Friday, April 16, 2010

In Control

I had something really cool happen today.

You remember my post about fried potatoes? How those things were my #1 major binge food? Well yesterday my husband, who I have not seen in 6 weeks but is here at the moment bought himself a great big bag of Ruffles potato chips and sat eating them in the living room. It sort of bugged me, mainly that he DID that knowing I used to love them and am trying not to eat them anymore, but I was ok. He put the chips on the counter next to my bottles of sugar-free syrups. Then again today, he got out the chips and sat on the couch eating them straight from the bag for like, 20 minutes.

Did it bother me?

You know what? It didn't. I made myself a protein-rich Medifast banana pudding (made in a blender with less water and a bunch of ice = soft serve ice cream) and sat down to enjoy it. Those crunching sounds... the rustling bag... the constant chomp-chomp-chomp... they didn't set me off. Instead, I thought about how the inside of the bag is coated with grease, how insanely salty they are, and how ICKY I feel after eating that junk. And I smiled to myself because I don't WANT chips. I want to be well. I want protein. I want to be FREE from the addictive call of crap foods.

This weekend is a family member's birthday. I'll be making my famous chocolate layer cake from scratch with creamy chocolate frosting. I bought some Peanut Butter Cup ice cream for the celebration. I'll be making fresh calzones for dinner at the request of the birthday boy. And you know what? I am okay! I held that ice cream in my hands and didn't drool or get upset or start flipping out. I will make that cake and not taste the batter or the frosting because I trust that it will taste just the same as it has tasted every other time I have made it. I will enjoy the wonderful aroma of the chocolate cake, and it will be a joy to serve it to others. But I will stick with my eating plan, not because I am forced to or am depriving myself, but because I want to. I want to stay in control of my desires and my actions. It feels good, and powerful. It makes me happy. Happier than cake, or ice cream, or chips.

Have a great weekend!


Kyle Gershman said...

If I'm ever arrested for a homicide, it'll be because of listening to someone chomp/crunch/slurp their food.

On a different note, I'm so ecstatic your behaviors are getting such a great makeover!

Mishe@EatingJourney said...

The most important lesson that I have learned...well stripping back the emotion from food. If you want a bite of the cake .... go for it. It's not about deserving it, or starting over tomorrow, or man I am good. It's about simply enjoying it...for what it is.

Thanks for sharing this. You're doing great and it's nice to read and be inspired by this.

Ice Queen said...

You simply rock. :D

Police Girl said...

Thank you for this post! I have been thinking of my diet & exercise as a chore recently (so I haven't been doing very well).
BUT it really isn't!:)I WANT this. It's a choice. A life enhancing change. Now I can do better!

that TOPS lady said...

You mentioned "crap foods" in your post. Our TOPS leader taught a lessong titled "Stop eating CRAP" (pretty straightforward, huh?) LOL
She went on to say:
C= Caffine
R= Refined Sugar
A= Artificial Sweeteners
P= Processed foods (or P could stand for preservatives)

Now sometimes I catch myself thinking "This stuff is CRAP!" when I am eating something I shouldn't.

Just wanted to share my crappy story. LOL

Anonymous said...

I agree with Kyle. I wanted to rip my SOs throat out when he was crunching non stop on chocolate covered macademia nuts. You know, tossing em back, crunch crunch cruch, toss another handful, crunch crunch...I fould myself hoping he would choke. EEGAD!

Later he admitted he was trying to push my buttons. The turd.

Memória said...

I'm so proud of you. I've been following you since the time you first when down to your lowest weight. I'm so happy that you have gone down again.

I'm also happy that your willpower is so high!! That's awesome. Just make sure you that you also learn to eat some less-healthy foods from time to time so that when you reach your goal weight, you'll be used to balancing out the consumption of good and bad foods instead of doing "all or nothing". So, if you'd like a small piece of the cake, eat it with glee. Just stay on track...keep balanced. If you don't want any, then just keep away. I'm proud of you!

Anonymous said...

congrats!! that is awesome! way to ignore him trying to push your buttons, and stay strong. im glad you are still going to make the dishes for your fam. thats great and shows the strong control that you are learning and that is excelent! keep up the great work and keep on inspriring us all!!

Laurie said...

Awesome attitude!

Julie Lost and Found said...

Good for you!

I have a family member's birthday to host this weekend as well and have been really worried. I'm so glad I read your post this morning. Thank you!

Oh, and nothing makes me want to pounce on my husband and beat the living crap out of him more than his chomp chomp chomping on potato chips or popcorn sitting right next to me in the evening. :)

M said...

Bravo for you!! Keep thinking how much BETTER you feel now.
I'm so proud of you. YOU rock!

littleshorty said...

How awesome your blog is. You
are so encouraging. What an
overcomer you are. I can hardly
wait to read your messages each
day. I did not do well on sugar
yesterday, but today is a new
day. Thanks so much.

Missa said...

Great Post! @#$#@% the dude for trying to taunt you. So awesome for you that it didn't phase you.



Anonymous said...

Your ex is trying to push your buttons and control you, even spiting you. You are doing so great. It's a good thing that he is your ex, he doesn't deserve you. Your attitude is great, you have gained traction, you are a winner!!

Daisygirl said...

Way to go - I know (because I have an ex too) that he was just trying to sabatoge you and show you that he was still in control. The "Bleeper". YOU WIN, girlfriend!

Leaving Fatville said...

So glad you found your strength! Can I borrow some? This weekend is turning out tough for me, but I'm going to keep going through and remind myself how it feels to eat garbage foods. Maybe if I can fake it long enough, I can be as strong as you!

Physicallee Fit said...

Wonderful! I love that feeling of empowerment. Kudos to you for being strong in the face of adversity!

spunkysuzi said...

I truly believe that's how some of us have to handle trigger foods. I know that if i have even a small portion it sets off something in my brain that gives me such cravings that it just leads to an all out binge!
Good for you for staying strong :)

Shelley said...

Stay strong, girlfriend!

Julia said...

Should have read this before I poured out another serving of veggie chips - hmmm.

You are staying strong - that is awesome!!

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

I so NEED to do this when I cook, bake, whenever I have a craving or feeling a binge come on, 'cause its so true, and you nailed it:
"I trust that it will taste just the same as it has tasted every other time I have made it. "

I need to trust myself that I can do this. WOW, lesson learned. Man, between you and Roni, I get my eyes opened on a weekly basis - it's like you are in my head.

ceam said...

you are where I am aspiring to be. My cravings are a little unchecked right now... and I know a little control would make me happier. thanks for the great post.

Jennifer said...

Good for you for feeling in control! It is a good feeling that I have just found too.. keep it up!