Saturday, November 20, 2010

Checking Out

Okay, I am really struggling. I know it's emotional, but it is bleeding over into my behaviors and my eating.

Stuff happens, and we have to cope. I have gotten pretty good at coping without food, or so I thought. But I feel like the last 3 days have been just one huge effort to stay "checked in" at all.

I feel disjointed, physically tired, frustrated, and upset. And the response I have had is to keep trying to check out. Repeatedly.

I zone out watching TV. I completely go into my own world by going online for hours. And I also still check out using food. I hate that I do it. I am working very, very hard on changing this behavior. I went for so long without a big issue but apparently old habits do die hard.

I just do not want to deal with the things I need to deal with and am being forced to face. And I find myself using the TV, Internet, and food to escape. I feel like every single moment I am not checked out is an effort to stay present. It does not feel good at all. It's like I don't want to be here, in this situation, in this moment of life. I want to be in the TV, in the computer, in the food. Anyplace but here.

Every morning I get up and stare at my Medifast food. I decide to have it instead of a stack of pancakes and sausage. Later I stare at the raw broccoli and chicken in the fridge I have planned for dinner and I just cannot bring myself to eat it. I order pizza instead.

It sucks. My choices have become difficult because I *allowed* them to be choices. It is so much easier when you just decide ahead of time what you will and will not eat or do, and stick to that without thinking of other options because in your mind there ARE no other options. Now, because I gave myself options, I am screwing up.

I think about how I would have been married for 21 years this month had I not gotten divorced. And although I believe divorce was the right option, it still crops up in my head every year. I think about how my father died right after Christmas so long ago and how much I miss him. I think about my parents' anniversary in a few weeks and how I wish they were around to celebrate with. This is always a hard time of year for me. I am not even sure how many/which of my children will be here with me for Christmas this year... could be 5, could be 1, or any number in between. And it is really dragging me down. Add to that a son with some serious medical and life issues going on right now, and you get this. This, whatever it is...

I am more aware than ever that something is *wrong* right now. I used to slip into this type of state (which my doctor says is not clinical depression) and barely notice it until a blur of 3 months and 40 pounds gained I'd wake up with the spring and say "what the heck just happened?" At least I am noticing. I can fight it.

I know something is wrong because first, I started wanting to stay up very late (1am) and sleep late in the morning (which I cannot do. I have to be up by 7-7:30 because of the kids). Then I stopped taking my supplements (glucosamine, D3, fish oil, etc), started eating *just a little* more food (this bit of extra chicken won't hurt. This extra salad dressing will be fine) and then eating *just a little* off plan food (a bit of cheese, some olives, maybe some bacon or sausage) and then it blew up into full blow off plan "half days." Every day I do Medifast until after lunch and then I feel so overwhelmed by *life* that I need to "check out" and I end up eating so much crap that I cannot sleep comfortably. I knew I was at MY PERSONAL rock bottom (not the lowest I have EVER been, but the lowest I am WILLING to go at this point) when I forgot to drink water, had a Coke and 3 donuts and potato chips yesterday, ate a pint of ice cream last night at 10pm, and found myself in a fast food drive thru today for the first time in over a year, eating a lame Jack in the Box breakfast in the car in the parking lot, thinking, "Oh my god, this is it. This it the point where I either get fat again or don't."

So here I am, probably several pounds heavier but I am going to reverse course now even though I don't *feel* like it. I am very very inclined to check out. It is almost like a gambling addiction (I have not experienced that but I have seen it) where a person is glued to a slot machine for hours, has no idea how much time passed and forgets everything in their life while they are completely sucked into the gambling. I am just not going to allow myself to do this anymore. In fact, I will let myself do a healthy, relaxing kind of checking out, like maybe reading a book or being online for an hour or taking a long hot bath. Those are healthy behaviors. Using TV and computers for 5 hours at a stretch or eating myself into oblivion are NOT.

It is honestly going to take every ounce of focus and effort for me to pull it together, but that is my goal for the week. Prayers and good thoughts are welcome.

