Sunday, May 16, 2010

Weigh In and Random Thoughts

I am absolutely not getting enough sleep. I am so tired I can barely think straight. There's not a whole lot I can do about this right now, except try to get to bed by 10.

This was the toughest week I have had in three months. It was PMS week and while my symptoms are not *as bad* when I am not eating sugar and junk, this time was a little more noticeable. A bit of cramping, mild headache, mild nausea and just feeling out of sorts. And of course, on two days I ate stuff that was not on plan (the Vietnamese food, and the buffet). Neither incident was huge, and I didn't see much of a scale effect (it bumped up a pound and then right back down... probably retaining water from all that salt). Other than those two meals, my eating was on plan 100% all week. My exercise was decent; I biked 3 days (30 minutes each), walked 3 days (20-30 minutes each) and lifted weights once (I need to be more consistent with the weights... at least twice a week). Scale this morning said 208, which is the same thing it said last Sunday, so no loss this week. Eh, PMS week is always a tough week; last month I lost one pound that week. I do usually lose well the *next* week, so I will ramp up the exercise a bit more and see what happens.

I seem to be *possibly* aggravating my foot again on the bike. I am not sure yet, but for a couple of days it would hurt slightly in the old injury area when I walked barefoot. Guess I will have to keep an eye on it. I want to bike... I just have to figure out what keeps going wrong and how I can fix it. Hey! I have insurance now! Maybe I will go see a doctor.

So... what's going on with me personally? Want a peek into my life?
My little girl is 4. She is in her second year of ballet and first year of tap. She LOVES to dance. She is a very girly girl, loves all things princess and Fancy Nancy and ponies with long colorful hair that can be put in bows and barrettes. She is performing in a couple of big recitals soon, so we've been busy with costumes and rehearsals and pictures. It's so fun! After a life filled with the joys of little BOYS and all their dirt, baseballs, camouflage, army men, monster trucks, bugs, boy scouts, rock climbing, and fishing (which I LOVED and treasured and reveled in as a Mom of Just Boys), the addition of my daughter has brought me a whole new world of experiences and another level of happiness. It's like I had a world full of radiant wonderful colors that I thought was perfect just as it was, and then suddenly I realized I had never seen the color pink. It's just a lovely addition to my experience. Love it. But boy am I busy!

I am getting thinner. Smaller. More vulnerable, it seems. If you've read much of my blog, you know I have experienced abuse. That when I was thin, before, I was easily lifted, moved, flipped, dragged, or pinned against my will, and it was a horrible experience for me. The weight became a protection. No one was going to flip, drag, or even budge me at 278 pounds. Now, while I no longer fear abuse from the people in my life, I *do* feel vulnerable when I am walking alone, home alone, or even with my little girl. It was a bit of a stalling point for me with the weight loss. I was *scared* to get lighter, partly because of this fear. The solution I found was twofold: 1) when I am under 200 pounds, I will take a self defence class. Some kind of martial arts... preferably with my daughter. I don't think my knees are ready for this yet but maybe in another 20-30 pounds. 2) when I have lost 100 pounds, I will get myself a puppy. A big dog breed. Something that, when grown, will help me feel safe. No, I don't want an attack dog... I just want an intimidating presence that will make someone at the park think twice about messing with me. I want a deep bark that will drive off potential intruders. I love dogs and have always had dogs, but my 8-pound, 11-year-old mini dog, while a true joy and pleasure to own, does not help me feel very secure. He is the Happiness Dog. That's his job... be cute, smile, wag his tail, be soft and furry and cuddly, always coming over with a huge grin and big beady eyes and lifting spirits. You just cannot help but smile when you have this dog around. But yeah, it is getting closer, so I am looking at a couple of breeds and making some decisions NOW about what kind of dog I want in my life. And yes, someday I will be sharing cute puppy pictures.

