What is Medifast?

Today my first shipment of Medifast foods arrived! I am psyched! In fact, I am going to start tomorrow. So I thought I'd take a post here to explain what Medifast is and why I am doing it. Even if you are not the least bit interested in Medifast, I hope this will be kind of interesting to you. And if not, don't worry. This is not going to become a Medifast blog. It may seem like it for the first week because I am going to write about my food each day along with how I feel. Part of what I want to do is put a real, honest, down to earth review of Medifast out there. If it sucks, I am going to say so, and I told Medifast this up front. No fake kudos from me! Anytime I do a product review, I feel a responsibility to anyone who reads it to be completely honest and not pretend something is what it is not.

Anyway, I explained before my reasons for switching to this new plan and what I think I will get out of it. And I am required by law to post a disclosure whenever I review a product, because the FTC thinks that if a company gives a product to a blogger, the blogger is more likely to give a favorable review. Maybe that's true for some folks, but not here. Anyway, here's the disclosure, which I will paste into any posts about Medifast:

*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast is providing me with its products for my personal use for free.*

(And it's a good thing they are sending it to me for free, because there is no earthly way I'd have done this on my own. One month of Medifast food costs about $300.)

Medifast describes its plan as "low-glycemic, low calorie foods scientifically formulated with the right balance of protein, carbohydrates, fiber, vitamin, and minerals." It's a high protein, low carb meal plan and everything is pre-measured and pre-calculated. You're supposed to eat five Medifast meals each day plus a "Lean & Green" meal, usually for dinner. It works out so you're eating every 2.5 - 3 hours.

Each Medifast meal provides about the same amount of calories, carbs, protein, etc, so they are completely interchangeable. Some of the stuff they call a meal looks more like a snack, and some look more like a dessert, but you just pick what you feel like having. There's stuff like various flavors of oatmeal, shakes, bars, soups, chili, stews, puddings, pretzels, puffs, eggs, even brownies. Eat five of those every day.

The Lean & Green Meal is 5 to 7 ounces of lean protein (chicken, fish, beef, pork, etc) plus three servings of vegetables. Some high carb veggies are not allowed, like potatoes and corn. You can eat the protein & veggies as your dinner, or you can eat have part of them with another meal earlier in the day.

If you want to learn more about Medifast, check out their website. And keep reading... I will be posting pictures of the food this week as well as telling you how good or bad it is.

I've committed to do Medifast for at least a month... more if it works well for me. After this first week the Medifast-related posts will dwindle down quite a bit, but this is another big step in my journey so this week please humor me as my excitement at trying something new bubbles over.

If you have any questions please leave me a comment and I will try to answer you the best I can. This is all new to me, so I'll be learning as I go along.

Through the Eyes of a Pet

Since we are working on self love this week, I thought it might be a good time to reframe the way we look at ourselves. How about an experiment? Look at yourself through the eyes of your pet.

If you've ever had a dog or a cat or some other animal that you loved and bonded with, you know that pets can be quite devoted. My little dog, an 8 pound poodle Pomeranian cross, worships the ground I walk on. We got him 11 years ago as a Christmas present for my little boy, and he does love all of us, but he just adores me. That dog would walk on hot coals to get to me, and the way he looks at me is with complete love and acceptance. Do you think it has ever crossed his mind that I am too fat? Do you think when he sits on my lap he is thinking, "Geez, she could stand to drop some of this padding"? How about when I was 278 pounds? Do you think he loved me less?

I've written before about how I was tormented by a bully relentlessly in grade school, but I haven't written about what kept me sane during that time. It was my cat, Puddy. I was probably 8 years old when I found her walking in the tall grass in a field one day, her long brown tail poking up like an antenna so that I could find her in the virtual jungle. I was an animal lover; we had a large dog that belonged to my father, but our landlord had forbidden cats. When I brought the stray home, my parents said we'd try to find her a home but we could not keep her. But I was in love; I waited outside until I saw the old, sun-wrinkled landlord in his overalls driving his rusty farm truck down to the barn to feed his cattle. I ran down to him, half afraid, climbed the white wooden fence and quietly told him I'd found a kitten, and couldn't I please keep her? He glanced at me from under his dirty cap as he swung a hay bale from the barn, and said, "I suppose." That was enough. I ran gleefully to my parents, told them I had 'permission' to keep the cat, and took her out of the box she'd been napping in. "You're mine!" I said as I snuggled her in my lap. "I love you!"

I named her Puddy after the phrase Tweety Bird used to say about Sylvester in the old cartoons: "I tawt I taw a puddy tat!" She didn't mind the silly name; she was just happy to have a home. She was a beautiful brown tabby. We let her in and out as she pleased, as we lived in the country. Every day after school, after the hellish nightmare of being teased and taunted by that bully, I'd come home, walk in the door, and ask my father, "Is the Puddy in or out?" And off I'd go to find my friend... my solace.

She slept on my bed every night, on my feet. She'd purr me to sleep. I'd hold her and sob when I was sad. I'd play with her and she'd make me laugh. And even though that mean girl at school was ripping my self esteem to shreds, I knew I was really okay because Puddy loved me. Puddy didn't think I had a "pale face" and she didn't notice care if I had glasses. She never called me a "four-eyed freak" and she never cared if I was shy. She accepted and loved every bit of me, as I was right then. And since I had such complete acceptance from her... I knew I was not such a bad person after all. Oh the innocence and trust of a child. She was my best friend.

One time we went on vacation for two weeks, and my parents arranged for a neighbor to care for Puddy. When we came home, I ran about, calling, "Puddy! Puddy! Here kittykittykitty!" But she did not come running as she usually did. I frantically searched for her, and then saw the neighbor boy down the road. "Have you seen Puddy?" I asked. And he said, "Oh, I think she got hit by a car." I was hysterical, I ran around screaming. I went in my room and cried like the world had ended. My parents quickly talked to the neighbor who said they had not, in fact, seen anything bad happen to my cat, but they had not seen her in a few days.

Every day I went looking for her. Every day I'd sit and stare out the windows. I'd go out the attic window onto the roof and watch for her for hours. A week went by. My parents gently told me she was probably gone. I started to believe it.

Then one day I was staring out the screen door when I thought I heard a faint mew. I perked up. There it was again! I tore out of the house calling, "Puddy? Puddy? Here kittykittykitty!" and then I saw her up in a tree in out backyard, meowing. The joy was indescribable as I reached up and got her down and into my arms. My best friend was home.

And the years went by, and she adored me unconditionally, which probably kept me from becoming a suicidal child from the bullying. And then one day I came home from school and asked, "Is the Puddy in or out?" And my father said she was gone. He had found her on the road. She really had been hit by a car this time. My mother told me years later how devastated my father was, cleaning up my beloved cat off the road before I'd come home from school and see it. Thank god he did that. I cannot imagine.

Our pets, they are so much more than animals. They trust and love, they see US and not just our bodies. They never put us down or judge us. When we make a mistake they forgive. When we are hard on ourselves they just keep on snuggling up to us, purring or licking us or wagging their tails to let us know we are perfect just the way we are.

Try to look at yourself through the eyes of a pet. See the good in you, overlook the little flaws. Love yourself without fail. Let the criticism go for awhile and just embrace and accept. Be your own best friend.

Sick

I can't even get my brain together enough to write a coherent post, but wanted to let you know my daughter has improved dramatically (thank you for the good thoughts and prayers!) but I am NOT doing well. I haven't felt quite right for a couple of days. Today I had a killer migraine with visual disturbances/weird colors and nausea, and now I have the chills and feel overall horrid. Taking vitamins, going to bed early and hoping for the best.

My Sick Girl

Another short update. I wanted to write something more interesting today, but wow, what a day it has been.

It started last night around 8:30 when my little girl had a nosebleed. It was a pretty intense one and she was quite upset, so it took awhile to get it all taken care of and her back to sleep. Then, around 1am, she woke up crying in agony. Those 'bulging eardrums' from when she was sick last week have become infected. I was up with her for hours; the usual pain medications didn't work well at all. Finally I got her to sleep and then in the morning, I gave her Tylenol and called in a prescription for antibiotics and she seemed fine. No fever.

But by noon she was miserable again, and the lame pediatrician (I am looking for a new one... my old, trusted pediatrician moved out of town) called in a prescription for a medication my daughter is ALLERGIC TO (great call there doc). The pharmacy called to alert me, and then it took all day to get a different prescription called in. My poor girl has been crying, sitting on my lap, or sleeping all day. It breaks my heart.

Around 3pm she was asleep on the couch and my teens were home from school so I went out to do yard work. I raked and shoveled for a solid hour. Every muscle in my body aches!! My arms feel like rubber bands and my midsection feels like I did 100 situps. Ahhh. Sore but good! And the yard is looking much better.

And now my baby girl is playing a Wii game with her teenage brother, distracting her a bit from her pain. I hope her ears get better soon. She has been sick this time for 9 days now (she had a 104 fever last week) and is sad because she is missing preschool and her dance classes. Please say a little prayer or send a positive thought for my sweet girl.

Maybe I'll have more time and energy to write tomorrow. I am hanging in there!

Update

So, I found out the Medifast shipment will be coming this weekend (hopefully)... Saturday, which is a little later than I expected, but okay. I will probably start that plan on the first which is Monday. I am excited to be trying something new.

At first, there might seem to be a lot of posts that talk about the Medifast food, but that's not because I am trying to plug them. In fact, I don't even know if it will taste good or work for me or what. When they contacted me, they offered to provide me with their food and a nutritionist for free, and asked me to blog about my experience when I felt like it. Which will be more often at first, I am sure, because I am excited to share my experience... good and bad. I also looked around a lot at Medifast reviews on the web and found a lot of opinions but not much in the way of concise, honest, down-to-earth, trustworthy reviews. (There are a few, but you have to dig to find them). I hope by the end of March I will have developed a *great* resource for people who are considering the program and want to know things like, what's the food taste like? Are you hungry all the time? Did you really lose weight on it? How did you feel? And I think it will be fun to put a blunt, factual, honest review out there for Medifast.

