Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oy

Well. As much as I'd like to skip a weigh in today, that would not be in my best interests. Staying off the scale for too long when you KNOW it won't be good new is just plain self-defeating. So... here we go.

Last Sunday I weighed in at 184 pounds. I ate on plan until Wednesday, and I already blogged about what I ate that day. Thursday I was doing just fine until evening and then ate some junk. I can't even remember WHAT junk which is sign #1 that things were not going well. I dunno, sometimes I just sort of 'fade out' and disconnect a little. I used to do that so regularly that I'd wake up in the mornings and be shocked to see empty candy wrappers all over the counters and ice cream tubs in the trash. I am not *quite* that disconnected anymore, but I did fade out, stop weighing, and sort of pretend I was not on any kind of diet, that I weighed a normal weight and could eat what I wanted without worrying about it. On Friday I went overboard with that little charade and went to 7-11 for M&M's. I have not had candy in ages, it seems, and let me tell you. It was sort of surreal, walking in there, buying M&M's, and then getting in my car with them. I looked down. I saw a decent looking body and a pack of M&M's on the seat. I felt almost liberated that I am "allowed" now to eat a candy bar without looking like some kind of freak show. Yes that might be graphic but THAT is how I always felt when I was really large and went on binge runs. I'd buy candy or whatever and feel like everyone was looking and staring at the fat lady buying candy. Like I was not "allowed" to have it... or "supposed" to have it. I'd make excuses to the cashier about the junk food being for a friend or one of my grown kids. I'd feel guilty and ashamed EVEN IF I was not going to binge but only going to buy one candy bar or a donut or a hot dog. I'd walk out of a store and feel like all eyes were on me, like I was this big example of what NOT to become, that people would point and whisper to their kids "that is what happens when you eat too much!" In my head I felt like I had no right to eat anything but a salad and grilled chicken and when I bought a candy I'd sit in the car, look down at my huge belly touching the steering wheel, and feel so ashamed that I'd either start crying or completely block out the feelings and stuff the candy bar down my throat. But the other day with the M&M's on my lap I smiled and felt like... oh it's hard to describe, but almost like I can finally just be one of Those People I always envied who were Allowed to have a candy bar and not feel guilty about it. It was crazy. But I was so happy eating that candy.

Unfortunately, I have a reaction to sugar that includes temporary insanity. That night I went out to eat at an ITALIAN restaurant (hello? I am supposed to be eating low carb?) and had a dish of manicotti, a salad, and garlic bread. I ate a reasonable portion... smallish, actually. But I was most definitely in la la land, saying to my Weight-Loss Conscience... "lalalalala!!! I can't hearrrr youuu!"

Yesterday was the day to get back on track except we had two festivals to go to so I did the whole "wait one more day to get it together" tactic. I had half of a sausage biscuit (at home) for breakfast. At festival #1, my lunch was half a medium order of fries and half of a 16 oz root beer float, shared with my daughter. At festival #2, I had a medium iced caramel latte. As I sat there drinking it I thought, "Holy crap, this is WAY TOO SWEET. Why did I not get sugar free? This is really no fun." But I let the ice melt in it to make it less sweet and drank it anyway (another sign I was out of my right mind, because usually I'd have no qualms about just throwing it out). For dinner I made my "healthier" version of chicken & dumplings (chicken breasts, onion, celery, veggies, low sodium broth, Healthy Request cream of chicken soup in the crock pot all day and then add low fat biscuit dough balls on top and cook through). Oh man, it was so good. And of course there was dessert: apple strudel. I had a nice sized piece.

As much as I would like to be able to have a few days like this once in awhile, it is really a bad idea for me right now. My body has *always* gained weight rapidly when I go off plan (whether that plan is Medifast, calorie counting, South Beach, Weight Watchers, whatever). I have this huge rebound effect that happens. I guess that is why I weighed 278 pounds... because my body is *really good* at storing up every calorie. I hate that this is how it goes, but I know better... it always happens the same way. I know that to keep the weight off long term is going to be a challenge for me, because even with a whole foods, healthy diet I still really want to eat junk sometimes. It will be a challenge but I am going to do it anyway.