53 comments:

Amy said...

Keep at it- I've read all of your back posts- you are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your journey

Judi said...

Hi Lyn,
I have read your blog for years and never commented... I'm not here to give you advice as it's so easy on this side of the computer to say "just drink water, go for a walk, use your light box..." None of which is helpful is the 'space' you are in. I have been in a similar space, obviously different circumstance. It does get better. Know any not so healthy choice you make now, has no more power than you choose to give it. Every minute is new, fresh and a clean slate. The past is done... the past day, or even minute, is done.
Many prayers and hugs for you. I admire you so much. Your strength through this journey of yours is amazing and although I don't know you in person, I value you in my life. You will get through this. That sun will poke out from behind the clouds in your heart and warm you again.
Take care.

Kimberly said...

I hear you. It takes effort sometimes in the face of life's struggles to do what is right for us instead of what is easy and familiar.

If anyone can do this - fight the urge to check out and regain - it is you. You have come so far.

I'm struggling right now too. I haven't gone off track at all but the urge is there and I think it always will be. The important thing is that we recognize when it is happening - you are - and then we can fight it. Forget the emotion. Use your head. Make a decision that you will not return to what you were. Ultimately we have the choice. Decide well.

:hug:

Lisa said...

Just wanted to say, hang in there!!! This is just a part of the process. You will get through it and will reach even better things on the other side of this temporary tough time.

Anonymous said...

You can do it! It is okay to feel sad, it is also ok to get help. I found joining a local running group helped me...a learn to run group for women. My best friend died unexpectedly....I never got to say goodbye. By joining the group I met wonderful women who became great positive friends, I moved my body which made me feel good, and felt positive afterwards. Life is tough sometimes, but know that people care. We are rooting for you! and we love you no matter what...if you gain 10 pounds, that doesn't change anything! we will still be rooting for you and encouraging you to meet your goals.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could give you a "hot bubble bath" feeling to zone out in. Maybe you could take a hot bath and escape a bit tonight? When I was losing it was a great way to spend time that I would have spent with food. I became addicted to relaxing in the hot bubbles.

I may not have had the energy to organize, to clean, to walk, to do anything much while escaping food, but I could shut the door and run the hot soothing water.

:::hugs:::

Emma said...

My good thoughts are with me and I'm sure you can make it. You said the other day (I think it was you) fake it til you make it. I've been dealing with a very similar situation over the past 3 weeks. I haven't been dealing very well at all but when you said that it really changed something for me. I realised that if I wanted to feel better I couldn't just wait to magically snap out of it. I had to fake it until it was real. I'm glad to report I'm doing much better (thanks you you, even though you don't know it) and I'm sure you can do the same. Fake it - for now, I promise your mojo will come back.

And my love to your son, I hope things get better for him soon.

Anonymous said...

I think you need to get out of the house tomorrow and do something completely different. Go somewhere new. I think a change of pace and some fresh air will get you back on track. Maybe a museum, a hike, a trip to a new park you have never been to. You WILL get though this. One bad week is not the end of the world. Just start fresh right now.

Amy

Anonymous said...

You can get through this Lyn. You are such a huge inspiration to me and so many others. I too have struggled with emotional eating and it is so hard to stay on track when I'm feeling down. Stay strong, I will be praying for you.

Princess Dieter said...

Sweetie, nothing wise or profound to say other than you are strong, you've shown it over and over, and you simply need to tell yourself that over and over. Life hits one hard at times. I do that checking out stuff a lot, and it's part of what I have to get over. So, know what, start writing your book. Seriously, just write the book that will help others who go through the obesity and the checking out and the struggle. Start it right now. Page one. Let that be your therapy while you get your bearings.

You already are strong. It's just a bobble. You will be upright and striding bravely real soon.

Hugs...

Baby Stepping said...

You are definitely in my prayers!
I hope life gets back on track for you soon!

Hugs,
mary

Claire said...

Praying here. I completely get you on this. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. It helps me on my own path of change.

