Friday, November 5, 2010

A New Security

It's funny. Lately, I feel a new sense of security about my weight loss. I don't mean overconfidence, or smugness, or that I am "letting my guard down" about my eating. I know I have had years of disordered eating patterns and it's gonna take a long time to (mostly) erase all of that. But ever since I hit 175, I felt something new. I feel secure.

I no longer panic if I have an "off" day. It's like I know... I just *know* to my core that the morbid obesity is over. It is gone. I am reborn, in a sense. And while I am still *me* and I do still have food issues I continue to address, I am not living in fear of regression like I used to.

It used to be that as I'd lose weight, I'd get more and more anxious that I was going to flip out and gain it all back. Easy to do, in small chunks. I could take 2 months to lose 10 pounds and gain it all back within a matter of days by binge eating. And yes, it would take another month or two to get it back off. I always felt like I was walking a tightrope: one slip and I'm a goner. I was terrified of ice cream cones, Reese's peanut butter cups, and potato chips because OH MY GOSH THEY MIGHT DESTROY ME. In one instant, in one bite. I would start the downward spiral into that pit of deep dark despair where it would take weeks or months or years to claw my way back out and start again. It was a very scary way to be.

I am not there anymore. Maybe I seem a little lax, even. I ate a piece of chocolate, so what? I make a mental note. I feel my feelings. I do what needs to be done. I don't go flipping out and lose my mind. Because my *mind* has changed. I no longer fear the cookie. I no longer believe that a French fry has power over me. It doesn't. I own my own power.

Food is not moral. If I eat a piece of cheesecake that is not *bad* or a sin of some sort. It is a choice. Of course, it is not a choice that will lead to weight loss, but it is also not *necessarily* a choice that will lead me to massive weight gain, either. I am done with extremes. I am done with overreacting and letting food and eating be some big massive emotionally charged Thing in my life. It's just food. So what?

My goal is to lose weight, of course. I want to get some more pounds off my knees and start to build strength and fitness as well. Some months I have taken the "long road" as you can tell by 2009 which brought me no closer *physically* to my weight loss goals, but you know what? I have NO regrets about that. None. That long road was the path to success for me. Some people do better to zip on by and get the weight off lickity split and deal with any "issues" later. Not me. I have done, and am doing, a LOT of mental work along the way, even if it meant months of stalls, weeks of frustration, and many, many tears. Those tears are what built this new me. They flowed together into a stream of awareness that as enabled me to drop this weight and, so far, build a better life for myself, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Days like yesterday? I am fine with them. I feel fantastic today. I am happy. Every time I *do something* whether it is eating/not eating, choosing/not choosing, believing/not believing... every time it adds a new bit of strength and insight to what I am becoming. I *love* this journey. And especially now that I am at a reasonably comfortable weight, it is really NOT all about getting to goal as quickly as I can, although I'd like to do that too. It's about the wonderful things I am learning about myself every day. I so enjoy every lesson. When I walk past a bakery, or my daughter wants to make muffins, or I get invited out for dinner, I no longer fear those things. I revel in the challenges! I get excited, because whatever choice I make teaches me something. I feel like I am getting a PhD in *myself.* And I love it.


Anonymous said...

I would recommend reading French Women Don't Get Fat. While some of the teachings are debatable, it is an interesting, easy read, and it focuses on food as a pleasure and as a fuel.

Life as a Caterpillar said...

This is the best entry i have ever read from you. So positive! So relative! Thank you for sharing, i truly appreciate these words


Julie Lost and Found said...

this is really encouraging. so happy for you that you've reached a new point of security.

The old "panic" that you describe is something that I struggle with. It is encouraging to hear that you do not struggle with that anymore and to know that I can get to that point.

I so appreciate your honesty and your posts.

mensa said...

I think it goes to show the stress of frustration does you no favor when losing weight. While I take losing as a step at a time, one pound at a time, I've got to occasionally look at the total amount I've lost when I'm struggling and say WOW look how far I've REALLY come. I can do this! Loved your post this morning, it really opened my eyes about some things.


Anonymous said...

really like your post this is making me stay focus and wanting to continue this journey...(thank you)also, made the cauliflower pizza last night,, it was very YUMMY! my husband said he likes it better than the other pizza made with flour crust..
you are making this so much easier with your post and your recipes and ideas to stay focus...I do thank you for this all.....
I been following you for about two weeks now,, just happen to find you looking at glad I have...this is the second time i have made a comment..I will return..Linda from Pa.

Tracey said...

Good for you! I always get frustrated with this notion that some people seem to have that we should eat perfectly forevermore. Oh, you had some chocolate? Tsk, tsk! Screw that, everyone needs some chocolate now and then!

Kimberly said...

The long road is what got you to the point of no longer feeling anxious about a regain. I am starting to get there in my own head too.

Lanie Painie said...

That's the best news I've read all week!

Anonymous said...

I'm at a point where I do initially panic, then I start to challenge myself for how I can maneuver the situation w/o ruining my efforts and w/o raining on everyone else's parade. I'm not quite where you are, but I can see me getting there someday.

I also know fo rme each little side step from my plan usually means a stay or a slight gain. This week w/ two OP days(not out of control, just a couple not so stellar choices) I will probably end up lucky to stay the same. At that point it just never seems worth it.

Ann K. said...

I completely agree with your sentiments. Yesterday after taking a cue from you, I did a experiment of sorts as well and took a big long inhale of one of my favorite take out foods (I just started my healthy eating plan fyi) and....nothing. I looked at it and smelled it and I was happy to have it or not. I passed on it but it posed no "danger" so to speak.

S said...

You are really an inspiration! I have been following your blog for quite some time now, and have decided to take the plunge too....i have started my journey at

Thank you! I hope i too can be where you are right now!

Floriana said...

Wow, that's a lot of confidence. Congrats on getting to that point.

Steelers6 said...

I like that you don't fear the food, & that it isn't the boss o' own your own power. But obviously it does consume a lot of my thoughts right now; planning, avoiding, calculating FOOD. I know it is totally part of the process toward a healthier body and mind.

Super that you are getting "a PhD in yourself".

Part of my journey includes reading blog posts by you and some others who share what they have learned along the way. It is very helpful & full of interesting insights.

Food is not the boss of me!

Rettakat said...

I appreciate this post more than I can is so encouraging to me. I've actually been chastised by a reader who thought I was taking too long, that I should lose faster.

I, like you, have tried to do the inner work along the way... I am sooo done with yo-yo wt loss. I want this to be permanent.

Your last few posts, about being at peace with food, not afraid of it, not being pulled by those old urges, no longer getting the same high, etc etc. They have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much!


Lyn said...


I had a lot of the same comments last year. I actually had people say I was no longer inspiring, and they couldn't stand to read my blog anymore because I was not losing weight fast enough for them. Oh well! I have to think those folks are probably at their weight loss goals by now and not worried about my weight loss anymore anyway! Hang in there, do it at your OWN speed :)

Spaghetti Cat said...

I love seeing this and hope one day I can be there too lyn :)