Monday, July 12, 2010

I Believe

I feel really confident right now... positive, strong, capable. The weight is dropping off more quickly than it has been: four pounds in eight days, despite PMS. And even though there is stress and things are not resolved nor yet improved with my son's health, I can't help but feel like I can handle things. I AM handling things. And though I am not what I'd call 'religious,' I *am* spiritual, and I do feel that the many prayers and good thoughts coming from you kind folks in my direction have been helpful. I do believe that. So thank you.

Last week I lost 3 pounds. Another dropped off yesterday. I am sticking to my schedule, eating every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, drinking lots of water, making sure I get enough protein and veggies. But more importantly, my mind is in a better place. I'm not always fighting with food, or cravings, or feelings of despair. I am *so much* more self aware than I was even six months ago. It makes me think more and more that this change in me is a permanent one... one of progression. Not a phase. Not something I will lose and possibly slip back into old ways. I feel so changed. Not just on the surface. Deep within.

As I reflect, I think it had to be that way. The old Lyn with the blanket of sadness and shroud of victimization was too powerless and hopeless to make changes this big. She was embedded in the belief that THIS IS HOW IT IS, I am doomed to be *less than*, and I am incapable of reaching the potential I might have had *before* all these 'things' happened to me. I liked myself in some ways; no, actually, I liked what I might have been... what I thought I could have been but had been somehow stripped from me by years of pain, rejection, isolation, and what I, personally, believed was failure. But my 'failures' back then, they were really successes. They were building blocks to create a new me... to break down the old, scarred self and rebuild this new person who I am becoming. Not just physically; no, in fact, the physical is almost a side effect or an addendum to the *real* changes that have occurred.

I don't think the Lyn I am becoming could live the way the old Lyn lived, with binges and the overwhelming feeling of spinning out of control in so many aspects of life, with the limitations of a body that couldn't function well enough to take a short walk to the park or walk along the beach for ten minutes. I could no longer live with the pain of acid reflux, of daily headaches and weekly migraines... of being unable to go downstairs to do laundry or to kiss my children goodnight. I couldn't take myself in my current state of mind and accept a life that revolves around Big Macs and french fries and how many candy bars I can eat in the parking lot with no one looking... a life of sleeping propped up with pillows so I won't keep waking up in the night choking on half digested food coming back up my throat in my sleep. I could not accept a life without *real* hope, without freedom. I could not... I cannot... live that way anymore. It is foreign to me now, and has so much less to do with weight than it has to do with a change of thinking... a change of heart.

I believe in myself. That's more than words now. I used to say that, but it was just a token gesture to the broken girl underneath. Now, I really do believe in me.

Thank you for believing in me, too.

10 comments:

LetMeTellYouATale said...

Thank you for sharing!

Anonymous said...

That was awesome ! You are really making progress in so many ways. It is so encouraging to read about that. Thanks !

Lanie Painie said...

I believe in you, too! All those changes are so worth it!

Hope (Unexpected Sunshine) said...

You're worth believing in. :)

Paula Rodriguez said...

Lynn, I know you have struggled as I have been reading your blog for well over a year and I'm in the place where you were last year. The weight is just not coming off despite my efforts. But I know if you are doing it then so can I.

Thanks for inspiring.

Jennifer said...

What you are feeling is the best feeling ever isnt it? I had no idea I could be happy with myself and it makes me a better person all around...a better mom, wife, friend, etc. Congrats Lyn.

Jennifer
V

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

I believe in you, too. And I believe in ME. My post today is very similar, uncannily enough. Our beliefs really shape what we are able to achieve in our lives. Now that you BELIEVE, you can DO. Excited for you, Lyn!

Karen said...

Thanks so much for once again inspiring me!!! And I certainly believe in you and without you I would not have lost 29 pounds!!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Lyn!!!! You deserve a great day AND a great year!!!

Bobbie said...

I am trying to take hope from all your words. I am 250 lb but that is down 28 lbs in the last year. And my legs, especially the right one, hurts so bad just to move at all, so the I am living now what you say you went through when you started. Can't even walk 10 minutes down the road. I haven't completely lost hope, but at times, so close. That's why I love reading your blog, I do take inspiration from it. I know you have been hurt in the past by "religion". I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I gain what strength I have from Him and my relationship with Him (as it is a relationship and not a religios activity). But you said you do consider yourself a spiritual person, so if you pray, I would really appreciate your prayers too.

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

BELIEVE is my MOTTO!! Kudos to you!