Dillypoo said...

You can do it, Lyn! Remember the rocks in the stream of life that you so eloquently blogged about a few months ago? Don't let these rocks or pebbles or boulders change your course. You can get through whatever it is. I believe in you.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered talking to someone about this? It seems that when you're at your worst, you don't update the blog as much. Talking to a therapist on a consistent basis could help relieve the feeling of alone-ness and disassociation.

You don't have to be clinically depressed to reach out. It might be best for your sake and for your kids'.

Anonymous said...

Lyn!! Don't beat yourself up! You should always remember how far you have come and how much you have learned through this process. You will have set backs, everyone always has setbacks because no one is perfect, and you need to accept that as part of the journey. I am so confident that you will not revert to the person you once were (in terms of eating habits), and I'm sure you know that too.

So everytime you have a bad day, or even a bad week, remember how far you have come and how close you are to your goal, and accept that these setbacks are a normal part of life. Everyone needs a little pizza and donuts once in a while, it doesn't mean that you are a failure, it just means it might take an extra week or two to reach your goal, which is FINE!!

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

I have. In fact I did go to counseling years back, but the thought does not appeal to me now. I prefer to write. It does help.

I blogged 6 days a week over the past 2 weeks and I think, for me, having a day off once a week is healthy.

Diana said...

My dear sweet friend, my heart goes out to you. I've walked in your shoes, I can feel what you're feeling. I now the scariness of what you're going through. Maybe not exactly, maybe not for the same reasons, but I've in a similar place. Often.

I have no words of advice. I wish I did, I wish I could just wish away the sadness and hopeless you're feeling, but it's outside of my power.

All I know for sure is that you will get through this, some way, some how. You're very strong, very smart and you have a beautiful soul. You also have the power and the strength to get pass this...as you said, whatever "this" is. As my mom use to always tell me when I was down, it will pass. You'll be okay.

Hugs to you Lyn...and praysers.
Diana
One more thing...get back on plan right this minute. Right. Now. :)

Cynthia said...

First, you are right, the old habits stay with us for a long, long time. I'm not sure they ever leave us entirely. But you don't have to let them take over!

When life is stressful, I think it is actually a natural reaction for the body to want to "check out" in some fashion or another in order to relieve stress.

Think about it, DIETING IS A STRESS ON YOUR BODY! You have learned to handle it, but now, you are seeing additional stressors and I think it is important to realize that there is physical reason as well as old habits for you to want to "check out" with food.

I think you have the right handle on it, give yourself permission to "check out" in healthier ways.

Before I got to the end of your post, I was thinking maybe you should give yourself some quiet, alone time, or time with a book, or a long soak or hot tub (if you have access) or even get yourself a massage. Anything that is a stress reliever or can take your mind away from your troubles for a bit. A good movie, a play, a concert, a museum full of beautiful things are all better options than the TV and computer, 'cuz they at least get one out of the house.

Now, TAKE THOSE SUPPLEMENTS! Not taking what you need is only going to make it worse. I have realized that I *need* a Vitamin D3 supplement during the winter months here. I need my fish oil, my glucosamine. And yes, like you, when I lapse, I'm inclined to forget my supplements as well. But they help my mental state and help my joints and must be taken so that I can function well.

If it's the dark days of winter coming on, get more light. Seriously. I bought another lamp. I may buy another still. Anything to keep my surroundings brighter.

And remember, being tired is one of the symptoms of a calorie deficit. So it might be OK, you'll have to decide for yourself, to just maintain for a bit, give your body a few more calories in healthy whole food choices. Not as a "check out" option, but just as a way to give your body a tiny break physically.

Anyway, hang in there. You've come so far. You can make it the rest of the way. A lapse is just a lapse. It doesn't have to be your next hour or your next day. Minute by minute, make the better choice.

Anonymous said...

Hang n there. I'm an emotional eater and struggling myself a bit. I am new to readn blogs and you have done an amazing job. You will get through this. Prayer works!

Tammy said...

