Candy Craze

What a day! I am wiped out!

From the moment I ran out the door with my kids this morning, I've pretty much been on my feet. Haircuts, shoe shopping, last minute Halloween shopping. Then I took one of my boys to do some work for a friend, and while he was there the rest of us walked down to a little Cafe for lunch. I had heard that this place has great soup, so I was looking forward to a nice big bowl of something yummy: maybe some lentil soup, or bean soup, or vegetable soup. Alas, it was all cream. Cream of this, cream of that, Block-of-Cheese-Melted-with-Butter-and-Cream soups. Bah. I saw a nice veggie sandwich on the menu, though, and figured I could have that and a small cup of Reuben Soup and be fine. I've made Reuben soup at home before... loved it... full of sauerkraut and veggies. Well, this soup was a LOT thicker and creamier than mine, but it was only about 3/4 cup and it WAS tasty! The sandwich made me mad. I forgot to ask about BREAD TYPES and they brought it on plain ol' white bread. Not even homemade or crusty; just the cheapo fluffo tasteless white slice type. The fillings were good, though: avocado, mushrooms, spinach, sprouts, tomato, cucumbers. Live and learn.

After lunch we decided to walk to the park. Played there for awhile, then walked back to get my son. Then it was off for more errands, and by the time we got home there was no time to make the dinner I'd planned before leaving for the Halloween party. We changed and off we went again!

This is where it gets interesting. Now, usually, in the past, Halloween and any associated gatherings have been ALL ABOUT the candy. I mean, heck, even when it was NOT Halloween, it was all about the candy. Every time I walked into the vet's office and saw that darn dish of Hershey Kisses on the counter, I'd be trying to figure out just how to grab as many as possible without anyone seeing. Receptionist turned her head? Grab some candy. Went to make copies? Grab some candy. She saw me? Laugh, make a comment about it being "for the kids." Yeah. Life was ALL about the candy.

So here we are at this Halloween party, surrounded by candy being handed out left and right to kids and adults alike. My daughter was having the time of her life playing the little carnival games and every time they told her she could choose a candy as a prize, her eyes got bigger and bigger and she'd say, "WOW! THANK YOU!" She saw more candy tonight than she ever had in her LIFE! As her punkin bucket got fuller and fuller she was just amazed at all the candy. I looked around. Kids EVERYWHERE were shoving the stuff in their faces, eating it as fast as they could get it. Like my older kids used to. And I didn't mind. I was all about sneaking mini candy bars into my pockets and eating them on the sly back then.

We walked into the next room and there was a cupcake walk, a cookie decorating station, and a hot dog dinner. I already knew there'd be a hot dog dinner and figured it would do for my daughter for tonight. She LOVES hot dogs and they are a very rare treat. I walked up to the counter. There were bags of chips of every kind: potato chips, BBQ chips, Doritos in ten flavors, Cheetos, on and on. There were rows upon rows of soda cans: root beer, Coke, Sprite, Diet, fruity flavors. Your hot dog meal came with chips and a soda. Oh dear. I don't let my kid have soda. And although she really enjoys chips, we don't keep those in the house either. Well, I decided to get her the plain potato chips and ask for some juice, which they DID have behind the soda. I glanced over and saw bottled water and apples. That's what I bought for myself: an apple and water.

We sat down to eat. In prior years, I'd have eaten a hot dog and then sat eagle-eyed waiting for the split second when my daughter declared she was 'full' so I could wolf down the rest of her meal as well. I have a thing for hot dogs. I watched her eat and I decided right then: I am not going to eat any of that hot dog. No chips. No sweets. I enjoyed my apple, and when she was done I threw away the rest of her hot dog and saved her chips for tomorrow. Then I asked her (since it is a holiday and I wanted to let her be a kid), "do you want to do the cupcake walk? You get a cupcake at the end."

"No thanks," she said. "I don't really want a cupcake." (What?! Wow... my others kids never, NEVER in their LIVES turned down a cupcake. But then again, what example did they have from their mother who would eat three or four cupcakes given the chance?)

Later on she decided she wanted to decorate a cookie. She is a sweet little budding artist, always drawing and painting, so this was no surprise. She made a beautiful cookie with sprinkles and she sat down with me and ate it. I watched her. After about 2 bites she needed to drink half my water bottle. "Wow," she said, "That cookie makes me really thirsty." She is not used to so much sugar. Isn't that cool?

We came home and then, of course, we trick-or-treated our block. She had a lot of fun showing off her costume and talking to the neighbors. We came home with her bucket full of candy. And here is where it gets REALLY crazy.

Scene at my house, Halloween night, for most of the last decade:
Children racing in, dumping pillowcases full of candy onto the living room floor and eating as much as they could before they felt sick. Me hovering over them, asking for one of these or one of those. Them giving me anything I asked for PLUS anything in their bag that they didn't especially like. All of us bathing out innards with chocolate until 10pm. And all of the candy gone within 3 days flat.

Scene at my house, tonight:
Older kids gone having fun at sleepovers and playing games with their friends.
Little girl looking over her punkin full o' candy, asking if she may please have ONE, and then choosing her ONE candy, eating it, saying thank you, and going to bed.
Mommy taking a long hot bath, eating a string cheese, and going to bed (soon).

Big difference.

We had SO MUCH FUN *without* the stupid candy insanity! And tomorrow, I am going to have little paper "tickets" available for my daughter to trade her candy for. She can keep any candy she likes and have it on RARE occasion (I am betting she will keep less than 10 pieces) and all the rest, she can trade for tickets which she can use to "buy" a new little toy from the store.

I love the fun with my kids but I am glad Halloween is over. I am thrilled to go into November with a new, healthier outlook and *life.* So much better than going into November in a candy stupor.

What did you choose?

You can always choose better today.

What Not To Do

Do *not* go out shopping and running errands for hours on end over the noon hour without any healthy snacks or lunch in your vehicle. Do not come home famished and start going through the fridge and cabinets because if you do not eat RIGHT NOW you are going to DIE. Do not proceed to eat a banana, Jif peanut butter, a Fiber One key lime yogurt, and a high fiber granola bar for lunch. It is TOO MUCH sugar and not enough protein and you WILL feel sick!

That said, I am thankful that
a) I did not stop for fast food
b) I did not buy junk at the store
c) I did not have junk to grab at home
d) I got plenty of fiber today, and
e) I am still well within my calorie guidelines for the day.

Have a super fun Halloween weekend!

Things Are Different

I woke up this morning with *raging* PMS and soon was facing a similarly raging daughter. Okay, she wasn't exactly raging, but she decided that SCREAMING... shrieking, in fact... is a fun pasttime even when one is sitting on time out for it. Thirty minutes later, my ears were ringing, my guts were cramping, I had a backache and a headache and my nerves were SHOT. I felt like someone had been doing nails on a chalkboard next to my head for a half hour. My coffee sat cold and untouched; I couldn't enjoy it so I didn't drink it. After the child finally stopped her assault on my eardrums, she was happy and calm as could be. I, on the other hand, was a bundle of unpleasantness and literally felt like my nerves were "shorting out," going, bzzt... bzzzt under my skin.

I sat to chill. I distracted myself with some reading until I felt better, warmed up my coffee and gave myself a fresh start. And my day has gone better... quite well in fact... since then.

I do remember a time when I actually used to cope with this kind of nerve-wracking stuff with FOOD. Yes, I did. Is there anything that food wasn't the solution for back then? I remember when my boys were little and would occasionally misbehave. Such angels, my children, but once in awhile they were loud or defiant or argumentative. Being an only child, I seem to have a low tolerance for chaos and noise. A bunch of children are loud... they move a lot, they make a lot of mess and insanity at times. Coming from a background where my home was quiet, orderly, structured, and peaceful turned me on my head. I had been used to coming home to silence or maybe TV, sitting down with a book and reading for hours with no disturbance. After I had four of my kids, there was almost NEVER silence. It was crazy noisy. I loved it on some levels but I also felt my brain shorting out once in awhile. If one of them was acting up, I used time out. And can you guess what I would be doing during the 4 minutes that they were on the time out chair? That's right, I was in the kitchen violently shoving food down my throat in an effort to get control over my feelings of being overwhelmed. When they misbehaved, I'd deal with it but in between I would eat thousands of calories. It got to the point that whenever one of the boys started yelling or jumping off furniture or throwing their trucks off the deck, I'd run for a candy bar before I'd handle the issue. Whenever I had to discipline them, I was immediately in the kitchen for a slice of pizza. It was automatic. Stress over kids became a trigger to eat.

I didn't realize it until hours later, but while I was dealing with my daughter's screaming for 30 minutes this morning, I NEVER ONCE even got an URGE to go shove food in my mouth. Not for one second did I even consider using food to cope! I am astounded. This is really significant to me. Not that I didn't DO it, but that I didn't even THINK of doing it! That means things have changed. REALLY changed!

My daughter and I went on to have a lovely, pleasant day in which she showed me her very best behavior and manners. I had my oatmeal and took her to gymnastics. Afterwards we went shopping and then stopped for lunch. For the first time in three weeks, she asked for McDonald's!! Remember when she asked EVERY DAY?? I told her no, but we can go someplace nice. We stopped at a little place that has good food and nice scenery. She got her sandwich with hummus and potato wedges. I got a lovely, big salad: piles of romaine tossed with fresh sliced apples, mesquite grilled chicken breast, crumbled blue cheese, bacon, and candied pecans with honey mustard dressing. I enjoyed this immensely with a slice of warm, crusty baguette and a bit of butter. So delicious!

