Stages

You know you've had a good day when you look in the mirror at bedtime and there is red and blue glitter on your face.

***

It has not escaped me that I am a very blessed and fortunate woman to be 40 years old and have a preschooler. Whenever I go in to help in her preschool, I see all the younger parents in there and I think, wow. I am so super glad that I have my daughter NOW. And that I have gotten to experience the amazing blessings of being a mother both at age 20 and at 40 and all the years in between. I've been a Mom for 2 decades now; I have adult and near-adult kids who can drive and cook and make many of their own decisions and I still have a little one who wants to snuggle with me in bed in the morning. Incredible.

Twenty years ago I was pregnant with my very first baby. I was 20 years old and had no idea (as an only child) how my world was about to change. My son was the most miraculous thing I had ever experienced; I still remember the faint blonde fuzz atop his soft newborn head and how it smelled as I pressed my face against it. I remember holding my second very-much-wanted son in my arms only a year and a half later and thinking I could never ask for anything more in my life... could never be happier than having that fat little baby finally in my arms. A third, a fourth, and within five years I had a passel of delightful children and because I was in my mid-20's, I had all the energy in the world to raise them.

There were tough times, there would bad times. There was a divorce and me raising those kids alone in my late 20's and there were all kinds of difficulties in between, but overall there was an enrapturing beauty... the love I had for those children, the trips to the ocean, the camping, the baseball games, the concerts. Such an amazing experience.

And then came my little girl. Fifteen years after her oldest brother, she came as tiny and precious as could be. A gift, a true gift to me, when I thought my baby days were long past. I was a mother of *older* children. Independent children. I was in that stage of life where the kids are growing up and you can pretty much go about whatever career or hobbies or activities you want to because you don't have a kid hanging on your leg or a diaper to change or even a bedtime story to tell. Then she came and changed my life. I was a new mother once again, but with a whole new perspective, which included a whole lot more insightful parenting and a new depth of appreciation for every fleeting moment of her childhood. I have far less energy parenting at 40 than I did at 20, but I am terribly grateful for the opportunity to have experienced both.

I wash the glitter from my face when I look in the mirror. I see wrinkles I didn't have when my oldest was in preschool, but I see the same joyous smile because I still know that any day involving preschool glitter is a blessed day indeed.

I am off to bike. Don't avoid life. Embrace the glitter, whatever that may be, in YOUR life.

Special

So, what's the plan, people? Is the plan to keep gorging yourself day after day with Thanksgiving leftovers until they slowly and seamlessly meld into Christmas celebratory indulgences? Is the plan to PLAN to start "tomorrow" every day for the next 33 days until the calendar says 2010 and you actually DO start for a few days and then give up again? Is the plan to shrug and give in because, after all, you can't turn down pumpkin pie, frosted sugar cookies, hams, those cheesy hash brown casseroles, crescent rolls and plates of fudge? You CAN'T! It just wouldn't be right to "miss out" on all that special stuff. Right? RIGHT??

I missed out on some special stuff. Oh, I had my ten kinds of Christmas cookies every year, six kinds of fudge and those little weenies you make in the crock pot for New Year's Eve with grape jelly and cocktail sauce. I had all the crackers and cheese spreads and hot buttered rum and all the extra-good candies and treats one can only get this time of year. But while I was having all those treats every year for the past decade, my kids grew up. My dog got old. My uncle died. Years passed and I didn't even notice. I could've spent more time with my boys instead of eating alone in the kitchen. I could've called my Uncle to reconnect instead of looking up 20 recipes for pumpkin cheesecake with caramel sauce. I could've spent more time playing with my dog rather than shopping for Ding Dongs and Ho Hos, and I could've been PRESENT for all of those moments instead of LOST in the food. I did miss out on some special stuff.

I don't want to miss out anymore. I want to savor every moment of life I have left... every moment with my growing children who are turning into adults before my very eyes... who will, someday, be too busy working or gone to college or off with their new wives to hang out with Mom anymore. I want to play fetch with my dog, who is 11 years old and still as happy to get so much as a glance from me that he wags himself to pieces every time I look at him. I want to call my aunts and my cousins and my friends, because, in an instant, they could be gone. You never know what tomorrow might bring. I want to make sure every person I love KNOWS I love them, knows how important they are to me. I want to create memories for myself AND for them, especially for my children, and I want to be fully alive and immersed in my little girl's preschool and grade school years while they last. I want the richness of life.

Would you trade it for a donut?

I won't.

I will enjoy special occasions and special foods. I truly believe that when one begins to torture one's self with excessive "fitness" and "dieting" expectations, one loses their life just as much as when one is lost in that cheesecake. Balance. Moderation. LIVING. Those are keys.

Being present. That's what I am striving for. I want to feel every breath and muscle as I bike or walk or rake leaves. I want to smell my child's hair and absorb her wonderful laughter and get lost in the blueness of her happy eyes. I want to FEEL my little dog's happiness emanating from his curly, furry, bright-eyed smile when he looks at me, and I want to savor the sunshine and the rain every day that I live.

The food is not "special." Life, the very moments of life... those are special. Don't miss another moment. Be present!

Back to Business

Wow! It feels like I haven't posted in ages! Here's an update.

I am feeling really awful right now! PMS, serious bloating, and a headache that I've had for two days. I have pretty much been sitting on the couch in misery for 2 days straight. Now I remember how bad my PMS *used* to be back when my eating and exercise was horrid. I'd forgotten, because although I still get PMS when I exercise and eat right, it isn't nearly the torture it used to be.

Well, I haven't exercised *at all* since Tuesday. My knees were *killing* me and a small break to rest turned into a lot of days of inactivity. I ate pretty healthy through Thanksgiving. I was moderate with my eating on the holiday and felt nearly sick from just one plate of food. However I did have a piece of the chocolate cheesecake my daughter and I made for dessert. The scale showed NO increase though over this minor indiscretion.

However, the day AFTER Thanksgiving was a mess. Leftovers everywhere. Stuffed fridge. While I had avoided the dinner rolls and been very moderate with stuffing etc on Thanksgiving, I did partake the following day. And had more cheesecake. In fact the PMS was quite bad yesterday (and again today) and this morning the scale showed 3 pounds of bloat! Yikes! I know it will come off... it always does... but it's still a yikes! And my face has broken out like a teenager's! I have not had any skin problems while I have been eating healthy but I guess the sugary cheesecake and a few more refined carbs did a number on my system and my PMS is in full blast mode. My guts are in knots, head is pounding, etc.

So, I gave away some cheesecake, had a bowl of green beans for breakfast, and am making some nice healthy turkey soup for dinner tonight (with veggies added). I also drank a bunch of caffeine just to get myself off the couch, and will be taking my daughter out to the park in a few minutes. I need to get the blood flowing again. I also plan to get on my bike tonight for a half hour. I also stopped logging my calories for 2 or 3 days and that laziness has to stop.

Time to get back to business...

Happiness

I am *so excited* for Thanksgiving! I just love all the cooking and prepping and setting out all those lovely dishes on the table. It's funny how it takes me ALL DAY to cook everything (in fact, I've done *some* of the cooking and prep today!) but it takes my teenagers about 10 minutes to eat and be gone. They are all about the mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, and homemade butter. And turkey legs... everyone always used to fight and gripe over the turkey legs. But see, I got a smaller turkey this year and FIVE extra turkey legs to roast with it, so everyone's gonna be happy.

I've been making an effort to eat more local, fresh, organic foods. My local Farmer's Market makes that pretty easy in the summer and fall, but once it closes it is harder to find many things locally. I recently found a local grocery store that stocks a lot of local stuff. And I searched online to find fresh, local, free-range/grass fed beef and poultry. It's not that much more expensive when you don't eat a lot of meat: 4 bucks for a pound of extra lean grass-fed, fresh local beef is not bad! I only use about a pound a week (or less) since I make a lot of meatless dinners. I was shocked at the price of local free-range turkeys though... think $80+ for a small turkey!!! So I resigned myself to the cheap grocery store kind. Imagine my absolute delight when I found fresh, organic, free-range turkeys on the shelf at the store yesterday for under $2 a pound! Plus, I had a coupon, so I ended up with a nice 12-pound bird for only $15. Can't beat that! I can't wait to taste this bird!

I am thankful for my children. I love them all dearly. You never know what the coming year will bring and whether your loved ones will be at your Thanksgiving table again next year, so take the time to really relish having them there with you. Tell them you love them. Hug them. Enjoy every moment.

Power, strength, peace, and calm. It's all important, it all has to be there. I am slowly creating a vision of the life I want to have, the person I want to be. I am taking steps every day to get closer and closer to ALL of my goals. Thank you for coming along for the ride :) And Happy Thanksgiving!

Afraid to Lose Weight

Here is a post I wrote the other day, right after a binge. It's a raw reflection on what's really eating me.

****************
I am really upset. I think there is something wrong with me. I had a perfect day. A great day. I ate healthy, filling meals. I felt amazing. I was 228!

At dinnertime I felt so hungry I ate a whole pot of kale, but I was still within my calorie goal. But then I just got this drive to eat. I ate so much crap it made me sick. I ended up eating one thousand calories in about 15 minutes flat.

When I was eating it I thought about throwing the food away. I thought about stopping. I knew if I stopped I would be ok. But I wanted to eat.

I think I am afraid of being thin. Of succeeding. I think part of me is just terrified of losing this weight. Scared of success. And the other part of me is scared to death I will never be able to get thin, will stay fat all my life, and never reach my goal. How can I possibly win if I am afraid of success AND afraid of failure??? I am so frustrated!!

