Habit-A-Week Challenge: Keep A Record

This week's Healthy Habit is one that many people love and embrace, but just as many people hate and reject. The habit is to keep a food journal: an accurate record of every bite that goes into your mouth.

Click here to read the details of this week's challenge, and then come back to read the rest of this post.

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This week I challenge you to measure and journal EVERY SINGLE THING that passes your lips. My favorite (free) calorie counting website is Sparkpeople. It has a vast database of foods so all you have to do is enter the amount and it calculates the calories for you. It also has a Recipe Calculator that is invaluable if you are a home cook like I am.

Maybe you've done this before. Maybe you're already doing it. Whether this is new to you or not, try committing to a full week of measuring and counting and see if you learn something about yourself. If you're on a plateau of having difficulty losing weight, this could help you find the answers. You really have nothing to lose by trying!

If you're an old pro, how about doing a week of 100% accurate food posting on your blog? The transparency is wonderful, makes you pay more attention, and if you ask for feedback and suggestions you might get some great new insights!

I am currently on a break from calorie counting, because Medifast is already pre-counted and measured. But I will use this week to be more accurate in counting the things I *do* measure such as my dinner proteins, vegetables, fats, and condiments. I am sure there is something to be learned from being more attentive to my eating. How about you?

Powdered Eggs, A Bowl of Gravy with Chunks, and Other Interesting Phenomena (Medifast Food Reviews)

Breakfast!!

That's what I saw when I poured my new Medifast Scrambled Eggs into a bowl on the morning after I got my new shipment of food. Look yummy? Just add water! Yeah, I had my doubts too. Especially *after* I added the water. I got egg powder water. But you know me... I've done my research and knew *just* how to cook these eggs so they were palatable. First, I let them soak. This works for most Medifast foods: just add the water, put a lid on it, stick it in the fridge for awhile. I waited about 20 minutes and when I came back and stirred, it was the same consistency as Egg Beaters. I knew I was on the right track then. I also knew that they are best cooked on the stove in a nonstick pan. Pour them into the hot pan (medium heat) and WAIT. Do not start scrambling right away, as much as you may be tempted. Wait til they begin to set just a bit on the bottom and then slowly start to scramble. Don't stir TOO much, just enough to get it all cooked. I added a few torn fresh spinach leaves, some Mrs. Dash, and a couple tablespoons of lite grated cheddar:

Scrambled eggs! They were the same taste and texture as Egg Beaters. "So why not just use Egg Beaters?" you ask. Well, this is a Medifast meal. If you use Egg Beaters on this plan (and I do sometimes), you have to subtract them from your Lean & Green meal protein allowance, which works fine. BUT, it is nice to be able to have eggs AND a full dinner on a hungry day. Also, Medifast Eggs have a few things not found in Egg Beaters: 2g fat, 5g fiber, 10g carbs, plus various vitamins and minerals. That's why it is interchangeable with other Medifast meals.

Another food I ordered was Blueberry Oatmeal. Yeah, I am a glutton for punishment. I already said I don't like the oatmeals, but I thought the blueberry might make a decent muffin (from the recipe I shared earlier). And it did:

It needed a few more blueberries, but the flavor of this muffin was much better than the Apple Cinnamon or Maple flavors. It still has a bitter aftertaste to me. I would make this again but add a little sugar free vanilla syrup to it.

Next up is something I was pretty sure I would like: Medifast Chicken & Wild Rice Soup. The ingredients include freeze-dried chicken, white and wild rice, carrots, peas, shiitake mushrooms, and the usual slew of vitamins, minerals, soy protein and fiber. I knew to let it soak or I'd be eating hard rice pellets. I added boiling water, covered it, and left it in the fridge overnight. By lunchtime it was ready to rewarm. When I took it out of the microwave I knew we had a winner! It smelled SO good! It was a bit bland so I added some chicken bouillon. But boy was this a good meal! I really liked it. The picture doesn't do justice to how much stuff was in it, just below the surface of the broth. It was good and very filling AND it kept me full for hours. Two thumbs up!

Frosty, anyone?

I had eaten the Medifast Chocolate Pudding before (and reviewed it), but if you make it with a half cup of cold water and a cup of small ice cubes in the blender, you get a nice cold treat! Very good.

The next day was not quite so successful in the flavor department. I was hesitant to order the Medifast Beef Vegetable Stew, because of the "dog food" references I'd read on the message boards and because I am just not a fan of canned stew in general. Homemade stew? Good. Canned? Not so much. But I was willing to give it a chance. After all, it claimed to have potatoes, carrots, green beans, cabbage, tomato, celery, onion, parsley, and beef. How bad could it be?

I decided to simmer it on the stove as some people had reported better results with this method of preparation. I added the water and put it on the stove on low (covered) for a half hour, until all the vegetables were soft. I took off the lid. I smelled it... oh no. I took a small taste. Dear Lord. I came *this close* to tossing it in the trash. But I was determined. I added some black pepper and beef bouillon and sat down to try it. After one bite, I was thinking, "There is no freaking way. This is getting tossed." After the second bite I thought I would be able to finish it JUST THIS ONCE. After a couple more bites it actually became tolerable.

See, it was like a bowl of thick, slimy-ish gravy with a few bits floating in it. Totally gravyish. And the taste was a lot like that icky Dinty Moore stew you buy in the grocery store. In fact, if you like canned stew, I bet you would like this just fine with a few chopped cooked veggies added for substance. IF... and that is a very big IF... I ever decided to try this again, I would make it with less water and serve it as gravy over a cup of mashed cauliflower "potatoes." That might be okay.

::shudder::

On to better things: Medifast Cinnamon Pretzel Sticks. I loved these! They were super crunchy and (call me crazy, but) to me they tasted like the middle of a Cinnabon. (If you are not familiar with Cinnabons, take my advice and stay that way. Monstrous amounts of calories and fat but oh-so-tasty!) I enjoyed these sticks very much and will be eating them regularly.

Something interesting about the Honey Mustard pretzels, though. When I got them last month, I LOVED them. I got more this month and still LOVE them but they are different! I have heard other people say that some of the products are not terribly consistent, so I was not shocked, but there is a definite difference from last month. The last batch was sort of dry and powdery and there was a lot of dry powder in the bottom of the bag that I liked to eat. This batch, the powder is almost all stuck on the pretzels and they look "wetter" although they are not wet at all:

Just thought it was interesting; I still love them and will keep eating them.

Last but not least is the Medifast Chocolate Crunch Bar. I already had and liked the Chocolate Mint Crunch Bar so assumed this would be similar. It was.

It's almost identical to the Chocolate Mint Bar except there is no mint flavor. Maybe it is not quite as sweet. I liked its simple mild chocolate flavor (not intense) but it was probably the most boring bar yet for me. It is GOOD, and I'll gladly eat them, but I won't order them again just because the Mint one is yummier and so it the Peanut Butter Bar.

That's all my reviews for now. If you want to read my previous Medifast Food Reviews, they are here:

Chai Latte, Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal, Chili, Garden Vegetable Crackers, Chocolate Mint Crunch Bar, Chocolate Pudding

Cappuccino, Honey Mustard Pretzel Sticks, Peanut Butter Crunch Bar, Chicken Noodle Soup, Ranch Soy Crisps, Brownie

Oatmeal Raisin Crunch Bar, Cream of Chicken Soup, Dark Chocolate Antioxidant Shake, Hot Cocoa

Strawberry 55 Shake

Dutch Chocolate 55 Shake, Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal, Lemon Meringue Crunch Bar, Banana Pudding

Orange 55 Shake

Chili Nacho Cheese Puffs, Smores Crunch Bar

Vanilla Pudding, Fruit & Nut Crunch Bar

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

A Couple of Things

Just a few things...

*I have pinkeye.

*I am packing to leave on a three-day spring break mini-vacation. We'll be doing some fun stuff a few hours away. I need it. My older kids are going on a visit with their father, so just my daughter and I will be having a couple of girls days & nights out together.

*I plan to bring my Medifast stuff with me, stay on schedule as closely as I can. I'll take portable stuff like bars, pretzels, and puffs, but also will bring a few other things since I will have a microwave and boiling water available. I plan to order something as close to a Lean & Green meal as possible when we stop for dinners.

*Medifast has a 4&2 plan as well for days when you are very active (more than 45 minutes of vigorous activity per day) so depending on how much activity I have going on, I may eat a breakfast meal as well. I tried to ask my Medifast nutritionist about this last week, but she never answered. (I was assigned a nutritionist, but every time I have emailed her I have gotten zero response until I contacted Medifast asking about why I am getting no response. I usually wait 4 or 5 days or even a week but have never gotten an answer at all via email unless I pursue it further. NOT impressed!)

*I tried several new Medifast foods and took photos and have reviews coming, probably today because I don't want to wait til I get back from vacation. Most of it was very good!