Life's so enjoyable now, even when I have PMS (which, by the way, is bad but not nearly as bad as it was when I was eating junk). Life is nice even when my daughter has an off morning; I rebound from the chaos a lot faster than I used to and don't let it affect my entire day. I know I am a better mother because of this. I am a better person.

I am just so happy, cramps, backache, bloating, and all! This journey is so much more than losing weight. It is gaining *life*!

Wrappers

I woke up, stumbled out of bed with a raging headache, and hobbled to the bathroom. The bright lights hurt my eyes, so I kept the curtains drawn and the lights dimmed as I drug myself out to the kitchen to fix myself a cup of tea. Squinting, I took my tea to the living room in the near-darkness, plopped down on the couch, and read blogs until I woke up. I got inspired. I am doing pretty well with the eating. I'm going to keep eating right today.

Taking my empty cup to the sink, I flipped on the light and gasped. A greasy plate in the sink, a burrito wrapper lying on the counter. Oh yeah. I got hungry and ate a burrito last night. Ugh! I turned to throw the wrapper away and an empty Ben & Jerry's ice cream pint stared me in the face from the top of the trash. The sticky chocolate drips in the container remind me: I ate the whole pint last night after the burrito. I shut the trash can lid and sigh. Turning to the counter, I spot the cellophane from two mini pizzas. Oh yeah, those too. I roll my eyes and go back to the living room where there's a pile of mini candy bar wrappers surrounding my laptop. Tears form in my eyes. Why is it like this? Why is this so hard?

That was the scene many a morning over the past decade: I'd wake up thinking I was still doing "good" on my diet, only to have my memory jolted by a plethora of wrappers, boxes and containers strewn like fall leaves throughout my house. Like a drunk waking up from a bender, I'd groan when I saw so many reminders of what I had done the night before. I actually forgot that I had binged. It was not in my memory when I awoke, and the only way I knew what had happened was by the wrappers.

I hated it. I hated doing great with my eating and exercise for a few days and then BAM, somehow I'd lose it and go on a nighttime binge after a good solid day of healthy eating. I'd go to bed and then in the morning wake up feeling rather ill, but with no recollection of what I'd done. Then I'd see all the evidence, remember, and feel devastated. Why, oh why do I do this?

I don't anymore. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed... as refreshed as a non-morning-person can feel, anyway. No headache, no hobbling. I made my tea and knew EXACTLY what I had eaten in the last 24 hours because I habitually log it all on sparkpeople and tweet it on Twitter:

Breakfast was coffee with Butter Pecan creamer, a Carb Balance tortilla filled with scrambled Egg Beaters, turkey sausage, asparagus, leeks, and light cheese, with some green tea.
Lunch was spicy Thai tuna on a slice of whole wheat bread with light mayo, an apple, a serving of Triscuits and an ounce of cheddar.
Snacks were Fiber One key lime pie yogurt, coffee with milk and half & half, and an Apple Crisp granola bar.
Dinner was butternut squash soup with chicken mushroom sausage and broccoli.
Dessert was dark chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream and slivered honey roasted almonds.
1546 calories.

And you know what? I remember every bite. There are no surprises when I look back over my intake. I don't think, "Hmmm, I vaguely remember eating that!" No. I remember each sweet juicy bite of that apple, every creamy rich taste of that pudding, the way the crunchy almonds felt on my tongue, because when I eat now, I am *aware.* I am present in the moment, enjoying my food. I am not mindlessly shoving it in at such a rapid pace that I can't even bother to throw wrappers in the trash and have no recollection of any enjoyment from my food. In fact, it has been well over a month since the last time I woke up to wrappers.

Wake up. Don't live in a sugar fog. Life is SO good when you are *in it.* Make every moment count.

Control and Binge Eating

You know what? I am going to be okay. Funny, coming from ME when it is my friend who needs to be okay...

A big part of binge eating disorder and other "control issue" disorders is the dichotomy of a) feeling completely out of control as you shovel food into yourself against your own real wishes and b) feeling a sense of control when shoveling that food in because you can choose to eat ANY food you want to in whatever amount you desire to. It's like the life chaos becomes eating chaos, but somehow it translates into feeling in control because "I can have whatever I want."

For most of the past decade, I have become somewhat food-irrational whenever I am faced with a emotional crisis in my life. Loss, abandonment, fear, all of that. My father died, I flipped out. I hadn't yet learned to binge. My mother died, I flipped out, and I binged like I never binged before. Divorce, cancer scares, sick kids, I binged. I'd get triggered by some comment or thought and start feeling scared and alone and I'd shove food into my body until I couldn't even *feel* anymore. Being so big and heavy and solid and stuffed made me feel *grounded.* In control. When I was, in fact, completely *out* of control.

Last night I flipped out but I didn't eat. In fact, my stomach was in knots and I couldn't have eaten if I wanted to. My appetite has left me, although I am eating to nourish myself. But after a night of crazy dreams and tears I woke up, took a deep breath, and said, look self. This is not about you. He needs your strength and your support, and flipping out will upset HIM. This is the time to be truly *in control* of not only your actions but your emotions. He is quite ill, not a great prognosis due to other health issues. Time to be strong for HIM.

I can be sad, but I am not going to be desperate, crazy, and focused on MY issues and MY fears. For the first time in my adult life I feel like I am capable of having a normal reaction to crisis and grief. I have no desire to *eat* as a coping mechanism. I do continue wishing I could run. Maybe a good long walk will suffice for now.

I am more driven than ever to lose this weight and be healthy and beautiful and strong... to continue to be the woman he has always believed me to be... the woman I truly am.

p.s.... prayers for Dave are appreciated.

tears

I had a good day. I decided to bike. I hopped on late, feeling quite content and proud of myself. Six minutes into my ride, the phone rang. My best friend was diagnosed with kidney failure. Congestive heart failure. He is downplaying it but is also training someone to take his job.

I feel like I cannot breathe. This friend of mine has loved me for almost 12 years, unconditionally, has been the one who is always there to give me support and tell me I am good and strong and intelligent and beautiful. I feel like I am almost having a panic attack. The tears are filling up my soul and I feel like screaming. In fact if I could run, I would go out into the darkness and run and run and run until I couldn't run anymore.

He HAS to be okay. I need him in my life. He is going to live. He IS going to live...

Blah

I am feeling kind of "blah" and "ick" today. It's raining and cold and when I took my daughter to preschool, I got soaked. I usually go walking twice a week while she is in preschool, but today I came home and sulked instead. I'd have walked if not for the rain, but I resigned myself to an evening bike ride (indoors) instead.

I looked at the calendar and saw that yes, it is in fact PMS week. It's just barely creeping up on me, though... no cravings or insane emotions yet... just a general "eh, blah" sort of thing. Plan to get more rest, drink more hot tea, and spend time taking care of ME.

I ate well yesterday and this morning the scale showed a pound drop, so that's a good thing. I am eating well today, too. I found a chunk of ribeye in the freezer and am thawing it on the counter. I plan to cook it up with lots of veggies and have a moderate portion for dinner. Ribeye is fatty, so I'll watch my calories on this stuff plus stay low carb for dinner.

Blah, blah, blah. Maybe I will lift weights tomorrow. I am doing fine on the eating front, though. In fact, in looking a little closer at the blahs, I realise it is more of a desire to just be still, rest, and sip tea. It's not a sadness. That's a good change from times past, when I felt uncontrollably sad and desperate in the PMS days and spent many hours trying to find just the right food to assuage my feelings. Now I feel mildly happy and content, dampened by a blanket of blah hormones.

Have to run, kid needs a time out.

Blip

Yesterday, I had an "episode." A blip, I've decided to call it. It was somewhat reminiscent of what used to be a binge, with a definite emotional trigger and some out-of-control feelings surfacing. Coming from someone who used to binge weekly, if not more often, to the tune of 5,000-10,000 calories at a shot, this was quite a miniature "binge." But I need to address it just the same.

It has been over a month now since I had ANY kind of binge, blip, or out-of-control emotion associated with eating. That's very exciting to me. It feels great to have a grip on what used to be something way, way bigger than myself. But what happened yesterday, it gave me pause. It reminded me that I am not invincible. I am not "cured." I have to really watch it.

Part of my recovery efforts has been to examine my triggers and emotions when my eating goes awry, and this time it was not too difficult to pinpoint the moment of flip-out-age and uncover the underlying emotions that led me to use food as a band-aid. I was having a GREAT day, eating healthy, taking my kids around to their various events. I took my daughter to a pumpkin patch for a couple of hours and had a wonderful time walking around, climbing hay bales, going on a hay ride, enjoying the petting zoo. We'd been out all day and the kids had begged for fast food at lunchtime, but I have sworn off that poison, so we stopped and got some food at the grocery store. I had two baked chicken thighs, a small container of light broccoli salad, and half a fresh pear with a bottle of water. I made it very low-carb because I planned to have a little treat at the pumpkin patch, which I did: honey cashew ice cream. I got the tiny dish, enjoyed about half, and threw the rest away. It fit into my calorie budget fine and, contrary to what some sugar-abstinents might think, was *not* the trigger to my blip. I had no, absolutely no cravings or insanity at any point all month when having an *occasional* sweet treat. You'll have to just trust me on this one.

So we came home. I had a healthy dinner planned. I felt great! Everything was wonderful. Then I got a phone call from someone who said something that really was innocuous and not hurtful but when I got off the phone, I flipped. I felt like crying. I wanted to run and order a pizza and shove the whole thing down my throat. It was a very powerful, distinct, horrible feeling of near-panic. I had tears in my eyes, I was pacing the house, I was really upset and could NOT figure out why. My son had just made a frozen pizza and there was some on the stove. I ran in there and cut half a piece and ate it. I went out of the kitchen. I wanted a WHOLE pizza. I wanted the zombie feeling of just INHALING an insane amount of food. Instead, I sat down and wrote an email to a friend. While I was writing, it suddenly DAWNED on my exactly why I was upset. It had to do with my past, my relationship with my mother, and my deep-seated feelings of abandonment because of the way she treated me before her death. In many ways I felt like a little kid screaming, "Why can't you just love me? Why?" And I was trying to stuff those intense feelings down with food.