I have a terribly hard time imagining myself under 200 pounds. In fact, when I reached 214 pounds in July 2008, I distinctly remember realizing that I was going to reach my goal of 199 WELL before I'd planned (Christmas). I suddenly knew that if I kept it up, I'd be well under 199 by then... maybe in the 180's or less. I had a distinct feeling of panic. Fear. Upset. Which is the opposite of what I'd expected.

I have been thin before. It's not unknown territory. I was pretty happy being thin.

But when I was thin, I was also:
abandoned
rejected
abused
helpless
lost

When I was thin, I could be grabbed and taken. My (ex) husband picked me up, flipped me over, and mopped the floor with my hair. He used to pin me to the bed or the wall or the floor and laugh in my face while I struggled and screamed. He'd make me "calm down and behave" and apologise before he would let me up. I think part of me is STILL scared that being thin is a liability. I've written about this before but my solution was: I will take martial arts/self defense classes when I am able. But the fear, it's still there.

If I lose weight, someone might grab me, put me someplace against my will, pick me up and put me somewhere, hurt me, pin me down and laugh at me.
Being pinned is a very helpless, scary feeling.
If I lose weight, I will have no excuse NOT to live fully.
If I lose weight, and things are still not *right*, I can't blame it on my weight.
I will have to shop in the normal size clothes. I will have to figure out what to wear instead of just picking the only shirt and pants big enough to fit me from the Plus Sized Section.
Again, I have a distinct memory of weighing in the 210's and going to shop for new clothes and being confused and overwhelmed at all the choices. Nothing in the plus section was small enough for me, and I didn't know where to begin shopping. It felt very unsettling.
If I lose weight, I might starve. I have had empty cabinets before and it is no fun. I have this weird idea that as soon as I lose all my weight, there will be a worldwide famine and I will die first because I have no fat left to live off of.
I am afraid of the loose skin and the hanging bits and how I will look absolutely unlike what is expected when I take off my clothes.
All of this stuff, it's all THERE. I am AFRAID to get under 200 pounds and I KNOW how ridiculous it is... but I have to write about it and deal with it and GET OVER IT.
I think ALL of it is overcome-able. I think even if I just talk to friends about it and think it through and do some writing, I will get over the parts about the famine and the clothes and the shopping. But the part about being carried off or pinned down or just TAKEN by someone bigger than me... that's gonna be a tough one. In fact, I think THAT is the core of most of my fear. I absolutely panic when I think of NOT being as big as I am now... because right now I know it would take an awful lot for ANY man to *move* me.

I have to start believing more in my own ability to build STRENGTH. Maybe strength training is a key, here. I do feel very strong and confident when I lift weights. Maybe I can become strong THAT way... maybe take some boxing classes and those self defense classes I mentioned. I need to overcome my fear of getting physically *taken.*

Part of me, I guess, does not want to get small again for those reasons... that big reason.
I have to convince myself:
it is okay to lose the weight, to let it go.
I can protect myself.
I will not be a victim again.
The fat is not a good protector (even as I type this, I think, "oh yes it is! Yes, it is!!" and I have to work through that.)
I can protect myself with strength and power and abilities. And a big dog if necessary.

I can't keep living with this almost-subconscious fear of thinness! THAT is what drives me to binge. I am sure of it. I am sure that tonight when I was stuffing my face, it was to prevent myself from getting closer to 199 where I think I will be more vulnerable. It was *almost* present in my thoughts as I was eating! I was not in oblivion completely. I was thinking, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this?" and I think the answer I got was, Fear.

I am not really sure how to build the confidence I need to overcome this, because inside of this mature adult there is a really scared little kid, and a very tearful and angry 20-something thin woman who cries, "I'll show you! You'll NEVER pick me up again! You'll NEVER pin me down again!! YOU WILL NOT HURT ME AGAIN." And she gained, and gained, and gained until not only was she not pick-up-able nor pinnable nor moveable, but also alone.

I have to empower that thin girl inside of me so she feels okay about letting go of this fat armour. There must be a way.

***********

I have thought about this a lot since then. My eating is back on track, I walked for an hour yesterday and am going to bike for 40 minutes tonight. But those core fears remain, just under the surface.

I also realized from this article that I do, in fact, associate thinness with death. As a child, I watch several close family friends die of cancer. Waste away. It scared me to see people getting thinner and thinner until I could barely recognise them, and then they were gone. It was horrible.

But the most important thing for me to realise is that after I lose weight, I CAN BE SAFE. Being thin does not make me a victim. I have a lot of empowering to do.

Power Bracelet Winner

The random number generator has spoken! Congratulations sheddy, a power bracelet is coming you way! Email me for details :)

"Real" post coming soon!

Here We Go! A Fresh New Week.

Good morning, folks. Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving this week? All that FOOD! Are you going to gain some weight? Hmmm?

For the past 2 years I've done the same thing for Thanksgiving. I use the recipes I've posted on my blog, I eat what I want in moderation, and I make Thanksgiving *one meal.* Not a whole day, not a week. One meal. Because even if you screw around for one meal you can moderate any effects by eating lightly before and after, and getting in a little extra exercise. Here are my recipes for all the delicious things I'm making: Recipe for Thanksgiving Success. I also may make a pie... a real, rich, fatty, sugary pie... or I may not, in light of this weekend's insanity.

Yes, I had a rough go of it this weekend. Saturday night I had a binge. There wasn't a whole lot of food lying around that are triggers or anything, and I didn't make a store run, but I did overeat quite a bit after a good solid healthy eating day. This really concerned me and after I was done, I sat and blogged and thought and wrote and went over things in my head and came up with some new observations. I am still working through them, so I am not ready to post that bit yet but I will soon. I think I figured out the bottom line for me.

Sunday I had another lapse. It was ridiculous what set me off. I got up in the morning, all determined and happy to make it a great, low calorie day, when my husband reminded me we had plans to go out to dinner that night. OMG. I'd forgotten. The plans were not really cancellable, and dinner was already pegged to be salad, lasagna, sausages and meatballs, bread & butter, and cheesecake. I'd agreed to this particular special occasion back a week or so ago when I was running a calorie deficit daily, so I had it all planned in my head: drink water, eat lots of salad, a SMALL piece of lasagna, a meatball, and a shared piece of cheesecake (meaning I'd have a bite or two). It can work. But it can't work if one has just come off a binge and wants a low calorie, low carb type of day.

So I sort of paced around all day Sunday, feeling a bit out of control, having a bite here and a sip there, worrying about the dinner, adding the calories up and realizing there was no way I'd stay within my calorie limit. I thought about feigning illness to get out of the dinner. I thought about eating a huge plate of broccoli before I went. But at some point I threw up my hands, ate a bowl of crackers and cheese out of anxiety, and resigned myself to another high-cal day. I didn't binge, but I nibbled a lot. At this dinner I *did* drink only water. I did eat quite a bit of low cal healthy salad. I did restrain myself to ONE small piece of lasagna, one meatball *and half of a sausage* which is pretty reasonable. The bread got me, though. Soft, freshly baked, white, warm. Bad news, big trigger for me. I bet I had 400 calories in bread and butter. But I did okay with dessert. I did share, but my husband wanted to get his own, so I ended up eating half a slice of cheesecake.

I wasn't stuffed when we came home. I didn't have to unbutton my pants or anything. I was *terribly* thirsty though, as the salt was quite apparent in the sauce. I drank a ton of water. I felt like I had not had enough veggies and fiber so late at night I warmed a bowl of pumpkin, added a bit of brown sugar and ate it. Broccoli woulda been a better choice...

So. Rough weekend, scale is temporarily up 3 pounds, which is not the best precursor to a holiday week. But you know, I feel okay. It's also PMS week, so maybe it would be best *not* to make a rich, fudgy pie for Thanksgiving. Just asking for trouble, eh??

Anyway that's my weekend, and I do have another whole post written regarding the base *issue* I've uncovered and I am working on that as well. You'll see that post another time. Right now I am focused on getting the water bloat to leave, burning some extra calories over the next week, and eating healthy.

Let's plan for success this week!

Weekend Update, and Dressing Recipe

I'm here and I'm happy as a clam! This morning the scale said 228. Not bad at all! Last night I finally ordered pizza. We used to order pizza about once a week, so all the kids love it, but I haven't in about 2 months just because it used to be a big binge food for me. I could eat about 3/4 of a large, meat lover's pan pizza all by myself... and then finish the rest an hour later!

So, the kids were clamoring for Pizza Hut but I just don't do that anymore. Too triggery, greasy, salty... Anyway I got the pizzas from Papa John's and one was a thin crust Garden Fresh, with mushrooms, onions, olives, Roma tomato slices, and pineapple on it. Super yum. I made a side salad so I'd get a bit more volume without a lot of calories. Romaine, spinach, Gorgonzola, pomegranate arils, and crumbled bacon (really. If you have never had a salad with crumbled bacon and Gorgonzola, you must! So good! 1 slice bacon = 40 cal, 1 T Gorgonzola crumbles = 25 cal). Oh, I guess this would be a good time to post my favorite dressing:

Apple Cider Dressing

Put 2 c. apple cider and 3T apple cider vinegar (I used Bragg's) in a saucepan. Bring to a simmer and cook uncovered for about 8 minutes. It should be reduced to one cup. Whisk in 2 tsp. Dijon mustard, a sprinkle of sea salt and black pepper to taste. That's it! No fat, lots of flavor. Yummy drizzled warm over spinach salad or cold on any salad! I let it cool and pour it into an old (clean) dressing bottle and store in the fridge. Shake before use. Only 15 calories per Tablespoon!

