Saturday, April 3, 2010

Having a Fit

I am having a major fit right now. There's a shop I like to go to for my nice local veggies and meats. I just got an email telling me they have started making fresh pies and chocolates. From scratch. Fresh. Local. Stuff in combinations I have never tried. Things I would, at any other time in my life, drop EVERYTHING for so I could race down there and buy it all so I could have a huge binge. That's the best kind of binge: new stuff. Stuff I KNOW I will like because of the ingredients. Stuff I have perhaps dreamed of but never had access to. "Special" stuff. I feel flushed writing about it. I wish it didn't affect me so, but it does, even *without* the physical cravings. I have to say I have not had a day like this in about a month, where I felt like I could just curl up in my room and sob because I want to binge so badly. I know it's hormones and stress, but that doesn't make it any less real.

I know I can't take "just one day off" with this plan. I CANNOT tell myself that "oh, I will go tomorrow and buy 3 pies and six pounds of candy and fudge and bring them home and hide them and eat them ALL BY MYSELF when the kids are in school on Monday, and oh I better get some hot dogs and Cheetos to go with that because I need savory to go with the sweet, and I better get Coke to go with the hot dogs, and maybe a cheesecake since I love cheesecake and won't be eating it again for awhile, and maybe some ice cream..." See, with calorie counting, I could do that. I KNOW it makes no sense but if I was 100% on target with my calories all week, I would get this idea in my head that it was JUST ONE DAY OFF even if I went on a 10,000 calorie binge (and I did) because, after all, I was counting calories and eating healthy ALL the rest of the time, all month long, so ONE DAY of not counting was not so bad, right?? So I could take my one day off and eat all those damn pies and candies and then smile and say "ah, I had ONE bad day, that's ok" and pretend it was no big deal.

But a 10k calorie binge is HUGE. It is a HUGE deal. And I cannot do that anymore. And on THIS plan in particular, I can't even justify ONE piece of pie or candy. Which makes it harder... and easier. On Medifast, if you eat a piece of pie it takes DAYS of carb withdrawal to get back on track. It can take a week to recover from one piece of pie. It is just NOT doable, not for me. I don't want to play games with Medifast. Besides which, as soon as I ate that one piece of pie, we all know exactly where I would be: back at the store for more pies and candy and all that other crap I would HAVE to binge on. I would be driven, and feel powerless to stop the runaway train that is a binge.

And so it is harder, not having *any* pie or candy, not even a taste. And so it is easier, not having to decide or battle in my head IF I will have a treat or how much or for how many days. I just can't have it, period. Not if I am going to stay on plan. And so I sat here looking at that email and knowing I couldn't have any of that stuff and feeling the most tremendous sense of loss, sadness, and aching that is humanly possible over a piece of FOOD. Yeah. I am an addict.

Yet there is a sense of relief along with the sadness. I feel upset, I am nearly in tears, I am ever-so-slightly angry that I ever even started this blog and went down this path instead of staying in my foggy world of binges where nothing could hurt me (what a crazy illusion THAT is), but I am also thankful that there is SOMETHING here to stop me from stepping onto that well-oiled downward path of self-destruction.

Writing has helped. I take back my power. If I want those candies and pies, I can have them, just like I could've bought myself some Easter candy this year. I CHOSE not to. And I am making the choice, as difficult as it is for me, NOT to eat those pies or candies. I am choosing a better life, because I can. I can in this moment, so I will. Because I am afraid the time may come when I *cannot* choose the healthy path, when my addiction takes over. I am terrified of that. So all I can do is make the choice now, when I am able. I hope I am always able. But it is such a strong pull, and ever so scary to me. I am always one bite away from a relapse.

33 comments:

Martine said...

Oh dear ! Firstly can I say, please do not be too hard on yourself, I understand your pain. Try and reward yourself with something non food related for the times you walk into that shop, look at the pies or whatever and buy your vegies and meat and walk out the door. Once you get the taste for it, that hard work will be undone. I have absolutely no doubt you can do it. Look what you have achieved so far ! Martine x

Martine said...