Knowing that didn't stop the feelings, though, and before an hour had passed I ate the other half of that piece of pizza. I ate 3 crumbled potato chips I found lying in the bottom of a small bag one of my kids had eaten a week ago and left lying around. I was acutely aware of my desperation as I dug those 3 chips out of there, ate them, and threw the bag away. Brownie batter flitted through my mind. I said, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!" I don't have any sugar here anyway. I knew if I had ANY "bad" food in the house I would have eaten it, as evidenced by those chip crumbs, so I am glad there was nothing. I wanted to keep eating and I made a small plate of Triscuit crackers and melted 2 ounces of cheddar on them. After I ate that, I felt better, but I wanted to keep eating. I had a granola bar and a cup of tea and told myself, "THAT IS IT, you are stopping now and adding up ALL those calories." And I did. I ended up eating 2400 calories yesterday which is 700 over my goal range. I sat down afterwards, thought about the feelings, and made a plan for today so that one blip doesn't turn into a downhill slide backwards.

My friend reminded me that I was already battling some fear and uncertainty recently over stuff the estranged spouse is doing/saying. True, I've been stressed about that. Maybe the phone call yesterday just put me over the edge in the coping department.

So that's the blip, it did not derail me. My mindset has not gone back to the way it was before. I woke up (with very, very little sleep because of a crazy, malfunctioning, hard-wired smoke alarm last night that refused to stop alarming until 4am) and I feel just as committed and positive about my healthy eating as I have all month. I have a plan, I am going to cut back to 1200-1300 calories today and fit in a bike ride or a good, LONG walk. I am making a pot of collard greens today and very much looking forward to it!

I've been served notice by my own body that my stress level needs to be lowered, so I will...
get more sleep
talk to friends about my feelings
RELAX
exercise
...to de-stress.

Scale is up 2 pounds this morning from yesterday, which I interpret as 1 pound of food still in my body from last night, and 1 pound of water bloat from all the sodium. It'll drop off shortly.

/blip

Holiday Trap

It's one week until Halloween, and for *some* of us, that means a constant binge on candy for days on end. It used to be that as soon as those huge bags of orange-and-brown wrapped candies hit the supermarket shelves, I was buying up bags "on sale" so I could "give them to the trick-or-treaters." Problem was, none of those bags ever lasted long enough to make it to Halloween night, and I was forever running back to the grocery store for *more* bags to replace the ones I'd eaten. I just couldn't stay out of them. They're so FUN, those Fun Size candies. I spent many a day surrounded by teeny wrappers, because, after all, each one was just a bite or two so it was easy to justify shoving a few more into my mouth. How bad could they be? They're so little! So fun!

That wasn't enough, though. You'd think that by Halloween I'd be sick to death of candy but NOOOO. I'd take my little kids all over town trick-or-treating, then come home and hover over them, salivating, as they dumped their loot onto the living room floor to evaluate their haul. Each kid would have a pillowcase full. They'd do some trading, they'd smile and offer Mommy some peanut butter cups and Hershey bars, because I raised thoughtful, generous children. Mommy would eat everything she was offered and then say, "Did you get any Heath bars?" Mommy would tell them they had TOO MUCH candy in their bags, so they should pick out half to save for later. Mommy would bag up the "later" candy for the cupboard, and then eat all the good stuff out of it the next day. And then when the kiddies went to school, Mommy would sneak into their rooms and pick out a little chocolate bar here and there from their stashes.

Actually, October 1 through January 2 was one big fiesta for me for many years. Halloween candy, Thanksgiving treats, pumpkin pies and cakes and cookies, Christmas candy and cakes and cookies. It all ran together into one big sugar binge. And I didn't care if I was gaining weight. It didn't matter because on January 1 I would make my changes and "do it this time." Because that's just what everyone does, right? You can't expect me to eat healthy during the HOLIDAYS, right? So I'd change on January 1st. Until Valentines Day candy started coming out, and then Easter of course, so maybe I'd start again in May...

The funny thing is, this year, Halloween snuck up on me. It's in a WEEK?!? How'd that happen? My daughter doesn't even have a costume yet. It snuck up on me because I don't care about the candy. I don't think about it. When I go shopping, my eyes just skip right over the huge candy displays; I pay them no mind. Yes, I get a lot of trick-or-treaters every year. No, I do not need to buy ten bags of my favorite chocolate candy for them three weeks in advance. I go grocery shopping about twice a week, so when I go later this week I will pick up some of those hideous candies that little boys seem to adore like Sour Warheads or Nerds or fireballs or some other non-chocolate, icky concoction that they'll enjoy. Yeah, I've done pencils. Yeah, I've done tattoos. I am not going to embarrass my children with that nonsense anymore. Kids come for CANDY. So candy they will get. Disagree if you must, but don't be a hater! :)

In essence, I'm saying that Halloween doesn't affect me anymore. I say no thanks to my kids' treats, and they VOLUNTARILY hand off about half their stash to me on Halloween night because they don't like half the crap they get (like granola bars, sugar free butterscotches, and packets of raisins). I don't eat it. I stick it in the cabinet, use some of it later and throw the rest away. What a nice change from years past, when I used my body as a garbage can for all the unwanted candy.

Don't fall into the holiday trap of buying tons of Halloween candy for weeks ahead of time and then buying up bags of candy afterwards because they are 70% off. Just leave it alone. And remember, yes, Thanksgiving is coming up, but it is ONE DAY. It is not a license to overeat for the next MONTH in anticipation. And the same goes for Christmas; it is ONE DAY, people, not a month long festival of indulgence. Even if you want to stretch it to TWO days (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day), it is still just TWO days. You wanna indulge? Fine. ON those days. Not the entire month of December or the twelve days of Christmas. Make your plan NOW for how you will handle the goodies. Plan what is important to you. Plan for the life you want. Don't just let stuff "happen" to you like a victim and then bemoan all the weight you gained "because of the holidays." Take control now and don't wait until January 1st for another weak effort at changing your life. If it's important to you, do it now. Today. It's worth it.

Dance in the Rain

It's raining. Rain can be nice, but it can also be an excuse. I do like sitting indoors drinking cocoa and looking out at the rain. I really love lying in bed at night listening to rain on the roof. But I had plans for today. I haven't exercised for 3 days, so I wanted to at least get out and do some walking around town, hit the Farmer's Market which closes at the end of the month, and just have a nice time with my daughter. When I saw the rain, I sighed. Oh well. That sucks. Have to stay in.

Then I started thinking. Why the heck does my child have a pair of rain boots and a raincoat? She's never used them. Wouldn't she be excited to go out and do some puddle jumping? What's a little mud, anyway? Yeah. We can still go out. I don't have to use rain as an excuse to abandon my plans!

So in a half hour I'll be getting her geared up and trying to find some kind of rain-resistant jacket and shoes for myself. I don't think I have anything, but if I get my sweatshirt wet that's okay.

This morning, I made myself another veggie-rich breakfast: an omelet. I sauteed some chopped onion, diced zucchini, chopped mushrooms & tomatoes with 3 oz of cubed ham. When it was all softened and slightly browned, I moved it to a plate. Then I wiped out the pan and poured in some Egg Beaters. A bit of Mrs. Dash, an ounce of grated cheddar-pepper-jack cheese, and a few minutes covered with a lid gave me a nice firm omelet shell. I poured in the veggies and ham, folded it over and slid it only my plate. It was a delicious breakfast with a slice of whole wheat toast and some mandarin orange green tea.

I really enjoy my food! I feel like I am enjoying it more than ever. The taco soup last night was divine, with light sour cream, cheddar and a few crumbled corn chips on top. And this weekend I'll be making another pot of delicious turkey vegetable soup with the roasted turkey bones I have in my freezer. Cooking is fun... eating is fun. Everything tastes wonderful and it never gets boring! A square of dark chocolate fits in every so often, too. Delicious! This is how I know I can stick with this FOR LIFE. I can easily eat this way FOREVER. If I can stay off the junk, and not get "triggered", I will enjoy eating the way I am eating NOW when I have lost all my excess weight. That is, I think, a key to success.

Scale says: 234.

Rich Life

Another week has passed, another pound is gone. Today I weigh 235. That's 10 pounds so far this month. I am so happy and excited with my new lifestyle, which includes:

NO fast food
NO eating crap in the car
NO sitting in parking lots scarfing down junk
NO sodas
NO limping around in pain
NO self hatred

I love it. Whenever I change to a healthy lifestyle, I always wonder WHY I put it off for so long. It's definitely a different mindset. It feels like this:

Fat Me: I am so tired. I hate dieting. I don't want to move. I want to sit here and watch TV and surf the Internet all day. I don't have any energy to do anything. My house is a mess. I wish I had a maid. If I could find some kind of energy pill, I could clean the house. I could lose weight. Let's see, what can I do to lose weight? I think I'll Google "lose weight fast." Hmmm. Nothing new there. How about "lemonade diet"? Nah. I can't stick to it anyway. I want a pizza, I am gonna order one to be delivered so I don't have to move off this sofa. Maybe I will move, I want to go to the store and get some candy bars and chips. Oh and lasagna and garlic bread. I think I will start eating right on Monday. So I better think of all the foods I won't be able to have, and have them now. Ice cream, cake, pies, mozzarella sticks. Yeah. I will enjoy all my favorites this weekend and start on Monday. Maybe. I am just so tired and I hate vegetables. Why does my life suck so much?