Okay, back to last night. I had my salad and 2 slices of pizza. I biked 30 minutes. And this morning, 228 on the scale. So glad to see that!

Today's menu:
Breakfast: tea with milk & sugar. Half of a giant, freshly made whole wheat cinnamon roll with frosting, one boiled egg mashed with 1tsp butter, and some strawberries & blueberries, with a cup of coffee.
Lunch: Enviga sugar free green tea soda, 2 slices of Garden Fresh thin crust pizza, and a pile of spaghetti squash with 1 tsp butter, salt, & pepper.
Snack: hmmm, not sure yet. Maybe a Clementine, a little salad, or cup of soup.
Dinner: I am making a huge pot of kale with ham & onions. It is SO delicious, filling, and nutritious. I can't wait!

I did housework, mopped the floors, and raked leaves already today. I'm also planning to bike 30 minutes tonight. Biking is getting easier and easier. I really enjoy it!

Glad to see so many wonderful, positive comments on my last post. Thanks so much!
Enjoy your day :)

Victory, and a Giveaway

I had another great day yesterday although I was super tired most of the day. I ate healthy meals, and when I started feeling what I call "munchy" (wanting to eat when not hungry) I had a sugar free chocolate mousse, a ton of water, and just told myself no (which usually works pretty well). I distracted myself with a phone call and making a healthy dinner. In the evening, I was sooo tired (for no apparent reason) but still got on the bike and pedaled kinda slowly for 30 minutes. Then I went to bed at 9! That's pretty much unheard of. If I had my way I'd go to bed at 1 or 2am (like I did until I was about 35) but I just cannot function on that little sleep anymore. So I generally was going to bed around 11. I recently moved it up to shortly after 10. But last night I listened to my body and went to bed at 9. The sleep felt so good!

This morning, I was so thrilled to see 229 on the scale! I almost danced I was so happy! The last time I saw 229 was in early April of this year. I struggled up and down between 230 and 245 for the past 6 months and it just feels SO GREAT to be able to make this happen, finally. Finally!

I have a special surprise for you loyal weekend readers. Remember my power bracelet? I wear it every day. Well, the lovely Miranda from mstarbuck's shop on etsy contacted me and offered to provide a power bracelet for a giveaway on my blog! So now you have the chance to win one for yourself. To enter just leave me a comment (anything) on this post and I will draw a random winner on Tuesday, November 24th. Miranda is willing to ship ANYWHERE so this giveaway is open to all.

If you don't want to wait, or would rather have some other piece of jewelry, go check out her site. You can contact her to see if she can make you something custom (prices are pretty good!) and she can make bracelets longer or shorter depending on your wrist size. Pretty cool. The bracelet is very lightweight which makes it comfortable enough to wear all day.

Disclaimer: I was not paid or given any merchandise or incentives to link to her blog. I am doing so because I LOVE my bracelet and am happy that she offered a free one for a lucky reader!

Good luck! Enjoy your active, healthy, happy weekend!

Recovery

So how did I do? Did I *really* throw the breaker on that binge? Was I able to revert right back to the healthy mindset and keep it there?

You bet.

After that binge, the very same night, I biked for 40 minutes. I usually only do 30, but I wanted to push myself. In the morning, I was up 2 pounds.

I made it my goal to have a low-calorie day with extra exercise to kind of mitigate the damages of that extra 1600+ calories I'd consumed. So yesterday my meals were:

Breakfast: Chai tea with milk & agave nectar, large bowl of oatmeal (made from whole groats) with brown sugar and cinnamon, topped with light eggnog and 2% milk. Green tea.
Snack: protein/fiber veggie juice drink
Lunch: large spinach & romaine salad with pomegranate arils, Clementine sections, crumbled bacon, chicken, Gorgonzola, & Balsamic vinaigrette
Snack: Sugar-free green tea soda and 4 Triscuit crackers
Dinner: I made spaghetti for the family. I made spaghetti SQUASH for me (the family hates it). I had a heaping plate of spaghetti squash topped with the delicious homemade sauce and two big homemade meatballs. Sprinkled with Parmesan cheese, with one slice of French bread (buttered with light butter) on the side.
Total calories: 1136

I also went for my usual walk at the park which I do twice a week. I usually aim for 30 minutes, but have gone 45 once or twice. This time I walked for a solid hour! I went 2.8 miles and was exhausted when I was done!

But when I got home, there were leaves covering the backyard. It was gorgeous, sunny, and 53 degrees so my daughter and I raked leaves for a half hour. It was super fun!

After dinner I was just wiped out tired... but in a good way. I was happy all day and felt great. Not once was I tempted to eat junk. I soaked in the tub and went to bed before 10.

This morning the 2 pound gain was gone and I am back to 230 where I was pre-binge. I am pleased with that! Today will be another healthy day, aiming for about 1400 calories today and a 30-minute bike ride in the evening. I think soon, very soon, I will be seeing the 220's again for the first time in about 7 months. I am ready!

I feel really great and excited to have a fun day with my kids today. I am making Butternut Macaroni and Cheese tonight... one of my favorite dishes in the world! There's nothing like a homemade baked macaroni & cheese... mmmm! Maybe another delicious spinach salad for lunch.

Have a super day!

Binge Chronicle, and The Breaker

Here is something I wrote last night:
***********************
I am writing this immediately after the first binge episode I have had all month, but I am not posting it until tomorrow. Or later. I want to write so I can figure out what the heck happened.

It is Tuesday November 17. The last binge I had was very minor... a short burst of out-of-control eating. That was October 24th. Before that I had not binged in over a month. All other days, I have had full control of my eating. I have eaten reasonably, healthy, and stayed within my calorie limits. But today, I had a bad time.

It was not precipitated by any emotional crisis; I think I have learned to cope with that kind of thing in a better way (exercise, relaxing, feeling the feelings). But tonight after dinner... after a day of pretty healthy eating totaling about 1600 calories... I wanted to keep eating.

I left the table. I went to do other things.
All I could think about was FOOD. I wanted chips. My husband had purchased a rather large bag of "baked veggie chips"... and really, I think he had good intentions this time. He didn't bring candy or cookies or muffins. He didn't bring his favorite potato chips and dip. He got these baked things, and told me they are baked and made from veggies and all. So I think he was trying.
But I got into the chips a bit. I ate just a few. I don't think THEY "triggered" me. In fact, I don't think any food or emotional issue triggered this binge.
I think it was physical. I felt hungry, I felt like I wanted to munch on stuff. I distinctly WANTED to just eat and eat and eat.
I think that happened because I am mid cycle, I am ready to drop a few pounds, and my body is aiming for a stable weight which would require me to increase my calories.
Anyway, none of that matters except that I believe any trigger was physical and internal, not mental or emotional or a tripped fuse from having sugar or carbs. It felt different. Like my body wanted it... not my mind. Not my inner tantrum girl.
Or perhaps, I have some underlying fears of losing weight that I need to address. Almost subconscious stuff. But I'll get to that later.
So I had those chips, just a few. I was dying for chocolate. I suddenly thought of those stupid peanut butter meltaways that have sat, untouched, in my cabinet for weeks, not bothering me in the slightest.
You know you have an issue when you are walking around with a wrapped peanut butter meltaway stuck in your cleavage to make it warm and melty.
I ate it. I wanted the other dozen. But I did NOT WANT it mentally. I kept going to do other things, drinking glasses of water. I figured I'd eat a bowl of shredded wheat to get the "eating" desire to subside, and then I'd bike extra long tonight.
One bowl turned into two very big bowls of shredded wheat with milk.
And though my stomach was full to the point of pain, I ate another peanut butter meltaway, then a few more chips, a slice of cheese, a piece of pizza, and then another meltaway. I frantically threw the rest of the candy at my teenaged sons (they were thrilled).
My stomach HURTS. It really hurts, I feel sick. I used to eat 3-4 times this volume in a binge and not ever feel full or sick. I even considered trying to throw up because the food is almost coming back up as it is. I feel absolutely sick. But I am not good at throwing up. If I was, I'd have been bulimic a long time ago.
So I sit here having heart palpitations from the binge. I have a lot of feelings, like guilt, embarrassment, shame. Anger at myself. Disappointment. My guts are rumbling. I have not felt this bad in months.

Well, ok. In half an hour I am going to get on my bike and ride for at least 30 minutes... more if I can do so without injuring myself. I did count all of my calories and today I consumed 3314.

In the midst of all this, I was actually emailing with a dear friend who was trying to talk me down. She did a fantastic job but in the end I just felt like I *had* to give in. I do not get this part. And I know if I had not had candy or cereal in the house, I would have binged on anything, from low fat cheese to fiber rich crackers to plain yogurt. It was one of *those* feelings. It wasn't really about the candy or the cereal. It was about the eating itself.

I have an eating disorder and it is obviously not *cured.*
I am hanging onto the pride I still have that instead of bingeing on a daily basis, I have gotten down to... so far... once a month. I am pretty sure I have never gone longer than a month without a binge, so that is my next goal.

I have no wisdom for you tonight. But I am not in a sugar fog. Not yet... and not ever. This isn't pretty but it doesn't change my journey. I am, as of this very SECOND, on track, eating healthy, continuing with my life in a respectable manner. I still feel as confident as I did yesterday and as determined and committed as I have all month. Just a blip in the journey with the same destination.

