Monday, November 1, 2010

November 1, 2010: 175 Pounds

October was a momentous month for me. I finally reached 100 pounds gone, posted pictures, and took stock of where I am and where I want to be. I hit a weight that makes me very happy and gives me a lot of freedom to do almost everything I want to do. It feels like along with 100 pounds, I also lost about 10 or 15 years off my age! I feel more alive and vibrant than I did in my late 20's, and I am doing things I've dreamed of for over a decade. Life is good!

In October, I had a goal of staying on plan with my eating for 30 days. I got this simple idea from a message board I frequent that had a "30 Days On Plan" thread. I figured, "hey, if they can do it, so can I." It was a good challenge for me, especially since I screwed around so much with my eating in September. I wanted to give it my all and see what kind of results I could get this month. And I did it! No binges, no mini-binges, no "oh just this once" junk. I focused in on my eating and when I wanted to go off plan, I told myself NO. There were some really hard days (only about 4 all month) where I really, really wanted to binge or eat pasta or a cake. It was not easy on those days, but I really wanted the success more. As a result, I lost eleven pounds in October. That is really a fantastic loss for me. Including October, I have lost an average of 1.68 pounds per week since March 1 (8 months).

I had mentioned how there was a second Halloween party we were invited to as well, last night, and how I was not able to bring anything and had no idea what would be served. Two weeks ago I knew that party would be happening, and I used it as leverage for myself. "Self, listen. You stay on plan for 30 days, no screwing around, and then IF there is off plan food at this party you want, you can have it. ONE meal. Reasonable portions. Day 31 can be a small break. NO Halloween candy though, NO binges, and right back to work on November 1."

So I did that... and yes I know some people think that is awful (food as reward) or terrific (eating normal stuff) but if I have learned one thing in three years on this journey is to do what works for ME.

All morning yesterday I ate on plan. In the afternoon I took my kids to a pumpkin patch festival where we go every year. At the end of the day we always have an ice cream cone together (which is special because we do not keep ice cream in the house). Instead of ice cream, I got myself 4 pieces of sugar free chocolate. They make their candy on site. It was really good! I enjoyed my off plan treat *without* the sugar high/crash of ice cream.

Later we went to the party. Before we went, I had some scrambled egg beaters and spinach to get in enough protein and veggies in case there wasn't enough at the party. When we got there the spread was very nice! I had 4 mini meatballs, a bunch of raw broccoli, 2 bites of corn bread, and a nice large serving of... homemade macaroni and cheese! This was in interesting experience. Let me tell you why.

I saw it on the table. Big pan of soft noodles, creamy yellow cheese and crusty breadcrumbs. If you have read my blog for long you know that mac & cheese has always been a favorite of mine. It's been a trigger food, a friend, a lover, a comfort, a very emotionally charged food for me. I got a little excited when I saw it because I have not had that "oh my god" high from food in quite a while. So I scooped it on my plate and sat down to eat.

It was good. It was creamy and salty and excellent. HOWEVER, I kept waiting for the high. I kept waiting for the total emotional absorption of myself into the food. It did not happen. At all. I ate my serving slowly, and it was tasty and fine and everything, but the whole "soaring over the earth" food high just never came. I finished it. I didn't care if I had more or not. I cleared my place and went on with party activities and just forgot about the macaroni and cheese. I freaking FORGOT about a huge pan of macaroni and cheese! It did not call to me, beckon me, summon me in any way. Neither did the Halloween candy on every table. My dessert was a single marshmallow dipped in butterscotch and nuts. That was very tasty, but I did not need to eat the whole tray.

The BIG revelation, the true BIG moment in this, is that a) I did not feel ANYTHING but nourishment from the food... it was as if I were eating my usual chicken and veggies. It tastes good, it nourishes, then I am done. NO EMOTION in the food. This is HUGE for me, especially with mac & cheese. And the second half to the big revelation is this: b) I did not feel guilty, bad, or like I was "cheating" after I ate that stuff. I did not think "well I ate a bunch of crap, I may as well go home and have brownie batter." I did not wake up this morning plotting to go to the mall for pizza and a cinnabon because I am already "off plan." No. I have zero emotion in that food. Not positive, not negative. It was just food! And I am eating my usual, on plan foods this morning.