Oh Lyn...I hate it for you, I really do. I don't know why, but for the last month or so I've had you on my mind a LOT...thinking back to last fall/winter. It was really rough...and I was hoping that it'd be better this year. Please...recognize what's going on here, and don't let it all slip away. Don't wake up in the spring 30-40 lbs heavier. Dear God girl you've come soooo far. I think you're realizing it now...but keep it in the forefront of your mind. No more drive-thrus...get the donuts/chips/cokes/ice cream out of the house....I've been worrying about you so much lately with the change of seasons....you are THIS close to goal. Don't let it go girl...find other ways to cope. I know you want to...and I know you can do it. I've already been praying for you....especially yesterday when you didn't post....but I will continue to. Cry if you need to...scream, throw things (away from the kids :))...go out with a friend, do some Christmas shopping...break out the Christmas decorations NOW if it will make you feel better...anything but eat. I'm here for you girl. I've emailed YOU before...you're welcome to email me anytime you need a sounding board. Big Hugs. :)

Debbie said...

Lyn -

This will be a different kind of post than the others.

First, do you have someone who can take the kids off your hands for a few days (or even a week) so you have time to concentrate on just you?

Second, if you can arrange that, I will tell you what works for me:

Sometimes I just have to hit rock bottom before I come back up. Eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Gorge yourself on anything and everything. Sleep odd hours or even all day.

Do you know what will happen soon? You'll get bored and be disgusted with your "new" lifestyle. At that point, you'll be able to muster up all that inner strength that you've developed from your journey so far & you'll be able to get back on track with both your life plan and food plan.

MANY HUGS & I will keep my eye on your blog for your updates.

Winner at a Losing Game said...

About the only thing I can say isn't advice, but it works??? for me. Do I want that food??? more than I want to wear the comfortable clothes, the cute clothes, the easily fitting clothes, the clothes that are size L, the clothes I can buy off the rack at any store cloths? NO, I don't want what is not good for me more than I want to wear and feel comfortable. I ask myself that question and it seems?? to keep me on track most of the time.

I am sorry you are struggling. But, it is a choice. We can choose right or wrong for ourselves despite where we came from and no matter how abused we were, we don't need to do that to ourselves.

Lisa said...

Hang in there dear lady...

Anonymous said...

No advice.

This helps me, though, and I don't know if it will help you: give up. Feel all the feelings.

Overeating, like anorexia, is about trying to control. The more I try to control my feelings, the greater my urge to overeat. When I give up, and let the feelings come, I have a rough day. Ugh. That means a day with feelings that I would prefer not to have. Yet it is a good day. And it does not include overeating.

Amazingly, the feelings then pass, and the urges to overeat pass away too. Sometimes in less than a day.

There are so many things about life that are painful and hard. I spent decades running away from those things. Weird sh*t. Profound, deep sadness about the world. Sorrow that I cannot really keep my loved ones safe. Rage because I can't stop my loved ones from getting sick and dying. Loneliness because, no matter how much I know I am loved today, I know I will experience unbearable grief again someday...

So I feel my feelings, sometimes not naming them, not even knowing what they are really about, not trying to *figure* them out (that's about needing to control, too.)

And after they pass, I live in this moment. Now. As best I can, I recognize that my thoughts have little to do with me. I know that seems weird. But my brain fires all kinds of random and repeated thoughts, without *my* permission. Some are ghastly projections of the future. Some painful from the past. If I react as if they are all truly about *me*, then my body will feel as if those things are happening now. It will react with all kinds of feelings. When I let the thoughts pass through, like passing trains I do not board, I can face each moment before me with greater peace and gratitude.

This is the human condition.

Like I said, I don't know if any of this will be of help. It isn't advice. Please know you are not alone.

hugs,
Robin

amy_joy81 said...

Every thing you just said is every thing I struggle with on a daily - sometimes hourly basis.

Like you I try to be 'good'... I work out twice a day and eat under my calorie goal, and then something happens or nothing happens and I want food to make it better.

