Aha!

Just a brief thought, posted late on Sunday night...

You know what? I am in the sugar fog again! I don't know how many times I have gone in and out of that haze, but at least it is getting easier to recognise. It doesn't take much to slip into this mental state... a few cookies or a piece of cake, then a few more the next day, and before I know it I am drinking sugary coffee and eating sugary cereals every single day. It sort of sneaks up on me. I notice it and then I sort of forget (part of the fog, I think).

I recognized the sugar fog today because I have spent days... weeks... just dying for some sunshine and decent weather. All I wanted in the world was to get out in the sun with a temperature above 40 degrees. I always feel SO great after I get out in nice weather, and it has been so gloomy and icky, overcast and cold that I have not gotten any sun lately. Well, today the sun came out and the temp rose to around 50 degrees! Usually I see the sun and I am bolting out the door for a walk or to do some yard work. Sun makes me happy! But today, I just glared out the window and wanted to stay inside and veg. I didn't especially care about the sun.

I did force myself out onto the deck for 5 minutes. I stood there in the sunshine. I looked at the blue sky and listened to the birds and the children playing. And that is when it hit me. I am in the sugar fog! It seemed like all my senses were dulled as I stood outside in the nice weather. It was like I was watching the world through a dirty window. THAT is the sugar fog.

Now, stalled weight loss I can live with. Being fat for awhile longer, okay. But the sugar fog? No way. I cannot live with THAT. It's a real quality of life issue, and now that I noticed what was going on with me I can fix it. It is pretty easy to fix a sugar fog. You throw out all the sugar and lay off the sweets. Within a day or two, all the colors of the world look brighter, the air smells sweeter and the warmth of the sun on your skin is a joy.

So, back out of the sugar fog I go.

Life

Well, I look back over January and I think, weight-loss wise, it was a bit of a wash. Not horrible, not great. Actually, ok, the first 2 weeks were distressing. I was *so* geared up to be active and excited to start walking and biking more, and then my foot was wrecked and I couldn't. I let it get to me, I gained some weight. And by the time I got my head back on straight and started exercising again, I had let a few bad habits back in.

Now, I look over the last week or two and this is what I see: in general, two good, solid, healthy meals per day, and then at dinner I overeat. I also let nighttime snacking become a habit again. I used to brush my teeth and floss right after dinner, and then I was done eating for the night. If I was truly hungry I'd have a few almonds or a cup of tea, but that was it. Now? I've been regularly having evening snacks... usually, nuts (too many) or a bowl (or bowls) of cereal. Exercise? Yes, some. Not much.

I am okay with it. I know some folks read weight loss blogs to watch people shrink regularly, quickly, month by month. They like to see the transformation. I guess that's why "before and after" pictures are so popular: you get to see this huge, incredible change right before your eyes. And I like my before and afters. But even though my month-to-month photographs over the past few months might not show a big difference, there is a transformation going on here nonetheless. A metamorphosis of my own, that only the keen eye can see.

My life is about so much. It's about my five children, whom I love so dearly. It's about the daily grind, the mountains of laundry, the casseroles. There's the joy of walking the dog and the sadness of going to bed alone. The memories of the past and hopes for the future. I treasure my life, each minute. I have learned to live in the moment and not let the days slip by without notice. And my life is also about learning to take better care of *me.* I'm not really sure where my weight loss is headed over the short term... but right now, I am okay with that, too. My life is finally headed in the right direction, whether the scale reflects that or not.

Be Nice to Yourself

I've come to the conclusion, through listening to people and reading blogs, that often, we are quite unkind to ourselves. We treat ourselves in a way we would never *dream* of treating another person... a stranger, much less a friend. The mental putdowns when we look in the mirror or shop for clothes or get on the scale do not do us any good. Really. Why not be kind and compassionate to ourselves?

Angela walked into Walmart one day to buy some clothes and food. She was in the Plus-Sized section trying to find size 24 jeans when an older lady... a grandma type... strayed off the aisle and over to Angela. "You are much too pretty to be so fat," she said. "Honey, you really need to lose some weight. You are killing yourself, not taking care of yourself." Angela stood, frozen in time, her mouth open in disbelief, one hand on her cart and the other poised holding the jeans she was about to try on. The old lady reached over to the cart and patted her hand. "Stop eating fried food and candy, take a little walk once in awhile. Try having some salad for lunch, you'll be surprised how much better you'll look in no time! Life is too short to stay fat, honey." And she walked off.

Was she kind? Was she nice?

Not really. Angela was a stranger. While the granny couched her words in concern and helpfulness, she was really telling Angela that a) her weight and looks were unacceptable, and b)she was lazy and overindulgent. I don't recall Angela asking to be assaulted with advice, either.

Angela put the jeans back on the rack. A tear slid down her face as she hung her head, turned, and walked away. She had been so proud, so excited to buy those size 24 jeans. She had never fit into anything under a 26 before and had worked so hard to lose 40 pounds. When she walked into the store, she'd felt slim and confident. But the reality, as so cruelly and bluntly pointed out by the elderly stranger, was that she was still a big, fat, failure.

Do you see how words and thoughts can deeply affect a person's perception of ones' self?

Yes, we should be kind to others. Absolutely, we should not make assumptions about ANYONE we see. And if we do, we should keep our mouths shut. Compassion doesn't cost anything. It is FREE.

But shouldn't this extend to our self-talk, too? Why is it ok for us to look in the mirror and say, "I'm so FAT! I hate how I look!" or to look at the scale, stuck on a plateau, and say to ourselves, "I am SUCH a failure! I can't do anything right." Isn't compassion even *more* necessary when dealing with the person we are closest to: ourselves?

There is a fine line between enabling and encouraging. If we look at ourselves and say "oh, it's ok if I don't lose weight. I will do it next week, I am not THAT fat" and use that as an excuse to keep on eating junk and doing nothing to reach the goals we set regarding our weight and health, THAT is enabling. It is putting our heads in the sand so we can eat burgers and milkshakes and still pretend we are happy with ourselves and everything is okay. But if we look at our behavior and say, "Okay, I am proud of what I have done so far but I do need to work harder," that is encouraging. It is a tough thing to learn: loving ones' self without accepting and settling for the things we truly do want to change.

We can change our bodies and our lives without flogging ourselves emotionally. Do push yourself, but don't insult yourself. Do try to do better, but don't discount the efforts you've made already. Look for change while loving the You that you are *right now.*

What To Do When Your Tomato Smells Like Armpit

I was craving a bit of summer in the form of a delicious Caprese salad, so I went to the store and picked up a red ripe hothouse tomato, a soft, fresh Mozzarella ball, and a gorgeous bouquet of crisp green basil. I generally have my reservations about winter tomatoes, but I was willing to take a risk. I wanted a summer salad, and I was going to have it!

Once home, I gathered my ingredients on the counter, hungry and salivating in anticipation of the familiar sweet softness of tomato combined with creamy cheese, rich olive oil, and pungent basil. I readied my cutting board and began to slice the tomato.

Sniff sniff... what was that smell? Armpits?? I stopped and smelled myself as we are prone to do when we catch a whiff of body odor, but I was fresh as a flower. I continued slicing. There it was again! The distinctive smell of a dirty, sweaty, un-deodorized armpit! I looked around for my teenage boys but they were nowhere to be found. I looked at the pretty red tomato. Couldn't be... but it was! I took a deep breath near the cutting board, and indeed, my tomato smelled like an armpit.

I put the knife down. Now what? I considered eating it anyway. Maybe the other ingredients would mask the odor. But it was too gross to contemplate: Armpit Caprese? No, there is something intrinsically wrong with that. So I tossed the tomato in the trash.

But what to do?? Fresh basil and fresh mozzarella don't have a long shelf life. I was standing there ready for my Caprese salad. I wanted it. So I decided to try something new. I looked in the fridge for an appropriate tomato substitute and found...

Strawberries!

Yeah, I know. You're thinking, what?? Strawberries in a Caprese? But yes. That is exactly what I did. I cubed the fresh berries and the cheese, sliced the basil, and tossed them together with a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil and a sprinkle of sea salt and black pepper. I also added a tiny bit of Balsamic vinegar, simply because I know Balsamic vinegar tastes good with strawberries:


Oh it was SO good! I knew I was taking a risk with this. It would either be really yummy or disgusting. It worked! The berries were a bit tart and a little sweet and tasted fantastic with the cheese. The fresh basil really *made the dish* though. It was so good that I made another bowl the next day, instead of buying a tomato!

Strawberry Caprese Salad! This is going into my regular winter rotation. If you're craving a bit of summer but wary of those winter (possible armpit) tomatoes, try this! I think it tastes fine with or without the vinegar... when you make it, try it without and then add Balsamic if you feel like it. A perfect forkful with berry, cheese, and basil in one bite is just heavenly!

Kicking it Up a Notch

Every night I think, "well, I ate a little too much for a loss today. Tomorrow I will kick it back into high gear and get this weight off before the end of the month."

Yet every morning, day after day, my weight has stayed static.

I gained a bunch of pounds two weeks ago, just eating too much, and it has not all come back off yet. Sitting at 232 right now, and for the past couple of days, and honestly not doing a whole heck of a lot to make that number go down.

