Monday, March 8, 2010

Food as a Pleasure Source

I'm feeling kind of emotionally flatlined today for whatever reason. Tired, kind of antsy in a way, a little irritable. Maybe because I am mid-cycle and the hormones are screwy. I have been quite hungry today and yesterday, too. I still have no cravings, but my stomach's been growling a little. Maybe that means I am dropping a couple more pounds. And I think the seriousness of this whole eating thing (and the problem of part of me still wanting to binge) has settled in my mind. I find myself thinking about it a lot.

The other day I was at a little girl's birthday party that involved a lot of food, including pizza. Pizza was always one of my big trigger foods for bingeing. It's one of my favorite things. I used to eat pizza as often as possible and often binged on those mini frozen ones. I would buy a couple of packs of those Red Baron 3-meat French Bread pizzas and eat 3 or 4 of them in one sitting, dipped in Ranch. I am not eating pizza right now... not while I am on Medifast (although I can make something like a pizza with a vegetable crust for dinner something, but it really is not the same). Anyway, I ate right before I went to the party, so I was not hungry and in fact didn't really care about pizza or other food. But when I was there, and I saw the pizza, I had this really overwhelming sadness come over me. Not that I was craving it... I wasn't. But I actually felt a distinct sense of loss as I look at and smelled that pepperoni and mushroom pizza on the table. I actually felt like crying over a PIZZA. Not because I wanted it right then... or HAD to have it... or was battling the inner child in my head; I wasn't. I was OKAY. But there was that thought... WHY can't I just be like normal people and eat pizza? I looked around at people of all sizes enjoying their pizza. I thought about WHY my very fit and thin friend did not feel the way I do about pizza. She didn't care if she had a piece or not. She was happy. And I think she has probably never really obsessed about food in her life. And I thought, why? And I realized that she finds joy and pleasure in *other things.* She plays sports, she does crafts. She belongs to a book club and a mother's group and a church. She has a husband who comes home and spends time with her every night; they are friends. She has children (as do I) but she also has sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, in-laws, and parents who she regularly spends time with. She goes out almost every day and visits with friends. She goes on little weekend trips with her husband and kids... camping, visiting family, going on mini adventures. And with all that going on, I bet she has never even considered turning to FOOD the way I do. She enjoys her food but it is FOOD. Her life does not revolve around it.

And me, I am blessed with children who I love. But I don't belong to any groups, or clubs, or a church. I don't have a husband who spends time with me or wants to do anything with me. I don't have parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, or nephews. I don't have family except my kids and the relatives I see once every ten years because they live so far away. I don't play sports or do crafts. I don't go out often and visit with friends. I get out a couple times a year on little trips with my kids, but not as much as I used to. Is it any wonder that I have started using food as my primary source of pleasure?

I look at a pizza and I want to cry because without the pizza, how will I be happy? How can I go on without being able to eat the things that bring me so much pleasure? And is it fixable?

When I was a little girl with parents who loved me and a father who spent time with me, I didn't binge. When I was a teen with a great social network and lots of support, I wasn't overweight. When I had a husband that loved me... when I felt cherished and wanted... I didn't care about pizza. I started to turn to food for comfort when my marriage was falling apart, my husband moved me to a place where I knew no one, my father was gone, my mother estranged. When I was divorced and trying to get a hug from a carton of ice cream, I figured out that it didn't quite work that way but the ice cream was better than nothing. Even now, when I imagine that pizza I don't crave it but I WANT to eat it, I want that old familiar feeling of comfort and dare I say a 'connection' to the pizza. Would I rather have a husband sitting next to me holding my hand and talking or playing Scrabble or taking a walk? Oh yes. I would much rather have that than the pizza. I'd much rather have family to go visit. The pizza would *poof* out of my mind at warp speed if I had those things. And that tells me that this whole food thing... this binge eating thing... has a lot to do with the sense of loss in not having a marriage partner who loves me, and not having living parents or siblings. I feel disconnected because I don't have a family. But I do have my children, and I am so thankful for them. They are my family and I adore them. Teenagers are pretty distant, though, and don't want to hang with Mom so much anymore. So I spend a lot of time with my little girl... which is wonderful, but is also a one-way street of support (which is as it should be. I am there for her, for her to share her troubles with and lean on, not the other way around).

