Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I Am SO ANGRY!

I am really mad. I'd say furious. This is a feeling I've been trying to shove down and I think, after fighting and arguing with my binge urges all day, I have finally let myself just feel what the heck is going on with me. I know it's not all just *one thing*, but this is a biggie.

Background:
A few years ago, there was an incident I wrote about on my blog, in which my toddler child ran off from me at a soccer game and I was unable to catch her as she raced, laughing, towards a busy street. I was chasing her as fast as I could at 278 pounds, which is no more than a slow lumber, and I could not get to her. I shouted to a stranger to grab her, and this lady stopped my child at the curb, right at the edge of the busy street.

I have been so appalled and ashamed and frightened by that incident, that I determined I would NEVER be in that position again. I HAD to lose weight to be able to care for my children. And I did. And although my kids are all old enough now that they wouldn't run away from me, I would not have a problem anymore catching a 2-year-old.

But I can't run. My knees are shot. I have degenerative arthritis, bone spurs, and a torn meniscus and my doctor told me at one point that I would be walking with a cane, then immobile and needing total knee replacements very soon. However I seem to have bought myself some mobility and, at least, some time with this weight loss plus exercise.

I haven't run, jogged, or trotted ANY distance more than 3 or 4 steps in, oh, I dunno, 15 years probably. I was ok with that. I can walk fast. I go pretty quickly up and down stairs, too. I can bike. I had no desire to run, or jog, or any of that unless necessitated by an emergency.

But just the other day, I took my little girl out to practice riding her bike. She has training wheels but she is scared to go faster than a snail's pace. So off we went to practice on a private road with a slight incline.

I walked beside her for awhile, holding her pink handlebars and encouraging her. After awhile, she got brave. And as we were going down the incline, she got to a speed that was faster than I can walk. I had to stay with her; I couldn't let her crash. Her eyes were lit up with excitement and she had a big smile on her face as she joyfully laughed... "WHEEEE, this is fun!" I broke into a jog. And for maybe 15 seconds, I RAN. I ran next to my daughter on her bike. And I felt FINE. I did NOT feel like I thought I would: huge, heavy, cumbersome, clutzy, out of breath, in pain. No. In fact, I felt excited, light, fast, free. It felt *really good.* We went to the top of the incline and did it once more, and again, I ran with her. When it was over and we went home, I thought, "Wow! That felt AWESOME! I bet I could actually run for some distance without getting winded..." But then I remembered. I have bad knees. VERY bad knees. Knees prone to a lot of injury. Very little cartilage. I can't run.

I thought about it a lot the past couple of days. I actually WANT to run or jog. I crave it. I remember when I was 17. I used to get up in the morning in the summertime and go running along a country road, just for awhile, as the sun came up. It felt strong and powerful. I've watched the Biggest Loser for years. They put these huge, 500-pound people on the treadmill, and within weeks they are running. I watch Bob and Jillian push people to their limits as they build endurance and strength. Hey, if those 300, 400 plus pound people can run, maybe I can!

I tried to find some kind of assurance that it is okay for me to run on these knees, but I fell short. It would be a very bad idea. It is just not something I can do. I would probably seriously hurt myself, and it might drive my knees to an earlier surgery. Disappointment.

Last night I watched that new Jillian show and that woman was on there and Jillian was making her run. She ended up running a 5k. She was limping along but she did it. And I just wanted to SCREAM. I was SO ANGRY. How come SHE gets to run and I don't? Why do all those other people get to run and I can't? Why can't I run? Now... after all this weight loss, after all this time, I FINALLY actually *want* to run, and I can't! Oh it makes me so angry, I can't even tell you.

I am thankful I can walk, but I tell you what. This anger is part of my problem at the moment. I am SO MAD that I cannot run or jog now that I want to, that I feel like stuffing my face. "If I can't run then what's the point? I may as well be fat!" I know that's not true. I am losing weight for a lot of reasons... and really, running wasn't one of them. But under the anger is a lot of disappointment. I am processing that and dealing with it.

