Sunday, March 7, 2010

Revelation, In Part

This is my second post today. If you want to see my weigh-in results for this week, scroll down.

I had an experience on Saturday that left me thinking about why I became modbidly obese in the first place, and how I am going to get out of this state of obesity. It's a little disjointed, but profound to me, so I wanted to share.

On Saturday, I was running errands right up to lunchtime, and on the way home I was famished! I felt like I could eat the house. While I was driving, my mind was racing. I thought, "I just want to eat a *!@#%&^ piece of chicken!" and I was aggravated because I didn't want to 'borrow' meat/calories from my dinner to eat for lunch. As I drove past McDonalds, I had a sobering realization. And it was this: a small... very small... part of me WANTS to be a Binge Eater. Part of me wants to go through the drive thru and get a Big Mac Meal and sit in the car and snarf it down and feel icky and greasy and gross, and then go to the grocery store and get a pint of Haagen Dasz, a bag of chips, some dip, Coke, cheese, Cheetos, hot dogs, buns, salami, a lemon pie, some cake, chocolate chip cookie dough, macaroni salad, a Snickers, a Twix, some Easter candy, and some Pizza Rolls and come home and eat ALL of it in one evening. Part of me still WANTS that.

Before, I would get those desires but they were in the form of cravings. At least I thought they were. I was *hungry* or I felt emotional or I was tired, and my mind would wander to those foods I craved and my mouth would water and I would start obsessing and couldn't get them out of my mind no matter how much lettuce I ate, and eventually I'd carry out the fantasy and go, almost shaking in anticipation, to buy all those things and inhale it all. And then I'd feel guilty and gross and worthless, and beat myself up with "why did I do it again? It's hopeless."

But Saturday, when I had those thoughts, they were NOT cravings. I had NO physical cravings, no watering mouth, no obsession, no sensation of being *driven* to actually do it. (I think this is because I am eating *so* low carb and low sugar that I just do not have cravings). This time it was a conscientious *thought* that part of me wants to BE THAT PERSON. Actually I was kind of shocked as I thought about it.

Why would I *want* to be a binge eater?
Why would I *like* feeling gross and icky on ANY level?
Why do I desire, on ANY level, to be fat? To fail? To disappear into my addiction?

Wow, very profound. I have never thought of it at this angle before. I always thought I just wanted the TASTE of the food but I did NOT WANT these behaviors at all. I always thought I was fighting with all my might against the binge eating. But now I think that only part of me wants to kick these habits and lose weight. Part of me actually does want to go back to being an out of control binge eater.

And the scary thing is, if I didn't have kids... and if it didn't affects my so profoundly physically... I think I would do it. Realizing this actually makes me want to cry. That there is some part of me so hurt, so wounded by *whatever* that it just wants to go away and hide under a mountain of junk food, and never come out.

This is something I'm going to have to delve deeper into.

45 comments:

Seren_Sighs said...

Part of me understands in a way.

Before I started to get healthy I was really sedentary and I had a terrible diet. I would sleep all day sometimes. In fact, when I was a teenager I used to take cough medicine to make me sleepy because for some reason I just wanted to sleep all day.

I am so much happier and healthier now and I love being active. But sometimes I still want to just sleep all day long. Just to really indulge in sleep and think of nothing else and be selfish and not have to do anything. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little lethargic from sitting too long I convince myself that I want to take a nap. It's like how you don't really want to eat something but you convince yourself you do? I do that with sleep.

It's pretty weird huh?

It's funny, a lot of kids do cough syrup to get high, well, I did cough syrup to make me sleepy so I could enjoy my "drug" of choice.

I've definitely gotten better but that's the person that I was before and sometimes it's hard to let that go. It's a habit I ingrained in myself and it's hard to stick to my new ones sometimes because they take more work, even if they feel better.

Autumnforest said...