I posted last month that at 227 pounds, I look in the mirror and say, "hey, I look pretty good! I am okay with this." And that's true. Maybe that is why I have not been terribly motivated to drop more weight. And then when I injured my foot, it seriously curtailed my activity. I got back up to 234 (inactive and overeating) and have wavered around in the low 230's ever since.

I guess I have to convince myself that the effort to drop another 20 pounds will be worth it. Isn't that what it all boils down to, anyway? If the result is worth the effort, we work harder towards the goal. And I have been so "eh" about getting thinner lately that when a piece of pizza crosses my path, I say "oh sure, come on in!"

But ya know, I really don't want to post a gain for the month of January. I've been on a downward overall trend for the last few months and I'd like to continue that. (See what a nice motivator blogging can be??) So I am upping the activity and stopping the random bits of indulgence to see what I can do about dropping five pounds this week.

I think once I do drop 20 pounds, I *will* feel like it was worth it. I believe I will have more energy and like my body even more. I know I will fit into more clothes. I know I will be proud to post those numbers. And that's gonna be motivator enough for me, for now.

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Fiber Up!

The challenge for this week, as part of the Habit-A-Week Challenge, is: eat more fiber!

Please click to read this post explaining this week's habit, and then come back to finish reading here. (There is a giveaway at the end of that post, but remember, that post is from 2008 and it is OVER!)

*****

That was a pretty short and simple post. But the goal is fairly simple: increase your fiber to an appropriate level for your health.

Now, let's just say you are already getting tons of fiber, because you eat Fiber One bars, Benefiber supplements, Fiber One yogurt, Splenda with fiber in it, and Fiber One pop tarts. Well, here's a challenge for you: Get your fiber from REAL FOOD.

Seriously. I guess eating a ton of inulin (chicory root extract, which is the fiber source for most of these new high-fiber fake foods) is better than eating no fiber at all, but look at the carrier for your fiber. What I mean by that is: are you getting fiber carried in a healthy nutritious wrapper, like maybe kale leaves or carrots? Or are you ingesting your fiber in a carrier of artificial and unhealthy junk, such as sugar, dextrose, high maltose corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, and maltodextrin (taken from the Fiber One Oats & Chocolate bar ingredient list)? Think about it. Make a better choice. I know convenience is important, but how much more trouble is it to pack a fresh pear for your snack than a Fiber One bar?

Here are some good Real Food choices for fiber:
pears (6 grams)
raspberries (8 grams per cup)
3 dried figs or dates (6 grams)
apple (5 grams)
2 kiwis (6 grams)
1/2 avocado (5 grams)
artichoke (7 grams)

Other great fiber sources are beans, peas, lentils, split peas, nuts, seeds, whole grains (like oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat bread), parsnips, chickpeas, Brussels sprouts, and green beans. Even a snack of popcorn gives you 3.5 grams of fiber in 3 cups. Most vegetables have fiber, and so do most fruits, especially if you eat the skin. Here's a list: high fiber foods and another: high fiber foods 2.

So try to increase or improve your fiber intake this week, and see where it takes you. More whole foods = more nutrients, and hopefully, better health!

What's your favorite high fiber food?

The Great Cheerios Fake-Out

Cheerios are healthy! It's the "toasted whole grain oat cereal" with no artificial colors or flavors, no saturated fat or cholesterol, and only 1 gram of sugar per serving. A good source of fiber, and as their website claims, "Cheerios is the only leading ready-to-eat cereal that has been clinically proven to lower blood cholesterol levels when eaten as part of a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol." They're even certified by the American Heart Association! Cheerios brand has gained the trust of parents, myself included; often, a toddler's first finger food is Cheerios. I've fed my kids Cheerios for decades, and I love the stuff myself, topped with sliced bananas and low fat milk. It IS a decent food, really. The first ingredient is whole grain oats, plus they add oat bran and oat fiber for even more oaty nutrition. A cup of Cheerios has 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of protein, and only one gram of sugar, all for just 100 calories. I think it tastes great.

But this is not a commercial for Cheerios. I am MAD at General Mills right now, for what I call "the great Cheerios Fake-Out." Let me explain.

You've seen all those yummy new kinds of Cheerios on the shelf lately. It started with Honey Nut Cheerios: all the goodness of Cheerios but with a great new flavor. It was a nice compromise for those of us with a sweet tooth (or with kids who wanted sugary cereals): the nutrition of whole oats with a taste kids love, but with less sugar and more fiber than a lot of junky kids cereals. Honey Nut Cheerios is the same good stuff: whole grain oats and oat bran, but with some sugar, honey, and "brown sugar syrup" thrown in for sweetness. Still, you get 3 grams of protein and 2 grams of fiber with only 9 grams of sugar in a 3/4 cup serving. Still, it is "part of a heart-healthy eating plan" than can "help lower your cholesterol." (Why? Because of the oat fiber).

Then came other flavors. Lots of options for us to continue eating healthy Cheerios but with more variety. Except that they forgot to tell you: some of these new flavors aren't really Cheerios anymore.

Let's take the "naturally flavored" Banana Nut Cheerios. The ingredient list begins: Whole grain CORN. Whole grain WHAT?? Corn?? Nutrition facts labels are required to list ingredients in the order of "predominance" meaning the product is, by weight, made up mostly of what comes first on the list. So the #1 ingredient in this cereal is CORN. What else is in there? #2 ingredient: Sugar! But that is not enough corn and sugar, apparently. The rest of the ingredient list includes whole grain oats (oh, nice of them to throw this in there), Brown sugar syrup (huh?), corn syrup (great), dried corn syrup (in case the regular corn syrup wasn't sweet enough), corn bran (more corn), corn starch (even more corn), modified corn starch (in case the regular corn starch wasn't corny enough). Along with all that corn, you get less fiber and protein and more sugar than with regular Cheerios: 1g fiber, 1g protein, and 9g sugar.

Then we've got the "Naturally Flavored" Fruity Cheerios, which is great, right? Because your kids want Fruit Loops but you want them to have the wholesome oat goodness of Cheerios. This is your answer! Except, once again, you get a "sweetened CORN and oat cereal" whose #1 ingredient is corn and #2 ingredient is sugar. Don't forget the same corn syrup and dried corn syrup and corn bran, but with this one you get lots of extra goodies, too, in the form of Artificial Colors: FD&C Red 40, Yellow 6, Blue 1, and "Other Color Added."

And then, the latest assault to our senses, Chocolate Cheerios. Think you are getting Whole Grain Oats with a bit of cocoa and sugar? Think again: Whole grain CORN, sugar, corn meal, corn syrup, THEN whole grain oats. But don't forget that dried corn syrup and corn bran, for the full corn experience. Makes me want to butter and salt my breakfast.

Hey, if people want to eat corn cereal for breakfast, great. And yes, it *does* say "corn and oat cereal" on the boxes but who reads the small print when they are buying their trusted Cheerios? I sure didn't. I *assumed* that if it said "Cheerios," it was OAT cereal. I was busily chowing down on my sugared cocoa corn when I realized it tasted *nothing* like oats and tasted almost *exactly* like Cocoa Puffs... another General Mills cereal that many of us would never *dream* of feeding our children or ingesting because it is, in my mind anyway, junk food... but has a strangely similar nutritional profile and ingredient list to Chocolate Cheerios. Cocoa Puffs: Whole grain CORN, sugar, corn syrup, corn meal, cocoa, corn starch... 1 g protein, 2 g fiber, and 11 g sugar. Hmmmm.

So if you think buying Cheerios means you are buying a cereal made predominantly of whole grain oats, think again. Check your labels. Some of the varieties *are* oat-based, but others are not. And shame on General Mills for using the trusted Cheerios name with its healthy reputation to pass off sugary, corn-based junk.

Dark Chocolate Pomegranate Clusters

... because hey, we gotta live a little bit!

I have a sweet tooth. I am trying to tame it, and there are very few sweet things that do not "trigger" me (aka send me into a binge of oblivion). I have discovered that for myself and many others, certain sweets trigger while others, in moderation, do not.

Triggers: cookies, cakes, sweet baked goods of any kind that combine flour with fat and sugar. Ice cream that has candy or cookies in it. Pies or other starchy, fatty fried items like donuts.

Non-triggers: plain puddings, agave nectar, fruits, dark chocolate.

I think, for me, it is the deadly combination of refined flour, refined sugar, and fat that flip me out. When I was doing the South Beach Diet, there was a recipe in the book for fruit dipped in dark chocolate. Apparently that was ok in moderation, even on a low-refined-carb diet plan. That is where I learned how to treat myself with dark chocolate dipped fruits when I wanted a little something sweet.

Thus, my creation: dark chocolate pomegranate clusters (with walnuts):

I like to make these in the winter when pomegranates are in season. I love pomegranates, and they are SO good for you, as I discussed in this post. They are rich in nutrients, fiber, and antioxidants as well as TASTE. Combined with the omega-3 fatty acids of walnuts and heart-healthy, antioxidant rich dark chocolate, these clusters make a wonderful little treat that I enjoy when I want a little something sweet that seems so rich and indulgent, yet is very nutritious and won't trigger me.


Just melt some good quality dark chocolate in a glass dish. Then rough chop a handful of walnuts and toast them in the microwave for 30 seconds. Mix those into the melted chocolate. Then use a spatula to gently stir in some pomegranate arils that you've patted dry *thoroughly* (if they are wet, the chocolate will seize; still tasty, just not as pretty.) Don't over mix or squash the juice out of them. Just fold until they are covered and drop by *small* spoonfuls into wax paper. Refrigerate until firm. You can then eat them from the fridge or freeze them for later use.