Oh dear ! Firstly can I say, please do not be too hard on yourself, I understand your pain. Try and reward yourself with something non food related for the times you walk into that shop, look at the pies or whatever and buy your vegies and meat and walk out the door. Once you get the taste for it, that hard work will be undone. I have absolutely no doubt you can do it. Look what you have achieved so far ! Martine x

Leslie said...

I'm so glad you wrote this, Lyn. You're in the throws of the tough stuff right now, but this too shall pass. You are stronger than the compulsion, as long as the food stays outside your body, and I know it will. So happy that you're facing this "fit", feeling it, and moving through it. True inspiration to me. Hang in there friend!

christina said...

That is a powerfula and wonderful post - I have been there with the binging and I too cannot go off plan because it turns into a 4 day binge... I cant handle that.

Write out your feeling and thoughts and when you have the urge again, re-ready your words. Also go back and read a super awesome post about how great you are feeling and how proud you are of you... that always helps me!

christina
http://last-weight-loss-journey.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Keep soldiering on! I'm so inspired by your perseverance.

Always remember that a piece of pie (no matter how delicious) will never "taste" as good as getting your body healthy and full of energy! Pie will always be there, but your time with your family is something far more precious :)

You're my hero!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen the series, "The Corner?" It is about a family living within a drug-drenched community in Baltimore. Drugs (specifically crack, weed and heroin) are always just a street corner away. It is fascinating to watch the struggles of the characters to overcome their addictions, particularly because the characters are all based on real people and events, people that a journalist followed closely for one year. Your struggle reminds me so much of their struggles. And yours is just as noble and beautiful. You are saving your life, for many excellent reasons as you have often noted. What is at stake is equally precious for you as for the addicts on the corner. You show readers here that the stakes are just as high and the required determination and effort to succeed us just as great. You are doing something really amazing. Thanks for sharing your experiences, strength and hope.

Autumnforest said...

When I get that monthly calling, I sit down and I say "in 10 minutes if you want it, go for it." In those 10 minutes, I open up my journal where I cried and ranted and raved every time I had a binge and then I sit and recall the times I was disgusted afterwards and then I recall that it's like a bad lover who comes and sweeps me up and then leaves and I never hear from him again. You can't have a long term relationship with that. Once the 10 minutes is up, I feel disgusted by chocolate.

Ms. PJ Geek said...

one moment at a time, girl. write it out. I sometimes think I should make posters to hang up in the kitchen to remind myself of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Right now you have done the hard work of coming off the carbs/ sugar and you are happy with your weight. Just geting to this weight might even be freaking you out a bit. Hang on there tight. You can always have it in the future when you are ready. And it usually is never as good as you think it will be.

401sue said...

I know this is selfish.....but, I want to see the picture "70 lbs gone" so please,not this time....for me and you :)

screwdestiny said...

In the words of L'Oreal: because you're worth it.

BrendaKaye said...

I don't know if this logic helps you or not, but I am eating what I want this weekend and I am miserable. MISERABLE. I wish I had done as good as you and would feel so much better if I had lost 15 lbs this last month. I feel gross, my clothes are tight, I am exhausted, and most importantly extremely defeated. So both is a struggle...but at least with your frustration you still have victory! And looser clothes! :) I hope to join you in healthier eating. You are doing so well. You can do it; we can do it!!

Mad Woman said...

I'm a new follower of yours, and I'm glad I came by. I don't even remember how I found you. This is such a powerful post, but it really shows that you know who you are and where you're at. Keep going :)

xx
Maggie
http://lookingforfeet.blogspot.com

Kyle Gershman said...

One of my earliest blog posts was a sarcastic post about the advantages of having a food allergy, specifically to walnuts. I love carrot cake, banana bread, chocolate brownies, etc. and most of the traditional recipes call for Walnuts. I just keep those things off my list. I used to ask if there were walnuts, but don't anymore. It is easier to acknowledge the allergy and let "it" do the deciding for me in those circumstances. There are many other foods where an allergy would make life easier.

He Took MY Last Name said...

First off. Delete that damn email. Delete it, then delete your trash. Thats it. Its gone. Secondly, its okay to feel like this.

Weight loss isnt easy. Its a mental and physical battle. When we stress, we soothe it with food. We are ADDICTED. Its a DISEASE and we will never be cured from it. We will always be in recovery. We are akin to alcoholics and crack addicts. Sad but true.