Fantastic realizations--those are what makes permanent change where you can't go back and be "ignorant" again. It's biological to want fat and sugar--it's natural. If you had two bushes in your yard, one that grew oranges and one that grew doughnuts, you can imagine which bush would be picked clean. It's in everyone's nature. When you change a behavior, you feel a phantom limb situation which is what it sounds like you're feeling. I used to starve myself and eat sugar. When I was learning to regularly feed myself real food periodically throughout the day, I still would walk into the kitchen and view the chocolate and think "I must eat that." Then, I would stop and realize that was the old message in my head, the old habit. I'm just used to the routine. I wasn't actually in need of food or sugar boost. It didn't even sound good, but because it was there and it was the time of day I usually ate it (like the reaction you probably get going past Mickey D's) you stop and remember the old way you did it. We are creatures of habit. We drive the same route to work, we have the same cup of coffee at breakfast. You're just learning to substitute and you're feeling the phantom behavior. It just needs to be replaced with a new thing you always do instead of stopping at Mickey D's. I don't have any doubt this whole process for you is simply awakening. No longer zombie eating and doing things out of habit--but actually taking control and fashioning your life. With the process I'm going through, I made a poster of cut out pictures of my goals and play music that makes me want to dance and turned off the TV and bought a lot of teas to feel pampered and just generally spend my time in my head, not missing the old lifeless patterns, but becoming the new image of me. It sounds to me like you're awakening. Now, you can fashion yourself any way you want. Picture that woman you imagine yourself to be--what does she do when she drives past Mickey D's, what does she do with free time? What projects does she begin to refocus her life? It's really an exciting time, but like the phantom limb, you still feel the old habits. Eventually, it will be hard for you to imagine you had that reflex "sleep walking" sensation going past a fast food restaurant. I believe in you--you are leaps and bounds awake!

Anonymous said...

Amen. Amen!

I can relate so much. I am struggling a lot with that right now. I'm trying so hard to eat healthy, but I literally MISS binge eating, even though it makes me feel terrible. And I can't figure out why. Thanks for this realization. It is making me think.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog. Very brave of you, really, to put yourself "out there" like this. My situation is quite similar to yours, but I am 42 and have just been diagnosed with Rheumatiod Arthritis in the past six months. Constant excruciating pain, yes. The meds are hell. There are times when even opening my eyes is painful.

I have been an avid gardener for 20years, but have become so heavy and full of pain that I am giving it up, especially since my struggles to just maintain flower pots are ignored, for the most part, by my kids and husband who won't assist me in those things which give me joy - my gardening, in particular. No amount of begging, screaming, crying, or frustration is taken seriously by them.

So, I sit here, fat and feeling useless, dreading spring for the first time in my life because I won't be planting, harvesting, doing yard work, digging, or enjoying the outdoors as I used to.

I've gotten to the stage you were at a year ago - I'm tired of being fat, gross, and feeling useless. If I don't do something - anything - I'll be dead by 50, either from the obesity, or the meds I'm on, or the simple wasting away of my soul because the RA and the obesity are sucking the joy out of me slowly and surely.

Thank you for this blog. I'll be reading and cheering you on.

My Very Best To You.

~ C

jules said...

I want ot be fat - because then I don't have to face the world. I want to hide on my couch eating and watching TV because it makes all the ugly feelings go away and me feel comfortable (at least until the regretting part kicks in) I want to keep my eight, because then nobody expects anything from me - not my friends, not people at work. I have an excuse to not go out to bars/clubs/wherever where I have to be present and are being looked at. I want to be the fat, grumpy, depressed girl in the corner, because people leave me alone and don't come up and talk to me. I want to be fat - because then I have an excuse for not finding a partner... I want to be fat because then I won't feel exposed to the world.

Instead of writing this - I should rather list all the positive aspects of losing weight.

But I get you - being a binge eater *helps* at times. It calms you down - lets you drift away from feelings of guild/sadness/etc. There is a good reason for it.

Still, I do believe there are far more reasons for facing this eating-devil and actually enjoying life to the fullest, instead of just looking at it through the car-window at McD or the TV on my sofa...