Maybe I will go out in the backyard later, when it's dark and no one is watching, and run around in circles for awhile in the grass. I just want to run. I can't run like I want to, but I have to make peace with that. I can do other things, and that is just going to have to be enough.

52 comments:

Autumnforest said...

It sounds like an easy answer, but run in the pool. I snapped my achilles and had to have it reattached and that's how I rehabed and I actually still do it. It's great cause there's hardly any weight on you but you feel like you can run forever. There's other things that can give you that feeling like a recumbent stationary bike and elliptical machine, but you want to be sure they're allowed.

The really sad thing I learned from my family of smokers and my sister with weight issues was that by the time they got serious, the damaged had been done. There is a new reality. It's kind of life when the Biggest Loser folks end up with pounds of extra flesh. You don't just become thin and all the old issues are gone--you have results of having had the weight, sometimes the slow progression of diseases like diabetes and hypertension and heart disease, sometimes joint problems, stretch marks and extra skin. Still, all of these are treatable, whether having excess skin removed or having knees replaced. The wonderful father on the last season of Biggest Loser, he had horrible knee problems, lost the weight and I'm sure there's less stress on them, but you can be certain he will still need to have those replaced in time.

The key in making lifestyle changes is to go from self-pity and why me? To what can I do? Adapting is everything to being successful in life. Where there's a new reality, we must adapt because spending too much time in the "why me's" is kind of like in those thriller movies when the person panics and cries and breaks down when the door locks. And Mr. Adaptable is McGuyver'ing a way out of it already. So, move from why me? to what next? Adapt. Accept. Find what you have control of and seize it. Well, this is the talk I give myself all the time when I feel myself slipping into the "why me's." I have a good little frustrated tantrum and then I feel stronger and ready to accept the new change. I know you well enough to know you just want to vent the new reality and then you'll take total charge. That's my girl!

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

Anger is one of the emotions that has driven me to eat; probably the single biggest one, in fact. So KUDOS to you for recognizing it. I'm sorry about your knees, and I know you will find a way to move past this frustration at some point. In the meantime, don't eat to make the mad go away - feel it for a little. Let it be fuel for your determination to keep going!

He Took MY Last Name said...

Lyn- I know how you feel. I have had several ankle surgeries and can't run either. I also have a kneecap that is out of its groove and its constantly hurting. Like you, I want to run too. But you know what? I never will be able to! It sucks. But I know my limits. Unfortunately, you will have to do as your body dictates. Its honestly not worth pushing yourself beyond your limits in that regard (I've done it, and had to have a surgery as a result) Please take it from my experience. It honestly is no fun having surgery. It actually makes it worse instead of better. You will never get 100%.

However, if you really want to run, there are some other options. You could go swimming and water jog. Elliptical machines take a lot of the jarring pain out of running and dont put as much pressure on your joints.

Cartilage never repairs itself. Dont make your inevitable surgeries come about any sooner. Take care of your knees. I am so proud of your weight loss, it would be a shame to have you throw all that away being immobile because you were stubborn and wanted to push your body beyond limits it isnt capable of.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

My heart goes out to you. And you have every right to feel angry and cheated.

I like the ideas about running in a pool.

What about roller-blading? Is that possible? It's gliding rather than impact...and you get to wear knee protection! You'd get that wind-in-your-hair feeling, can do it with your kids on their bikes, or they can do it too (as long as they don't pull you down). Roller-blading on a bike path is so nice, so smooth, and relatively free of hazards.

Every day that you stay on track and don't turn to the eating, you are buying more time for your knees.

Let us know if roller-blading is an option for you!

Stay with the feelings, Lyn...so hard, but you are so worth it.

Lucy said...

Now that you have identified the anger, maybe that'll really help with getting the ating back under control?