Notice, I have no special measurements. Just use lots of pomegranate, a small handful of nuts, and enough melted chocolate to *just* cover them. You want mostly fruit, not mostly chocolate.

When you take a bite, the sweet-tart, cold pomegranate juice bursts into your mouth, and that along with the crunch of the toasty walnuts and the richness of the chocolate is just heavenly. One or two little morsels is plenty for those times you just want a bite of sweetness after dinner.

Enjoy!

Veggie Post, Spoiled & Foiled!

Well, I was all ready to wow you with a post about how to prepare and cook a new veggie, but when I cut into it I was met by hidden, interior spoilage. Yuck! I cut deeper and it just got worse, so I am going to take my own advice and bring it back to the store for a refund next time I shop. I may get new veggies this weekend and do the veggie post over the weekend, or it may have to wait til next week, depending on the quality I can find at the store. Too bad, I was excited and hungry for this one! Now you'll have to wait and wonder.

So instead, here's an update:
My weight is just hanging around at a number I do not like. I gained a lot of weight in one week earlier this month and have been wavering up and down a couple of pounds ever since. Not happy with this but it is understandable, really. I have not made enough effort and have not been focused enough on losing it. I admit that. Other things seemed more important this week (having to do with my kids) and I seem to have trouble staying focused on healthy eating and exercise whenever *something else big* is going on. Anyone else have this issue? It seems like it takes a lot of focus, for me, to lose weight... and if I get distracted by some crisis or event that takes a lot of attention, I get scattered and start just grabbing a sandwich, a handful of peanuts, a couple bowl of cereal instead of making salads or prepping healthier foods. I feel like I have nutritional A.D.D. or something.

What I would like: for healthy eating and exercising to be my auto-pilot. I'd like my default behavior to be mindlessly reaching for an apple or hopping on the exercise bike. I'd like it to just be *what I do without thinking.* Like now... I get up, make tea, drink water, get dressed, care for my kids, etc... ALL without thinking. I just do it, no matter what. It is ingrained.

I wonder how long one has to be on the healthy living path for it to become ingrained?

I *like* eating healthy, it just takes planning and thought and effort to do. Which is fine, and worth it, but when life gets crazy the planning and thought go out the window and I "forget" to exercise or I eat food without measuring or eat too much or the wrong things or whatever. It is just easier to revert to what I had done for 35 years. And then I turn around and go, "hey! I am not losing any weight! This sucks, I better put some more effort into this."

There are lines I won't cross, like eating fast food. That is just not going to happen. Hasn't for months. And I won't let myself hibernate, either; I force myself to get up and out the door for a walk almost daily. I've gotten enough sunlight and fake sunlight over the past week to make a huge difference in my energy levels. I just need to move my will-not-cross line a little further up, like "I will not skip workouts just because I am busy." Everyone is busy. It's just about priorities. I am getting better about making myself a priority, except when it comes to my kids. I tend to put them before myself, when in fact, if I am not caring for myself I will not be able to care for THEM.

Well, let's see what I can do over the next week to drop those gained pounds back off my body. I have enough energy to do this, my focus is back on myself, and my body is aching for a change.

The Costs of Eating Well

When I explain the way I (try to) eat to people who ask, I often get this response: "I can't afford to eat healthy. That stuff is expensive." While I understand poverty and have been in the unfortunate position of having NO money for groceries and having to eat whatever I could pick up at the food bank, that's not really what these people are talking about. They do have enough money buy their groceries, but believe buying high quality, fresh foods is out of their reach. I can't judge anyone's financial situation but my own, but wanted to give a little explanation of the costs of eating well (and not so well).

One of my goals has been to buy local, fresh, organic produce when possible (at the Farmer's Market in season) or as close to that as I can. Since this week's challenge is about eating more/better vegetables, this is a good thing to pay attention to. To find your BEST produce source, first check for nearby farm stands, farmer's markets, or farmers who sell their goods to the public. If you can't find anything, try searching here or here. If there is nothing in your area, the next step is to locate the grocery store with the freshest, reasonably priced produce. I had to scope out about 5 grocery stores to find mine. I went in, walked slowly through the fresh produce section, and noted the variety of veggies/fruits available as well as their freshness. Look for leafy greens that are crisp, not wilted. See if they have brightly colored berries, several varieties of apples, different kinds of squash, etc. Look for an Organic section and compare the prices to regular (as well as quality; I will not buy the organic kale if the non-organic looks fresher and greener. The goal is nutrition, here, not a fancy label). Check for produce sales, too.

Once you've found your best produce source, go there once a week and stock up. Check the ads in the paper or online first to see what produce is on sale, and if it is something you like at a good price, that is an easy way to save. If peppers go on sale, buy a bunch, slice them into strips, and freeze them in baggies for later use. If some weeks you find the produce just too expensive, go with frozen veggies. They are often just as nutritious as fresh, even though you'll find less variety and can't do as much with frozen since it is pre-cut and usually has to be cooked.

You may be surprised how much cheaper it is to eat vegetables than, say, Little Debbie cakes. Just looking in a local ad at fresh produce:
broccoli and cauliflower are 98 cents a pound
blueberries are 1.99 a pint
apples, oranges, and pears are 99 cents a pound
baby carrots are 99 cents a pound
red grapefruits are 5/$1
red, yellow, and green bell peppers are 99 cents each

Granted, this is not organic stuff, but I'd buy it anyway. When things are not on sale, the organic is usually not that much more or is even the same price as the non-organic. I regularly buy organic greens for between $1.69-2.89 a bunch, which makes a nice big pot. Well worth it.

I also try to buy grass fed or free range meat and eggs when feasible. When this stuff goes on sale, I stock up. Last time I bought free range chicken breasts I paid $2 a pound and stuck them in the freezer, and the grass fed beef (98% lean) was $3 a pound on sale so I bought 10 pounds and put it in the freezer in 1-pound bags. Eggs are fairly expensive where I live for some reason, so buying free range eggs is not much more than regular.

I think people get overwhelmed with the price of things. You see $x per pound for fresh fruits and veggies when they are not on sale and think it is expensive. But when you buy a bag of chips or other junk food you DO NOT LOOK at the price per pound. If you did, you might be shocked. Usually junk food is *more* expensive per pound than real food. I read online that the average price per pound for potato chips is around $3 a pound. Next time you are shopping, look at the tags under the food and see if they list price per pound. If not, put on your thinking cap and figure out the price per pound by looking at the total cost and the weight of the product. Sometimes junk like cookies can be $5-10 per pound! For what? Just junk.

And really, if you are eating healthy you're not usually eating *as much* stuff as you do when you eat junk, right? I know personally that 1700 calories of good healthy food costs a mere fraction of the 3000-5000 calories of junk, fast food, pizzas, sodas, and other crap I used to eat.

Here's what I ate for breakfast the other day, along with actual price I paid:
Chai tea w/organic milk from grass fed cows & agave nectar (15 cents + 12 cents + 9 cents = 36 cents)
2 fresh local eggs (over easy) from free range chickens (50 cents)
1 slice of 100% whole wheat, HFCS-free bread (15 cents)
organic butter from grass fed cows (25 cents)
green tea (19 cents)
1 Cuties Clementine (28 cents)
Total for this meal: 1.73

I think $1.73 is pretty cheap eating for such delicious, fresh, healthy food. A lot cheaper than that nasty McDonald's biscuit & hash browns w/coffee meal I used to eat... and infinitely healthier.

And I can make a pot of my Cabbage Roll Casserole, with lean grass-fed beef, local fresh onions, and fresh cabbage for about $6. It makes four HUGE servings (filling dinner) or six smaller servings. I don't think $1.50 is a lot to pay for such a healthy dinner, do you? You can freeze portions and then you have something so much better for you and more delicious than, say, a Lean Cuisine meal with all its sodium, which is usually twice the cost of this homemade meal. If you are eating out, you can save a whole lot of money by buying fresh organic foods and making your own meals instead.

If you were to factor in the health care costs of the damage to our bodies caused by eating junk and/or being obese, the savings by eating healthy is phenomenal. Think about that. Not to mention the cost in years of your life.

Reconsider what is "expensive" and what is "affordable." Take a look at the costs of what you usually buy, and see if you can replace some of that with healthier produce and other items. Maybe that $5 you were going to spend on a couple of boxes of 100-calorie packs would be better spent on a half gallon of organic, grass fed milk and a couple of delicious organic apples! See what you can do!

Faulty Logic: Since I X, Then I Y.

One morning a long time ago, I got up and made myself a nice, healthy breakfast. I drank my water and I ate my food and then I did some chores around the house. I'd been on my "diet" for a week or two and was slowly... very slowly... losing weight.

My neighbor came over and brought me the leftovers from a dinner party she'd attended. Included in these leftovers were some dessert nachos covered in strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate. "I thought you and your kids would enjoy these," she said. Well, those nachos had only minutes to live. They were not going to see the light of day for more than 3 minutes. Those nachos were in my mouth the second she turned her back and started walking down my sidewalk, and my kids never knew they existed. After all, who can resist dessert nachos??

After I ate them, I felt guilty. I was ashamed and angry and muttered to myself, "I am never going to get this weight off. Now I've ruined another day." And off I went to make a pepperoni pizza.