Healthy Me: Wow, this is easy! This is great! I feel amazing. Why did I ever eat that nasty greasy sugary stuff anyway? These beet greens taste SO much better than pie! I can't wait for lunch, I am making leeks and asparagus. I would rather have that than a pizza ANY day. I have so much energy! The sun is shining, I really want to get out and take a walk in the beautiful fall weather. My body feels alive! The weight is dropping off, but I'd do this anyway. Life is so fantastic! I can't wait to wake up to a new day tomorrow.

Yeah, the old me wasn't very happy. But today I look around me and I see how very blessed I am. I have a wonderful life! I have a nice house in a happy, quiet neighborhood. I always have enough food to eat. And my biggest blessing, my five children. I am SO blessed to have them. Oh I remember when the doctor told me I would probably never have anymore after I lost a baby. I remember looking at my lone son and thinking... yes, I am so glad I have him, but I so wanted a big family! I didn't want to be an only child raising an only child. And now, I look back, and I see how rich my life is because of my children. Whenever anything else is going badly, I look at them and my heart just fills to bursting with love. When I hold my daughter and rock her at night, smell her sweet hair and feel her little arms around me, I am so happy, so grateful. And they deserve a mother who is active with them. I want to be around for a long, long time to see them grow... to love my grandchildren... to enjoy this rich life I have been blessed with. I'll take good care of myself, if only for that.

I visualize roller blading at the park with my kids next summer. I imagine going horseback riding and hiking with them. There are so many things we haven't done. It won't be long before my teens are off living their own lives and I want to create happy family memories with them NOW while they are still *all mine.* I love them so.

Life's rich, people. Richer than a piece of cheesecake or a chocolate truffle. Whatever YOU have been blessed with, it IS worth living. You might not be able to see it with your sugar-fogged mind, but it's there. Give it a chance! Eat healthy and take walks for a month and see all the beauty you've been missing. After all, if you don't like it and it isn't worth it, you can always go back to junk. Right?

Pomegranates for Health

Have you ever eaten a pomegranate? Or are you scared of them?

Pomegranates are just coming into season and you will be able to find them at the grocery store through the winter. I *love* the fruity seeds (arils) sprinkled in salads or yogurt or scattered over a fruit salad. I even eat them by the handful as a sweet and crunchy snack! The best part? They're good for you! Pomegranates are rich in vitamin C, B5, potassium, fiber, and antioxidants. Some studies suggest that pomegranate juice has health benefits including reducing heart disease risk factors and lowering blood pressure. A half cup of arils has about 72 calories and they are SO delicious! I never tried a pomegranate until last winter and now they are one of my favorite fruits. I almost cried when they went out of season this spring.

So, how do you choose one at the store? What do you do with this thing? How do you get the fruit out of it?

When buying a pomegranate, look for one that looks nice. No wrinkles, no dried up stuff. And pick it up. It should be heavy for its size. A light pomegranate will NOT be very juicy, so get a heavy one. When you get it home, cut it in quarters. I do this over a cookie sheet with a raised edge (this is the most use my cookie sheets get all year, besides roasting green beans). And don't wear a white shirt. I sort of cut it and sort of tear it so I have big pieces to work with.


Now, I turn them over and spank them with a wooden spoon. I hold the pieces, sort of turn them inside out a bit and whack the heck out of them. Go on, get your aggressions out. Arils will be flinging all over your kitchen. I mean, be sure and aim downward at the cookie sheet. Pick out the rest with your fingers.


Some websites suggest just putting the quarters into a bowl of water and using your fingers to take all the arils out. That way there is no mess. But I like the mess, and I enjoy beating on the fruit. It makes me happy. I keep paper towels handy. Plus, somehow putting them in water makes me think the fruit will be sorta watered down and some juice will be wasted. Not that any juice is wasted over my kitchen walls when I am whacking the fruit.

Anyway. You pick all the white stuff out and you end up with a nice big bowl of juicy, sweet pomegranate arils. Eat them.


Or sprinkle them on stuff. They are yummy on oatmeal. The cool sweet-tart bursts of juice are a pleasant contrast to the warm, creamy, mellow oatmeal. This is a photo of the pumpkin oats from the recipe I posted yesterday, but with pomegranate arils on top. So good!

Store the arils in a container in the fridge. I have no idea how long they last because whenever I have them they are gone within 2 days. In fact, two of my children polished off this entire bowl today after school.

I love pomegranates. If you haven't tried one, do so. They're delicious!

Power Breakfast: Pumpkin Oatmeal!

I feel SO good this morning! Yesterday I had some amazing meals, the weird intense hunger was gone, and I had a 30-minute walk outside in the gorgeous fall weather. I need to bring my camera sometime so I can share it with you.

I had a plateau of sorts (if you can call it that... we weight-losers like to call a couple days in a row at the same weight a "plateau" when really it isn't) for the last week. You may recall my rapid dropping of eight pounds in less than two weeks earlier this month; that's kinda common when you go from a diet of junk to eating healthy. On Oct 13, I was ecstatic to see 237 pounds! On the 14th I was still thrilled. The 15th brought me to 236 and I was almost dancing on the scale. But inexplicably the next day I was back up to 237. And the next day, and the next day. And the next and the next! I was doing everything right: staying under my calorie goal, exercising, eating pretty healthy stuff, but I kept seeing 237. I shrugged. Oh well! Today, after a week of scale stall, I got 236 on the scale. Yep, just hang in there, keep doing what your body needs, it'll work out eventually! Separate yourself from the number. Become an observer. I just kept plotting my weight on the chart and enjoying the wonderful feeling and energy that comes with a healthy lifestyle.

I wanted to share my recipe for a terrific, nutritious, filling and super-delicious breakfast. This is my breakfast in fall, winter, and spring at least half the time. It's one of my favorite healthy things to eat. If you like pumpkin pie or pumpkin bread or pumpkin muffins, you will probably really love this!

Pumpkin Flax Oats

1/3 c dry oatmeal (I use Quaker Quick, 1-minute oats. If you use regular oats you'll have to cook them longer)
2/3 c water
1/2 c canned pumpkin (make sure this is JUST pumpkin, no sugar or anything added)
1 T flax (ground flaxseed. Adds a very nice consistency to the oatmeal. This is SO good for you, it really is worth investing in a bag of this and using it daily. I use Bob's Red Mill flaxseed meal).
2 tsp brown sugar
1 T walnuts, broken in small pieces, microwaved on a paper towel for 30 seconds to toast them
1 T slivered almonds, optional but yummy. I use the honey roasted kind that's sold as a salad topping.
cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla (real vanilla extract is so yummy and worth the price difference vs. the artificial stuff)
1 tsp. real maple syrup
3-4 T 2% milk

Okay. Get the water boiling in a small pot. Add a tiny dash of salt. Stir in the oats, cook for 30 seconds and turn down the heat. Stir in the flax. Then stir in the pumpkin. Stir until it's all piping hot. Stir in the brown sugar, a very generous shake of cinnamon and pie spice, about a half tsp of vanilla. Turn off the heat. Meanwhile make your green tea (because you want a really healthy, delicious beverage with your oats): bring water almost to a boil, pour a half cup over a Bigelow Green Tea with Lemon teabag, steep 3 minutes. Go back to your oats while it's steeping, and put them in a warm bowl. Sprinkle the walnuts and almonds over the top. Drizzle the real maple syrup over the oatmeal. Pour the milk around the edges. Now get that green tea, squeeze the bag to get all the good stuff out, and pour the hot tea into a tall glass of cold water. In the summer, I add ice, but in winter the temp is fine just as it is. Now go eat!

This very filling breakfast provides you with 339 calories, 11 grams of protein, 9 grams of fiber, and 1700 mg of Omega-3's. I'll be posting a picture of these oats later today and it will leave you drooling and running to the store for flax meal and canned pumpkin for your breakfast tomorrow!

Update: picture here (scroll down).

Have a super-healthy day!

"Why Is Max So Fat?"

In my 19+ years of parenting, I've tried very hard to teach my children to be kind... to treat others as they would want to be treated, and not to base their treatment of a person on their outward appearance. I talked to my kids about differences in people; yes, some children have darker skin or lighter skin just like some have brown hair or blonde hair, blue eyes or green eyes. No big deal, everyone is different. Some people walk, others use wheelchairs. Some have accents. Some dress differently. Isn't it great that people are not all the same? How boring that would be! And I think my kids absorbed that pretty well. They all have been friends with a diverse group of kids, from those who are disabled to deaf kids to kids with rare diseases that make them look very different. They're just PEOPLE... notice the difference and move on to friendship.

My little girl is in preschool now, and I go in and help on occasion so I get to meet all of her friends. During the first week, I met Max. Max is a kid who definitely stands out from the crowd; Max is big. He is not chubby, or plump, or a bit heavy. He is exceptionally large...about four times the size of my daughter and the kind of large that probably gets rude, inappropriate comments directed at his parents in Walmart (because, as we know, Walmart is the place to go if you want high-quality stranger interactions... NOT). Anyway, I *noticed* his size simply because it was hard to ignore, and I was concerned that he was going to trip over the adult-sized gym shorts he was wearing that hung past his ankles to the floor. But he was just a little boy, and we did our crafts and sang our songs and got on just fine.

About two weeks later, when I picked up my daughter from preschool, I was asking her about her day as I usually do. After telling me about making paintings with vegetables and gluing paper apples on a tree, she asked me a question: "Why is Max so fat?"