However, we can beat this. We can beat the symptoms. You can beat the triggers and the cravings. If you want sweet, eat your medifast pudding. If you want more sweets, do 10 minutes of exercise. Anything at all. Just put your mind into it for 10 full minutes, and see how you feel then.

Good luck. Don't give up. Don't look back. Keep moving forward. We are ROOTING for you. Show 'em what you're made of Momma! haha

Lyn said...

Thanks you guys. I am okay. I got through it. It felt like I was curled in a ball on my bed screaming in withdrawal (mentally) for about 10 or 15 minutes, and then I was okay. At least now I know I can get through those kinds of feelings without giving in. That was tough. Really.

Thank you for being here. This blog is my lifeline!

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I can totally identify this. I keep getting tons of emails from various places with their Easter goodies and I have gone through similar cycles- insane wishes to binge, then feeling guilty about wanting it and then just fighting the thought off.

I am not going to lie. Sometimes I go into the whole WHY ME mode. Like I am missing out why do I have to go without blahblahblah but then once the feeling starts to pass I realize YES ME, because the other people who are thinner and healthier didnt get to eat it how I did in the past, probably wouldnt want to eat it the way i did in the past.

I agree delete and get rid of that email. You are doing great. I am the same way. It would be so easy to take a bite, but I am NOT willing to mess up Medifast either. As you said, its not something I can just fix tomorrow- it could take a week, and would I fix it tomorrow if I chose that?
No. If not know, then WHEN?

((hugs))

Becca

Marshmallow said...

Heya Lyn... that shop, those pies, they will *always* be there. They're not going to go away any time soon. Do you think you'll really enjoy them if you take 'a day off' and then binge on them? If ever you feel like you *really* want them, they will be there. They're not going to run away and disappear on you, they'll always be there, waiting for a day when you will genuinely want them, and they will taste all the more awesome on that day.

You can continue to eat heathily and enjoy your veggies knowing that they'll be there when you really want them. You could delete the email, sure, though the knowledge *is* in your head and since they do sound yummy, I doubt that it'll be hard to 'forget' it. But hang in there, you know how good you've been feeling with eating the way you have been, and a 'moment of weakness' is not worth derailing the efforts you've made so far and the demoralisation that comes thereafter (IMO, *that* is more damaging than the calories).

You are strong, you've come so far. The pies will always be there, just like any other junk food that you've worked at resisting. They're in the same boat, and you've done awesomely at phasing those out of your life. This is just another item on that list to deal with. You can do it.

spunkysuzi said...

Acknowledging that you know you can't have even one is empowering!
And the strength you are showing is amazing. Have a great Easter.

Dinah Soar said...

Lyn--you can have those things "tomorrow". And honestly, as good as you think they will taste, they just won't taste that great.

I think those of us who have battled food cravings and addictions don't really taste our food when we eat it. When I began eating intuitively and ate all those things I'd told myself I shouldn't eat, well, they just didn't taste as great as I thought they would. Remember this--if you could eat them, if you decided to eat them, they would not live up to your expectation.

So...for now-- you don't eat them because you are on Medifast.

Later, when you are off Medifast and able to once again eat a variety of food, you will put these things in the 'eat once in awhile' category and once in awhile you will have a taste of all of them..not all at once but over a period of time.

You can have your cake and eat it too..just not all at once and just not right now.

It's no biggie--you are not missing one single thing. You will taste these new things you imagine to be wonderful--'tomorrow'. And for today 'taste and see' how good it feels to be making your escape from obesity.

Abi said...

What a powerful post! I'm a new follower and glad to have found you.

I went through treatment for a drug addiction many years ago, and one of the most valuable things I learned is that cravings last about 7 minutes, regardless of what they're for. I've found that if I can get out of my head for that long (take a shower, read a book, go fo a walk, WHATEVER) the craving eases. That's not to say it never comes back, but getting through them is so empowering! Like others have said, a moment at a time is all we need to do.

emmabovary said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. This post really describes your/my/every addict's mindframe. I understand each word, each emotion, each frustration and glorious strength you've outlined here.

Tony The Pink Panda said...

