every choice leads to *something.* And my *something*, right now, is making me very happy, because of choices I have made. And no matter how wonderful that lovely lady's life may be, I don't want to trade.

The tea was refreshing, the salad crisp and flavorful. The ahi tuna was served with a Romaine heart and a side of soy ginger sauce, making a wonderful combination of hearty, spicy, cool, and crunchy that was a delight to partake. The broccoli was steamed perfectly: tender and delicious. And when I put my fork down, my body was singing because it was happy with what I put in it. I do not want to trade that for a Bloomin' Onion.

Yes, something at Outback has changed. It's me.

Strength Training & Feeling Great!

Two weeks ago today, I exposed myself and committed to making some changes in order to improve my strength and personal power. (I feel rather vulnerable as I lose weight, but that sense of vulnerability goes way down when I am lifting weights). Since then, I've been doing upper body strength training a couple times a week. The results are amazing! I am always surprised by how little time and effort it takes for my muscles to start building up and making themselves known. I have only worked my arms four times in two weeks, but you wouldn't believe the difference. No, you can't really *see* the changes yet, but boy do I feel them. So many things are easier with strong arms: mopping, carrying groceries, picking up a child, moving boxes, cleaning, gardening, yard work, etc etc.

I want to challenge you to try strength training. It is SO EASY. Really. It takes almost no time at all. Here is what I do:
biceps curls
triceps kickbacks
wrist curls & reverse wrist curls
counter push-ups (push-ups off the counter instead of the floor)
overhead presses
shoulder flys
bent over rows
dumbbell shrugs
and crunches, just because I like strong abs

It sounds like a lot but it is NOT. I do 2 sets of 12-15 reps of each exercise. I started using 5lb hand weights from Wal Mart. I use 8lbs now.

This whole routine only takes me 15 minutes! Can you spare 15 minutes twice a week?

I am not currently doing any lower body/leg exercises because of my knee issues and time constraints, but I do walk several times a week. I may add leg stuff later. For now I am focusing on my arms, back, shoulders, abs.

Every time I lift I feel powerful. And every time I go to pick something up or move something, I notice the improved strength in my arms. I love this feeling!

I am not a strength training expert. I had no clue what I was doing at first. I didn't want to go to a gym, so I just do this in my bedroom in front of a mirror. When I started out, I Googled a lot of exercises; there is a lot of info online. I also ordered these books. They are SO helpful to me as I change or add to my routine:

Weight Training For Dummies (simple, straightforward, very basic advice for beginners)

Strength Training Anatomy (I love this because it explains the muscle groups and I am a sciency/geeky kind of person who loves to read this kind of thing and look at pictures)

Strength Training for Women (Nice. Teaches how to build strength and tone but not BULK.)

I just ordered this one:
Anatomy for Strength and Fitness Training: An Illustrated Guide to Your Muscles in Action (Because once again, sciency brain)

And this one is next on my list (I love to read!):
The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess

You can find everything you need to begin online, or you can look around for a manual that you can sit down with and flip through as you build your routine. I love this stuff. It is so worth it to me to build strength and definition and feel powerful again. Give it a try! Let me know how you feel after a few weeks!

Delicious Egg White Salad

Here's something I tried today because I was feeling hungry. I wanted a high volume of food, great taste, lots of protein, not much fat. I have heard of people making egg salad with just whites, so I decided to try it. Actually, I didn't want to spend time boiling eggs and cooling them, nor did I want to throw away the wonderful, omega-3-rich egg yolks from grass fed local chickens, so I decided to try making egg white salad from Egg Beaters. You could make this with either whites or egg substitute from a carton. This works!

First, I measured one cup of Egg Beaters into a nonstick pan over medium heat. I cooked it as you would an omelet, not scrambling, just letting it cook through. Then I split it in half and flipped it to finish the cooking, like so:

When it was cooked through, I slid it onto a plate to cool. When it was about room temperature, I diced it up and put it in the fridge to chill.

To make the egg salad:
Mix cold chopped egg whites or Beaters with 1T light mayonnaise, 1/2 tsp. Dijon mustard, and 1/2 tsp. yellow mustard. At this point you can add any of your usual egg salad fixings: minced onion, diced celery, whatever you prefer. I added a bit of onion powder, salt, paprika, black pepper, and curry powder to mine. And then at the end, I folded in 3 minced green olives (the kind stuffed with pimentos... yummy!) This was perfect!