***********************
And here is what I have to say this morning.
There is a major victory for me, here, that I almost missed until I got a very timely email from a friendly reader last night. She wrote to me because she had been "on plan" for several months and then fell apart and started to binge this week. We all know the HUGE struggle it is... the momentum from *either* way of eating just builds and drives itself, so that one slip-up can easily turn into another, and another, and another until BOOM, we have regained all our lost weight and are back in that pit of despair trying to "claw our way out." Boy, do I know that feeling. Go back, read my blog from August 2008 until September 2009 and see how I was busy fighting and clawing and struggling with the stupid binge eating. It always took *so much* effort to revert back to healthy eating once I had "fallen off" for a day.

This lovely person who emailed me last night said she wished she could just reach down and flip a switch or throw a breaker to stop the bad eating and be back to the healthy eating mindset. Oh, how often I wished that! If only I could throw a breaker after a binge and be right back on plan instead of struggling for days, weeks months...

And then it hit me.

I *have* thrown the breaker! Miracle of miracles, I do not have to claw my way out anymore. It IS like there is a breaker to throw for me now. I threw it last month after my one mini-binge, and I threw it last night immediately after my rather large binge. I got up, blogged it, shrugged off the negative feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment, and I used my own *power* to throw that switch. Got on my bike and rode hard for 40 minutes. Put some oats in the crockpot for a healthy breakfast in the morning. Went to bed feeling *exactly* like I felt the night before, and the night before, and the night before... hopeful, happy, excited to be on this journey. The binge did not become a detour. There really IS a breaker! It took me two years of clawing but you know what?? I think I've really found that breaker switch.

I am telling you this because it is something I never believed would have happened. I thought I'd always have to be *scared* of one bad meal or one binge because it would set me off for days or weeks and I would gain the weight back. I don't think it is just ME. I think this is something we ALL can reach, simply by continuing to get back up after we fall and claw our way out of the pit. Maybe just the act of clawing out of that deep pit has thrown enough dirt down in the bottom that, over time, the pit becomes less and less deep until it's shallow enough to stand up and just step out of. I hope this makes sense. I want to convey that this morning the scale is up 2 pounds but I feel AS HAPPY and determined and successful as I did when it was down 2 pounds. The negativity is gone, the guilt is gone. So what, 2 pounds? It'll be gone in a few days. But *I* won't be gone. I will be right here, eating healthy, counting calories, exercising, doing the work it takes to conquer this eating disorder.

Yeah, the ultimate goal is to *never* have a binge, but if we slip, we gotta get right back up. Get up as soon as possible. Fight and claw. Because someday, after a couple of months or years of fighting, you might just find that breaker switch. And that makes life SO much easier!

Worst Gets Worse: Mood and Food

(There's a great recipe at the end of this post, so scroll down and don't miss it!)
I woke up in a really bad mood yesterday. I felt bloated, grouchy, and tired. Mid-cycle thing... I am pretty sensitive to hormonal changes. Anyway, I was honestly in a pretty bad mood for most of the day, but I ate my healthy stuff and just went on with life. After lunch, I went out for a walk while my daughter went to preschool. It was cold, overcast, and wet out, but I just did it because *that is what I do.* I walk when my child is in preschool twice a week. No questions asked.

As I was walking, I felt my mood improve a bit. Not a ton, but a bit. I felt less stressed after a good brisk 1.5 miles and came home and relaxed. And then something hit me.

My life is so different now, yet so natural that I hardly notice it. Let me try to explain.
Before: If I woke up in a bad mood, I was really unhappy. I ate a lot of crap food trying to feel better, but all the stupid Little Debbie Cake rolls made me madder because they just didn't taste as good as I wanted them too. So I had to eat the whole box, hoping that maybe the next cake roll would be the one that tasted right. They never did. I'd make something I liked to cheer me up... maybe a pack of hot dogs, some Coke and a bag of crunchy Cheetos. It tasted good but I felt worse. My whole mood was just BLACK. And having all that sugar, salt, fat, and chemicals in my system made me feel even worse. I sat around moping and wondering why my life sucked so much.
Now: If I wake up in a bad mood, I am not really unhappy, just irritable. I make and enjoy my healthy foods, and I drink lots of water. My mind is lighter. My body is more content. And the "bad mood" is really *just* the collective physical symptoms of my female cycle, and nothing more. It does not become depression, or anxiety, or a black cloud over my whole life. I walk, I feel somewhat better. I do not feel like I am in a pit. I am just feeling a bit grouchy, but it does not overtake me.

Make sense? It really is a huge difference. And today I feel much better.

Now I realize that I was just compounding the problem with bad food. Just when you think you cannot possibly be in a worse mood, throw a few candy bars, donuts, and Big Macs into the mix and you will feel even crappier!

Last night I made a dinner that is simple and delicious. It's a recipe I started making about 6 years ago when I was in the throes of the South Beach Diet, trying to make super low carb meals that took very little prep. I'd make this same recipe in the crock pot but instead of tomato sauce and water, I used V8. Yum.

Here's what I made last night, in a skillet on the stovetop. It was amazing. I love it. Hope someone out there enjoys this one!

Cabbage Roll Casserole

Ingredients:
1 lb. extra lean ground beef (I used 96% lean ground round)
1/2 T olive oil, to brown the meat in. If your meat is not extra lean, you can omit the oil and drain the fat
1 large sweet onion, chopped
1 large clove of garlic, minced

Brown all of the above in a large pan. Add seasonings, generously, to taste (use plenty. Don't be shy.): onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, sea salt, dash of cayenne, 1/2 tsp thyme.
Add a good dose of Worcestershire sauce. I think I used about 2T.

Add two 8-oz cans of tomato sauce and half a can of water. Add about 3T ketchup (you could leave this out, and add it at the end if you think it needs it, but I like the flavor). Add about 2 tsp brown sugar (also could probably omit).

While that's simmering for 15 minutes or so, chop up a raw cabbage. I got a relatively small cabbage, maybe 7" across. If you have a big one, don't use the whole thing for this. You want about 4 or 5 cups of cabbage, raw. Chop it in half, core it, then slice it lengthwise and then crosswise about 1" apart so you get 1" squares. Throw that into the pot of beef and cover it. Lower the heat and cook for about 45 min to an hour, until the cabbage is all tender and soft. Stir it every so often and add a little water halfway through... maybe 1/4 cup or so. It should be saucy, but not soupy. Not dry at all. Add water as needed.

This made a huge pan of food, and 1/4 of the pot had just under 250 calories. Amazing. That's the wonder of extra lean ground round. (You may have to figure more calories if you use fattier beef. Ground turkey is good in there, too). It's warming and soothing and comforting, so delicious. I put a little dab of light sour cream on mine. Delicious!



Enjoy your day! It is the only day you have.

Slay the Dragon

The other day, I got a comment on my blog. It was framed as a supportive comment, which I appreciate, and seemed excited about my weight loss. But part of the comment made me pause and think. It said that they'd almost stopped reading my blog because I was gaining weight every month.

Hmmm.

Why do you read blogs? Why this one? Well, if you read blogs to see "I ate a salad and lost 2 pounds this week!" then I can imagine your dismay logging onto mine over the past year and seeing month after month of weight gain, very small losses, and no losses. Heck, over the past year my weight went UP overall, not down. So if you read blogs to watch someone get thinner, I can understand abandoning mine.

But you know, if that's all you're looking for, there are myriads of blogs out there full of people who post losses pretty much every month, talk about eating chicken breasts and green beans and going to the gym everyday and losing their weight. Kudos to them! I am glad people blog their losses.

But this blog is not about that. This blog is not even really about losing weight. Oh, yes, it started out that way. I began writing this blog as a way to chronicle my "diet" and weight loss and in the first year I dropped 64 pounds. But then, something happened. Something scary, common, sad, and profound.

I regained some weight.
My binges became out of control again.
My emotions went haywire.
I was still using food as a crutch... a way to cope... and I seemed doomed, like thousands of others, to just regain all the weight I'd lost.

It happens every day, these regains. We look and see someone who lost a hundred pounds and regained it all and we just cannot get our heads around HOW that happened. People "fall off the wagon." They lose control and fall into the pit of overeating, unable to pull themselves out. Bloggers stop posting and disappear. People give up, or they gain all the weight back and then 'do it again' in a vicious cycle of dieting and overeating. That is not what happened to me.

This is a blog about overcoming addiction. It is a chronicle of how one person worked on not just the physical aspects of weight loss but also the emotional and mental issues that lurk behind Binge Eating Disorder. It took me a solid YEAR of working through a lot of these issues to get to the point I am now: practically binge-free. My entire mental state has changed and thus, so has my world. It was a year where my weight stats were far less than spectacular, but I accomplished something monumental in that year. I kept blogging. I stayed honest. I continued pushing myself to eat healthy and exercise between the binges. I honestly examined the feelings, thoughts, and circumstances that surrounded my eating disorder, and I began to get control of something that seemed impossible. And I count that as a victory. If all you saw over the past year was, "Oh, how sad, she gained 3 pounds," then you missed the biggest, most important part of my journey.

