Monday, September 13, 2010

Where I Was

Lately, I feel more and more detached from the person in those pictures. You know the person I mean... the one who was morbidly obese, who weighed 278 pounds, who was almost immobile from the pain. It's not just the body I have dissociated from... it's the mental state I was in back then, too: the hopeless, sad, miserable state of "I can't do it." I have changed so much more than just my body. And it shows.

I am more confident, more settled. I like myself more because of who I am, not because of how I look. The insides have evolved along with the outside of me, and I have more peace with myself than I ever had before.

I was looking through pictures today and came across one I had forgotten. It just happened to be taken last September, almost a year ago. If you've been around here long, you may remember that I had gone from 278 down to 214 in about a year, and then I regained a bunch of weight and was struggling a LOT for about a year (225 to 245). I never gave up but there were times I was SO depressed about not losing the weight. I didn't know what to do to fix it. I kept bingeing and couldn't seem to get a grip. Anyway, one day last September I decided to go to the park with my kids. My decent clothes were in the laundry so I wore black, tight, cotton stretch capris and a tee shirt. I thought I looked fine. But then I saw a picture my son had taken:

I was shocked when I saw this. I weighed about 245 pounds in this picture, and I looked a LOT better in jeans and a decent fitting shirt, but this "outfit" showed what I was really toting around. It made me cry.

It was right about that time, one year ago, that I wrote this post about the power to change our habits and our lives. I'd seen a lady on a message board who'd lost 100 pounds in a year. I thought, "Wow, I could do that, maybe." I wasn't sure, and I didn't know how I would make it *click* in my brain again to lose the weight, but I decided to try. Every night for several months, I'd lie in bed before going to sleep and I'd think, "It's October 1, 2010. I weigh 145 pounds." I'd think that phrase over and over and imagine myself at that weight. I wanted to MAKE it happen. I wanted to manifest my own life.

It worked for awhile. On October 1, I was 245 pounds. By November 1 I had dropped eleven pounds, and I lost several more through the holidays and into January when I weighed 228. But then I sort of lost it again, and started gaining. I weighed 234 in February and March and I was fighting really hard not to regain any more weight. It was then I started Medifast, and I have lost weight every month since.

Now, I don't think there was any magic in the plan I chose. Counting calories worked, low carb worked, and Medifast worked. But what *really* needed to happen was internal and I truly feel I had to get off sugar to have a clear enough mind to have that change occur. And now, I look at the calendar and while I did NOT lose 100 pounds in a year, I did lose 60. And that's pretty darn good! (If you haven't seen my current pictures, they are here.)

Today in the store Imet an acquaintance I haven't seen in awhile. She was shocked at how different I look. She was amazed that I lost so much weight. My old self is amazed, too. But the new me is not surprised at all. I believe I will reach my goal now and stay there. I do not feel the same as I did a year ago. It is not a wish or a hope. It is my life.


Blubeari said...

Overcoming that "I can't do it" mindset is a miracle in itself. And its why you're an inspiration to so many people.

Karyn said...

Very inspiring! I'm glad I stopped in tonight. You help me believe that I can do this, too. ;-)

Reitmans Fat Girl said...

I'm so glad you have finally found your way and feel at peace with where you are so far. I bet there is great comfort in knowing that you aren't going back.

Vee said...

I went back and read that posting and some of the comments. 100 pounds in 1 year. Or 6 months, as one person wrote. My goal is 100 pounds by dec 31 2010 and i'm well on my way to achieving it. You can too. thanks for your support ... i appreciate it. Vee at

supernova said...

Amazing and Inspiring! :)

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Congrats... it really does take hard work to change ourselves... you are an inspiration!! :)


Deniz said...

Lyn, it sounds like you've learned to love the wonderful 'you' that we've all seen and been inspired by.

A little quote from an Aaron Neville song says it all for me:

"Once my life was wretched,
But why should I regret it,
Coz, it took me who I was,
and where I've been,
To make me who I am"

I'm so, so happy for you :-)

Chiku said...

This post was so inspiring to me, and looking at your pictures of how you look today made my jaw drop! You look FANTASTIC and I can't even imagine how proud you must be of yourself! I'm only 19 years old but I think that anyone struggling with weight loss (as I have since I was 8 years old) will be able to tell you that they can relate to that feeling of "I can't do it", especially when yo-yo dieting gets the best of you! I recently had the eureka moment that you talk about in this post, and will be starting my diet next Wednesday when I'm back in the UK, it's called the Cambridge Weight Plan. Please do stop by my blog and maybe even leave some comments, I can use all the encouragement I can get!

moonduster said...

Isn't it great how losing the weight and the process of doing it can change us inside as well as out?

I remember finally getting to a weight where I felt like a normal person. Even just feeling that way on that day brought about another small change in me internally.

And since losing nearly 140 lbs, I went from someone who couldn't to someone who believed enough in herself to achieve anything!

I'm so glad you are going through these cahnges too!

MizFit said...

I love that you say your old self is amazing.

IMO thats a crucial piece never to lose.

Shane G. said...

Lyn, you are doing so great! I am so proud of you. I get the whole getting revved up thing. I had the worst time starting, and may not have if not for Sean Anderson and his blog and then the great deal of support and encouragement I have gotten since joining this community! We all rock dang it!

BJ said...

I am new to your blog, and am so inspired. I hit that "I can't do it" several months ago and started gaining again. I just decided to get back at it. I have been very stressed lately, so I really haven't tried and it was very easy to slip back into my old eating habits, and think I just can't do it anymore.

Now that I have gotten back to reading blogs and blogging myself, I am getting very inspired by everyone's stories, and I am going to get back to it. I CAN DO IT.

Thanks for being an inspiration. BTW, your pics look great.

Trisha said...

As many have said before are INSPIRING. I read your words and they often help me to put my life and my decision to to have a healthy life back in order. It ios because of this that you have an award waiting on my blog.

The Captain's Daughter said...

The only thing I know for sure about this weight loss journey I'm on is that what I weigh has absolutely NOTHING to do with food. It's all about what's going on in my mind and my own perceptions of myself and the people around me.

Thanks for all you do to inspire me!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I really love this, Lyn. You ARE a different person than the one you were. Doesn't that make you feel wonderful?

Lynne said...

Our journeys are similar but different; however, you provide so much inspiration. Thank you and congrats on all your accomplishments.

Leslie said...

So excellent! I believe in the power of change, and that each of us has it in us to change. You are living proof.

I gave you an award on my blog today. You're awesome, Lyn.

Anonymous said...

You are very inspiring. Although I have lost weight in the past, regained and relost a lot of it up until now, I still have not had the epiphany you have made. You are not stuck in your "obese" mindset like I am. I hope as I continue this journey and get closer and closer to goal, that I'll start to really make that change inside too.

Desperate Diva said...

Dear LORD. I know this is a tad off topic but I hadn't seen your current pictures and the difference between you before and you now is outstanding, congratulations! You're absolutely right about fixing ourselves inside in order to maintain the changes on the outside, I personally struggle with working out what's actually broken on the inside as I always blame absolutely everything on my weight, so it's hard to remember what the issue was before my weight! I'm sure it will come to me eventually (probably through some dodgy therapy session but beggars can't be choosers!) - Anywho congrats on your massive accomplishment to date, keep up the good work and positive thinking!

Shannon said...

Like everyone else has said - this post is so inspirational :) Congrats on the amazing progress so far, and looking forward to seeing you hit that -100 mark!