I thought I'd miss the bread or crackers, but once I tasted it I was hooked! I ate it straight from the bowl, as is. Very delicious and filling. It would also be good on whole grain bread. Yum!

This is a wonderful low carb, high protein option. If you are on Medifast, this entire recipe is only *part* of your dinner. It breaks down as:
Egg Beaters = 1/2 Lean
mayo = 1 fat serving
olives = 1/2 fat serving
mustard & seasonings =approx 2 condiments
So you'd still need another 1/2 lean plus your 3 veg servings for a complete dinner. Lots of food!
Enjoy!

People Searching

People seem to find my blog in the most interesting ways. Some are searching for help, others for answer. Some, I have no idea what they were searching for, but they got here. Every so often I look through my blog stats to see the search terms that brought new readers to my blog.

You've got some silly ones:
how to dress up obese
can overeating give you a big gut?
moonpie heaven
obeast recipe
corduroy fat butt

The sexy ones:
lovely/fatties.com
30 pound boobs pics with shirts
obese butt pics

The ones wondering about stuff that I may (or may not) have written about:
what the heck is a leek?
has someone ever died from eating a hot dog?
is spinage dip bad for you?
can i accidentally squash my baby in my belly?
how much do leeks weigh?
WHAT WOULD A FAT PERSON EAT?
is mushy watermelon bad for you?

The ones asking questions:
is being thin really that great?
I have arthritis in my knees and back it hurts to walk and move, I need to get in shape how can I do it?
how much food do you eat on your binge?
how do I make myself look 40 pounds thinner in my photos?
do sausage rolls give you palpitations?
i starve myself all day then have ice cream for dinner will i gain weight?

And even some that give advice or insight:
You get to eat every day of your life, so you don't have to eat it all at once.
when i am happy , I feel full, and when I am bored , i feel hungry
i was fat because i was scared

Some that make me go, hmmm...:
my boyfriend made me fat
why women give up so easy when it comes to the issue of obesity
making dinner for an obese person
correlation between fat and stupid

There are some that I can really relate to:
whenever I get a box of chocolates I have to eat it all at once
how to keep pants from rubbing between the legs
overweight sit on floor get up legs hurt
overeat because tastes good
I ate a whole batch of cookie dough
obesity unable to tie shoes
syndrome where people eat everything
How to gain space between seat and steering wheel because of being over weight
Obesity break bed
thudding in chest
knees crackle because overweight
i gained a pound after eating cookie dough
help i feel like my stomach is a bottomless pit
heart arrythmias after eating fritos
obese sore knees exhausted
when getting up from chair, my legs are so heavy, hard to walk

And then there are the ones that bring me to tears, because of what the search implies about the person who is searching:
if your 14 years old and your 278 pounds is that obesity?
How to fill yourself up when you feel empty inside
obese and feeling hopeless
lose 30 lb or die
single overweight women who have a hard time finding men to date
squashing obese immobile disgusting
i eat to escape how to stop
i feel emotionally flat-lined
when will obese daughter realize she has to stop eating?
overeating myself into oblivion and obesity
my child is embarrassed by my weight
compulsion to eat everything so that it is gone
How love yourself despite the weight gain
i am eating myself to death
240 pounds how the hell did this happen to me?
can't escape fat hell
obesity wrecked my life

Sobering. While we can never know what *really* was behind those searches, when you think about it, we do know, in a way, what everyone on this kind of journey is searching for. Those search terms are so relatable *because* the feelings and thoughts are almost universal among those desperate to escape from obesity. It is painful and lonely and I remember all those times when I was morbidly obese, scouring the Internet with search terms like "how to lose weight fast," "stop eating so much," and "I am afraid I will die if I don't lose weight." There are thousands of people out there searching for the same thing. I count myself blessed that some of you who landed here by searching have stayed and found some sort of community... a sense of no longer being alone. Hope. Because now we know we are NOT alone. And yes, we can change our lives.

For me, the search is over. Oh, I will never be done learning and growing, but I no longer have that sense of desperation that I *MUST* find the Magic Bullet... that I am running out of time and need to figure this out NOW before I kill myself with my fat. I never did find a magic bullet. There is none. But I found ME. Maybe that is what we were all searching for, anyway.

Blessings and Weight

This morning marks week 7 on Medifast for me. And I am down another pound to 216. If you want to know how I feel about that, read last week's weigh-in post, because I feel about the same, little voices included.