I am quite sure I would NEVER have been able to keep the weight off or continue losing had I not done this background mental work on a daily basis. I know it may have taken me longer simply because I did not have a counselor or therapist, but I also made a DECISION not to be a victim and sit whining, "Oh well, I don't have health insurance, I can't afford a therapist, I don't have child care, there isn't even an eating disorder therapist in my area." I chose NOT to be a victim. I don't care if you live in the most remote part of Alaska in an igloo, you can still do the tough mental work to break free from your food addiction. IT IS HARD. It seems impossible. But *own your power.* Take the time. The year would've passed anyway and I am far better off now than I was a year ago. I am better off than if I had given up and gained back to 280 pounds, but I am also better off than if I had "dieted" my way to 140 pounds WITHOUT doing the necessary emotional work. I am right where I need to be. I am very proud of that.

There may be days ahead when I flip out and relapse to binge eating. Who knows? This is uncharted territory for me. While I feel completely in control now, and would like to believe I will reach a normal weight without consequence and with a constant downward scale trend, that may not occur. I probably have more mental work to do as I lose this weight. I got this fat for a reason, and it wasn't just because I liked the taste of food or didn't know what I should be eating or was lazy. Dealing with the emotional issues behind the weight is truly THE MOST IMPORTANT PART of my journey, and of this blog. When I was gaining weight, I was learning. I was battling and listening and thinking and feeling. And if, at some point in the future, the scale goes UP again, I may not like it, but I assure you I *will* learn from it. I am going to beat this thing, and it is going to be forever.

So enjoy the blog. See the progress, not just based on the scale, but on the essential changes that have occurred. I am a *new person.* The message I hope to convey, here, is that Binge Eating Disorder is not the unconquerable monster it seems to be. Do not give up, even if the scale is disappointing and you're embarrassed and frustrated and feeling hopeless. You can come out on top. You can slay the dragon. And the time to start is now.

Random Stuff

Just wanted to ramble about a couple of random things:

*My size 18 jeans have gotten super baggy and I have to dry them on high heat to shrink them to fit. Then they get baggy again by the end of the day. But I cannot wear 16's yet because they strangle my middle. So I bought a pair of Levi's "Curvy Jeans" online in a size 18. I have never owned Levi's before and I knew they'd run smaller than the Venezia's I've been wearing, but I hoped they'd fit right away. They came in the mail today. I held them up, ughh. Super thin. Way too small, no way they are even coming up past my thighs. I decided to see how high I could get them and use them as Progress Pants. I looked again, way too small, no way. Well can you believe I not only got them on all they way, but got them buttoned and zipped! Now there is NO WAY I could wear them for any length of time without damaging myself, but wow, they look good on me. They are strangling tight though. So they ARE going to be my progress pants, and I'll try em on every couple of pounds until they fit!

*I weigh 230 pounds today. I have lost 4 pounds so far this month... 15 since October 1. That makes me very happy. I feel like an entirely new woman.

*Today's dinner was an old family favorite: sloppy joes. My kids have LOVED sloppy joes since they were small. Back in the day (when I was in poverty) I had a hard time affording meals. But when ground beef went on sale, I'd splurge and buy a pound and a pack of buns, and I'd make sloppy joes. But it was never quite enough to feed the five of us (even though the children were small) so I started adding beans to the meat. Everyone loved it. And now it is everyone's favorite dinner. I make it with extra lean ground beef (or sometimes half ground turkey), tomato sauce, seasonings, and beans. The kids eat them on buns, and I eat a Sloppy Joe salad (basically bagged Romaine salad tossed with light Ranch and topped with the bean/meat mixture. So good!) We have baby carrots as a side. It's so nice to enjoy a good meal with the family and have it fit into my meal plan just fine!

*I had a HUGE cinnamon roll with frosting for breakfast!! It's ok, pick your jaw up off the floor! I ordered them from a local bakery, and they were made from freshly ground whole wheat flour AND I cut mine in half to share! It was a nice, indulgent breakfast: coffee, half of that huge cinnamon roll, fresh strawberries, and a hard boiled egg. Ahh, I really had a nice eating day. Stayed well within my calories. And am going to bike 7 miles in a few minutes. I love life!

*Yesterday we went to the store and my 17-year-old son went off on his own and bought a bag of Sun Chips and a container of frosting (!!!!!!!!!!!) I just don't buy junk anymore, and honestly the kids just don't eat much junk so I sort of laughed when I saw what he'd bought himself! Anyway, he asked if he could eat some Sun Chips in the car on the way home and share them, and I said yes. Well, let me tell you. The smell of those Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips permeating my car almost made me abandon the steering wheel and jump over the seat headfirst into that bag in a feeding frenzy! But a funny thing happened. I was driving along smelling those chips... listening to the crunching... salivating... when I noticed I was very tense. I was feeling almost a mild panicky emotion. I had a running dialogue in my head, a frantic voice saying, "No, you CAN'T have those, oh my gosh, they smell so good, I want them, I want some, I could have a FEW, how am I going to get through this, the smell is killing me, this is torture!" And when I recognized THAT, I consciously relaxed, took a breath, and told myself to SMELL THE CHIPS. I calmed down, inhaled, and I am telling you, I must have one heck of a food memory because that smell was almost like eating a bowl of Sun Chips. I thought, hey. This is almost as pleasant as EATING them. They smell so good! And smells have no calories! So I drove along, smiling, inhaling, enjoying the yummy smell of Sun Chips. And I was okay. I didn't need to eat one. I was already enjoying them enough.

That's all for now... have a super weekend!

Power

I have it. You have it. And that is not a bad thing.

When I was considering having this bracelet made a few weeks ago, I was hesitant to have the word "power" displayed on my arm for fear of the misunderstanding and judgement of others. After all, being power-hungry is not always seen as a good thing. I was raised to be meek, humble, accepting, and obedient. It was The Way, and I followed it.

As an adult, it has taken me a lot of time and reflection to break out of the "just accept it" mindset. I have often in my life felt powerless, like other people or circumstances beyond my control were driving my life and choosing my direction for me.

Not anymore.

I own my OWN power to direct my life.
I am not powerless. I am not a victim
No longer a victim of my mother's emotional issues.
No longer a victim of religious intolerance.
No longer a victim of domestic violence.
No longer a victim of poverty.
And no longer a victim of obesity.

Whatever your circumstance, you can choose not to be a victim. You are alive. Therefore, at least for today, you are a survivor.

Take back your own power to do WHATEVER it is that YOU want to do with your life. Stop waiting for someone else to change, or for circumstances to just magically "get better." MAKE them better. Make you better. The power is yours.

BEST EVER Split Pea Soup

I threw this together last night and it was fantastic! I just had to share.

~Amazing, Delicious Split Pea Soup~
2 quarts homemade chicken stock (mine was made with lots of onions, garlic, thyme, parsley, and ginger. If you use canned stock, generously season your soup accordingly. But watch the salt!)

ham bone with bits of meat attached (trim off any fat. My ham bone was pretty small, from a ham steak, and only had about 1/2 cup of meat on it, which was fine).

1/2 c. sliced baby carrots

1/2 c. diced celery

1 lb bag of dry green split peas, rinsed

1/2 tsp. marjoram

black pepper to taste

shake or two of dry mustard

dash of cayenne

Put the stock on to boil and add the ham bone. Simmer for 45 minutes to one hour. Scoop out the ham and bone and place on a plate to cool.

Add everything else to the pot and bring to a boil. Stir and turn down the heat. Simmer, covered, on low for an hour or two. Stir every so often. The peas will almost completely disintegrate. When the texture is to your liking, it's done... turn off the heat. (I have, in the past, made the mistake of not cooking my soup long enough. It really is delicious when the peas disintegrate!)

Pick the ham off the bone and put it into the soup. Serve with low fat cornbread muffins. Super good and warming on a chilly fall day! Approximately 160 calories per cup.

And FYI, check out this nutrition information on the health benefits of split peas! Amazing stuff. One cup of cooked split peas contains 16 grams of fiber, 16 grams of protein, 24% of the RDA for vitamin B1, 32% RDA for folate, 20% RDA for potassium, 39% RDA for manganese, 14% RDA for iron, and significant amounts of vitamin K, B2, B3, B6, tryptophan, phosphorus, potassium, copper, and zinc. It also contains 196% RDA of molybdenum (which is helpful in detoxifying sulfites).

I'm having a good day, but am feeling tired. I have not seen my husband in two months but he is coming for the holidays. I am going to continue on with my healthy lifestyle and absolutely insist upon respect for what I am trying to do. I am flat out determined to do this. It's my life and I own my own power to change, power to decide what goes into my mouth, and power to shape my body over time. And I am so thankful to have all of you readers cheering me on! If I could give each of you a bowl of split pea soup, I would :)

Be well.

Lose Big or Fail

As I was watching the Biggest Loser last night, I started to get scale envy. One woman lost 100 pounds in 9 weeks. Others are dropping 10 or more pounds in one week. And here I am, all thrilled that I lost 11 pounds last MONTH. I started to get annoyed with myself.

Yeah, I know those people are eating 1200 calories of chicken and vegetables each day. I know they are working out for hours on end on a level I will probably never push myself to. I mean, it's extreme. VERY extreme. I would probably hurt myself if I did that stuff.

But it isn't fair that they are losing ten pounds this week and I am only losing one or two! It bugged me. And you can see the disappointment on each of their faces if they lose 4 or 5 pounds in a week... which would be a huge thrill for most of us.

How do we get from a state of wanting HUGE losses every week in order to stay motivated, to accepting and embracing the one or two (or less) pounds per week that most of us are losing? How can we get (and stay) excited about one measly pound when we have 40, 50, 100 pounds to lose?