I was at this party for a couple of hours and in that time I was actually thinking about all of this as I played with the preschoolers and watched the pizzas go by. By the time we left, I had gone through the thought processes:

I want pizza.
I can HAVE pizza when I am done with Medifast. I will need to have veggie pizza with a thin wheat crust though, not pepperoni and mushroom.
I do not WANT dumb veggie healthy pizza, I want to eat THAT greasy pepperoni and mushroom pizza.
I could eat the toppings off and leave the crust to make it low carb.
I don't want to eat the toppings off, I want to eat pizza like a normal person.

And then I realized that THAT is the key. I can eat pizza *like a normal person.* A normal person does not binge and eat 8 slices in one sitting. A normal person does not eat greasy pizza 3 times a week. They might have a salad and one slice of pizza for dinner sometimes. ONE slice. Not eight. Not five. One. And if you eat ONE slice, you can have your pepperoni and mushroom and the crust and all of that.

The issue is, how do I make myself stop at one slice?

I need to find other pleasure sources in my life. That's for sure. And in the meantime I am just going to stay away from pepperoni and mushroom pizza, as much as I'd like to just dive in and eat ten thousand calories right now. I just can't be that person anymore.

49 comments:

dani31608 said...

I often have the same longing for "normalcy". I hate that my personal "normal" is a perpetual game of actions vs. consequences. I can't imagine how it feels to just be able to relax ... eat ... live.

seattlerunnergirl said...

Lyn I can so identify with this post. Something I have realized is that I DON'T want pizza like a normal person. I want pizza like a fat person obsessed with pizza! Eating 1 or 2 pieces of pizza, for me, is very difficult.

My solution has been to order pizza only when I am with others, which makes it easier for me to eat a reasonable amount and no go overboard. I agree with you that if you have one or two pieces with a nice big salad, you CAN eat the greasy, meaty, cheesy, crusty pizza and not kill your eating for the day.

I look forward to more posts as you work through this desire to continue binge eating. I know it's a struggle for me every day, too.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

I can totally relate to your "connection" with the pizza. For me, its a certain type of burger... and while I don't binge on them its almost impossible to resist when the opportunity to have one arises. The flavor & even the feeling of that particular burger in my mouth takes me back to a time & place when I had the love I long for in my life. Separating the two is hard... but I'm getting there.

Getting to the point where you can be satisfied with one piece of the pepperoni & mushroom and salad is an awesome goal! You will get there! :)

Enz said...

Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us, I am sure there are others in your situation who can't articulate or even know what they are feeling but can see themselves in your words.
Hugs.

My Lipstick Life said...

Ahh, I have been there - crying over food and feeling sorry for my attachment to it and the pleasure it brings me eating it. That's why my approach is "everything is moderation and in hunger". If I am physically hungry, okay. If not, I tell myself I can eat it next time I'm hungry. This helps. Keep your chin up, you're rawking this thing!

Leslie said...

You are getting a lot of insights Lyn. I can identify as always with what you say. The sadness of suspecting that maybe pizza can't be in my life for now. True sadness - anticipated loss. Wow! But your recognition that food is a main pleasure source is huge. Maybe over time you can begin to find some community in your life, wherever it may be.

Thanks so much for your honest sharing.

ohiofarmgirl said...

Maybe you could find a church group...a mops group...parents that help in schools....form a walking group of women...try to find someone....Blessings, Dianntha

Laura said...

I made the yummiest, healthy pizza last night, best tasting pizza EVER!

Steelers6 said...

Thanks for this post, Lyn, I read every word of course. As Enz mentions, it is useful to me to mull and think over what you seem to so easily put into words.

Good job on thinking things through. Chrissy

Megan said...

Great post. Two pieces of pizza. Someday you will. You are doing so great!
Hugs

Sarah said...

I usually lurk but this post touched me so so deeply. I want to give you a hug, and I also want to let you know I feel the same way about most everything you said.

spunkysuzi said...

I have to say that i'm one of those people that are out most days of the week! I have a loving hubby and wonderful kids. However, i am like you in that i don't have any close family left.
And yes sometimes the pull of a certain food almost makes me crazy with desire. Sometimes i give in to it and sometimes i don't. Wish i knew why and what to do about it but i haven't figured that out yet.
All i know is that i've been on a roller coaster up and down for way too long and i need to stop it.
I honestly don't think i know what normal is anymore.

Jessica said...

My God, you are reminding me so much of my journey with alcohol. I had such a long period of self-pity and jealousy of people who could "just have a couple of beers."

mommygonemilf said...

It's amazing how many ways food can be used to fill voids in our life, for coping mechanisms, pleasure, companionship. You don't even notice you're doing it when you're in the moment and internalizing. I guess that's why it becomes more obvious when we plan our food for nutrition only. It is such a wonderful epiphany that you are expressing the desire and longing to fill your life with new relationships and adventures instead. You are doing such great work!