***except...***

Yesterday when I weighed in at 217 for the umpteenth time this month, and started thinking about how slow the weight loss has been in April and how *absolutely on plan* I have been, I smiled. I was happy. I was at peace with the number and what I am doing, because it is no longer a race or a scale-driven emotional roller coaster ride I am on. It is *life.* And life has been very good, so why on earth should a bit of a plateau in my weight change that? Is life suddenly *not good* because of some arbitrary number I saw yesterday?

No.

I had a wonderful day yesterday baking a wonderful, rich chocolate cake from scratch for my son, as I have done for the previous 17 years. As the warm aroma wafted from the oven, I smiled while I beat the shiny dark brown frosting in a bowl with my little girl on a stool by my side. I gave her one beater to lick, and put the other in the sink. I washed out the batter bowls without tasting. I didn't have any desire to taste. None. My heart was just singing because I was making something lovely for my darling boy, who it seems just yesterday was laid in my arms after seven hours of labor. He was an answer to prayers... a miracle, after a lost baby, an unpleasant surgery, and a bad infection that the doctors said left me scarred and possibly unable to have more children. When I was pregnant again I was beyond thrilled, until I went one day for my checkup and was told that my twin embryos were not viable; their growth had stopped and there were no heartbeats anymore. I went home and walked out to the barn, sat on the dirty hay-strewn floor with my head in my hands and cried. I cried my heart out for the baby I had lost before, the twins who were now gone, and the gaping hole that was left when I found out I was not going to be a mother again after all. For a week my heart lay shattered in pieces as I waited for the scheduled surgery to remove the twins and prevent another infection, but when I went to my appointment I just *could not* let it go. I begged for one more ultrasound to be sure. And there on the screen, one of the twins had tripled in size. There was a tiny flickering heartbeat. I was never more grateful, until the day that baby son was laid in my arms, eighteen years ago this week.

And he has remained a blessing in my life: always compassionate, helpful, kind. A wonderful son. We took a picture together out on the deck yesterday, in the sunshine with the big maple tree behind us. He towered over me, held his new skateboard, and smiled. When I caught a glimpse of the picture, I was momentarily surprised by how fat I looked. Just for a split second, my brain went, "ughhh!" But then I was overcome with joy. I love the picture of me and my miracle boy. I love it and I am going to frame it and hang it on the wall, because I am so filled with joy to have him.

This isn't really about weight as much anymore. I mean, yes, I still have knee problems that NEED to be addressed and that includes losing weight. That is happening. I am working on my body. But I am not working on it in the same mindset anymore. The weight loss effort is not *my life* anymore (as it had become); it is just part of a much bigger picture: a rich, blessed life that I want to enjoy for many decades to come, with the people I love.

I am glad I lost a pound and I am excited to be nearing a new low on this journey. But I am more excited that I have the energy and focus to be *involved* in my life. I am more excited that I have a clean kitchen than I am about that pound. I'd say the clean kitchen is the bigger accomplishment this week... not because I haven't had a clean kitchen in awhile... I have. It hasn't been a continuous wreck or anything. But for years I have been SO exhausted at the end of each day that the dinner dishes quite often ended up left in the sink and on the counters to be dealt with in the morning or maybe even the *next* day, because it was just *too much* for me to handle. But all this week, I found myself cheerfully cleaning up the kitchen every evening so that I awoke to a fresh clean space every morning. Even yesterday when I made a cake, frosting, a cauliflower pizza for myself and a dozen calzones from scratch for my son and his friends, everything was clean at the end of the day. You couldn't even tell what was cooked in there. And that is a HUGE change for me... and one that I can easily maintain with the energy I have now. Life is becoming more orderly and therefore more enjoyable.

Count your blessings today. See what is good in your life. Remember that an uncooperative scale does NOT negate all the happy, wonderful, joyful things in your life. Just keep doing whatever it is that makes you healthier and let it happen... *while* you enjoy life.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

In Control

I had something really cool happen today.

You remember my post about fried potatoes? How those things were my #1 major binge food? Well yesterday my husband, who I have not seen in 6 weeks but is here at the moment bought himself a great big bag of Ruffles potato chips and sat eating them in the living room. It sort of bugged me, mainly that he DID that knowing I used to love them and am trying not to eat them anymore, but I was ok. He put the chips on the counter next to my bottles of sugar-free syrups. Then again today, he got out the chips and sat on the couch eating them straight from the bag for like, 20 minutes.