The answer? Don't make the pounds the measure of success. Hey, there are lots of ways to see if your body is changing: measurements, pants sizes, fat calipers. You can measure your endurance and your strength. But as excited as I get when I see the scale move down (because that IS a goal, here), I am more excited about the change in the quality of my LIFE because of what I am doing.

I am happier. I have more energy. I enjoy my food more. I can move more freely. Since cutting way back on sugar, the arthritis pain in my hands has completely disappeared. That's big! Just a couple of months ago the pain in my hands was debilitating... daily... truly affecting me. Now it is gone. Just a couple of months ago I was waking up with a headache *every single day* and wondering why I felt so blah. People were even suggesting that I might need antidepressants. But I didn't need antidepressants. I needed real food. I needed to get off that *depressing* diet of junk I was eating and onto something that feeds me physically, emotionally, mentally. My quality of life is through the roof, and it's only going to get better.

After the Biggest Loser, I thought about trying to drop ten pounds in a week. I imagined cutting back to 1200 calories, super-low-carb, and increasing my exercise by a LOT. I thought about trying to bike TWICE a day, adding weights every day, and doing aerobics on the Wii Fit every day. If I spent 2 hours, maybe 3, per day working out, maybe I could drop ten pounds this week. But you know what? It's not worth it. It is NOT worth setting aside the rest of my life... my children, my enjoyment, my *life experience*... to speed up the weight loss. It is not worth risking injuring myself or burning out. You are not a failure if you don't lose huge amounts of weight each week. Because those ten pounds? They're coming off anyway. If it takes a month or two months or a week, they are coming off. I am not in a rush; this is no race. I want my life to be enjoyable while I become healthier. And that is my focus.

On another note, I made an Asparagus Gratin for dinner last night:

It was full of fresh asparagus and mushrooms and onions, and was pretty tasty. I followed the recipe here, except I halved all the ingredients except the asparagus so it would fit into a 9" pie plate. I used Egg Beaters instead of eggs and 6 slices of Kraft 2% reduced fat Swiss cheese, chopped up. One slice (1/8 of the pie) was 100 calories. I think I could improve on this recipe, though. I'll work on it.

This morning I woke up wanting one of those big traditional breakfasts you get at a pancake house, with all the goodies on one plate. I think the commercials for iHop have been getting to me. So I made myself this:


Two pumpkin whole wheat pancakes topped with walnuts and real maple syrup, one turkey sausage, two slices of real bacon, scrambled Egg Beaters, and fruit salad. Delicious! And not a bad start to the day for 375 calories.

I know you'll ask, so:
Pancakes = 1/2 c. Krusteaz wheat & honey pancake mix + the water it calls for + scant 1/2 c pumpkin + 1T flax, cooked in Pam. Makes 5 pancakes.
1/2 T toasted walnuts, 1/2 T real maple syrup, 1/4 c Egg Beaters scrambled with Mrs. Dash table blend in Pam, 1 Jimmy Dean turkey sausage link = 40 calories, 2 slices Hormel pre-cooked, frozen bacon = 80 calories. Half cup of store-bought, pre-cut fruit.

Enjoy your day. *Truly* enjoy it, and do your best. That makes you a success.

Favorite Things, and Joy in Life

One of my favorite things to do is make stock. I know, it might seem silly. But I just love throwing those roasty chicken or turkey bones into a pot of water, looking in the fridge and finding things to throw in with them, and then boiling the tarnation out of everything. It makes the house smell lovely. Going in the kitchen and giving the stock a stir every so often just makes me happy. I love the smell when I take off the lid. I love mashing the garlic cloves against the side of the pot with the back of my wooden spoon to infuse the broth with garlicky goodness. I love knowing I am making something from stuff that otherwise would be garbage. In this case, one person's trash truly is another one's treasure.

How often have you just thrown away the bones and skin and leftover junk after you have chicken or turkey for dinner? Oh, it pains me! No bones get tossed here. How about the ends of carrots or the celery tops and leaves? Do you chop em and toss em? Sadness!! The best thing to do is this: every time you trim carrots, celery, onions, etc, throw the ends and bits into a plastic baggie in the freezer. You can freeze bones too. When you have plenty, just toss it all in a pot together and make fantastic stock... better than any canned stuff or bouillon cube you can buy!

I have the recipe for Turkey Soup and Magic Chicken Soup on this page (on the left side) but it's really the same idea. Sometimes I re-roast the bones at 425 for 15 minutes to bring out the flavor. Sometimes I don't bother. Just throw the bones in a pot. Cover with water. Today I added celery tops, garlic, half an onion, a handful of baby carrots, slices of ginger, a sprig of sage from my kitchen garden, and spices: sea salt, freshly ground black pepper, cayenne, thyme, parsley. Don't be shy with the flavoring. You can always add more water if the stock is too strong.

My stock is simmering away, making me happy. I don't even have to eat it to get the comfort it brings. But yes, eating it is good too! After 3 hours I will strain it, pour it into a container and let it sit for awhile. Then I'll remove all the fat. Then I can freeze it or make soup. I will probably make myself some Egg Drop Soup tomorrow... so easy and delicious! Just bring stock to a boil, thicken with a little cornstarch, then slowly pour in a beaten egg and simmer a minute or two. Season to taste... add scallions if you like!

You know what else makes me happy? Looking at clouds. Every day I look to see what's new. I point out the changes to my daughter. I love the colors and the striations and variations each day. Sometimes the sky is so breathtaking I want to frame it and hang it on my wall, but photos never do the real thing justice. I just *love* looking at the sky. It makes me so happy.

Tea makes me happy, too. I have a serious *thing* for tea. I have at least 50 different types of tea in my kitchen right now, I kid you not. Herbal teas, green teas, white teas, black teas, imported teas, mate teas, Rooibos teas, dessert teas. All of the teas have zero calories. Every time I go shopping and bring home a new box of tea, my son says, "MOM!! Don't you have ENOUGH teas??" They fill two very large drawers and one big tea box. I usually drink 3 or 4 cups of tea each day. I add agave to some, milk to some, honey to others. Just sitting and holding a warm mug and smelling the delicious aroma makes me happy. Sipping it is wonderful. I am going to do a whole post on my favorite teas one of these days.

And my kids. My kids make me happy. Watching my daughter dance fills my heart with joy. Some of the best times of my life have been days camping with my children or sitting in the bleachers watching my boys play baseball. I adore them, I live for them. Yes, they bring me heartache and annoyance and all manner of other emotions, but they bring me more joy than anything.

And you know what? Writing makes me happy. When I sit down here and just start plunking on the keys without any forethought and something comes out that I am proud of, it makes me very glad. I love the creations that seep out of my mind and heart through my fingers onto these pages. I rarely if ever edit anything I write (except for spellcheck). I just enjoy giving birth to *something*. Words on a page. My thoughts, going to other people. I love it.

So, you see, life is rich. It's good and it doesn't have to be about food anymore. I used to be so blanketed in food obsession and compulsions to eat that nothing else... rather, NOTHING... made me truly happy. Oh, I *thought* I'd be happy if I got that box of chocolate truffles or that fried chicken and biscuits. I even *thought* I was happy eating it. But I wasn't. I was sad. I was so sad that I look back now and wish I could reach out and hug that very sad, very lost woman who was really crying out for help, but no one could hear. She binged in darkness, behind closed doors, alone. She was oh so alone.

Now I savor many things. Food, yes. I savor my food, but I also savor the ache in my legs after I have biked 7 miles, the softness of a warm blanket over my bare arms, the lilting ballerina music my daughter plays and dances to. I embrace input from all of my senses now. My life is full of bright skies and crunchy leaves and sweet hugs. I love my life. I am happy.

A Week of Diet Food

I know a lot of people want to know HOW to lose weight. They want the details. What exactly are you eating? What kind of deprivation are you enduring? What does a person have to DO to get results?

While the answers vary for everyone, I wanted to give a little snippet of what my new healthy eating entails. Basically I am aiming to stay under 1700 calories per day (which I did) while not being hungry and enjoying my food. So this week I took some pictures of my food, to give you an idea of how "tough" healthy eating is.

For breakfast, I usually have something like this veggie, egg, bean, cheese & salsa burrito with fruit:


Or perhaps some pumpkin oatmeal with toasted walnuts, drizzled with a bit of light eggnog:


Or a scramble of eggs, spinach, turkey sausage & cheese in a tortilla:


Lunch and dinner are pretty simple. Maybe some crackers & cheese with some veggie soup:


Or a bean & cheese quesadilla, grilled in a pan in real butter:


Sometimes for a snack I have an apple spinach salad with pecans, dried cherries, & balsamic vinegar:
Or perhaps a big plate of roasted Delicata squash "fries":


And dinner might be a couple of bowls of this sausage & white bean soup, with crusty sourdough bread:


Don't forget dessert! I love this creamy dark chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream & almonds:


Or a slice of pumpkin pie, made without fat & crustless:


(Come on, why would you eat those measly bagged 100-calorie snacks when you can have that pie for 112 calories or the dark chocolate pudding for 100 calories? Add 5 calories for the fat free whipped cream. 15 calories for the almond slivers. Seriously, yum.)

Other things I ate this week: butternut squash soup, fresh fruit salad, whole wheat peanut butter toast, turkey, chicken, popcorn, and loads of vegetables. If you want to see more of what I eat, you can read it on Twitter. I always post my food there (and it shows up instantly on the left side of this blog page).

