Real Life

I am feeling a little bummed tonight. I had gotten out these denim jean capris to wear to a meeting today... ones that fit just fine... and they are so super-tight on the belly that I literally had to UNBUTTON them to eat my breakfast! But I kept 'em on all day, to remind me to be moderate with my eating. (Note to self: bad idea. Self-torture does not set the tone for a happy, confident mood). The thing is, these are the capris that I threw into the "retired" pile last summer because they were too big. In fact, I had been washing them in HOT water and drying them on super high heat to make them shrink up a bit, and still, I had to make sure I wore specific, non-silky underwear with these pants because if I wore silky ones, the capris would actually FALL DOWN. But today, they were hurting my gut they were so tight. It makes me mad.

It makes me mad that if I would just drop 25 pounds, I would be in a whole new world... yet I have not seen the scale move significantly downward in AGES. Seriously. Being around 240 pounds versus being around 215? Night and day. I sometimes feel like I may as well be 280 because my weight keeps me from doing SO MUCH stuff.

At 215, I could hike 1.8 miles of steep terrain... with effort... but I could do it and be okay.
At 240, I go out and walk a mile and a half and I am hobbling, exhausted, drained.

At 215, I could do all of my housework easily and enjoyably. I could move freely as I mopped, vacuumed, dusted.
At 240, I have to sit down in between. My legs hurt. My feet ache. My fat arms get in the way.

At 215, I had an entire wardrobe of nice clothing. I could pop up in the morning and choose form lots of pretty things to wear. I always looked good.
At 240, I am limited in what's left to wear. What I have is tight, or getting faded, getting holes in them, or just doesn't look right. I have to do laundry more often because I have so few pieces in the "right" size that look okay.

At 215, I could go anywhere and feel like a fairly normal person.
At 240, I go out and I feel like I stand out as the Fat Chick. I am embarrassed. I hate it.

I have been making effort. I have made progress. I have stayed off fast food, gotten more sleep, been more active. Yet tonight when I sat down to plan my day tomorrow, I felt the fat rolls around my middle bunching up in a most uncomfortable manner... a manner that does NOT OCCUR at 215 pounds because there ARE no fat rolls around my middle at 215 pounds. And I thought, something's gotta give. I so do not want to live like this anymore. Yeah, I have kept off 40 pounds. But it is NOT ENOUGH!! At my age, my body just cannot keep going at this weight and be well. I am unable to walk long distances... not because I lack fitness... but because I am too heavy for my knees and feet to carry. Lately I am back to the point where I wake up in the morning and think, Crap. I am still fat. This has to change.

You know, it's funny. The reason I am blogging this is because tonight, after the fat-roll incident, I thought, "It would do me good to sit down with a notebook and just journal out my feelings about my weight each night. Get them out in the open. Deal with it instead of NOT dealing with it." And then I thought, a notebook? I HAVE A BLOG! I can just write it out in my blog.

I hesitated. The thing about a blog is, it's not just personal anymore. People read it. People judge. I might get an email saying "Gee you were SO positive YESTERDAY and now you are all whining and sounding like a basket case!" Well, ya know, that's life. Real life is not one big carnival ride... wheeee! Isn't this fun! No. Real life has REAL emotions, and it is NORMAL to have many, many emotions on any given day or week or month. Sometimes we feel happy. Sometimes we are sad. Sometimes hopeful, other times, discouraged. Just because THIS post might sound like I am "down" does not mean I am all depressed, had a horrible day, or will go to bed sobbing in a bag of chips. It is just a snapshot of my many varied emotions. It helps to get the feelings and thoughts out. And, in fact, I feel BETTER just putting it all out there.

So you can expect to see more "raw footage" of my life. Don't worry, I am not a mental case, and I am not in any kind of anguish, really, over my fat. I am just thinking out loud, here. Processing. You know?