In the meantime, I am doing okay with my eating. I've averaged around 1700 calories/day this week and the scale is down to 232.

**Edited to add: If you've emailed me please be patient! I have been SWAMPED with emails and it might take awhile for me to respond. Thanks!

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Self Love

It's Tuesday, when I usually post a healthy habit suggestion that we all can work on to improve our health during the coming week. And I think this is a perfect week for this particular habit: Love Yourself. First, click here and read the details of the challenge. Then come back and finish reading this post.

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Wow. Well, that was a good reminder for *me* and I wrote it! I have, lately, been given to the tendency to think negative things about my body. After I shower, I look down that the belly, the stretch marks, the hanging bits and think, UGH, how did I let this happen? I barely even remember a time when my body looked 'normal' even though I didn't become obese until I was in my 20's. But I need to remember what I have been through. I am NOT 20 anymore. I am 40. I have given birth to five wonderful children (four of them in a five-year span). I lost two babies as well in the first months of pregnancy. That belly, those stretch marks, they were actually hard earned. And I breastfed those children too... one for five months, three for a year, and one for almost two years. My body has given and sustained life and I am very proud of that. I can definitely be kinder to my body.

What I will do this week to cultivate self love:

I will get back to my skin care routine. I used to do skin brushing, massage, and lotion to avoid extra, loose skin after weight loss, but when I stopped losing weight, I stopped doing all of that. I am going to start up again. I am also going to make a point of changing my thoughts to positive ones whenever I look at a part of my body. Beyond that, I'll be cutting myself a bit more slack and not berating myself if I don't get everything done I had planned in a day. I'll try my best, but when I fall short I will still be kind to myself.

How about you? Can you find a way to love yourself a little better this week?

The Clothes in the Closet

I have a lot of clothes in my closet, like most women do. And like most people who've lost a lot of weight, I have a wide variety of sizes. But it's not what you might think.

I started out this journey with a closet populated with clothes in sizes 22, 24, 26, and 28. I had tops in 2X, 3X, and 4X. And every day I would get up, see the smaller sizes and sigh as I shoved them aside to reach for the faded, worn 26/28's and 3-4X's because nothing else fit me. I had gone up the hell scale from 245 to over 280. And none of my "smaller" clothes fit me anymore. I dreamed of the day I'd be able to wear those cute 22's and 24's. It seems like just that: a dream, not a possible reality.

Eleven months after I began this blog, I had lost 64 pounds and weighed 214. I'd whizzed through those 22's and 24's into size 16 jeans and 14 (large) tops, and all of those clothes that once used to look so small were ridiculously huge on me. They went into the Fat Clothes Box and off to Goodwill or Craigslist, because I was certainly never going back *there* again. Some of the 18's and XL tops still fit relatively well, even if a little baggy, so I kept those. I sent some into the empty Fat Clothes box to be gotten rid of later.

It wasn't but a few months later that I was regaining some of the weight I'd lost. I got into the 220's and stayed there. I kept working my plan but was slipping up here and there and it just was not enough to stay under 225. I remember the day my size 16 jeans were too tight, and my size L tops a bit snug. I sadly delved into that Fat Box to retrieve the size 18's and XL's. I felt a little sad about that, but not defeated.

That was almost 18 months ago. For the past year and a half, many of you have watched me go up and down, losing and gaining the same 10-15 pounds over and over and over. It's not for lack of trying; I've blogged consistently, counted calories and eaten well 80% of the time, kept exercising unless I was injured. Giving up was never an option. It never will be.

But there's something about the clothes in the closet that is rather personal to me that I haven't shared before. After I purged my closet of Fat Clothes, I gleefully started watching for sales so I could stock up on Thinner Clothes: the smaller sizes I would need as I continued to lose weight. If I saw size 14 jeans in a style I liked on clearance, I'd buy a pair. When there was a big sale I'd stock up on size medium shirts. I even bought underwear and bras in smaller sizes so as I lost the weight I'd have super cute, nice clothes to try on and look forward to.

The Thin Clothes started taking over my bedroom. Maybe I went a little overboard, but I was so excited to be shrinking. I bought a couple of Rubbermaid tubs and neatly folded the new jeans inside them: 12's, 14's, 16's. Pretty sweaters, jackets, and blouses hang in my closet in size 10 and up. And every day, I go to my closet, see the smaller sizes and sigh as I push them aside for the faded, worn 18 jeans and XL tops because nothing else fits me.

Eighteen months. Those clothes ARE getting faded and worn. I am starting to see tiny holes in my favorite size 18 jeans, but I wear them because nothing else fits. I refuse to buy bigger sizes; I'd frankly rather go naked than do that as it is a mental "I give up" to me. But it is a heartbreak every morning when I see all those pretty new clothes in smaller sizes that are just barely beyond my reach.

I've made a decision that might not be popular, but I believe it is best for *me.* And I have to do what I believe will help me, even if I am wrong or if it isn't popular. My whole focus over this two and a half year journey has been to get to a more 'real food' diet based around the Farmer's Market and local foods. And that is *still* my long term goal. It is still what I will do for the rest of my life after I lose weight, and the way I will continue to prepare foods for my family forever. But sometime this week, I am going to start Medifast. Please hear me out, and don't think I am reaching for a Magic Pill, because we all know there isn't one. I would never have thought to do this on my own, but when Medifast contacted me and offered me their program for free, I had to consider it. Let me tell you, I get 'diet' offers every single day. Pills, potions, herbs. special equipment, everything you can imagine, and I turn them down because my policy is not to use or try anything I believe could be harmful. I get offers of hundreds of dollars *cash* to promote diet products or have links on my site to diet product websites and, even though I could use the money, I say no. This blog is about me, my weight loss journey, and helping others who are struggling. So at first I was sending the Medifast offer to the trash bin, because I know I could NOT do a liquid diet. But then I looked at the site. I won't go into details, because this is not going to turn into a "plug Medifast" blog (and they did not ask that of me), but the plan has no drugs, herbs, special potions, extra super-secret ingredients, or dangerous additives. It's just prepackaged food, period. High protein, low carb diet. And the food is stuff like chicken soup, beef stew, chili, puddings, oatmeal... not just shakes and bars (although they are available, too). What clinched it for me was that you also get to have dinner with the family, what they call a Lean & Green meal which is 7 ounces of lean meat and 3 servings of vegetables. When I saw that I'd get to have up to 3 cups of fresh veggies, I thought, hey, I could do this. This is simple. This might help me. They also offered to set me up with a nutritionist. So I decided to give it a go.

It was a tough process for me deciding to do it, but here is what I think I may gain from it:

1. A break from food prep. I have gotten *so tired* of thinking of what to eat, shopping, prepping, measuring, and counting calories for two and a half years. I think a break will do me good. Since the food is pre-measured I do not have to worry about counting calories. I just have to measure my dinner. I often have wished I could have someone just BRING me healthy foods so I could focus on other things, and this is about as close as I am going to get, unless one of you wants to move in and cook for me.

2. Focusing on other things. Instead of spending so much time and energy on food buying, planning, measuring and prepping, I think Medifast will free me up to focus on other things, like the emotional/mental reason I have not gotten below 225 in over a year. In fact, I think being on this plan and losing weight may force the real issues to the surface so I can deal with them. I still believe something is going on mentally that is the reason I haven't lost more weight. I don't know if you can understand this unless you've tried and worked to lose weight and struggled for a long time, but there is more to it than just 'eat less move more'. Some of us are paralyzed, in a way, by fear or anger or whatever other mental thing is there that keeps our hand reaching for the donut, even when we don't really want the donut.

3. Physical relief. While dropping 50-ish pounds has done wonders for my mobility, it is not enough. My knees are in very bad shape (says the orthopedic surgeon) and I need to get more weight off them *now.* I am getting injured more and more often, and if you read my blog for long you know I am in pain every single day. In order for my knees to even have a chance at healing and to stop the degeneration, I have simply *got* to get more weight off them. This is not a matter of vanity. This is a matter of mobility. I believe doing Medifast will get at least an initial chunk of weight off relatively quickly, which will be of great benefit to my knees and joints and may free me up to be more mobile and in less pain, which will in turn facilitate my weight loss in the long term.

4. The clothes in the closet. It would be such a HUGE boost to my self esteem to fit into *any* of those clothes that I have been staring at in my closet for the past eighteen months. I am tired of being sad when I look in there. I want to pull that soft, blue velour sweatshirt out of there and wear it, but I never have. It's brand new, beautiful, and too small by about ten pounds. There's a pretty green shirt in there with a defined waist that I think would be so flattering to me, but it, too, is ten pounds too small. The size 16 jeans, the blue blouse with the pretty lace in the front, the sexy black top that would flow over my body so nicely. I want to wear them. It has been long enough. The only clothes I fit in now are wearing out. I am tired of looking at my clothes and wishing. I am going to do something about it.

I hope I'll have your support in this decision, and I plan to keep writing just as I always have. I'll definitely share my experiences with Medifast and how the food tastes, but I'll also continue posting the recipes and meals I eat for dinner. If this new plan sucks, so be it. I will give it a try for at least a month and then reevaluate. Eventually, I'll work my way back to a whole foods, natural, organic meal plan. But for now, I need to do something different. Including, hopefully, posting some new progress pictures in some of those clothes in my closet.

They Are Changing, Too

This morning, my kids were mmm-ing and ahhh-ing over the freshly baked wheat bread I brought home yesterday. They were eating it and not complaining. They LOVED it. "May I have another slice, please?" This is a scene you'd have never encountered in my home a few years ago.

