Thursday, April 15, 2010

I Am Whole

I was lying on my bed tonight after a filling dinner of chicken & mushroom Fettuccine Alfredo made from zucchini, when I had a breakthrough moment. An enlightenment. A feeling I have not had in decades. It might be hard to describe this to you, but let me try.

By way of background, I have been SO energized for the past few days. I have stuck to my eating plan 100% and I have felt like *doing* things... like *living.* The weather is nice and sunny. I find myself no longer avoiding moving. What I mean is that when my kids used to ask me to do something, I'd try and find a way to put it off. If something came into my mind that I should be doing, I'd try to drown out that thought with food or TV or some other distraction. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, and I was no exception. Leave me alone. Let me be. I am tired. I want to sit. That was my mantra. But lately, I have been making an effort to stop this bad habit by FORCING myself to get up and do things even when I didn't feel like it. If I knew the toilet needed cleaning, and I started trying to rationalize NOT doing it, I would just FORCE myself up off the couch to do it, hating it all the way. If I saw that something ought to be done, instead of waiting for one of my kids to come around and then making THEM do it (as has been my habit), I just MADE myself get up and do it on my own. Gosh I hated it. I felt like I was dragging. But I wanted to change.

And change has come. I don't know what it is, but this week I became the person I was pretending to be. I became a self-motivated, active participant in my own life. I started noticing that instead of FORCING myself to get up and do that crappy stuff, I actually just DO it now without thinking or forcing. I just think, "oh, dishes need to be washed" and without even really trying, my legs are taking me into the kitchen and I am washing dishes and not moaning and complaining in my head the whole time. Instead of putting my daughter off when she wants to go outside, or MAKING myself do it, I actually just DO it and it feels natural and normal and good. Is this making any sense?

I have heard of "fake it til you make it" and I am not sure that's what has happened here... but something sure has changed in my head. I am on my feet most of the day. I am completing tasks, not in a race to try and hurry to get a few things knocked off some arbitrary list so I can have some justification to RELAX, but because completing the tasks is part of LIFE and I am living. I am actually *wanting* to go down that flight of stairs and get the papers off the printer myself rather than asking someone else to do it. I am going outside and picking up the yard because I FEEL LIKE IT. I feel like living. I feel alive. It almost brings me to tears, because I thought I was living before, but this is different.

And that's the new light... the realization that I had while lying in my bed this evening. I wasn't going to bed for the night; I was just going into my room to lie down for 10 minutes to take a break because I'd worked hard today, and I wanted a few moments to rest before putting my daughter to bed. And as I was lying there in my bed, listening to the birds singing outside the window, feeling myself breathe, I felt like myself again. But not the self I have been for the past decade and a half of divorced, obese misery; I felt like my prior, unspoiled self... the young girl who was happy and free and had such a bright future ahead. I suddenly actually FELT in every way like I felt at 17, or 19, lying on my bed after a full, active day and relaxing for a few minutes before finishing up the evening. I was ME. I was not scarred, hurt, afraid, hiding, jaded. I was not dreading anything. I was excited to be living, and every day was fresh and new. I was fit and healthy and did things because I felt like it, and I LOVED life. And tonight, lying in bed, I was that girl again.

I am that girl! I am still the same person I was at 17 or 19... just wiser, smarter, more experienced. I found ME. She has been lost... buried under fat and pain and sadness and rejection for years and years. I remembered her as someone I used to be... a different person. But I have her back. I feel reconnected. I don't feel split anymore. I feel whole again.

I am so happy with this life I have now. I think I have sort of been reborn, in a way. I never thought I would be able to reunite that young me with the me I am now, but tonight, knowing they are one and the same person... feeling that energy and peace and hope return and fill every corner of my being... I am just overflowing with joy.

Thank you for being a part of it.

37 comments:

mbm1forever said...

WOW! NO other words to say it! Good on you.

Anonymous said...

AWESOME.

I cant wait to get there


Mother of Many

screwdestiny said...

Thank YOU for sharing it with us.

Lisa said...

Lyn - that moved me to tears because I wish to feel that way too and because I am so happy for you getting there...