I was a little surprised. She's never asked me why any of her other playmates are "so dark brown" or "so skinny" or "so short." But Max, she noticed. The difference was so vast between his size and hers that she took note. But she didn't ask me why he is so "big" or so "large"... she said FAT. I guess that took me off guard. I didn't think she'd ever heard anyone call a person FAT. Maybe I was just naive.

"Everyone is different," I said, "just like some kids have dark skin and some have wavy hair, and some people have blonde hair like you, and others have freckles. People come in different sizes, too." I pondered for a few seconds whether I should go into a diatribe about eating healthy and exercising but I decided this was not the time nor place; I didn't want my daughter making assumptions that Max... or in fact, that EVERY fat person she sees... eats junk food and sits around getting no exercise. At 4 years old, a child is apt (in their innocence) to burst out in the grocery store with, "That lady is fat because she eats too much!" So I am keeping the healthy eating lessons separate from the "why is Max fat" discussion. After all, I personally DO NOT KNOW why Max is fat.

We went on to discuss differences. "Have you ever seen a person with just one leg?" I asked? Her eyes got wide. "No!" she exclaimed, "There are people with ONE LEG??" I went on to talk about people with 2 legs, one leg, or no legs. I talked about people with one arm, two arms or no arms. I told her about a girl I knew in grade school with one eye. We discussed differences in height, size, color and ability. "But if you met someone in preschool with one arm, would you still be their friend?" She had to think about that, but decided she probably would. We talked about how physical differences don't mean the person isn't NICE. They can still be your friend.

I was thrilled when a segment came on Oprah that evening. I don't even watch Oprah, but when I was channel surfing and saw a little girl with one leg, I *knew* this was an opportunity to show my daughter just what I meant. I called her into the room. "Look," I said, "here is a little girl with one leg like I told you about." The little girl, in fact, had two legs fused together into one, so it *looked* like and functioned as one. I think she was 8 or 9 years old, and she was the sweetest kid. As my daughter watched the little girl talk about her condition and the fun girly things she likes to do, I asked, "Would you like to be her friend?" And my daughter smiled and said, "Yeah! She is so nice! Having one leg doesn't matter!" And we talked about giving everyone a chance, regardless of their appearance or differences, to be our friend. Earlier she had said (to my dismay) that she would not be friends with Max because he is "so fat" but after the show she decided to give Max a chance to be her friend because no matter what someone looks like, they can be NICE.

There were a few moments when I said to her, "It isn't really nice to call someone fat. It might hurt their feelings if they heard you" to which she replied, "he can't hear me, we are in the car." But I wanted to be sure she understood that although fat is a valid descriptor, it can be a hurtful label. Just like you wouldn't dance around singing, "You only have one leg! You only have one leg!" at the one-legged girl, you don't call someone fat. The story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (and the accompanying song) helped get this point across. She felt compassion for a deer who was different and saw his sadness at the other deer "calling him names" and never letting him "join in any reindeer games." She is generally a very thoughtful and compassionate girl, so I think she got the point.

It's up to me as a parent to raise children who do not cause more pain in this world. I have been the target of insults based on my weight, even as an adult. And I still harbor the pain of being taunted in middle school over my glasses, hair, fat thighs, acne, and religion. I don't want ANY of my kids bringing that kind of pain to anyone. Ever.

My daughter went back to school with a new outlook. Max is big, but it's no big deal. She will give him the same chance as any other boy in that school, and that makes me proud of her.

For the Love of Kale

Second post today... OMG I am just DYING to eat the house today. I don't know what's come over me, but I am hungry hungry hungry!! I am *not* craving junk, I am *not* going nuts for a binge, but my hunger level went through the roof. I think it may be related to my cycle. It's a handy scapegoat, anyway.

In order to satisfy my crazy desire to fill my stomach (which feels like a bottomless pit no matter what I eat), I have a huge pot of kale simmering on the stove. I tore the big bunch of raw kale into pieces and removed the tough stems. I simmered it for 5 minutes in salted water and then drained it (kills the bitter, even though some vitamins leech out). Then I sauteed half a sweet onion and a garlic clove in a half Tablespoon of olive oil, threw in about 4oz of ham (cubed up tiny), 2 thin slices of pre-cooked, 40-calorie bacon (chopped), some salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and a cup or so of water. I've had it on low all afternoon (3-4 hours) and soon... very soon... I am going to dive in with a fork. I am going to eat kale until I am absolutely FILLED. This empty feeling is driving me nuts, and even if I eat the WHOLE pot of kale (which is likely a physical impossibility), it only has about 420 calories. I'll be well within my calorie limit for today.
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Well, as I was blogging my intense hunger overcame me and I went and got a bowl of kale. OH MY GOSH. Sooooo good. If you like greens you will *love* these. If you hate greens, you will *love* these! So tender and flavorful, better than ANY junk I can imagine. In fact I *may* eat the whole pot! I sprinkled it with a bit of Balsamic vinegar.


I don't really understand this kind of weird hunger I am feeling. I have it every once in awhile but not often at all. It's real stomach hunger but I can eat and eat and still feel hungry for a long time. I've tried drinking lots of water, that doesn't do it. It isn't a craving and it isn't a "want to eat" thing. I just can't seem to get full. Oh, if I eat *enough* volume I do finally feel it, but it's almost like the switch isn't working. You know that switch that your brain flips to tell you you're full? It just doesn't work at times like this. Very odd. But I am aware of it so I tend to cook a big pot of soup or veggies or something to eat until the switch FINALLY flips (which is after quite a large amount of food). Maybe it means I am about to drop some pounds! We'll see.

I took my daughter out for a walk today. It was very nice out and I probably got in about 3/4 mile. If I feel up to it, I'll bike this evening. Enjoy your night!

Green Beans for Breakfast

Another good day, filled with good food and productivity. I do have a passel of sick kids. One has an ear infection, one seems to have the flu (fever, aches, severe fatigue, sore throat), another is recovering from the same thing that kept him out of school almost all of last week, and the little one is almost completely better from a bad head cold. I am doing well, myself, crossing my fingers I don't come down with any of this stuff. Lots of vitamin C, fruits and veggies, fluids, and hand washing!

How would you like some zucchini and canned green beans for breakfast? Sound good? What, no?? Come on, try it:



Egg Beaters scrambled with a whole (8" or so) chopped zucchini, french cut green beans, and half of a Habernaro Monterey Jack Chicken sausage, sliced, with a side of pears canned in juice. So delicious! Only 225 calories. I always try to incorporate a veggie and a fruit into my breakfast, whether it's in an omelet or a scramble like this, a spinach mango smoothie, or cooked butternut squash or canned pumpkin stirred into my oatmeal. It gets me off on the right foot each day.

Lunch was a low fat turkey salad sandwich and some Fiber Select crackers. Dinner was a homemade turkey pot pie with lots of veggies, low fat gravy, and a pie crust (top only, no bottom crust. Saves calories, looks pretty). I had some lovely tea for dessert later.

I feel really good, I don't have *any* overwhelming cravings. There's the very rare food-thought that flits through my head, but it is gone before I can dwell on it and nurture it into action (because I DISMISS those thoughts immediately). I am not hungry. I am satisfied. I bought a little monthly planner and in it I record some stats on each day's calendar square: my weight, my total calories eaten, any exercise I did, and my mood on a scale of 1 to 10. I think this will be helpful to me over time, as I look over what I am doing long term and the results. And I like record keeping. It's fun!

Hope you're having a lovely weekend. Try some veggies for breakfast tomorrow!

Flipping Out Doesn't Help

For the last couple of days, my weight has been at a standstill. It makes no sense, really. I'm eating clean, I've eaten 1700 calories or less every day this month (in fact, many days closer to 1500), I've been exercising more than before. Three days ago my weight popped up from 236 to 237 for no apparent reason. Maybe my turkey soup was too salty, who knows? Maybe that one slice of birthday cake is making its ghostly presence known. But I walked, I biked, I ate clean, I drank water. Yesterday I was sure the scale would reflect a change, but 237 stared me in the face yet again in the morning.

So yesterday I ate healthy. I walked a bit. I took my son to the doctor and then stopped at the pharmacy for his medicine on the way home. When I came out to the parking lot, the sun was setting. I turned the key. My car made the most hideous sound. It sort of chugged a bit and turned back off. It was the chug of death. Nothing would get that car to start and stay started. I checked fluids, and the battery was fine. Ahhh. What to do? Late on a weekend, who can I call to come get me? And then I decided to walk home.

And walk home I did. Something I have never done before in the more than a dozen years I've lived here... I walked the (uphill) mile and a half home from "town." It was actually quite a pleasant walk. I'll have the car towed to the shop today. I'm pleased I did not have to inconvenience anyone to come get me nor did I have to wait 45 minutes for a bus. It was simple. I just walked home. It was no big deal. What a change from the absolute panic and despair I'd have gone through had this happened two years ago.

Got home, ate soup. Figured, yeah, I am mid-cycle, but I have eaten so well and I got in some great exercise (30 minutes walking Thursday and 30 minutes biking Wednesday) so I will surely see the scale drop tomorrow. I weigh daily. I have an accurate scale and I know my body, and while *some* people do not see results for days or weeks, I almost always see whatever I ate reflected on the scale within a day or two.