And the results? Can anyone lose weight eating such yummy food? Yes. I am down 3 pounds this week to 231. I exercised 30 minutes, five days (walking outside or biking inside). You do not have to kill yourself to see results :)

How about you? What are you eating all week? Take some pictures, show us on your blog!

Here's to a great week for us all!

Changes

Something strange happened yesterday. I was in a public restroom, washing my hands. When I turned to dry them, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror on the bathroom door. Oh my goodness. I looked.... HORRIBLE! But not horrible in the way you might think.

My size-20 jeans were so baggy and huge they were HANGING off my body. The fabric hung a few inches below my butt and made me look totally unkempt and just... BIG. I could not believe that these jeans, which were actually too tight to wear a month ago, were so huge on me. I stood there looking in the mirror and I kept pulling the fabric away from my thighs. It easily pulled a couple of inches away. There was SO much extra room in them that it looked like I could fit a ham and a couple of cats in there with me! I immediately came home and tried on the 18's... and they fit. Not even remotely tight. I must be losing inches!

Something strange happened today. I was standing in the kitchen looking in the fridge, and I put my hand on my hip. And there was something HARD there in my side. I shifted my weight and felt it again. I was trying to figure out if it was a muscle, a bone, or a tumor. Turns out it was my hip bone. Who knew? I am so used to feeling several inches of fat padding that area that I thought for a moment something was wrong with me.

I love these changes I am seeing! Now, I am off to make some delicious lentil soup for dinner. Wish you could join me!

Busy Day

I had such a good day today... and I am absolutely EXHAUSTED. Since I got in my five days of formal exercise this week, today was an "informal" exercise day (aka playing with kids) but man, did I push myself! We were gone from home before 9am, home for a short lunch break and then gone again until 5:30! We ran errands, had fun, played at parks THREE times, did quite a bit of walking and shopping. I had to take Aleve to be able to do this and my joints are killin' anyway. But it is so nice to be ABLE to do all this if I want to. I remember not so long ago when my errand limit was 2 stops. Didn't matter what they were for; if I was out doing errands, after the second stop I was exhausted and had to go home. Even if one of the stops was just going in to drop a package at the post office. My stamina was zero. Getting in and out of the car was a chore. Of course I'd then be too tired to come home and cook, so a trip to the drive-thru was always in order. What a difference from now!

When I got home I *was* famished. Once again I'd gone out without a backup snack in my purse. I have to get used to stocking almonds and protein bars in there. Anyway, home at 5:30 and I was in that "I will eat ANYTHING, get out of my way or you are dinner" mode. But I kept my head, poured some butternut squash soup from a carton, and scooped up a bowl of pre-cut mixed fruit. With a slice of crusty bread and light butter, it was a perfect meal. I felt sane again about 75% of the way through my food. And I still have plenty of calories to spare if I so choose.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest (if you call doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms 'rest.') No formal exercise, no walks to the park (well, if it is NICE out, I might just have to...). I am going to take it easy. As a matter of fact I think I will have a nice long soak in the tub tonight as a reward for a job well done all week!

Hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. If not, it's not too late to turn it around! It's never too late.

Awake and Alive!

I am feeling great today! It's cool and windy and leaves are blowing everywhere. Have I mentioned how much I *love* raking leaves? I used to dread it. It's a lot of work. And it's no fun trying to sling a rake around your 278-pound body with the protruding belly, hips and arms. I HATED raking. I would break out in a sweat within 30 seconds of trying to rake, and then I would get cranky and start bossing my kids to stop jumping in the damn leaf piles and start raking and bagging. But now, I just love to rake. The other day my daughter and I spent 20 minutes in the yard raking together, for the sole purpose of making a huge pile for her to jump in. Her laughter and sheer joy were intoxicating! I didn't *care* that she scattered leaves all over the place. I didn't *care* that we weren't bagging them. We were having fun, I got a great workout in the sunshine, and then we left the huge pile to be re-scattered by the wind for more raking fun later in the week. (Yeah, I better get bagging though, as the giant maple still has more than half its leaves left on the branches!)

I've met some goals this week that I made for November:
1) I ate between 1200 and 1700 calories per day, each day this week
2) I increased my exercise (aiming for 5x/week) by walking 40+ minutes twice and biking 30 minutes twice. (Plan to bike again tonight).
3) Dropped the coffee and switched to tea. I really wanted my coffee this morning, but once I got the tea made I enjoyed that just as well!

I am still completely OFF sodas and fast food. We had a breakdown moment in the car yesterday, where my preschooler asked for McDonald's and then, when I declined, wailed, "WHY don't you ever take me to McDonald's??? You USED to take me all the time! I want chicken nuggets! No I don't want them from HOME! WHY aren't you taking me to McDonald's anymore??" But I presevered, came home, baked her some nuggets and fries and she was just fine. Baby steps...

Today I can't wait to get outside in the sunshine and play with my girl. Each day is a gift. The sun feels so good on my skin and I feel so alive!

Life is good, I am happy. I hope you, too, are *awake* and enjoying life. Have a SUPER weekend!

Dog in a Basket, or Old Habits Die Hard

I have a little dog that I got for my children when they were very small. Eleven years ago, Santa brought this tiny thing the size of a hamster into our lives, and he weaseled his way into our hearts. He goes on vacation with us (usually), he adores my children, he defends our home with his life. A loyal pup. And he sleeps on laundry.

Back when we got this dog, I was a struggling single mother. I was working or going to school constantly for a couple of years, and I hate to admit that the state of my home was rather chaotic. It was all I could do to keep up with the dishes and basic cleaning; I'd be up til 2am doing homework and washing clothes for all five of us. As a result, I always had baskets of clean laundry all over the living room. Didn't matter what day or time it was, if you showed up at my house, I'd be racing around trying to stash 4 or 5 baskets of clothes and towels into a back bedroom so you could come in and have room to walk. It went on like this for years. I just never had TIME to fold everything and put it away. So, the clothes and towels, sheets and blankets all sat clean in baskets.

The dog, as soon as he was able, learned that a nice warm basket of fresh clothing is a lovely place to sleep. And sleep he did! Burrowed into the towels, nose poking up through the socks. The dog was always in a basket.

Years passed. I got my act together. I taught my children, from the age of 8 up, how to wash and dry and put away their OWN laundry (a skill I know their future wives will appreciate). When life was less busy, I was able to start really keeping up with the housework. Towels got folded, my clothes were put away. Baskets were empty in the laundry room, and the dog was much displeased. We bought him an ultra soft, cushy dog bed. He liked it! But given the choice between a piece of clothing dropped on the floor and his cozy dog bed, he chose the clothing. We would often walk into the living room to find the dog lying on top of one stray sock, with the dog bed sitting empty in the corner.

The other day, my son brought up a basket of clothing that no longer fits him. He set the basket by the fireplace, and IMMEDIATELY the dog was in the clothes. Even when my daughter tucked him in and wrapped a fuzzy pink scarf around his neck, he stayed in the clothes. He looks so happy there, I don't quite have the heart to move it yet. But soon, he will be a basketless dog once again, relegated to lying on an old sock or washcloth on the cold, hard floor.

Are you like a dog in a basket, hanging on to old habits that no longer work for you? I know I was. Shoving food into my mouth instead of dealing with emotions was habit for so many years. It was comforting. It worked for me... but had consequences. I got fat. I gained 80 pounds in less than a year, and stayed morbidly obese for a very long time. And then when I *had* to stop bingeing... for my health, for my sanity, for my children... I had no warm basket of clothes to lay in.

My new healthy eating habits are much like a soft cozy bed... a fine replacement for a basket of clothes. But do I look at those cookies, those candies, that ice cream, and want to use it as a crutch? As a small but temporary comfort to remind me of the old binges? I do, sometimes. I read other people's accounts of eating cookies or pizza and I WANT IT. I think it isn't fair. I want to eat what I want. I want junk. I want to binge. I think, "I can do it for ONE day. I will go buy junk, whatever I want and eat it all day for old times' sakes and then I will get right back to healthy eating." But isn't that sorta like the dog, lying on a stinking SOCK for comfort instead of in his nice soft dog bed?? Yeah, it kind of is! It's habit, it makes no sense. Why would I choose those foods over what I am eating ... and ENJOYING ... now? Old habits die hard.

Thankfully, I'm a tad bit smarter than the dog. If he wants to give up his snuggly posh bed for an old sock once in awhile, so be it. But I am not giving up my comfortable, happy, healthy new way of eating to go back to some old sugary junk food binge. Not even for a day.

In My Happy Place, or, Out of the Sugar Fog

As I've mentioned before, I grew up back east. I lived in a place where fall meant a rainbow of colors on the trees; you'd walk out the door and your eyes would be dazzled by leaves of every color. I admit I took it for granted as a kid; I thought fall looked like that EVERYWHERE. But it doesn't. In some places, leaves just basically turn brown and fall off. And some places don't have many trees, or the forests are conifers that simply remain evergreen.

I moved away from home... far, far away... when I was 18 years old. The place I was living out west was flat and dry and brown. Very brown. So there were pretty much two seasonal colors: green, and brown. Later I moved to a new state where conifers ruled, and I lamented the lack of colorful fall leaves.

For more than ten years I've lived here. I "hated" fall. I "hated" winter. My favorite season was summer, followed by spring. Fall sucked because it got cold and there wasn't enough sunlight and everything was dying.

Ten years of hibernating at the first sign of fall. Ten years of stuffing food in my face for 6 months out of the year because everything just sucked. I stayed inside, shut the curtains, and bided my time until spring.