But the difference between you and me: YOU know you can do it! You've done it! Sure you might not quite be at your goal, but you are a hell of a lot closer than I am.

Remember THAT whenever you find yourself struggling. There are people out there dealing with the same issues as you but they still have all their extra weight on top of it.

Trixie said...

I'm sorry you are struggling like this. I'm praying for you. Praying for peace during this tough season for you.

Lynna said...

It seems you are at a very important crossroads on your journey and this time is going to be incredibly important towards your phD of "knowing Lyn". Lots of people out here who care about you and are cheering you on as you become stronger and healthier.

A suggestion: Tell us who you are... write a post telling how strong, triumphant, courageous, compassionate and lovely you are. Own your beauty and your power.

Sarabei said...

You'll get through it, Lyn. You always seem to. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I know you're not necessarily asking for advice, Lyn, but that's what you get for being a blogger!^)

First, I feel your pain -- ALL of it.

Second, START WORKING OUT. I mean it. Your focus has been on cutting back severely on calories for a year or more, and your whole focus is food -- what you're eating and what you're not eating. And when I say "work out," I'm not talking about a mile-long walk to your kids' school and back. I'm talking about 45 to 60 minutes (or more) of sweat-inducing, muscle-taxing exercise on a regular basis -- preferably, both cardio and weight training at least five days a week.

Not only will you lose yourself in time during intense workouts (that's my experience, anyway), but you will develop a new appreciation for your physical and mental strength, the benefits of which outlast the workouts. Also, you will be amping up your metabolism, the result of which is that you will also find a more intuitive way to eat as you transition off Medifast, which your body seems anxious to do. It will also exhaust you physically temporarily (which is a good thing), as well as get all those good hormones flowing, something else which lasts well beyond the actual workout.

I think you're ready for this next challenge, and you certainly could use it mentally, from what I gather. It's time, Lyn!

Peace and blessings -- and don't let the holidays get you down!

LN said...

You describe it so clearly and I can so totally relate - that need to not be here!
I suggest that you write more. Lots more. Write about what your son is going through, how you feel, all that you feel you are not doing that you should, all your concerns and worries and cares.. all the things that are overwhelming you to the point of reaching for your friend food for help. I am suggesting this to me, too, actually.
You are good at expressing yourself - and I find that when I want to be heard by others it is a cry for myself to hear me.
To hear how hard it feels to be alive right now. How much you want to not be here. How much you want to eat.
The control may slip and slide, but your awareness is always there and it sounds like the key to not going to food - and it sounds like your awareness is growing really fast.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the previous Anonymous - you need to start really exercising. The "exercise" you currently do is basically just every day moving around which you should be doing anyway, but with a real workout on top of it. Exercise releases endorphins that make you feel good! Give it a try.

Cynthia said...

If you can tonight, fix yourself a nice hot cup of herbal tea, relax a bit and think about how far you've come. Think about everything you are grateful for. I find that when I start thinking about how good life is, how fortunate I am, that I just feel better and I feel strangely soothed.

Just wanted to pop back by and say hang in there! You are STRONG!

Anna Down Under said...

Maybe instead of checking out, check IN -- into yourself, that is. Yes reading a book, soaking in the tub, etc are wonderful ways to relax and de-stress, but I'm suggesting perhaps you try meditation. If you can find some alone time to yourself, put on some ambiance music or whatever makes YOU feel good when you listen, sit comfortably, close your eyes and go within for a while. Maybe it will just be an awesome relaxing experience for a wile, or maybe you'll find some insight and answers inside yourself. Just a thought, I find it helpful.

Jane Cartelli said...

Sometimes we have to hit a real lower than low bottom to finally get up. It took me getting to 385 pounds and no longer being able to walk two blocks a day to move me into a program of recovery from compulsive eating. Now, 220 pounds are gone I am finding a whole new life worth living - one day at a time. You can do it. Reach out for help from others with the same experience - do not try and do it yourself. Eating addiction is a progressive disease. What worked in the past may not be enough today. Give yourself the chance to find better way. A 12 step program such as OA.org may be the answer.

peggy nickelson said...

