Monday, November 15, 2010

Bad Night

It's late. I had a rough day. My sheets are washed but not on my bed yet. I do feel like I hit some kind of emotional wall today. The weather/cycle hormones/kid stress got to me and I baked cookies and ate myself sick. I am just absolutely ill. Thankfully (I guess), it only took 4 cookies to "eat myself sick." It's a far cry better than the two dozen or more I used to eat. But still. A symptom of the eating issues that still lurk, half dead but not quite.

I have zero desire for any more food, period. I actually had heart palpitations after I ate them. I used to have them ALL the time. I think it is a function of a) an overfull stomach and b) sugar. I stopped having palpitations when I started Medifast; I have no desire to "go there" again. I have had enough of the cardiologist and the ER.

I am going to make my bed, write a list of goals for tomorrow, and go to sleep. In fact, my big goal for tomorrow is to truly and actually clean up my exercise room for use, and get on the bike tomorrow, even if it is just for 15 minutes. I need to build back up to 30 or 40 minutes a day or I am going to drown in a pit of inactivity this winter. It's all set up but I have been piling boxes in there in front of the bike (and on its seat!) so that has to be taken care of. So come back and ask me tomorrow how that's going. I really feel like I am slipping into a bad place emotionally and need to DO something to put the brakes on.

Thank you so very much for all the kind words, comments, emails and support. It means a lot to me.


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

We're here for you, Lyn!

Sometimes a little binge (or a big one) is useful as a reminder of what you don't want. The idea of it is often more appealing than the reality...Tomorrow you'll just pick up and carry on with your journey because you know the answers aren't in escaping with food.

Sort of scary, because you (and I) still want to escape, but don't know exactly where else to turn.

You are going to be okay -you are a strong woman, and you have survived the worst of it all.

Put those bed sheets on and get in bed. Do a couple of things for yourself first, if you getting on your exercise bike (if that's what you want to do).

Like in the airplane...oxygen mask on the mom first, so then you can help your kids with theirs...

Hope tomorrow brings a better day


Anonymous said...

I started Medifast 2 weeks ago and found your blog after looking for information about the program. I love your writing and your honesty. I'm sorry you're having a hard time emotionally and hope your day is better tomorrow. Your plan to do just 15 minutes is great - it's always getting ON the bike or lacing up those shoes that's the hardest part for me. You can do it!

MargieAnne said...

Wishing you a good restful night ...Your days are full and you do have some serious family health matters that would tax most of us to the limit.

Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

Lynn said...


just saying hello & hoping for a restful night & a good day for you - mentally & physically.
You are getting to really know yourself & - as you say 4 is a lot better than 24!
You are such an encouragement to so many - thank you for your honesty. It is very refreshing.

Verity Vaudeville said...

If anyone can do this, it's you.

Shane G. said...

I am torn. I understand this post completely. Because in reality, your binge is relative only to your old lifestyle. I understand the fuel for the binge is the real problem here, and the fact that you went there leaves the door cracked for a full blown return. But I ask you to do this. Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up. In reality, you did very little damage with four cookies. I say all that, even though I get so mad at myself if I step even one toe off the path. But seriously, you could probably almost look at it as a victory. YOu stemmed the tide on a huge wave that could have taken you under, but didn't and it is all because you made life saving changes that have stuck with you!

Anonymous said...

I hope you have a good night sleep and tomorrow is a better day for you. I have to say four cookies doesn´t sound bad. But you know the best. Wish you all the best.

Kelly said...

I understand. It's not that 4 cookies are so bad (unless they are the size of plates). It's the fact that you went back to old binging habits.

You've come so far. This is just one small thing to work on. And each day you get a new start.

The exercise should help your mood as it releases feel good hormones.


Floriana said...

It's incredible how sometimes we know exactly what's going on and what we need to do and still go on and do the wrong thing. This is so nicely demonstrated with this and the previous post. I think most of us do it from time to time. I know I do.

I have been following you long enough to know that this is just a minor bump on the road for you. I am sure you'll be back to your regular self in no time. You are certainly not a quitter, so I don't worry about you.

Hope you had a good night and I wish you a great day.

LN said...

I hear you and will come back tomorrow to help keep you accountable.

Tammy said...

