Friday, August 20, 2010

The Bakery

Yeah,*another* post today! I totally missed blogging while I was away and I have a lot of stuff rattling around in my head.

Today I went school and grocery shopping with some of my kids. I was in the usual store, which has a small bakery in the back corner. They have some nice whole grain breads, etc, so I wandered back there (the organics are next to the bakery as well). They also give out free cookies to children, so when the kiddos asked, we walked over to the bakery counter. I have been to this bakery counter hundreds... probably thousands of times in the 14 years I have lived here. It's never had much that appealed to me. Even back in my 278-pound, binge-eating days, I didn't get much from this bakery. They have a glass cabinet filled with boring, Walmart-esque cakes and some other random ick, and the only times I ever got binge food from there I didn't even finish it because it was boring and blah. Same old whipped pudding layered with cake, or tiramisu wannabe.

(If you are going to flip out and binge if you read descriptions of sugary food, skip this next paragraph!! You've been warned.)

Well, guess what. They changed things since I was last in there. Now there are TWO glass cabinets plus some big glass cookie jars on top. And the stuff in cabinet #2 made my eyes pop out of my head. My son was BEGGING me to buy goodies, and I was looking at all the new, exciting treats in there and I actually thought, "if I ever binge again, I am coming HERE." I stared longingly at HUGE brownies layered with nuts and caramel, fancy cupcakes with delightful-looking toppings, and nanaimo bars (an old binge favorite... wanna kill yourself with fat and sugar? Here's your best tool!). In the bottom of the cabinet, they had little 6-ounce coffee cups MADE OF CHOCOLATE and filled with mocha filling, topped with whipped cream. I thought I would die right there. My old fat girl in my head was just chomping at the bit here, planning a giant binge of classic sorts... "one of those, one of those, two of those, one of those..." she said (and in real life, last time she did this at a different store several years ago, she made sure to hint to the baker that she was having a party and sampling many things she was considering for the party, by asking, "now, if I decide on one of these items can I call ahead and have a few dozen made to pick up?" Shameful.) Anyway, when my eyes rested on those glass jars on top of the cabinet, filled with cookies dipped in dark chocolate and rolled in pecans, I heaved a *really big* sigh, and wandered away.

I *knew*.... I know... I cannot eat that crap. Ever. I would get violently ill if I did that. I am pretty sure I would not enjoy it due to a) guilt and b) nothing tasting as good as it looks. I was not seriously tempted nor considering actually BUYING any of that stuff, but there is something curious that happens when I get a lot of food stimulation. The fat binge eater comes out in my head and pretends she is going to binge. She drools. She picks out all the things she wants. And then, I put her back in her closet. She and I are not the same person anymore. We used to be... and in fact, until recently, I did feel a kinship and a oneness with her. But now she is a shadow of her former self... just a ghost in the closet... an apparition that I can see through and set aside. She is the worst, out-of-control parts of me, left behind. I brought all her good qualities with me into my new life.

I still want stuff. I still indulge or overdo it sometimes. My kid is eating nachos at the table right now and I'd love to have some. And someday I will. Heck, I might even buy a little chocolate coffee cup full of mocha cream from that bakery someday just for the sake of trying a bite. But it won't be with the same as it used to be. It'll be buying one item, with my family in tow to share it with. No more secret eating. No more self abuse.

I am glad I wandered over to that bakery counter. I learned a little more about myself and how I have grown, and even though those treats are a new awareness in my head now, I don't have to act on them. They no longer drive me to binge.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are my HERO! Seriously. I recently started writing to chronicle my weight loss journey but I stopped when I found your blog because it seems you are writing what is in my head and heart but doing it so much better than I could. It's really a good thing. My writing is terrible; yours inspires me. Thank you Lyn!

Vee said...

It's the secret eating, isn't it? Thinking that you'll be judged so you make up stories about buying for a party or for your kid to take to school or a birthday or your shut-in friend. Then you make sure that YOU're the one carrying that bag in from the car and it goes directly into your bedroom, making sure there's plenty of time before Hubby comes home. The rest of the groceries get put away and then you find an excuse to go to your bedroom and shut the door. 20 minutes later, in a semi-comatose state, you emerge from the bedroom, hiding the bag of empty boxes and bags and wrappers in a pile of "stuff you were just organizing".

Sorry. Brought back not-so-long-ago memories.

Vee at http://veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

Blubeari said...

I have to agree with 'anonymous' here... you are my hero! I am really working for the day that my binge monster can stay calm.

McCulley's said...

Wow it takes alot to do that way to go

oh_mg said...

That's so great! This really struck a chord with me, mostly because I've never talked to other people with bingeing problems, so I always assumed I was the only one who bought a dozen cookies "for my kids" (of which I have none) or asked "You can write 'Happy Birthday' on this cake, right?"

It takes a lot of strength to resist old habits. I had a small moment like that today - I went to a friend's house, and they make their own ice cream, and when offered some, I politely said "No thanks" - it was one of those moments where you realize just how strong you are! The feeling of success is a much more satisfying high than the one from bingeing.

Lisa said...

Yea for you!! You really are learning about yourself, it's wonderful. I have a chocolate donut I've been wanting for months now. It's a very particular donut and the few times I've decided to go ahead and get it they've been out. I can take a hint lol. But one day, one very special to be determined day I'm going to get that donut and eat the entire thing. And oh man is it going to be good. I used to stop at the store on my way to work about once a week and get two of those donuts and finish them off before I even got out of the parking lot. Carbs are not my friends. Keep it up girl!!

screwdestiny said...

"No more self abuse."

Damn straight!

Greek Girl from Queens said...

Well done, once again, Lyn! You truly are an inspiration to all of us. I still get screamed at by my inner binge eater whenever I'm near bakeries, so I'm still staying away from them as much as possible. One day, I hope to get to the place you're at - where I can go up to a delicious looking counter like the one that you met up with, and deal with it in just the way you have. Fantastic! Keep on keepin' on!

Lori said...

WOW!! I am very impressed.
Lori

Stephanie said...

You rock! I'm working on controlling my binge demons, so you're an inspiration to me. Keep it up! :)

Steelers6 said...

IM-press-ive..........

And ya know, honestly, this is something that *I* can replay in my head when I'm tempted. The fact that LYN could walk away. I'm doin' ok, really, and this kind of thing/post is helpful and empowering. So good job to YOU, and thank you from ME.

I am so proud of you.

Chrissy

Beth said...

You continue to be such an inspiration. Thank you for being so candid & honest re: your journey. As my little brother recently said to me... you are a rock star! =)

Theresa said...

stay strong Lyn!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Im sorry but you are so frikin funny I could die, and Vee boy do I know what you are talking about..............

ROFLOL

Mother of Many