I admire your willpower Lyn. Really, great job. There will come a time though where perhaps you will be able to figure out how to incorporate those foods you really want into your diet. Now is not the time because you are kicking way too much ass!

Jennifer said...

Lyn-please do not feel alone. I think that you and I have been on Medifast about the same amount of time and I too have been having these same "fits". I call mine pity parties and for me they have been coming more and more lately. I want to badly to stay focused and stay on plan. And so far I have. And I am grateful for that. But I too said "if I can just take one day off". I did not for the same exact reasons you posted. It would take so long to get back into fat burn and giving in would negate all of these empowerment feelings I have been feeling from the success that I have achieved to this point. And you have achieved the same success. I am proud of us! Making the Easter baskets for the kids and not eating the candy was tough for me. But the worst for me was not eating the cheese fries at The Outback last night. I need to figure my way out of this "funk" and gt my mind back on track. I need to stop feeling sorry for me and like I am missing out. And I totally can relate with you because it not easy to figure out HOW. I actually posted on my blog this morning a similar post to yours. I opened it up and asked for suggestions from others to help me through this. I dont have nearly as many followers as you or the support that you seem to have but you are welcome to take a look and maybe someone will post something that will be something that hits home and sinks in.
So...please dont feel alone in your journey. We have come so far and have not given into our fits or pity parties and for that we need to be proud...

Jennifer

http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

So excitied for you! I love this post, it says a ton, and congrats on the great weigh in, that's fabulous!!!!

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

So excitied for you! I love this post, it says a ton, and congrats on the great weigh in, that's fabulous!!!!

mbm1forever said...

Ahh Lyn, this is hard having these thoughts and constantly battling. I can only say that you are worth so much more than a pie. A pie is just a pie. You are special and have a gift. Keep on keeping on.

Anonymous said...

"I am choosing a better life, because I can. I can in this moment, so I will."

SO WILL I!

Thanks for this!
Talk about taking back power!

I'll be head-quoting you quite a bit today as I deal with my own issues! That's part of your gift I thought of when I read mb1forever's post.

Marie

medifastgirl said...

I took "just one day off" and it has taken me the entire month of March to get back on track. Stay strong... I totally understand!

Jocelyn - Henry's Mommy said...

Lyn - I can totally relate. I am a food addict, too. I left a comment last week, and I already mentioned this, but I'm really proud of myself, so I'll say it again...I lost over 70 pounds with Medifast! I have been overweight (mostly obese) my entire adult life. At 41, this is the first time I'm a normal size since middle school. It feels AMAZING!! I'm sure eating pie would feel good in the moment, but the feelings afterward would not be worth it. You'd probably feel guilt, remorse, shame, failure. It's not worth it. By not eating the pie, you probably feel empowerment, success, strength, pride. Even though I've lost the weight, and even though I'm a size 8 (can I get a HOORAY?), I still walk a slippery slope with my food addiction. I have to keep reminding myself how good it feels to hear the compliments, put on the NORMAL sized clothes, pass my reflection in the mirror and see my new self, feel younger, run with my 4-year-old, and most importantly, LIKE MYSELF. A piece of pie won't do that. Stay strong!

Shan said...

*applauds*

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn. You are a mirror image of myself. In your journey, I see me. I heard something the other day that might help with the binge mentalitly.

BINGE

B-Believing
I-I'm
N-Not
G-Good
E-Enough

And we are good enough and worth not hurting ourselves with a binge.

Keep up the great on program path. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Hugs,
Linda

happyfunpants said...

Wow, do I know what you went through...and to be honest, I think it'd be pretty darn hard to escape the idea that there are NEW. FOODS. TO. EAT. RIGHT. NOW. especially at your favorite place!

I don't really know how you talked yourself out of it, but I give you all the kudos in the world. In my frame of mind right now, I'm not sure I could've done it.

So basically, YAY YOU!

anne h said...

Hiya friend Lyn -
It's that darn little purple-faced Oopma-Loopma girl that keeps wanting to have a FIT!
Don't listen to her - it's just a trick of the ego.
Easy to say from the comfort of my living room chair, eh?
If the cravings could be completely satisfied by eating, that would be a good answer. But they never are.
That's why it's a trick!
♡ to you!