This morning I weighed in at 193 pounds. That is a gain of nine pounds since Tuesday.

Next week will be better.

45 comments:

Lynne said...

Are you sure your scale is right? I know you indulged a bit, but 9 lbs. in a week? That just doesn't right.

Anonymous said...

That's so not fair!!! I don't understand why it is sooo hard to lose a pound and then so easy to put them on again. It will fall off fast, I bet.

René Descartes said...

You have done so well, that I know you won't have any trouble getting back on track. Just keep up the good work, and keep on inspiring the rest of us with your awesome progress.

Bonnie said...

I was thinking about your posts this week last night and thought "there's something going on in her life that she's dealing with by eating". I know that presumptuous of me, it's just how I felt when I read your last few posts. How do you express anger?

Liway said...

Lyn...I've sooo been there - I gain like that when I go off my plan too!! Sooo frustrating as it sure doesn't come OFF that fast!!! Grrr!! Anyway, hang in there...sometimes you just need to have a weekend like that! Just get back on track when you can. (this coming from the person who has been stuggling for a year to "get back on track)!! Sheesh!

Linda said...

Today is a new day to begin again, and do well. Is there something going on in your life that you're avoiding dealing with, and now self-medicating with food?

Lyn said...

Lynne~

Yes, I am sure. I calibrate my scale regularly and when I gained 11 pounds in a week last year, my doctor's scale confirmed it.

Bonnie & Linda~

I have some minor stresses but nothing new and huge. I think it is a combination of a change in weather and feeling like the weight loss is not *urgent* anymore... no major health issues, not much pain, I look good, etc.

But yeah, I want the weight off, and will finish what I started.

Anonymous said...

I think it might be a good time for you to establish a goal weight. For you, I think that once you get down to 170, you'll be at an easy weight to maintain, you wont be swimming in loose skin, and you'll look excellent. I think seeing a 1 in front of the scale was such good motivation for you, you should start driving for that second digit.

Anonymous said...

For the future:
1.)A hot shower and a couple aspirin will make you unwind better than a binge.
2.) Eating 100% raw foods before dinner will get your skin glowing, and will make your gut flora rich with digestive enzymes. It is virtually impossible to gain weight on raw food, even if it is cashews, avocado, and bananas. Its because raw foods assimilate themselves.
3.) Best ice cream you'll ever have? Put a couple frozen bananas in a food processor with some raw almond butter and raw honey, and whip! The texture is dead on! I can eat this all day and the scale doesn't budge.
4.) Look up the raw food movement, you've never tried anything like it!

Anonymous said...

No offense to the Anonymous poster, but it's impossible to gain weight on cashews? I'm afraid I'm not buying that one.

Lyn, it is astounding that you can gain weight that fast. This is the type of thing that enrages me, cause a lot of people will argue that it's all calories in versus calories burned, and yes you ate more than usual, but how was that enough to gain 9 pounds?? There are plenty of people walking around eating twice that amount regularly and not gaining 9 lb. It has to be that some people's metabolisms are different. Now I will say that when I do get some weight off, I can continue to eat "off plan" IF I work out at least four times a week. Maybe that is what is still lacking for you?

Oh well, I know you'll get this off too, and honestly, you can't stay on Medifast forever and I can't keep drinking protein shakes instead of having food either. We have to slowly incorporate smaller portions of real food, but I'm preaching to the choir here.

PaulaM

Karla said...

gaining is so easy, losing is so hard, life can be unfair.... we get over it and move on. This post is the exact reason I am already thinking about Thanksgiving, and pumpkin scones at Starbucks, and Christmas prime rib dinner.. don't let it defeat you!! You got this!! I have read you long enough to know this :)

Trish said...

I'm the same way. I can gain 10 pounds at the drop of a hat. I've found the good thing about those huge fat rebounds is that they usually come back off quickly once back on track. I bet those pounds will be gone if no time!

Anne W said...

Usually I find that if I have a really quick gain, part of it is gain, but part of it is water retention from the junk and that as soon as I get back on track I'll go back to maybe 1 or 2 pounds over my previous but not more.