*I am taking my laptop with me, and barring any problems with Internet access, I'll be blogging at night after the little one is asleep.

*I am way, way, super way behind on answering my emails. So sorry! I haven't forgotten about you... just have been busy. And my eyeballs hurt.

I will probably post some reviews later today. That's all for now!

Sunday Weigh-In

Another good week for me: down 3 more pounds to 220. I lost 2 pounds last week and 3 the week before that, so this seems to be a good, gentle, happy rate of loss for my body. My body feels good about this. Want to know how I can tell?

I have not had a headache (except for the mild PMS one) in 3 weeks.
I have not taken anything for joint pain in over 3 weeks.
I have not had heartburn, indigestion, or acid reflux all month.
My skin is clearer; no breakouts.

This is significant to me because:

I have had a headache almost every single day for as long as I can remember. My mother used to languish in bed all day long, curtains drawn, ice bag on her head and cool washcloth over her eyes because of severe headaches. She'd only come out to go in the bathroom and vomit. She saw every kind of doctor under the sun and they never found a cause for her headaches and migraines, nor a cure. I never had headaches until I was an obese adult (not sure if diet or weight has anything to do with it, but my mother was also morbidly obese AND ate a lot of junk) but when I started getting them, BOY did I get them. Migraines that made me see auras and rings of color around things... the kind of headache that any noise or light feels like a saber through your head and you want to vomit from the pain. I have gotten regular migraines for years, and regular "normal" type headaches for ages. I got so used to waking up with a headache that it became my normal. My doctor asked me once how I was feeling in general. I said fine. He asked if I ever got headaches, and I said yes. He asked how often, and I said, "oh a couple times a week. Maybe 5 or 6 times a week." And he was appalled. "That is NOT normal!" he said. And I went through various tests that found nothing. And I went on with my headaches, taking Tylenol or Excedrin pretty much every day. Sugar or caffeine withdrawal made them worse. But like I said, the headaches are pretty much gone. I have NO idea why. There is still *some* sugar and *some* caffeine in my diet. I have to think that with my huge dietary change, I must have cut out whatever food or additive that was causing them. When I start adding foods back in, I will have to be extra careful to find the headache trigger and eliminate it forever.

My knees are SHOT. The orthopedic surgeon was 100% sure in 2007 that I would need total knee replacements *soon.* I was hardly able to walk back then. I was on prescription pain medications for my joint pain. I have severe degenerative arthritis, bone spurs in my knees, and a torn meniscus. Put 278+ pounds on top of that and you get PAIN and near immobility. I also get pain in my hands, feet, and hips at times. Over the last 2 years I was able to stop taking the prescription pain meds and switch to things like Aleve and Advil, but I was still taking them almost daily, along with my supplements (glucosamine, chondroitin, MSM, and Turmeric Force). I am still taking the supplements, but I have not had to take ANY pain medication for my joints in over 3 weeks. I am thrilled! Oh, my knees still hurt sometimes, but not severely enough for medication. I think if I were to walk 2 miles or more I'd need to take something, but it is exciting to me that my pain is less now. I think this is because 1) I am not eating much sugar at all, and sugar has always made my pain worse, and 2) I have taken a decent chunk of weight off my knees this month and also backed off the exercise, which may be giving them a chance to heal. If there are other factors at work, I haven't figured it out yet. Maybe more protein is helping.

Two or three pounds a week is good, I think. It's not a huge, superfast weight loss that might be harder on my body or leave me with more loose skin. It's fairly consistent so far and easier to deal with mentally. I had a funny feeling this week, though, when for a few days it seemed like my belly was deflating. My fat has gotten squishy again rather than firm, and I actually felt like I was melting. It is a weird sensation, like the front of my abdomen and the fat on my hips is going away and those areas are getting softer and,well, they feel like they are melting. My jeans are much, much looser although I have not been able to fit into a smaller size yet.

I have to mention what I had for dinner last night because it was so good! I made the Fettuccine Alfredo from zucchini noodles and I tossed it with grilled chicken breast strips, fresh steamed asparagus, and mushrooms. It was heavenly! I will add sliced black olives, too, next time.

I'm looking forward to another great week. How about you?

I Want To Be Fat

I had a little exercise I was doing with myself last month. I typed it in a file on my computer and thought I'd blog about it sometime. I have a lot of files like that...

Anyway, my thought process in the file was to finish the sentence:

"I want to be fat because..."
or
"I like being fat because..."

Can you do it? Can you finish the sentences? Because often we have conscious or subconscious reasons for NOT losing weight. Maybe it's fear. Yeah, actually, it's almost always fear. Fear of the unknown (thinness, a different "life" once the weight is gone), fear of attention from men, fear of becoming a different person. Some of the thoughts I had were:

I want to be fat because then no one expects much of me.
I want to be fat because men don't bother me and I don't have to worry about controlling myself or getting hurt by the wrong guy.
I like being fat because then I have an excuse to sit and do nothing, since it hurts to move and takes too much effort.
I want to be fat because no one can pick me up and kidnap me or hold me against my will.
I like being fat because I don't have to worry about fashion. I just wear stretch pants and t-shirts.
I want to be fat because I like eating whatever I want.
I want to be fat because it makes it easy to withdraw into myself.
I like being fat because I don't have to set any goals for myself.
I want to be fat because I don't really know how to be anything else and I am scared to find out.

Well, it's been awhile since I had those thoughts. I remember feeling a mild sense of uneasiness or even anxiety when I thought about getting under 200 pounds and starting to be a more "average" weight. I don't mean skinny, I mean just getting to the point where I don't stand out in every crowd as a fat chick. I even wondered if maybe I really didn't *want* to lose much more weight, but I had to keep trying because my health was suffering. My joints were almost destroyed to the point of needing a cane to walk, and then soon after I would need total knee replacements (said the orthopedic surgeon). So I kept trying to lose weight even though part of me was hesitant and afraid.

But you know what? When I sat down just now to write this and tried to reach deep down for my answers to "I want to be fat because...", well, I just couldn't find any. I don't have any reasons I want to be fat anymore. I don't know WHAT has changed in me so much over the last month, but I finally *do* feel ready to drop the weight. I am not afraid. I am ready!

What I've Been Eating, and the Results

Yesterday I got my *new* shipment of Medifast food! It was so exciting, it was almost like Christmas. Silly, I know. But when you are at the end of a month and don't have a whole lot of variety left, it's exciting to get new stuff. Yes, I decided to continue Medifast for another month. It is working for me, I am still enjoying it, and have had no negative side effects. I'll reassess again at the end of April to decide whether to continue another month, again. Anyway, I am on my fourth week on Medifast and had already eaten ALL of my favorites; my options each day were growing slimmer and I was drinking more shakes (which I am not fond of). This time, I got to order things I *know* I like (plus a few new things to try and review). Orders are always customizable for anyone, but I didn't really know what would be tasty or not-so-tasty when I first started. Now I am pretty set. (And Medifast is still providing me with their foods for free).

Most days I start out with a cup of tea. Usually, it's green tea or matcha and I often add a splash of half & half. No sweetener. I am working on reducing the half & half but for now I enjoy about 1/2 T in my tea. Then, I eat a Medifast meal every 2-3 hours until dinnertime. I make dinner from a chart that tells me how much of various lean proteins and veggies I can have. It's pretty simple. Here are a few things on the chart (not *everything* listed, just to give you an idea):

Lean: choose 5 ounces (cooked weight)
Salmon, tuna, lean steak or roast, lamb, pork tenderloin, ground turkey or beef (84-94% lean). dark meat chicken or turkey, 15oz tofu, 3 eggs, 4 oz moderate-fat cheese, 2 Boca or Morningstar Farms burgers (various types are listed)

Leaner: choose 6 ounces plus 1 healthy fat serving:
trout, halibut, chicken breast, ground turkey or beef (95-97% lean), light meat turkey or chicken, 6 oz low fat cheese, 1 1/2c 2% cottage cheese, and various types of Morningstar Farms veggie burgers, sausage links, etc.

Leanest: choose 7 ounces plus 2 healthy fat servings
cod, flounder, tilapia, crab, lobster, shrimp, buffalo, ground turkey or beef (98% lean or better), 2 cups EggBeaters, 14 egg whites, and various types of Boca burgers.

For the veggie portion, I choose THREE servings of the following:
1 cup of various types of greens, lettuce, raw spinach.
1/2 cup of mushrooms, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage, cauliflower, zucchini, broccoli, cooked greens, peppers, green beans, tomatoes, spaghetti squash, turnips, radishes.

That allows for a lot of variety. Then after dinner, before bedtime, I get to have one more Medifast meal... usually something simple like a bar or a cup of Hot Cocoa.