I have been reading your blog for at least six months now. I have not commented, but I felt compelled to comment on today's post. I encourage you to be strong. You have achieved so much and are an inspiration to so many people.
I know you are doing it for yourself, so you don't have to prove anything to us blog readers. Do it for yourself, because you love yourself. I wish you all the best. You are wonderful, remember that every day.

All the best,

Peggy Nickelson

Anonymous said...

It is easy to sit back and give advice but only you know your own mind . You do know the steps to take to get back into the ' space' where you start making right choices for your weight loss but somehow it is taking a small ' journey ' while your life takes over your choices . Know that you have so many people behind you giving you support but only you can get yourself back on the right ' journey " I too know where you are coming from about the ' unknown " ... I too had a son go through major health problems and personal problems and then my husband became sick and had to have surgery ........... my kids have all gone different directions now and we too don't know how many will be sitting dowwn to Christmas dinner with us . It is an empty feeling that I try to fill with food !!! somehow on our ' journey ' I became the caretaker and forgot about me . I woke up 60 pounds heavier .I'd like to get out of my ' fog '

Positive thoughts that you get back into the right ' space ' ... you are an inspiration and you are honest about where you are right now !

Anonymous said...

Yesterday my therapist recommended a book called Feeling Good by David Burns. I put it in my shopping cart at Amazon but haven't bought it yet. But it looks like it might help.

Gelene said...

Lyn,
My prayers are with you. I know you have already heard it, but hey one more prayer never hurt anyone. Please keep writing. YOU are such an inspiration and example of what anyone can become, if they put their heart, mind, and body into doing it. You are an AMAZING and STRONG woman, keep believing it! Your followers and readers do ;)

Verity Vaudeville said...

Awww bless you for feeling like this, again. All you need to do is check back in and everything will become what it was before. Take strength from how much you have already achieved, take strength from all those that love you and want you to succeed in your goals. Take some peace from knowing that you can do it, this is just a diversion from the painful. You can get so much support from places you might not have otherwise had.

All the love and support in the universe :)

LHA said...

Lyn, my heart goes out to you. What you have described is familiar territory to far too many of us. I have no advice, but I wish I did. Please be good and kind to yourself, because you deserve it and you are so worth it!
I'll be wishing hard for things to improve for you...

Lanie Painie said...

I agree that it might be a time to just give yourself permission for a day or two of gluttony. I think you'll find (1) that you don't want it as much as you think you do and (2) it isn't nearly as satisfying as it used to be (or as you used to think it was). All your hardwork won't be undone in a day or even a week, but if you continue to fight with yourself about slipping, it's going to be a lot harder.

Have you tried meditation? If you go on dharmaseed.org and search for "guided meditation" you can find something that will help center you. It doesn't even have to be about food . . . Just find a place to sit comfortably, close your eyes and listen. The website isn't about religion as much as self-centering and comfort.

Cindy said...

I read your blog each day and am inspired by you! Praying for you and I truly believe you can do it! Keep fighting... it is worth it.

Lynda said...

sometimes we think too much. stop... breathe... breathe again... and make the choice... then.. move on...

i know you can do this... YOU need to reaffirm that for yourself

<3

Steph said...

I hate this for you! I know PRECISELY how you're feeling. And I HATE that two days ago, you were feeling great, with a wonderful, positive post. I hate it because I know it so well! I suppose the good news is that two days ago, on plan eating was comfortable, and two days from now, it can be again. Fight on! Prayers lifted.

Beth at Obesity Strike said...

Oh, that darkness or shadow or whatever it is, is tough. I've had it cast over my mind too. Hang in there, do what you need to do, you'll find it in you to see your way through. All the best.

Jaime said...