I agree with the person who talked about the banana soft serve. That is pretty awesome. I just regular peanut butter because its cheaper though.

Lyn, you can do it! You are such an inspiration.

Becky P said...

I'm a new reader and appreciate you sharing your weight and pictures. I gained 40 pounds in 15 months (dialysis) on top of my already overweight body. I had a transplant, have more energy and this is my time. My start weight is 270 (yikes how did that happen) and I am encouraged. Again, thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Like you said, the moment you go off these diets (SB, Medifast, WW, Atkins, especially the low carb ones..), you are bound to gain weight rapidly. Once you reach your goal weight, and get off Medifast, your body will require even fewer calories than you currently eat to maintain (obviously depending on activity level), so you really need to start thinking now about how you plan to enter maintenance, rather than when you just reach your goal weight

I know that everyone is different, but I strongly recommend losing the last 20 lbs or so much more slowly than you have been doing, and on a healthy, sustainable diet, instead of a rigid plan, especially one that involves shakes and packaged foods. I think (only my opinion, of course), that is the best way to ensure that the moment you hit 160, you won't gain 20 lbs within the next couple of months.

Like you keep saying, you now feel and look 'normal', so why the rush to finish the journey? Let the last 20 come of slowly, and this will ensure that you can treat yourself once in a while, eat an occasional hot dog etc., and your body won't rebel and gain lbs and lbs of (water) weight as a result.

Just my two cents!!

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Doesn't it piss you off sometimes how darn easy it is to gain weight and how long and hard we have to fight to take it off? (We all know it, of course, and it's just the way it is, but it still irks me!)

I've had those surreal moments, too. It is as if you are watching yourself do it, and afterwards you quite can't believe the binge happened, except the wrappers are there as evidence.

I applaud you for getting on the scale. It's the first step back towards accountability. You took all the rest of the weight off...9 measly pounds is not going to trip you up in reaching your ultimate goal.

Mind Over Fatter said...

We all have "your moments" so don't be too hard on yourself. Focus on this week and the 9ish pounds should come off reasonably quickly. I suspect a good portion of the gain is water... I'm new to all this blogging but I wanted you to know I really enjoy your posts - they are honest and thought provoking...

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

My heart goes out to you. Of course your scale is right. And as far as the commenters who asked if you are going through something (and they assume this is *emotional* eating)...well, they just don't get it. Many many MANY of us who were once obese may achieve normal looking bodies (at least normal looking in clothes, not naked), but our bodies are never ever going to function like the bodies of people who were never obese. There are scientific reasons why less than 5% of formerly obese are able to keep all the weight off for more than 5 years. Unfortunately, the science hasn't been done. There is no money to be made in telling people that the Standard American Diet (lots of grains, starches and sugar) wrecks havoc on some of our bodies, and we are never the same again. We KNOW that certain tribes of Native Americans experience shockingly high rates of metabolic syndrome and diabetes. It is a genetic predisposition that occurs because their diets are so different from what their ancestors ate. Yet still, as medical professionals, we tell them to simply use portion control. Portion control works great if your metabolic system has not been irreparably damaged. It does not work if you are say, a Pima native.

Now, I have no idea what your heritage is, but I wonder if you are metabolically damaged. As am I. That means I can NEVER ever again eat like my husband or my children. They can eat a little of this, a little of that, and often overeat treats but then naturally cut back afterwards. My body is not like that and never will be. If I pretend that it is, I will weigh over 300 lbs again. Of course it isn't fair. But at least there is a treatment that works. Acceptance. I accept that I must eat a very different kind of diet than the standard american diet (which, incidentally, is not looking so great to the rest of the world in term of our current obesity rates.)

I don't think you will have as much difficulty with binging when you increase your calories and stabilize your weight. But I do think you might want to consider the idea that one of these binges could really and truly lead you back to a place you don't want to be. Of course, you have considered that idea. Now it may be time to accept.

Sincerely, R.

icannotweight said...

If your body is anything like mine, if you stay on track all week you will a huge chunk in a couple days, your liver stores extra energy as glycogen before it stores fat, and glycogen is stored with water molecules, which is why when you first start eating right (every time) the first week usually sees a bigger drop than any other week.