Daisygirl said...

I had a similar epiphany when I realized I didn't know what to do to comfort myself when bingeing no longer provides comfort. I missed stuffing my face and having just a couple of minutes where I was feeling better. I truly do NOT want to go back to that place, but I understand completely the momentary desire for that familiar feeling.

Anonymous said...

I have the same feelings. It's the comfort that goes along with the binge eating I think we want. There's always a (perceived) pay-off to destructive behavior. While it's helpful to recognize this, it doesn't really make it any easier to overcome, I've found.

destinationathlete said...

*hugs*

I think we all have days where we realize something profound like this, and we don't know where to turn or what to do because feeling those feelings is so brand NEW and unusual.

Anonymous said...

If there were no health consequences, I truly believe I could eat all day long and be very happy and content. I love thinking about food, I love cooking it, I love going to restaurants, I love having a big bag of something like chips when I read or watch tv. I can see a commercial and instantly want whatever it is they are showing, and we all know they have a million food commercials on a day.

I've been working out religiously for months now and feeling hungry at some point every day to the point that I want to quit. I don't have any other vices, don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't gamble. Eating is my vice and when I think of having to watch what I eat for the rest of my life, or feeling guilty for eating something "bad" it depresses the hell out of me. And I had a great figure for decades, so it's not like I don't know the positives of that. Sigh.

PaulaM

skinnyhollie said...

I feel you. Totally.

See, I only got "uncomfortable" with my obesity when I topped out at 333 lbs. I couldn't tie my own shoes or polish my toenails. I was out of breath all the time, and my joints hurt.

But after I lost down to 270, I was comfortable again, and I really think that's why I stalled out. I started going out again, started the "starting over tomorrow" game, and stopped my healthy habits. Then the weight crept back on...

Bottom line that I have came up with is that with everything else I have going on, eating healthy and exercising is the last of my priorities! I get lazy with it! I hate to admit that in that one important aspect of my life that I am lazy as hell...

I guess in a way I'm like you, I have that little party of me that "likes" binging. That part is actually happy...

Kyle Gershman said...

Excellent topic. While there are many meanings to binge eating, for me it was a very tangible demonstration of my defect. It is escapist to declare yourself defective because you abdicate control over your behaviors. By binging, we give in to the notion that we have no control which is patently ludicrous. Even for a split second before we make the wrong choice, we have/had the opportunity to choose wisely.

For me, allowing the binge was a way to validate that I'm defective and out of control. I too always felt remorseful afterward, but before and during the binge somewhat reveled in that binge as a testimony for my defect.

We, though, are not defective; just perhaps a bit weak to fully master our choices.

Additionally, for me, I had turned away from all that was good and enjoyable in life be defective, that I really didn't know who I was going to be if I ended up being "normal". When you get used to a persona, even a bad one, it can get shockingly comfortable.

Nobody likes to keep asking the question "Who am i?"

Kyle
Getting Better and Better

Dinah Soar said...

Lyn--do you think the time in your life when you were so destitute you could barely afford anything affected you so profoundly that now that you can buy what you wish, denying yourself that 'privilege' is unbearable?

I have discovered in my life, that the lean times,the bad times do not last forever..and that there is always 'more' down the road. Realizing this has helped me to let go of that which I had my fists so tightly clenched around.

Believe and trust that there will be provisions in the future just as there are today. Being able to believe and trust will help you get past the fear you have of future want. I think it is the fear of future want that is a huge issue in your life.

The Countess of Nassau County said...

Have you worked with an addiction specialist or a program like overeaters anonymous? Either might be able to help you get your arms around the source of your motivation.

Fat Jeans said...

I completely understand what you are saying. I hope I can get to a point where those cravings aren't around.

Stephanie said...