Anyway, tomorrow is my official monthly weigh-in and I am pretty much expecting it not to be pleasant. I feel bloated as heck. Too much salt today, although I ate very healthy meals and snacks up until dinnertime when I chose 2 slices of pizza because I was too exhausted to cook the chicken after errands all day and a 1.5 mile brisk walk. I ate a handful of salted peanuts, too. Which were so good, and a better PMS-breaker than the old choice of Pringles and hot dogs. But yeah, I am bloated and I am not looking forward to the scale.

I guess I have to go back to calorie counting. Nothing else seems to really work for me. I keep fighting it, wanting to "just eat healthy" but I can see that calorie counting is probably the only way I am gonna get this weight off. I've been trying to avoid it because it takes time and is annoying after the novelty wears off, but I am *deciding* now that everything I eat in October is going to be counted. Maybe then I will finally see a decent loss.

I am going to bed soon. And when I do, I am going to pat this fat roll around my middle and tell it goodbye. It's just not welcome here anymore.

See you in the morning.

Decisions

When I was a little kid, my mother was pretty fanatical about religion. I've mentioned this before; in fact, when I became a teen, I was even *more* fanatical about it than my mother was, spending a huge amount of my time in religious study and church activities. Not that there's anything wrong with wrapping your life around that stuff, if it works for you. My experience was not in a mainstream religion, though. I doubt many readers have had to go through some of the things I did as a small child. But I won't go into that right now.

There is something I learned from religion... not only from THAT religion, but also for the slightly more 'normal' religion I chose as an adult. It's about decisions.

During all of my young years, I was taught that I should wait until I am married to have sex. (Great plan, BTW. I hope my kids follow this principle!) Adults talked to me about the temptations I would face among my non-believing peers; it seems that the whole world was filled with people who didn't have the same morals standards that I had. I was warned that there would be pressures from boys, men, and even other girls to just "give in" and have sex.

"You will if you love me."
"Everyone is doing it!"
"You are missing out!"
"You're a prude."
"It feels so good!"
and my favorite from the aroused teen boys, "But I am in pain and I need a release!"

I was ready for all their arguments. I knew what I wanted: to be a virgin on my wedding night. And NO ONE was going to stop me from reaching that goal. It was important to me.

Same thing with drugs. I knew I would be pressured to try things in high school, but I was not going to do those kinds of things. Drugs did not fit in with the life I wanted for myself. So no drugs for me.

The thing that was the most helpful to me as a young person was this advice:
"Just make up your mind ahead of time what your boundaries are. Don't wait for a situation to arise and THEN try to decide what you are going to do. Decide NOW, and then the rest is simple."

Oh so true.

Because I decided I was not taking my pants down for ANYONE but my husband, I did not have to worry and try to decide what I would do each time a boy pressured me to let him touch me.

Because I decided I was not going to touch ANY boy or man except my husband, I did not feel confused and waver each time a boy tried to get me into his bedroom and ask me to do things to him.

Because I decided I was NEVER going to use drugs, there was no instant decision to make every time a peer offered me a toke or a pill or a sniff.

I decided ahead of time where my boundaries were, so that in any given situation I could not be surprised or cajoled into doing something that was against my morals.

This really works well for eating habits, too. You can decide NOW what you will or will not do in regard to eating. Is Halloween candy a problem for you? Decide NOW what you will do about it.

"I will buy stickers or tattoos to hand out on Halloween instead of candy."

Then, when you are in the store and there is a sale on Halloween candy, you won't have to think about it. The decision is already made.

Are Christmas cookies a problem for you?

"I will give any gifts of Christmas cookie to my neighbors and I will give myself a delicious pomegranate instead."

Then, when someone gives you a plate of cookies, you can just re-gift them to the neighbor without even considering whether to eat one.

Just like my decision to NOT eat fast food. I made that DECISION. It was not something I am going to "try" or "see how I feel" about it. It is my decision. So now I do not have to think about it every time I drive past McDonald's, Burger King, and Arby's. I already decided.