I'm 170lbs and I still feel like I cannot have candy/chocolate without people thinking I'm a freakshow. I also feel that way about wearing sweat pants or anything not nice because if a thin girls wears jogging pants it is hot, if a fat girls wears them they are being too lazy to wear real clothes. Honestly, I wore them today and felt like a total slob and I really was too lazy to get dressed the morning because of uterine cramps!

I do that gain 10lbs in a week thing too, it takes me forever to lose the weight and a week to put on a huge chunk! It's not cool!

D. said...

I'm actually the same way with super processed grain and/or carbs. I will gain 10-15 pounds the next day after eating them...it's part of why I cut them out pretty much entirely and went primal-style low carb.

Still despite this weekend, you should be proud of yourself. You've come a long way, and recognize your mistake, which says that maybe while part of it is automatic, you really *are* healthier both your mind and your body.

Hang in there Lyn! I will be thinking of you and wishing you luck.

Anonymous said...

I'm another Anonymous (for now) person who recently discovered your blog and am so happy to see someone who is totally honest with their battle against obesity.

I have not yet gotten serious about eating right -- which is scary, since I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes a couple of years ago, weigh over 300 lbs., am 56 years old, and am really starting to worry about my heart. I've always been overweight to one extent or another, but when my only child died of a drug overdose five years ago, I just stopped caring about it. I keep telling myself that I will get it together eventually, but I know that until I really do get off my butt and start doing something about this, I am just gambling with my life.

I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from, with your ups and downs. There have been times in my life that I have lost significant amounts of weight -- via South Beach, WW, etc. -- and have sworn that I never wanted to go back to my bad old ways, using food for comfort. But sooner or later, I always did. Sometimes I would be able to steer myself back to "the bright side of the road" for a while longer, but I was never able to discipline myself for long, because my issues with food run too deep.

I've always been someone who would have crazy weight fluctuations for long periods of time, then would just stick at one weight -- within a few pounds, up or down -- for long periods. When I was at a sticking point, I might "cheat" for a few days or a week, but once I got back to eating right, I'd go right back to that same weight for as long as I did the work. If I wasn't at a sticking point, my weight could fluctuate by ten pounds in a week, easily. A lot of that has to do with the time you weigh yourself, what you have or have not eaten before weighing, whether you went to the bathroom first or not (really! that may sound gross, but if you eat a half a pizza the night before, it might stay with you for a bit!), and variable water gain/loss from hormonal changes or dehydration -- I live in the desert, and when it's really hot, your weight can most certainly fluctuate in a day, depending on your activity level and water consumption.

It sounds to my like you are still in that gradually descending phase of weight loss, and haven't really stuck at one level yet, so things can go up or down quickly. When that happens, you almost have to force yourself to not weigh too often (as long as you are working to get the food consumption under control), because you'll just make yourself crazy. I know you have to weigh yourself to keep things real for you, but you should also tell yourself at the same time not to expect it to go down while you are in a binge mode. (I know you already know this, I guess I'm really just saying it for the people who seem surprised that your weight can fluctuate this much in a week.)

Just keep up the good work and don't beat yourself up for your slips. It's going to happen. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you ARE changing your life, and you ARE doing so much better than you were before you started this journey.

And you ARE helping many of the rest of us out here to come to terms with their own issues with food, and that's a miraculous thing. Thank you so much for being a real person with real feelings and strengths and weaknesses. You are a very special person...

Leslie said...

The main thing I have to say is thank you for being honest. It really helps those of us who get it...the insanity that ensues when we consume certain foods that our decision making ineffective and physically alters our body's ability to biochemical regulate insulin and sugar and carbs and all that other stuff.

I'm also a fast gainer when I overeat carbs, but also a fast responder to sane eating when I can finally rein myself in.

This is a process. Do you ever read TJ's Test Kitchen? She's on my blogroll and she posted an amazing vlog the other day about her struggle with desiring to binge but not giving in. Worth checking out. Hugs to you, Lyn!

Dinah Soar said...

Sounds like you are sabotaging yourself.

