Friday, November 5, 2010

Experiment

Yesterday I was just so sick of the voices in my head begging me to eat this, eat that. I thought, enough is enough, this is ridiculous. I just kept wondering... would it be any good? Would I like the old foods? Would I feel sick or get a high? I guess it is kind of like a smoker who quits for months but still sort of craves it. Best not to give in, I'm sure, but often if they do, that cigarette just tastes vile... or so I'm told.

I had a toasted English muffin for breakfast instead of Medifast. It was okay, whatever.
I had a small steak sandwich for lunch. "Want the combo?" he asked, pointing at fries and a Coke. "Nah," I said, "just the sandwich." I didn't even care about the other stuff. The sandwich tasted fine.
I went to the mall. The See's candy shop was open and the lady came out with a tray of chocolates. "Free sample?" she asked. And I tried one. It was fine. I bought that Cinnabon I've been wishing for, and when I came home I ate 1/4 of it. You know what, it was not that great. It was kind of blah.
Last night I took one of my kids out for dinner at a buffet. The buffet was my *conscious choice* because it has been dancing in my head for a few days. I wanted fried chicken and french fries with cheese sauce. But you know, it just didn't feel like it used to. I drank water. I got a piece of chicken but it was greasy and sort of made me feel sick. I had a couple bites of noodles, a couple bites of cornbread dressing. I ate 2 French fries. They didn't taste that good, so I left them. I ate about 6 baked beans and 3 bites of banana salad. Eh. I got one of those weird fluffy pie dessert square things but it wasn't even good so I left it. And when I got home, I felt so sick I threw up.

Experiment over. I really have changed. The old stuff doesn't taste that great. I can't eat like I used to. It wasn't even worth it to go to a buffet because I couldn't eat that much. My stomach felt uncomfortable all day because of the food choices I made. This morning, I looked at the leftover Cinnabon on the counter. I looked at the Medifast cinnamon pretzels. I chose the pretzels *because* they actually taste BETTER to me, no lie... and they don't sit in my stomach like a lump for hours. And they don't give me a migraine either.

I think maybe this has finally shut that voice up. It's silent today. There is nothing to go back to, nothing to crave or pine for anymore. All there is is the beautiful life i have built for myself. My beautiful reality. And it's not based around FOOD.

35 comments:

-J.Darling said...

Isn't it great when your tastes change? :) Your body wants something nurtious, not empty calories.

Tamzin said...

Great job! You whip those voices into line with who you are now!

:) I love reading about your progress and the courage that you write with on these issues.

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

I was just talking with a friend yesterday about how weird it is when food no longer plays the role it used to. And it IS wonderful when we no longer turn to food for comfort or whatever. But it's also hard, sometimes, because now what? But I'll take the now what? over the old unhealthy ways anyday!

Anonymous said...

Food thoughts...then.

Overeat. Feel sick. Barf.

Rationalization #1: I'll never do THAT again.

Rationalization #2: It was an "experiment."

Where have I heard this before?

Maybe there is absolutely no reason for my concern. Or maybe you have just presented the classic description of BED transformed: EDNOS. I honestly cannot know.

But it seems significant that you are being honest here about the thinking and the behaviors.

For that: APPLAUSE.

(((cyberhugs)))

Ann K. said...

It is inspiring to read that.

It takes a lot of hard work to get to a point where you can permit yourself to eat those trigger/junk foods and be in control and pass on them

LN said...

It is good that you can see that your tolerance and appreciation for those foods is gone. When I became a non smoker I had a couple experiments with smoking in that first year and then they just fell away... no more experiments - because I not only was a non smoker, I knew I was a non smoker and when the longing thoughts come up and they still do - I choose not to smoke at all, ever.

Andra said...

I truly believe that our taste buds (our actual ones and the ones that are "all in your head") can be retrained away from junk and geared toward delicious whole foods. Sometimes we resist but when it becomes a reality, it makes living a healthy lifestyle, making healthy food choice second nature.

Anonymous said...

I've lost 40 pounds recently but I heard the "voices" two days ago so I let myself eat all the forbidden foods. And NOTHING tasted good to me either. I kept going from thing to thing and it WAS all BLAH. The next day I cooked a small filet mignon and put it in a fresh spinach salad and it was TO DIE FOR. Real food finally tastes better to me than the junk too! What a revelation. Thanks for writing about this. Amy

Vickie said...

how often are those voices there? is this a constant thing now (not talking about pms, talking about regular days). And was yesterday leftover from being exposed to the Halloween parties? Because for me, even when I do well (like you did) it sort of reopens the door.

Leslie said...

Interesting post Lyn - glad you had a lackluster experience with the food. I've been writing about this the last few days...whether we can eventually add back in occasional old treats and not get triggered into binge city. As usual, I used AA as my model. Do you think there may be certain foods you really won't be able to toy with? Or maybe you truly no longer desire them? Anyway - I'm so thrilled for you with where you are now, and that you're really aware of it and present for it!

Rachel said...