Making one decision ahead of time is so much easier than making 50 different little decisions on every occasion that the issue arises. I think this applies to a lot of things: exercise, bedtime, relationship boundaries. What can you do to cut back on the number of decisions you make? Is there ONE decision you can make that, once made, will simplify your other choices?

Making those decisions as a kid served me well. I was a virgin when I got married at age 20, and I never tried drugs. Goals are easier to meet when boundaries are decided ahead of time.

Tomorrow is a new month. I can hardly believe it. I am making the most of this last day of September, and looking forward to a new month to keep working my goals.

Fall, and the Benefits of Simplicity

I am really, really, super-tired lately. I have that "fall" feeling... the one that usually leads to hibernation. In the past, fall was my signal to snuggle in, not leave my house, and spend the day baking goodies (to warm up the house, of course), making cream soups like beer cheese or potato cheese with bacon, and sipping mug after mug of rich hot chocolate or coffee with loads of creamers (to stay warm, ya know). From September to May, it was just one big eat-fest/slumber party. Holiday fare was not just for holidays! Is it any wonder I always "fattened up" for winter?

Part of the slowdown and drive to eat is natural, I guess. When it gets cold, an extra layer of fat does keep you warm. But at 278 pounds I did not need an extra layer of fat. And I don't need one now. That's what sweaters and flannel pajamas are for! Still, I really do feel my body and brain *wanting* to sleep more, stay inside, and eat. I feel sluggish. Maybe it's already time for me to break out the full-spectrum lightbox again and head off the usual January seasonal affective disorder before it gets bad. Or, I could just take my butt outside more often and get some natural light. It's not THAT cold yet.

In fact, it's perfect weather for walking or exercising outside. Cool enough for comfort but not chilly. I can embrace fall with cups of hot tea and bowls of healthy, veggie-filled soups. I can warm up the house by roasting vegetables like green beans or kale. Comfort foods like baked sweet potatoes or acorn squash give me a cozy feeling. I can also warm up by lifting weights. And that will all make me feel better and more energetic.

Don't fall into the trap of "Holiday Season" this year, where you start eating unhealthy fall goodies NOW, keep on munching on mini candy bars all through Halloween, then binge through Thanksgiving and bake through Christmas, all the while throwing your hands in the air and saying, "well, I can't start a diet NOW, after all, in a couple weeks it will be Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/someone's birthday/some special occasion." Because then, of course, you HAVE to wait until January 1st, right? Because everyone ELSE is starting their diets then, right? So you HAVE to wait. In fact, better wait until January 2nd, because New Years Day is a holiday too and all full of goodies.

See where I'm going with this? If you're gonna do this, at least don't lie to yourself. Just say, "I don't care, I do not want to lose weight right now. It is not that important to me and I don't think it's a big deal. In fact, I may GAIN weight for the next 3 months and that is just fine. I will give it another try on January 2nd, but for now, it just isn't worth my effort. I will just stay fat." That way you are not spending all kinds of effort playing mental games with yourself and stressing over jumping through the hoops of "should have" and "ought to." Either do it or don't. It's your business.

I've been looking through my cupboards and noticing that I have WAY too much variety in there. I tend to buy things on a whim: Oh, that orange-tuna-in-a-pouch looks interesting, let's buy some of that. Hey, that canned lentil soup might be good, I better get some. Oh, I might want some canned salmon someday, even though my son catches it fresh all the time and my freezer is stocked. Maybe a box of instant potatoes would come in handy someday. Or a box of Jiffy mix. There's a sale on protein bars, better buy 10! Might be handy to have a jar of every kind of nut known to man, in 20 different flavors...

Then all that stuff SITS in there because I forget to use it. I keep cooking things in my regular rotation instead. I am going to STOP the impulse buying, even if things are on sale. I need to simplify my cabinets because all the cluttered choices give me a headache and I can't even see the healthy options.