Elisabeth said...

I don't know if you feel this way or not, but I don't think your weight loss has much to do with this state of mind, pro or con.

I get the impression you are finally getting over a devastating divorce.

Maybe weight loss is part of it?

Whatever, just my observation from reading. I am happy for you.

Diana said...

I'm so happy for you Lyn. :)

Reese said...

A very touching post. I'm happy that you are loving life! :)

Mishe@EatingJourney said...

I had that realisation today as well. It hit me that I will no longer feed/listen to/procrastionate/take myself down to the level of the voice that has oppressed me for so long. Feeling 'full' is about being in the moment, nowhere else...totally embracing it. Thank you for writing this. It's the grace, the silver lining of this journey. It's more than weight, a size of jeans. It's living...that's beauty.

Gazzy said...

You are simply fantastic. You're an inspiration. I'm at that stage of feeling lost and detached from my life and I remember the times in the past I felt the way you describe yourself now and I'm truly moved. Your blog has always been honest and motivating and I can't wait to follow your lead and find the same results and happiness in my own life.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us!

Gazzy.

K. said...

what a wonderful post and a wonderful feeling...i know precisely what you mean. you don't feel limited by the weight of the weight anymore if u will, plus u r lighter on your feet. how freeing! very happy for you. K.
my blog: www.it-is-time.com

CJ said...

You moved me! It has been the first time ever that I read a post that came straight from the heart. I felt I was living through your recollections! This journey of weight loss has been a journey of rediscovery for you isn't it! Go ahead, don't stop now.

♥ CJ

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing.Carol

carla said...

I FREAKIN ADORE THE SENTENCE OF BECOMING THE PERSON YOU WERE PRETENDING TO BE (she shouts. I know)

lovelovelove.

Anonymous said...

I should know this, but just curious...if you don't mind...how old are you?

I am fighting the voice in my head that says, yeah...but you are old...you can NEVER feel young again at this age.

I am 49 and haven't felt really good for several years. I too have gone through a divorce, a really really hard time financially because of the way my ex took advantage of me. Even after the divorce, he tried to steal my identity. I have worked hard my whole life and I am a great manager, but there was never enough to go around. Once, I went 2 weeks without running water because I had 2 babies, no job and he wouldn't pay the water bill. He was making very good money, but used it all on himself.

My point is...am I too scarred or too old to ever lose this weight and feel whole again????


I wonder?

Leslie said...

Beautiful! Incredible and real. You've worked hard for this.

Missa said...

What a great friggin' day! I think I need that recipe for the fettucine, because it clearly makes epiphanies!!

AWESOME!

Cheers,
Missa
LosingEthel

Big Momma said...

That was beautiful! It really touched my heart. I hope to be where you are some day.

Jessica said...

Your last paragraph gave me chills. I've been reading your blog for months and in that short time I've noticed such a change. I'm really really gld for you. Enjoy your weekend!

Laryssa said...

Lyn, you've done an awesome job. I think you decision to do Medifast was the best. Not focusing on what you were going to cook for your meals the past couple of months helped you focus on the other parts of your life that needed focusing.

So inspiring!!

Nicole said...

I've read your blog for nearly 2 years now and this post literally gave me goosebumps... I have never been so happy for someone I have never met before :) Congratulations!

spunkysuzi said...

What an overwhelmingly awesome way to feel :)

Anonymous said...

Know how you feel. I am 62 and have reconnected with the successful and fit person I was at 35. It just took a turn of the mind. Do it anyway because it needs to be done and I am a person who gets things done. Still force myself to do housework though. I need a maid.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, your words are so beautiful! I'm very happy for you. Some of us don't have a happier self (from a younger time) to connect with, but I believe we can find the person we were meant to become. Circumstances like poverty and childhood trauma can make the process long and hard. Yet we have our whole lifetimes to make the transformation. We might as well keep at, each one of us creating a better world.
--Rebecca

Fat Grump said...

What a great post Lyn!

