Sunday, April 18, 2010

Blessings and Weight

This morning marks week 7 on Medifast for me. And I am down another pound to 216. If you want to know how I feel about that, read last week's weigh-in post, because I feel about the same, little voices included.

***except...***

Yesterday when I weighed in at 217 for the umpteenth time this month, and started thinking about how slow the weight loss has been in April and how *absolutely on plan* I have been, I smiled. I was happy. I was at peace with the number and what I am doing, because it is no longer a race or a scale-driven emotional roller coaster ride I am on. It is *life.* And life has been very good, so why on earth should a bit of a plateau in my weight change that? Is life suddenly *not good* because of some arbitrary number I saw yesterday?

No.

I had a wonderful day yesterday baking a wonderful, rich chocolate cake from scratch for my son, as I have done for the previous 17 years. As the warm aroma wafted from the oven, I smiled while I beat the shiny dark brown frosting in a bowl with my little girl on a stool by my side. I gave her one beater to lick, and put the other in the sink. I washed out the batter bowls without tasting. I didn't have any desire to taste. None. My heart was just singing because I was making something lovely for my darling boy, who it seems just yesterday was laid in my arms after seven hours of labor. He was an answer to prayers... a miracle, after a lost baby, an unpleasant surgery, and a bad infection that the doctors said left me scarred and possibly unable to have more children. When I was pregnant again I was beyond thrilled, until I went one day for my checkup and was told that my twin embryos were not viable; their growth had stopped and there were no heartbeats anymore. I went home and walked out to the barn, sat on the dirty hay-strewn floor with my head in my hands and cried. I cried my heart out for the baby I had lost before, the twins who were now gone, and the gaping hole that was left when I found out I was not going to be a mother again after all. For a week my heart lay shattered in pieces as I waited for the scheduled surgery to remove the twins and prevent another infection, but when I went to my appointment I just *could not* let it go. I begged for one more ultrasound to be sure. And there on the screen, one of the twins had tripled in size. There was a tiny flickering heartbeat. I was never more grateful, until the day that baby son was laid in my arms, eighteen years ago this week.

And he has remained a blessing in my life: always compassionate, helpful, kind. A wonderful son. We took a picture together out on the deck yesterday, in the sunshine with the big maple tree behind us. He towered over me, held his new skateboard, and smiled. When I caught a glimpse of the picture, I was momentarily surprised by how fat I looked. Just for a split second, my brain went, "ughhh!" But then I was overcome with joy. I love the picture of me and my miracle boy. I love it and I am going to frame it and hang it on the wall, because I am so filled with joy to have him.

This isn't really about weight as much anymore. I mean, yes, I still have knee problems that NEED to be addressed and that includes losing weight. That is happening. I am working on my body. But I am not working on it in the same mindset anymore. The weight loss effort is not *my life* anymore (as it had become); it is just part of a much bigger picture: a rich, blessed life that I want to enjoy for many decades to come, with the people I love.

I am glad I lost a pound and I am excited to be nearing a new low on this journey. But I am more excited that I have the energy and focus to be *involved* in my life. I am more excited that I have a clean kitchen than I am about that pound. I'd say the clean kitchen is the bigger accomplishment this week... not because I haven't had a clean kitchen in awhile... I have. It hasn't been a continuous wreck or anything. But for years I have been SO exhausted at the end of each day that the dinner dishes quite often ended up left in the sink and on the counters to be dealt with in the morning or maybe even the *next* day, because it was just *too much* for me to handle. But all this week, I found myself cheerfully cleaning up the kitchen every evening so that I awoke to a fresh clean space every morning. Even yesterday when I made a cake, frosting, a cauliflower pizza for myself and a dozen calzones from scratch for my son and his friends, everything was clean at the end of the day. You couldn't even tell what was cooked in there. And that is a HUGE change for me... and one that I can easily maintain with the energy I have now. Life is becoming more orderly and therefore more enjoyable.

Count your blessings today. See what is good in your life. Remember that an uncooperative scale does NOT negate all the happy, wonderful, joyful things in your life. Just keep doing whatever it is that makes you healthier and let it happen... *while* you enjoy life.


*FTC-required disclosure: Medifast provided me with its products for my personal use for free. Medifast states an "average weight loss of up to 2 to 5 pounds a week."*

30 comments:

mbm1forever said...

Oh Lyn,
What a wonderful post. It really speaks to me. I have been on the QUEST to lose this weight as fast as possible. I am consumed by it and your post is a great reminder about what is important in life. Congratulations on this breakthrough. I know you are on the right path. You do have much to be thankful for and so do I.

Kyle Gershman said...

An amazing story...by the way, you were your son's miracle.

ShredFail said...

Great attitude!

Anonymous said...

I want to see the picture...please???

I kept reading and was expecting to see it at the bottom.

:-)

spunkysuzi said...

That is something i need to remind myself now and then!
Good for you on realizing that life and how you feel is way more important that anything the scale might say :)

ohiofarmgirl said...

yay for you...you are winning the battle that matters..the one in your mind....keep positive..keep moving...but most of call continue to count your blessings. You were truly blessed with your son!!!!
Praying that another pound becomes your victory this week! Dianntha

Rebekah said...