Here's the faulty logic:
Since I ate (insert unhealthy food here), I may as well eat (insert more healthy food here).

It happens to a lot of us. I know because I read a lot of blogs. We are going along, maybe doing great and maybe not so great, when for whatever reason we choose to eat an "off plan" food (aka, a food we did not PLAN to eat, and regret eating as soon as it is down our throats). Then we get mad or sad or depressed or frustrated because we ate x. So we run off and eat y.

I ate some bacon with my breakfast, so I am going to have some cheesecake.
I ate a donut at work in the break room, so I may as well go back for another one.
I broke down and had a scone with my coffee, so now I am going to eat 3 pieces of lasagna with garlic bread for dinner.
I ate a candy bar after lunch, so now I am going to order a Big Mac meal for dinner, with chocolate cookies for dessert.

It's as if one misstep throws us completely off course. As if a day must be "perfect" to be worthwhile. As if eating a 200 calorie candy bar is impossible to recover from. As if the 1000 calorie meal we eat "because" of that candy bar is somehow justified, because I am a "failure" anyway and may as well just eat anything I want. And then start over tomorrow.

It's kind of like what happens to some girls when they're in high school. They decide it is best for them not to have sex with any boys they are dating. To wait until they are older/engaged/married to be intimate. But then something happens, they have a moment of weakness, and they have sex with a guy. Does it make sense, then, to abandon their morals and start sleeping with every guy they see? It happens. "Since I am not a virgin anyway, I may as well sleep around." Faulty logic.

I think we tend to forget that every calorie does count, whether we eat it today or tomorrow or next week, whether or not we ate healthy 2 hours ago or last night.

The same goes for exercise. We tend to think, Since I ate badly, I may as well skip the gym. What?? How faulty is that logic? Really, on a day we ate in a less-than-stellar manner, don't we need the exercise even more?

Instead of thinking of the journey as a "day-by-day" thing, adding up "good days" or classifying them as "bad days" (because we ate one candy bar or cookie), perhaps we can erase the calendar completely and look at it as a lifetime. Everything we eat adds up to the body we have, so that what we are trying to do is have a *moderate* intake over a long time span (a month, a year, ten years) rather than counting up good and bad days. Otherwise, if you eat one "bad" thing in the morning, you call it a "bad" day and eat another couple thousand calories, instead of looking at it as a continuous time stream of your life, where every minute and every hour you have the ability to make it a Good Life.

I try to make each behavior independent of my past behaviors (with eating and exercise, that is). If I have decided that it is Good for me to eat moderately and bike 30 minutes a day, then that is true even when I had a candy bar earlier. It is STILL GOOD for me to eat moderately at my next meal, and to bike. No "off plan" behavior "ruins" a day. No poor eating choices will negate the Goodness of a healthy meal later in the day or some exercise in the afternoon.

I heard this analogy somewhere once: if you are walking up a flight of stairs and you trip on the way up, do you turn around and throw yourself back down the stairs?

Try to stop thinking things like, "I already messed up my day, I may as well (insert negative behavior here)." Every moment counts. I am working on this all the time. It's a big mind shift for me, but as it becomes more ingrained, I find myself making better choices based on what is right for myself rather than on past mistakes.

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Eat More!

It's time to add another Healthy Habit to our arsenal of weapons against poor health! We already worked on our fluid intake and exercise, and this week is a fun one!

EAT MORE!

Yeah, you heard me right, this week we get to eat more! But what we are going to eat more of is: vegetables. Don't groan, this is going to be fun! It's one of my favorite healthy habits, one that brings me a lot of pleasure. Look at is as an adventure!

First, click here and read the details of this week's habit. Then come back and finish reading this post.

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So, the point of this week's challenge is to *improve* on whatever you are already doing in regards to vegetable consumption. Try to increase your servings but don't overwhelm yourself. If you currently don't eat veggies at all, trying to go straight to 5 servings a day might make you feel like you're on a "diet" or that this challenge is a burden, so go slowly. Try two servings a day. If you already eat lots of veggies, try new ones or improve the quality of what you eat.

Ideas:
If you think you hate spinach, try getting some pre-washed, fresh BABY spinach (tender and sweet) and use it instead of lettuce on sandwiches or mix it into salads.
If you are having spaghetti for dinner, try spaghetti squash instead of noodles. Or steam some sliced zucchini and mushrooms and mix those into your pasta, 50/50.
If you already eat loads of veggies and love them, try to search out an even better source. Maybe you can find locally grown winter squash... try to buy local, and if you can't, try organic! Where I shop, the organic produce is usually the same price or not much more than non-organic, and it seems to be fresher and more nutritious to me.
Try a winter vegetable! Try something new! Roasted sweet potatoes, Red Garnet yams, kale, Delicata squash, acorn squash, butternut squash, leeks... so much to choose from.

Surely there is something you haven't tried. Next time you go shopping, slow down in the produce section! Look at each item and think about whether you *might* enjoy it. You'll see things you never saw before, instead of rushing through for the carrots and celery on your grocery list.

Another benefit of this challenge is that the veggies you eat will displace other, higher-calorie foods in a lot of cases. If you eat a cup of veggies with dinner, you won't have room for extra rice or bread or more calorie-dense foods.

I currently do eat a lot of veggies, but I am going to add some more this week. I tend to eat more veggies in summertime but there is a bounty of nutrition out there right now. This week I will aim for one veggie serving with breakfast and two at each other meal. (My servings tend to actually be more like TWO servings in volume, so this would translate to a lot of veggies).

How about you? What will you try?

If you're stumped, check over to the left side of this blog for links to some recipes I enjoy.
Indulge your taste buds with delicious vegetables! Your body will thank you!

Feeling Better, and Getting Off Sugar

I think today I managed to turn a corner on the Mopey, Tired, Blah feelings I've been dealing with lately. Not only that, but I think my foot is going to be okay and tolerate my return to higher activity levels! I am quite happy about that.

The forecast for the next 15 days, which I obsessively check for hints of sunshine, predicted Rain, Cloudy, Overcast, Cold. One hundred percent of the forecast was bleak. Imagine my excitement when I woke up this morning to blue skies and sun! It was so unexpected, and I had no idea how long it would last, but I knew I HAD to take advantage of it for my sanity's sake! So I skipped the Light Box, got kids fed and dressed, and went out the door. We ran errands, and then headed to the local park. It was still bright and perfectly sunny when we arrived, and stayed that way for the hour and a half we were there playing, walking, enjoying life. It felt SO GOOD just to be in the sunshine! At one point I took off my coat, pulled up my sleeves, and sat facing the sun, trying to soak up as much as possible. And I do feel so much better! I know part of my wintertime happiness depends on getting sunlight or fake sunlight every single day until the days get long enough and warm enough for me to be outside more often.

We did a lot of walking today, and while my knees were in fairly bad shape (pain) when we got home, my messed-up foot was okay. So the plan is to bike tonight, gently, after I take some anti-inflammatories for the knees. I'll go easy and probably do 20 minutes to start. If that goes well, I will try 30 tomorrow. I admit I am nervous about my foot. I don't like being incapacitated and don't want to hurt myself again.

My sugar intake is down but not 100% today. Since I don't have any junk in the house anymore, my goal is to get back to a low-sugar diet (I am not talking about fruits, here. They do not trigger me to binge or put me into a sugar fog like the refined stuff does). The goal is to limit my daily sugar/sweets intake to:

1 tsp local honey daily (I take this for allergies, in tea)
2 tsp or less agave nectar, in tea
1-2 tsp real maple syrup in oatmeal IF I have oatmeal for breakfast

So my maximum sweets intake would be 5 tsp/day. I realize some of you health food junkies are thinking, "FIVE TEASPOONS??? That is a LOT of sugar!"

Well, remember that Coke I used to drink? Couple of cans a day? TEN teaspoons of sugar per 12 oz can. Now add in all those boxes of donuts and Little Debbie Cakes and candy bars. That is an incredible amount of sugar. I used to mix up brownie batter just to eat the whole batch myself (or bake a 9 by 9 square pan of brownies and eat them in ONE DAY. Yes, one day.) And do you know how much sugar is in my recipe for a 9 by 9 pan of brownies? I will tell you. One Cup. A whole CUP of sugar I would eat in a sitting. That is 16 Tablespoons, which is 48 teaspoons. So no. In *my* world, 5 teaspoons a day is *not* a lot of sugar.

I'd like to cut back to less, eventually, but right now I need a little slack. I rarely use white sugar or its tanned cousin, brown sugar. I watch out for corn syrup and other sneaky sugars in my processed foods. Eventually, say within a month, I'd like to completely stop eating *any* artificial sweeteners or processed foods containing sugars. I have a few things in the fridge, like pudding cups, and in the pantry, like whole grain cereals, which contain sweeteners of one kind or another, and once they are gone (eaten) I will not be replacing them. If I want a sweet, I can make myself some pumpkin custard. At least I know what's in it and am getting some nutrition with my sugar.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I'll have another healthy habit up for us to work on. That'll be fun! Remember to keep drinking your water and exercising. I love knowing that every day, I am doing something to make my life better.