Seth said...

Leaving pizza behind is hard in itself but severing the one relationship that you could always count on -- obviously, tears you up.

I do think that you can eat with moderation. I think during the weight loss process is when we learn the "how to" once we hit those levels of confidence.

Autumnforest said...

I understand. I felt that way about chocolate. Then, I thought that part of the attraction was the way I could sneak around and eat it. It was my little secret. If you find a different little obsession and secret, you can replace it. You just have to figure out what that is. For me, it became exercise. I'd do situps and pushups and weights while watching TV at night, two workouts during the day, and lots of heavy chores. It's become like my little naughty secret now to squirrel away exercise whenever and wherever I can. I used to think about the next chocolate, now I think about the next yoga poses.

Jenn North said...

Just wanted to say I love your blog! You are an inspiration in perseverance and compassion.

This post really struck me. Exchange "whiskey" for "pizza", and I could have written this post. The hardest part for me, something that I am just realizing now, is that I can't consume alcohol like other people. Even if I really want it to be that way. Even if I try really, really hard to stop at just one drink. No matter how bad I want to be able to go out for just 1 drink with a friend and then stop drinking for the rest of the night, it ain't happening.

What I can control, is whether or not to act on that urge. I don't see that as a weakness, I see it as a strength.

Dinah Soar said...

Lyn--it's highly likely that you could have a perfect husband, perfect life and still struggle with food. Food is a crutch that some of us use, by choice. It's better than drugs but probably as addicting and more socially acceptable.

I used to look at others and envy their life--until I finally realized their life was not that great...they had crosses to bear too. That old saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side' is so true. Hop over the fence and just see how green your own grass is.

Ms. PJ Geek said...

This was a very touching post. I've tried the strict abstinence-no sugar/ caffeine/ artificial sweetners. I've tried restrictions of certain foods. I didn't want to have Gastric bypass surgery for many reasons, but the main one is that I know me. I always will be abnormally attached to food, because I created that attachment as early as a toddler for comfort in a drama filled home.

As many of us, do I read a lot of blogs and we see a lot of people's version of a plan for them. I think we have to identify what is normal for us. Be flexible. Your normal today may change tomorrow. Somedays it means letting yourself have a salad and 2 slices of pizza.
Other days you know you can't stop at one or two slices, so pizza is out of the question. But you tell yourself you'll have it another day..exactly the way you want it ..no substitutions but in a reasonable amt.

Grace said...

Lyn - I appreciate your honesty, and I really enjoy reading your blog.

I will be honest in turn and say I really don't think there's a real "normal" out there. Everybody is fighting. It might not be with food, or with weight, or family, but there is most likely some aspect of their lives that they're struggling with, that they're fighting hard to change to fit their own preceptions of what constitutes normalcy.

Maybe in the end thats what "normal" really is- being ever-locked in that mostly frustrating and occasionally rewarding struggle to improve ourselves and our lives :).

Kyle Gershman said...

Wow...I can feel your pain as I share the same issues. I do know that I have binged when all things from an outsiders perspective seem perfect. A full life can be a good thing, but only if you can learn to take pleasure in the fullness of that life. Adding clubs, groups, churches, or even a loving husband will only be as effective as your own ability to take pleasure from all those things.

The first step to getting there is truly believe that you DESERVE to feel pleasure. You are WORTH that fullness of life.

Deep down, you need to believe your worth, believe your deserving of good things in life.

You are a passionate person...turn that passion to a passion of 'self'.

(((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Thank you for such an honest and heartfelt post.

The behavioral approach says that you can learn to have your trigger food in moderation, with practice and over time. That you are in control of your actions.

On the other hand, the disease model (OA) states you are powerless and cannot control your intake of trigger foods. Not ever, no matter what. Therefore, abstinence is the lifelong goal.

I am still working out my path with different triggers, but I lean towards a behavioral approach. I am curious how you will sort this all out as well. It is individual and no specific formula works for everyone.

Kind regards :)
So

Louise said...

FWIW, I can't stop at one slice either. And I'm fit and thin(ish). Because I know that I'm going to eat the whole thing, then I need to buy or make a small whole thing so it's only 1000 calories, not 10,000. And never more than once a week.

Fallon said...

Lyn, as always I am so impressed and inspired by your insight into yourself. I hope that with time I can learn to look within an identify my issues with the same clarity that you do. You will get where you want to be, I am positive.