I think this is such an important post Lyn. For so many of us it is really hard to keep going when life is rough around us. In those moments I find myself wanting food to be a comfort to me . Even though I know the food I want is not healthy for my body it is just so comforting to my emotions. You have done so great and you will continue to do so.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lyn, baby steps. Baby steps. When you're strong, make a plan of eating. Pick your favorite Medifast foods or high-protein dishes. Eat some off-plan but healthy foods (fruit, sweet potato, baked . COOK something fabulous. Spend a little extra (money or calories) on a favorite cut of salmon or that serving of cranberry sauce with the turkey. And then what I do - I put it all on the counter, the healthy plan for the day cooked and chopped and ready to eat. The fruit, the salad, the roast chicken. I can have the pizza after... I eat the protein, one fruit, one bite of salad. and you know - I like salad, I'll eat that bite and eat the rest and then be too full to eat the bleeping pizza. Or maybe I'll have one slice, made on french bread with low-fat cheese. You know how you have to coax kids to eat the right stuff. In fact, can you convince one of your kids to coax YOU? Hugs.

Lisa said...

Good for you for being aware of what is going on with you and fighting as best you can. Your honesty is inspiring. I know that you will get through this difficult patch!

Spaghetti Cat said...

Just sending you big big hugs. I am at a crazy mental place too, and it sucks. it seems I am changing diets more often then my underwear.. Though I am pretty good at changing them every day.

Thinking about you, and hang in there. No matter what it has been worth it. You are no longer 278 pounds. Right now sticking with things is hard, and hey if you stumble you can get back up. I know your reasons for issues with the holidays are very different than mine, but just hold on.. (((((hugs))))

Gaelowyn said...

I'm late in the game in posting.. I have no advice.. no comment other then your doctor sounds like a real hardarze about the whole depression thing!!
I went to my doctor with almost exact same symptoms/feelings/etc and man.. it was a RELIEF actually to hear her say it was depression, probably Post-Partum depression, even though my baby was 10 months old. I had been dealing w/those feelings for at least 9 of those 10 months!
Anyways.. it was a blessing for me, as the medication and counseling I recieved probably saved my life. I wasn't suicidal in thoughts at all, but I was trying to cover my feelings with food and fights with my husband. It was not pretty.
anyways.. all I can say is God Bless and I pray that you come out the other end of this 'tunnel' soon..

Sheryl said...

Lyn,

I've been reading your blog off and on for years, and stumbled upon it again earlier this year. I've never commented before, but I just want to say that I relate to your mood and eating habits so much that our patterns are almost identical. But what really prompted me to comment is that your low mood now does sound like clinical depression. I'm not a doctor, but I've suffered off and on with bouts of clinical depression since I was a teenager, and what you describe--your thought process and actions--sound like it could have been taken out of a page of my journal (with different situations, of course). It might be helpful to get a second opinion (preferably from a Psych doctor or therapist). Of course it's not entirely comforting to be told that you are clinically depressed, but it does release some of the feelings of powerless, like it's something that we have done. And even though I'm stubbornly not a fan of antidepressants, in some cases they really help when our brain chemistry has gone wonky and depressed.

Oh, and I concur about the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns, MD. It's a book on cognitive therapy and has good insight on talking ourselves out of depression and low moods. At its core, we certainly talk ourselves into depression.

Wishing you the best!

Sheryl

-J.Darling said...

Hi Lynn -
I wonder how much of this really is seasonal? You stopped taking your D vitamin that you raved so much about? Swallow those pills girl! You can get through this.
Change what you can and try not to allow the anxiety to get to you of things you can't change. How can you be "okay" this holiday season no matter who shows up or what happens? Is there something you can do for YOU to remind you how valuable YOU are and how YOU ARE WORTH taking care of? Sabbotaging yourself will only make it harder to get back on your feet.

Anonymous said...

I so relate to what you are talking about, but in a different area of my life. I'm unemployed and looking for work and it has started to feel really hopeless as of late...I find myself zoning out, like you talk about, as a way to cope with facing the fact that I feel inadequate and guilty that I haven't found work yet. Thanks for sharing your raw feelings--it has helped me to think about what I'm doing and to realize I need to improve. I know you can turn yourself around--you always do!!

Jane