Lyn I am just so happy for you. I have noticed a huge change in my emotions as well being on MF, Actually Im visiting my sister out of country, she doesn't have a scale. Normally this would freak me out but I am just doing my thing, spending as much time with my sister as I can and enjoying spending time thinking about EVERYTHING other than food :)

Happy Birthday to your son!

Jennifer said...

It is so easy to get caught up by the numbers. It is awesome when you put that aside and think about how you are feeling in everyday life...even if there was no such thing as a scale!

Well done.

Jennifer
http://wecanlosethepounds.blogspot.com/

Rob Dyess said...

Sounds like to me that you have reached a really good place.... a place of gratitude and acceptance.

Thanks!!

WeighDownSouth.com

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

No pic this time, sorry! More pics when I reach 208... or maybe if I find a particularly interesting body shot of me to post, lol :)

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Change is good, change is good! I love ,just love the last senteance in like all your posts, you sum up everything so beauitfully!

Autumnforest said...

Oh my, we have a good deal in common. I had cervical cancer at 17 and didn't know if I could ever get pregnant. When I got pregnant with my son it was a very high risk pregnancy and every day I envisioned a little blonde-haired, brown-eyed boy and when he finally came by C-section after much distress, I looked at him and recognized him as the son I was allowed to have. I never tried to have more kids, but he was more than enough. He is the most extraordinary person I've ever known. Today, he turns 22. Small world, huh? You have so much to be proud of including your amazing weight loss.

Blubeari said...

Beautiful post. It is after all, about living life, not just losing weight.

Anonymous said...

Such a joy to hear your joy!
I remember looking down once at the body I detested, realizing it had given me the son I adored. I look back on that often, as the beginning of making sense and making peace with myself.
Just bought Savor and thank you for blogging about it. I rarely buy hardbacks but it's too good to wait for.
Marie

Lynn Haraldson-Bering said...

Lyn, I love the marked change in your writing tone the last seven weeks. So introspective, and you seem so much more at peace. Happy birthday to your son and happy birth day to you, mom.

Mishe@EatingJourney said...

Beautiful. It's amazing what is and isn't important in life. You're making and doing such amazing things. Now, if a scale could weigh the emotional baggage your losing...you'd be dropping it like crazy.

Keep up the amazing work.

i.e. you may want to have one day where you eat 'whatever' you want. ie eat more, have something naughty. It's good to mess w/ your metablosim a bit. That's what helped me get through the platuea. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

this is what i've been waiting to hear from someone, anyone, in the diet blog world...a rewarding life lived in which dieting is only a very small part of it

CJ said...

congratulations on the loss!

Steelers6 said...

Lyn, what a special, special story about your son. What a miracle that you insisted they check again.
Such a blessing. Wow. Chrissy

Amy said...

What an inspiring post. I felt so refreshed after reading it which isn't always the way after reading weight loss blogs. Not that they aren't (including yours) wonderful and challenging--it's just that *I* often feel that I need to do more, change more, etc.

After reading this I was challenged to count my blessings. Job well done!

SarahRachel said...

This left me teary. What a beautiful post and a healthy perspective. I'm rooting for you!!! =)

Dinah Soar said...

"why on earth should a bit of a plateau in my weight change that?"

I'm curious...how do you figure you are at a plateau? I didn't think losing a pound a week is a plateau. In fact the experts say not to lose more than 1-2 pounds a week.

Lyn said...

Dinah~

Because 1)I lost 0 pounds the first week of April, and 2)I weighed 217 pounds since April 10th... 8 days.

Not a long plateau, but sure can feel like it when you are 100% on plan.

Mary :: A Merry Life said...

This feels like EVERYTHING I've been thinking lately.

Thrice Blessed said...

Truly wonderful post, your story about your son, so glad he started growing, and so glad you had them do another ultrasound! Sometimes, the best thing we can do is refuse to let go of hope!

carla said...

I wish I could print this on a million little cards and hand them out to every one I see:

Remember that an uncooperative scale does NOT negate all the happy, wonderful, joyful things in your life.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you know this, but sometimes a reminder helps: weight loss is not linear. When you were losing 2-3 pounds a week, then you see that show up pretty regularly. When it changes to 2-3 pounds every other week, then you'll see that on the scale less often. Plus with all the new activity, your body is probably adding water and readjusting to make sure you have muscles in the right places. Do not panic.

Karen in Tennessee said...

Lyn, a beautiful story and a shock for me because I never knew your second child was originally a twin. I know you still feel the ache of that second baby, as well as the one lost before, but you have given birth to 5 wonderful children and blessed their lives a million times over!!!

Theresa said...

Beautiful thoughts Lyn. You're a wonderful mommy. ;)

I can relate to the losses being slower/smaller than many other peoples. We need to be happy measuring against ourselves don't we. Do we feel better? yes. Do we look better? yes. Are we mentally in a better place? yes?

I've weighed in for my first week and lost 4 pounds. I can't tell you how emotional it was to read "199" this morning. Thanks so much Lyn, your support is so appreciated and your blog is inspiring!

lynna said...

Cold chills running up and down my arms... you are speaking truth and it's beautiful.