Also it is typical to have weight jump when carbs are added back after a low carb diet. Part of the metabolic process and can't be avoided. So you are normal in that your weight jumped 9 pounds in a week. You didn't regain 9 pounds of fat. This is the return of the fluid you lost initially when you started on Medifast.

Lyn said...

Thanks all for the great comments :)

Anonymous~

I do always weigh myself first thing in the morning, before eating, after a bathroom break. So I'm pretty consistent with that.

Dinah~

You're definitely right about the water, which is stored WITH carbs. I would bet that about half of that 9 pounds is water, about 3 pounds is the undigested food sitting in my gut (digestion slows wayyyy down for me when I am not eating enough veggies) and maybe 2 pounds of actual fat regain. It will come back off fast.

Just all part of the reality of my journey.

Tana said...

9 lbs in a week may seem drastic, but water weight and fat can both pile on mercilessly fast! I love your blog because you're so honest with yourself & your readers. You're an inspiration, and I'm so glad you're not giving up over a few rough days!

Anonymous said...

Next week you will do better. Keep up the good work !

You are doing so great even though you have had some difficulties during your weight loss journey. Who hasn´t had ? It is so hard work.

Lisa said...

9 pounds! I am crying for you!! I know that would kill me. I'm gonna say to you what no one else will. Please know it's because I care about you, I really do (as much as you can care about a blogger you never met i guess lol). It's exactly what I would say to myself and you probably have too.

KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF IMMEDIATELY!!!!! Right Now! Today is the day to be back on track. Every. Single. Day. Don't sabbotage yourself by buying crap that you know can cause you to stuggle. You KNOW that!! Quit trying to analyze wheather the pounds are from water or fat or who cares?? You know what it's from, it's there now, and now you have to get rid of it again. M&M's are not THAT good!! and they sure the hell aren't worth all your hard work being sabbotaged.

OK. Hope that doesn't upset you, or at least you can forgive me if you feel I'm being super mean. They don't call me the Diet Natzi at home for nothing. Don't you ever quit. And as far as slowing down, don't you do it! You keep your momentum as long as possible!!! Your body will slow itself down naturally as you get closer to the weight you should be.

Have a great week - you can do this!!

The Fat Mom said...

It's amazing how you described the feelings of eating that candy bar. I feel like if I'm not eating something "healthy" that people look at me and sneer.

Here's to hoping next week is better!

moonduster said...

You said:
My body has *always* gained weight rapidly when I go off plan. I have this huge rebound effect that happens... my body is *really good* at storing up every calorie. I hate that this is how it goes, but I know better... it always happens the same way. I know that to keep the weight off long term is going to be a challenge for me, because even with a whole foods, healthy diet I still really want to eat junk sometimes. It will be a challenge but I am going to do it anyway.

That is me EXACTLY! I ate bad for two days once and my weight jumped up 15 POUNDS! After a week, it was only up 7 pounds, but that's still a huge jump. I can even just have one or two "bad" foods during the week or skip one or two of my exercises and my weight will go up a bit. It sucks, but it's something I've had to accept.

You're still doing great and the weight you just gained will come off again. (((hug)))

Twix said...

Well you're not crazy now because you're here letting us know. And that's a good thing! You can just buckle right back down and I bet it will come back off in a jiffy. Keep going forward! :D

Lanie Painie said...

Threats of death dont' empower anybody, just scare them and make them seek comfort.

You have got this thing nailed. You know what you have to do. You know that you are worth it. It's a setback that you can learn from. I bet you're not going to be making that mistake again. This is one of the reasons I like weighing in daily so if I do go up a notch, I'll shock myself back into action before it gets to 9 lbs.

Let's go hit the Wii Fit! I know I've been slacking the last few days.

MargieAnne said...

Lynn I can gain just like you did last week and I could have written a similar post anytime in the last 2 weeks.

"Yesterday was the day to get back on track except we had two festivals to go to so I did the whole "wait one more day to get it together" tactic."

I'm not even sticking closely to my Low Carb, Gluten Free plan and yet when I opted out of making decent choices I gained 7 pounds in a week. It's definitely something to do with metabolism, carbs and fluid retention and it's blimmin annoying.