I See It, I Want It

When I was a little girl, I loved going to the library. I spent a lot of time there, browsing through books, picking out a huge stack to take home and read and then bugging my mom to take me back for more. I had an insatiable appetite for knowledge, exemplified by my sheepishly checking out every book about sex and puberty I could find in the children's section when I was 8, hiding the books from my parents (who never talked to me about such things), and then explaining to a little boy who was visiting that boys have a "pennis" (that is how I figured it must be pronounced: PENN-is, rhymes with Dennis the Menace). He went racing into the living room, excited, pointing to his crotch and exclaiming, "hey Mommy, it's called a PENNIS!" much to the chagrin of both of our parents...

Anyway, I used to get a lot of books about pets. I'd look through the pictures and immediately I WANTED all those pets. I had to have a horse. I wanted a German Shepherd. A Collie, too. Some cats, some birds, ferrets... on and on the list went. I saw their pictures, they were cute, I wanted them. I demanded them. I cried for a pet squirrel until my face turned blue, but was appeased with a hamster instead. My delight quickly turned to disgust, however, when my pet hamster Max curled himself into a ball is his cage and began devouring his poop as it came out of him. How revolting!! I went wild eyed out of the room, crying, begging my parents to take him back. They just couldn't win with me.

But that wasn't enough. Later, I HAD to have a parakeet. I saw them in a book, I wanted one. I was a bit older, about 12, so I bought one with my own money. He was awesome, he didn't eat his poop, but I did get tired of cleaning his cage and all the seeds he'd fling on my bedroom floor every day.

Three stray cats, a dog, a tank of fish, riding lessons (because our yard was not big enough for a horse) and another parakeet later, I was 16. I started seeing *bigger* things I wanted. A car, for instance. Oh yes, I got my car. But I'd learned early on (after the hamster incident) that my parents were NOT going to go out and buy me everything I wanted on a whim anymore. So I bought the car with my own money. I'd been working since I was 13 (on and off) and had a regular 25-hour-a-week job at 15, so a car payment was no trouble. Yes, I got my car. And I loved it.

From that point on I decided that if I really wanted something, I'd have it. I would find a way. When I saw a boy I liked, I'd find a way to get his attention and get him interested in me (and I was *not* a loose girl, either... I was waiting until I was married for intimacy.) I decided I wanted to go to college, but my parents were not going to give me a dime towards my education, so I got a job, worked for a year, took out student loans, got scholarships, and paid my own way through college.

I think I started out my early life as a bit of a brat... only child, mother who had very little in the way of parenting skills, who gave me chocolate ice cream for breakfast when I was 2 to keep me happy. If you ask my cousins and aunts, they'd say I was *not* a brat at all. A very thoughtful, quiet child. I had a father who reasoned with me and expected me to behave well, and he taught me early on the THINK, and not just expect to get anything I wanted. Earn it, or get over it. So by the time I was 5 or so, any brattiness had abated.

As an adult, I have noticed I have this "see it, want it" trigger about a lot of things. When I see someone with a baby, I want one. When I see a picture of a puppy, I want one. When the commercials used to come on TV for Big Macs, look out or you might get run over as I stampeded out the door to my car... I couldn't get to the drive through fast enough. When I'd see some glossy-paged magazine ad for some special 100-calorie pack or new drink or special kind of salad dressing, I'd obsess about getting it and look in every store for that EXACT item until I found it. If I saw someone walking by on the street eating a taco, you can bet I was heading for the nearest taco place at my earliest convenience.

This has been difficult for me. I know people want stuff all the time. I think what is different in my case (and probably for others) is the mental skipping-record that goes on after I see something I want and try to dismiss it.

If I see a certain kind of candy bar in an ad, or someone eating it, I cannot seem to get it out of my head for hours, days, even weeks if I do not eat it. It feels insane sometimes. I have gotten much better at forcing myself to STOP thinking about certain things... but what has *really* helped me is learning to use my see it, want it mode toward healthier things.

When I see a delicious looking, healthy meal, I want it. I desire it just as much as I used to desire Lays Chips after seeing them in a commercial. I see a photo of a spinach salad with pomegranates and Gorgonzola and I really, really want to eat that. Or roasted chicken, or sweet potatoes, or Brussels sprouts. But the problem is, they don't make TV commercials for asparagus. They don't put ads in magazines for fresh strawberries. And I don't usually see anyone walking down the street munching green beans. However, I have found a way to trigger myself in a positive way.

I look at healthy eating blogs online... especially those that post photos of their delicious, healthy meals, like spunkysuzi's My Daily Nosh or Kath's Kath Eats Real Food. I read magazines like Vegetarian Times and Eating Well. I buy lots of vegetables and fruits and put them where I can see them, on the counter or right in front in the fridge. I stopped reading "other" magazines that have junk food ads, and when I am watching TV, when a commercial comes on I get up and go do something else, like wash a few dishes or fold clothes or do sit ups. Hey, works for me.

I had to accept and understand that I am a visually triggered person. I guess lots of people are... otherwise why would companies spend so much on visual ads? By putting stuff in my line of sight (my exercise equipment, a weight loss chart, a "goal weight" picture, healthy foods) I can decide, for the most part, what I am going to want. And for the other stuff, I just have to keep saying no until I get the message and let it go.

Using the Light Box

Yesterday I used my Light Box for Seasonal Affective Disorder for the first time this season. I've had ZERO energy for at least a week, but was trying to convince myself it wasn't that bad and would improve if I just went outside for 15 minutes a day. Not happening. It was cloudy all week except for one day, and it was just not enough light to make a difference.

So yesterday I got it out, set it up, and went about trying to find a way to set it up at the right height (shining down from slightly above eye level). I used to sit at the kitchen table and eat in front of it, but I wanted a way to use it sitting on the couch typing instead. What I really need is a coffee table, but instead, I ended up putting the light box on top of a storage tub. As soon as I turned it on, my 4-year-old was all over it. "Hey, I know! I can make a puppet show!" And I was treated (?) to a hand puppet shadow show in front of it and then dancing Barbie horses peeking over the top of it, singing and prancing about for 20 minutes. Luckily, the horses did *not* knock the light box over on top of me.

After five minutes, I was getting a headache (from the light? the puppet show? who knows?) After ten minutes I felt nauseous. I realized that 1) I was not accustomed to so much light, and 2) I had it set up too low and the light was going directly into my eyes, straight on, rather than slightly above them. I stayed for 20 minutes and then turned it off. And oddly enough, I felt better and had slightly more energy *already* just from that one session, Maybe it's all in my head, but I'll take it.

I spent yesterday getting things done, eating healthy for the most part, and lazing about some. In the evening after dinner, I reverted to insanity, briefly, and mixed up some cookie dough. I am weird that way... I decide I want sugar/fat, but I don't want to BINGE, so I sit down and scale out exactly 12 cookies from a recipe, mix up that much dough, eat a few bites, bake the rest, eat 2 or 3, then go "this isn't helping" and offer the cookies to the pack of teenagers in my basement. Eh, could've been worse!

Down another pound this morning. Hoping to get the pounds to drop a bit faster by cutting ALL the sugar out instead of just cutting back. I didn't even have sugar in my house for ages (except brown sugar for occasional use in oatmeal) but I purchased some for Christmas baking. Time to seal it up and put it in the basement for use in April when I have a birthday cake to make!

I am in front of my Light Box as I type. I solved the height problem by putting the storage tub on top of an empty Crock Pot box, so now it is just the right height. I love how it feels like I am sitting in the real sunshine. I hope I will get my energy back after a week or so of this.

Have a great weekend and try to fit in lots of water and some extra activity... don't forget the challenge!

Breaking Point

I've been thinking about how people seem to have a breaking point... a point at which their unbalanced lifestyle is causing them too much pain, emotional or physical, to continue. You know, when the addict can't cope with his messed up life anymore and goes to rehab, or the alcoholic looks at her shattered life and says "enough" and goes to AA. For my mother, I think her breaking point was when she tried to kill herself and take me with her when I was a little child. As she watched me close my eyes to drift off into eternal slumber, she was suddenly overcome with the fear that I would die and she would not, and then how could she live with herself? She got me to safety. She went to AA. She found religion. She saved us both.

I guess for everyone, the breaking point is different. For compulsive eaters, binge eaters, those with an out-of-control food problem, there often comes a point when you say, "I cannot live like this anymore. I HAVE to do something!" And that's when the "diet" kicks in. The problem is that the pain is quickly forgotten, the desire for those old comforting foods and habits is strong, and people very frequently go back to their old ways until they have yet another breaking point to turn their lives around.

A couple of years ago, I was living a pretty miserable existence. Yeah, I had my kids (thank goodness, because that was the only true joy I had at the time), but I was in pain *every day.* I couldn't walk... I limped. My knees, feet, shoulders hurt ALL the time. My house has the laundry room downstairs, and when it got to the point that I could only go down the stairs using "baby steps" (both feet on each stair, very slowly) and only once or twice a week, that is when I hit my breaking point. When I couldn't go downstairs to kiss my children goodnight, that is when I said, "I cannot do this anymore. It hurts too much." When I could barely walk out to get the mail, when I broke a lawn chair at my son's baseball game, when I couldn't play with my kids, when I was embarrassed to be seen anywhere, that was my breaking point. The culmination of emotional pain and physical pain was the point at which I said This Is It! I started a blog and started changing my life.