AhMAZing! You are a true inspiration! Don't ever give up.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Makes sense to me. I think eating disorders are VERY difficult to completely recover from. Takes a lot of time and work, in my experience, and I don't think I am "recovered" all the way yet. But I do think I am well on my way. Only time will tell though.

But let me be clear, the "experiment" was eating off plan... *not* throwing up. I absolutely detest vomiting, and will avoid it as much as possible! Which is why I will probably NEVER eat another piece of fried chicken again. Ugh!

Vickie~

Not too often. Months ago it was every day. In October I'd say 4 days out of the month, and 2 of those were PMS. And yes, I do think the 'voices'/urge was in response to going off plan for the Halloween dinner. I think it did in fact open the door a crack. It is far easier to stay on plan and just STAY on plan!

Lyn said...

Leslie~

I thought French Fries were the thing I had to stay away from or binge. But I didn't even like them this time. Go figure.

This sure is a JOURNEY though. The more steps I take and experiences I have, the more layers I see to this whole thing.

Anonymous said...

I ate a mini kit kat bar today and was thinking the same thing. Not that great. Not quite sure what the attraction was before. Sometimes I get fed up w/ all the work it is to make nutritious foods all day long everyday and I just want the convenience of the easy stuff. Then after I wish I'd just taken a little time to make my own.

But old me would have had the 1 mini kit kat bar and then went back for more and more and more. At least 2 or 3 times b/c they are "just miniatures" ya know? I'm at least questioning my bad choices and taking time to learn from them now.

All that said, it helps that you let us inside your head even when it's not so great. Thanks Lyn!!!

I hope you have a nice OP day today!

Christina said...

I had a similar revelation about pizza the other night. We ordered some, I ate too much and got sick from it. Sometimes these things are a great reminder that making these changes was the best choice we could do for ourselves.

Janis said...

1) Welcome to the world where food is your friend. Now, instead of it symbolizing everything on Earth, it's just nourishment that can be enjoyed on its own merits. Seriously, food will taste BETTER to you now since you aren't hanging your existence off of it the way you used to.

2) Under no circumstances perform this experiment again. The question is answered, it's DONE. There is zero reason to dangle yourself off the cliff again to prove something to anyone, least of all yourself. You know the answer now, so no more need to play chicken in front of the train.

Jenn @ Cooking Aweigh the Pounds said...

I'm discovering this same thing with myself lately. My hubby and I go out every weekend on dates and I've started enjoying it less and less (the food, not his company! LOL) I find that I don't enjoy the foods as much as I use to and most of the time feel that I can do a better job at home for less calories. Oh well, getting out and away from the kids is still nice. :)

Lori said...

I am learning the same thing. Nothing really tastes as good as I think it will. Now, when that little voice starts telling me that I want 'x', I think about it. I really, really think about it, the textures, flavors, etc. Then I'm done because I know that reality is no where nearly as good.
Lori

NewGilmoreGirl said...

That was a risky experiment! I'm an ex-smoker and an ex-binge-eater, and I'm still on the "nothing" side of "all-or-nothing".

I'm glad that it worked out for you, though! :-)

Anonymous said...

Just started following your blog...been on a roller coaster diet all my adult life... now here I am, ..but I am still going to do this.......for health more than looking good... You have really been a inspiration! I will be checking back ......

Anonymous said...

That is great news. YOu truly have changed...and real food really is better.:))
Stacey

mensa said...

You sounded like you were eating like a skinny person. Did you ever notice that they just a bite of this and a bite of that, never the whole thing. Lyn, I think you've arrived. You're taking responsibility with that 100 pounds.

~Sheilah

Anonymous said...

I would be so so careful about even letting those voices have ANY power over you. Your experiment was the first step in a downward spiral unless you truly TRULY stop enabling the binge. In any form.

I read your blogs, and your descriptions of your past binging behavior, and I have to recommend that you get some counseling and not try to do this on your own. It appears that your behavior was that of a BED or Binge Eating Disorder. I used to work at Remuda Ranch and any binge that is in excess of 10,000 calories (even, by some books, 5,000 calories) is considered a binge of a Binge Eating Disorder.

You are not alone, and you CAN get help.

Wishing you the best success in your journey.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and BED or Binge Eating Disorder does NOT include throwing up, unless the body does it on it's own BTW. That would be bulemia.

icannotweight said...

We went and got a mini blizzard today, and the first couple bites were great, but after about 4 bites I felt SICK with all the sugar. It tastes too sweet and I let my boyfriend eat the rest. Augh. My tummy hurt for 2 hours!

Erin said...

You know, the best thing is when your kids make the same choices from taste, not pressure. We've been changing our diet as a family and now my kids don't "like" those foods anymore. It feels so good to see them naturally gravitate towards foods that truly fuel them.

Lyn said...

Janis~

It's part of my journey. Every step is helping me heal. It's not a game of chicken or trying to prove anything; it's all a learning experience.

I am pretty sure there will be other times that I go ahead and taste something that is bothering me or eat something I have been thinking about. And I am okay with that.