Lyn - Thanks for your post. As an alcoholic and drug addict in recovery, I can totally relate. There will probably always be a part of me that wants to say "f-it all" and stay drunk, high AND fat. Another part of me is desperate to be different and feel good about myself - she is in the winning position right now. This week - well, today, anyway! Binge eating, drugs, alcohol, gambling, cutting - these are all ways that we can damage and destroy ourselves, and numb ourselves to reality. But I am finding out, and you are, too, that reality is NOT something we need to hide from when we are doing good things for ourselves.

I loved what Kyle G. said, too - great post and very "on point." We are not defective, no matter what the addiction, and we all have a very real chance to recover, if we make a different choice. Nobody can help us, not even God, if we don't make a different choice.

Congrats of the weight loss. It's six pounds less of ya, so be thrilled and keep going!

redballoon said...

Lyn,
Is it any wonder after all you went through as a child and then in later years as well?
It all comes back to hating yourself because you never really learned to love yourself and like Kyle says, the overeating, the bingeing is a way of saying "see, i told you so. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything else." Well, that's the way I see it. I do the same, though to a lesser degree. I do it in other areas of my life. I don't utilize my talents but for a fraction. i still feel undeserving.
But, you know, this is changing. I am recently having revelations brought about my hitting rock bottom in my life. It is weird but for once in my life i am starting to feel the right, yes, the right, to say, "I don't like this. I want better. I deserve better" and then go out and get that for MYSELF. Not wait for someone to come along and recognize me but for me to recognize myself.
You will get there. The you that "wants to be a binge eater" still isn't really you. Don't confuse the feelings with the AUTHENTIC you. You will uncover her. Just keep at it!

The Phat Nanny said...

Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I call that part that WANTS all those things "my obesity." It's almost like a person. Or maybe more of a monster- a thing driven only by food and immediate gratification. My Obesity wants those things. But I do NOT have to give into My Obesity. Well...not today anyway...

Anonymous said...

I completely understand what you're talking about. My biggest struggle with my current efforts to lose weight is that I struggled with anorexia as a teen. I both *want* to binge and experience that comfort and *want* to starve myself to feel the energy, euphoria, and pleasure I experience when I'm not eating. Both are self-defeating behaviors that will end in misery, but even knowing that, I want those short-term benefits.

If there wasn't a pay-off for these behaviors, we wouldn't do them.

Body By Pizza said...

Very profound. I can identify with this in many ways. For me, it goes back to self-abuse and masochism. I have been beaten down so many times that it's almost comforting and normal to continue the cycle, be it with food, thoughts, or otherwise.

Jessica said...

The way you think about bingeing is the exact way I felt about alcohol.

Can I recommend a book to you? Rational Recovery, by Jack Trimpey. This is the method I used to quit drinking 4 years ago.

It's not about admitting powerlessness, but instead recognizing the ambivalence (or two ways) you feel toward an addiction. As in, part of you WANTS to stop bingeing, but the other part of you WANTS to binge whenever you want.

Jessica said...

Sorry, here's the Rational Recovery Web site: www.rational.org.

Go there and click on the "Crash Course on AVRT" link on the right if you're interested.

Lyn said...

Anonymous (C)~

Please do not give up! Please know that you can change your life, bit by bit! It is SO hard, but little steps really do add up. Keep trying until you find your path. You are worth it and you can have joy in your life again.

Dinah~

Yes, I do think that is part of it. I am consciously working on letting go of the desire to buy stuff, eat stuff, save stuff *just in case* and I am getting better, a little at a time.

Countess~

I went to OA in person years ago and was not comfortable with it. More recently I started attending OA meetings online and found some things helpful, but other things not so helpful. I refuse to believe I am powerless in this battle, and accepting one's powerlessness is a big part of OA... one I do not embrace. But I do like other things about it.

I have not been able to find a counselor locally who has any semblance of a clue about eating disorders. I blogged about how I spend days calling, emailing, searching, back some time ago. No dice. But I have spent time with 'regular' counselors (several years ago).

Lyn said...

Jessica~

Thank you! I will definitely check that out!

