Monday, October 11, 2010

Cake

Did I really let the whole day go by and not post? Guess I *almost* did! I have some thoughts rattling around in my head, but have not had time to write today. Just five minutes here while a New York cheesecake is baking in the oven for my son (birthday boy, and yes, it is a real one I made from scratch with all the goodies like Philadelphia cream cheese, eggs, and sugar!)

I was on my feet all day long, running errands, taking my daughter to school (got my 1 mile walk in), and shopping for birthday stuff. I had a funny experience while I was in the next town over, going through some parking lots between stores. I had one of those weird almost-flashbacks, where suddenly I was 278 pounds, tired from my one shopping stop, needing to go to one more store, and hungry. I used to be so cavalier about just heading for the nearest drive thru for a meal... hmmm, Arby's roast beef, curly fries with cheese, and a Pepsi? Or maybe a Sonic burger and onion rings. I wasted SO much money and time on that stuff. At least twice a week I'd end up in a parking lot with cheese sauce and mayonnaise dripping onto my size 3X shirt while I listened to the radio and nommed down as much food as possible in the solitude of my car in the parking lot.

And so it was that today as I drove through that parking lot near the Arby's and the Carl's Jr, I was transported for a moment and I swear for a split second I was deciding I wanted curly fries. But just like that it was over, and I was driving on by to the next store in my size 14 jeans with a Medifast shake in my cupholder. And for half a minute I sort of pined for those days and missed being "able" to eat whatever I wanted and chill out with extremely pleasurable foods in the parking lot all alone. I say "able," because while I WAS able to do it, the price I paid was horrendous.

It seems almost sick, or twisted in some way that part of me still wants that. Not the body, not the health issues or the heartburn or the stained shirts or the shame... but the junky, nasty, greasy food. If I could get away with it, I think part of me would still do it.

Anyway, I am home now, no junk in my stomach and a lovely fresh cheesecake baking in the oven for my boy. I always, for 20+ years, have made the Birthday Person's choice of cake. I always will. I love doing it. But this time, I won't be having a slice. I think I will whip up a sugar free faux cheesecake muffin thing so I have something nice to enjoy when he blows out his candles, and that will be good enough for now. Next year, I will have a bite or two. But now is the time for losing weight.

12 comments:

Mind Over Fatter said...

Way to go Lyn. Isn't it so satisfying to be able to bake something so delectable and no even have a taste? When I baked my son's request this year (he wanted to make giant customized chocolate chip cookies with his friends) I had to shake my head when I was going to put my finger in my mouth cause it had batter on it - impulse!

spunkysuzi said...

You know how far you've come to be able to turn down cheesecake that you make yourself!
I am so proud of you :)

Anonymous said...

Way to go! Great decisions :) I like how you are maybe going to have a couple of bites next year when your at your goal weight (you will definitely be there by then :) )

Vee said...

Great strides. I absolutely love cheesecake, and the fact that you're planning ahead, to make a faux cheesecake muffin thing is wonderful and shows what progress you've made in your thinking. Good going.

I have to do that next month. Find an alternative to my Kid's b-day cake and meal of choice, pepperoni pizza. Guess I should start planning now!

Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

Karla said...

food flashbacks, LOL

been there

Rosie said...

Fast food is so much easier! Ha ha! One thing I love about dieting is that it's a diet on your wallet too!

Kimberly said...

Good for you! Congratulations on your resolve.

Fit B said...

Way to go!!!! It is so hard to turn down those temptations but you are doing it so well everyday! Keep up the good work!!!!

Twix said...

You're making great progress! Good for you on driving on by. High five!

Happy birthday, birthday boy!!! That cheesecake sounds yumm, yummy! Enjoy! :D

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Great job! I had a very similar experience the other day watching my kids down a couple pizza's... I just really wanted to join and binge on them myself. But I didn't, and made my own lean and green. But for a few minutes - I felt sorry for myself - then it was over and I enjoyed my healthy meal! :)

Here's to letting those old past habits go!!!

~Margene

screwdestiny said...

You still want those nasty, bad junk foods because they're crazy addicting. So don't feel bad about it or anything. It's like smokers who have quit for years but say that cigarettes are still appealing to them. What matters is that you were strong enough to kick the habit. That is a wonderful thing.

Shane G. said...

Hey Lyn. So much in this post speaks to me. First, I too still sometimes think that a Burger King number 1 sounds yummy, and the whole food on your shirt thing, that is one of my NSV's I have never mentioned, but Kathy is thankful for it. She had become an expert at stain removal! So thanks for a great post and a pick me up I really needed. Keep it up chick!!