I also just wanted to say do not give up hope. Do you have any form of sports med facility nearby?

A friend of mine weighed in at 343lb and is now down to 231 lb.

Due to previous work related knee injuries, and osteoarthritis, she was advised by her Dr not to run.

A trainer at our little gym suggested she had a visit with our local sports med Dr. My friend now runs 5k three times a week......

So there is maybe a little hope?

And water running....oh my, that is SUCH fun and such a good work out!

Lori said...

I feel your frustration. I wish there was easy answers. Maybe seek other opinions or maybe resign to the fact that you will do something like an elliptical, bike or like someone else said, water running. I hear that is fabulous. Whatever you decide, identifying the anger is a huge step to overcoming it. Good luck.

Lori
52 lbs and counting

Grace said...

Hi, Lyn! I'm new to your blog and to the weight-loss blogging community. :D

I love your last post, and I've wondered about Jillian's over the top exercisers, as well. I'm doing Jillian's 30 Day Shred, btw.

Anyway, I did some research and found an online interview with Jillian, and she said the people on her two shows are so very carefully screened, it's unbelievable. They have super intense physicals, and while they are often way overweight, they're in good physical condition and have been given the 'okay' by a 'team' of super professional doctors that they can work out for 4-6 hours a day, including running! Apparently, they don't have cartilage issues and such.

I know it's frustrating. My knees hurt so badly after just doing all of her jumping jacks! LOL!! She said, and I quote (I think), "No excuses. I have 400 pound people who can do this. So can you!" Well, that's just not accurate. She has 400 pound people with good knees who can do her workouts, but I know of one 156 pounder (that's me) who CAN'T. hehe! My joints just aren't that strong. :(

So, Lyn, be encouraged. You're doing a great job. Your friends have offered wonderful options. I'm glad you're venting and allowing yourself to feel. That's so good. ((hug)) I pray your knees surprise you and get better instead of worse. Miracles do happen. But whatever the case, keep on movin'. You're doing a wonderful job.

Love, Grace

Anonymous said...

I have multiple sclerosis, and have alot of pain in my legs. When I started this journey, I knew I was going to have to face the pain head on. I don't want to sit on the couch and do nothing. I get up and walk anyway. I just do it and I push through that pain. If I'm having a really bad day I will not walk, but my body craves the movement.
One day my daughter was playing wii fit plus and I got up and decided to try a short light jog with one of the games, and although it hurt, it sure felt good everywhere else.

I know that I will continue pushing past my pain to do what it takes for me to get healthy.

MizFit said...

and you know what? I keep trying to find my love of the run and it AINT THERE SISTER
can you powerpower walk at all?
jog in the water?

let me know if you wanna brainstorm!
xo xo

Naomi.de.Plume said...

Lyn: If you want to run that badly, I think you should work toward it. I know what your doctor said, but have you gotten a second opinion? What about seeing a specialist? Taking part in a clinical trial? What about starting with very short jogs and seeing how your knees hold up? I don't think you should let the fear of what your doctor told you would happen hold you back from trying it. How are your knees doing today after your short run?

Leslie said...

Glad you got that off your chest. You have some great comments here. I say start to focus on daily walking with good stretching and cooling down. Even if the knees don't hurt, slap some ice on them for 10 minutes after you walk. And what you did "by accident", the 2 brief jogs - are a great way to begin trying to see if you can begin very slowly. walk 5 minutes, slow jog 30 seconds or one minute. Repeat that for 30 minutes or so. Ice when done - even with no pain. If they feel good the next day, do it again with no increase.

I agree with so many commenters who said nothing is impossible. You just have to go veeeerrrry slowly in building up.

One thing, I found out walking in water can put a lot of torque on knees. I tore a second meniscus this winter doing just that. Midlife Swimmer's blog is all about water, swimming and weight loss. She's helped me a lot with returning to the water and cautioned me NOT to use forward walking motion because of the torque against the knees. Check out her blog - she has specific knee friendly tips. I think you can do this!!!