I was raised on Wonder bread (is that even really bread? Or is it some kind of fabricated air with a thin web of starch?) When I grew up and had kids, we didn't buy bread very often. I baked bread every week, and usually it was white bread. There is nothing like a loaf of hot, fresh bread coming out of the oven, ready to be slathered with butter! (I used to make 2 loaves so I could eat one myself before my husband got home from work.) I figured I was doing better by my kids by making my own bread. Sometimes I made wheat bread but they turned up their noses.

Later, when I got divorced and had to work, I didn't have time to bake bread very often. I'd bring home that fake "wheat bread" that has NO whole wheat in it, and my kids would eat it and moan, "WHY can't you just get NORMAL bread?" Sometimes I'd buy white bread to make them happy, and they loved it.

When I started changing the way I eat, I started buying 100% whole wheat bread with no corn syrup or junk in it. It is dense and flavorful and moist, and I love it. But my older kids avoided it like the plague. It didn't matter if they were starving and I bought them ham, turkey, and all their favorite sandwich fillings, they were NOT going to eat that "icky" whole wheat bread. They just hated it. So I kept buying them the 'fake' wheat bread because I didn't want them to have a taste for just white bread. I hoped eventually their tastes would change. And I raised my last child, my 4 year old, on the whole wheat bread that I eat. She loves it.

Well, things *have* changed. I didn't push it. I kept buying the 100% whole wheat bread, and then I'd buy the fake wheat bread sometimes but let it run out. I kept putting a plate of whole wheat bread on the table with dinner as a side option. And guess what? After awhile, the older kids started eating it. And asking for more. AND LIKING IT.

One of my teenagers pretty much only likes junk food. He spends his entire allowance going to the store and buying crap food because I don't buy it anymore. He wouldn't touch a fruit, vegetable, or healthy item with a ten foot pole. He is all about soda, fried pizza rolls, and donuts. He worries me a bit.

This morning, that boy sat down with a breakfast he chose and prepared for himself: a chicken artichoke sausage (low fat, 110 cal, high protein), 2 slices of whole wheat bread with homemade butter, and a glass of organic local apple cider. I woulda never believed it. This, a kid who if allowed will have a Coke and a pile of donuts for breakfast!

"This bread is good," he said. And then asked me why the homemade butter was so yellow. I got to explain how milk and cream from grass fed cows is so much richer in beta carotene from the cows' diet, and how that is better for us. He got it.

I put a salad out with dinner often. Most of the kids eat it now. Maybe someday this kid will too. I just keep giving them healthier options, and slowly I see their tastes changing. I see them choosing fruit as snacks, and not complaining as much about vegetables at dinner. I am so happy to see my kids choosing better foods for themselves. I'm glad I started changing in time to make a difference.

Peanut Butter Flashbacks

Last night I went to bed at 9 to try and catch up on my sleep. And today I feel *so* much better! I feel energized and alive and just overall GOOD, which is especially nice since this is PMS week. My little girl seems to be improving, too: no fever last night, and her cough is just a little bit better. I'm going to take her out in the yard today so we can both get some fresh air and sunshine.

I've been eating healthy meals, staying under my calorie goal and doing ok with that. I am also paying close attention to getting enough protein with my meals because I tend to feel hungry a lot when I am PMSing. I had an interesting "flashback" of sorts yesterday when I was eating my snack; I thought of something I had forgotten for a long time.

Yesterday, I was in the kitchen grabbing a banana and peanut butter for my snack. Usually I spread the peanut butter on the banana, but this time I just wanted to hurry up and eat it because I was so hungry. I grabbed a half tablespoon (measuring spoon) and levelled it off with peanut butter, and took a lick. As I was standing there, I remembered something I used to do *all the time.*

Back in the day when I paid little attention to how much and what I was eating, I often would grab one of those large soup spoons from the drawer and use it to scoop a *heaping* glob of Jif peanut butter out of the jar. Then I'd stand there (alone, of course... who would eat like that in front of anyone??) and lick the peanut butter off the spoon until it was gone. Then I'd do it again (with a fresh spoon just because I didn't want to be TOO gross). And I'd do that 3 or 4 times and then wash the spoons so hopefully no one would notice (except for asking "where'd all the peanut butter go??")

Now, thinking back, I had NO sense of how many calories I was ingesting. One heaping spoonful was *easily* a quarter cup of peanut butter; even being conservative, if I ate just 3 spoonfuls that is 1,140 calories! It wasn't on a sandwich, or a meal, or a treat, or anything in particular; it was more like, "I'm bored, I want something yummy, how about some peanut butter?" I was absolutely mindless about my eating, and it is no wonder I got to 280 pounds. But because it was so mindless it was a huge shock when I saw the pictures of myself on vacation in my size 26/28 pants and 3x shirt and said, "who IS that person??"

As I enjoyed my half tablespoon (48 calories) of peanut butter the other day, it tasted good. But I didn't even consider eating a GLOB of peanut butter like I used to. I just can't be that person anymore; my mind has changed... not just my body. And as time goes on, I hope my mind will decide not to want other unhealthy amounts of food, because right now, it's still a challenge not to want candy and cookies and cakes and pizza. I'm thankful I have stuck with my committment to stay away from fast food. And I am almost completely off sodas (with about 2 or 3 a month, trying to cut down to zero!) Eventually, there will be enough changes that my food intake won't even vaguely resemble the way I used to eat. At least, that's my goal.

The Journey

I'm back from the doctor. My daughter has a virus, which explains the 104 fevers. There's nothing they can do about it except watch that her bad cough doesn't turn into pneumonia and that her "bulging eardrums" do not become infected or burst. She is miserable. Poor baby. So I am spending my day fixing chicken soup, cuddling my girl, and watching Peter Pan with her.

I had a good eating day yesterday and am doing well today too. I think sometimes when one gets bumped out of their comfort zone (with a health scare or whatever) it does renew determination to keep going. I have to say that since I had those palpitations the other day I lost my appetite for junk completely. I'll enjoy that while it lasts.

I have always been a bit of a worrier (and an over-thinker). I've worried since I was 20 about dying of heart disease or cancer because of family history. My Grandma died of cancer before I was born; my Grandpa died of cancer when I was 4. He lived with us at the time and I loved him dearly. They weren't that old, either; I think mid 60's and early 70's, respectively. My other Grandpa, who I was very close to, died of a heart attack in his living room when I was 11 years old; he was, I believe, about 69 or 70. My own father had a heart attack when I was 14, and another took his life when I was 20. He was 61 when he died. And then my mother died of cancer at 57.

Part of why I wanted to lose weight in the first place was to extend my life. And to avoid going through having cancer or heart disease... even though weight loss and healthy diet are no guarantee against either. I just wanted to stack the odds in my favor. And then came the knee issues: severe degenerative arthritis, where the orthopedic surgeon told me I'd be walking with a cane soon (at 38) if I didn't "do something."

So I did something, and am still doing something. I want to live my best life, and every day I make choices that I hope will lead me to a better, longer, healthier life. And for now I am taking one day at a time... in fact, on moment at a time right now. Little changes, like deciding not to add salt to my food, or eating beans instead of beef, do make a difference. I have also spent a lot of time perfecting the "so what?" response to my inner brat. Yesterday when I got a chance to take a walk outside, part of me said, "I am too tired, I only got 3 hours of sleep." And the other part of me said, "so what?" And I went for the walk. Last week, part of me thought, "The kids asked for hot dogs, I really like hot dogs!" and the other part of me said "so what?" and just bought the acorn squash and mustard greens and bananas I went to the store for. And a few days ago when part of me was DEMANDING to eat the last few servings of low fat chocolate ice cream we had in the house for a birthday last week, I grabbed the container and started running hot water in it, OVER the ice cream, saying "so what?" to the inner child who was shouting "I want to eat that ice cream!!"

I hope that someday I will look back over this journey and see that each step I took really did bring me closer to my goal. I hope my knees will heal themselves when I get the weight off. I hope I don't develop heart disease or cancer. I am trying every day to focus on THAT big picture whenever I make a choice of what to put in my mouth or where to direct my steps. And I do hope my journey helps you in some way, whether your path is the same as mine or not.

Clarification

Good morning. After 3 consecutive nights with 3-4 hours of sleep (sick kid), I am sort of mentally out of it, but wanted to clarify a couple of things because I'm still getting comments and emails regarding the gastric bypass question from folks who are super worried that I am going to do something so drastic, and others who seem totally shocked I'd consider it.

*I am not considering gastric bypass, or any other weight loss surgical procedure.*

When I asked what you'd say to me IF I said I was considering it, I was 1) trying to get feedback on what readers might think of a drastic change to my weight loss approach, and 2) hoping for a range of reaction and information that would bring insight to those who ARE considering it, and also those who are not.

It was really powerful, to me, to see the answers from those absolutely opposed to those in full support. Really. Go back there and read the comments and see the kinds of things people have gone through, the deep emotions on this issue, and what people have to consider and the feedback they get when considering surgery. I think it is usually sheer desperation that leads on to such a choice, and in such cases, really, when a person is in such a state to be willing to go through the risk and difficulties of this kind of surgery, they are most in need of compassion and support (of course, helping them be fully informed in their decision is important!)

I should have realized that the answers would be tainted a bit because you'd be applying them to *me* in my circumstance, and I have lost a good chunk of weight and kept it off for a long time now, and I am no longer morbidly obese. So a lot of folks advised against it based on that. Which makes sense. As I said, I don't think I am a candidate for surgery, either.

But I may be a candidate for trying the "prepackaged meal" program I mentioned. Maybe. I have been struggling for almost 2 years now to get back down past 225. I do need to change *something.*

Over the last couple of days, I decided that MY desperation should NOT be the deciding factor for choosing some new program. I don't think feeling like crap emotionally about some random event (palpitations) is a good reason to change plans. However I am still considering it because I am curious. In the meantime, while I give myself a few days to research and decide, I am focusing all my energy on eating healthy foods and moving. I know I *can* do this. I really have to push myself lately, is all.