All I can say is, despite being busy, involved and socialising, I still feel I am trudging through life, semi-reluctantly. The joy of living has escaped me. I know when I did lose weight several years ago, I felt as though I was walking on air and nothing much troubled me at all. We owe it to ourselves to enjoy life, fat or thin, but I suspect many overweight people go through the motions rather than really live. As you have shown, we have to change things for ourselves.

Lyn said...

Thank you all so much. It is an amazing thing to wake up happy.

Elisabeth~

I don't think it is any one thing, but weight loss and getting off sugar is a big part of it. So is the mental work I have been doing to remedy the issues that got me fat and unhappy. However I don't think it is getting over the divorce of 14 years ago. My current marriage is in the toilet and heading the same direction but I am no longer letting that kind of thing define me and my attitude about life.

Anonymous~

I am 40. I feel your pain... I went thorugh a very hard time myself with four very small children and my heat turned off in winter, very little food and wearing shoes so worn their toes stuck out. Not fun and very difficult on a loving mother. I am so sorry you are going through this. But no, you are NOT too old or scarred. You are NOT. Never give up. You deserve better. Do it for the kids to start with... it will bleed over and you'll be doing it for YOU eventually. Hugs...

Missa~

The Fettuccine recipe is on my blog with pictures. I need to link it on my recipes page but in the meantime you can use the search box at the top left. I *think* searching for Fettuccine will turn it up!

Body By Pizza said...

Wonderfully written, wonderful realization. I often think about the more arduous tasks relating to weight-loss as a 'job' -- a job that needs to be done so that I can continue to sustain my existence -- just like the 9-5 job I show up to every day. Are there about 2,000 things I'd rather be doing than sitting at a desk forty hours a week? YOU BET. But. I've got to do it. Are there days where I don't feel like going to the gym? Absolutely! Days I feel like stuffing my face? You got it!

I've come to terms with the fact that we all seem to have our cryptonite. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. We've got to take it in stride and celebrate the victories.

It's nice to see that you are!

that TOPS lady said...

I am so happy for you and so jealous.

Jennifer said...

I know just what that "lost" feeling is and I am so happy that you have found your happy self again. I hope to be right behind you!!!!

Anonymous said...

Lyn-
I am tearing up...tears of joy for you!!!!! Unbelievable, unconditional tears of joy for you. You just keep rockin it, it will only get better:) Getting a life back or making a new life is amazing, I KNOW too!!!

You are not too old, too this or too that for anything, ever. BELIEVE and ACHIEVE! ALLOW the lightbulb to go off for yourself ladies, yes, ALLOW it because if you aren't here yet, you are not ALLOWING yourself to be here. You deserve it, you deserve a life that is being LIVED, everyone around you deserves you to live that life, don't settle for going thru the motions.

Lyn, I am over the moon for you!!!!!!! Lots of hugs:))

Tracey

Stephanie said...

Great post, Lyn. Totally meaningful for me right now, too. Thanks for coming by my blog and checking up on me - I've just been having a hard time lately and don't feel very enthused to blog. But your post is motivating, that's for sure! Thanks - enjoy reconnecting with the girl in you. :-) stephanie

kellyO said...

FANTASTIC! Good for you. What a great day!

Kyle Gershman said...

Happy Birthday, Lyn

anne h said...

Lyn - we are doing the same parallel universe thing again. JUST TODAY I realized I have a reason to live. Regardless of outcomes. Or income. Regardless of weight.
Like a healing is finally being allowed to occur.
Thanks for sharing!

Trying to Find the Skinny Me said...

I LOVE this post. You are amazing. Thanks for putting my feelings into words, too. :) I really enjoy reading your blog.

PhluffyPrincess said...

What an amazing epiphany and feeling. This is definitely something I needed to hear for so many reasons...with school/studying, exercising - I feel like I am dreading, forcing or dragging to do it. And this post totally re-energized me! Thanks so much for sharing...I'll be there soon, hopefully!

BikiniMe said...

Lovely, lovely post. Love it! Life is found in the living of it -- as I myself have been discovering. :)

MB said...

I'm so happy for you. After being out of work for almost 5 months now I'm finally starting to feel like myself again and I like it. ;)