Anonymous~

Counseling would be lovely. Over the past 3 and a half years I have done a lot of the mental work on my own, simply because I have been unable to find an eating disorder counselor (or anyone remotely reated) in this area (my search for a counselor is chronicled earlier in this blog). I also don't have the luxury of going off to a ranch or a clinic. But I am here to say that just because having "professional help" is outside my reach, that does not mean I have to stay obese and keep binge eating. I have proven that.

I'd agree on the calories. I think the most calories I have had in one sitting over the last 8 months is about 800. Not a binge. I am pretty sure my body is incapable of a binge now.

And, just to reiterate, I did not *make myself* throw up.

Maude said...

Isn't it amazing how our bodies begin to immediately respond negatively to foods that aren't good for us once we stop eating them regularly? Makes me wonder how we manage to build up the tolerance in the first place.

But I'll admit to some apprehension on your behalf about this experiment. Especially because it sounds like it was all done in one day. Maybe just trying ONE of those food items is an experiment - all of them sounds like pushing a risk you may not need to take?

Lisa said...

Honestly, it sounds free-ing to know that you feel a real change inside yourself. :)

Shane G. said...

I appreciate this post Lyn. I have purposely avoided the buffet experience because I have to wonder if that would be a breaking point. If that would be my unwinding. I am happy to hear a winners story about a buffet. I have toyed with the idea of tempting myself so I could win over the buffet and your post may have been my deciding point. I have so many victories under my belt right now, but that is the one I crave the most. I may just go for it this weekend.

Sasha said...

Let me start by saying. I FREAKING LOVE YOU. You are such an inspiration to me and to so many. How do you do it? I've lost 15 pounds and I'm on the verge of giving up- you loose 100 pounds and you are so relaxed about it. You are an amazing human being. and an amazing mom! Yesterday I tried to explain that I don't even eat when I'm hungry or if somethings yummy, I just eat. You have so much control.

BRAVO!!

Lyn said...

Shane~

Just be careful. Don't let it throw you into a few days of overeating. THAT is key. Not everyone is "ready" to eat at a buffet! Nor should everyone try it. I think it was a wonderful thing for me. I learned a lot from it.

Sasha~

Thank you!! Just hang in there. It's taken me over 3 years of working on it, day in, day out, to get to this point. It can happen, it just takes time :)

Steelers6 said...

It is a long haul to get to the point that you have.

I have been on this WL (fitness, health, nutrition) journey for almost 3 years. I'm moving along slowly, yeah, but I have stayed on my plan the whole time. I loooved me my sugar and refined flour goodies before. Now they give me a headache, and of course cause sluggish feelings most times. I don't eat stuff like that much at all anymore. Wow, my body feels so much better! Amazing.

If I feel like something sweet I do occasionally allow a pc of quality dark chocolate. Being the sweets lover I was/am, this works for me. [weird, bc I always LOVED LOVED LOVED milk chocolate!]

I got 3 Musketeer minis to give out for Halloween, and I decided to allow myself to have one. Uh, I asked my daughter if she had any and if they were ok, or spoiled. haha She said they were fine, but my palate has just changed so much that they tasted sooo gross to me. I will not bother to eat one again! NOT worth it. Not gonna 'retrain' myself to like them. No point. Same with Reese's pb cups..I only eat REAL peanut butter now, and these tasted salty and wayy too sweet. (used to be there was no such thing as "way too sweet" to ME.)So I'm sticking with quality goods. Not gonna waste my time, calories, money, & health on fake stuff. ha
Chrissy

brighide said...

Thank you Lyn, for sharing this. I do admire you. I am a food addict. I am powerless over food right now. I probably sound like a 12 step program, but I know that changing my playgrounds has to be part of my healing. I will not be going back to buffets. To me, it's the same as an alcoholic staying out of a liquor store. My brother is a recovering alcoholic, my sister, shopoholic. We have these addictions and they are very much the same I find.

For me I have to admit that I am powerless over this food. I think I came to that realization for myself the other day. I went through the drive thru at Mc donalds to get a small iced coffee. My friend turns to me and says, "I'm getting cookies, will that bug you?" and I said, "No". But as we waited for the cookies, my heart rate picked up and I started to feel nervous. I HAD to have cookies too. I just HAD to. I couldn't take it. I felt like I was going to cry if I didn't order it. I started this self talk where I told myself "You don't need them" but it all fell apart and I said, "Get me some too". I went home and cried in the bathroom after that.
I hope that someday I may have strength to go to a buffet but I think as of now I won't be. I follow your blog because you write about things I can't put into words, the same things I feel I struggle with. Good luck and you look great Lyn!

brighide said...

Could someone please explain something to me?

Why is it when I go a week without eating anything sugary, then I do have something, I get very sick. After I had the three cookies I mentioned in my post above, I felt so sick all over and tired.

How did I manage to eat this stuff every day in large quantities without being this sick? But I take it away and when I have a small amount I'm sick the rest of the entire day. Does this happen to anyone else?