My life *is* changed. I *am* living now, more than I have in years, and I am so thankful for that. Every so often *something* happens that turns me back to some of those old habits, though. Maybe it's the holidays, or PMS, or some emotional event. Maybe it's an injury or lack of sunshine or a sick kid. Stuff. Just the usual life stuff. Old habits pop up sometimes and I grab my old friend macaroni & cheese or chocolate cupcake because, well, I *like* them. For a few days I can *forget* how much improved my life is because of the healthy eating and lost weight, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks: a new breaking point. I cannot live like this!

It hit me yesterday. I've been going about my life, eating pizza once in awhile, having a nice sugary dessert after dinner, drinking homemade lattes with caramel in them. Oh, it feels SO good! So tasty, so comforting, so familiar. I think to myself, "nah, I will make that pot of kale tomorrow. Tonight I was some pasta and french bread! Mmmm!" But eating like that is foreign to my body now, and my body reacts. I start getting daily headaches. I feel bloated and heavy and tired. And then my joints go all to heck. Seems like when I eat sugar, the pain flares up in a huge way. I got up this morning and limped to the bathroom, every joint in my body aching and my feet feeling like I was walking on broken glass. Good heavens, why am I doing this to myself? I cannot live like this. And that's the new breaking point.

So the sugar is gone, the kale and apples are back, life is good. It makes me SO happy to see how quickly I reach that breaking point and *need* and *want* to return to my healthy lifestyle. A couple years ago, I could go for months eating junk before I felt bad enough physically to say ENOUGH and try to change. Now? Days. After a few days of eating poorly, I hit a wall and cannot take it anymore. That is not my life anymore. I don't want it to be my life. The pain is just too great. Seriously, I feel like a 90-year-old woman hobbling around when I eat too much sugar! No fun.

Everything has a trade-off. For a long time, Big Macs and french fries were *worth* the limited life I got in return. I actually loved that fast food meal so much that I was willing to trade my mobility for it. You have to reach a point where it is just not worth it to YOU anymore. Where you want the rich, joyful life instead of a candy bar. It really is a trade-off, for me. One I am now willing to make.

Winter Blah

Yesterday went fairly well. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, but too many snacks. I think my mode right now is summed up best in one word: tired. Even since New Years I have just felt physically drained. In fact, it reminds me very much of life at 278 pounds. When I was morbidly obese, everything exhausted me. Getting up to walk to the kitchen for a drink wore me out. I was so tired I couldn't mop or vacuum... I was always letting it go for too long or asking my kids to do it for me. I'd sit on the couch a lot and if I got up and put in a load of laundry (which took a flight of stairs), I just had no energy left.

Okay... so it really isn't *that* bad anymore. Taking off the weight has helped a lot. Even at my most tired, on my worst day, I get more done than I did on my best day at 278 pounds. I am thankful for that.

But I was getting used to having *so* much more energy after losing weight and being active. Improving my diet gave me a lot more stamina, so I could mop the whole house and then do dishes and go out for a walk afterwards. But that was in the summertime. Winter is a whole 'nother ball game.

I've blogged before about how the seasons affect me. And because I am blogging, I've noticed that every year, January and February are desperately hard for me, energy-wise, emotion-wise. Every year I hit a wall and feel like hibernating. I am there now. I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning and I feel like I am in a fog for a couple of hours. Just now, I went in the kitchen to fix my child's breakfast, and then I was too tired to fix anything for myself. So I just sat down instead. Sitting is becoming more and more of my mode lately. When I manage to talk myself into getting up and *doing something*, it lasts about ten minutes and I am once again wiped out, ready to sit for an hour.

I hate it! It is just so different from how I feel during the rest of the year. I am really pushing myself to get up and move, but it isn't enough. I am not happy with my lack of movement.

Every year I get to this place, and I start trying to find ways to boost my energy: eat lots of fruits & veggies, whole grain, protein; drink lots of water, green tea. I have increased my caffeine intake just trying to get a little boost here and there but it isn't working. I take vitamins, extra B's, D3. But it seems the only thing that helps enough for me to notice a difference is sunlight. When I see the sun peek through the clouds after days of gloomy, overcast weather, I literally race out the door and walk or sit on the deck facing the sun. I feel *thirsty* for sunlight; I actually crave it. I feel so much better and more energized on days that I get at least 30 minutes of sun, but those days are few and far between. It is dark by 4:30 and not light until 7:30 and every day seems to be cloudy. So I have my light box, but haven't been using it. Guess I will get it out and sit by it. I am doing a lot of sitting, so I may as well get some benefit out of it.

Honestly I just cannot wait for spring. These winter months are difficult. Maybe the light box will help me out... I'll let you know.

Real Weight

I gained nine pounds this week.

Whenever I say I gained x pounds in y time, people invariably tell me it is impossible, it is not "real weight." Well, save it, because honestly it IS real, I cannot button my pants, I have an extra roll around my middle that has swollen up where there was none before. It is REAL because last week my weight was 225 and today it is 234. I am not holding my cat or using a faulty scale, so it is real. Is it 100% fat? Of course not. It never is. The 60 pounds I lost before was not 100% fat, either, but that weight was real. If you don't believe me, ask my knees. Ask my feet. A pound is a pound is a pound on my joints and bones and body, and I "it isn't real"-ed myself all the way from 145 pounds to 278 pounds. I don't have my head in the sand anymore. Whether that nine pounds is partly water bloat, partly extra food in my gut, partly expanded fat cells... I don't care. It is nine pounds on my body, on my joints, that I am walking around carrying. It could be made of chicken beaks for all I care... it is real to me, and I want it back off.

What happened? I was lazy with my eating. I started grazing. I ate sweets. I didn't move much due to the foot injury. I said yes to the inner brat too often (hot dogs for dinner, bad idea). I stopped counting calories. I basically took a week off (not on purpose) from not only healthy eating but also common sense with my food.

What's happening now? I am getting off my butt and doing something about it before it gets out of hand. It would be nothing for me to be 245 pounds by the end of the month. Since that is not what I want, I have to get back to work.

Yesterday I did manage to get out and take a walk to the park with my child, and my foot was okay with that. So maybe the worst is over with my injury. It was nice to get some sunshine and activity in for about an hour. I also biked last night. I made it 17 minutes before my foot said "enough." It's a start. I'll do it again tonight.

While I don't like the gain, I do like where I am right now. It's not crazy like it used to be, where I'd eat healthy, lose weight, then flip out and gain, then lose... like a pendulum, but always ending up higher than I started. My emotions used to get SO tense and hard to deal with. When the scale was down I was ecstatic. When it was up I was in a panic. That's probably why I couldn't "diet" for any length of time: the emotional roller coaster was just too much and I'd end up quitting and soothing myself with food. Nowadays, it's all life. I do go up and down, usually within a ten pound span every month. But I don't feel anxious and panicky about that. I just say, "well, I was morbidly obese for a decade. I'm not anymore. This is life, I am heading in the right direction overall. I am okay." And I just get back to business, the goal being to end every month lighter than I started it. I've done that for the past 3 months and I'll do it again this month. There's no going back now. I am not that person anymore.

There's a great day ahead. Let's make the most of it!

Habit-A-Week Challenge: Another Step

Good morning! Welcome to the rebirth of the Habit-A-Week Challenge. It's time to improve our lives, one healthy habit at a time. Last week's challenge was to improve your fluid intake, so if you've done that, great! Hold onto that habit... keep doing it... and add another this week to build a foundation of better health. If you missed last week, that's ok! Just start with this week's challenge and move forward.

Here's your challenge for this week: Move! Please click the link, read the information, and then come back to finish reading this post.

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Becoming "more active" is something almost everybody can do. If you walk twice a week, you can try for three times a week. If you jog 5 miles, try 6. If you sit in the couch all day, get up and do *something* for ten minutes. As I said in the link above, start where you are and improve just a little bit. And of course check with your doctor before starting an exercise plan.

Everyone can do something to improve their fitness level this week! Some ideas:
Go farther (add distance).
Add more minutes to your exercise routine.
Up the intensity (heart rate).
Pick a new activity to try.
Add stretching to your routine.
Add lifestyle activity: park further from stores, take the stairs instead of the elevator, bike to run errands instead of using the car, etc.
If you are bored with your exercise routine or doing something you don't really enjoy, now's a good time to switch it up and do something more fun!

The idea is to move your body. It is good for us to be active. It helps my mood tremendously, burns calories, ramps up metabolism, gets the circulation going, builds strength and endurance.

What I am currently doing:
Uh, pretty much nothing at the moment. I have been sidelined with the foot injury for a couple of weeks and it is pretty depressing to me. Before I was injured, I was biking indoors for about 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week. I had plans to use my Wii Fit several times a week, take long walks when my child is in preschool (weather permitting), and strength train a couple times a week. But when I got hurt, everything went to pot. Honestly, even the strength training stopped. I got in a funk, all pissed off that my foot was stopping me from doing what I want to do and I just felt like "oh what's the point in doing a couple of biceps curls! This is so lame!" But this week I am not limping around anymore. I have orthotic inserts in my shoes and I have special padded socks to wear. My foot is pretty much all better, except I can tell I could screw it up again easily if I am not careful (no more biking in socks only). So....

