Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wishes

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to eat. Oh, I don't wish I *couldn't* eat. I have friends whose children cannot eat by mouth, and my own child has had some eating issues. What I wish is that I could just skate by, not eating unless I wanted to. I wish I could live on all shakes or something and never eat food unless I felt like it on some special occasion. But that wouldn't be healthy, physically or mentally. We need real food, that's just a fact. I admit there were times when I was on Medifast that I was sorely tempted to skip the "real food" portions and just drink shakes or eat the bars, but I never did it. For me it is difficult to think about food AT ALL some days. Having to go, "hmmm, should I have chicken breast, tuna, or eggs tonight? and what would go well with that... broccoli, salad, or cabbage?" seemed to get me started thinking about all the things I *really* wanted to eat but couldn't. Oh, I am grateful I have a choice. I am sure there are people out there who have nothing to eat but tuna. I lived on stale donuts from the food bank every morning for about three years, because we couldn't afford to BUY food for breakfast, so don't think I don't get that. But still, I sometimes wish I could just avoid eating altogether.

I think it would be simpler, and sort of nice, to just take a Food Supplement every few hours, never get hungry, and be fully nourished. I have this very strong, love/hate relationship with food these days. I LOVE to eat, love the textures and tastes of everything from fudge to carrots. I enjoy salmon. I love zucchini. I bask in the wonderful feeling of well-being when I eat a beautiful, jewel-red pomegranate (they are IN SEASON right now, people, do not miss them! See my post from last year: Pomegranates for Health. And if you want a totally fantastic pomegranate recipe, check this out. See? I love food.) But I hate food too. It nags me, annoys me, bothers me, interrupts my thoughts. It distracts me and seems to pull at me all the time. I hate having to plan and think about it and wonder about it. I wish I could just drink shakes and ignore everything else.

But I can't do that, it just wouldn't be healthy at all. I understand medically supervised liquid diets in extreme circumstances for the super-morbidly obese if that is what their doctor recommends, but not for the rest of us. Our bodies need actual food going through the digestive tract, and we need the nutrients found in vegetables that you can't get anywhere else. So even when I am on Medifast, I face the same dilemma: almonds or celery for a snack? What shall I make for dinner? And while I love to cook, I'd rather just stay out of the kitchen when I am trying to lose weight. Granted, Medifast makes it easier because I don't have to think about breakfast or lunch or any food other than dinner and a snack. It does free up my mind from food obsession A LOT. And this week I have really missed that. I have had to focus on my eating much more than usual, and as a result I don't have the time or energy do deal with "other stuff." But I am working on it.

So, in an effort to make my eating as mindless as possible (well, I mean, when I eat the food I will be mindful of it, but the actual *choosing a food to eat* process can be mindless), I am planning out my menu for tomorrow, tonight. I am sitting here making a list of what I *will* eat. I've done this in the past, years ago. I like the structure but I always rebelled because the inner brat wants what she wants, and why should she have to eat a banana instead of an apple JUST BECAUSE it says so in the meal plan? ::tantrum::

Anyway, what was meant to be a break is turning into just the opposite... a lot of effort. But I am learning, so that's good. I also am religiously doing my physical therapy exercises every day and have another appointment tomorrow. And hey, maybe I better get started on the Christmas shopping for my five kids!?!

Hang in there guys. We will get there.

11 comments:

Claire said...

Ok. Look. You have been on a very low calorie diet. Now you are eating more.

Your body is craving food. It wants you to overeat. it will try to force you to overeat.

Believe me I've come off very low calorie diets a number of times. For me the massive hunger/desire fades after a week or so. Then its just normal hunger.

My point being that this isn't about your mind hunger..this is a physical thing as well. Just wait it out.

Diandra said...

Of course you knew it wouldn't be easy. You still have to learn what a healthy "free" meal looks like - even if your head knows what's healthy and what's not, your body will still be, "But I feel sooooo bad without that cookie!"

However, another thing which almost drove me completely mad when I started doing this "Loose weight and eat healthy" thing was - what do I really want to eat? And it drove me nuts, too. Realizing what one really wants can be very, very scary. And there may be surprises in there for you.

(One of my strongest cravings is usually for broccoli. The second strongest is for cashews. And here I am, always thought my cravings were about crisps and chocolate.)

It may take quite some time for you to learn what is good for you and what isn't - and what your body really wants when it starts with these strange cravings - but after a few weeks (or months) it becomes easy.

(Last weekend, when I visited my sister, I found myself craving more vegetables. And the food she had cooked was delicious. But still... greens? *looook*)

NAN said...