This morning? Still 237. What kind of weird plateau is this? Well, I don't really care. It's not like I am going to change the way I am eating or exercising because of what the scale says. Oh, don't get me wrong, I used to be that way. I'd get on the scale and if I didn't lose a pound I would get mad and eat a pizza. And then I *really* wouldn't lose a pound. What the heck is the point of that? Overeating and giving up because you don't like some random number a machine is spitting out at you? What about the way you feel? What about your quality of life? If your kid has a tantrum one morning do you haul them to the orphanage and say "I quit! This isn't what I expected!"? If your dog tracks mud in the house do you go have him put to sleep? Come on! You cannot just QUIT because one little thing isn't going how YOU would like it to go IDEALLY. You have to understand that this is for life. Really. Embrace it. I know that's why some people don't weigh at all, or very infrequently. (That makes me nuts.) For me, I like the way daily weighing takes the edge off the results. "Oh, it's just one of 365 numbers I will see this year. Big deal." As long as I see a downward trend over weeks and months, that's what counts. That's how I know I am "doing it right."

So the scale says 237, and I shrug and think, "well, that makes no sense. Guess the ol' bod is checking to see if I mean business. I'll see a big drop in a couple of days." And I go have my healthy breakfast. I exercise. I'm still happy. I don't flip out. It wouldn't help.

There is something to be said for being a bit non-reactive to the numbers as long as you are confident your plan will work long-term. If you see a plateau, so what? You're not gaining. Tweak the plan if the plateau lasts, say, a month. But these daily variations are as much a part of life as birds singing and pooping. The ebb and flow of life. Don't let it get to you.

Now I am off to make some eggs for breakfast. Eggs go great with zucchini, you know. Try it sometime!

Blogosphere Personals

I am feeling kind of icky today. I woke up feeling bloated (mid cycle stuff... I am super sensitive to hormonal changes), with a headache. I'm tired, and three of my kids are sick. Well... only one is sick enough to miss school (he has missed 3 days so far) but the other has an ear infection and is going to the doctor today and the little one is getting over a head cold. I can feel my body fighting all this crap off and it has dulled my enthusiasm a little bit today, but I am still just fine on the eating front. In fact, I was thinking...

A friend of mine told me that the year she fell in love, she dropped 130 pounds with hardly any effort. I've seen it happen to other people: they are falling in love and the weight just drops off. Why is that? What's going on? Is there something we can learn from this?

I remember when I was working and going to college and taking my kids to sports practices every day, 6 or 7 years ago. I was exhausted and had NO energy for "fixing myself." One evening, I had to go to some stupid meeting called by a new soccer coach. I did NOT want to go. I wanted to sit home and watch TV with a bag of chips. But the meeting promised free pizza, so I dragged myself down there to sit and roll my eyes at the usual yada yada about team colors and sportsmanship and whether they should be called the Red Fireballs or the Glowing Dragons. But this meeting was different. The guy was interesting. He was cute. And he was single.

I was energized enough ("perked up" as they say) by him that I volunteered to be the Team Mom. Ah yes, I'd get to work with him more closely. Over the next weeks we became friends, and then we dated. I was totally going head over heels for this guy. And you know what? ALL the binge eating stopped. Food became secondary. It was not a concerted effort to "diet," I just did not CARE about a bag of chips anymore. I had Guy on the Brain. I was happy, I was giddy. It was exciting. My weight plummeted.

When we eventually broke up, the weight came back. But what happened? Why are we *so* desperate for cheesecake until some guy comes along and steals our heart? If there really is such thing as food addiction... and I think there is... how is it abated by love? How can an eating disorder just *disappear* when you're in love?

I think it's because the "love" feelings, which are in fact chemical surges in the brain, are very similar to the "comfort" feelings one gets when they eat junk or binge. One of these chemicals, dopamine, "stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine." Or eating a ton of cookies. I also think binge eaters and overeaters are often trying to fill a hole in themselves that they don't quite understand, and when someone else comes along and fills that hole, they no longer need to try and stuff it with donuts. Think about it. Before a binge or even just a "junk food session," don't you feel kinda empty? But when you are falling in love, emptiness is far, far from your mind. Endorphins abound. You feel great! You don't need food for that anymore.

If we can find a way to trigger those feelings without eating junk, maybe we can mimic being in love. Maybe it's like a "runner's high" or something and we can find what takes us to our happy place without a binge. Or we can fall in love. Maybe that's the best diet plan out there.

Somebody wanna put together a Blogger's Dating Service? No? Well I guess everyone could just leave their own personals ad in the comments section here, but I think it would be 90 women to one man. However, I suppose it might be your lucky day and that one man could be *the one.* Or he could be *the one* for a few months, just long enough to get you started on your weight loss journey :)

Last night I made turkey soup and beer bread for dinner and it was fabulous. After a day of being out in the fall chill, that supper really hit the spot. If you haven't tried it, do! I will be having that for lunch today as well.

Have a great weekend! (And feel free to leave your personals ad in the comments. Seriously!)

Living

Oh I am just so excited! I can hardly contain myself. Go ahead, ask me! "Why are you so excited, Lyn??"

Because I am LIVING and it is GOOD. I am finally feeling FREE of the chains of binge eating. I've crawled up out of the pit of Twinkies and ice cream and I cannot even tell you how different life *feels* to me.

Part of it was the epiphany regarding fast food, which I have not touched in almost a month.
Some of it was the decision to get off soda, which I have done successfully.
A great deal of it is the absolute light bulb moment I had at the funeral last month, which caused me to become, as I put it, unchained. Something about funerals... something about death and seeing someone you love grieving so deeply... makes one reconsider their whole existance.
And, of course, I just put my foot down and told myself, "Self, you have been fat long enough. This ridiculous cycle of eat healthy > excercise > lose 5 pounds > binge > get frustrated > eat junk > stop exercising > gain 10 pounds has GOT to stop. It's miserable! And it is ridiculous to choose misery over life.

Yesterday I was coming home from taking my child to preschool. I looked at the sky. It was cold and icky. I was not going to walk. Instead, I stopped and got a latte. On the way home, the sun came out. There was blue sky. It went like this:

me: Hey, I could go take a walk in the park, the sun is out!
self: No, by the time you get there and get out of the car it will be cloudy and yucky again.
me: oh. Are you sure? A walk in the sun would be nice.
self: yeah, look at those big grey clouds over there. They will be over the sun in no time. You'll freeze.
me: oh.

I pull in the driveway. The sun is still out.

me: wow, look! It's a great day for a walk!
self: no, it's a great day to go inside and drink your latte.
me: shut up!

I got out, left the latte in the car, and started hauling butt down the street before "self" could convince me not to. I walked for a half hour. As I walked, I kept looking around and seeing things in some kind of whole new light. The bright blue sky, streaked with clouds in every pattern and the sun just shining away; a tree with fall blazes of orange, red and gold; a branch with orange berries overhead against that gorgeous blue-sky background. I kept going, "Oh my god, I have never seen anything so beautiful!" The rich scent of fall leaves was in the air and it was just so comforting and exhilarating and familiar like a hug from a loved one. The breeze was chill but not frigid and made my skin tingle and feel alive. I smiled the whole time I was walking. It was life... it was so good.

I've often wondered if I have some kind of heightened sensory perception. I see the sexuality and intense lure in a peanut butter cup; why can't I experience the rest of the world with those same eyes? I can! I can. I see the whole world in such bright detail... I take in every crunch of crumbled leaves and every acorn dropping from an oak with the breeze and all of it is SO vivid and intense. Living this life, without the sugar fog, without the drape of darkness binge eating brings, is so much richer. I never, ever want to let it go.

Yesterday was another special occasion: a dear friend's birthday. We went to dinner. I knew we'd be going out, and I knew where, so I decided ahead of time that I would be having fish. I didn't know exactly what else would be offered, but after considering whether a very well crafted steak was in the cards for me, I nixed it and said, "nope, fish will be fine."

When I arrived, I chose a beverage: unsweetened iced tea with lemon. I thought about getting a "real drink" (aka booze) but then decided I didn't really care about it. We had an appetizer: smoked trout and cheese on toasted baguettes. Oh it was divine. I had one baguette slice, which I savored, topped with cheese and capers and trout. I had some extra bites of that delicious fish. I enjoyed the company. Next was a mixed green salad with broccoli, cauliflower, peas, cucumbers, and beets. I chose a nice light Huckleberry Vinaigrette to go over it. Then came the main dish: halibut with mango salsa. The waitress had asked, "would you like rice, mashed potatoes, or a baked potato with that?" I'd already planned my answer: "Could I have steamed vegetables as a side instead of potato?" Of course they obliged, and I added, "No butter or oil on the vegetables, please." At the end of the meal, they brought the dessert menu. I looked. I considered. I'd thought about indulging. I noticed they had dessert coffees on the menu that looked SO good... rich with Irish Cream or Kahlua or hazelnut cream... but I was not DYING for one so I let it be. "I'm good," I said. And that was that. I had an amazing time, focused on conversation and NOT on trying to eat as much as possible without LOOKING like I was eating as much as possible. I came home happy.

I began this month weighing 245 pounds. Today I weigh 236. I lost six pounds the first week, three pounds this week. Nine pounds down, and the lowest weight I have seen in five months. I'll take it. I feel a million times better!

Please live! Don't waste one more day. You might pass up a piece of cake or a donut but you won't pass up life. And you will not regret it.

Fat People Have Issues

"Let's face it," she said with a nonchalant wave of the hand, "Fat people have issues. You don't want to date one, because you marry who you date. And you don't want to marry them and have to deal with their obvious issues all your life." My skinny roommate was commenting on a guy I was considering dating, but had my reservations about. I wasn't honestly *too* concerned with his looks... he was attractive enough. But the boy was heavy. He was pretty big, actually, for a 19-year-old, but he was witty and talented and could play the piano like no one I'd ever seen. I liked him, but I liked to be active too. This guy wasn't someone I could go on hikes with or shoot hoops with or even take long walks with, I thought. I wasn't sure if he would be much fun.

But my friend made a point I hadn't considered. His issues. A fat person doesn't just get fat for nothing, right? They must have some kind of mental or emotional problem... baggage, as they say... driving them to abuse themselves to the point of obesity. Fat people *must* have issues.

