Today I went to an event with my daughter where I was asked to sit on the floor. I sat down and was on the hard, tile floor for 15 minutes when I realized how comfortable I was. I was sitting with my arms loosely around my bent knees... a position that was physically impossible for me not long ago, when my 56 inch belly was in the way. And when it was time to get up, I had no trouble standing without hefting my giant arse up, getting on all fours, and pushing myself up rear-first like a toddler learning to stand... which is how I used to get up IF I could get up at all. Really, I remember writing long ago on my blog about the first time I signed my little girl up for a Mommy & Me gymnastics class and we had to get up and down off the floor and march in circles to warm up. I'd lost a bit of weight by then and KNEW that if I had not, I'd have cancelled the class due to sheer embarrassment at my inability to get up off the floor in a dignified manner.
Nowadays, it's nothing to go from floor to standing without dramatics, injury, or assistance. I do it all the time at home, when I sit down to play with my daughter or pick things up off the floor. I do it in her classes or when there is nowhere to sit, because standing for long periods makes my knees ache. I sit on the ground when I watch her practice soccer for an hour, and I sit in a shady grass patch at the park while she plays with friends (when I am not up playing with her, which I often am). I used to hover around the benches or chairs wherever we went, looking desperate and FEELING desperate to sit but unable to get myself to the floor and back up. People would notice and offer me their seats, which I took gratefully and out of necessity. I felt handicapped by my own limited mobility, and I was only in my mid-30's. I felt like an old lady. A very unfit old lady.
Hitting rock bottom for me was not just figurative. Being unable to sit on the floor and unable to rise up off the floor if I had to was humiliating. If I fell, I could not get up easily if at all. But now, I have pulled myself up, I am off the floor and I am strong. I am free to participate in all of life's events, whether there will be chairs there for me or not. This weight I am losing, it's not just pounds of fat. It's the weight of being afraid, being disappointed in myself, being hopeless and feeling incapable. It's like I've been healed of a debilitating condition. I do not take that for granted. I am so thankful every day.
I am off the floor, and that's where I am going to stay.
Grins For Breakfast
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