Did it bother me?

You know what? It didn't. I made myself a protein-rich Medifast banana pudding (made in a blender with less water and a bunch of ice = soft serve ice cream) and sat down to enjoy it. Those crunching sounds... the rustling bag... the constant chomp-chomp-chomp... they didn't set me off. Instead, I thought about how the inside of the bag is coated with grease, how insanely salty they are, and how ICKY I feel after eating that junk. And I smiled to myself because I don't WANT chips. I want to be well. I want protein. I want to be FREE from the addictive call of crap foods.

This weekend is a family member's birthday. I'll be making my famous chocolate layer cake from scratch with creamy chocolate frosting. I bought some Peanut Butter Cup ice cream for the celebration. I'll be making fresh calzones for dinner at the request of the birthday boy. And you know what? I am okay! I held that ice cream in my hands and didn't drool or get upset or start flipping out. I will make that cake and not taste the batter or the frosting because I trust that it will taste just the same as it has tasted every other time I have made it. I will enjoy the wonderful aroma of the chocolate cake, and it will be a joy to serve it to others. But I will stick with my eating plan, not because I am forced to or am depriving myself, but because I want to. I want to stay in control of my desires and my actions. It feels good, and powerful. It makes me happy. Happier than cake, or ice cream, or chips.

Have a great weekend!

I Am Whole

I was lying on my bed tonight after a filling dinner of chicken & mushroom Fettuccine Alfredo made from zucchini, when I had a breakthrough moment. An enlightenment. A feeling I have not had in decades. It might be hard to describe this to you, but let me try.

By way of background, I have been SO energized for the past few days. I have stuck to my eating plan 100% and I have felt like *doing* things... like *living.* The weather is nice and sunny. I find myself no longer avoiding moving. What I mean is that when my kids used to ask me to do something, I'd try and find a way to put it off. If something came into my mind that I should be doing, I'd try to drown out that thought with food or TV or some other distraction. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, and I was no exception. Leave me alone. Let me be. I am tired. I want to sit. That was my mantra. But lately, I have been making an effort to stop this bad habit by FORCING myself to get up and do things even when I didn't feel like it. If I knew the toilet needed cleaning, and I started trying to rationalize NOT doing it, I would just FORCE myself up off the couch to do it, hating it all the way. If I saw that something ought to be done, instead of waiting for one of my kids to come around and then making THEM do it (as has been my habit), I just MADE myself get up and do it on my own. Gosh I hated it. I felt like I was dragging. But I wanted to change.

And change has come. I don't know what it is, but this week I became the person I was pretending to be. I became a self-motivated, active participant in my own life. I started noticing that instead of FORCING myself to get up and do that crappy stuff, I actually just DO it now without thinking or forcing. I just think, "oh, dishes need to be washed" and without even really trying, my legs are taking me into the kitchen and I am washing dishes and not moaning and complaining in my head the whole time. Instead of putting my daughter off when she wants to go outside, or MAKING myself do it, I actually just DO it and it feels natural and normal and good. Is this making any sense?

I have heard of "fake it til you make it" and I am not sure that's what has happened here... but something sure has changed in my head. I am on my feet most of the day. I am completing tasks, not in a race to try and hurry to get a few things knocked off some arbitrary list so I can have some justification to RELAX, but because completing the tasks is part of LIFE and I am living. I am actually *wanting* to go down that flight of stairs and get the papers off the printer myself rather than asking someone else to do it. I am going outside and picking up the yard because I FEEL LIKE IT. I feel like living. I feel alive. It almost brings me to tears, because I thought I was living before, but this is different.

And that's the new light... the realization that I had while lying in my bed this evening. I wasn't going to bed for the night; I was just going into my room to lie down for 10 minutes to take a break because I'd worked hard today, and I wanted a few moments to rest before putting my daughter to bed. And as I was lying there in my bed, listening to the birds singing outside the window, feeling myself breathe, I felt like myself again. But not the self I have been for the past decade and a half of divorced, obese misery; I felt like my prior, unspoiled self... the young girl who was happy and free and had such a bright future ahead. I suddenly actually FELT in every way like I felt at 17, or 19, lying on my bed after a full, active day and relaxing for a few minutes before finishing up the evening. I was ME. I was not scarred, hurt, afraid, hiding, jaded. I was not dreading anything. I was excited to be living, and every day was fresh and new. I was fit and healthy and did things because I felt like it, and I LOVED life. And tonight, lying in bed, I was that girl again.

