Monday, March 15, 2010

What Happened?

*This is a monumental post for me. I can't even express the depth of emotion I had as I was writing it.*

Today is a pretty big deal. Today I stepped on the scale and saw: 224 pounds. I almost teared up. Do you know how long it has been since I saw 224 pounds on the scale? I will tell you. It was on December 15, 2008. Exactly 15 months ago. And in between... for those past 15 months... I have struggled up and down, up and down, over and over between 225 and 235, with one scary month where I got as high as 245. I've hit 225 a few times but never could get below it. And now I am 224, and it almost makes me cry.

It might seem ridiculous but this has been a very intense and difficult (at times) battle between me and my addiction for so long. Imagine counting calories almost every day for two and a half years. Working on weight almost every day for almost a thousand days and still not getting near your goal. It wears on a person. I understand why people give up. And it is an emotional battle, not just physical.

I am stressed. Saturday night my dryer stopped working with a load of wet stuff in it and another in the washer. My beloved 11-year-old mini-dog has developed bowel incontinence. He can't help it, it just "falls out" as he walks. Not pleasant to deal with. My teenaged son has been causing me a great deal of distress with school issues. And my daughter has decided over the last two days that she is *not* past the tantrum stage.

Normally all this would have my head swimming with thoughts of food. Food to calm, food to distract. I'd *have* to have it. I'd binge. Instead, I find myself sitting in the quiet of the early morning thinking about solutions. Sure, my mind races. I feel very anxious. I wonder how I will ever get through it all. But the whole binge thing is just not an option. That's one nice thing about a structured plan; no big choices. And the nice thing about eating low carb is that the binge monster seems to go on vacation. I keep wondering when it will come back, but it is nice to not have to deal with THAT on top of everything else.

This got me to thinking: how did I get to this place? "This place" meaning a regain and stiff plateau for the last year and a half. I mean, I had it figured out. I lost 64 pounds in less than a year. I was feeling great. See? <---read that link. Really. The pictures speak volumes.

How does one go from that, to a regain and 15-month plateau? Well, my recollection is one thing, but the facts are in stone. The facts are in writing, right here on my blog.

This morning I went back to the archives to find the *turning point*... the day or moment when I stopped losing weight and went from 214 pounds to the Great Plateau. And I found it. Here. <---read this link. Honestly. I forgot that I actually gained ELEVEN POUNDS in one week, going from 214 to 225. And here I have been ever since.

It continued. I binged. I never really got a grip after that. On September 5, 2008, I got down to 222 pounds, but I never got below that again. Never, until now... until this month... because I am confident that this IS the month I will not only get below 225 (which I have done today) but also get below 222. And that will be another incredible moment for me.

This has been so difficult. I see that I have spent a lot of time eating my stress. I didn't know what else to do with a failing marriage, chronically ill children, financial problems, cancer scares, and loneliness. I didn't *know.* I thought I couldn't cope. But now, I think I can.

Part of me begs in my head, "please god, please don't let this be another false start. Please let me really lose weight this time. Please don't let me flip out and binge." But the other part of me knows that those choices are mine; they are not fate or god or anything out of my reach. It is DIFFICULT but I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago. I can deal with things differently. I can get different results.

I begin this week full of hope, and even joy despite my stress. I'll talk with my son about his problems. I'll call the repairman to fix the dryer. I'll review with my daughter what a big girl she is and remind her to use her words. I'll clean up the dog poop when I see it. Because *crap* happens, but that doesn't mean I have to dwell on it all day. And I don't have to binge.

68 comments:

Barbara said...

WOW! That's what comes to mind. WOW!

Congrats on your loss. Congrats on making it past that milestone weight that has kept you feeling trapped for so long.

Congrats on your excellent attitude towards life in general. Your an inspiration, whether you know it or not.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Yay for 224! And a bigger YAY for learning how to cope without food!!!

It sure isn't easier to face things head-on and just deal with unpleasant stuff, but so rewarding when you realize you can make it through without food.

