Tuesday, September 14, 2010

This is My Life

My life is settling into a nice, smooth, predictable pattern. Even with the bumps and unexpected jolts, hard times and exciting times, I am starting to really settle. Maybe it has to do with my age, but somehow I feel much more grounded than I ever have in the past. I have accepted what I have, and made plans to change (or continue changing) the parts I don't like and have control over.

I spend my days in little tasks. I sit on the floor playing Candyland with my daughter and teaching her to read and spell with Bananagram tiles. I watch her tear Kleenexes and colored papers into tiny bits to fill an Easter basket so she can have "confetti" to throw in joy at her pretend tea party. I cook noodles for her lunch, walk her to Kindergarten in the sunshine and walk home again, enjoying the blue skies and last bloom of flowers before fall. Soon we will walk in the brown, crunching leaves, wrapped in cozy sweaters and talking about the way seasons change. I laugh and joke with my boys and help them with their homework. I fold fresh laundry, taking in the nice fresh softness of a clean stack of towels. I clean and declutter and cook cabbage soup and sloppy joes for dinner, and then I read to my daughter before tucking her into bed with music by her favorite composer, Peter Tchaikovsky, playing in the background as she drifts off to sleep.

I spent a good part of today sorting through her baby clothes. It's emotional and a little bit draining, but while I happily donated all of my older childrens' clothing last week, I had a harder time with hers. I have not gotten rid of one single item of her clothing since she was born. The teeny tiny preemie outfits that were much too big for her when she came home are staying, as are the tiny doll clothes that she finally could fit into when she grew to be over 3 pounds. When I opened up the baby and toddler clothes totes, I looked at a few items, got teary, and put them all away. Ahhh, she is my baby, growing up so fast. I will sort those another day. But I did manage to go through several boxes of size 3 and 4 clothes that she has outgrown. I kept a few of the cutest things, but the rest we have no need for. Let someone else's princess enjoy them for now.

I like the way my life is going these days. I sit here and sip my iced coffee and type what's on my mind in the last minutes before I go to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten and take her to her dance class. I do love watching her dance! My life is freer now. I feel like I used to be bound by something in my head as well as the morbid obesity of my body; not only was it impossible for me to sit on the floor and play Candyland with my children, but I didn't really want to do it anyway. I was stuck in my head. I was living in the past. I was letting my fears and my sense of being a victim take over my life.

Life can change for the better. It really can. It might seem like you're in a rut you can't get out of, but keep climbing. One of these times you will get a toehold and pull yourself out and once you experience life out of the pit, you won't want to go back. I have slipped back in at times, but I feel like instead of sitting at the edge dangling my feet in now, I am getting on my feet and walking away.

Keep trying. Life waits.


Anonymous said...

I think was is really important to notice is how much better you can feel emotionally when you are off carbohydrates. I don't think it is just being lighter that does it. I think the carbohydrates do something to some of us that make us feel depressed and sad and unmotivated. Getting off them has been a blessing for my moods!

Theresa said...

if someone told me that all I needed to do was give up sugar to see the fog lift I'd have told them they were crazy..... yet here I am just like you, sugar free and clear thinking.
Thanks Lyn. <3

Desperate Diva said...

Indeed, my thoughts echo that of Theresa's - there's a lot too be said for a healthy diet, it really does start moving everything else in the right direction somehow - Positive eating, positive living as they say at my favorite restaurant!

Anonymous said...

Awesome, awesome post!!! I had a hard time getting rid of my youngest's baby things...bittersweet. Now I wish I'd kept more, but part of it was just trying to part MYSELF from all of the memories. Enjoy your little one - time goes by fast. My oldest is 21+ now; youngest is 16. Middle is almost 19. Whoa.
Thanks for your encouragement w/ your story. I love the last line.

Jessica said...

I enjoy your blog!

Lisa said...

wow. amen to that.

Vee said...

You're still making great headway in decluttering. Some things you just won't get rid of, like those preemie clothes. I assume you've told yourself it ok to hang on to some things.

I love reading your blog! Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

LOVEOFMYLIFE1924 said...

Wow! You posted everything that I logged on my blog today. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and its hard for me to play with my kids because of my weight...I am your past you and I can't to change to be the new me!

murgatroidgerow said...

This is such a lovely post!

Blubeari said...

Decluttered house, decluttered life :-)

Anonymous said...

Great post !

Winner at a Losing Game said...

Write a book. You are that gifted. Look back at your posts and you can see the metamorphoses. You have a way with words and, I suspect, are a gifted writer. Capitalize on your talent.

-J.Darling said...

Go get 'em tiger. ;)

It must be something in the air or the water. I'm in a place where I'm still doing a lot of work to get where I want to be, but I'm also happy with what I have, and changing what I need to.

Anonymous said...

I was just thinking about this last night. It takes time to get better but it will improve, but no it won't be perfect.

I went from 243-150, now I am back at 177 and working down again. I lost 85 pounds in a year and the skin on my stomach looked like a car wreck. I am actually hoping the yo yoing I have done since may have helped my stomach skin become a little tighter.

And yes those arm bat wings. I believe I will have them forever. I have seen people lose weight and get rid of them through extreme fitness regimes but I am not a marathoner in the making, it is just not me.

My breasts too, saggy deflated city, though I am still a D cup, invest in some good bras is all I can say.