It wasn't four years later, when I had had a child, lost a couple of babies and then blessedly had my second son that I happened to be visiting at this same friend's home. I'd put on some weight... about 20 pounds... and weighed a whopping 165 or so. Her brother was there; we'd dated briefly and he seemed rather disgusted by my fat body. "When I get married," he said, "I am going to be with someone who is healthy and fit, active and fun." "But what if you fall in love with someone who's overweight?" I asked. "Not going to happen," he said. "The kind of woman I will fall in love with will take care of herself. She won't have those kinds of issues."

It hurt, but maybe it was true. My issue was the loss of two very much wanted babies. Did that make me unstable? Did it make me unworthy, because I coped with the pain by hanging onto the *pregnancy weight*? Maybe.

Look at the 600 pound person on TV who has to have their walls broken out and be rescued out of their home with a hydraulic lift because they are too big to fit through the door. Do they have issues?

Look at the 400 pound woman riding through the grocery store on a motorized cart, filling her basket with chips, ice cream, and frozen pizzas. Does she have issues?

Look at the 250 pound lady sitting in her car in the parking lot of McDonald's scarfing down a supersized Big Mac meal, an ice cream sundae and a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Does she have issues?

How do you get so fat unless you are *eating your problems*? Isn't excess weight just a sign of some sort of disturbance... mental or emotional? Yeah, some people have medical issues or genetic problems but for the most part, fat people can lose weight. It's hard but doable. So there must be some issues making this person abuse food and their body like that. Right? Would you date an alcoholic? Would you make babies with a drug addict? Well, would you?

I didn't date that guy who played the piano so well. Would he have been a good husband?

Was my friend's brother right? Does a healthy mind and emotional state always yield a healthy, fit body?

Therein lies the flaw. *Everyone* has issues. Maybe they had a bad childhood or something happened to them that scarred them emotionally. Someone close to them died, someone hurt them, they feel alone. Someone betrayed them. The issues are there, for everyone. It's how we deal with them that differs.

Did losing babies make me fat? No, it was a coping mechanism even if it was subconscious. Does being molested make a person fat? No, but fat can seem like a protection to some. But a lot of thin people have lost babies or been molested or had druggie parents. Maybe they don't show it through their weight (or maybe they do, by anorexia or another eating disorder) but they abuse some other substance. And if you have issues but *don't* abuse food, alcohol drugs or cigarettes, does that make you somehow better? Does it make you more stable if you cope in a healthier way?

Well, yes. In fact, it probably does make you mentally more stable. Using an appropriate method of coping with distress *is* a sign of emotional and mental health. And you'd want to befriend, date, marry someone who has healthy coping mechanisms. Not someone who sedates themselves with drugs. Or alcohol. Or food.

Right?

Seems like an easy assumption to make. Many people who've never been fat make these judgements just by looking at you walking down the street. They have issues. They wouldn't be so fat if they didn't.

Are they right?

What I Learned from a Piece of Cake

Cake is magical. It's one of those things that has the ability to send me plunging over the weight loss cliffs into the Grand Canyon of binge-eating despair. Something about the mix of fat and sugar... the soft solidity of the cake combined with the creamy mouthfeel of the frosting sends me into some kind of Sensory Overload. It's the mecca of all bingers who are trying to escape reality via food. I could never stop at one piece. In fact, I have eaten more than half of a cake myself, usually for breakfast. Bad news.

Every birthday in my family is celebrated with joy and a made-from-scratch cake. Traditionally, as soon as my kids are old enough to know carrot cake from fudge cake, I ask them what cake they would like for their birthday. They tell me, I make it. Period. I enjoy baking. I am good at it. You cannot buy a chocolate cake as good as what I can make. In fact, there are a lot of chocolate cakes plastered all over my body right now. So when my son asked for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cake, my eyes rolled back in my head in anticipation of the sugar coma to follow. You see, if you could get inside my head, there would be a lot of buried peanut butter cups in there. They were my mother's favorite candy, and became mine. The smell is just intoxicating. The taste, dear Lord. Who made those up? Evil! And I never understood why they come in a little package of two cups. Who eats two cups?? Not me, not ever. I always would go for the 3/$1 sales because three PACKS of Reese's seemed to be just about the right size for a moderate little snack. See how I got this big? One cup, two cups, that's child's play. Adults need at least 6 cups. Right? Or better yet, a whole bag of those teeny baby Reese's, because they are babies and don't count. You can eat half the bag and when you start to get sick of them, freeze the rest and they become a whole 'nother food, so you can finish them all in one day before the kids get home from school. But I digress.

I got started on this Reese's cake by baking 8 separate layers of a rich yellow cake... a Smith Island cake of sorts. The batter smelled lovely, but I didn't sample it. I made the chocolate frosting it was glossy brown and beautiful, but I didn't taste it. I had a sink full of hot soapy water next to me, and as I finished with a spatula or a beater or a bowl, I'd fling it into the sink before I could even *think* about tasting anything. I went on autopilot. I said to myself, "Self, you are going to get to eat a PIECE of this cake with your family. That is not a license to eat 500 calories in batter and frosting beforehand." I just MADE the cake.

When I started layering it, it got interesting. I was crushing up peanut butter cups to put in between the layers and to press around the outside of the cake as garnish. Every cup I unwrapped was like a flashback. The shiny little chocolate tops, the bumpy ridges. The way the chocolate sort of falls off the edge of the peanut butter center when you cut it or bite it, leaving the salty, slightly grainy curve of the insides exposed. The way the wrappers crinkled and had a little bit of grease on them. I let myself enjoy the scent, but said, "You'll get yours with the rest of the family." I finished the cake, washed my hands, and walked away.

Now, here is my strategy for enjoying a piece of birthday cake with the family:

1. Make sure it is worth it to you. If you don't really care, don't really want to, or think it will send you into a tailspin, DON'T!!! This is the most important rule, IMO.

2. Eat healthy all day. Go easy on the calories. Figure the cake into your daily calorie goal and do NOT GO OVER even if it means eating vegetable soup for lunch. My meals for the day were:
Coffee, oatmeal with flax seed & peanut butter
Leftover chicken fajitas over a bowl of mixed green salad
A fat, juicy chicken sausage with a Caprese salad and Brussels sprouts
which leads me to strategy #3...

3. Eat a huge plate of Brussels sprouts right before it's time for cake.
Hey, it works.
Seriously though, we always used to have the birthday cake and ice cream as a mid-afternoon *snack* and then eat dinner later. Bad idea. This year, we had dinner first and then cake for dessert. As a result, I watched teenage boys who usually eat 3 pieces of cake EACH sit at the table unable to even finish one large slice! It was great. They were dismayed.

Anyway, you're a lot less likely to overdo the cake if you eat a moderate dinner (or a huge plate of vegetables) first.

I had all of this planned in advance. It worked out fine, I stayed under 1700 calories even with a slice of cake and a quarter cup of ice cream. But the cake taught me a few unexpected lessons, as well:

1. When you've been eating healthy, cake doesn't taste as good. It's too sweet. It tastes like eating from a sugar bowl. And it makes you feel kinda ill.

2. I no longer need a "regular" sized piece of cake. I used to always have a HUGE piece, and more likely TWO huge pieces, but this time I made a point of cutting what I thought was a "smallish" regular-sized piece. Guess what? It was WAY TOO MUCH. Way!!!!! I kept nibbling at it because I *could*... because it was a planned indulgence.. but in fact I would have been happier and would have even enjoyed it more if I had cut a piece half that size. A mere sliver would have been plenty for me to satisfy my curiosity and desire for Reese's cake. I did stop and leave a few bites on my plate, but I felt uncomfortably full and exceptionally dulled by the sugar.

3. I feel icky on sugar. It is a darned good thing I ate some protein first, or I think I would have been so buzzed! I am sure I would have been sick if I had eaten it on an empty stomach. I have ZERO desire to eat any of the leftover cake. NOT happening, not even a temptation.

And the last thing the cake taught me:
4. I have changed.

I really like who I am now. I like that I can control my own intake, make decisions about what I will or will not put into my body, and learn something new about myself each day. I like that I can eat birthday cake IF I WANT TO and the scale still shows a pound lost the next day. I like that the focus of my life is not FOOD anymore... even healthy food. It's my kids, it's my friends, it's everything I want it to be instead of being a blur of sadness between binges.

Life really is out there for the taking, people. You don't have to stay fat, you don't have to be sad. When you change your relationship with food, the whole world opens up for you. Don't trade it for an affair with a cake. Real life, real love, is so much better.

Birthday Indulgence?

Tonight I took my son out to dinner for his birthday. It's a tradition I have that I started seven years ago when he was much younger. I was a single mom, working, going to school, busy. I had four children at the time and it seemed I rarely saw them except when I was exhausted, cleaning, or doing homework (theirs and mine). Even then I took them everywhere as a group. I realized that I rarely got one-on-one time with my kids, so I started getting a sitter and taking each child out alone for their birthday dinner. The very first time I did this, I took my son, who had just turned 9, to the mall. We walked around, talked, went to dinner. I let him order anything he wanted and then we went shopping. I let him pick out a new pair of pants and a shirt at the store (a special treat for a boy used to getting hand-me-downs or whatever was on clearance) and then I took him to a movie. He was so happy, holding my hand, smiling, talking. When I sat on his bed and tucked him in that night, he said, "Mom, this was the best birthday EVER. I love you." I knew then that this was a tradition to keep.