I struggle with the exact same issues...I'm so happy for you!

You should be very, very proud! :)

Andra said...

GOOD FOR YOU!

Lori said...

Bravo - you can do this. Print out this post and read and reread it whenever you want to sabotage yourself.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!

PaulaM

Paula Rodriguez said...

Very touching post Lynn. I can hear the strength and happiness in your post. Congratulations and yes, this is going to be your month and year.

No doubt.

Melissa said...

That is amazing! I'm so happy for you!! :)

Anonymous said...

life isnt always happy, but many of us (myself included) seem to get utterly crushed and struggle severely with the down times. (i blame fairy tales).
Life is mostly pretty regular; sometimes bland, lonely, and hard with delightful moments sprinkled in. But we dont have delightful moments every second of every day. Discipline is doing what sucks in the present to enjoy something in the future and coping is not letting the world swallow you whole.

You are doing great, I second the Bravo. Feel good today, you are climbing mountains.

Lauren said...

Your words about making the choice to conquer the monster really resonated with me. It's so easy to think of our issues as something inflicted upon us by an outside force; but as you point out, it is 100% in our control. I needed that reminder today. I've been struggling a little and feeling really frustrated that my efforts aren't paying off on the scale. I WILL reach my goal because I won't stop. The only way we can fail is by giving up, right??

Lauren said...

Also wanted to say that's EXACTLY how I felt when I reached 199. I woke my boyfriend up at 6 a.m. to celebrate with me. Such an amazing feeling! I know you'll be reaching that goal within the next few months, as well!

Everly said...

Congratulations! Be proud of yourself----take a moment to tell yourself that you are a very strong person for being so courageous in this battle with eating.

Kelly said...

Congratulations! I'm very happy for you. You can do it. Just each day make the commitment to yourself and to your kids that you will succeed and take the steps necessary. You have the power. :)

I can't wait to read about you hitting 210. You'll get there. You really will. Because you want it and you are in control.

Cortney said...

Congrats! That must feel wonderful to get back to that number :)

I have a question, which may be too personal and one you may have already answered. I haven't been reading your blog long- maybe 6 months? I can't remember- but I have noticed that way you write about your husband, your marriage his non-support of your weight loss, etc. And then when you linked back to these posts (which I had never read before) I got more backstory on the husband/marriage issue thing. Do you ever write about resolving those issues, or where you are with all of that? Because even from just reading a handful of entries you come across as being in a lot, a lot, of emotional anguish over it. I'm not saying you are, it just comes off that way in your writing to me. I understand if that is way too personal, but it just seems like a constant emotional drain/stressor that seems like it would be a block to your weight loss and focusing on doing good things for yourself... does that make sense? Feel free to totally ignore me if you think I'm out of line, or feel free to tell me I'm out of line. You may have already addressed this in another blog post but I hadn't read anything about it.

Lyn said...

Cortney~

you're right, it *is* a big issue. It is being dealt with, but it's not something I feel free to write about because it involves other people (my husband, mainly) who would most likely not want such personal things broadcast to others.

All I will really say is, I often go weeks or months without seeing him at all and those times are usually easier for me to lose weight.

M Pax said...

Wow! That is big, Lyn. Congratulations. Keep going. Can't wait to read about your next victory.

Lisa said...

congrats!

Liza said...

Thank you for reminding me that no matter what the obstacles, we can move forward in a healthy way. I constantly need that reminder personally. I am in complete awe of your strength and perseverance and self awareness and you are truly inspiring to me and I'm sure MANY others! Congrats and keep up the GREAT work!!

Debbie said...

You are doing so good. You are an inspiration to me. I am working toward seeing anything below 250 right now. Yeahhhhhh for you..

Knitty said...

Congrats, I'm so pleased for you. :)

My little dog has the same problem so I've been using doggie diapers with her. It's not ideal, changing diapers for a DOG, but it's better than having it on the floor, stepped on, etc.