My eating has been very good, still Twittering about my meals. Scale says 232 this morning.

I might post again later after I get back from the doctor with my daughter.

Why the Question.

Yesterday, I asked a question. It was, "What would you say if I told you I was considering gastric bypass surgery?" And I got a huge response that totally floored me. So I want to explain why I asked the question... what was behind it.

I've mentioned before that I have had heart palpitations over the past decade, usually not too bad and usually if I eat a lot of produce and skip junk I don't get them as much. I've seen a doctor and a cardiologist. But I had one really upsetting episode with an arrhythmia that put me in the ER when I weighed 278 pounds. (If you really want to understand the terror of this problem for me, you can read this post from way, way back when I was only about a month into losing weight). So, I have not had any MAJOR arrhythmias in a couple of years.

The other day I woke up, felt great, made myself a bowl of steel cut oatmeal with bananas and almonds and sat down to a great healthy breakfast. Except before I started to eat, I went in the fridge for milk and saw bloody raw meat juice dripping down all the shelves. Leaky stew package, ick. So I spent half an hour emptying and scrubbing the fridge, and wayyyyy in the back at the bottom, lying sideways, I found a bottle of Starbucks mocha frappuccino. Must have been there forever. I thought about dumping it but hadn't had coffee in awhile so I decided to have it with my oatmeal. Bad idea on a lot of levels... but I have a thing for sweet coffee.

I sat down with my oats and coffee. I sucked it down. About 10 or 15 minutes went by and I felt my heart kick into double beats. I coughed (which is supposed to stop the racing) but it didn't stop. Thud thud thud. I mean SUPER fast and thumping out of my chest. Coughed more, took deep breaths, started to get lightheaded. EXACTLY like that time I went to the ER. I calmly took some herbal remedies. I chewed some aspirin. I sat still. It kept pounding, on and on. It was not slowing or stopping and was skipping beats and then racing and honestly it became terrifying at about 2 minutes in. I got the phone poised to call 911. I wondered if it was going to stop. I wondered if I was going to have a heart attack. (It was not a panic attack... I used to have them long ago and this is different... the cardiologist explained and I have not had a panic attack in ages). So I sat there, watching my daughter play, wondering what I should do, thinking, "oh my gosh. Maybe it is too late. I have screwed around and stayed fat and not fixed my health and now, now I might end up back in the ER." After 3 or 4 minutes, suddenly my heart just 'jumped' back into normal rhythm. I sat there waiting for it to happen again, but it didn't. But I was exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. My chest felt heavy and tired. And I cried and cried. I hit a new rock bottom regarding my weight. I haven't felt so desperate/frustrated/helpless in a long, long time.

I've been dealing with other stuff, family health problems, 3 sick kids at this point, PMS, not getting enough sleep. I've been up the past 2 nights most of the night with my daughter who has a 104 fever. One son was sick last week, another woke up sick today. But yesterday, when I was sitting around drained from the arrhythmias and feeling so utterly bad that I have ruined my body in so many ways (like my knees that are SHOT), I just wondered, "how am I going to do this? What am I supposed to do NOW?" I was too scared to exercise or do anything to get my heart rate up in case it would flip out again.

And in my inbox was an email from a major weight loss company, offering to provide me product if I will blog my progress. So them mental gymnastics began. "I need this weight off NOW for my health. I need to get a good chunk off FAST so I can continue. I need to do SOMETHING different." I thought about gastric bypass. I thought about LAP band. I wondered what you guys would think about me taking some kind of a drastic turn from my "whole foods, produce based, work for it" approach. So I put it out there.

"What would you say if I told you I was considering gastric bypass surgery?"

I wanted to get REAL feedback from people I think sort of know me and where I am coming from. Many of you I've come to trust and value your opinions. I wondered if I'd get an overwhelming state of shock that I would stray from my usual mindset, or if, perhaps, it really IS time to do something drastic to get past that 225 pound barrier I have been up against for over a year now. I've thought about LAP band before; and really, in my saner moments I *had* decided against it for two simple reasons: 1) it won't fix what's going on in my head and I worry I would drink milkshakes to get around the band, and 2) I have NO ONE who could care for my children properly if I were unable, and since they are from two marriages, if anything happened to me they would be split up to different parts of the country and I don't think they'd be well cared for. I can't stand the thought. So I decided I cannot take the risk for my kids' sakes.

Yet who has been morbidly obese and not ever considered it? Don't most people think about it and wonder? And as I see all the AMAZING information rolling in to answer that question, I think the responses to that post are going to stand as a valuable resource to anyone who comes through this blog considering gastric bypass. I have not seen such a concise, distinct set of input anywhere else on the web... answers from both sides, positives, negatives. Thank you for all the input and information because I know it is going to help a lot of people.

And thank you for the outpouring of support. Through it all I think many sensed my desperation, worried about me, knew there was something *behind* the question (as I did not say "I am considering it" but "what would you say?") And in many of the answers I have drawn strength and felt such compassion and seen successes and struggles that make me feel like we are all in this together no matter what path we take to lose the weight.

I wondered when I posted the question, "Does it really matter how one loses the weight, if it comes off and stays off?" Of course HOW it comes off may determine whether it stays off, but why is it that if you stand 3 normal-weight people in a room, and each has lost 100 pounds, the general public:

1) *assumes* they had surgery or used pills to lose the weight
2) gives some kind of moral superiority to the person who "did it on her own" without surgery or pills or a diet program?

Why is it that the person who lost weight via surgery is somehow seen (by some) as weaker or less successful than the one who did it by counting calories and walking?

Why is it that the person who does it on meal replacements, liquid diet, or some other supplement program is not seen in as high esteem as the one who just ate less and exercised more?

Is it because people assume you CANNOT change your lifestyle without some kind of intervention? So they are in awe, somehow, that people can just change their lives on their own?

Isn't it just as hard if not more so to live life after weight loss surgery as it is without? I dunno, I don't really understand the prejudice out there. Thoughts?

I am not going to have surgery. I think it is an amazing tool and have respect for you who have used it. I think we all have to find a path that works for us.

I get approached by a lot of diet companies to try their products and do a review on my blog. From dieter's coffee to weight loss bars to hypnosis CDs to pills, I've heard it all. I turn down almost all of these products because I believe there is no magic pill. My main policy when considering reviews is that I will NOT try anything that could be harmful such as pills containing ingredients that are questionable. But I *have* tried some things that are benign, just so I can blog about them and tell you not to waste your money. But what about a program that features meal replacements for 2 meals a day plus snacks, and has you eat your own lean protein and lots of vegetables for dinner? No drugs, no herbs, no stimulants, no magic ingredients, just portion control, low sugar, high protein, low carb, 1000 calories a day. Maybe?

My main thought against it is that it costs $300 a month (free for me, but do I want to promote something that might make people thing they need to spend that kind of money to lose weight?) Do I want to veer off my whole foods plan and do prepackaged stuff for a month or two so I can see 20 or 30 pounds drop off? Maybe it would be helpful, because I am ALL about unbiased reviews. If it tasted like crap I'd say so. If I was hungry I'd admit it. I'd be blunt and honest. Maybe it would help people decide who are considering this plan. Honest reviews can be hard to find. And perhaps it would get me out of my plateau. But I am not willing to change this blog into some kind of promo for a program, whether it works or not. So I dunno. Do your thoughts about a *drastic* change to lose weight change when we are talking about that kind of program versus bypass? I have felt just desperate enough to consider such a change, lately. I just don't know. My heart, my self, knows that eating whole foods, nourishing my body with fresh healthy produce is *the* answer. Would doing a product review for a month get me into the 2-teens again, help me get my energy back, drop some pounds off my knees so I can *do* more when I get back to my healthy eating plan? Or would it just screw things up even more?

All input is appreciated and I do realize what a valuable resource I have in all of you, who care and give me feedback honestly and freely. I hope what I write is of some benefit to you as well. I don't just write this blog for me anymore. I care about the people who read it.

Scale is down 2 pounds to 233.

Question

What would you say if I told you I was considering gastric bypass surgery?

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Portion Control

It's that day of the week again: time to work on a new healthy habit to mold our lives into what we desire. This week we are going to pay attention to our portions sizes. To read the details of this challenge, click here. Then come back and read the rest of this post.

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How do you do with portion control? What works for you, and what doesn't?

For me, portion control DOES NOT WORK with things like Oreos, donuts, Little Debbie Cakes. There is no way I am going to sit down and eat 3 Oreos. Ever. If I open that bag, you can bet at least one "row" of Oreos is going to get eaten immediately, if not the entire bag. So, for me, my "portion control" for Oreos is "1 serving = 0 cookies." It just has to be that way. I lose control with those things.

I do slightly better with things like potato chips or pieces of candy or even cake. But the easiest thing for me to control and eat ONE portion of is the healthier options: whole grain crackers, fruit, unsalted nuts, dairy (I have a cheese problem occasionally), veggies and lean meats and beans, etc. So try and establish what foods are just not controllable and don't bring bags of them in the house.

Whenever my kids ask me "how many of these can I have?" about some food, I respond, "how many are in a serving?" and make them go back and look at the box to see what a serving is. I want them to be aware that a huge bowl of crackers is NOT a serving, and if they choose a big bowl they should know they are getting 2 or even 3 servings, and be able to tell me that. Educated choices.

Small containers are such a huge help to me for controlling portions. If you eat from a small bowl, you generally eat less and still feel satisfied. Drink from a small cup if you're having a beverage with calories. Serve yourself a smaller portion than you *think* you want, and tell yourself that you can go back for seconds 10 minutes after you finish eating if you like.

I'm doing pretty well with my eating. No major junk lately. I'm strength training and feeling stronger which motivates me to eat well. The sun is starting to come out and I am getting in some yard work which cheers me up a lot! I am not feeling especially well today, but I'm still going to lift. Scale says: just under 235.