MargieAnne said...

Hi I know this isn't the kind of pizza you are not eating but I thought you might like to tuck this idea away. We use tortillas or similar thin rounds with a tasty layer of tomato salsa and a sprinkle of cheese. It gives us all the flavours without the fats and huge calories. The base is lovely and crisp and crunchy so plenty of texture.

This does not address the use of food to fill the gap when we have lost and broken relationships. That is another issue altogether. Thanks again for your thought-filled post.

Kim said...

Ok, so I started writing a comment, but it got really long, so I turned it into a web post. Thanks for provoking so much thought in me. :) Here's the post if you want to look at it: http://savingmylife-kim.blogspot.com/2010/03/kimbo-wimbo-rebellious.html

emmabovary said...

It sounds like you are really identifying the sources for your weight problem which is another step in the direction you wish to be going (= weight--->dropping).

There is a belief--which I personally find sound--that solitude and isolation is at the root of over/binge-eating. This is why OA provides members with phone lists and a sponsor whom one can call anytime they get the "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) feelings which typically led to unhealthy eating patterns.

You say it very well in your post: when you were happily married and had a sense of connection/community, you did not practise the behaviors which lead to obesity. So that's key! Now the footwork begins to build up those connections and a circle you can lean into to replace the connection you once felt with the unhealthy foods.

Well done on putting these stepping stones into place...they can indeed lead you to where you dream of going.

Beth said...

I grapple with the same thought process. I don't like being "in time out" from things like pizza. I don't like that I want MORE of those foods than everyone else does. I don't like that food is more than just food to me.

Anonymous said...

there's an "idea" of pleasure that goes with binge foods that isn't actually pleasure, but addiction. after a while, it's possible to sincerely not want the pizza... not to convince yourself you don't, but sincerely be present/mindful when you eat, and realise that eating grease does not actually bring you pleasure at all. eating all those healthy foods does.
as your last two points imply -
at that point, the sense of loss isn't about the pizza. it's about losing a coping mechanism and realising that the 'pleasure' isn't available as a crutch any more. food becomes just... food. nothing something for your life to revolve around. very scary.

Anonymous said...

Great post, Lyn. Sounds like you're on the right track girl!

W-

Rina said...

Dunno. I have a full life and lots of people around me who love me. And I still WANT to binge, exactly like you wrote about. I don't want just one slice of pizza. I'm not sure the solution is having other interests and loved ones close by.

I love reading your thoughts. There is *always* some new insight for me. Thank you for doing this for all of us.

Losing Harry said...

Pizza is a trigger for am as well. I tried having salad before and that doesn't work for me. In the past, I ordered two larges so we could feast off of lest overs for a few days. But who was I kidding, the pizza that was not consumed that night, we consumed for breakfast the following morning. Now we have a salad because it's important...but we also order the size of pizza that fits our meal.

Anonymous said...

There are all kinds of "normal." It has taken me many years to recognize and accept that my husband's *normal* way of eating, and my children's *normal* eating, includes eating far more for breakfast than I should eat in an entire day (unless my goal is to be a hundred lbs overweight). These perfectly normal folks often eat a whole pizza each in one evening, then top it off with big bowls of ice cream. I won't even tell you what they eat for breakfast and lunch. None of them has ever been overweight! If they want to eat, ANYTHING, they can eat it and never think twice because they never feel deprived.

And you're absolutely right. It isn't "fair".

And it isn't fair that some people have physical and/or mental disabilities. It isn't fair that some people lose loved ones to horrible accidents or diseases at a very young age. It isn't fair that I was born in the U.S. to a middle class family while a billion of my fellow human beings were born in places where they will never be able to rise above extreme poverty--and thus they feel severe hunger from malnutrition almost every single day of their lives.

I guess I'm saying it is good to talk about all these things that you brought up, good to get them out in the open. It is so easy to focus on our own individual struggles and deprivations while convincing ourselves we have it harder than "normal" people.

I have known what it feels like to be hungry on a self-restricting food plan. I have known what it feels like to go without my favorite treats when I am on a tight budget. I have never known what it feels like to be hungry because I cannot afford to buy any food at all. I have never had to go hungry because I fed my children instead of myself.

It helps me to keep these things in perspective.

I love your blog. It inspires me to think about many things I would otherwise ignore.

Anonymous said...

