Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I am Thin, I am Fat

I am thin, because my legs fit into those tiny looking size 10 jeans.
I am fat, because some days I just don't believe it and still put on that last lonely, baggy pair of size 14's.
I am thin, because all my rings are falling off even my largest fingers now.
I am fat, because my upper arms swing and sway, loaded down with fat in a most horrific manner.
I am thin, because I see a slim, defined waist when I wear a form fitting size medium shirt.
I am fat, because when I am naked, the vast expanse of my belly reminds me of being pregnant.
I am thin, because I can wear any regular-sized watches or bracelets I want to now, even ones that used to be far too small.
I am fat, because when I hang my arms down and bend my wrists, there is a small puddle of skin folds right at the tops of my hands and elbows.
I am thin, because I can hike and walk for miles.
I am fat, because I can't hike or walk more than 2 miles without pain.
I am thin, because I have a defined jawline.
I am fat, because I see some crepe-paper-looking skin on my neck.
I am thin, because I eat vegetables and lean meats and healthy fats in moderation.
I am fat, because if I eat one cookie, I eat a dozen.
I am thin, because in a slim jacket, jeans, and boots I look hot.
I am fat, because in a swimsuit I look atrocious. Seriously. At least from the waist down.
I am thin, because I can cross my legs.
I am fat, because when I walk quickly, I can feel the loose, jiggly fat on my thighs swinging forward in a way that actually hurts the tops of my thighs.
I am thin, because I look in the mirror and can see it.
I am fat, because I look in the mirror and can see it.

But more and more I am thin. The new mindset is starting to take over. No matter what anyone else sees when they look at me now, what matters is what *I* see and what *I* think. More often I see the good changes and I focus less on the negatives. More and more, I see reality rather than illusion.

The fact is, I am on the fuzzy edge between thin and fat. I am "overweight"... not obese, not ideal. If I gained 20 pounds I'd certainly be obese and if I lost 20 I'd be close to ideal. I'm in an interesting place where whether I think I am fat or not, I am right.

I choose to be who I am, and I am beginning, finally, to let go of the labels. I am just me. My body is what it is. Calling it names does not change that fact at all. Loving myself and respecting what I have done and am continuing to do for my health is the best course. I am learning every day to know and understand and accept myself. And that is a good thing.

18 comments:

Dillypoo said...

"I am learning every day to know and understand and accept myself. And that is a good thing."

And that is the reason you started this journey. You just didn't know it at the time.

Congratulations!

aperfectversionofmyself said...

Thanks for this Lynn. I'm having a really tough time lately and I need some inspiration to not give up and eat the world.

bbubblyb said...

Great post Lyn! I keep wondering if I will ever accept myself as thin. I think these days it's about the fat brain more than what I see in the mirror. I need to start thinking like a thin person.

PlumpNotFat said...

What a great post - it's like you're in my head!!

To add:

I am thin because I look at myself in the mirror and it doesn't look horrific

I am fat because I see pictures of me and realize how bad my body dysmorphia is

Anne H said...

In one of my favorite Zen Koans,
A student sees a flag moving in the wind.
And asks the teacher if it is the wind
that is moving, or the flag.
The teacher answered: "Niether -
It is the MIND that is moving!"

Out bodies made the change....
But our minds now need to catch up!

*sorry about the deletion!*

Anonymous said...

You look great and you have made tremendous progress! However, as your experiment recently demonstrated, you hit a "false low" through low-carbing and depleting your glycogen. 6-8 pounds of water weight that you gained is weight you will have to put on if you go back to a "normal" diet (which I hope you do) that incorporates grains and fruits. And, I'm not sure how you've picked your "ideal" weight - I think it was based on BMI? - but only when you're closer can you reasonably estimate based on your personal skin, bone and muscle mass. I mean, unless you had a DEXA or high quality test. For me, a BMI of 22 feels much more "ideal weight" but obese people often have a higher bone and muscle mass as well as loose skin which means that there's a much lower fat level at a corresponding weight. I find using bodyfat% (18%-very lean, 22%- normal, healthy, 25%-high end of normal, 30%-overweight, 35%- obese) as a way of cutting through the morass of body image issues.

Karen said...

Lyn, that was such a great post and explained how many of us feel (or have felt) when we have lost weight. And it was very creative too. :) I really enjoyed it.

Tammy said...

Excellent post Lyn. :)

Lanie Painie said...

Excellent post. If you figure out the magic pill for that self-love thing let me know!

FatAngryBlog said...

Excellent post!

kristi said...

I was on Medifast from May 27th to Aug 17th and lost 70 pounds. I thought, I only have 20 or 30 to go, I just want to take a week off and eat some fruit.

I have been fighting daily with myself to try to get back on medifast. Everyday has been a challenge, and usually I fail. It is hard to get back on. I am up 15 pounds now, and demand myself to get back on, until something better walks across my sight. Good luck. I hope that you can hop the band wagon better than I. I hope that your resolve will be enough for me as well to jump back on.

Anonymous said...

You have done so well, Lyn. I know you have a place you would like to get to in your mind and that is great. I am just wondering and (feel free to tell me to MYOB) what is your feeling on PS in general and in your situation.

Weigh was an issue for a few years until I found it I was actually sick (I was doing everything right but gaining and gaining). Now, I have the opposite problem. And people think that it is easy being on the other side but it's not. The health risks are there (different ones) but there. However, I could really use BR surgery. It's sure hard to find a bra in a 32 (and a LARGE cup size) but I have had enough surgery and will need more in years to come to schedule what would be considered elective. Anyone want to chime in here. KOKO, Lyn. You are an inspiration to many; but most importantly your family. Be well!

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

It took me a few minutes but I *think* PS = plastic surgery?

I think it is a personal decision, but in my case, I have several children who depend solely on me for their parenting, and I would not be willing to risk any elective surgery because I will not take the chance of leaving my kids without me. Plus I am a big scaredy cat :)

I bet the skin will be much better if I lose the fat and give it enough time (at least 5 years).

Jane said...

Delurking to tell you that your post really spoke to me. It was really lovely and a lot of days how I feel to a T. Thanks!

Jessica Strong said...

Haven't read your terrific blog in a year. Yay for progress! Yay for you, you being a blogger in my life, and you having such great wins!

R. Reed said...

This is such a revealing and interesting post. I am new to your blog, but really liked this post.

I am just starting, my last, journey in weight loss. What you wrote about here are the exact things I wonder about.

Thank you for such a revealing, heartwarming post! I look forward to following :)

destinationathlete said...

I don't post much on your blog, but I have to say that this post really struck me.

I've copied and pasted it to my own blog, linking to you.

Thank you.

~ L a y l a ~ said...

Your blog really hits me where it counts...the heart.