On Being An Embarrassment

This morning, I realized that my youngest child will be starting kindergarten in just six months. Wow, where did the time go? How did my baby get so big? I know I will cry my eyes out after I drop her off the first day. My babies, all turning into big kids and then adults. So bittersweet. Anyway, I was thinking about my weight in regards to her schooling. Specifically, how hard it can be on a child to have an obese parent. Now, I know this is going to piss some people off, but hear me out. Yes, kids love their parents regardless of how they look. But it is hard to have a parent who varies significantly from "the norm." Kids can, and do, feel embarrassed by their parents and get taunted by their cruel peers about them.

When I was a little girl, I, of course, loved my parents. I was proud of them. I was so excited when they'd come to school. Everything was fine until some kid in about second grade saw my father coming in to drop me off. My Dad was 41 years old when I was born, and he was completely bald quite early in life. This kid, he asked me if my Dad was my Grandpa. I said "No, that was my father" and the kids busted out laughing. And then a couple of kids made it a point to make fun of my "old, bald" father at every opportunity. It sucked. I even stopped wanting my Dad to go do things with me for a while. Of course, now I look back and feel bad about that, but I was a kid. And I just didn't want to be teased.

And then my mother came to school and I got teased about my "big fat" mother. And then I felt bad about that, too. Boys would say "You're gonna grow up to be fat like your mother!" and laugh. Kids are cruel, for sure. And I was suddenly feeling pretty embarrassed about my parents, even though I loved them deeply. I just wished they looked like the other parents so I wouldn't be singled out.

I seem to have recreated a similar dilemma for my daughter. When my boys were smaller, I was smaller, too. I gained weight as they went through school, and if anyone ever teased them about their "fat mother," they never told me about it. I'm sure they wouldn't. But my preschool daughter not only has an older father who may be mistaken for a grandpa, but also a fat mother. I don't think my daughter has noticed that her father is older and her mother is fat yet. Kids don't care about that kind of thing, really. They just love and accept. But I do not want to be the cause of my child being taunted. I want her to be proud of me. I want to be a normal-sized Mom, who, although being 40 years old (which is about 15 years older than most of her friends' mothers), can look pretty young at a reasonable weight. I do not want to walk into Kindergarten wearing frumpy clothes with holes in the thighs, with my face breaking out from grease and sugar and my undyed greying hair topping a head slung with extra chins. I don't want to be the "fat mom." I want to look good for my kids. Heck, I want to be ALIVE for my kids. I want to be healthy and active and I want them to be proud of me.

So part of my motivation right now is to drop some significant weight by the fall when she starts school. I ate pretty well today but I can't express how tired I am of the whole calorie counting (or carb counting or meal prepping or the whole FOOD THINKING) thing. I have been doing this for two and a half years now and yeah, it gets tedious some days. But I am just plugging along, doing what I gotta do.

Today I drank too much coffee and had heart palpitations. It sucks, truly. It's scary and exhausting. I *have* seen a cardiologist and they are "benign," but still scary when they come on suddenly like that. I know caffeine is a trigger. My fault. I will back off the caffeine.

Still posting my food on Twitter. Thank you all for the support and kindness :)

Today

After that rant I wrote last night, I went to bed and mulled over a lot of things in my head. Should I go back to South Beach? Maybe do phase 1 for awhile until I get some pounds off? I've done South Beach so many times and always gained the weight back later, even when I dropped 40 pounds. I was considering it... then thought I should stick with what I KNOW works which is calorie counting. Or maybe I should starve myself. Nah... I like food too much to starve myself. I actually tried to be an anorexic when I was a teenager (yes, I was clueless, and didn't have any idea how serious anorexia is, and I tried to just eat a cup of plain yogurt and an apple every day but I just could not do it). I got up this morning and thought, well, I just bought those Minneola tangelos and if I do South Beach I won't be able to eat them. Eh. I will just focus on eating "real foods" and counting calories and being active.

So I had some real food (tea, fresh local eggs from free range chickens, whole wheat toast with homemade butter made from the cream of grass fed local cows, and half a Minneola). I had my green tea, I got busy doing stuff. Lunch was leftover chicken breast, cabbage, onions, broccoli and garlic. I had a banana as a snack. I wanted a Coke something fierce but didn't cave. And I spent some time prepping a delicious Real Food dinner:

I browned some chicken wings and thighs in olive oil with rosemary, garlic, black pepper, and sea salt. I added water and simmered til the meat was tender. I strained the broth back into the pot, added carrots, onion, garlic, ginger, parsley and celery tops. I picked the meat off the bones and put the bones back into the broth and simmered it for a couple hours to make a rich stock. I strained and defatted that, then added the meat back in with some fresh chopped carrots, celery, zucchini, and potatoes and cooked until the veggies were tender. Delicious!

I also took the leftover white rice from the Chinese take out last night and made a creamy rice pudding rich with egg yolks and vanilla. I did sweeten it with sugar but not a lot. I think the kids will love it. I think I will have some myself.

So I will call today a good day: no overeating, no binges, no terribly insane cravings, no chemically processed foods except for about a half cup of low fat ice cream. Tomorrow will be even better.

Just a Rant...

Today was kinda crazy, great and scary all at once. I am sort of wondering why I am not sticking to my plan 100%... and wondering what the heck it will take to do that. I WANT it, I have a plan, I have the knowledge, I have the ability. Is it the chemical reactions of sugar and fat in my brain that is causing me trouble? Is it some hidden emotional issue I haven't tapped yet (although I have tapped A LOT)? Is it some flaw in me? Am I just too scared to lose the weight?

I dunno. It frustrates me when I "wake up" shoving food in my mouth that I never intended to be there. I mean, I will just be walking through the house and suddenly have a chunk of bread in my mouth. Or at a friend's house and discover I am eating chocolate kisses. Bad habit? Subconscious self-sabotage? Geez, I dunno. I am tired of analyzing it, and tired of muting the joy of a good day with these ridiculous slip ups. I just want to live a normal life!

Anyway, today went like this:

Got up, felt great, had my Chai tea with milk & agave nectar that I have every morning. Dished up a bowl of steel cut oats from the crockpot which I had prepped the night before. No sugar added, but I drizzled a teaspoon of honey over it and added a splash of milk. Tasted great. Felt energized. Drank a cup of green tea and started being productive.

Cleaned, made a birthday cake for a family member (I made it from a BOX, which is unheard of for me, but I don't like boxed cake mixes so this was my way of making sure I was not eating cake for days). Went outside and did yard work for over an hour. And I mean WORK!! I raked vigorously. The sweat was pouring off me. My heart was racing. It was a fantastic workout, it felt great, and my yard looks wonderful! Came inside drank some water and then found a cookie in my mouth. Seriously. I didn't even think about the dumb cookie and it belonged to my 17-year-old who is trying to GAIN weight. The cookie was all natural, healthy, yada yada but still I had no intention of eating a cookie.

Then I stuck with my plan to eat "real food" and had 2 nice slices of real whole wheat bread from a local bakery (no junk in this bread, very basic) with a bit of butter. I had a glass of milk (from grass fed cows, yummy) and a half cup of fresh, local, organic apple cider that tasted just like drinking an apple! So good.

Then we went on errands. I took my son to work, went shopping, went to visit a friend, and then it was 4pm and I obviously hadn't had enough protein. Picked up my son who was hungry. We stopped at a little shop and had a small cheese steak. I ate a few of my son's fries. I drank half a Coke. Why?? Because I wanted a Coke... I love the stuff. Do I love it more than my health? More than losing weight? Geez, apparently. I mean, I don't think so but then in the moment it is like I would give my left arm for that Coke. I hate that feeling.

Even up to this point I was within my calories. Yes, I coulda had an apple instead of cider. I coulda had a chicken sandwich instead of cheese steak. I coulda, shoulda. But even til then I was ok, if I had what I was PLANNING to have for dinner (chicken and vegs).

Went home to cook dinner. Whoops, the stove is not working. The microwave went out and a new one is going in. Kitchen is inaccessible for cooking. Birthday Boy asked for Chinese so we ordered take out. I ordered chicken (breast) cooked with cabbage, broccoli, onions, and garlic... a good choice. It was delish. I had maybe 1/4 c rice with it but also delved into someone else's sweet and sour pork (the battered, fried greaseball kind). I had 4 balls of pork before I realized what I was doing. I was on, like, autopilot eating like I used to eat (but smaller portions). I stopped eating before I was full.

Then out came the cake and ice cream. I had half of a very small piece and a scoop of low fat ice cream but I didn't even like it. I ate it out of "respect" for the birthday person. WHY? Where is the respect for MYSELF?

After everyone dispersed and I was left alone with myself, I was sitting here and just went and got 3 cookies and another scoop of ice cream. And after I ate it I got mad and started ranting inside my head, telling myself there is something wrong with me, I have been stagnating about my weight for over a year, and why the hell can't I just DO THIS THING and quit dinking around and lose the damn weight?

I know this blog sounds angry, and 'down,' but in fact the overwhelming FEELING I have is one of determination. That I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to find a way. People are always saying, try this, try that. Just don't have anything 'bad' in your house. I can tell you, if I lived alone or just had small kids this would be a million times easier because I would have ONLY healthy foods in my cabinets and fridge. But I am not the sole shopper, and I am not the only person living here. Maybe if I told my son, who has a job and earns his own money to buy what he wants, "you can't have anything but apples and whole wheat bread," maybe then I'd lose weight. Or maybe he would just move out or go live with his Dad to get away from a mother who raised him on junk but expects him to suddenly eat 100% healthy foods. I do the best I can with these kids. Four of my kids are teenagers (one is almost 20). They have been very good and supportive of a lot of changes: skim milk instead of whole, whole grain crackers instead of Ritz, ground lean turkey in place of beef, light mayo instead of regular, veggies added to their meals, turkey sausages instead of pork, whole grain pasta instead of white, brown rice instead of Minute Rice. I used to keep them stocked in donuts and Oreos and ice cream and take them to McDonalds and Taco Bell. No more. They are good supportive kids and I am not going to be a diet nazi with them (although I kind of am with my daughter, who is 4, because I do not want her raised on junk the way they were). I also have a husband who, when he is here, brings in a lot of chips, snacks, high fat foods, sodas, etc and then eats them in front of me. I asked him to keep 'his' food in a special place where I wouldn't see it all the time but he won't. (No bashing, please, I know what he is). No matter what I say, the high cal foods roll in. I have to learn to deal with it and not eat it just because it is THERE. Just because other people have their junk does not mean I have to eat it. I really have got to just put a stop to eating "their" food.