I don't get bored, and it is far from overwhelming. A usual day might be:
7AM: green tea
9AM: Hazelnut Mocha (hot cocoa + instant hazelnut coffee)
11AM: oatmeal muffin
1PM: taco salad (made from Medifast chili + seasonings + canned tomatoes + 2T shredded lite cheese over 1c lettuce w/Ranch, see photo below) OR chicken noodle soup OR chili OR cream of chicken soup with veggies added


3PM: Parmesan Cheese puffs OR Honey Mustard Pretzels OR a shake
6PM: dinner! I've posted many, many pictures of my dinners this month. Last night I had pot roast with mashed cauliflower and steamed broccoli (the family had the same pot roast and broccoli but with real mashed potatoes, gravy, and whole wheat bread & butter). The other day I made this dish for dinner:


Not the prettiest thing you ever saw, I am sure, but SO good. I had some lean, grass fed buffalo meat to use, and I was really wanting something like that gloppy-looking dip people make for Superbowl Sunday, with the ground beef, cheese, and salsa in it. So I cooked up the buffalo with seasonings, added diced canned Rotel tomatoes and 1T lite cream cheese along with some light shredded cheddar. I mixed it until the cheeses melted and it was so good and comforting!

Yesterday as soon as I got my new shipment, I got out the Medifast Vanilla Pudding to make a shake. I don't really like the Medifast Shakes, but the puddings make such a nice, rich, creamy shake if you put them in the blender with 1c water and some ice:


Ahhh. A good vanilla shake. But wait! I decided to add some matcha powder (about 3/4 tsp) and I got this: a BETTER shake!


If you have ever had Haagen Dazs green tea ice cream, that's the flavor of matcha. Matcha is a special kind of powdered green tea. I drink it in the morning and I *love* it in this shake. Such a treat, and it is exceptionally healthy. I am actively trying to avoid ovarian cancer (which killed my mother at 57), so I have been drinking green tea every day for years. (You can Google "green tea and ovarian cancer" to read about the studies that indicate that drinking one cup of green tea daily may reduce the risk of ovarian cancer by 54%.) Matcha has even more potency than regular green tea, because you are actually drinking the powdered leaves, not just an infusion. I will take all the help I can get! I get my favorite matcha, the fresh and delicious Do Matcha, on Amazon, but you can probably find it at your local health food store. It might seem expensive but you get a lot of cups of tea from a small tin (2-3 oz tins are usually a better price than 1-ounce tins).

Another new snack I tried yesterday: Fruit & Nut Crunch Bars. Same size and nutrition as the other Crunch bars, but this one is different: no chocolatey bottom coating! Just a plain bar:


I *really* liked this bar! Not as sweet as the others. It has actual peanuts, almonds, raisins, and cranberries in it, which is very nice because those foods are not allowed on Medifast as a general rule. There's only a few in each bar, so I guess not having the chocolatey coating makes up for it because these do not have more grams of sugar or carbs than the other bars. I think these are my new favorite bars!

Well, that's about it for now. I like the stuff I am eating. Ever since the PMS went away, I have not been hungry. I have not been exercising much (just a few walks in the park a couple times a week with my little girl, who is learning to ride a bike!) Oh... results. I almost forgot. So far this week I am down another 3 pounds to 220. I am thrilled! I have not weighed 220 since August 2008. It's been a long time coming.

Enjoy your weekend, and don't forget to check out the new memorial blogroll (see previous post). Find some blogs on there that don't have much support, and BE that support! It will come back to you many times over.

A Special Blogroll

When we lost our fellow blogger and friend Bethany earlier this week, it was a real shock to many of us. She was young. She was vibrant. And now, just like that, she is gone. I went to her blog a few times this week and I was struck by how many lovely comments people left for the family. And many bloggers have said they wished they'd known her or found her blog before she passed away.

There are so many weight loss blogs out there. Many of them get few comments. I get quite a few emails every month from bloggers asking me: How can I find support? How do I get people to read my blog? How can I become a part of the blogging community? I tell them to write regularly and read other blogs and leave comments. Often, people will come and read your blog if you comment on theirs. But it IS hard when you are just starting out (or even if you've been blogging awhile) to find support and community in the blog world. Support is essential, and we all deserve a part in this community of bloggers.

In memory of Bethany and with the consent of her family, I created a new blogroll site in her honor. This blogroll is for everyone; if you have a personal weight loss (or related) blog, I will be glad to add you to the blogroll. This way, everyone who *wants* community, will have community.

The blogroll is designed to make it easy for anyone to find new blogs they haven't ever seen and new posts they haven't read; the titles of blogs you have not visited will be linked in dark pink, while visited sites will be in blue. Newly updated blogs will be at the top, but you can click a link at the bottom to show ALL blogs and go visit ones that have not updated in awhile (maybe they could use some encouragement). I hope you will use this blogroll in this spirit in which it was intended: to build a supportive blogging community by reading AND leaving comments on blogs, especially those with fewer readers. Everyone can use a hand. Maybe you'll make some new, dear friends through this community. Maybe someone will reach out to you and help you change your life.

Bethany left kindness wherever she went. There are so many sweet, supportive words from her on my blog. Let's let her spirit live on in the words of support we leave for others.

Here is the new website. If you would like your blog to be added to the blogroll, leave me a comment here and I will add it. Only personal weight loss (or related) blogs, please. I posted a few blogs up there already, just to get started. Everyone is welcome! Let's build something beautiful.

The Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll

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A New Normal

For the last couple of days, I have not been hungry. At all. I got to dinnertime, rolled my eyes and heaved a heavy sigh because I knew I had to eat. I didn't care about food, or dinner, or any of that. I would've gladly gone without.

This is a feeling I have wished for, cried for, and coveted for decades. I'd hear thin people say "Oh, I forgot to eat" or "I'm just not hungry today" and I'd wonder how to get ahold of whatever magic elixir seemed to be coating their brain cells. Not hungry?? Forget to eat?? Absolutely foreign to me. I *never* forgot to eat and the only reason I ever had for not being hungry was because I was so stuffed I would vomit if I tried to take one more bite. I felt like I was *always* thinking about food, the next meal or snack, how to get it, how it would be to eat it, and how much could I possibly stuff into my body before I'd burst.

There were two times in my life... after I began having these binge/compulsive eating issues... that I actually felt sort of normal. Once was when my doctor put me on Phen Fen in 1996. I weighed all of 180 pounds so *of course* it was worth the risks of medication to lose the weight. *Of course* I was willing to stop nursing my baby so I could go on these weight-loss drugs and "get my body back." I lost all of six pounds before my husband begged me to stop taking them when I was so unwell from them that I literally laid down at the top of the stairs one day after crawling up them because I was too exhausted to stand up. I remember lying there wondering what was wrong with me. Yes, the drugs affected me badly. I stopped taking them, and then they were taken off the market for potentially fatal pulmonary hypertension and heart valve problems. I am lucky I didn't die taking that stuff. It was *insane* to take it at all. But you know what? When I was taking it, I felt normal about food. I was not obsessed. I didn't think about eating all the time. I felt like my brain was "cured."

Then again, later, in the year 2003, I found something that helped me feel close to normal. It was not quite as dramatic; I still has some food cravings and obsessive days, but being on the South Beach Diet was very close to feeling *fixed.* Like I was a recovering addict... not an addict in the full throes of food insanity. I remember starting out South Beach at 270 pounds; I was desperate to lose weight. Morbid obesity was affecting my life. It's no easy task being a single mom to four kids and being that heavy. So I did South Beach, I got down to 237 pounds in 4 months. I felt freed... until I started doing "legal cheats" like sugar-free Fudgesicles coated with sugar free dark chocolate and peanut butter. Which is fine, unless you are eating 12 of them in a sitting. I was not free.

In 3 1/2 months I went from 237 to 278. In fact I was 282 on my doctor's scale. And I was so unhappy. I had tried everything, and everything had failed. I had failed. It was hopeless. Food seemed to have some kind of grip on me that I couldn't shake free.

Then my little girl was born. What a wonderful blessing! But it wasn't until she was 2 years old that I started this blog, weighing 278 pounds and so out of shape I could barely walk.

When I started learning how to eat, and focusing on fruits and vegetables and nutritious stuff instead of sugar, I had no idea that this time would be *the time.* The time when I finally started to *get it* and stuck with the effort for more than 3 or 4 months. I have *never* lost this much weight, kept off ANY weight for this long, or felt truly changed the way I do now. I felt that way *before* I started Medifast. But it has been a great tool to help me continue even further on this journey and reach new levels of understanding about myself.