Like so many of your readers,I also identified with this post. Until I turned 30 I was a normal weight. I had my 3rd child then and began to feel very alone and overwhelmed. My husband was distant and had little interest in family and home and even less interest in spending time with me. Food became my method of self-soothing. It brought pleasure to a rather desolate life. That "pleasure" ended up ultimately bringing so much pain, both physical and emotional. Only recently have I begun to see that it is up to me to take the steps to make my life so rich that food can once again assume it's normal role. I think that I was possessed with an inertia--even a type of laziness. It was so much easier to binge-eat than to find other sources of joy. Searching out nurturing friends, joining a reading group, creating a full and rich life take action and I was used to being extremely passive in my life. I'm trying very hard now to turn that around. Recently I read a book--The Happiness Project--that really spoke to me. The author spent a year examining her life, finding what she lacked and researching and implementing methods to make her life richer and more joyful. It takes hard work! So much more hard work than wolfing down a pizza. Finally, it is up to each of us to make our lives rich and rewarding. Only I can come to know how to make myself happy. I'm not entirely sure yet what it takes but I do know the answer doesn't lie in the fridge or at a drive-through window. Love your blog, Lyn, and thanks for your insights.

Lasserday said...

i can totally relate to this, too. i just wanted to point out something that jumped out at me, and reminded me of myself...

when you were talking about not having adults in your life and that that is part of what makes you sad and want to binge, you went on to say "I was at this party for a couple of hours and in that time I was actually thinking about all of this as I played with the preschoolers and watched the pizzas go by." and i was struck by the idea that you were at a party, presumably with other adults, and you spent the time connecting with the children. i can totally see myself at said party, not reaching out to develop relationships with the adults because it makes me nervous. anyway, not sure if this is on mark at all, but i thought i would throw it out to you. :)

LAF said...

I got a lot out of reading this post and the thought process that you took us through. Thanks for this insight.
Keep up the good work!

Lyn said...

Lasserday~

I actually thought about how that sounded too when I was writing this post! In fact, almost everyone at the party was under 16. It was kind of for their family... there were some grandparents there and aunts from out of town. The other 2 grownups were women who are already friends (the moms) and we were talking while we tended to the group of kids. I actually do have friends (a few... mostly moms... they are 2 of them) that I see almost every week since our kids are in classes together. I enjoy those friendships. I'm going to try and cultivate more!

Anonymous said...

A really interesting post Lyn...and many, many really thought-provoking replies too. Lots to think about.
I don't know about anyone else, but your description of those pepperoni and mushroom pizzas had me salivating! Pavlov's dog or what?

As others have said, my life is fairly rich, and by choice I have sedentary pleasures...reading, writing, painting, photography..I enjoyed sports when I was younger but hate gyms and all that getting there/ changing /getting wet/showering malarkey. A home gym might motivate me - it might not.
I think my desire to sooth myself with food is just a bad habit, or learned behaviour. What lights up my life? Food. Food is like the punctuation mark between all activites. Time on the PC - food. Go to the shops, unpack the shopping - food. Drive son to work, get through rush hour traffic, home - food. Feed cat, put dishes in dishwasher, coffee - food.

I don't think I need any more people to enrich my life, nor do I see them and the contribution they might make to my happiness as a substitute for food. I have had awful experiences along the way, an unhappy and abusive marriage, yet at that time I was thin...and if anything, when the kids were in bed at night and I was alone and sad I'd soothe myself with a bottle of wine. That was long ago and I came through it.

I think there was a point in my life...and it happened around the time that my lovely Mum was terminally ill, when they only thing that did give me any pleasure was food. I grew large...didn't care much and grew larger. Now I care...but I STILL want food, glorious food to enjoy and savour.

I want that pizza you have described actually.

I am working on being able to fight this lifelong struggle. I bet every single one of us struggling with weight issues knows all the theory. It's the practice that is so damned hard!

I cannot imagine the day when I sneer at a pizza or a doughnut as I walk on by.

Hey - you avoided that pizza Lyn. You found the strength. However, like you, I find the notion of being strong forever rather daunting and rather sad.

DBDee x x

Dardrian said...

So many of the things you blog about resonate with me. I have a lot of the same issues regarding food and bingeing. I just wanted to let you know that I've just started reading your blog and that I find it a wonderful source of inspiration.

Thank you for sharing yourself with the world.

IDon'tEatGreenJellyBeansAnymore said...

My father died on Thursday. I felt nothing, or so I thought. We have never had a close relationship. When his marriage fell apart, he left me with his parents when I was three months old and joined the Navy. After the Navy tour, he went to college and worked so I never saw him. He eventually remarried and moved to Florida, starting a new family without looking back. I guess I reminded him of a disappointing, failed marriage. Somehow, I always hoped he would return for me, but he never did.