Ah, this turning into quite the rant. Yet another look straight into my brain right from your monitor. Well, the bottom line is I want to lose the weight, so I am just going to keep working at it until I get it right. I wish it wasn't such a battle. I've done low carb, I've gotten off sugar, I've done just about every plan there is, I've gone to counseling, I've read almost every book anyone has suggested on this blog, I've done Beck, and yet here I am. I guess I already knew that there is no magic solution. The answer has to come from inside ME. I have it about 80% right, which is enough to maintain where I am. It's that other 20% that is hanging me up.

I WILL get it right.

Better

With a belly full of steel cut oats, I am feeling much better today. I'm heading out to do a ton of yard work. I LOVE yard work. It makes me so happy. So I think this will be a great day :)

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It is a good thing I have kids, because if I didn't, I would probably be at the grocery store buying a dozen donuts and 6 candy bars right now...

Update, and Mental Resources

Well, after seven days posting blogs of everything I ate, I totally burned out on that. It was getting tedious to me, because I like to write blogs about stuff that is on my mind and I was trying to do 2 blog posts a day, and I just don't have the time or mental resources to do that long term. I am going back to posting my menus on Twitter. It's just easier and I can post what I eat each day simply. I WILL post my calories and exercise on there as well each day. You can follow me on Twitter or you can just look over on the left side of my blog where it says "What I'm Eating Now." It updates in real time and you don't have to be on Twitter to see it!

Speaking of mental resources... I do a lot of reading and I think it was in the book "The End of Overeating" that I read about people burning out on dieting because they have a lot of stress or other things going on in their lives and they do not have the "mental resources" to deal with it all. That made a lot of sense to me. We can only do *so much* in a day, and we've all had that feeling like "I am already having a hard time coping with XYZ, I just CANNOT focus on cooking and eating healthy stuff too." People say "oh, that's just an excuse." In fact, I think we *do* have a limit on our mental resources and that is why if healthy eating is a HABIT that we do not have to think about, it gets done regardless. So the goal is to make it as automatic as possible to eat right and exercise. It isn't really about being "too tired" or whatever... it is more about feeling like you just cannot cope with one more thing.

For the last 3 days I have been sorta out of it. I feel like my brain was fried! I was emotionally at my wits end because of other stuff going on in my life right now plus having a sick kid. I started eating stuff I do not normally eat. In fact I went a little crazy.

Yesterday as I was racing around with the kids, running to schools and dentist appointments and dance classes and errands, I grabbed lunch at Walmart and just got what I wanted: a ham and cheese deli sub, a small bag of chips, and a bottle of Coke. I ate it in the car, followed by a Snickers bar. Then when I had to run MORE errands I stopped in a grocery store and got a donut and a Nanaimo bar and a vanilla latte. As I sat in the car downing THAT batch of sugar and fat, I thought, geez. I gotta knock this off. This is how I used to eat, and if I keep it up I will look how I used to look! Later at home I made a healthy dinner, ate it, and then had a Mars bar for dessert at 9pm.

Weirdness. I haven't had a day like that in... well... in as long as I can remember. It all tasted VERY good and I enjoyed it but you know what? I wanted more donuts and candy bars. I could have eaten at least 3 more of each. All in one day. I guess I may never lose my taste for that crap. Thankfully it is easier to turn it off and get back on plan now, since that kind of day feels like an irregularity that doesn't belong, rather than being my normal eating pattern like it was 3 years ago.

So I got on the scale and I weigh 235. Up one pound since the beginning of the month. I turned it back around already today so I am aiming to be back down in the 220's by March 1. I feel strong and confident and happy.

I am trying to focus, now, on eating more "real food" and not processed junk. Before I put anything in my mouth, I ponder, what is this? Is it real food? If it has a label, I read it. If there is corn syrup or chemicals or stuff I don't even know what it is, I don't eat it. I prefer stuff without a label (like the gorgeous mustard greens I bought yesterday). This morning I ate Bob's Red Mill Cereal Muesli for breakfast and then strength trained for 20 minutes. My arms always feel so great after I lift weights!

I'm going out for lunch today so watch my Twitter food space for an update on what I had! Have a great weekend.

Produce Section: Minneolas!

I was shopping for my usual groceries last week when I came across this in the produce section: Organic Minneolas. They were the most intense orange color, and the odd shape drew me over to investigate. I am not a big citrus fan, with the exception of Clementines and Ruby Reds; I really don't like oranges very much. This looked like a super-bright, extra-large orange with an odd growth, but since all of the Minneolas were shaped like this, I figured it was normal. So I brought one home.

I found out by Googling that a Minneola is NOT an orange after all. It is actually a type of "tangelo" that is a cross between a grapefruit and a tangerine. Interesting! One Minneola has 70 calories, 2 grams of fiber, 220 mg of potassium, 100% RDA of Vitamin C, and 80% RDA of folate.

It peeled easily and right away I noticed that the membrane was thinner than an orange, which is a big plus for me since the reason I don't like most citrus is an aversion to thick, tough, chewy, bitter membranes. As I separated it into segments, the thin membranes broke here and there and leaked out some juice... that is how thin the membranes were in places.

I took a bite and was pleasantly surprised. It tasted a lot like a sweet, slightly tart orange but with an interesting twist of flavor that I couldn't quite put a finger on; I did recognise a hint of grapefruit. The taste was not quite as intense as a Clementine; it was a bit more dilute and a lot more juicy. I really liked the texture. Plump and juicy. I did find 2 or 3 seeds but they were large and easy to pick out.

Would I buy it again? Yes, I would. I still like Clemetines better, but this runs a close second. And you get a lot more volume in one Minneola than you do in two Clementines for the same calories. I am giving the Minneola a thumbs up!

Fulfillment

I had the most wonderful time today outside doing yard work! Really, I feel like a completely new person. What is it about being outside, working, that makes me feel so alive? I don't know if it's the sun, the fresh air, the environment, or what, but the contrast in my state of mind is *amazing.*

There is just something about this kind of day that truly fulfils me. It doesn't really matter what I am doing outside; today I was scooping dog poo out of the yard and trimming trees. I started out not really wanting to be out there doing that. But once the poop was cleaned up and I started snipping and sawing at my trees, I started to feel so happy and invigorated. I reached up high and bent down low, trimming off the small branches that hang low or detract from the shape I desire in the tree's form; I find such great pleasure in stepping back and admiring my handiwork. I planted those trees... all of them... nine years ago. They were tiny little sticks when I bought them from the nursery and artfully arranged them in my front yard. Now, they tower nearly as high as my two-story house. They were born in my mind and have been tended carefully over the years to shape them into my vision of "home." Every time I pull into my driveway and look at them, I smile. Every day when I pull open my front drapes, I am happy. In the summertime, their thick green foliage blocks my view of the street and the neighbors and I feel like I live in a secluded little place of my own. One of my trees has another gift for me; I open the window and the fragrance of sweet flowers entrances me. I stand in my living room and gaze at the gorgeous pink blossoms and remember how, in my childhood home many states away, I would look out my bedroom window into the front yard to see the same beauty. I'd lie on my back in the grass in the shade of the mimosa and look up at its pink-and-green splendor, the blue sky above, and wonder what my future held. When I look at my tree, I feel at home. I feel whole. I really love my trees. They aren't just 'things' to me. I love them.

So as I trimmed and tended today, I felt such joy. I decided to take off a rather large branch and it took me quite a bit of effort to saw it off because of the angle at which is was growing; my blood was pumping, I was breathing hard. It was good exercise, and joyful. When I was finished, my arms were sore and I had a nice pile of branches at my feet and a healthy dose of sunshine in my heart.

I felt the same way when I hiked at the coast two years ago. I trudged through the forests and up into the hills; it was exhausting but wonderful. For me, nothing parallels the amazing sense of *being alive* that comes to me when I am working my body outdoors. Biking in the house is not the same; lifting weights isn't either. Both are fine exercise. But to benefit my very soul, I like to go out and rake, or shovel, or climb. Planting things, digging, reaching a destination... they feel like I am doing what I was *meant* to do.

I'd rather work than walk a treadmill; I'd rather lift rocks and branches that dumbbells. I'll do the latter, but I so prefer *real work.* I relish the sense of purpose and seeing the fruits of my labors.

Find joy in what you're doing. Life is just *amazing* when we live it. Plant something for your future and see what you can create with the power within you.

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Yummy Fat!

It's that day of the week again! Time to add a great new healthy habit to our lives for the Habit-a-Week Challenge! This week is a favorite of mine and one most folks enjoy because it about adding something yummy to our diets rather than taking it away. This week, we will eat more fat! Healthy fat, that is (which may be MORE actual fat than you are currently eating or may just be a similar amount but just subbing good fats for bad ones). For the details of this challenge, click here, read the post, and then come back and finish reading this one.

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Okay. Some of this is easy peasy. Instead of buying a bottle of corn oil or "vegetable oil" next time you are shopping, buy canola oil or a mildly flavored olive oil. You can sub them in pretty much any recipe. (Canola oil is lower in saturated fat and higher in monounsaturated fat and omega-3's than corn oil). The only oils I have in the house are canola and olive, and I try to use olive oil most of the time because it is the healthiest oil. Here is a great visual chart explaining the types of fats in various oils.