He's a lot bigger now... he towers over me. He doesn't hold my hand anymore and he doesn't always want to hang out with Mom. But for his birthday dinner, we went out. We talked, we ate, we bought him a new sweatshirt. We had a nice time and reconnected. I sure do love my son. I am so blessed.

Since the restaurant was his choice I knew I'd have to make some careful menu choices in order not to screw with my weight loss. I wanted to enjoy my food but not at the expense of my body. I looked over the menu at Red Robin, known for its huge burgers and "endless fries." I knew fries were OUT. I have *no* moderation with fries. Give me a plate of fries, my eyes glaze over, I ask for a bottle of Ranch, and within minutes the fries and Ranch have become part of my body. Bad news when they keep bringing you free refills of fries. Anyway. I saw an old familiar favorite on the menu... something that I *love* and know from my past experience on Atkins and South Beach is a pretty safe bet: chicken fajitas. Yeah! I love 'em. I make them at home sometimes and have them over a salad. Skip the tortillas and you have a nice, low carb dish (I am not low carbing, but still, it is nutritious and fits in the calorie budget. If you want low fat as well, you'll have to tell them to go easy on the oil and skip the guacamole and sour cream too, but for me, guacamole and sour cream MAKE the dish!)

I ordered my fajitas, "no tortillas, extra lettuce please." They came on a nice hot plate: sizzling chicken breast, red and green peppers, and onions. There were cute little hard shell tortilla bowls of guacamole, sour cream, and salsa (I did not eat the bowls) and a side dish of shredded lettuce. It was really good! I ate about 2/3 of the food and boxed the rest to have over a salad at home tomorrow. I had ice water with fresh lemon slices to drink.

I came home and looked up the nutrition facts for this meal. The usual calories for chicken fajitas? 970. But by skipping the tortillas I saved *400* calories... four hundred! ...for a total of 570. Since I skipped the shells and only ate 2/3 of the food, my dinner was well under 500 calories, and I was full and satisfied.

The rest of my day was simple: tea with milk & agave nectar as a starter, an egg over easy and a Bistro chicken sausage with a side of cantaloupe for breakfast, some iced green tea and half of a Dove dark chocolate bar for a snack. Lunch was a Lean Cuisine four cheese cannelloni and a huge plate of baked kale chips. Add in the fajita dinner and I came in at under 1300 calories for the day. No exercise, so this is pretty reasonable.

Don't let birthdays or holidays or other "special" occasions derail you. You can indulge and still be okay! A piece of birthday cake is working its way into my day tomorrow, but so are a lot of veggies and a nice long walk. It's all about balance. Celebrate life, not food.

Bracing Myself

Someone I love very dearly may be going through a life-threatening medical issue tomorrow and this week. I pray it isn't so, but I am trying to brace myself for the possible emotional fallout. I believe that by maintaining control over my eating when nothing else seems controllable, I will feel more stable and balanced. In the past, I would freak out and use food to comfort me. I will not do it this time, even if it means crying for an hour instead of stuffing my feelings down with junk. I'd rather suffer real pain than numb myself and replace emotional agony with the lame agony of bad knees and fat thighs. I think I'd rather honor this person with my real emotions. He is worth that much.

In fact, I love him more than I love anyone in this world, besides my own children.

Let it be okay. I need this to be okay. Not because of weight or food or stupid binges. Because I need this person in my life.

I Can't Diet. I'm Too Hungry.

Dieting is hard work. Cutting back on all your favorite foods when you're used to indulging in whatever you want until you are about to burst is no easy task. Yeah, I know, some people just have a light bulb moment and *boom* change everything and work hard and the weight comes off, period. But I think most people struggle with the whole lifestyle change thing.

How do you turn a taste for cheesecake and Reece's cups into a desire to eat more broccoli and cabbage? How do you train yourself to eat reasonable servings of food instead of entire packs of Oreos and pints of ice cream?

When you are used to eating a LOT of crap food, hour after hour, it is a big change to switch to a way of eating that is conducive to weight loss. I used to get up in the morning, drink a Coke, eat 3 or 4 slices of cold pizza, and then an hour later eat a couple of pieces of cake. By lunchtime I'd eaten at least 3 "meals" already... some of them consisting only of sugar and fat. My afternoon snack was a Big Mac meal at 3pm. And if you think dinner... with seconds and thirds of heaping plates of fettuccine Alfredo, 5 bread sticks, and banana pudding for dessert is the end of the day's eating, you're delusional. Because at 8 I'd have some ice cream and after I got the kids to bed I'd be eating 4 or 5 donuts at 10pm. Is it any wonder my heartburn was so bad that I often had to sleep propped up on pillows in a sitting position to avoid waking up choking on my own acid reflux? How do you go from THAT, to having breakfast, lunch, and dinner with maybe a snack or two in between? How do you cut your caloric intake by at least 75%?

You just do it. Sorry, there's no magic answer. You put the food down and tell your inner toddler, "No, you may NOT have 6 pieces of cake in one day." You let her tantrum and you just deal with it until she gets the point and accepts the food you've set out for her.

I want to clarify something. You do not have to be hungry to lose weight. "Dieting" does not mean deprivation. YES, it means you have to cut back. YES, you have to say *no* to things. But you can say *yes* to so much more!

YES to hundreds of varieties of crunchy, creamy, soft, sweet, and savory vegetables.
YES to an entire produce section of delicious, sweet, sour, juicy, tasty fruits.
YES to moving, walking, swimming, biking, feeling alive.
YES to fitting into restaurant booths, carnival rides, airplane seats, and smaller clothing sizes.
YES to life.

You can eat a great deal of healthy food for the same calories you used to spend on a junky snack. You can have a piece of frosted carrot cake for 425 calories. It will be a 3 OUNCE piece of cake. Do you know how small a 3 ounce piece of cake is?? It is barely a blip on the screen... a couple of bites. Or you can have an entire meal for even LESS calories. Which is more satisfying? What kind of skimpy "diet" lunch can you have for 400 calories, anyway? Well, you can have this...

My dinner Thursday was two Caprese stacks (red ripe tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and basil, drizzled with olive oil and topped with salt & pepper), a big fat juicy chicken sausage filled with garlic, smoked mozzarella, and artichokes, and a hearty serving of steamed baby Brussels sprouts. Very satisfying, flavorful, nutritious, and filling. 400 calories.

Is it better to have a tiny 3 ounce piece of cake for 425 calories and still be starving and wanting more more more? No. This meal is better, on every level. Even for satisfaction.

You can create so many different delicious, healthy meals that do NOT scream "diet" at you every time you eat them. You do not have to suffer through shakes and salads, wishing for something tastier. You just have to get your mind around it and go for it. If you're not feeling it, do it anyway. Fake it til you make it.

Have a great, active, healthy weekend!

Don't Even Think About It

Have you ever been obsessed? I'm betting a lot of readers are nodding their heads yes. Obsessed with a certain food until you get it, obsessed with a binge. Maybe obsessed with weight loss. Obsession, according to Webster, is "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling." Persistent being the key, here, IMO. You get thoughts about *wanting* something in particular and it is hard to get those thoughts out of your head.

Well, thoughts don't hurt anything. What's the big deal?

If you have ever had an obsession, you know what the big deal is. Those thoughts do not just go away. They turn into a reality of some sort... an action is born of those thoughts, and it is not always a pleasant result. It may not be exactly what you were obsessing about, because you try to moderate those thoughts with reason. But it usually isn't pretty.

A man obsessed with ice cream because he saw a commercial, or he heard someone mention it, or some other thing triggered this intense preoccupation with ice cream, might *know* eating ice cream is not fitting with his weight loss goals. He might try to distract himself. He goes into the kitchen and eats a big salad. Then he eats some crackers. Then a container of yogurt. Then some sugar free Popsicles. He might consume 500 calories trying to avoid the ice cream, and in the end he might *still* go get the ice cream he is obsessed with. His thoughts have become a reality of 500+ extra calories in his body.

A woman obsessed with sex might go out and behave in a manner that is contrary to her own morals. She might have sex with someone she just met, or someone who is married. She might sleep with several people. She might wake up in the morning feeling horrible about herself, and worse yet, she might contract an STD, destroy a marriage, or become pregnant as a result of her actions. Her thoughts gave birth to destructive actions with dire consequences.

A person obsessed with getting high might drive around a dark city at night, looking for a dealer, trying to find some drugs. They might leave their children home alone, leave their spouse wondering what has become of them. They may be late to work the next day and be unable to fulfil their job duties. Their thoughts about wanting to escape reality have, in fact, changed their reality... but not for the better.

So, I think the key here is to not even begin to think about things that are going to get you in trouble. Yes, I know obsessions and compulsions can be very hard to control, but with practice it gets easier. (If it doesn't, you may need medication for that). But most of us, I think, if we are aware, can stop our thoughts in the beginning and replace them with thoughts that will lead to more productive actions.

If it takes not watching TV to stop being triggered by food commercials, so be it. If it means you need to take up a new hobby or a sport or immerse yourself in some other distraction, fine. If you have to become obsessed with rollerblading or playing basketball or reaching some goal you have in mind for yourself, go for it. That kind of obsession is probably going to take you down a better path than the other kind of obsession. After all, Webster's second definition of obsession is "a compelling motivation." One can be compelled to change their lives for the better, too.

Moderation in thoughts *and* actions is best, of course, but we gotta work with what we have. We have to train our minds to be moderate. We have to practice being what we want to become.

You become what you dwell upon, one way or another. You have to let go of the binge thinking to become something other than a binge eater. Addiction is like that. It's an intense hanging-on to things that could destroy us. And to break that, we have to let go. For me, working backwards up the chain of thoughts has led me to the very beginning, to the mantra "don't even think about it." If it is not going to benefit you, let it go. Put your mind to something better.