Everyone~

Your insights are PRICELESS to me. Some of the things you are saying are so illuminating to me as I try to figure this out. Thank you!

Pamela said...

Yes! I understand, too, Lyn. You're not alone!

Ms. PJ Geek said...

I think of that part of me that wants to binge still as "Fay" my food addict..she came from a childhood of pain / fear / neglect and provided immediate comfort. Since I remember climbing out of the crib to binge on cookies and cereal I know this was an intrenched mechanism from a very early age. So no wonder It's my GO TO feeling immediately at any sign of distress or boredom or fear. I have to do a lot of inner talking (much like your previous entry) to get myself to follow a healthy eating plan and to make alternatives to binges. But I admit just as I imagine what I would do were I to win the lottery I also imagine what I would do if I could binge with no consequences.

Margie M. said...

I'm here to tell you that I STILL want to eat and eat and eat. There is just something about the lure of eating wonderful, decadent greasy, sugary food that I love. I've lost the weight, and will keep it off, but I STILL WANT TO EAT THAT FOOD!!!!! I think about stuff like that and still plan for it sometimes, although in moderation. However, I know that in a heartbeat I could be right back where I started from. It will never end.

Margie M. writes at:
www.myhealthylivingthruweightcontrol.blgspot.com

Hallie said...

I know what you mean about this. I have thought about it and this is what I think - it is what makes us addicts. Whether we're acutely aware of it or not, eating like that makes us feel good - full - comforted - whatever it is - on a deep level physically and psychologically. Our bodies know this and so it is something it returns to wanting to do for itself, for those pleasurable results. I still can remember the way overindulging feels good to the body - I even did it this weekend and I noticed that even as I felt icky and queasy in it, there was also the familiar good feeling. Maybe it's something to do with blood-sugar. And I'm always going to remember how good that feels. It must be what alcoholics and drug addicts feel, at leat sort of. I've been wondering if - after this winter of coffee-drinking - I have been developing that relationship with caffeine.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

All I can say is that I definitely know how you feel and have been there many times myself. At times I have felt a sick sort of envy when I think of someone just letting it go and all-out binging. It sounds so comforting in a weird way.

And then I think of the overwhelming sadness and despair I have felt when the binge is over and I'm back to realizing that I have done it AGAIN. I just need to stop and think how binging and being fat foced me to the sidelines of my own life for way too long.

Suddenly, the big binge just seems sad. Very, very sad.

Madeleine said...

Dont take this the wrong way

but most people do the things they do because they think/feel/believe they are unworthy - or they fear there own success, it's your sabotur and everything, absolutely every problem you have, every belief, everything stems directly from your childhood and your now inner child. Maybe if you delve into your childhood, events, your parents, relationships..You may find your answer

I really admire you by the way, I wish you nothing but succes and happiness!

Anonymous said...

I would start obsessing and couldn't get them out of my mind no matter how much lettuce I ate, and eventually I'd carry out the fantasy and go, almost shaking in anticipation, to buy all those things and inhale it all. And then I'd feel guilty and gross and worthless, and beat myself up with "why did I do it again? It's hopeless."


Y'see...I completely understand that - don't all fat people?

The things we crave do taste good. We ate them and became overweight, and now, we have to stop buying them,stop eating them...and deny them.

THAT IS HARD. I don't care what anyone says....denial long term is hard and I think we are bound to think "To hell with this dieting lark. I WANT that burger/doughnut/ice cream...I really want it but it is now denied to me...and I'd rather be fat and miserable than cut this stuff out of my life. I am giving up on the diet..."

However, we realise that if we give up on the diet we are also giving up on ourselves. Oooops..there it is again..."I am a weak, stupid person and I deserve to be fat and unhappy".

Is it a sort of chicken and egg situation. Did we eat junk because it tasted good...and only when we became blobby and fat did we begin to think of food as our comfort,our friend, the answer to all our problems?