I feel *normal.* I am not, so far, obsessing about food. I feel once again like my brain is "fixed." I understand the science of what's going on because I have read Kessler's The End of Overeating which explains the effects of certain foods on the brain. But at the same time, I know this "fix" could be temporary. I know that if I decide to eat a cupcake or a candy bar, I might be right back where I started. It's scary. I wonder sometimes if I can do this (eat healthy and not eat junk) for the rest of my life. I wonder what will happen when I have a bite of cake or ice cream or cheesecake when I am thinner. Will it be something I can live with? Will it send me spiraling into weight-gain hell? I don't know. That's the scary part.

All I can do, for today, is do what works. Eat what I need to eat, one step at a time, and get the weight off. Hopefully I will come to understand what, exactly, I need to do to maintain the loss over time. I have faith that I'll figure it out.

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Alternatives to Eating

Ahhh, what a timely subject! This week's Habit of the Week is: find alternatives to eating. Of course, we *have* to eat, but I am talking about eating for reasons other than nourishment. Eating from boredom, anxiety, sadness, excitement, or just because you *feel like* entertaining yourself with food can lead to weight gain and/or a stall in your weight loss plan. I think many of us have some bad habits of eating for those reasons. It makes it hard to stick with a schedule if your mind is always wandering to "what yummy thing can I eat right now?" Sometimes we do it because we are avoiding something. I can't count the times I have eaten a bag of Cheetos to avoid doing the laundry. Silly, really. I mean, if I don't want to do the laundry right now, I do NOT have to eat Cheetos to give myself permission to put it off. I can just *decide* to do the laundry later (if it truly can wait). I can *decide* not to deal with some issue or activity for a half hour, an hour, or a day. I do not need to occupy myself with *food* in order to delay those things. Neither do you.

Here are the details of the challenge. Have a read, then come back here to finish reading this post.

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This week, perhaps you can try some of those methods. Can you wait out your cravings? Have you made a list of activities as alternatives to eating? If not, make that list! It can have fun things AND chores on it, like:

read a book
write a letter
answer emails
clean a toilet
walk the dog
strength train
take a bubble bath
paint your nails
pay bills
do a load of laundry
call a friend

And then, when you find yourself about to eat something you really shouldn't, just pull out the list and choose one thing and do it. If you can't decide, close your eyes and point. Just do *something* other than eating. By the time you are done, usually the urge will have passed.

Now, I am in a different mental and dietary position than I was in 2008 when I wrote that challenge originally. I am doing a diet that has very scheduled, regimented eating times every 2-3 hours. I pretty much don't want to eat between meals, but if I do, I drink a big glass of water and go do something else. So far I am not having those cravings anymore or *needing* to distract myself from eating. However, I think I have a little bit of new insight.

The thing you are trying to avoid doing, through eating or food obsession, is the *very thing* you actually need to do instead of eating.

Simple, yet profound.

See if you can figure it out for yourself. The next time you get hit with a crazy urge to eat a bunch of junk or, heck, even a bunch of good healthy food, I want you to go someplace quiet (if you can) and just sit. TRY to clear away the food thoughts. Concentrate on your breathing. Close your eyes, feel your breath. Think, "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" with every breath. Try to LET GO of the food thoughts. Then, try and feel what you are feeling. Here are some examples of what you may figure out as you do this. There are some things I was trying to avoid thinking about and feeling by EATING.

I am afraid of being alone.
I made mistakes in my past that I regret.
I miss my dead parents.
I wish I had done things differently.
How do I fix this? (This... being many things)
What will become of me?

I had fears for my health, my children's health, my finances, my marriage. I had regrets and sorrows I was stuffing down with food. And even simple things... yes, laundry, or mopping the floor... had become reasons to overeat (because I could not mop and eat hot dogs at the same time, and when I was done eating seven hot dogs I felt absolutely too sluggish and ill to try and mop a floor. I ate hot dogs so I wouldn't have to mop. It worked. And it made me feel like it was my "disorder's" fault rather than just me being a bad housekeeper.)

It is better to deal with the things we need to deal with. Whether it's dishes or toilets or something more distressing like a hospital visit, a death or a pending divorce, it is *better* all around to recognise the feelings, FEEL them, let them wash over and through you, cry if you need to, and then get up and do whatever needs to be done. It is better because instead of all those worries and fears and regrets festering in you like an infection, you can wash your wounds and care for them and then... they heal.

What will you do instead of eating this week?

Salmon with Low Carb Fettuccine Alfredo

The other night, I had a fabulous meal that was low carb, high nutrition, rich in Omega-3's, and delicious! I wanted to share it with you:

Baked wild, fresh Pacific salmon fillet (5oz), Romaine salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette, and Fettuccine Alfredo. Only... there was no pasta involved. And no icky Shiritaki noodles, either! Here's the secret recipe:

Take a nice, raw zucchini and use a carrot peeler to make flat, long strands of zucchini (that look like Fettuccine noodles). Just pretend you are peeling it but make narrower strips, and stop when you get to the seeds. Throw the seeds away or cook them separately (too watery for this dish). Then, put the zucchini strands into a saute pan with a bit of chicken broth and simmer for about 3-4 minutes, until tender but NOT mushy! The broth will mostly evaporate (don't use too much... just enough to cook them and leave a couple Tablespoons in the pan). Turn the heat down. Add 1-2 wedges of Laughing Cow Light cheese (the triangles... the 35 calorie ones). I cut mine into pieces before adding it to speed up the melting. Then sprinkle with garlic powder, black pepper, and a bit of sea salt. Stir and toss GENTLY until the cheese melts and makes a creamy sauce. Add a bit more broth if you need to.

That's it! You're done! Now, you *can* peel your zucchini first for a more pasta-looking dish (not as green) but I like the flavor and nutrition of the skin so I leave it on. This tastes great and goes so well with salmon or chicken! VERY low cal and almost no carbs!

Try it. Come on. You know you want it!

Medifast Coupon Code

Second post today. A couple of readers have commented and/or emailed me that they are either already doing Medifast or are planning to try it. If that's you, maybe this will help. Medifast gave me a coupon code to share with my readers for $50 off any order of $275 or more. To use it, place your order on the Medifast site and enter Lyn50 during checkout. It's a one-time use code and expires on 5/31/10.

FYI: I don't get anything out of anyone ordering or doing Medifast. I am just getting my Medifast food for free, regardless, but wanted to pass this code on to anyone who can use it.

Void, Refilled

Yesterday, I wrote a little about how I seem to have a lot more "free time" in my brain now that I am not obsessing about food and eating and bingeing/not bingeing. Eating low carb/low sugar has seemingly given me an ability to not only withstand cravings more easily, but to not *have* cravings much at all. I'd experienced this before when I was on the South Beach Diet, but I sabotaged myself by trying to find every little way to twist the diet into something it wasn't meant to be while still technically being "on plan." Like when I'd take a sugar free fudgesicle and smear it with peanut butter and dark chocolate and eat it like a Dove bar. It fed my cravings. It made me nuts. It wasn't *quite* strict enough if I let myself have the stuff other people on South Beach were having. And it turned into eating Blizzards and *real* Dove bars and regaining all 40 pounds I had lost. But now, it seems I have such little leeway for eating crap that I am not having that issue. I read the Medifast message boards; I see people making frosting out of shake powder and cakes out of hot cocoa for their "fix". I see recipes for making "fudge" out of shake mix and the allowed tablespoon of cream cheese and some oil (a healthy fat) and all the possibly allowed condiments. "It's just like eating candy!" they say. Yeah, I know it is. And while it IS, technically, "on plan," I am just not going down that road again. I can have a Medifast brownie or shake and not feed my addiction. They do not taste like REAL brownies and shakes, they are not fantastically delicious, and that is the whole point, to me. They are just food. Pleasant, but not addicting. When I start frosting my brownies and making fudge, you know I have both feet on the slippery slope and am trying to recreate my old life, and it won't be long before I am eating the real thing again.

Anyway, because I feel so detached from food right now, it seems I have all this free time in my head... and in fact, in my real life. The hour I spent debating and convincing myself to eat or not eat Easter candy is now a vacant hour. I can mop, I can do things with my kids. I can think. But apparently I was spending *hours* per day on my food issues because there is now *so much* spare mental time that it is kind of uncomfortable. When I was off-plan, I was always shopping, baking, looking up recipes, buying junk, eating, eating, and eating. And regretting, and bemoaning, and wishing. When I was on-plan, I was always thinking, planning, prepping what to eat for every meal and snack, fighting urges, wondering when I'd break down and binge, calming the inner brat who wanted a bunch of junk, trying to figure out what I could do each day to speed up the weight loss. It took up a LOT of time. The first week on Medifast, I filled a lot of that time with excitement about the new plan, doing food reviews, taking pictures of my food, and reading message boards. The second week, it started to become old hat. And this week, I found myself often feeling like there was a huge empty space in my head... a gaping void that used to be allocated for Food Thoughts. And now I have to think about food *so little* that it was just this vast, empty space. And I wondered what to think about and do. I honestly had NO clue how much mental energy my food thoughts were taking up.