Hanlie said...

Good for you for expressing that anger! It's a very healthy response.

Theresa said...

Lyn,
I am so happy you were able to identify your anger. I have poor knees too, and no matter what I do or how much I weigh it won't change my knees. You are on a rollercoaster of emotions as the weight sheds from your body...... just be kind and loving to yourself. I'm very happy that you feel light and alive enough to even want to run.

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

OH I just went through this a couple of weeks ago, myself. Little one rode her bike for the first time with no training wheels and I was trying to keep up. Running along with the bike. I, too, went through the anger and that drive to want to run! I started out running three times around the garden. Last night, as little one is getting much more confident on the bike, she was in front of me...laughing and yelling you can do it...run...

Lisa said...

I'm wondering if you have tried walking on a track lately. I spent about 2 weeks walking around my neighborhood and it just killed my knees (to the point where I had to wear a brace). I found a track not too far from here and I've been using that instead. It's got a nice bouncy surface and my knees hardly ever hurt, when they do I know it's time to stop. The other thing I've noticed is that the lighter I am, the longer/faster I can go. I've just recently started adding in a little jogging - I think my PE teachers would pass out if they saw me lol. I don't particularly WANT to be a runner, but sometimes my body seems to want to go faster and I'm not going to argue with it!

The elliptical is an excellent suggestion, it's much easier on the knees.

I'm sorry your knees are so bad, I can imagine your frustration! As you loose weight they will get better, probably not 100% but you will most definately feel some improvements. I promise!

bbubblyb said...

I say nothing is impossible like Catherine said. I know for me I have very similar knee problems with the arthritis and little cartlidge and other things. I always wanted to run too. My doctor told me what exercises to do at the gym to build the muscles around my knees so I did that for over a year. I dropped more weight and after reading Seth's blog about running one day I decided I could do it and that night at the gym I did. I just ran 30 mins straight, it was slow but I ran. My knees didn't hurt either so I kept doing it and on Saturday I ran my first 5k. Am I a runner? Not really but at least I can say I can. I must say I don't like doctors that say people "can't" I think it has to be the persons decision because a mind is a powerful thing. I say try to run if that's what you want, see how your knees feel and go from there. Don't hurt yourself but don't give up on something you want either. Just like your weight loss you kept on trying and you're accomplishing what you set out to do. We all need goals and I say shoot for the stars. *hugs*

Spaghetti Cat said...

((((hugs)))

Andra said...

So healthy to express anger...better than turning it inward and stuffing it down with garbage grub. The elliptical is a good idea, Running in the pool is an excellent idea. And it feels so good!

-J.Darling said...

It sounds like the injuries to your knees are your "war wounds" from your battle with the buldge. Though you're winning that battle, old wounds can still hurt and inhibit us. For example, my last OB GYN asked how many times I've been pregnant. I've never been pregnant. He's not the first one to ask. See, I got so heavy so fast in my youth, that I have all the scarring stretch marks of a mother - but with the cruel irony that I'm 30 years old, PCOS patient, about to have my right ovary removed, and unmarried (which means no kids). But they are my battle scars. I may never have perfectly smooth skin in a bikini like some obese women I've known - but ya know, it's me. I'll never love my scars or my reproductive struggles. But they are what they are.

Stephanie Hill said...

There's so much I want to do and can't. I understand your anger and frustration. I'm glad you were able to put a name to what you were feeling and what was driving your binge. Knowing is, I think, more than half the battle. You continue to inspire me.

Anonymous said...

I've read somewhere, nytimes I think, that women are especially prone to knee problems but simple strengthening exercises can open up possibilities again.

Anonymous said...

I use a rebounder to jog. Its fun, and it's easier on the joints than walking. Very good workout. The more high end models are fantstic, but I just use my old trusty 24$ brand. We've done a lotta miles together.

Mary :: A Merry Life said...

