Saturday, February 6, 2010

Feb 6 Meals, and Deep Sadness at the Root of My Weight

I had a really great day today. I woke up WITHOUT a headache, well rested, and happy. I spent the day out and about, having fun with my little girl. We played and got plenty of sunshine which is good for the soul, and I really enjoyed being active with her. It was the best day I have had in a long time.

Chai tea w/milk & agave nectar
1/2 c scrambled Egg Beaters on 1 slice of whole wheat toast with 1 slice of light American cheese and thinly sliced ham
1 Clementine

a few pieces of my daughter's popcorn

We went out to Applebee's for lunch:
unsweetened iced tea w/lemon
Paradise Chicken salad (grilled chicken, apples, mandarins, pineapple, pico de gallo over a bed of greens with Balsamic Vinaigrette)
2 french fries and 2 bites of a grilled cheese sandwich (kid's)
Hot Fudge sundae "shooter" mini dessert

1 hot dog on a bun w/mustard
3/4 c fresh fruit (grapes, melons, pineapple, berries)
1 oz cheddar cheese
1/2 mini bagel w/ 1T low fat strawberry cream cheese

I was hungry in the evening so I had a snack which put me over my calorie goal for the day (I aim for 1700) but I am ok with it. I ate under 1700 every other day this week so it will all pan out.

Shredded wheat (plain) w/drizzle of lavender honey, 1 banana, milk
4 orange essence prunes

Total calories for today: 2316

Side note: My lunch at Applebee's was completely satisfying on every level and left me perfectly satisfied but not at all overfull. It was 882 calories. I was thinking while I was in there about the last meal I had at Applebee's before I started this weight loss journey. It was:

Pepsi (with one and a half refills) 500
appetizer: Mozzarella Sticks (shared... I ate half) 502
Cowboy Burger 840
Onion Rings 375
8 to 10 fries off my son's plate 100
I dipped the fries in Ranch dressing 150
Maple Butter Blondie (one of my favorite foods. I would eat this all myself. I still am not quite sure why I was never embarrassed to eat this looking like I did. I am, frankly, embarrassed for myself now for doing that then). 763

The total calorie count for that meal is 3230.

Now, I have no idea how I fit all of that into my stomach. Now, I would be absolutely sick not only from the sugar and fat and salt but from the sheer volume of it all. I know my stomach has shrunk dramatically. I know I was in some kind of self destruct mode before without always realizing it. Sometimes, I'd be sitting in my car at 2:30 having my Big Mac Meal "snack" before going to pick up my kids from school, and I'd get this fleeting thought: "I wonder if I am going to die from eating this?" I'd get heart palpitations. I'd feel sick. But I ate it anyway. I gained 80 pounds in less than a year, and I kept on eating it. I think on some level I was oblivious to it all and just immersed in the food, but on another level I think I hated myself. I think I felt like I deserved to be fat, to be unhappy, to hurt. I was really sad.

I think maybe for me it was a lot like cutting. I was never a cutter, myself, but I've been acquainted with some. A cutter is someone who cuts themselves. For what? Well, some say to dull the emotional pain or distract from other hurts. Some say they cut to feel alive because feeling that is better than being numb (emotionally). There's something really sad going on with the typical young teen girl who cuts. But I related to that, when I was eating.

It's the sadness of the drunk, immersed in his poison. Of a gambler, pockets emptied and spirit drained yet again after a night of forgetting. It's the pain of the cutter, the addict, the woman waking in her bed alone after another regretful one night stand. It's all the same sadness, I think.

Flashes of that sadness come to me, still, sometimes, and I let them slide over me and go on their way. I can't embrace them anymore. I am not that person anymore. I have my share of sadness, but it no longer defines me, engulfs me, drives me to self-injury.

I'm not quite sure what changed, but there is definite change. The joy I have in my heart... in my life... is now my norm. Even on my bad days when I am whiny and complaining, I am not sad like that anymore. Now that I think about it, I guess what changed was that I took control. Control of my life, my emotions, my situation, my eating. And I started loving myself. That made all the difference.

Don't let the sadness drive you down. Please know if you are desperately trying to change your life... or even if you're not because you don't believe in yourself yet... please know you can be happy someday. I hate to think there are other people out there living like I used to live, but I am sure I am not the only one. I wish I could reach out and pull you out of that undertow that is pulling you under. I wish no one ever had to feel that desperation. But please know that if you put your feet down there is firm ground underneath you. There is a beautiful life ahead for you. Go towards it. Don't give up. It is so worth it.


Bridget said...

I am so happy I found your blog! To lose weight I count my calories and try to stay around 1500. Your log of calorie counting is definitely going to give me some ideas! Thanks!

The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Wow, thank you for posting your pre-weight loss journey Applebees meal. My friend and I eat there 2-3 times a month & seeing that was sooo eye opening. Is that chicken salad you had one of their new 550 calorie things? I tried the Peppercorn Steak one and it was awesome.

BrendaKaye said...

I completely agree and can relate to my mood affecting my ability to eat correctly. This last week I was very sad, and I really blew my clean eating. I am hoping to turn it around this week!

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Yep, the deep sadness thing can be really hard to pull yourself out of (and I think no matter how much others want to help, only YOU can pull yourself out). And...what a relief it is when you DO manage to get out of the hole!

No one likes to talk about stuff like this because it isn't all cheery and rah-rah motivation. BUT it is extremely important...even if one person has read this post and got something out of it, it is totally worth it.