Uncomfortable thoughts started to trickle into that space. Thoughts about things I'd been trying to forget or avoid. And last night, the floodgates opened and emotions gushed out and flooded the entire area in my brain once devoted to food. I felt, I cried, I actually *thought about* painful things for more than one second before turning to brownie batter to make them go away. I sat in bed and *felt the feelings* and thought things through and then I GOT OUT OF BED and dealt with some things that probably should have been dealt with years ago. I was up late. But I feel like an *enormous* burden has begun to be lifted.

I don't know if I would ever have found the "time", strength, and clarity to mentally deal with these issues or even acknowledge them had I continued obsessing over food.

I think this is the very beginning of understanding the true why's of my past food behaviors. I am in awe. I never thought I'd get to this point. It's a true breakthrough for me.

What's buried under *your* drive to eat? What are you afraid of feeling?

Week 3 Weigh-In, and Distraction By Obsession

This week was week 3 on Medifast for me. This morning, I weighed in at 223 pounds. That's a loss of two pounds this week! At first glance one might think two pounds isn't much, until you realise that this week is my PMS week. Before I started Medifast, I had a pattern: during the first and third weeks of my female cycle, I'd lose weight. During the second and fourth week, I didn't. I have kept track for over two years and it is a rare thing for me to lose weight during PMS week... and unheard of to lose weight every week in a month. I lost 6 pounds the first week, 3 the second week, and 2 this week. I am happy with that! If I lose next week as I think I will, I should have a nice number for myself at the end of the month.

A couple days ago I posted that I didn't have any PMS symptoms except hunger. Well, yesterday that changed. I now feel kind of bloated, tired, and low energy. Not *bad*, but noticeable. I still don't have major cramps, nausea and headaches I used to have.

This past week I stuck to Medifast 100% as I have all month. Five Medifast meals, one "Lean & Green" protein-and-veggie-rich dinner, and an optional snack. No "cheats," no binges, no irresistible cravings. I have a food sanity about me that I have longed for. I keep wondering how long it will last. Eating low carb seems to have a definite effect on my inner tantrum girl (I think she went on vacation this week). I like feeling sane. I don't like not having the raging binge monster and loads of food thoughts to occupy me 24/7. Yeah, that sounds strange. I have so much more mental "free time" now that I find myself thinking about those things I was apparently trying to *avoid* thinking about before by distracting myself with food. All those hours fighting off cravings... battling myself... and actually bingeing... all those hours are now free. In fact I have found myself sitting here thinking, "now what?" I always thought I didn't have enough time in a day to do the things I need to do. In fact, I do. I was avoiding them with the whole Food Obsession issue. I was, on some subconscious level, distracting myself from my reality and responsibilities with food obsession and binge eating. Not purposely, mind you. But still, it was happening.

Such distraction by obsession is not new to me. When I was having babies, I was pretty much obsessed with having babies. I thought about babies, charted my fertility cycle, read baby name books, imagined my next baby, planned, tried, mourned. When I was getting a new puppy, I immersed myself in dog breed message boards, read books, watched shows about dogs, made dog name lists, and occupied my mind with dogs and puppies 24/7 for many weeks. I never thought of myself as an obsessive person; I feel like I am pretty balanced and reasonable. I've maintained a home, raised five kids and helped raise several more, and have a bachelor's degree in a difficult field. I have a balanced life... except, look at the binge eating. It is a mental food obsession that was always lurking in the background of my life, just like baby making did for awhile. Like religion did for a long, long time. And now that the obsession is removed (why? because sugar is removed? carbs are removed?) I find myself observing myself and learning how to balance the reality of my life in a better way. It's slightly uncomfortable, but it feels like I am doing some much-needed growing up.

Finally, I'd like to leave you with a link to a wonderful, thought-provoking post by Chris at her blog, A Deliberate Life. I hope it makes you think.

Because this is serious...

Rest in Peace, Bethany, our friend and fellow blogger

It is with a very sad heart that I found out this morning that a long-time blogging buddy Bethany passed away last night of a sudden heart attack. She was in her early 30's and leaves her two young sons and husband behind. I am deeply saddened for the family. Bethany has supported me on this journey for a long time and I enjoyed her blog, The Great Reduction. Deep condolences to her sister who let me know about her passing and to the rest of the family.

Bethany, you will be missed. Prayers for peace especially for your beautiful boys and your husband who was your best friend. Let's all take a moment in prayer for the family today and also to remember how precious life is.

Chicken Salad in Butter Lettuce Cups

Have you ever tried Butter Lettuce? It is soooo good. It's also called Boston Bibb lettuce; it is soft and vibrant green with a slightly sweet, buttery flavor. I love it because it is beautiful and oh-so-tender! Butter Lettuce is low in calories and rich in nutrition; one 3 oz serving has 15 calories, 1g fiber, 1g protein and is rich in calcium, magnesium, potassium, sodium, vitamins A, B, C and K. The leaves are big, which makes them perfect to use as a wrap for various fillings. Like chicken salad!

Isn't it gorgeous??

Take your lettuce, tear off a few leaves and wash & dry them. Then prepare your filling:

Lyn's Chicken Salad
5 oz cooked, cooled chicken breast, diced small
1/4 c. celery, diced small
1/4 c. orange pepper, diced finely (you can use your favorite fresh pepper in here... yellow or red would be great!)
1 T. light mayonnaise
2 T. shredded low fat cheese (optional)
1 tsp. Dijon mustard (I used Grey Poupon coarse ground)
onion powder, black pepper, Mrs. Dash to taste (add some sea salt if you need it)

Mix everything. I chilled this for an hour. Place the filling in the Butter Lettuce leaves, roll up, and eat!


Delicious, low carb, low fat, high protein. This was a very filling (and beautiful) meal. You have to admit it is pretty!

I am feeling great! Looking forward to a fun weekend. I have an even *yummier* recipe to post (think Fettuccine Alfredo, healthy low carb style) so check in tomorrow!

**p.s. Someone asked me to please post my recipe for mashed cauliflower "potatoes" and how I got them so creamy. Simple! I cut fresh cauliflower in chunks, put it in a glass dish with an inch of water (or use chicken broth), microwave until tender. Drain most of the water off. Mash with a potato masher or a fork or something (it will still be somewhat chunky). Add salt, pepper, garlic powder. Add a tablespoon or 2 of half and half. Don't get it too wet or you'll have soup. Then (key) I used my immersion blender (handheld wand thingy) and carefully blended the cauliflower until creamy. I did this in spurts, pressing the wand over one spot and turning it on for a couple seconds, then moving it to another area and doing the same, over and over until it was like potatoes. That's it!

A Different Kind of Hunger

Yesterday I got hungry. I haven't been hungry much over the last two weeks; just a couple of days where I felt like my stomach was a bottomless pit and no matter what I ate or how much water I drank, I felt *empty.* It happened a week and a half ago when I was in the middle of my monthly cycle, and it happened again yesterday because, according to the calendar, it is PMS time for the next couple of days. I have always been hungrier at those two times of the month so this was no big surprise. The surprise is that, so far, I have not had any *other* symptoms of PMS: no headaches, cramps, irritability, nausea. None of that. Just the hunger. In fact, I have not had *any* headaches whatsoever in two weeks. I cannot remember the last time I went that long without a headache. I will have to write another post on that later, but for now, I am just enjoying being headache-free.

I am not sure *why* I don't have the extreme PMS and headaches that have plagued me for years. I have to assume that something in my diet before was triggering those things. I know that sugar always made my PMS (and painful joints) worse. Was sugar the culprit all along, for all that pain I was in? Perhaps there is more to it; I cut a lot of foods almost completely out of my diet this month so it's hard to say, but when I start adding things back in I will do it slowly and be extra careful to see what causes my pain. Dairy? Some artificial ingredient? High sodium? Processed meats or other foods? Who knows? But this is a great opportunity to find out.

Anyway, yesterday I had the hungriest day yet. I started out with a cup of green tea and an Oatmeal bar. Two hours later I had an oatmeal muffin. Usually those are very filling. By 11:45 I was hungry again so I ate again: a bag of Chili Cheese puffs. (Remember, each of these meals is HIGH in protein... 14 or 15 grams... and fiber, too. They usually do their job and keep me full for 2-3 hours). I drank lots of water. I decided to distract myself with a walk. I took my daughter to preschool and then headed to the park for an hour, walking in the sunshine. I stopped and enjoyed nature along the way and felt refreshed by the time I got home... and hungry again. So I made myself something *extra* filling: chili. And not only did I fix up the chili by adding some canned tomatoes, but I made the whole meal more substantial by putting the chili over a bowl of Romaine lettuce tossed with Ranch dressing and a bit of light shredded cheese. (I 'borrowed' a vegetable serving from dinner to do this, which is a great idea for hungry days).