What I am going to do this week for the challenge:
I am going to slowly *try* to get back to my old activity level and beyond. I will take slow, not-too-long walks this week when weather permits (I'll start out walking for say 15 minutes and see how my foot does. If I am starting to hurt I will stop).
On days I do not walk, I WILL bike. The most I have biked since I was injured is 11 minutes, no resistance. I will bike carefully, low resistance, and stop as soon as my foot starts to be uncomfortable. But I WILL get on it and try.
I will strength train. No excuse not to do this, really. I can do upper body. I will do this at least twice this week. All I need to do this is an attitude adjustment.
I will continue working to build up my activity level again, week after week, and not quit again. If I wreck my foot again I will see a doctor IMMEDIATELY so I do not get sidelined again. And if all goes well, I will try some Wii Fit next week.

That's my plan. What will YOU do to improve your fitness this week? Leave a comment, I'd love to hear your plan!

What's Eating Me: Opening the Box

Yesterday I felt rather melancholy. It's been cold and dreary out, I've been stuck in the house, and for some reason my brain was been stuck in the distant past for the last few days. I've been thinking about a beloved dog I had and lost when I was a teen, and yesterday morning I had this urge to find his pictures. I hadn't seen them in years and wanted to share them with someone online who asked about him. So I set off to find the box with his pictures in it.

My garage is cluttered. Boxes and tubs and bags everywhere, the result of 20 years of adulthood, five kids, three stepkids, five foster kids, a couple of husbands, and the desire to hang onto everything. So is my office, where I keep my 'special stuff.' As I peeked into box after box, looking for the right one, I came across a lot of things from my life decades ago: the drinking glasses I inherited after my grandpa died, the little plastic bank my father gave me when I was a girl, clothes from when I was 20, the wedding cake bride and groom from my first marriage. All kids of memories got stirred up. When I came across several tubs of kids clothing, I decided to purge them right then and there, sort them out and get them on Craigslist to make room in the house. So I did that. The little ties my boys used to wear to church reminded me of a time long past when they were so small and sweet and we united in worship; the team baseball caps took me back to every wonderful hour spent on the bleachers proudly watching my little men pitch and bat and field in Little League. There was the camping gear that's too small for them now, reminding me of happy Boy Scouting days. There were the XXXL shirts that I custom embroidered for my mother with a picture of her cat on one, and my children's names emblazoned in hearts under the word "grandma" on another, which I took from her closet the day after she died in my arms. I folded that last one, I put it back in the box. I don't know what to even do with that.

After sorting and listing the clothes on Craigslist, I went back to finding those pictures. But in between, I started to eat. I wanted pizza in a bad way: super supreme, from Pizza Hut, with all the grease and some Coke to wash it down. I knew I could easily eat 5000 calories worth and I didn't want to wreck my weight loss efforts, so instead, I got out my personal thin crust Hawaiian pizzas from the freezer. At 270 calories, they can be a great fix when I really want pizza. But I ate both of them. I just wanted to.

It was okay, I was still within my calories, and I drank water with them. But wanting pizza was not what was really eating me.

I went to the kitchen, I ate a few slices of cheese as I grabbed a snack for my daughter. A couple of crackers, too. I went through a couple more boxes trying to find the pictures, but I found medical papers from when we found out my son has a life threatening illness, school notes from when my other son was little and struggling with reading, student loan forms from when I went back to college. My mind was processing all the memories that were flashing up in my head with each piece of paper. Finally, I found the box: the one that contained the pictures and all of the other papers and things I placed it in when I wrote "dear to my heart" on the cardboard side, long ago, before I moved everything to plastic bins. I carried it upstairs, and I could feel the anticipation building inside me.

I knew what was in that box. Old letters, photos, mementos. I knew it would be a revisit to the past once I delved in. But that's what I wanted. That's what I was in the mood for. I set the box down and opened the lid.

It had been a lot of years since I last looked in there, and I was surprised when I lifted out a calendar with two teddy bears on it, marked 1989 and titled, "Our First Year of Marriage." I had forgotten all about that... a gift from my father on my wedding day, hung on the wall and used to chronicle all the happenings of that eventful year. I flipped it open to the first page. On the squares were written, "honeymoon," "thank you notes," and "Pizza Hut for lunch, 2:00." Oh yes. That's right. I remember it well. I was getting dressed that day in December, prettying up for a nice lunch out with my stepkids and new husband. The phone rang. I picked up, and the voice on the other end said, "I'm sorry, Lyn. Your father passed away." I dropped the phone, screaming. I don't remember much else... all a blur... falling to the bedroom floor screaming, NO NO NO. I'd just turned 20, I'd just gotten married, my father was FINE, he could not be dead. But he *was* dead. The next square on the calendar said, "Dad's obituary in paper."

I thumbed through the calendar, remembering so much from the simple words on each page. By the time I put it down, I felt quite old.

Throughout the afternoon I'd pick at the box, taking out some little trinket and remembering: my first set of car keys; Valentines from my stepchildren that said "I love you Mom"; the glass swans off my wedding cake. And in between picking at the box I was picking at the refrigerator. Pacing around, putting things in my mouth.

I ate:
2 bowls of cereal with milk
several ounces of cheese
crackers
some gummy candies
squares of dark chocolate
a whole wheat peanut butter and jelly sandwich
a Clementine
cups of tea and coffee with milk and sugar
a biscotti
buttered wheat toast

I barely tasted most of it. It was not a crazy, 'driven' binge. It was just... I need something. Fill me up. Picking, here and there, nothing I *really* wanted or cared about, just... give me *something.*

I kept picking at food and eating little things here and there all evening. After the kids went to bed I dug deeper into that box. I found the pictures of my dog... a dog I'd loved with all my heart but had died young. And I found letters. Many, many letters from people who I had loved.
Four letters my father had written me when I was away at college. "I was waiting to hear from you, honey. We love you and miss you. Call or write when you get the chance." I don't think I called or wrote much at all. And then he died.

Letters from the first man I loved, the one I almost married. Letters of devotion, full of plans for the future, our children, our lifetime together that never happened.

Letters from other men I dated, including the man I did marry, telling me how wonderful I was, how they felt so blessed to have me in their lives, how I made them a better person, how they were amazed that someone like me loved them.

It has been many years since anyone really gave me a hug and told me how wonderful I am. I mean, my kids hug me, they love me. And I get amazing support on this blog and from online friends. But there was a time in my life when I was surrounded by love and appreciation. It was tangible. It was face to face and I knew that people adored me and thought highly of me. I had so much confidence. I remember it. My self image was shored up by the love and praise and adoration of others. And I haven't had that, not personally, face to face, in my life, in a very long time. I used to feel like I was *the whole world* to someone, be it my Dad, my best friend, my boyfriend, my husband. Not anymore. I miss it. The whole experience with the box brought me to tears.

I ate a lot of stuff, not crazy and shoveling, but just eating here and there and I probably put away a good 2500 calories AFTER breakfast and lunch. And I look at that and I think, "I could have had a nice dinner out. I could have had that pizza I wanted. I could have gone to the deli and bought cheesecake. I could have eaten the whole box of Tim Tams that I resisted in the store, and then some." But instead I wasted thousands of calories on what? On stuff that I didn't really care about, on some lame old cheese and crackers. On stuff that wasn't even worth the calories at all.

I packed the box back up and put it away, but my mind is reawakened with memories. I want my Dad back, I want to be the ray of sunshine in someone's life. I want to have the emotional intimacy I used to have with people and no longer seem to have in my life. I want to revamp my entire life.

I am working on making things better for me, but I can't turn back the clock and I can't undo what's been done. I don't really want suggestions, because I know I should put myself out there socially more in order to form new relationships that will be fulfilling. I'm working on it. I guess all of this... the emotion, the sense of loss, the loss of self... is the basic underlying reason I ever got fat in the first place. It is easier to stuff a slice of cheese in my mouth than to find the kinds of things I am truly longing for.

I don't really know how to deal with this stuff, so I'll just pack it away again and hope that one day, when my circumstances change, I can heal and let the past go, and not let it hurt me anymore. I am keeping that box open in my mind, though. I need the remembrance and the hope and I need to gradually, carefully pick through those feelings when I lie in bed awake at night so that they can heal... without the band-aid of food.

Drink Some Tea! My Favorites

First, a brief update: my foot is healing. It is feeling better every day. I still have to stay off it some and be careful, but with the nice soft padded socks I am wearing and the inserts for my shoes, both feet are feeling much improved. I have biked for 10 minutes on no resistance for the past couple of nights, but that's all the exercise I am getting (besides the strength training/upper body sessions twice a week). My eating is pretty good (as you can see if you read my menu Tweets) and I am back down to 225 pounds, which is the lowest weight I hit in December and also the lowest weight I have been in a year. I feel great and am excited to watch the scale going down again!

A long time ago I wrote about how much I love tea. I have a tea collection that you would not believe! Every time I see a new tea in the store, I have to try it. (Yeah, it substitutes for buying those new cookies or candy bars. But tea has no calories! Works for me!) Currently, I have no less than 50 flavors of tea in my kitchen. Crazy? Yeah... but I drink tea every day, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. It helps fill me, warm me, soothe me, plus it helps get that water in. Since this week's Healthy Habit relates to fluid intake, I thought I'd share my favorite teas.

My #1 favorite tea that I drink everyday (mainly for the health benefits) is Bigelow Green Tea with Lemon. I love this stuff. I used to *hate* green tea because it tasted grassy and bitter to me. But Bigelow won me over. This is the tea I drink every morning with breakfast. Now, let me add that I do not drink it hot. I drink this tea cool or iced. If you like water with a bit of lemon in it, you'll like this. I brew it for about 3 minutes with water that is not quite at boiling, in about 4oz of water. Then I add that to about 12 oz of cold water (or cold water and ice in summertime) for a very refreshing drink to go with my meals. No calories, lots of health benefits, love it!