It's good that you know you are angry and why.

I'm sorry you can't run. You have every right to be angry. I want to say go run, but I know that really that might be a terrible idea. there are things you can do like strengthen your leg muscles that will help, but running is still hard on your knees even with that. You want to walk when you are older, so maybe it's the best idea to sacrifice running and get over that you can't do it. Sometimes life isn't fair. But there are other things you can do and the other comments have some great suggestions.

Karen said...

I didn't read all the comments so if someone else mentioned these points, please forgive me:

1) walking is just as good for you as running and much less damaging to your joints so don't feel bad about making walking your primary exercise.

and

2) on those occasions where you really need to run (or want to as with your child on her bike) maybe those knee brace thingies would help minimize additional damage?

Either way, Lyn, you have turned your life around and will be here to watch ALL your children grow up. You won't be in a wheelchair. You won't be unable to climb stairs to go places with them. And you won't fear embarrasing your children by being the "fat Mom". You have done amazing things for your future already so although I know you are disappointed about limting your running, you are a brand new healthier person. I think you are TOTALLY AWESOME, to quote Rhino, the hamster from the movie Bolt! :)

Paula Rodriguez said...

I agree with Autumnforest. I was just going to suggest the very same thing. Run in the pool. I know what you mean about running. I have had knee replacement surgery as a kid and I'll never run fast but I am so thankful I can shuffle/jog slowly.

I'm so sorry for you and I understand.

Hugs
Paula aka paulawannacracker

Fat Grump said...

Hey Lyn - this is a 'count your blessings' time, isn't it?

I can really understand your frustration but if you push this you'll become a slim and immobile person. You are getting one part right - the weight. You are 'normalising' your body, and before long you are going to look absolutely fantastic. You will meet your weight loss goals, I am sure. And no one will know you can't run..except you and your kids, who will understand WHY you can't run. It could just be that when all the weight is lost your knees might be up to holding you on a jog without giving out...and then maybe (who knows?) you might be up to a run, given you are a much lighter model of Lyn:) I am no doctor, but I bet every single one would say, whatever you do now - DON'T damage your knees any further. Like ice cream and burgers, running is something on the 'steer clear of' list. You have such resolve. Find just a little more patience and feel really good that you are so much more mobile and healthier now. Your body is grateful...even your knees are benefitting. More than anything though, you want to reduce your weight so that your WHOLE body is becoming healthier. Fix the knees(if it's possible) when you feel you've lost the weight you want to.

Let go of that anger and appreciate that this is yet another time when you must do one thing at a time and right now, fitness and weight loss is your priority. See the 'running'as a fitness 'binge'...something you really can avoid, even though it frustrates you. Damaging your frame even further is not on the cards. We don't slim to become runners after all, do we? I hope one day you will be a runner, but give it a while. First things first x x

Anonymous said...

Perhaps I am wrong, but it seems like most of the commenters are missing the point entirely. Your loss is not about not being able to do exercise! Your feelings of loss are expressions of grief that you cannot create that wonderful feeling of spontaneous freedom and childlike thrill that comes with running...not unless you want to pay a serious price afterwards.

Of course you know a *thousand* ways to build muscle and increase fitness that do not involve running. But that is not what this is about, is it?

I cannot eat an icecream cone or a handful of Easter jelly beans without giving it a second thought. My husband can. Some of my friends can. Nor can I run without giving it a second thought (for the same reasons as you.) You are not alone, Lyn. If that is any consolation, I understand your grief. These are real losses we face even as we become healthier and fitter.

I hope you don't blame yourself. You have or had an eating disorder, at least that is what I understand, which contributed to your obesity. Not everyone can get an eating disorder. There is a genetic predisposition and various psychological triggers that lead a person to pursue that behavior (as a way of coping with stress) rather than pursuing something else. Even if the obesity *caused* your knee problems, they are not your fault. A very thin friend of mine had to give up running because of severe sciatica & nerve damage. The loss of running almost broke her heart for a time. She didn't blame herself even though she had been running miles a day for years as her favorite way to cope. Even in hindsight she would have done the same again because it was the best she knew how at the time.