After I ate that, I was feeling FULL. I was quite pleased with that until an hour went by and... I felt empty again! Now, let me explain that I was *not* feeling the old kind of hunger I used to feel when I was eating a lot of carbs. My hunger used to manifest as a *head* hunger: not only would my stomach be growling, but my whole brain would hurt. I'd feel like the surface of my brain was in pain and I got this crazy *drive* that I HAD to eat RIGHT NOW. If I let it go too long, I'd end up shoving everything and anything into my mouth just to make that crazed and painful feeling go away. I think that had to do with carb/sugar addiction, as outlined in Kessler's The End of Overeating (great read, BTW). Now, my hunger is not in my head and is not painful nor does it feel like I am *driven* to eat. It is just stomach grumbling combined with a sensation of nothing being in my stomach. And the desire to feel like my stomach isn't empty.

I was already ahead of my eating schedule because I had eaten my meals closer together than usual. All I had left to eat was my dinner and my after-dinner mini-meal/snack. I decided at 4PM to go ahead and have my after-dinner snack then. I mixed up a Hot Cocoa with decaf coffee and put it over ice as a nice, filling mocha (again with lots of protein and fiber). Ahhh. Finally I felt okay. And then I was pretty much okay for the next two hours.

Dinner was a delicious chicken salad with veggies added (recipe to come) and was very filling and satisfying. When 9PM rolled around I had a sugar free Jello cup and that was enough to last me the night. This morning I feel great! And the scale today said the same number it said yesterday: a nice, solid 223.

Just to show you I am not starving, here's a couple pictures of my dinners on the previous two nights.

Night 1 (Monday I think): broiled flat iron steak, mashed cauliflower "potatoes" (creamed with a bit of half and half), and steamed green beans. (This is a meal we have always loved except I did make real mashed potatoes for the kids and gave them sliced whole wheat bread & butter with their dinner). If you have not tried flat iron steak you must. It is my favorite steak!

The next night was even better! I always make extra steak so I can have it over a salad later. Dinner was leftover, sliced flat iron steak over a Romaine and spinach salad tossed with light Blue cheese dressing, a side of steamed asparagus, leftover mashed cauliflower "potatoes" topped with leftover green beans mixed with a wedge of Laughing Cow Light Swiss cheese. Yummy!

Every night after dinner, I think, "Wow, that was SO good. I am so full. I cannot possibly lose weight eating this." Yet I am. And *most* days, I am not hungry at all.

I'm happy and feeling good, and very much enjoying having less weight on my joints. I have a ways to go before my joint pain is gone (at least I *believe* it will be gone someday) but it's already much improved with 11 pounds gone so far this month.

Enjoy your day!

Eat Your Veggies: Radishes!

I hate radishes. I have hated them from the time I was little and first bit into the little red ball that was in my salad. Yuck! Bitter and TOO HOT. I have never liked the spiciness and bite of a radish. So why am I posting about radishes?

Have you ever *cooked* a radish?? I have... and WOW, are they delicious! Somehow, when cooked they lose their characteristic hot taste and become (get this): sweet! Yes, they taste mild and sweet and very much like potatoes when cooked like home fries or hash browns. (I didn't believe it either. Check it out). I saw this idea on various low carb message boards. Radishes are low carb and low cal; one cup of sliced radishes contains 19 calories, 1 g protein, 2g fiber, no fat, and 4g carbs. They are rich in vitamin C, folate, and potassium as well.

I started with a cheap bag of radishes from Walmart because I was *sure* I was not going to like this. I washed them and trimmed the ends.

Then I used my new Salad Shooter (which I LOVE!! It slices and grates so fast!) to cut the radishes into very thin slices. You could shred them if you prefer. I put them in a nonstick pan with a bit of olive oil over medium-high heat. I sprinkled them with onion powder and black pepper, and put a lid on the pan.

I cooked them until they were translucent, tender, and browning a bit. I took the lid off at the end to let the steam out. I also turned them to brown both sides. It was actually more of a "toss" than a flip. They don't stick together. And this was my dinner last night:

Egg beaters scrambled with spinach and Mrs. Dash, topped with light Swiss cheese and served with a delicious side of radish home fries! Sooo good, you won't believe it! Try something new this week, whether you think you like radishes or not!

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Get Enough Sleep

Last week I skipped doing the Habit-A-Week Challenge (I forgot actually) but it is back today! There's a great new habit we can all work on to help improve our health: get enough sleep. To read the details of this week's challenge, click here. Then come back and read the rest of this post.

*******

It is *so important* to our well-being to get enough sleep. When we are sleeping, our bodies are busy repairing any damage that was done during the day. I like to think of my body tightening up any loose skin from weight loss while I snooze! The correct amount of sleep leads to better energy levels, better moods, and can even contribute to weight loss.

Does the recent time change have your sleep schedule messed up? This is a good week to work on it. My routine: get in bed around 10 and read until I am sleepy. I am usually asleep by 11 that way. And I have recently tried melatonin and it did help me sleep better but also gave me a headache (which I have read happens for some people). So I don't use that anymore.

I sleep *much* better when I have not eaten junk all day. Nothing interrupts your rest like waking up choking on a digested chocolate cupcake mixed with hot dogs refluxing up your throat in the middle of the night. Don't go to bed hungry, but try not to eat too late. A small healthy protein-rich snack is a good idea to keep comfort levels just about right for rest. I also sleep better on days I exercise. A nice long walk or bike ride is a great idea. If you can't do that, do what you can. Walk out the door ten feet, enjoy the fresh air, and walk back. That was my exercise routine when I started trying to exercise at 278 pounds. You can work up to more and more time and distance. It does get easier :)

What's your routine for getting enough rest? What can you do to improve your sleep this week?

What Happened?

*This is a monumental post for me. I can't even express the depth of emotion I had as I was writing it.*

Today is a pretty big deal. Today I stepped on the scale and saw: 224 pounds. I almost teared up. Do you know how long it has been since I saw 224 pounds on the scale? I will tell you. It was on December 15, 2008. Exactly 15 months ago. And in between... for those past 15 months... I have struggled up and down, up and down, over and over between 225 and 235, with one scary month where I got as high as 245. I've hit 225 a few times but never could get below it. And now I am 224, and it almost makes me cry.

It might seem ridiculous but this has been a very intense and difficult (at times) battle between me and my addiction for so long. Imagine counting calories almost every day for two and a half years. Working on weight almost every day for almost a thousand days and still not getting near your goal. It wears on a person. I understand why people give up. And it is an emotional battle, not just physical.

I am stressed. Saturday night my dryer stopped working with a load of wet stuff in it and another in the washer. My beloved 11-year-old mini-dog has developed bowel incontinence. He can't help it, it just "falls out" as he walks. Not pleasant to deal with. My teenaged son has been causing me a great deal of distress with school issues. And my daughter has decided over the last two days that she is *not* past the tantrum stage.

Normally all this would have my head swimming with thoughts of food. Food to calm, food to distract. I'd *have* to have it. I'd binge. Instead, I find myself sitting in the quiet of the early morning thinking about solutions. Sure, my mind races. I feel very anxious. I wonder how I will ever get through it all. But the whole binge thing is just not an option. That's one nice thing about a structured plan; no big choices. And the nice thing about eating low carb is that the binge monster seems to go on vacation. I keep wondering when it will come back, but it is nice to not have to deal with THAT on top of everything else.

This got me to thinking: how did I get to this place? "This place" meaning a regain and stiff plateau for the last year and a half. I mean, I had it figured out. I lost 64 pounds in less than a year. I was feeling great. See? <---read that link. Really. The pictures speak volumes.

How does one go from that, to a regain and 15-month plateau? Well, my recollection is one thing, but the facts are in stone. The facts are in writing, right here on my blog.

This morning I went back to the archives to find the *turning point*... the day or moment when I stopped losing weight and went from 214 pounds to the Great Plateau. And I found it. Here. <---read this link. Honestly. I forgot that I actually gained ELEVEN POUNDS in one week, going from 214 to 225. And here I have been ever since.

It continued. I binged. I never really got a grip after that. On September 5, 2008, I got down to 222 pounds, but I never got below that again. Never, until now... until this month... because I am confident that this IS the month I will not only get below 225 (which I have done today) but also get below 222. And that will be another incredible moment for me.

This has been so difficult. I see that I have spent a lot of time eating my stress. I didn't know what else to do with a failing marriage, chronically ill children, financial problems, cancer scares, and loneliness. I didn't *know.* I thought I couldn't cope. But now, I think I can.