If you have never tried flax, this would be a great week to try it! I used to dislike flax because my experience with it was those tiny little whole flax seeds in certain cereals. But then I started buying Bob's Red Mill Golden Flaxseed Meal and I absolutely LOVE it! I add a tablespoon to my oatmeal or any kind of cereal or yogurt for a big nutritional boost and lots of healthy omega-3's. It can also be added to baked goods. It comes in a bag (see picture in link) and is usually in the health food section of the grocery store.

This week, try some walnuts in your oatmeal or yogurt. Or have a few as a snack with a couple of dark chocolate chips. Buy some heart-healthy natural almond butter to use instead of Jif. Have salmon for dinner one night. Buy an avocado and put some slices on a sandwich instead of cheese. Or just put some avocado cubes on your salad; I love avocado on a lean taco salad! Avocados are so good for you! You can mash it and use it as a substitute for mayonnaise.

What healthy fats will YOU eat this week? Share your favorites!

Getting To A New Level

A couple of years ago, life was different. I had a very sick baby who couldn't leave the house except for doctor's appointments and a few rare excursions. When I did go out, I was hauling not only the baby and her car seat, but also a large, heavy heart monitor attached to her by a short cord and a metal oxygen tank with tubing attached to her tiny face with medical tape. Every time I had to go out with her, I was in a near panic. What if the monitor battery failed? What if she stopped breathing? What if her heart monitor alarmed? I was kind of a basket case for awhile, but I was extremely focused on her care. I was absolutely living and breathing to make sure she was okay, including making sure she had all her meds on time, titrating her oxygen, and breastfeeding every 2 hours. But I still found time to eat. A lot.

The extreme inactivity of sitting in my living room all day, every day for months... tethered by an 8 foot cord to her monitors and oxygen tanks as I held her... it was rough. It put me back up around 280 pounds. I had been there before but in this new situation with the baby, well, losing weight just seemed hopeless to me. I couldn't leave her anywhere to exercise. Couldn't take her with me. So I sat. And ate. And became sad.

Later, when she was a toddler, a lot of her health issues calmed down and I was given the okay to start living a relatively normal life with her. She was about two when I started this blog weighing 278 pounds. And I had to adjust to a new way of living. I did, and it shows.

My life at 278 pounds:
Sitting on the couch for about 90% of my waking hours
Going outside very rarely, maybe once a week
Eating a lot, mostly junk food, without any thought
Snacking constantly
Binge eating regularly
No exercise
Inability to walk further than to the mailbox and back

I was almost to the Walmart motorized cart stage.

In order to maintain at 225-235 pounds, I am:
Sitting on the couch a lot less, but still too much: maybe 30% of my waking hours
Going outside daily, weather permitting
Counting calories about 80% of the time, averaging 1800 cal/day
Binge eating about once or twice a month
Eating much less, mostly healthy food, with 99% thoughtfulness
Having an "off" day (not usually planned) about 4-5 days a month
Exercising 30 minutes about 3 times a week
Able to walk about 2 miles if I am not injured or in a lot of pain

I have an almost normal life now, I believe. Activity level wise, anyway.

Now, to take this further, I know what it takes to lose and maintain around 214 pounds, because I have done it:
Sitting on the couch reduced to about 20% of my waking hours
Counting calories nearly 100% of the time, averaging 1600 cal/day
Binge eating once a month or less
Eating the way I do now, but with less "off" days... pretty much none
Exercise 30 minutes 6 days a week

So I aim for the above, in order to reduce my weight.

(I know the whole "sitting on the couch" thing may seem like a LOT of time to be sitting, but I do have severe degenerative arthritis, bone spurs in my knees, and a torn meniscus, all of which require frequent stretches of being off my feet throughout the day. I use the time to read, blog, clip coupons, and read to my child.)

Part of my thought process though, is "how hard am I going to have to work to get UNDER 200 pounds?" I mean, I was doing the above on a regular basis when I was in the two-teens JUST to maintain that weight. I imagine that to get to 180 pounds I'll have to cut back to 1500 calories a day with nearly NO off days, no binges, 100% on plan and increase the exercise significantly. And to get to 160? I can't even imagine how much change that will take.

Part of me really dreads it all. Part of me wonders if it is going to be worth it. Part of me is scared to even try. After all, I have not been 160 pounds in almost 20 years. It's kind of scary.

But for now, I am just trying to maintain that level that will get me to 214 again.

What changes do YOU need to make to get to the next level?

Feb 7 Meals & Activity

Well, it started out good anyway.

Breakfast:
Chai tea with 1/2 c milk and 2 tsp agave nectar
1 mini bagel (100 calorie) with 1 ounce light cream cheese and 4 slices razor thin deli ham
1 Ruby Red grapefruit

Lunch:
1 cup homemade macaroni and cheese made with Fiber Wise high fiber pasta
1 cup steamed broccoli & cauliflower

Snack:
3/4 c mixed fresh fruit (melon, berries, grapes, pineapple)

Then I got a phone call that stressed me out. If I could go into detail, you'd understand. Trust me on this one. I just got my train knocked off the tracks again. More life changes coming this week. Pray for me if you don't mind.

I began pacing around wanting to eat. I was upset and trying SO hard to comfort myself in other ways. I played with my kids. I cleaned. I went outside in the sunshine and did yard work for half an hour. Then I came in and made cinnamon rolls out of low fat crescent roll dough.

Food I Can't Call a Snack or a Meal:
2 low fat crescent rolls baked with cinnamon sugar and glazed with frosting
cup of milk
cheese... maybe 3 ounces
1 banana
1 mini bagel with cream cheese
100 calorie bag of microwave popcorn with 1T butter melted over it (brilliant huh?)
cup of apple juice
handful of trail mix

The above food was not shoveled in, actually, and was not eaten one thing after another. It was kind of like I was trying to distract myself from being upset, and kept picking at things every 20 minutes or so. It was consumed over the entire afternoon and evening, between about 2pm and 9pm. I was feeling like I needed the comfort of the food. And it did comfort me, but I am certainly not pleased that THAT is how I did it. This has to change. I don't do it nearly as often as I used to but I really have got to learn not to use this as a coping mechanism! Ever!

Dinner:
1 small sloppy joe (homemade from extra lean 4% beef with pinto beans mixed in)
1 baby carrot
1 bite of pineapple

Man am I tired. But I do think my foot and joints will be able to handle more exercise this week if I take something for the pain when needed. My goal is to bike every day, walk 2x/week, strength train 3x/week, and do Wii Fit with my daughter at least once a week.

I feel better and focused again already. I am ready for a fantastic week, regardless of my changing circumstances.

Feb 6 Meals, and Deep Sadness at the Root of My Weight

I had a really great day today. I woke up WITHOUT a headache, well rested, and happy. I spent the day out and about, having fun with my little girl. We played and got plenty of sunshine which is good for the soul, and I really enjoyed being active with her. It was the best day I have had in a long time.

Breakfast:
Chai tea w/milk & agave nectar
1/2 c scrambled Egg Beaters on 1 slice of whole wheat toast with 1 slice of light American cheese and thinly sliced ham
1 Clementine

Snack:
a few pieces of my daughter's popcorn

We went out to Applebee's for lunch:
unsweetened iced tea w/lemon
Paradise Chicken salad (grilled chicken, apples, mandarins, pineapple, pico de gallo over a bed of greens with Balsamic Vinaigrette)
2 french fries and 2 bites of a grilled cheese sandwich (kid's)
Hot Fudge sundae "shooter" mini dessert

Dinner:
1 hot dog on a bun w/mustard
3/4 c fresh fruit (grapes, melons, pineapple, berries)
1 oz cheddar cheese
1/2 mini bagel w/ 1T low fat strawberry cream cheese

I was hungry in the evening so I had a snack which put me over my calorie goal for the day (I aim for 1700) but I am ok with it. I ate under 1700 every other day this week so it will all pan out.

Snack:
Shredded wheat (plain) w/drizzle of lavender honey, 1 banana, milk
4 orange essence prunes

Total calories for today: 2316

Side note: My lunch at Applebee's was completely satisfying on every level and left me perfectly satisfied but not at all overfull. It was 882 calories. I was thinking while I was in there about the last meal I had at Applebee's before I started this weight loss journey. It was:

Pepsi (with one and a half refills) 500
appetizer: Mozzarella Sticks (shared... I ate half) 502
Cowboy Burger 840
Onion Rings 375
8 to 10 fries off my son's plate 100
I dipped the fries in Ranch dressing 150
Maple Butter Blondie (one of my favorite foods. I would eat this all myself. I still am not quite sure why I was never embarrassed to eat this looking like I did. I am, frankly, embarrassed for myself now for doing that then). 763

The total calorie count for that meal is 3230.

Now, I have no idea how I fit all of that into my stomach. Now, I would be absolutely sick not only from the sugar and fat and salt but from the sheer volume of it all. I know my stomach has shrunk dramatically. I know I was in some kind of self destruct mode before without always realizing it. Sometimes, I'd be sitting in my car at 2:30 having my Big Mac Meal "snack" before going to pick up my kids from school, and I'd get this fleeting thought: "I wonder if I am going to die from eating this?" I'd get heart palpitations. I'd feel sick. But I ate it anyway. I gained 80 pounds in less than a year, and I kept on eating it. I think on some level I was oblivious to it all and just immersed in the food, but on another level I think I hated myself. I think I felt like I deserved to be fat, to be unhappy, to hurt. I was really sad.

I think maybe for me it was a lot like cutting. I was never a cutter, myself, but I've been acquainted with some. A cutter is someone who cuts themselves. For what? Well, some say to dull the emotional pain or distract from other hurts. Some say they cut to feel alive because feeling that is better than being numb (emotionally). There's something really sad going on with the typical young teen girl who cuts. But I related to that, when I was eating.