Do you think it would help you to plan all meals and snacks- say for the entire week? An acquanitance of mine with 4 kids (one with special needs)does that for the month. She is extremely frugal and leftovers are for lunches the next day so she cooks daily. I doubt if she worries much about food though and thinks of it merely as fuel. She has her monthly meals down to a science! She also works full time as a teacher. I know for myself when I am the busiest I am the most productive!

MizFit said...

I think it would be simpler, and sort of nice, to just take a Food Supplement every few hours

oh how frequently I heard that when I was personal training.

the choice, while a gift as you point out, can be EXHAUSTING.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

A couple of years ago I had jaw surgery and could only drink Ensure for over 2 months.

While it WAS a relief to not have think about food choices (and I lost weight rapidly), you're right, it was not real life.

Once I could chew, I paid the price of not eating real food for all that time...I started eating and eating, gaining over 80 pounds in a little over a year.

I felt like my body was driving me to eat - the logical part of my brain seemed powerless. Deprivation backlash...as a yo-yo dieter, I have experienced this over and over again.

You mentioned about wanting to rebel against a banana vs. an apple. Why not put "1 serving of fruit" on your plan instead of being so specific? Then you can enjoy the freedom of having whatever fruit you feel like at the time, and whatever choice you make is still okay.

Tabitha said...

I have often wished that humans didn't have to eat, Lyn. I bet that a lot of us who struggle with our weight have wished it. Planning and preparing food is going to be my greatest challenge once I hit my goal weight.

Why don't you make out several menu plans at once? If you wake up one morning and decide you don't want something on that day's menu, pick something from another day's menu. Just a thought.

Leslie said...

Oh Lyn - I've said the same thing so many times...I do fine until I introduce the first food of the day - then the juices get flowing (gastric? mental wackness? addictive thinking?) and it becomes a "deal" again.

I've said many times on my blog that mostly I seek peace with food. For myself. I'm not sure what that will look like when it happens, and I think my fear that it will look like celery and white meat keeps me trying to write my own script for that peace. Hang in, Lyn. You ARE learning and making real progress.

I think there is a lot of "the mind has to catch up with the body" stuff going on for you these days. Given the time, the mind WILL. But it's hard being in the waiting room.

Theresa said...

I wish you all the best with this break you are taking Lyn. I don't really have any advice, and I do know that it was sudden..... *or if it was something you were planning I missed that post!! :D

Anyhow..... the more you are able to plan the better things will be. I am thinking it is the PLANNING that is making you rebel. For me there is no alternative. Plan or wing it. Winging it always leads to overdoing it. (for me)
I'm away for Christmas so here's a big hug and a prayer. Stay strong. You know you can do it. I still say the MF is a gift (especially since it's offered to you n/c) and you should dig in and finish it the way it's written. Just my two cents. I know you will get through this and EVERYTHING else and succeed.
xxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Frankly, the desire to never have to eat again is a sign of disordered thinking about food and eating.

Have you read "Overcoming Overeating" or "Intuitive Eating"?

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Yes, Overcoming Overeating is a really great read! I will look for the other one next time I need new reading material, thanks. I think my whole blog has been about my disordered eating, actually. I have an eating disorder and think I always need to be aware and keep working on my relationship with food and food thoughts.

Anonymous said...

In Christ we have two natures that are contrary to one another..Paul said in Romans..Rom 7:15 I do not understand what I do; for I don't do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate.
Rom 7:16 Since what I do is what I don't want to do, this shows that I agree that the Law is right.
Rom 7:17 So I am not really the one who does this thing; rather it is the sin that lives in me.
Rom 7:18 I know that good does not live in me---that is, in my human nature. For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it.
Rom 7:19 I don't do the good I want to do; instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do.
Rom 7:20 If I do what I don't want to do, this means that I am no longer the one who does it; instead, it is the sin that lives in me.
Rom 7:21 So I find that this law is at work: when I want to do what is good, what is evil is the only choice I have.
Rom 7:22 My inner being delights in the law of God.
Rom 7:23 But I see a different law at work in my body---a law that fights against the law which my mind approves of. It makes me a prisoner to the law of sin which is at work in my body.
Rom 7:24 What an unhappy man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is taking me to death?
Rom 7:25 Thanks be to God, who does this through our Lord Jesus Christ! This, then, is my condition: on my own I can serve God's law only with my mind, while my human nature serves the law of sin. This speaks of our old nature and when the holy spirit dwells in us we have a new nature. The two are always contending..You feed the new and crucify the old. It seems the same principle applies to us who struggle in the area of food. You have the one that wants to do the right thing..but in the background is that old man saying "Oh, just this one time, come on, it won't hurt you" Boy, not eating does seem easier..but some of our most enjoyable moments with one another have been spent around the table of great fellowship. Don't give up it will be a fight to the end. But on the bright side..there will be an end. Wishing everyone strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. Susan b