Part of me begs in my head, "please god, please don't let this be another false start. Please let me really lose weight this time. Please don't let me flip out and binge." But the other part of me knows that those choices are mine; they are not fate or god or anything out of my reach. It is DIFFICULT but I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago. I can deal with things differently. I can get different results.

I begin this week full of hope, and even joy despite my stress. I'll talk with my son about his problems. I'll call the repairman to fix the dryer. I'll review with my daughter what a big girl she is and remind her to use her words. I'll clean up the dog poop when I see it. Because *crap* happens, but that doesn't mean I have to dwell on it all day. And I don't have to binge.

Weigh-In and Dinner Pictures

Today marks my second week using the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan (5 Medifast meal replacements and 1 homemade "Lean & Green" dinner each day). I started out two weeks ago weighing 234 pounds. The first week, I lost 6 pounds (228). This week, I lost 3 more pounds (225). I am *very* pleased with that. Nine pounds in half a month!

One thing I wanted to clarify because there have been a few comments on my menus, stating that having just a Chai Latte for breakfast or just a bar for a snack would not be enough. Wondering if I am hungry. I am not generally hungry. Each of these Medifast meals is a meal replacement. It might seem like a cup of Chai or Hot Cocoa would leave on famished, but when it contains something like 14g of protein and 4 g of fiber, it is pretty filling and satisfying. Each 'meal' is supposed to keep me full for 2-3 hours; eating so frequently leaves me not feeling deprived. And all the meals are interchangeable so I can have chili, soup, a Peanut Butter bar, a shake, pretzels, or a Cappuccino and get basically the same nutrition (high protein, low sugar, low to moderate carbs). And if I have a very hungry day I can borrow part of my dinner and eat it earlier in the day (which is nice when you get such a large portion, such as 2 cups of Egg Beaters or 7 ounces of fish along with 3 servings of vegetables).

I wanted to share the dinners I had for the last two evenings. First, I made a 'Lasagna Plate' which was inspired by the zucchini lasagna I made last week. This time, I just sauteed a bunch of chopped vegetables, including zucchini, spinach, and cauliflower. I placed that in a dish and topped it with a mixture of 2% cottage cheese mixed with shredded mozzarella and Italian seasoning. Over that I put 1/4 c of no-sugar-added pizza sauce. I baked it until it was hot and bubbly. It was yummy!

Last night I made something that I saw on a message board: Alice Springs Chicken. I took a 7-oz chicken breast, pounded it thinner, seasoned with pepper and garlic powder, and baked until done. Then I brushed it lightly with a mixture of light mayo and Dijon mustard. On top of that I put a slice of (lean, 40-calorie) bacon, and over that I put a sauce made from chicken broth, Laughing Cow Light swiss cheese, and sliced mushrooms. It was fantastic! I made this for the whole family, with sides of Caesar salad, steamed asparagus, and roasted red potatoes (I had no potatoes).

I do not feel deprived and I am enjoying the way I am eating. I feel good and am going to start adding in more exercise this week (walking, biking, and strength training).

Just an aside. The weight I am now... 225 pounds... has been a regular sticking point for me. I have gone up and down between 225 and 235 for most of the last 18 months. In fact, the last time I got below 225 was in mid-December 2008. That's a long time. So when I see 224, I will be so excited to have broken through that crazy sticking point! Soon, I hope.

Be well!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

Perspective

I was in line at the grocery store the other day, waiting my turn to check out. The lady in front of me was putting her stuff up to be scanned and (as is my habit) I started checking out her grocery choices so I could do a little mini personality reading on her (I know I am probably never right, but isn't it fun to look at other people's carts and imagine what they are going to do with it all?)

I immediately spotted two cartons of Blue Bunny ice cream on the belt, waiting to be scanned. The picture on the side looked like some kind of caramel swirl... vanilla with a thick ribbon of light brown striping each scoop. I eyeballed it closely, trying to determine the flavor. In the past, seeing that might have caused me to back my cart out of the aisle and go running for the freezer section to get some for myself. Or at least I'd start battling the inner child in my head about how I should or shouldn't have that. This time I was okay. But I looked at the woman and her two cartons of ice cream and I thought, "Not fair." And a split second later I saw the two packs of cigarettes that the checker scanned and handed to the lady to place in her purse.

Oh.

Somehow, the whole "not fair" concept blew right out the window, as I realized that being chained to an addiction is what is truly not fair. And how thankful I am that I am, at least in this moment, free.

Not Hungry

For the last two days I have not been hungry at all, unless I go more than 3 hours without eating. And no crazy binge urges. I am happy with that.

Here's what I ate on Thursday.
7AM: Chai Latte
8:30AM: hard boiled egg
10AM: apple cinnamon oatmeal muffin, green tea
11AM: herbal tea w/1T 2% milk
1PM: Chocolate Mint crunch bar
3:30PM: Medifast Chili Nacho Cheese puffs. I hadn't tried these before so I wasn't sure what to expect. They come in a little bag and when I poured them into a bowl, they smelled like chili or tacos. They are small... the size of a marble... and the texture is very similar to those cheese balls we all know about (these are a tiny bit crunchier). These have a really nice flavor; not overwhelming but just a bit spicy, cheesey, and chili-like. I liked them and think they'd be great to fulfil a desire for something snacky. They actually took me awhile to eat and it felt like a pretty decent sized serving. Thumbs up for the Chili puffs! (110 calories, 11g protein, 4g fiber).

6PM: Dinner was a can of water-packed tuna mixed w/1T light mayo, a bit of mustard, & part of a pickle spear (chopped). I ate the tuna on a bunch of Romaine leaves, with a side of angel hair shredded cabbage fried in 1/4 tsp of toasted sesame oil and seasoned with salt and pepper.

8:30PM: Smores Crunch Bar. This is another one I hadn't tried. First thing I noticed: it smells *exactly* like graham crackers! It is the same size, texture, shape as the other Crunch bars I've reviewed but it had cute little marshmallows on the top. It tasted good but *very* sweet. Almost too sweet. It was good but I like the other crunch bars better because they are not as sweet.

Overall a good day.

The Medifast foods really are decent overall. My very favorites are the Hot Cocoa (with coffee added, and/or over ice) and the Honey Mustard pretzels. I would eat these every day if I wouldn't run out. I am eating my last pack of pretzels right now and I know I am really going to miss them until I get more!

This morning I had a cinnamon mocha, an Egg Beater omelet full of mushrooms, chives, and a bit of cheese along with a cup of green tea. I have some fresh homemade turkey soup simmering on the stove for dinner, and I am feeling really good! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*

Control and Obsession

I'm feeling cold and a little tired today. Wanting to hibernate. It is cold and overcast outside; I am amazed how the weather is directly correlated to my moods so much of the time! Give me warmth and sunshine, and my whole soul feels like springtime. But the cold dreariness makes me want to huddle under the blankets with some hot cocoa and watch TV all day.

I've found myself having the same old thoughts about wanting to binge; it happens once or twice a day, but the strange thing is how fleeting they are. In the past, I'd get a binge in my head and become obsessed. My mind was like a steel trap and there was no getting that binge thought-track out of it. I'd try and try to distract myself, usually to no avail. It might be hours, it might be days. It even might been a week or two. But eventually I would flip out and binge. I'd go to the store, buy some donuts and hot dogs, and come home and eat them all, telling myself that I would be okay because it was "just one time" and tomorrow I will be back to eating healthy again. Only I wasn't. Often, one binge led to another, and another. If I tried to resist by not going to the store, I'd suddenly find myself in the kitchen mixing together whatever I could find to binge on: Bisquick and milk and honey made into a dough and fried in oil and drizzled with honey butter, or hot cocoa mix and flour and butter mixed in a bowl, or piece after piece of buttered toast. Maybe a half pound of cheese. Grilled peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. Or a couple of potatoes cut up, fried in a pan and topped with bacon, sour cream and green onions. And that's how I would regain whatever weight I had so diligently worked off in a month. Three weeks to lose 5 pounds, and 3 days to gain 8. It sucks. But now that I am eating *so* low carb and low sugar, I am able to resist the binge thoughts. They do not seem to *drive* me the way they used to. Oh, yes, I still WANT the junk food. I still even ever-so-slightly contemplate bingeing (because I love the feelings associated with a binge, I miss it, and I would do it every day if it wasn't going to kill me). Now, I have the thoughts and instead of being consumed by them, I observe them. So far, I have stayed on plan and been ok. So far, no thought of junk has led to action, even though I want it.

I had the same experience when I was doing other low-carb eating plans; South Beach Diet was very successful for me back about 7 or 8 years ago (I lost about 40 pounds) because when I ate that way I lost my insane cravings. But then when I "went off" I went back to eating crap and of course all the weight and then some came back. What's different now? I know how to eat. I know what to do. I am far, far more aware of what is going on inside me. Back then, I felt like a victim. I did not understand what was going on with me and food. Now I get it. I understand. I do not, however, know 100% how to fix it. So I am still scared of gaining it all back someday. When I think about trying to *never* binge again, it seems absolutely impossible. Do I even want a life without binges? That is something only I can decide. I am working on that.