Perhaps then we dig deeper and tell ourselves that eating junk food in large quantities is our way to smother things that didn't work out for us....disappointments and failings and mistreatment etc...

Junk food tastes good. There is no denying it..but we lost control altogether, hated ourselves for over-eating it for becoming fat and 'undesirable'...loathed what we saw in the mirror but decided it was "Me And Food Against The World"?

If I am honest with myself, I don't think I used food as a crutch initially. I was just plain greedy and stupid...and it became a way of life...which led to low self-esteem.

Once I became horribly fat and tried to deny myself the things that made me fat I made it all much more complicated in my head. My problem was that I didn't care too much along the way whilst I was enjoying the junk food. Then there came a day when I decided to take control, but in doing that I discovered this food had more of a pull on me than I realised.

I think it's the whole self-hatred coupled with denial thing that screws us up...and I think all 'dieters' say that when we are mentally strong we get over this urge to scoff bad stuff and become fat hermits again.

That's my take on it anyway. We are all made differently, but if life traumas - which every single on of us experience in one form or another - drive us to EAT and EAT, then wouldn't every troubled person become large?

I guess we all deal with those life cards differently and old habits die hard. When the going get's tough, we still see being able to gorge on bad stuff as a release.

I think knowing that, helps us remain strong. It would be easy to give up...but we are sick of following the path of least resistance - yes?

Lyn..it's a day by day thing I think. One day at a time. Every day we choose to make our bodies healthier we have to work on our resolve too. Thinking is good.

You are doing SO well. We CAN conquer our demons.

Best wishes

DBDee x x

Anonymous said...

Oh and PS:

Sorry for going on at length Lyn...but you do make me think :-)

DBDee x x

Anonymous said...

Oh and PS:

Sorry for going on at length Lyn...but you do make me think :-)

DBDee x x

Hanlie said...

Oh yes, I have realized the same thing about myself. There is a part of me that wants to binge, smoke and drink coffee. I don't really "get it" yet, but I will definitely explore it... Interesting topic!

Anonymous said...

I have a slightly different perspective. I am overweight, but not terribly. 190 and 5'8" This is the highest I've been in 8 years. I topped out at 205 back then. I feel good around 170. I have lived a charmed life, healthy childhood, loving parents, siblings and husband, good job, great self esteem. But I still want to binge and eat and binge and eat. I love McDonalds, I love donuts, I love chips. It's hard for me to get this under control because yes, I want it. But I want it for no other reason than it tastes good and it's easy. I'm not hurt, or injured or unworthy. I just want to eat. All the time. It's really hard. Because you're right, if not for family and health, I'd probably balloon to 400 pounds. Easily.

Sarah said...

Your post and all the comments are so good. I just read somewhere that some of us have a higher bliss factor to sugar. Maybe some of us have a higher bliss factor to salt,fat and sugar together. Even when we feel out of the "fog" we don't easily forget the feeling and taste that accompanies the junk. I struggled my whole life with my weight even when looking back, I didn't need to. I think many of have experienced that. But there came a point when I wanted to not have to think about my food as my enemy and the constant feeling that certain foods were not for me. I went on one huge binge for years. I ate what ever I felt like when ever I felt like it and that is how I ended up at my highest weight ever. I still battle that part of me that wants to just not worry. The problem is we all know the feeling we have about our body when we let that side of us take over. I have a friend that I talk to about this and we have had the same struggles. She always says she just wants to get to X weight so she can stop thinking about dieting. The problem is I don't think we can ever be that person and be healthy.

Tammy said...

I had the same revelation a couple of weeks ago....which led to about a 3 hour crying session. And I didn't tell anyone about it. Scary shit.

Anonymous said...

i occasionally have similiar feelings...where i want to WANT to eat, even though i'm not hungry. it is such a comforting feeling to snuggle up on the sofa and eat chocolate and when i have time to snuggle up and i don't want to eat it feels strange. i still don't know exactly what else to do to change those feelings; to find something else that will make me feel as warm,cozy and familiar. i think if i can replace the feelings associated with "comfort" (which for me are snuggling on the sofa watching a good movie, reading a book in bed and relaxing in the tub....these are all things i feel uncomfortable doing without the snacking that used to go along) then i can work toward a life where food isn't directly tied to a feeling good..