It is good to feel your feelings. Painful, but good. Anger is normal. Feel. Live. Grow. You are finding your way in the world. You cannot do this without feeling many emotions. We are human.

Hugs,
Robin

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I think a really great exercise for you at this point would be to fill up a back pack with the 75 lbs you have lost and wear it around for at least a couple of hours. I really think it would hit home what this is all about and why you need to just enjoy the process and continue on.

I get my dog food in 34 lb bags. You have lost more than 2 of those suckers. I can barely put one in the grocery cart.

I think my suggestion is silly... but I also think it is REALLY EASY to forget what lugging around extra weight feels like. And I think that if you do it, you may really realize how different you could feel at 150 lbs.

Anyway, I am a lumbering slug myself, and everytime I lose weight I feel like dancing, because I just FEEL so much better. Don't lose sight of how far you've come, but also don't lose sight of how far you have to go and how much of a difference that may yet make in the way your joints feel.

KyokoCake said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated...I haven't gotten that inkling to want to run but I know it's frustrating to not be able to do the things you want, even when logically you should be able to. I hope that you're able to find something that is a good alternative to running!!

One thing I've seen people use if you have access to one is an adaptive motion trainer. It looks like an elliptical but has a huge range of motion and I know trainers use it for recovery from knee injuries (I know nothing about knees or anything so I don't know what you can and can't do). It takes away the high impact of running which is nice, and hopefully it will work for you so you can get that motion in of running!

Physicallee Fit said...

I see you're upset. And I'm sorry. I've not had that type of problem before so I can't empathize.

The closest I can I come is when I worked at a grocery store. The work was very up-down, up-down. My knees, that had never hurt before, started to hurt.

I started to take a hyaluronic acid supplement. The company is Hyalogic. The product is Synthovial Seven. It's great stuff. It works so well that they have a product for humans, a product for horses, and a product for housepets.

It's worth a shot.

Lyn said...

Thank you all so much for the suggestions. I am keeping them in mind and will try some of them.

Anonymous (Robin)~

You pegged it about my grief. Thank you for putting that into words for me.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are going through. I love to run. I may not look like with 30 extra pounds, but I enjoy going on long runs. However, I have snapping hip syndrome resulting in bursitis-inflammation and pain. Stretching allows me to walk, bike, etc. but the only way I could run without pain is a cortizone shot (very involved and expensive, as it is very deep in hip), or surgery. This will be an option when I can afford it, but for now, I just make the best of walking, biking and lifting weights, and dream of tendons that don't rub on my bones.
On the other hand, the cardiovascular benefits of walking are actually quite high. Keep up the good work.

elisaannh said...

I think all of this anger and frustration is not coming from the running thing, but more because you are fearing 199. People think that losing a lot of weight is one big happy, but for many of us, it creates a lot of fears.

I am having a lot of strange and ambiguous feelings myself about losing weight this time around. I am older, my body is NOT turning out like it use to. My fears now center around all the wrinkles, excess skin and loss of the last of my youth to obesity. I did not recognize myself in the mirror at 307 pounds and I do not recognize myself at 250 pounds, I fear that I will become a complete stranger by the time I am under 200!

Getting angry at not being able to run is easier than getting angry at the expectations we perceive will be placed on us when we no longer have fat to hide behind.

You did SO FABULOUS at controlling the binge monster lately. Inspiration PLUS!

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

That does suck but I do feel that since you felt the emotion instead of opting for the binge will enabled you to go the distance and reach your goal, you felt the emotion and didn't stuff it down. KUDOS! With that being said, can you buy knee braces to support them and do a real light jog? I know you can't rebuild the cartlige (sp error) like muscle or I don;t think you can but maybe just maybe it will help.