Other developments: it's salmon season (apparently) so my youngest son has brought me some delightful fresh salmon that he caught, which will show up on the menu soon. Another of my sons has caused me a great deal of heartache by slacking his classes and being a half credit shy of graduating with his class. Graduation is coming up and it just leaves a huge lump in my throat. He should still get his 2010 diploma by completing a class in summer school, but they won't let him walk at graduation with his class. Just breaks my heart, truly. He is a great kid, and I've put so much of my heart into him, and to have this taken away form him AND me because of his poor choices is really upsetting. I wake up in the night and cry about it. But, you know, that's just one of those things when you're a mother. They bring immeasurable joy but they also can break your heart. I am pinning my hopes on him learning a lesson from this and creating a better work ethic for himself. I just have to focus forward and hope someday I will get to attend his graduation from college.

That's about all for now. Let's make this a GREAT week. Active, healthy, full of fresh veggies. Life is too beautiful to cover it in chocolate, which might taste good, but can really make a mess of things.


Winner at a Losing Game said...

Oh Lyn,
I am glad you posted about the vulnerability. I, too, had experiences of abuse and really believe the fat was protection for me. I appreciate that you will get a dog and self defense. For me, it isn't really that kind of abuse as much as what a child experiences. For that, there isn't really a class to prevent. The fear today isn't really real because I am not a child. It is more of a subconscious thing. Anyway, I loved the bits about being a mother. I share in your experiences with the joys and the hearteaches. My sons have been a wonderful treasure and now I have a daughter in law that I absolutely adore. I am hoping some day for a granddaughter.

froggy said...

When alone in the house I will always take one of the Labradors to the door. They are big and nobody knows they are marshmallows. We just had a guest doggy, a German Shepherd, and you can tell they were bred for protection, even at a year old he has much more presence than the Labs do. And he was such a sweetie. He left yesterday and I miss him so much.

Jamie said...

I understand the fat being a protection its the same for me. As far as the bike goes how are you holding your feet on the pedals. I learned the other day that you are supposed to only put your toes and balls of your feet on the pedal it causes less foot pain and makes it easier to bike.

Ms. PJ Geek said...

I relate to the part about losing weight and feeling vulnerable and feeling like the extra pounds made us 'safe' and undraggable. It doesn't. My husband offered and showed me (gently) that when I was at my heaviest. I've done a kickboxing cardio class for the last several months and it really makes me feel empowered. My instructor lets us spar with him and practice our kicks and punches. While it's obvious he could kick our butts he lets us push and kick and punch him. That's not a class that a parent / child could do together, but I wanted you to know it has helped me immensely in so many ways-physical, emotional, and even spiritual. I think your plan for the class / the dog is great. I love mutt's/ rescue animals though, so encourage you to consider that avenue.

Blubeari said...

I absolutely recommend martial arts for the issue of vulnerability. Certainly you can never predict everything that is going to happen. But my confidence (as far as being afraid) went through the roof when I started taking Tae Kwon Do. Try to think of being smaller as stronger. Because you definitely are.

Anonymous said...

Love the last sentence! Might have to borrow it as a wonderful reminder of why covering life in chocolate isn't the best plan.

Jeanne said...

You have such a great outlook about EVERYTHING! That you can see your fears and make great plans to deal with them head on (self defense classes, the dog) is AWESOME! And that you can recognize (even though it hurts!) that your son made his own decisions and has hopefully learned from it, is soooooo hard to do and it's fantastic that you can! And my oldest danced for 9 years and absolutely loved it. Now, at almost 22, she said she does miss it sometimes...and so do I!!


georgia said...

I took and taught JuJitsu for years, now that I have girls (and a boy) of my own I'm out there looking at dojo's to find a good place to train again. Growing up in a community that had so much abuse around me, my dad insisted that I train...and let me tell you it paid off! A couple of dicey situations I got out of could have been...well don't want to think about it. The point is, even today almost 15 yrs after training with JuJitsu I don't feel as scared as maybe I sometimes should. I'd say wait for your little girl to be 5/6 and find a dojo that has family'll get a good feel for the art and see if it's the right one for you and her.

that TOPS lady said...

