Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Food Impressions

Last week, a day or two before the 'experiment,' I had a dream. I think the dream affected me to the point of pushing me to the off plan eating I chose to do. I thought the dream was stupid so I didn't share it here before, but I have been thinking about it again, and I think it is profound.

It was a simple dream. In it, I was thin... a healthy kind of thin, but thinner than I ever remember being in my adult life. I was naked and alone, but comfortable and had no anxiety or worry. I sat on the floor in a bare room, with my legs drawn up and my head resting on my knees. My arms were wrapped around the front of my legs and my hands were covering the tops of my feet. When I lifted my head, I moved my hands away. There, on the tops of my feet and fronts of my legs, were the deep and distinct impressions of cinnamon rolls. You know, like when you lay your bare skin on top of something for a long time, and then when you pull it away there is an impression of that thing in your skin? It was like that. Cinnamon roll impressions covering my feet and the fronts of my legs. And then I woke up.

Eating the way I have has left its mark on me, physically and mentally. No matter how thin or healthy or fit I get, my body will always bear the scars of my battle with obesity: stretch marks, sagging skin, wrinkly places that weren't there before. But I think even more than that, this dream was about the mental and emotional residual affects of more than a decade of binge eating. I am changed. The cinnamon rolls left their mark. Their impressions are in my mind. In fact, the binge past has become a part of me.

But, as in the dream, those cinnamon roll impressions will fade. Just like when you get up from a lawn chair and have basket weave patterns on the back of your legs, the marks do fade and go away over time. Soon you forget the impressions were ever there. My legs were not disfigured or scarred permanently in the dream. The cinnamon rolls on my legs were not tattoos. And I think *that* may be the most significant message from my subconscious. The damage will fade. The marks are there. But I think they are going away.

12 comments:

Life as a Caterpillar said...

Best thing i've read today!!

x
lesley

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Wow - how symbolic was that dream? Really something!

It's obvious, Lyn, that you're doing the work inside. I remember when you first mentioned doing Medifast - you had some nay-sayers who thought you were just following a fad and taking the easy way out...I hope some of those people are still reading! I wonder what they'd say now?

You are inspiring to many, many people!

Thanks for this thought-provoking post.

Ex Yo-Yo Debbie

Bonnie said...

You are a wonderful writer!

FYT614 said...

I really like this post, the writing of it is great and compelling. I have thought about this very thing a lot. I see everyday how my weight has impacted my psyche. I wonder how much of that will actually fade. Even more I wonder how much it should. If it fades will that make me forget the lessons that I've learned along the way? Will I imagine one day, if the cinnamon rolls have disappeared, that I can eat an actual one again?

I don't know the answers and I'm sure they are different for everybody. I have found comfort lately in the idea that I will have to be vigilant in maintaining when I reach my goal. That on some level the cinnamon rolls will never disappear because I don't know that "healthy" will ever be a natural existence for me.

Hey, maybe it will. Maybe in time that will be first nature for me. Maybe that's when the rolls will disappear. I just hope I don't die right after:-)

Great post!

Hot Momma Wanna Be said...

I am just starting my weight loss journey and find is so inspiring to see someone still blogging after already losing 100 lbs! I'll definitely be following your blog.

Thanks!
Tina

LetMeTellYouATale said...

Wonderful post :)

Anonymous said...

very well put..enjoyed the reading..
Linda from Pa.
also. loved the cabbage soup.. it was very tasty.......

Lily Fluffbottom said...

I'm glad that every day that passes, you find comfort and something new to be thankful for. I'm glad you get to share that with us.

-J.Darling said...

Very nice. I know I have come to realize that same thing about a lot of my life expereinces. A wise woman (my co-author in The Diary of a Mad Fat Woman) once told me that painful/difficult experiences aren't really things you "get over". They are just things you "move/grow through".

Rosie's Weight Loss Blog said...

That seriously is profound. I'm glad you shared it with us.

Kimberly said...

I hope so. Sometimes I think the scars are permanent.

Ariel said...

Yes, the sagging skin and stretch marks will fade over time. So don't let the fear of living in a body built for two deter you from your weight loss. I am losing my post-baby weight right now, and even some of my pre-baby weight. It's exciting but sometimes I don't like the way I look right now. Did I look more "taut" when I had all that weight? Will I look okay when I'm done losing? Do I look okay now? It's a struggle to keep these thoughts out of my head and just go on with my life and my weight loss.