-J.Darling said...

It sounds like you've finally internalized the "I Can". AWESOME! Instead of "I can't" or "I just need to cope w/ the way things are", you've found "If it doesn't work, I CAN CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR and possibly change the outcome," and that's an amazing place to be!

For me, the carb binging will go on unchecked all day if I start the day w/ a poor eating decision. But once I make that first decision (at 5am) to start my day on the right foot, I can keep the momentum going towards my goal all day long. :) And what is a long term goal but an accumumlation of "days" of positive choices?

WAY TO GO! Discovering the "I Can" opens up a world for you! :)

Kristen said...

YAY for you! I came across this blog randomly and plan on reading some back issues and adding you to my google reader. You have accomplished so much, and, as someone who is trying to break out of a year-long plateau myself, I know how incredibly hard this part of the struggle is.

It's so easy in the beginning, when the weight is falling off and the stars are aligned to make weight loss your number one priority. However, the hard part comes later, when you're midway through your journey and everything comes to a grinding halt for seemingly no reason. Then life gets in the way and it all becomes overwhelming.

You are an inspiration and this is EXACTLY what I needed to read today. =)

Dinah Soar said...

Yes Lyn, crap happens to all of us..none of us escape...in truth the only way out is death (and tragically there are people who commit suicide to get out) ...resolve one issue and 3 more crop up. Your situation is not unique or harder than the next guy's..we are all in the same boat trying to stay afloat lest we go under . Our response is what makes the difference. The sun melts butter but it hardens clay. How we respond to our trials is determined by us.

Diana said...

First, congratulations! Second, what a thought-provoking and wonderful post.

We can all relate to this, your struggles and your successes. As you said, it's all in your hands now.

I have a feeling this is the time for you Lyn, the time when you'll get to goal and not go back. I think you may have figured it out.
And honestly, it has nothing to do with MediFast and everything to do with YOU.

Jenn said...

Lyn, congratulations on hitting a milestone weight - I'm sure there are more coming in your future!
I can certainly relate to your thoughts on struggling with weight issues for a very, very long time. It is frustrating, and confusing - how can an intelligent woman like me have such a problem with food?
But - as the saying goes, it is what it is! You did not give up, and that is the MOST important thing.

Rebekah said...

Way to go Lyn! It sounds like you have changed that internal dialogue so much!
You actually sound like one of the examples in a cognitive therapy weight loss book! Rock on girl!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. I find so much encourage in your honesty!!!

Laura said...

Congratulations on the weight loss. You're honesty is enlightening amd I appreciate it having been in so many of those same places in the last few months. You aren't alone!

Kyle Gershman said...

You have really turned the corner...congratulations! And it isn't because of the 224 which is awesome...it is because you don't need to beg that it'll be a permanent change...you already know that it is you and you alone that'll keep yourself going.

Bravo!

whyweight said...

Your entry was so inspiring I am now reading back even further. I like your blog and am joining up so I can read you.
http://whyweight-journey.blogspot.com/

screwdestiny said...

Good for you!

lindalou said...

Congrats on your hard work!!
Made the cauliflower pizza tonight...LOVED IT!! THX for that and all your good food ideas.
So hard to think of exciting things to make that are healthy.

Karen in Tennessee said...

Lyn,

How awesome that you are seeing 224 again!!! But I think the biggest accomplishment is that in all these months while you have struggled (and had some huge personal obstacles) you never just gave up! Most people (myself included) lose a large amount of weight and within a year its ALL back with some additional pounds!!!
You have continued to work through this...and shared your journey with all of us!!!! Thank you for always giving so much of yourself!

Stephanie said...

Yay Lyn, you're doing it! Congrats. You'll be seeing 199 sooner than you think, if you just stay with it and maintain your positive attitude. Don't fear that you're going to "lose" your momentum - failure is a choice and if you don't choose it, you won't have to worry about it. You're doing so great!

Becky said...