Last week I took a walk. I've been taking lots of walks lately, and I discovered something. THERE ARE FALL COLORS HERE. It is actually GORGEOUS here in the fall. I've lived here for over ten years and never noticed.

The trees are turning all shades of gold, orange, and red:

Bright scarlet patches here and there...


Gorgeous gold against chalk-white bark...


Orange as a sunset...


Giant splashes of crimson...


... and more gold.


The colors and textures combine to create something truly beautiful:

All of this and more has surrounded me for YEARS. I was oblivious to the sights, sounds, and smells of fall that now bring me joy. The crunch of leaves and their wonderful scent as I walk is intoxicating. I find myself staring in awe at what has been here all along. LIFE.

How did I miss it? How did I not know? The same way we miss everything else when we are comatose on the couch with a bag of Oreos: sugar fog. When one is immersed in FOOD... junky, chemically, sugary, fatty food... I swear it dulls the senses. Colors don't look as bright. Nothing feels as good. Everything is just so blah, or worse yet, depressing. Life looks bland, or unhappy, or hopeless. It's like we have some kind of mask over our eyes limiting our vision... or maybe it's more like putting on a pair of extra-dark sunglasses streaked with smudges. The intensity of everything we experience... of LIFE... is dulled.

Freed from the sugar fog, I am in my happy place. Every day is a joy, even the ones that are hard. I have a new appreciation for life, for my children, for every leaf and plant and cloud I see each day. Colors are brighter now, I swear. It's like I've gone from a black-and-white existence to technicolor awareness. I am so happy. I can't even express how changed I feel.

Please, if you live in the sugar fog, know that life does not have to BE like that. There is so much joy waiting for each of us, if we will only try. Don't let another fall pass you by, imagining it to be a season only of brown and death. Wake up, see the colors, embrace YOUR life.

Coffee Down the Drain

This morning I threw away 3 partial bags of flavored coffee and dumped 2 containers of flavored creamers down the drain. Enough is enough... that creamer junk has 40 calories per TABLESPOON and I was adding 2-3 T per cup of coffee. I like my coffee supersweet, and after adding half a cup of 2% milk plus the creamer I was getting about 200 calories in my morning beverage ALONE. Add to that the occasional afternoon coffee and we have 400 calories in COFFEE in a day. Not good. So away it goes. No more of this.

I used to drink Chai tea every morning (with milk and agave, well under 100 calories) but have gotten lazy and indulgent of myself with the coffee. I'm going back to my morning tea and eventually cutting back on the agave nectar in that as well. And whenever I have extra cups of tea (green tea or whatever) I do not add milk or sweeteners.

If I want a coffee so badly, I can go get one at Starbucks once a week.

I think this change will help my weight loss efforts.

Real post coming later today :)

Encounter With Chocolate

Yesterday I had a candy bar. I had one candy bar out of a CASE of candy bars that showed up nonchalantly with a slight, smug smile on my doorstep. In fact, said case came waltzing into my home unannounced over two weeks ago, and has been sitting hidden in my cupboard, wondering why I hadn't eaten it yet. Well, why hadn't I? And why hadn't I thrown them all out or given them away at Halloween or something?

When I was a little girl, I lived back east. I had a real affinity for candy bars. My mother did, too. I remember, as I've mentioned before, how my father would buy her a large box of chocolates and she would sit in her recliner with the open box tucked protectively beside her, one arm curled defensively around it as if to ward off any sneaky fingers who tried to pry a chocolate from her presence. I never understood it, as mine were the only fingers nearby, and were far from sneaky. Stealing or sneaking a piece of her candy was as far from my mind as shoplifting; after all, God was watching. My father didn't like candy, save for the very rare treat of Whoppers malted milk balls, so her chocolates were safe from him as well. Yet there she sat, looking like a crazed hyena tearing into a carcass that it didn't want to share.

I'd watch her for awhile, and then tentatively ask, "Can I have one, please?" I remember how she looked at me like I'd asked her to grant me three wishes or give me the keys to her kingdom, appalled at the audacity of such a small child. And then, she's scowl and pick through the chocolates, eventually handing me one. "Don't ask for anymore!" she'd say. "Your FATHER bought these for ME!" Is it any wonder that as an adult, I'd buy entire boxes of chocolates and eat them alone... even the ones I didn't like... in 15 minutes flat?

Anyway, as a child, at my school they'd have fundraisers. During these fundraisers, kids would sell Peanut Butter Meltaway Bars. They are what they sound like, and if you have never tried one I implore you not to EVER let one pass your lips. The ensuing insanity and addiction will haunt you forever. But I was a child, and I wanted candy, and I bought candy with my lunch money and ate Peanut Butter Meltaways every chance I got. They were my favorite candy EVER.

Fast forward to now. I live in the west, where 'real' Peanut Butter Meltaways cannot be found, unless you want to pay an arm and a leg for shipping. And that's fine with me. When I travelled back east this summer, I did, in fact, track down some Meltaways at a specialty store and bought a pound and a half of them "for old time's sake." I wanted my kids to try them and I wanted to enjoy something that reminded me of my childhood. Only, the pound *I* ate only lasted about 5 seconds. Yeah, it's like that. But I would never see them again, anyway, so it was okay.

Last month when a friend sent me a gift, I was excited. I love surprises! Until I opened the box and saw TWO POUNDS of Peanut Butter Meltaways, shipped from back east. Oh lord. Now what?? I could NOT throw away Peanut Butter Meltaways. It would be like a sacrilege to my childhood! But I couldn't eat them either. At 270 calories for ONE tiny, 1.25-ounce bar, it is just not worth the cost. And could I stop at one? Have I EVER? I knew I could easily eat a full pound, maybe even more, in one sitting. And that was 3500 calories I did *not* want in my body. So I stuck them in the cabinet and told myself to leave them alone.

I didn't even look at them for two weeks. I considered giving them to someone but there was this weird, emotional attachment to these dumb candies. The memories, the thoughts of my childhood. I truly have *so little* of my childhood that any scrap of familiarity is embraced in a rather unreasonable manner. I don't have my mom, or my dad, or any brothers or sisters or grandparents. I don't have much *stuff* and not many pictures. But I have candy bars. Candy bars that take me back somehow. I *could not* do ANYTHING with these candies! So they sat.

Yesterday, after successfully avoiding *all* Halloween candy (which was my goal), my mind once again went to those candies in the cupboard. I wanted to eat one. ONE. Not all of them. I considered it. I looked at my calories. I felt my feelings: stable enough. Nothing big going on to set me off. I figured I'd try it. I'd have a meltaway.

I waited until my kids were all in school. I wanted to *feel* any feelings associated with this candy. I wanted to experience it fully, not just inhale it. I sat myself down with this little candy and unwrapped it. I looked at its shiny brown surface and remembered how pretty I thought they were as a child. I took a small bite. It was good. I ate it verrrry slowly, taking small bites, letting it melt on my tongue and trying to taste every molecule. I wanted to make it last for ten minutes, but that was painfully slow for me. It took about 3 minutes to eat, which is probably a record for me. Less than a minute was the norm, long ago.

Something interesting happened as I was eating it. When I took the first bite, I looked at the creamy middle and for *just a split second* I had this raging "IWANTTOEATTHEWHOLEBOX" feeling come over me. It was the "binge" trigger feeling. I sat with it and let it go. I didn't hold onto it or let it overtake me. It drifted away quietly like a bottle on the sea. I continued eating the Meltaway, thinking about being a kid, thinking about whether or not it was as good as I remembered (it was not, although it was very good, it seemed too sweet and not as flavorful as I remembered). When I was done with it, I logged the calories, assessed what I would eat for dinner, and drank a big glass of water. And I did not even consider eating any more of them.

When my kids came home, I gave them each some of the candy. "This is very special candy," I explained. "You can only get it back east. It was my favorite candy when I was a child." They looked unimpressed, just wanting me to turn it over so they could eat it. It obviously was *just* a candy bar to them. But I pressed on, trying not so much to convince them of the Meltaway's intrinsic specialness as to convince *myself* that I could let it go and they would *appreciate* what a special gift I was giving them. Or rather, how difficult it was for me emotionally to let it go. "You can't buy these out here," I said. "Don't just gulp it down. Eat it slowly and enjoy it, okay? These were my FAVORITE." And with that, half of the candy was gone, turned over to kids who would probably treat it like a Reese's cup (blasphemy) because (thankfully) my kids have NO emotional attachments to food whatsoever. Food is food, you eat it, it tastes good, it fuels you. So what? It's just food. I wish I felt that way.

I'm getting better though. I see huge changes here. A couple of years ago I would have eaten all of that candy in a flash, in an emotional, mind-numbing binge. I would not have been "able" to resist it. Not for two weeks, not even for a day. And once I tried ONE I would not have stopped until I was lying on the sofa in a heap, surrounded by candy wrappers and smelling like a peanut butter factory.

I am different now. I am working through all of the weird emotional attachments I have to food and I am letting them go. A Peanut Butter Meltaway does *not* bring my parents back from the dead. It does not make me ten years old again, and it does not erase thirty years of painful events. It's just a candy bar, even if it IS kinda special to me. I can give it away. I can even THROW it away, now that I have processed the feelings, although I've decided to just let them *be* in the cabinet for now. They aren't bothering me. I stayed within my calories yesterday. I walked a mile and a half. I had my candy bar. I grew up a little bit.

Scale says: 232.