Damjana said...

I'm so sorry for you :(
I run a lot, now every morning 1h, I run marathons too, trekking competitions (8h running a day), I also did 24h runs and 3 day adventure races.. I feel sorry for you because you don't have the possibility..and people who can run, don't do it. Unfair.
Lots of love xoxo

Julie said...

Do you remember the Health Rider exercise machines from the 1990s? They are a wonder machine for the knees. Really helped me and my poor little knees! It is a no impact way to strengthen the muscles around the knees. I no longer have knee pain and I used to hobble up and down steps all the time. You can find the Health Riders at used fitness equipment stores. Good luck with your search for something that works for you!

Julie said...

I found a link for the new and improved health rider. Didn't know they were still making them. http://www.nordictrack.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Category2_-1_14751_16552_32006_Y

Anonymous said...

"And I just wanted to SCREAM. I was SO ANGRY. How come SHE gets to run and I don't? Why do all those other people get to run and I can't? Why can't I run?"

OK, here's mine: "And I just wanted to SCREAM. I was SO ANGRY. How come SHE gets to lose weight and I don't? Why does she get to lose weight and I can't? Why can't I lose weight?"

Yes, I mean you. Why do YOU get to have medifast for free? Why do YOU get to be so lucky? And now YOU WANT MORE???

You are a very lucky lucky person Lyn. Running is overrated. Losing weight and looking fabulous is H A R D. Count your blessings.

You Are Blessed. I wish I could lose weight for free.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Oh, I hear that! I understand. And I *do* recognise my blessings. It could have been any one of thousands of things that could have been asked here in the comments. Why do I get to have five children when others get none? Why do I have 2 working legs when some have none? Why do I get to live in a house and have food when others live in the streets? It's really that way with all of us... everyone has something someone else does't have. I do get that. Maybe you had a mom who loved you or a husband who cares about you or a father who is living or a sibling. I am sure you have blessings I don't, and vice versa.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful for what I DO have, but yes we have to aknowledge our feelings. You have every right to feel what you feel, including angry that I am losing weight and you are not (at the moment). Or that I got Medifast for free.

But I do want to say, briefly...

1) you do not need Medifast or any other product to lose weight. Just as I lost 64 pounds WITHOUT Medifast or any other product, so can you. Weight loss CAN BE free.

2) If you were willing to spend 3 or more years, countless hours every day working on a blog the way I have worked, for NO pay and no income, you might not consider the Medifast so 'free.' I have worked really, really hard at blogging and I earn practically nothing from it except the knowledge that it helps ME and helps others. So I think it is kinda nice I actually earned something with my efforts... finally.

I do hope you find a way to deal with your anger as I must with mine.

Lyn said...

oh, and

3) You're right. Losing weight is hard. It is still hard on Medifast. I am working very hard right now to see *any* losses on the scale... the emotional/mental work is huge, AND I still have to prep and cook my food and my family's food. I also have to get on that bike and ride, or hit the pavement and walk whether I want to or not. I just don't want you to think I have been given some kind of free pass to skinniness. This ain't easy.

360lbsman said...

I feel EXACTLY like you! When I watched Biggest Loser I kept wondering how on earth they could run like that. I also have problems with my knees.

Dinah Soar said...

Why is being able to be a runner so important to you? I imagine it's more about not having the option itself due to bad knees.

But all that weight you've carried around for so many years sure didn't help your knees.

Maybe you're more mad at yourself than anything???

Own your part in it. The rest is due to circumstances and genetics.

That's life. Suck it up and move on.

Don't let your anger over this put you into or keep you in bondage.

Life happens. Move on.

We all want to do things that we can't do. But being angry doesn't help one bit.

ohiofarmgirl said...

Ya know...knee replacement surgery is not that difficult of a surgery. My dear Aunt was 75 and breezed through it...set your mind on it and do it. Why wait until you are in such bad shape???? Enjoy your day. Dianntha

NewMe said...