You are doing great! Many, many people have lost 100+ pounds on Medifast. There is NO reason in the world that you won't be one of those people if you stick to the plan. Again, you are doing great! Congratulations on your breakthrough.

seattlerunnergirl said...

"I thought I couldn't cope. But now, I think I can."

Lyn, those words speak volumes. I know you can cope without binging. I know I can, too.

Keep it up!

Diz said...

I don't think I've ever posted a comment on your blog today- but I must say that I was really touched by the hope I heard in this post. You CAN do it! It's these little moments like this that keep us going, and help us to see the success. It seriously is step by step, every day. I started to learn this about 2 weeks ago and it literally blows my mind how powerful, yet simple it really is. Line upon line, you will get there. Congratulations and good luck!

Sonogal said...

This is a great post. Thank you. You are such an inspiration.

MB said...

Congrats on breaking through that milestone.

Now it's time to zoom past 222 and beyond to your goal.

Kristen said...

Good for you, Lyn. You CAN keep going. Just one step at a time. You CAN.

Thrice Blessed said...

You are doing great in that you realize what has happened. I see similar patterns in my own behavior and I am really, truly, praying that I do not do that again myself.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Rachel said...

Congratulations on your milestone! Let those tears of joy flow and let them carry you downward past 224...222...220...

Dardrian said...

Congratulations on reaching one of your magic numbers. I'm certain you will continue to persevere. I'm so glad this plan is working for you.

Jennifer said...

Wow...this post again sounds just like something right out of my head. Like you wrote what I was thinking about my own life experiences when things get tough. We seem to have a lot in common and I would love to help support you along the way. You deserve this for yourself. It is so easy to get distracted by all the scary stuff life throws at you. And it is SCARY. I know this first hand as well. And instead of looking back with regrets you should give yourself credit that you didnt go all they way back up to your highest weight. That is an accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. Like me...when I got off track I gained 20 lbs back, but not ALL of my weight. And that is an accomplishment. Am I happy about the 20 lbs? nope, not at all, but it could have been 40 or even more. Hang in there and be strong. I am proud to hear that you have a plan on how to "attack" each stressor. And reaching 224 is such an excellent mini goal. And you achieved it! Congrats to you! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Chibi Jeebs said...

Congrats! It sounds like you're in an excellent position to make this continue to work for you - your attitude is awesome and, as others have said, your determination shines through your words. :)

Claire said...

Fantastic post! Congratulations!

Can I just add that, if you let Him, God will be there to help you. He desires for all of us to be healthy and to take care of our temple. He has definitely helped me regain my motivation to lose weight. I check in with Him everyday. :)

spunkysuzi said...

I feel like jumping up and down while clapping my hands!! I'm so happy that you've stuck with this program and that it's working for you. I can't wait to see get to where you want to be.

Emma said...

Congratulations. You have no idea how much you inspire me every day.

Ice Queen said...

I wanted to cry, reading this. Good for you, holding firm against your urge to binge. And on your loss. You will reach that milestone then you will leave it solidly in the dust!

I'm sorry about your doggie. It is so hard to have a pet get to that point. I wish you and your kids and dog all the best. :D

CJ said...

In a few weeks that I have been following you I have seen you work hard to get here, regardless of all the "crap". I am so happy for you for reaching the milestone! Congratulations. Enjoy the feeling, you've earned it. Now see you on the other side of 220! ((hugs))

snoconegirl said...

wow ..yes wow is exactly the right word..good for you..iam proud of you..you will get to where you want to go because you have the confidence to do it..you have a wonderful week...kelli

TheLosingAmerican said...

It goes without saying that that is AMAZING....

But on a more personal note...THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME hope that I too can get past my 210lbs. comfort weight.

I NEEDED to read this post this morning and am SOOOOO SOOO glad that I didn't decide to wait until after lunch!!