RedHead said...

I 100% know exactly what you're talking about and feel the same exact way. I totally understand- it's crazy to read your words sometimes and think "I think THE SAME things!" I feel that my binge eating was because I felt so horrible and miserable about my weight and was so depressed that when I would binge eat, my body would match my emotions. The bad food that I was eating made me feel so sick and gross and disgusting, and it matched my emotions so I liked it. Eat bad- feel bad. Again and again and again. I too don't know how to get over that "Binge" feeling. I do think sometimes of going through a drive through and getting my bad food again because some nights I feel so bad....Problem is that now I know that the food wasn't "fixing" the problem. Just making it worse. But those tendencies still arise quite frequently. If you find the magic answer-cure, you let me know! Until then, keep up the good work on your program! Week one is OVER!

TheLosingAmerican said...

I am Sooo glad that you posted this!!! Because I feel the same as well!!!!!!

I think that IS one of the reasons why I can't get below 200lbs...because sometimes I just want to stay the way I am.

I think this is because this is what's COMFORTABLE for me. And, let's face it, we, as humans, love being in our comfort zone (to a certain extent).

I am also certain that the 'attention' I'm afraid of getting when I lose weight also has a part to play...it makes me nervous and even 'scared' sometimes.

Sometimes when I do really well with my weight and I see a big drop in the scale, I actually start getting NERVOUS...yes, nervous.

I feel you....100%

Beth said...

I will freely admit that I'd love to continue being an overeater. I only limit what I eat so that I can lose weight and not hurt. That's just the truth.

Denise said...

I completely understand the conflict you describe and sometimes I decide that I don't need the binge and some days I just give in and feel awful later. I think some part of me wants to feel awful so that I can justify the terrible way I take care (or not) of myself...but why food? What was it that makes me feel comforted in the midst of a binge? Don't know and I fear that, until I figure this out, I will never really be able to lead a healthy life.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if *all* obese people binge, and that is why they are obese? Or do some people just eat "a little" too much every meal?

I know there are skinny people who binge, but they seem to restrict cals afterwards to avoid the gain.

Cat said...

I totally get that. I really don't feel that guilty when I binge, just a little sick and a lot more hoplessly fat. That crap tastes good, at least for a couple of bites. And there's a certain freedom in feeling like since you are fat anyway, you can eat whatever you want without making it that much worse. It's tough.

All Women Stalker said...

I can see where you're coming from on this and my heart goes out to you. I hope you'll find clarity and reassurance real soon. We're here to cheer you on.

Anonymous said...

I can totally identify with this post. I am on MF also. I have lost 30 lbs, with about 30 to go. Easter is a hard time of the year for me, diet-wise, because this has always been my favorite candy "season." Peeps, Cadbury eggs, malted milkball eggs, stuff you can't get other parts of the year...
I realized the other day (when I was in the grocery store)that some weird part of me WANTS to be a binge eater, just like you were talking about. I was staring at donuts (not anything I really ever buy) and I thought "I could buy 3 or 4 of these and eat them in the car before I go home to make supper for my boyfriend." I thought the same thing as I almost picked up bags of Easter candy. It wasn't something I logically decided to do-- it was like a compulsion. I thought "I can't wait to be done with MF so I can eat chocolate (as in, like a whole bag (or more.))When I realized what I really was thinking, I knew that was obsurd. Why the hell are you fat Sarah? Because I binge. And I like it. And I hide it. And its not often, but often enough. *epiphany* Some part of me is sabotaging me, wanting to binge.
Thank you for this post, so I can remember that crucial thought- and for making me feel that I am not alone.
I resisted the urge. I didn't do it. I'm so glad you could too. Good luck!