So I will enjoy the sense of control I have now, hope it stays, and lose weight as much as I can and try very hard not to regain. All I can really focus on is what I can do TODAY... what I can control *now.* And when the future comes, I will deal with that then.

Wednesday menu:
8AM: Hot Cocoa w/hazelnut instant coffee
10AM: apple cinnamon oatmeal muffin
Strength trained 15 min
1PM: Chili with 1/2c diced canned tomatoes added
4PM: Hot Cocoa mixed with decaf instant coffee, over ice. This was so delicious!
6PM: Roasted turkey wings & roasted asparagus
8:30PM: Chocolate pudding whisked with 1T lite cream cheese
I was not hungry AT ALL on Wednesday.

Scale says: 226.

Cauliflower Pizza

Here is a recipe that you will LOVE, regardless of what kind of eating plan you are on! This is a pizza made with a cauliflower crust, and it is fantastic! It is healthy and full of veggies and protein. It is low carb AND it fits the standards for a Medifast Lean & Green dinner. Winner all around! The original recipe is here; I tweaked it a little.

Cauliflower Pizza

Steam some fresh or frozen cauliflower first, just until tender but not mushy. Drain and let it cool completely. Then use a ricer or a cheese grater to grate the cauliflower to make 1 measuring cup full (not packed).

Mix 1 c grated cauliflower with 1/4c Eggbeaters, 1/2 tsp oregano and 1/2c shredded low moisture part-skim mozzarella cheese. (You can use reduced fat; I used Tillamook pre-shredded). Spread this mixture on a cookie sheet that has been *generously* sprayed with Pam. (Even better, use parchment paper. The crust *will not stick* if you bake it on parchment!) Use a spatula and spread/pat it into a circle about 10" or so around. Put this into a preheated 440 degree oven for 12-15 minutes, until it is very nicely browned. The edges should look almost burnt.

Take the crust out of the oven (if you used parchment, slide it off and remove the paper at this point) and top with 3T of your favorite no-sugar-added pizza sauce. Then sprinkle with 1/2 c. shredded mozzarella. You can now add your favorite pizza toppings. If you want a Lean & Green meal you should add 1/4 c veggies... I used diced canned tomatoes. Otherwise, add whatever you like: turkey pepperoni, black olives, peppers, mushrooms, etc.

Put back into the oven under the broiler, watching carefully, just until cheese is melted. Remove from the oven and cut into wedges. Enjoy!

Doesn't it look fantastic?? It tastes as good as it looks!

And yes, you can pick up the pieces and eat them with your hands if you baked it long enough. I did! Or you can eat it with a fork. Either way, this is delicious. It totally satisfies my desire for pizza. Next time, I am adding turkey pepperoni and mushrooms!

*Edited to add: this entire pizza has only 405 calories. If you used reduced fat cheese it would be even less!

Desires

I was sitting here minding my own business yesterday when suddenly I got an email from Starbucks. Like a fool, I opened it, and was accosted by a photograph and description of their new spring beverage... Dark Cherry Mocha.

Oh my gosh. I feel silly admitting this but I almost had a complete meltdown. My inner child came RAGING out and threw an almost tangible tantrum right there front and center in my head, wanting that stupid coffee drink. I could almost feel her pounding her fists and kicking her feet inside my head. She was really having a meltdown. I felt 1) left out and 2) deprived because I could not have that drink. It reminded me of the times when I was a little girl in grade school sitting in the hallway while my classmates had a birthday party, Easter party, Valentines party, or Christmas party that I was excluded from because of my childhood religion. I'd watch the moms walk past bringing cupcakes and cookies and knew I couldn't have any. I was doing it "for God" so I'd sit there and pray and try to feel like I was doing the right thing and He was pleased with me for not having those cupcakes. But that didn't change how sad I felt. (You can read more about this experience in my life here and here.)

The mocha meltdown wasn't really about the childhood past thing, but it was the same *feeling.* I have gone over and dealt with those experiences and have come to peace with them. But I still, somehow, feel the same way when I "can't have" a particular food. I don't JUST feel like I wish I could have it. I feel left out.

I got over it quickly enough... went on about my life, baked some delicious calzones for my family for dinner while I made myself a cauliflower pizza. The calzones smelled so wonderful, like pizza and freshly baked bread all at once, and I really enjoyed smelling it. But I was okay with not having any. I wasn't tempted to have some even though I knew it would be good. I just enjoyed the warm scents and the pleasure of my kids eating their homemade dinner.

Maybe I will have a dark cherry mocha someday... maybe not. I don't really care. It's funny how for just a few moments that coffee drink *became my world* and nothing else existed. I guess there is something to be said for waiting out a craving (or a want).

Stuff I've Been Eating

Here's a recap of my food for the last few days. I was extra hungry yesterday... not sure why... but my stomach was a bottomless pit! I just kept drinking water and hoping it means the pounds are dropping off.

Sunday:
7AM: Rooibos tea w/1T milk, bit of sugar free vanilla syrup
8 AM: cinnamon mocha (Medifast Hot Cocoa with decaf instant coffee & cinnamon added... yummy)
10AM: 1/2 c Eggbeaters, 1 Laughing Cow lite cheese (counts as half a fat serving), 1/2 c grated zucchini cooked in 1/2 t olive oil, & green tea
11AM: Chocolate Mint Crunch bar
12:30: Chicken Noodle soup
3:00PM: Honey Mustard pretzels
5:30PM: 1/2c Eggbeaters made into an omelette filled with 1/4 c low fat cheddar cheese, 1.5 Morningstar Farms sausage links (sliced), 1/2c spinach & cabbage (mixed). I also had a side salad of 1 c romaine, 1T lite blue cheese, and a few bacon bits.
9PM: Chocolate pudding w/almond extract added (good)

Monday
7AM: Hot Cocoa w/decaf instant coffee added
9:30: Medifast Orange 55 shake. This was okay on flavor but the texture was chalky. I didn't think the other shakes were chalky... just this one. Next time I will add a lot more ice to see if that masks the chalkiness.
11:45: Oatmeal muffin (explanation below), green tea
3:30: Cream of Chicken soup
5:30: Taco salad made from 5oz lean, grass-fed beef sauteed with diced celery, canned tomatoes, onion powder, pepper, oregano & cumin. I put this over a bowl of 2c chopped romaine mixed w/1T Ranch dressing). This was so good!

9:00PM: Dutch chocolate 55 shake

Tuesday (today):
7AM: Bancha green tea w/1T 2% milk
8AM: Chai Latte
11AM: Oatmeal muffin
Walked 1 mile outside
1:30: Peanut Butter Crunch bar

Now, about that oatmeal muffin. If you read my reviews before you know I have a very strong dislike for the Medifast oatmeals. I think they taste bitter and icky. It would be a real challenge for me to eat those, and since I am not into self torture, I won't. However, I did see some recipes on the Medifast support boards with people using the oatmeal packets to make oatmeal muffins that are still on plan. Well, I am not big on making recipes out of the packets; I like simplicity. I don't want to make fudge out of a pack of hot cocoa plus all my condiments and fats for the day and pretend I am eating candy. To me the point of this plan (a main point anyway) is simplicity. But because the oatmeal is one of the more filling Medifast meals, I figured I would give the muffin thing a try. And they turned out really good! I was surprised. And the 'recipe' only takes like one minute to make so it is not any big effort. I can do this once in awhile.

(I found this recipe on the Medifast boards, called Martha's Muffins, but I have no idea who Martha is).

Medifast Oatmeal Muffin

In a bowl, mix one packet of oatmeal (I used Maple & Brown sugar) with 1/4 tsp baking soda and 1/8 tsp baking powder. Add some cinnamon if you like (I did).
In a measuring cup, put 1/3 c water and 1 tsp white vinegar. You can add a dash of vanilla if you like (I didn't).
Preheat oven or toaster oven to 350. Spray a mini bread pan with Pam (I used a 5" round glass Pyrex dish). When all of that is ready, mix the water mixture into the dry mixture with a spatula. Quickly mix it and pour it into the dish and put it in the oven to bake (work fast so the bubbles that leaven the muffin don't all go away). Bake for about 16 minutes or until the top is firm (not mushy or wet). Take it out, cool a minute or two. Run a knife around the edges and dump it out onto a plate to cool.

You could eat this warm, but I like it cold because the awful bitter taste nearly disappears! Very filling.

That's my food update... I am feeling good but was very hungry this morning before I ate the muffin. I think I am going to roast some turkey wings and asparagus for dinner tonight.

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free.*