Thanks for saying what most people don't want to!

Anonymous said...

I needed this today. Thank you so much. You're an amazing woman.

Anonymous said...

Love the way you equated over eating and obesity to self abuse. I think you're absolutely right. You've inspired to consider what may be the root cause of my weight emotionally instead of the ever obvious cause of eating much too many calories and not moving enough to burn them.

Jenn said...

Lyn, this is a wonderful post. Sounds like you were in a deep depression in the past, as I think a lot of addicts experience.
Because we are addicts - food is our drug. But you've found your light, you found a way out from the dark! I'm so happy for you!!

Amy said...

Hi Lyn, I can totally relate to what you are saying. And I think you are so right.. I was watching a show called "Intervention". I don't know if you are familiar.. but I was watching 2 stories, one a heroin addict, and the other an alcoholic.... and I felt I was watching my own life unfold when I was deep in my food addiction. Very very surreal!!

I get what you are saying tho! yes yes!!

Beautiful day to you!

soontobe...skinnygirl said...

I agree with you on the self abuse thing. I often wonder why I continued to let myself get bigger, why I would rather be unhappy than happy. It's a vicious cycle!

Thankfully we have the will to recognize the abuse we were doing to ourselves and to move on!


Feed Me I'm Cranky said...

You've got it right Lyn. There is a certainly a common denominator in all addictive behaviors, including binge eating. and the emotional consequences seem to ring true across the board. that initial sense of euphoria, that fleeting ecstasy that is strong enough to want again, even if the sacrifice is greater than we bargained for.

She woke up FAT said...

Heartfelt, beautiful and honest. What a great post.

spunkysuzi said...

It is often a difficult journey to find out why you have certain addictions, but once you can work on them the simple joy you can feel is awesome. I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling the joy.

Lyn said...

Accidental Fat Chick~

No, this salad was actually not on that menu, but it was only 420 calories! I might try that steak for dinner sometime though.

Autumnforest said...

Very insightful and poignant. I found my key to feeling sad or hopeless is always a sense of self-pity. When things seem unfair, people are not being nice, or whatever thing I'm bellyaching about, it still comes down to--I'm not taking control of my life. For every "poor me" there's a "so what are you going to do about it." I've become kind a Jilian on "Biggest Loser" to myself and every time I feel helpless I get angry about it and take control. It's a hard shift, but for me it's the difference between life and death.

screwdestiny said...

That post made me rather sad just because it's terrible that people are going through that, everyday, especially when it's something they can take control of and say, "No more."

But oh my goodness, the Maple Butter Blondie is AMAZING. Totally in my top three favorite desserts. I've never eaten a whole one 'cause they're so rich, but I can't go to Applebee's without getting that. They are just too good.

The Countess of Nassau County said...

You really should be incredibly proud of yourself.

I think one of the things that I admire so much about this blog is your honesty about where you came from, and about the million tiny steps it took you to dig out. This post in particular speaks to strength it takes to just take it one day, one pound, one meal at a time. Thoroughly inspiring. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her Mom.

The Chubby Girl Diaries said...

On the Applebee's meal before your diet -- I can completely relate. I know there were days where I cleared 5,000 - 6,000 calories a day. And usually, those were the weeks where my pants failed to fit comfortably by the end of the week.


The Chubby Girl Diaries said...

I also wanted to say that I can relate to what you have written about the sadness. I too felt a deep sadness and self-hate before starting on this journey.

Living in that kind of pain day in and day out is not something that I would wish on anyone. Yet, I think it is more common than we think (with cutting, alcoholism, drug abuse, anorexia, etc.)

Great post!


tpagirl said...

Thank you for sharing your journey. Very inspirational; very real. Please keep sharing.

Dinah Soar said...

We all must ultimately take our life by the horns and take on the accountability factor for what is 'now' in 'that was then, this is now". What "was" is now my past. But I don't have to be defined by my past. None of us do. No one can change your life for must do it for yourself. Others can help, assist, give aid and comfort. But if they don't, we can still make it, if we make up our mind to do so, stay strong, put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along. I can't help but believe that when God sees our determination he will always send someone our way, to give that aid and comfort, to give direction, in our hour of greatest need. He always gives grace to the humble. It is the proud he resists.

Tammy said...

Well said Lyn. I love the way you care about others. :)

Cindy said...

"It's the sadness of the drunk, immersed in his poison. Of a gambler, pockets emptied and spirit drained yet again after a night of forgetting. It's the pain of the cutter, the addict, the woman waking in her bed alone after another regretful one night stand. It's all the same sadness, I think.

Flashes of that sadness come to me, still, sometimes, and I let them slide over me and go on their way. I can't embrace them anymore. I am not that person anymore. I have my share of sadness, but it no longer defines me, engulfs me, drives me to self-injury."

Words of wisdom right there! Lynn, I agree w/ you 100%. I'm glad you haven't forgotten your own suffering, in order to help others. I agree that it's the same kind of sadness, the hopelessness, desperation but people deal in different ways. Welps, I'm glad you at least have gotten a grip, I'm still trying to. I'm seriously really happy for you (even tho don't know you IRL) but still, I just feel like GO LYN! YEE-AH!

Grace said...

I absolutely love you blog, You are an inspiration!
Would you like to exchange links?

All Women Stalker said...

Your posts always leave me thinking about things. The battle against eating too much is oftentimes just a mind and heart/emotion game, and the challenge is to rise above that and be in control, for one's own good.