I love the honesty of your posts. It makes you real. :)

littleshorty said...

I know where you are on so
many areas. I love your last
sentence. You know how to say
it as it is with a great since
of humor.

Jennifer said...

My 3 year old just LOVES dance too. The only problem...she doesnt like to do it in front of a crowd! She dances her heart out at class(and from what I see is actually pretty good!) but at her performance yesterday and once before she stood there like a deer in headlights. She says she wants to keep going to dance because she loves it. Any thoughts??? She too is a girly girl. Pink and frilly, princess this, hearts that... too cute.

And as for the dog... I did the same. We just got a dog after the loss of our very large breed dog last fall(it was awful as he was a true part of the family). It really does help with feeling safe. I say this as she is in on the bed snoring away...haha. But...I know she wont let anyone in and will protect us :) Good luck in your search!

As for the weight...PMS week is tough. I dread to weigh in every 4th week! I am sure the numbers will be great next week. Hang in there.


Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog and you really made me do something about my weight. I have lost 8 pounds this week and I am going on to lose more. Thank you for sharing with us.

Lyn said...


I'd just keep taking her to class! It's ok if she just stands there in the recital at 3. I bet you when she is 4 she will dance. Lots of kids in the 3 yr old class got scared on stage but the 4's and 5's ALL danced. It might just be something she needs to mature into :)

Take a video... it will be PRECIOUS when she is older to show her how she was a deer in the headlights on stage!

Jennifer said...

I really, REALLY enjoy keeping up with you daily ... and enjoyed this post specifically (now I'm seriously hooked!) as I've experienced much of it.

You're so very motivating by the way! :)

Chantele said...

I've never been abused and I couldn't imagine it; but when I lost 60 pounds in 2008, I felt very vulnerable myself. I think mine came from being big my whole life and not knowing how I'd feel at a smaller weight, or how people would look at me.

Chin up, a week is just a week. Here's to Monday being a new one!

Jini said...

My dad used to say that you cannot live in fear. If you do, then you fail to live. He used to take the car out to go do charity (he volunteered at the local old folk’s home) till midnight. He was 70, had bad eyesight and liver problems but that never stopped him.

Overcoming fear is not something that most of us can do. It takes courage and perseverance. It is the same recipe for weight loss I suppose. You took that first step, to get out of your past and look at where it has taken you.

Accept that there are things out there that can do us harm. Accept that you have to be alert at all times and take all the measures. But accept that you will live your life to the fullest too.

I just wanted to share what he always taught me.

April said...

Lyn, thanks SO much for responded to my question. I truly appreciate it. I wanted to make it official, I accepted your challenge, and posted about it here!:

-J.Darling said...

So you want a bigger dog that looks intimidating but is still loveable?

I'm a Boxer owner myself. :) Clydas, my 55lb best friend, body gaurd, and most likely the most stable male ever to share my bedroom, is the best! He's brindle and still has his floppy ears, but because of his muscle (and the fact that many people breed boxers and pit bulls together- though Clydas is pure boxer) people keep their distance. And I'm a single woman flying solo! He's kept drunken neighbors at bay just because most folks don't want to take their chances. ;)

He's actually not a big barker, but he is a "presence", that's for sure!

Anonymous said...

Want a big dog that is an excellent puppy (not a horrible chewer) and that has wonderful personality, good with kids, and intimidates people that don't know them....get a Rhodesian Ridgeback. Our is 11 months old, 120 pounds of awesomeness. We will never own any other breed...
Research it and let me know what you think!

Legally Fabulous said...

This was a brave post - I am sure it was difficult for you to write.

I have a Great Dane. She is 3 years old and I am a single gal living in downtown Chicago... I have never once felt afraid when walking around with her, and they are the biggest lovebugs ever.
They are expensive, eat lots, have health problems, and don't live long (to be blunt!), but they are the most wonderful dogs in the entire world! :)