I don't think you'll have any more trouble at maintenance than you do now. Some foods will have to remain "on Occasion" only but I think/hope that the longer we maintain a healthy weight the better our metabolism, body chemistry will handle those occasional foods.

It's nice to pick up a chocolate bar and not want to make excuses for the purchase.

Today I am undoing recent damage and refreshing my head/plans/goals. I have too many 'off plan' days and I need to make better food choices on those days.

Jane said...

For those of us who have previously been obese, we have lots of little fat cells just waiting to turn into big fat cells AGAIN! They soak up the water weight and fat very quickly! I have been there and done that! Just get back on plan. You can do it!

Daisygirl said...

I'm with you on this one too! I hate that I can regain the five pounds that took such tenacity and deprivation and 3 weeks of my life to lose in just a few misspent days. SO FRUSTRATING!!!! Just grit your teeth and keep trucking! That same determination that has brought you so far will keep you on track again!

Theresa said...

I have nothing profound to say.....the "knock that shit off" commenter made me LOL. :D

I won't stop reading your blog when the news isn't all rosy.

Take care!
Theresa

Anonymous said...

A bad week for sure, BUT you will make next week better. You weren't kidding about gaining weight quickly! I am IMPRESSED but what you have accomplished so far AND your honesty about how you gained the weight. there is no power in the binge when you take responsibility and don't hide. Thanks for being such a good role model!

Tracey said...

I feel you. I can undo weeks of hard work in one "normal" weekend. It's incredibly frustrating. As for the suggestion that you might be angry about something . . . I don't want to be presumptuous, but I know for me personally, sometimes I just get TIRED of worrying about what I eat and say screw it. Maybe you've been doing this for so long that you have a little of that going on?

Anonymous said...

It really sucks when that happens, and it is just so frustrating I know. But, that being said, the fact that you acknowledge how you have gone off plan, and still weigh in, makes you that much closer to your goal. So learn from it, and the next time this happens it will be easier to stop and be more manageable.

Vee said...

THIS week you ARE better. Present tense. Because you acknowledge where you went off a little. You are a vibrant passionate intelligent woman with a LOT to give and you deserve to be that person who CAN afford an M&Ms from time to time. Because she wants a snack, not hide from whatever is going on. Enjoy life. You're in it!

Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

Mary - A Merry Life said...

You know some of it has to be water retention because all of the sodium. Gaining 9 lbs in a week? Less than a week? Doubt it. But that being said, it's still a gain so at least you know to get back on track asap.


Next will be better, obviously. ;)

Tammy said...

Dude...I had the same kind of wknd. Up 7 lbs. this morning. Sometimes we get it right....sometimes we don't.

Ariel said...

Oh thank god, you are a real person! Here I thought you were perfect :P

Anonymous said...

9 pounds is insane. Are you sure it was that much? You did eat a lot of junk but that sounds sort of crazy.

And the whole rationale about smaller people being able to binge on candy is not a good one! People who are a healthy weight DON'T binge on candy! Or I should say, people who were once fat and then got to a healthy weight don't and shouldn't.

I'm not trying to be critical because I'm going through the same weight loss journey. Have you tried Weight Watchers ( I apologize I'm new to your blog). Do you have access to a gym? I'm fortunate as my apartment has one. I work out for an hour every day and make sure to stay on track every day and have a treat, a small one, when my points allow it. I've lost between 2-4 pounds a week so far and I know you could do that too! We were the same weight before this week, I'm at 180 but I was 200 7 weeks ago. I know it is hard but all good things take a lot of stamina. Being healthy is so much better than eating junk food and watching your daughter grow up. If you are having a hard day, take a hot bath and watch a good movie or read a good book, paint your nails, call a friend, do an art project, anything but eating if you aren't hungry!!

Momma Hunt said...

I feel your pain, my gains, just like my booty are big. My losses over course are half a pound at a time!

Deb Willbefree said...

"Unfortunately, I have a reactin to sugar that involves temporary insanity."

Me, too. Add gluten and the insanity becomes deep-seated and lasts for days...

Up and at 'em, dearheart, we can do this thing!

Deb