I'll do you one better: I can't even bike because of my knee. The kneecap is so badly off track that the doctor can't even hold it in place manually when I bend the leg.

My only solution is surgery, and with my surgery track record, I really hesitate.

So yes, I understand your frustration.

NewMe said...

P.S. Knee surgery is NOT a walk in the park. It is, in fact, harder to recover from than hip surgery.

beerab said...

I think you can do it- I could NEVER run- at my heaviest I was 235. I even ended up getting tendonitis in my left foot. I went to the doctor and she recommended I get good running shoes (my insurance wouldn't pay for professional orthotics). I went to RoadRunners and was fitted with proper shoes and since then have had ZERO issues with my feet. Sure now and then they hurt more than usual but I just take it easy.

When I first started I could barely go more than a few minutes. Now I'm happy to say I CAN run despite it all. It took me a LONG time to build up- but I am sure if you start slow you CAN do it :)

hgoff79 said...

I know it sounds crazy, but perhaps you could try a little barefoot running around the yard? It's the only thing that has allowed me to run at all, and I'm still only at 2 miles barefooting, but it's amazing that the pain is gone.

I wear shoes called Vibram FiveFingers, but it's better to start out totally barefoot (not advisable in the city, ay).

Now that my knee pain is gone, we're working on the hip problem. I'm amazed that at 200 lbs and 5'2" that I'm running without knee pain!

Lala said...

I just started reading your blog and I sooo appreciate your challenges. I just wanted to suggest something that might help. I have knee problems as well, and I got some pool shoes and I run in the pool... it feels wonderful and soooo freeing to not feel pain when I run. I really recommend it!! Hope that helps!!!

Lala said...

oh, ha! I just read through the other comments and saw someone suggested running in the pool already... but I'd add that I had that same feeling of grief you (and Robin) so eloquently described and running in the pool felt wonderfully freeing! Being weightless and running has that same joyful feeling I had running as a child! I recommend just giving it a go and see if it brings you as much joy as it brought me :-). You can get pool shoes for around $15, which I recommend to prevent your feet from getting shredded on the bottom of the pool. Otherwise, it's a totally cheap sport :-)

lynna said...

I think it is incredibly healthy that you are able to articulate these feelings. Surely the ability to feel what we feel, and to acknowledge it, is part of the healing process... especially when eating had become a means to mask and to soothe painful emotions.

Incidentally, I use a wheelchair, and I completely understand the grief and the anger that comes with losses. For me, grieving the losses led to acceptance and to peace. (When I ride my NuStep, I close my eyes and picture myself jogging through my neighborhbood... almost as good as the real thing!)

You are doing wonderfully on this healing journey... it's about so much more than size, isn't it?

Sarah said...

Way to go Robin. You nail it every time.

I have no words of wisdom, just posting to say I understand. You work so hard to be able to use this body that you have unearthed and you just can't. Sucks.

Cynthia said...

TOTALLY understand the anger and frustration! Yet, we must live with our bodies and their limitations. I've got a bad knee and bad ankles, and now, bad feet as well. I had troubles when I was a slightly chubby child with ankles that might collapse without warning when I ran one year. As an adult... well, it would be lovely to run if I got the weight off, but realistically, it might just do further damage.

If I want to run, I do it in a pool. And no, that is NOT the same feeling as just being able to take off and run.

As for Biggest Loser, a lot of contestants have also had injuries, so honestly, I'm not convinced of the wisdom of putting those super heavy folks running on treadmills. We don't know if that is causing damage that they will later suffer from.

Don't fuss over what others can do, it's what you can do that counts. It's hard, boy, I know that and it is frustrating, but you have gotten great ideas for other possible options to try, including building up to very small jogs. Or maybe you could learn to do the racewalk thing!

One thing you are doing... losing weight! So focus on the good, the positive and continue enjoying that!