As I was reading, one of my colleagues came up to me and said they had sausage, bacon, eggs, a FULL breakfast in the office kitchen if I wanted some. I would have said yes, but I was reading your blog and immediately said to myself, "NO! If Lyn can get beyond the comfort weight then dammit so can I!!! This is about ME making choices."

I ate my cereal...I feel great!!

Jessica said...

I almmost teared up for you too! cry if you want to, be so proud. This is a great day. Way to go!

Tammy said...

Fantastic post Lyn....I know you must feel amazing and humbled all at the same time. I'm so happy you're back to the place you were so long ago. My sticking point seems to be 230 lbs...and I have no clue why. Tenacity, perseverance, consistency....I'll get there one of these days...it's definitely a battle, that's for sure. But I'm positive it's one we will win. :)

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, Lyn! Wonderful post. I have my own number that I'm struggling to get past, so I completely get this. You can do this! (You ARE doing this!)
-Megan

edysdoll said...

First....Congrats on your weight loss!!! I stumbled across your page yesterday after looking for motivation to keep me going on my weight loss journey. I've currently lost 72 lbs from my heaviest ever since January 2008...kinda took a break after becoming pregnant in in June 2008..but now it's getting to the tough place to just keep going. Your blog has done just that..remotivated me to keep working toward my goal!!! I have went back and read many of the archives and I'll be honest...I cried through most of them..because I understand and feel your pain and know exactly how being obese feels. I want you to know that even if I dont always post...I will be here with you every step of the way....I weights are about the same..I started out at 282 lbs and now I'm at 210. Keep pushing girl!!!

Deniz said...

You are AMAZING!

And, what's more, all this good news is down to YOU and the hard work you've put in. That 'never give up' attitude has shone through in so many of your posts so while the MediFast may have got you back to a losing streak, going for it and sticking with it and NEVER giving in, despite the stresses you've had to cope with, is something to be very, very proud of.

Lynn, you are as ever a real inspiration.

JEM said...

I am so crazy happy for you! We are on a roll! :-)

Anonymous said...

An excellent achievement Lyn..not just the weight loss but the coming to terms with the choices you are making and not using food to comfort you through stressful times.

Congratulations! (Hope things calm down on the home front soon.)

DBDee

Anonymous said...

I love this post! Your courage gives me courage. I am cheering for you, and in wanting it for you, I feel more hope for myself. I don't feel so alone in my struggle. Your honesty is helping so many people. Thank you!!

Cortney said...

That makes sense :) Thanks for understanding where I was coming from with that question, I didn't want to pry but I haven't been reading long so I didn't know if you'd written about it elsewhere.

And most of all, again, congrats! I can't wait to be reading the post you put up when you break the 200's!

ShredFail said...

Congrats on your loss - congrats on not giving up and keeping it honest.

Judi said...

This the first time I am reading your blog (I can't recall how I got here!) and I want to tell you that this posting is so powerful and full of heart that I can't help but want to jump into your life and hug you! I'm rooting for you and sending you good vibes that you will continue on your chosen path!
You should be so proud of yourself. Hell, I don't even know you and I AM PROUD OF YOU!
Onward!
Judi

Sib said...

Thanks for your raw honesty. I fid your blogs extremely thought provoking. And congratulations on your achievements - physical, mental and emotional.

Salted with Shadows said...

Congratulations Lyn...amazing post, as always.

Shae said...

So Proud of you!!

Anonymous said...

hey lyn,

hope errythang is going well in your neck of the woods. have you considered joining a women's group or a church group/bible study? i think this would really help you to de-stress and add to your arsenal in combating your struggle w/ food (something i also deal w/ b/c of depression). hope you don't take offence to my suggestion, i just wouldn't want you to focus so much on this...

MargieAnne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

I love your last paragraph, I hear ya. I've been in a binge mode and I needed to hear those words. I bought two things today at Target by things I mean "food" that I have not had in over a year, I knew why I was buying it, when I would consume it and I did indulge but now, now I am going upstairs to chuck them, throw them out. I have the POWER. Thanks for the encouragement.