*Remember that the reason a lot of people don't like green tea is that they oversteep it (too long) or use water that is too hot (boiling). Try a gentle, short brew and see what you think. And remember that a cup of green tea has the same health benefits even if you dilute it in a bunch of water to make it taste better to you!

I am trying to drink at least 2 cups of green tea each day, so I have several flavors on hand including a few decaf in case it is later in the day before I get to that second cup. I usually drink these teas *hot* but in the summertime I will pour them over ice and have it as my dinnertime beverage. Some green teas I enjoy:

Celestial Seasonings Candy Cane Lane Decaf Green Tea (not 'green tea-ish' at all! so good)
Celestial Seasonings Mandarin Orchard Decaf Green Tea
Stash Pomegranate Raspberry Green Tea with Matcha (excellent plain)
Stash Ginger Peach Green Tea with Matcha (quite gingery, a bit of a bite to it, great for upset tummy)
Choice Organic Ban-cha Toasted Green Tea (omg this is soooo good, I cannot describe it, very different. LOVE this with milk & agave)

White tea is supposed to have similar health benefits to green tea, so I have them for variety:
Celestial Seasonings Antioxidant Plum White Tea
Trader Joe's Pomegranate White Tea

Sometimes I want a regular, traditional black English breakfast tea. I have two that I love:
Mlesna Ceylon English Breakfast Tea (the best! excellent!!)
PG Tips Black Tea (a close second, so much better than that plain Lipton crap)

I also enjoy other kinds of tea that serve as a special treat. I love dessert teas because with a bit of agave nectar and milk, they feel like a nice indulgence mid-afternoon, or the decaf ones are great in the evening when I might feel a bit hungry but not want a lot of calories. Some favorites:

Celestial Seasonings Madagascar Vanilla Red Rooibos Tea (rooibos has no caffeine. This one is my fave flavor for "something sweet" anytime. It is heavenly!)
Celestial Seasonings Red Safari Spice Rooibos Tea (yummy and a bit spicy!)
Celestial Seasonings Nutcracker Sweet Black Tea (Seasonal, so if you want this, get it now!)
Stash Chocolate Hazelnut Decaf Tea (Nice for dessert)
Celestial Seasonings Almond Sunset Dessert Tea (I loove almond, reminds me of almond cookies)
Guayaki Mate Chocolatte Yerba Mate Tea (mate is wonderful for a calm energy and alertness without any jitters. I drink the regular, non-chocolate kind too).

I have so many teas I love it would be hard to tell you all of them, but there's a start. I was trying to figure out a way to *show* you the tea boxes, and the easiest way for me to let you see them is to create an amazon store. A lot of the teas are out of stock on amazon, plus some of them you have to buy like 6 or 12 boxes at once, so just use this link to look at the tea boxes so you know what you are looking for when you go to the grocery store. Most of these can be found at Walmart or any other grocery in the tea aisle: Lyn's Tea Collection.

I also buy and adore the loose Masala Chai from Indonique.com. I think it is the best Chai out there. This is the stuff I drink every morning before breakfast; I put 2/3 c. water in a pot with 1 tsp loose Chai and 1 tsp loose Yerba Mate and after it simmers and brews a bit I add 1/3 c. milk and 2 tsp agave nectar. Heaven!!!!!!! If you order something from them right now, they will send you a free box of Chocolate Chai as well. Tell them Lyn sent ya! (I haven't gotten any $$ kickbacks from Indonique but they *have* sent me some free teas before when I blogged about them). They really do have nice teas...

Also, let me add that one appliance my family uses every day and loves is this: Sunbeam Hot Shot. I got it a couple of years ago to make my tea, but it is one of the most useful things in my kitchen. It is just a simple thing. You pour water in it and it boils the water and turns off. That's it. But it only takes like, 30 or 40 seconds to boil my water for tea every morning! I use it for tea and coffee. The kids use it for those instant soups/noodles, making hot chocolate, or instant oatmeal. Anything you need boiled water for, this is great! Last time I checked they sell them at Walmart. Actually, this tea infusing Thermos is one of my other favorite tea gadgets. It brews my loose or bagged tea when I am running out the door in the mornings and keeps it hot.

I would really love it if you would feed my addiction by leaving me a comment naming your favorite tea! Really, you should see my eyeballs get big when I see new flavors in the tea aisle. Tea makes me happy!

Have a great weekend!

Hoarding: Breakthrough Part II

After my post yesterday about the extreme urge to buy and eat junk because I CAN, I got lots of wonderful comments about this issue. I also started thinking more in depth about this behavior and the thought patterns that have led to it. It really IS all about fear.

There were those who left comments that they tend to buy lots and lots of food out of worry/fear that they might run out. And there was a comment by someone who started hoarding basic care items like shampoo, in response to that almost-subconscious fear of being unable to afford such things later.

Aha. Now I see the even bigger picture!

More than a decade ago, when my first marriage was ending, I knew things were going to be bad. I'd been a stay-at-home mom for several years; I had four little kids and no income of my own. We'd just bought a house and a car and I saw the divorce looming, and I got a little panicky worrying about how I would have ANY money to buy anything. In the month before my husband left, I started buying extra stuff: shampoo, soap, toothpaste, food, etc. In fact, one of the basement closets was actually stuffed full of my hidden stash of toilet paper, paper towels, and feminine products. Another closet had several flats of tuna and canned soup and tomatoes. When my husband moved out, I was suddenly *completely* without income. It took 3 months to start getting child support, and another couple of months for me to find a job. And if I hadn't had that stash of stuff, I have no idea what we would've used to brush our teeth or wipe our butts. Seriously. And the food helped immensely. But you know what? It wasn't *enough* of a stash, I ran out, and I had no money to buy anything. It was quite difficult.

Later on when things got better I always looked back on that and thought, "wow, it was a good thing I had the foresight to stock up on essentials before I was broke." But I also remember the daily stress of not having things I *hadn't* stocked up on, like shoes or socks without holes, medicines, pencils, deodorant... all the little things you don't think about until you need them.

I guess I have become a hoarder of sorts. I didn't ever connect this with my eating, but it *IS* connected. When things in my current marriage started going south (if you are really interested, you can find some info on this blog, but I am not going into it any further right now), I almost subconsciously started buying extra "stuff." Instead of one deodorant, I'd buy two. Every trip to the store, I'd grab an extra bottle of shampoo, laundry soap, Windex, whatever. I did not even really notice what I was doing, but now if I look in my closet there are a dozen deodorants, 10 containers of dental floss, a couple months worth of bath soaps, 8 bottles of glass cleaner, 6 months worth of multi vitamins, 3 bottles of Children's Tylenol.... you get the picture. It's a little over the top. But it makes me feel safer. I see all that extra stuff and I think, "well, if things turn ugly and I am suddenly broke, at least I will have this STUFF." I worry that IF *something happens* I will not have the money to buy toilet bowl cleaner or laundry stain remover or trash bags, so I buy 3x what I need NOW. Just in case. Food, too. Pantry is well-stocked, but I am always bringing home an extra bag of lentils or beans to stick in the back of the closet, just in case.

This has even bubbled over into not wanting to get rid of "stuff," which is a sign of a classic hoarder that lives in a house stacked to the hilt with all manner of things they will never use. I'm not THAT bad... I don't mind getting rid of junk. But anything that might have value? I keep it. I don't sell it because WHAT IF *something happens* someday? I will want to have some items of value to sell for cash. So even though I got rid of most of my fat clothes, I kept back the nicest, brand-name items in a box. Even though my youngest (and final) child is 4 years old, I have tub after tub of Gymboree baby clothes because *someday*, if *something* happens, I know I can sell them on Ebay for some decent cash. When I was poor before, I sold off just about everything I owned just to pay the bills... until I had nothing left I could sell. Part of me feels comforted that I have stuff to sell, even though I do not need any of it and would rather not have it in the house right now.

And then there is the body hoarding. I used to be afraid that if I lost all my weight, there would be some kind of famine or food crisis and I would die of starvation. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but it was a very real fear. In my mind I thought, "All the skinny people will die first in a famine. We obese people have a reserve of fuel ON our bodies and we would survive longer on less food." This used to bug me a LOT. I was using my body as a "food storage" mechanism. But I processed those thoughts, I got to the point where I convinced myself I am better off healthy NOW instead of killing myself hoarding food in my fat cells for some future possible famine. I have overcome that fear.

It's all the same fear. Fear of someday, something happening, and not having enough. I don't really know what the solution to this is... part of me wants to buy a ton of healthy canned food and keep it back, just in case. Part of me says it is ok to hang onto things I can sell later, as long as the things are not taking over the house. I have been able to let go of the need to stay fat to feel safe from famine; I think I will also be able to work through this tendency to hang onto extra "stuff" in case of disaster, too. I want to be prepared, but I want to stop worrying.

Knowing what's going on is helping me tremendously. I feel so much better acknowledging the fear that's been the driving force for my behaviors. And now I can make a solid, sensible plan for the *realistic* just-in-cases... a plan that will help me feel secure. A plan that won't hurt me anymore.