Isn't that amazing? It is to me. Knowing where I came from, this is astonishing. But I want to put it out there. Because if someone as emotionally attached and addicted to food (carbs) as I have been can FINALLY heal enough to have a normal relationship with a pan of macaroni and cheese, there is hope. There is hope! I think my brain is changing. Maybe the "lifelong struggle" won't be as hard as I thought it would. Time will tell.

Goal for November: thirty more days on plan, and the 160's!

25 comments:

Meg said...

You do rock!

Leslie said...

Fantastic. Thanks for the inspiration.

Anonymous said...

That was awesome ! You did great at the party.

Angela G said...

Very inspiring post. Gives me some hope that this food addition thingy can be fought and won. Great job!

Lanie Painie said...

yahoo! I love a story bout a Halloween miracle! You GO girl!

Casey said...

Great post! I heard someone say that food needs to become boring, in order to be able to conquer the addiction of overeating. It sounds like this is what she meant!
Good job!
Casey

Julia said...

WTG - that is awesome to have no emotional attachment to the food that was you trigger :)

M Pax said...

Yaaay Lyn! I'm so happy to see your progress. Wooot!

Diana said...

I get it Lyn, food is just food, not love. :)

Hey - me too! I want to be in the 160's by the end of November. Firmly in there, like maybe 166 or so. I'm following your lead my friend!

Anonymous said...

It is so great to read your blog and see your success... your never give up attitude is a winner and so are you!
You give me hope.

Ty said...

I just fond your blog and find your posts to be so inspiring! Congratulations on your success! I will continue to follow your journey as I continue on with my own.

Linda said...

Thank you for sharing this post. It really nice to see those words in black and white. So good to know that there might come a day that whatever "normal" is I might get there. LOL.

Hugs,
Linda

Shauna said...

That's so awesome! Food to me, these days, is also quite bland. I rarely have cravings anymore...and when I do, I take a small bite of whatever it is that I'm craving...and that satisfies it. No big deal! I love that feeling of being in control...not being under control. Way to go!

Karen said...

SOOOOO proud of your success! I really do hope to join you in this soon. I want to celebrate better health the way you are!

On a separate note, is anyone else having trouble clicking on your ads? I keep timing out and I love to explore them and see what they have to offer!!! I have seen some good deals in the past.

Lisa said...

What a great moment to realize all that! Goo Lyn!

Anonymous said...

i'm really happy for you :) :)

my current experience is that... the emotional charge is gone, but i sometimes still binge out of HABIT. it's like an auto-pilot thing... but without the enjoyment, without the self-hatred. if i do it for a few days, the sugar addition symptoms start to come back, but they feel more physical, and less emotional. much more in-control. i weigh 170, and my high was 220.

it can be done - without being in effort all the time!!!

Vee and the Kid said...

Major breakthrough! Woohoo to you! Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

great job! I'm just curious...will you ever show a picture of your face or remain anonymous?

Gin22464 said...

What a great NSV for you! That is so great to hear! Keep it up!

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Maybe? Not sure :)

Chris said...

October was a 100 for me as well! I am totally with you on this type of victory. I have literally had ZERO Halloween candy this year. I used to snack through a bag in no time! Yeah us! lol!

icannotweight said...

I really appreciate you saying you do what works for you. I feel like I need to stop listening to the critics and do what works for me too!

Aimster said...

I just found your blog, and I have been reading a lot of your older and newer posts, and let me say, I am inspired! I actually sat down yesterday and decided, this is it. I NEED to loose weight. I am 26, had a baby almost a year ago, and I am 6lbs. heavier than when I got pregnant. I am starting a blog also and will continue to follow you on your journey because I am sure you will help me on mine!

Dinah Soar said...

Makes me wonder if it--binging, cravings etc.-- is emotional or related to the type of food one eats. I've read that eating protein and limiting carb/sugar intake has a big effect on the appetite. I know when I don't eat enough protein I'm hungrier.

Does what I eat drive my hunger or does my hunger drive my eating?

screwdestiny said...

*high five* You're awesome!