I am that girl! I am still the same person I was at 17 or 19... just wiser, smarter, more experienced. I found ME. She has been lost... buried under fat and pain and sadness and rejection for years and years. I remembered her as someone I used to be... a different person. But I have her back. I feel reconnected. I don't feel split anymore. I feel whole again.

I am so happy with this life I have now. I think I have sort of been reborn, in a way. I never thought I would be able to reunite that young me with the me I am now, but tonight, knowing they are one and the same person... feeling that energy and peace and hope return and fill every corner of my being... I am just overflowing with joy.

Thank you for being a part of it.

Detachment and the Obesity Connection

I've often shared how, when I was eating a lot of junk, I'd go into a sugar fog: a sense that I was seeing the world through a grease-smeared windowpane and not feeling fully "alive." The funny thing is I often didn't even notice I was *in* the fog until I got out. Get off sugar and junk for 3 or 4 days and suddenly the world comes alive: colors seem brighter, everything is clearer.

I never realized until recently how profoundly disconnected I was from my body when I was mistreating it with binge eating and the sluggish, self-centered lifestyle I'd adopted as a morbidly obese person. While I was stuffing my face with every imaginable goodie, I was transcending the 278-pound prison of pain that surrounded me. I wasn't a big tired woman eating brownie batter in the kitchen; when I was eating that sugary, fatty blend, I was a princess floating on a pink cloud with rainbows and unicorns dancing by. All the world was right for those few minutes when the batter was slipping down my throat. My eyes almost rolled back in my head in pleasure and I was in another dimension. And then the bowl was empty and I'd snap back to the reality of being a sad lonely single mother in a 3X t shirt with pizza sauce stains down the front and holey stretch pants. And to counter that reality, I needed a bag of potato chips.

I was so detached from my body that I honestly didn't know how big I'd gotten. I remember squeezing into my size 26 jean shorts, being almost unable to button them, and yet I never really *got* that I had gained more than 100 pounds. I wasn't stupid, I wasn't even truly oblivious. I mean, I had to buy bigger sizes as I went along, but I still saw myself at about 225 pounds when I looked in the mirror... much the same way I see myself at 235 when I look in the mirror today weighing 216. I never really *got* how much I weighed until I had lost about 30 or 40 pounds and looked at the pictures I posted on my blog. My jaw dropped. I had been THAT big? I don't remember seeing THAT body in the mirror. I *do* remember being in pain, being unable to walk for more than 2 minutes or go up and down stairs, and I remember sleeping propped up because if I laid down I would wake up choking on digested food that came up my throat in my sleep. I remember walking through a party supply shop, turning around in and aisle and knocking an entire glass shelf filled with merchandise onto the floor. I remember standing red-faced in the resultant pile of glass shards and wondering how my hip had caught that shelf... surely I was not as wide as the narrow aisles. I remember breaking chairs when I sat down, but I somehow was still so detached from my *body reality* that I didn't really comprehend how large I had gotten. Until I started to lose weight.

I wasn't just detached from my body... I was detached from life. I spent a lot of time in my head, thinking about food, planning the next binge, making up recipes, wondering if bacon would taste good in a butter-grilled peanut butter sandwich. I *saw* the stuff around me, but I was somewhere else a lot of the time. Sadly, I was so focused on food that I was missing out on other, more important (and more pleasant) things in life.

A lot of the time when I am in a sugar fog, I am largely detached from what is going on around me. I don't notice things and I don't feel like doing things. I want to sit, watch TV, spend hours on the computer, and eat. THAT is what I call "living in my head." Heck, I wouldn't even need a body at all if I had some way to get cupcakes and hot dogs into my alternate reality... I just used my body as a means to experience the pleasures of eating. Not much else. Oh, I'd do the basics, clean the house, care for the children, etc., but I was not *present* for cleaning the house. I didn't *play* with my children on the playground... I just *watched* them and *thought* about how much I love them. Big difference.

When I am out of the sugar fog, and not obsessing about food, I feel so much more grounded to reality... to my body. I am not living in some imaginary world in my mind... I am actually interacting in my environment. I am not trying constantly to escape reality by eating. I am actually *enjoying* reality. Creating it. Living it.