I know you're in a bad place Lyn, I could tell from the previous post...but step back and put it into perspective. Your supposed "binge" now is 4 cookies??? Did you even read what you wrote?? lol I'm sitting here astonished that you could feel physically ill after 4 cookies!!! You slipped a little...but you are NOWHERE near where you came from girl. Be proud of that...wake up today and simply move forward. Make getting the exercise room finished your #1 goal...winter's coming...light box and all that...make sure you can get to your bike. It will help. I went through last winter with you and I remember...I've been dreading it a bit myself...might have to buy my own dang light box! lol Just move forward and get the bike ready. It's a new day. :)

Leslie said...

It is my firm belief that these very occasional blips will always happen - and with you, they are so decreased in intensity from before that you can actually take great comfort in your body's newly acquired intolerance to such blips. This too shall pass, Lyn. You're doing fantastic. Hope today is better.

Anonymous said...

Lapses happen to the best of us, so please don't feel down about it. Just make sure that your lapse doesn't lead to a relapse.

Best wishes Lyn!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for verbalizing what I went through yesterday. Overindulging in sugar for what I have become accustomed to at this point. I awoke during the night with palpitations and it was scary. When I think about it after reading your description, I realize it was exactly what you went through. Thank you for your blogging!

Theresa said...

I hope things settle down soon in your life Lyn. Stress is so hard to deal with, and when it's our kid it is 10 times worse. Hugs. Hang in there. Today is a new day.

Lori said...

I'm watching for the post that says you cleaned up the exercise room and actually used the bike for 15 minutes. You can do it. I know you can.

Weight loss is NO FAIRY TALE said...

Awww, you've got this!! Wishing you a better day today =)

Anonymous said...


Vee and the Kid said...

I"m having major problems too so I can completely sympathize. I wish I had words of advice but I'm struggling to just breathe and exist, and not cry every moment of every day. Do I leave my husband of 3 years, or not? Do I give me one more chance? Do I eat that chocolate in the cupboard, maybe mix it with berries to get some benefit? Do I go to the doc today or tomorrow for my flu and sinus infection?

Keep writing. We need answers too, and want to hear that you cleaned up the exercise area and got on.

Vee at

Anonymous said...

Every time you slip, you learn. This builds knowedge about what you don't want to do in the future and will give you the resolve not to eat that way again. You are demystifying the food you once worshiped and now you will realize that food is just not that good and just not worth the way it makes you feel (physically and mentally). I'm going through the same thing right now. It's all part of the journey.


Diana said...

You know it's the hormones...just repeat to yourself, it's just the hormones it's just the hormones.

I've seen you slip or thinking about slippping this time of month over and over again.

I know it's hard, but you're superwoman, and don't you forget it! :)

Hang in there Lyn. I know today is going to be a much better day for you.

And 4 cookies, seriously...I'd say you're pretty closed to being cured. :)

Diandra said...

Sometimes things go down the drain, and there is nothing to be done about it. So - forgive yourself for not being perfect. And think, "Tomorrow will be better. And the day after that. And..."

Good luck!

spunkysuzi said...

I was a slip but nothing major. I was just thinking that i've followed your journey and every slip has become smaller and smaller! That is a major NSV!!

-J.Darling said...

I feel your pain on the sleeplessness. I've been struggling w/ that for the past week and it turns out it's a precursor to me getting sick. So now I have a nasty cold and ZERO motivation to do anything - but here I am, sitting at work, waiting for the next stack of "to-do" to hit my desk.

The list sounds like a great way to organize what you need to do and move forward! Keep moving forward! Some days, it'll be by leaps and bounds. Other days, by inches, but keep moving forward and you'll get to where you want to be! :)

Cynthia said...

As others said, it's a good reminder of what you don't want. And you'll get things back to normal. We don't put the habits of a lifetime out to pasture in just a year or two. It's scary, but you stopped. YOU stopped. That's power.

I hear you about winter, it worries me. It is usually at least 2 months of NO SUN,just overcast and fog in our valley and very cold through December/January. And it gets icy on my hill, so I can't always get out to the gym or pool.

I need to clean up my exercise room as well.

Today we did have sun, so I went for a 40 minute hill walk. So do what you can on the bike... starting is the hardest part.