I'm probably much older than most of the other posters, but I hope you can understand. I was raised to be a good southern girl..no cursing, drinking, drugs, smoking, keep the living room picked up and no pj's after 10am. Some of that sounds silly, but I was raised by grandparents with values from a more genteel time.

All this comes with the recent realization that what I feel is a sense of abandonment. I understand how you feel with no support system in place. I felt like a bit of an alien for a long time. I didn't realize why, but there was an emptiness that I could only fill with food. I see some of my stuggles with you. I realize the past is the past. I can't blame my father, ex-husband or anyone else for my weight problems. I am accountable for the person I am and my future is up to me. It's amazing how empowering those simple words are.

Thanks so much for your posts and recipes. It feels like we are on this journey together. Hello, new friend.

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

My blog for this week is based on this issue too. I so know what you feel, and getting a resource, or a outlet will so help! Hang tough!!!

-J.Darling said...

This feels like such a breakthrough post for you! Sounds like you're really changing your perspective on things. Finding hope in everyday and investing in YOURSELF will help you be the best YOU, you can be - which will help you give THE BEST YOU to those you love. I think many women fall into the trap of "all I need is my family". While the family definately needs to be A top priority, it's HEALTHY to give yourself permission to expand your friendship circle and get involved in your interests.

What would you want your children to do as adults? Be involved in the world? If so, the best way to lead is by example.

Great breakthrough!
And congrads on conquering the pizza party!

screwdestiny said...

I'm sorry it's hard for you to eat the foods you love "like a normal person." But maybe someday you'll get there. Maybe once your life is as fulfilling as you want it to be, then you can have normal, simple relationship with it. I'm sorry if I seem to be getting too much into your business here, but you're a great person, and you deserve a husband who loves you and cherishes you and will want to do things with you. And it's certainly not too late to find that.

Cari said...

To bad you don't live closer to me! I would love to be your friend! I love reading your heartfelt honest posts.

I have to agree with your other posters thought, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Having a spouse does not mean a good marriage, etc....

All Women Stalker said...

Such an enlightening post. I think the key here is balance, and for as long as one can have things in moderation, they'll be okay.

Jennifer said...

OMG...I have just found your blog and this post makes me want to cry. You said just about everything that I have spent so much time trying to figure out. And recently I had figured it out. And I felt isolated for feeling this way but excited that I had now figured out the issue and could work on it. I dont know if you have read any of my posts on my blog, but pizza is my favorite food too. And I wrote a whole post about how bad I wanted it one day. The same internal battle went on in my head almost exactly. I recently started a zumba class which is very different for me. I forced myself to go despite my size and it has surprisingly opened up a new door for me. Am I as active as the other girls? no way. Am I the fat girl there with all the "jiggle" when I move...yup. But let me just tell you what joining this one "thing" has done for me. I also was not part of any group and a stay at home mom. My husbands job took us to a place where I dont know many people. But doing this for myself just once a week gives me so much pride. And I too hope that one day I can look at pizza, or most food, as just FOOD amongst the busy-ness of the rest of my life. One day I hope to get there. I am so greatful to have found your blog. We seem to have a lot in common. I will stay tuned. And please feel free to view mine. just click on my name and it should come up.

IDon'tEatGreenJellyBeansAnymore said...

Thanks, Lyn and Jennifer for your kind remarks. I have never responded to a blog until I read yours. I wasn't really sure what a blog was. I will be following your adventures while, hopefully, gaining insight into my own.

Thanks, again.

Lyn said...

IDontEat~

Glad to have you :)

Roaring Lioness said...

I used to follow your blog two years ago when I was actively writing my own as I tried to lose weight. Then I got pregnant with my second child, and stopped losing weight and blogging. My baby is now 10 months old and I have resolved to address my emotional eating. For inspiration, I sought out a few of the blogs I used to follow when on my weight loss journey, including this one. And I find this entry which is about the very think I am currently thinking about.

I do have a husband -we have quite a volatile marriage but ultimately a strong one. I do have friends and groups I belong to. But I still feel a void that is only filled by food(chocolate,cupcakes, treat food that I pay for or someone gives me). I had abusive parents, who would ban me from eating certain foods and were obsessed with my weight even when I was thin. I think, as someone else wrote, I learnt only that food provided me with a comfort others didn't.

I need to work on how to address that void. One thing I'm going to be doing is start writing my blog again.