I feel so very alive now. I see things that need to be done and I embrace the challenge instead of dreading the work. I see the sunshine outside and I want to be out there *in* it... not burying my face in a Big Mac Meal or a computer screen for hours on end. I feel like I have stepped back into the real world. I feel like I have awakened from a decade of detached slumber. I am awake, alive, and present.

Be present for *your* life. It is there, waiting to be enjoyed and embraced.

Got A Little Carried Away...

I was planning to post something interesting today, but this week is starting out to be my BEST week yet! What I mean is, I have finally started to feel energized and fully awake again. I really struggle over the winter with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I have to use the therapy lights and vitamin D just to keep myself from sleeping for 4 months! The weather has been nicer and I've been taking walks. I'm getting lots of sunshine. I am out of the sugar fog and getting plenty of protein and other nutrients I need to function (it is painfully obvious to me NOW that part of my problem has been not getting enough protein. Lesson learned!) I am also taking a B complex supplement, and this weight loss makes every movement a little easier.

I admit I have been a slug over the last 6 months. I'd pry myself off the couch for a walk or a bike ride or maybe lift a few weights but OH how I dreaded it. I was soooo tired. Every move was such an effort. I felt like I was walking through molasses. My house started to get cluttery and the to-do's piled higher and higher. You can always tell the state of my mind and emotions (and resultant energy level) by walking in the door and looking at my dining room counter. When I am doing well, it is an inviting place to sit for a snack or to do paperwork. When I am not, it is a dusty avalanche of lost paperwork and random junk. It truly reflects my state of mind. So does my to-do list which has gotten about 20 pages long over the winter. But lately, I've been getting things done. Sort some things here, pay some bills there, do a little more cleaning, check off some to-do's. And today I had SUCH a burst of productivity that I barely sat down until just now after 10PM, having *just* finished putting a third coat of finish on an oak bed I am refinishing for my little girl. She is getting much too big for a toddler bed! She is inheriting big brother's old bed, and it looks like new with the work my son and I put into it. I also just put the finishing touches on my income taxes, which I prepared for 2 hours today. And I ran errands too. Got lots done, but ran out of time and brain capacity for a well-thought-out blog. So this is what you get instead :)

Tomorrow I will write. I do so love to write!

And I will live and enjoy this amazing, energetic, beautiful gift of life I have been granted! And you do the same.

Topless Picture of an Obese Woman

You never thought you'd see the day.

But I have been convinced.

The Exposed movement has come back around. After baring my naked arms to the world last week, the lascivious Jack Sh*t requested something of me. I'd asked him to post a topless picture of himself (because he is SUCH an inspiration and well, who doesn't want to see a guy without a shirt??) And he did it! Brave man that he is, he bared himself to the world.

I admit I nagged him into it. But I never expected to be nagged back.

So I laughed when he suggested that I, too, should post a topless picture.

But then I thought about it.

Would I?

After all, how could I ask him to do something I was not willing to do myself?

So I decided to be EXTRA brave, and post a topless picture for Jack Sh*t. And for all of you.

So here you go, as requested, a topless picture of me:





You can't say I never did anything for you Jack.

(Don't roll your eyes TOO hard! More substantial, although not topless, post coming later today.)

Weigh-In... Happy or Sad?

This morning I weighed in. I have completed 6 full weeks on Medifast. I stepped on the scale and saw 217 pounds! Last Sunday I weighed 220, so that is another 3 pound loss for a total of 17 pounds in 6 weeks. That made me very happy! I have longed to be this weight for over a year and a half and finally here I am, enjoying life and feeling amazing. And then the little voice started:

"Yeah but you didn't lose ANY weight last week. You should've lost way more this week. Not 3 measly pounds."
"Yeah but you weighed 219 on April first so that is only TWO lousy pounds gone so far this month. Two pounds in 11 days is NOT good. Failure!"
"Yeah but you coulda lost two pounds in a day just going potty. Hahahaha! Two pounds is nothing."
"Yeah but..."

At this point I shut YeahBut down, put the little voice in a bottle like a bothersome genie, corked it, tossed it, and said to myself, "Self, I am so proud of you. You have stuck with your plan for six weeks straight without fail. You have not binged once in six weeks. And you even strength trained your upper body TWICE this week. Yes, self, I am very proud of you!"