It's the sadness of the drunk, immersed in his poison. Of a gambler, pockets emptied and spirit drained yet again after a night of forgetting. It's the pain of the cutter, the addict, the woman waking in her bed alone after another regretful one night stand. It's all the same sadness, I think.

Flashes of that sadness come to me, still, sometimes, and I let them slide over me and go on their way. I can't embrace them anymore. I am not that person anymore. I have my share of sadness, but it no longer defines me, engulfs me, drives me to self-injury.

I'm not quite sure what changed, but there is definite change. The joy I have in my heart... in my life... is now my norm. Even on my bad days when I am whiny and complaining, I am not sad like that anymore. Now that I think about it, I guess what changed was that I took control. Control of my life, my emotions, my situation, my eating. And I started loving myself. That made all the difference.

Don't let the sadness drive you down. Please know if you are desperately trying to change your life... or even if you're not because you don't believe in yourself yet... please know you can be happy someday. I hate to think there are other people out there living like I used to live, but I am sure I am not the only one. I wish I could reach out and pull you out of that undertow that is pulling you under. I wish no one ever had to feel that desperation. But please know that if you put your feet down there is firm ground underneath you. There is a beautiful life ahead for you. Go towards it. Don't give up. It is so worth it.

Feb 5 Meals & Activity

Five days without a sugar festival. The fog is lifting.

Breakfast:
Chai tea w/milk & agave nectar
2 eggs over easy
1 whole wheat toast w/ 1/2T butter
half of a Minneola tangelo (post coming!)

Lunch 1:
Matrix Chocolate Protein shake

I was running out the door to do errands and didn't want to wait to make myself something more complex, so I had the shake and a second lunch when I got home.

Lunch 2:
footlong Subway veggie delite (cucumbers, lettuce, green peppers, red onions, pickles, tomatoes, black olives, pepperjack cheese, & fat free honey mustard dressing)
Red Rooibos vanilla tea w/milk & agave nectar
Dulce de Leche Nip (hard candy, 30 calories)

Then it was back out the door to my daughter's class. When I came home I didn't feel well, was sneezing and chilled. I had a mild headache most of the day. To top it off my knee with the torn meniscus was hurting me all night last night (woke me up 3 times) and all day today. Right now it aches terribly. I ran out of Aleve and was using Advil and it is not cutting it. My whole leg hurts right now. I am in the middle of applying for health insurance so we'll see what happens after that and I can go back to the orthopedic surgeon. No exercise today.

At dinnertime I wanted to eat a block of cheese. I know that sounds crazy, but I have a major thing for cheese. I have, in the past, eaten a half pound of cheese in one sitting. It is one of my major binge foods but also one of my favorite foods in the whole world and not something I am willing to give up completely. I usually can control myself pretty well with it. It isn't crack like Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls are. But I still every so often really want to eat an entire block of cheese. I decided not to ignore my desire for cheese but not to go nuts either.

Dinner:
1 ounce of medium cheddar
2 T low fat onion & chive cream cheese
6 All Bran crackers
6 Fiber Select crackers
1/2 dill pickle

Snack:
1/2 Minneola tangelo

Total calories for today: 1615

Feb 4 Meals & Activity

Don't miss the link at the end of this post.

Breakfast:
Chai tea with milk & agave nectar

Then I was running around crazy and forgot to eat. Thursdays are very busy days for me. I grabbed my Starbucks Free Oatmeal coupon on the way out the door. Picked up breakfast and ate it at my daughter's class:

Starbucks Perfect Oatmeal with nuts & half of a brown sugar packet
Starbucks Tall Vanilla Latte (I threw out the last 4 ounces or so. I was full.)

Then we went shopping and ran errands. I walked around the mall a bit. While I walked I was thinking about how not so long ago, every trip to the mall involved a slice (or two, sometimes) of Sbarro's sausage pizza, a Ceasar salad, a whipped-cream-topped iced mocha, a cranberry bar, a big soft pretzel, and an entire Cinnabon for when I got home. Yikes. This time I got my kid a pretzel but I didn't eat anything. Then we went home.

Lunch:
Chicken, pasta, broccoli, carrots, & Brussels sprouts (1.25 c)
6 Fiber Select crackers & an ounce of Cheddar cheese
1 fresh red pear
green tea

Snack:
Simply Well lemon ginger pudding cup

Then we went out to another class for an hour.

Dinner:
Lean Cuisine meatloaf & potatoes
1 c. steamed broccoli & cauliflower
1 slice whole wheat bread w/light canola butter

Total calories today: 1563. No formal exercise but I was active and on my feet a lot. I feel better overall, only had a mild headache for part of the morning. I feel like eating a lot but I know from past experience that it's hormonal (I am mid-cycle). Still kinda tired and achy.

If you haven't read my post earlier today about why I got started losing weight, scroll down and check it out. Then you can read this post about me going to a different beach just one year later:
A Vacation To Remember.

Gnite!

Why I Started

There are a lot of reasons for a person to start a weight loss journey. Some people start because of the way they feel, or for health reasons, or because their clothes don't fit. In my life, I had a lot of things happen to me because of my weight and overeating of junk.

-Giving up rollerblading because my cankles were too big
-Falling to the ground in front of a crowd of parents at a baseball game because my lawn chair collapsed under me
-Having no clothes to wear that did not have holes worn through the inner thighs
-Being surrounded by frantic doctors and nurses as I was wheeled though the emergency room on a metal table because they thought I was having a heart attack
-Wearing a heart monitor 24/7 for 2 weeks to see what was wrong with me
-Having constant, ugly pimples and skin eruptions from eating so much sugar and grease
-Watching a stranger grab my toddler just before she got to a busy street because I could not catch up to her when she ran away from me, even as hard as I tried to run
-Being unable to go up and down stairs to tuck my children into bed
-Knocking an entire glass shelf full of knick knacks down in a store when I caught it with my giant hip fat
-Not fitting on the rides at the fair
-Being unable to walk a block to take my kids to the park
-Having to sleep propped up in a sitting position every night to avoid waking up choking on half digested food coming back up my throat
-Needing a scan of my leg and not being able to fit it in the machine brace
-Having dangerously high blood pressure

I have written in detail about a lot of those things on my blog. But none of those things drove me to lose the weight. I stayed around 280 pounds and didn't really get motivated to change until the summer of 2007. We were taking a vacation together as a family to a lovely spot on the west coast. There was an amazing black sand beach we all wanted to go to for the day, so we drove there and got out of the car. As soon as I saw the cliffs I would have to trudge down to get to the water, I knew it was impossible. But there was a handicapped access point, so we got back into the car and my husband drove me down there. I got out and he drove back up to park in the regular lot, since we didn't have a handicapped placard. We all walked down to the beach, but even using the handicapped access point, it was just too much for me. It was excruciating. I was panting and blowing, pausing every minute or two because walking in the sand was almost impossible for me with my morbidly obese, out-of-shape body and arthritic knees. It wasn't very far to the water; the kids ran ahead and were there in a minute. But I trudged closer, sweating, heart racing, feeling quite sick from the exertion. Everyone wanted to stay and enjoy the beach. I couldn't walk another step. I couldn't go walking down the beach with my kids to explore and throw rocks in the ocean. I couldn't laugh and play with them. I couldn't do *anything.* I stood there for a few minutes. There was no driftwood, no big rocks to sit on. I needed to sit down... my knees were killing me. I couldn't stand there for much longer, and I had serious doubts if I could walk back to the parking lot. After about 10 minutes I called the kids in and said "time to go." Some vacation, huh? I hauled myself back up the beach and thought I would die trying to get to the car. It was truly miserable. I couldn't enjoy that exquisite beach with my kids. We went back to our lodgings and their older cousins took them out to the beach every day after that while I sat in the house or on the deck.

That happened in the summer of '07. Those pictures on the top of my page... the before pictures... were taken by me, in the beach house while my kids were down playing on the beach. I knew they were before pictures when I took them. I knew I was going to lose the weight for good. I never wanted to feel like that again.

That's why I began this journey. I will never go back to that state of living. I may not be thin, but I can walk a couple of miles now. I don't break chairs when I sit in them, and I can fit in rides at the fair with my kids. I can wear nice clothes and sleep lying down like a normal person. I can walk on the beach. I can live.

Feb 3 Meals & Activity

Here we go again with the meals.

Breakfast:
Chai tea w/milk & agave nectar
1 T peanut butter on 1 slice whole wheat toast
1 Ruby Red grapefruit w/a drizzle of lavender honey (see previous post re: grapefruit)
lemon green tea

Lunch:
Kashi Mayan Harvest Bake. This is a frozen meal I had stuck in my freezer from awhile back. It was pretty good as far as frozens go. I liked the plantain and amaranth but wouldn't buy this meal again. Too blah and too spicy all at the same time.

I came home from taking my child to preschool, going to my doctor's appointment (recheck on the cervical issues) and running errands and I was cold and tired and hungry. But I made myself take a walk outside. My desire and motivation to take this walk in the cold was ZERO. But I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I told myself "I will just go to the end of the block" and then "I will just go a little further around the corner" and then "I will just go partway up the hill" until I had done a mile.

Snack:
string cheese

Then I went back to get my daughter from preschool. When I got home I was FAMISHED. I could've eaten the house. I had a second snack:
baby carrots, 2 T hummus, 1.5 servings of Cheez-Its

I wanted to eat that whole box of Cheez Its. But I controlled myself and drank a lot of water. Later I got chilled and made myself a cup of tea with 2T milk and 1 tsp honey.

Dinner:
2 eggs (from local, free range chickens) over easy
1 whole wheat toast w/butter
1 sliced kiwi fruit

And then for dessert, I shared a Quaker Breakfast Cookie with my daughter.

Total calories for today: 1615

I cannot bike. My joints are hurting SO bad. I *hate* arthritis, hate it, hate it! Every joint in my body aches and I am out of Aleve. But I got that walk in so I feel good about that. This morning the scale said 231.