And then I smiled and gave myself a hug.

I feel wonderful. This morning I fit into some jeans that did not fit me at all last month, and wow, they look great on me! My butt even looks good! I am getting a lot more interaction and attention when I go out. At first I wondered if it was just my confidence drawing people in, but several times I have been obliviously loading groceries into my car or scanning shelves for an item I wanted when men just walked up to me and struck up pleasant conversations out of the blue. That never, NEVER happened to me at 278 pounds. I hate that weight makes such a difference, but it does seem to, and I have to admit it is nice to be treated like a "normal" person out in public. Too bad people can't treat everyone the same. But I do feel good. I also started taking a sublingual B vitamin complex this week because my energy has been pretty low for a couple of weeks... actually, since last fall. It has made a world of difference in both my mood and energy! I take one dropperful a day and am feeling like myself again.

I see a lot of people who get upset when they don't lose a lot of weight each week. No matter what the eating plan is, we all want results. Just like on the Biggest Loser, where we see people crying because they "only" lost 4 pounds that week, we set up expectations for ourselves and if we don't get what we want, we might feel like it isn't worth it. But you know, it is worth it. Because it is about getting healthier and not eating junk and conditioning our bodies. It is about LONG term results, not one week or one month. It's about not having unrealistic expectations and accepting that weight loss can take a really long time. I see people on Medifast who think that because *some* people drop 5 or more pounds every week on the plan, that their "measly" 2 or 3 pounds a week is a failure. I see people quitting all sorts of plans and going off and going back to eating junk and regaining weight because they aren't losing "fast enough." Actually, I think it is a sign of maturity to NOT always base your actions around what the scale says. Sure, if you have a long plateau it is wise to examine your eating, switch up your exercise, and perhaps tweak or change your plan, but what sense does it make to give up and eat junk because you "only" lost one pound this week?

So I see my loss, I see my weight, I feel good, I am happy. Even if I lose 5 pounds a month that is awesome! It will get me to my goal. Quitting will not.

Life is so good and I am very pleased with myself. My arms are getting stronger. And I can't wait to make some yummy cauliflower pizza for dinner tonight!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

I Eat!

I thought it would be fun to show you some of the things I've been eating this past week!

One thing I really like about my eating plan is that I am learning to eat small, protein-rich mini-meals throughout the day (5 of them) and then I *also* get the fun and creativity of cooking a nice dinner for my family and myself. During the day I eat Medifast foods every 2-3 hours: chili, chicken & wild rice soup, scrambled eggs, hot cocoa, crunchy pretzels, bars, and shakes. And then at dinner I have 5-7oz of protein and 3 servings of veggies. Sometimes if my protein is very lean, I add healthy fats. I usually add a few condiments, which are allowed. So what does that look like?

Here's a dinner of baked chicken breast with a bit of mushroom-y sauce, with sides of steamed broccoli, finely shredded cabbage sauteed in sesame oil, and a mixed greens salad with Salsa Ranch dressing:

This one is an after-Easter special of deviled eggs and fresh asparagus that I sauteed in a nonstick pan with a spritz of olive oil and some sliced fresh garlic:

Yummy, filling, nutritious meals that I truly enjoy. I wish I had taken pictures of my other meals this week:

Freshly caught wild halibut baked with olive oil, lemon, garlic & dill, with steamed broccoli and a salad topped with Salsa Ranch dressing.

A big Eggbeater omelet filled with fresh asparagus and light cream cheese with a Morningstar Farms veggie sausage patty and a big bowl of mixed green salad with Ranch dressing.

Rare flat iron steak sliced thin over a large bed of greens & baby spinach that had been tossed with a bit of light sharp cheddar and some low fat Blue Cheese dressing.

All very yummy. I usually make the same foods for my children but I also give them some carbs, like mashed potatoes, baked sweet potato fries, whole wheat bread, or brown rice.

Last night I made spaghetti. I use Barilla Plus pasta because they like the taste (not like whole wheat pasta which they do not like) and it is rich in fiber, omega-3s and protein (it is whole grain and has chickpea flour in it but tastes pretty close to "normal" pasta) and they loved their spaghetti with a low sugar garlic basil sauce with browned lean ground turkey added. I had mine over spaghetti squash. I love the stuff:

That's a snapshot of what I have been eating. Looking forward to tomorrow's weigh-in! Have a great weekend.