My ideal cupboard is simple. It looks like this:
Water-packed tuna
Pinto beans, kidney beans, chickpeas (canned)
Whole grain spaghetti noodles and high fiber macaroni pasta
Jar of pasta sauce, cans of diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, tomato paste
Dry roasted peanuts, raw plain almonds, walnuts, pecans, cashews
A can of green beans, maybe 2-3 cans of healthy soup and a quart of low sodium chicken broth
A can of pears in juice, some canned mandarins, a jar of natural applesauce
Scottish oats, Quaker oatmeal (plain), dry brown rice
Bag of red lentils, brown lentils, and split peas
Agave nectar, herbs & spices, seasonings

That's really about it. Anything else is just confusion. If THAT was my cupboard it would be so much easier to make healthy choices! Combined with a fridge full of fresh fruits, veggies, skim milk, and eggs, and a freezer containing salmon, chicken, turkey, and a bit of lean ground beef/bison, I am good. Really. How much easier would this be, than having to dig through 10 boxes of "healthy" granola bars, 3 bags of pretzels, 15 cans of weird sauces and concoctions I *wanted* to try, and 9 boxes of crackers to get to the one can of tuna I wanted for lunch??

I can't afford to just ignore all the food in the house, so I am going to make a point of serving up all this ridiculous stuff that is clogging my cabinets and then NOT replacing it. I will stick to a short list of essentials and then if I want to make some special recipe I can go out and get the ingredients for it when I need them. I admit that some of the "stuffed cupboards" syndrome is an almost subconscious fear of not having enough money to buy food; I have been in that position before, and not being able to buy milk or basics for my children was pretty tough. Right now I know if the money was gone at least we have enough food to last a month or two, even if it is weird stuff like mango chutney. I think to counter this fear AND prepare for the future, I will stock up on basics as I make room by using up the random stuff. For example, when I have used up enough stuff to clear a shelf, I will buy a case of tuna or canned beans when they go on sale. I'd rather have the usual staples on hand in case of emergency anyway, rather than trying to concoct a supper out of a box of minute rice, a can of deviled ham, and a bottle of Green Goddess dressing.

The scale is not budging right now, but I am excited that I have kept my 2 big life changes this week. I have done well at getting more sleep; going to bed around 10 has had its challenges but for the most part I am there. And NO fast food. None. Even when we went to the mall to get cheap portraits done of my daughter, and for a split second I tried to convince myself that Sbarro's Pizza is NOT fast food because there is no drive thru (it's in the food court). I told myself to get over it and we came home and ate real food instead. I have got to increase the exercise, though. More walking, etc. I think that will be my goal for the coming week. Thirty minutes a day, no excuses. Gotta get back in the habit!

Here's to a simple life, and learning to enjoy the basics.

Gluttony

Does gluttony have a place in your life? Really. Does it? Are you a glutton? I ask myself this, too. And if we discover that we are gluttons, is that okay? What is gluttony, anyway?

Gluttony derives from the Latin word gluttire, which means to gulp down or swallow. And 'gluttony' is defined as excess or overindulgence in eating. Well, everyone does that once in awhile. But when it becomes a regular habit, that makes you a glutton.

(Bear with me here; this really is NOT a religious post). In the Traditional List of Seven Deadly Sins, gluttony is listed together with fornication and greed as sins of lust. Lust after someone's body, after money, or after a quart of ice cream: same basic root. Immoderate want and lack of control leading to doing something that may not be good for you or anyone else (like getting an STD, going to jail for embezzlement, or having a heart attack from too many Big Macs).

Thomas Aquinas was a Roman Catholic priest in the 1200's (now considered a Saint) who had some interesting thoughts about what he called the 'sin' of gluttony. I personally am not Roman Catholic, but I find his writings thought-provoking nonetheless. He was a great theologian and philosopher. Not that I agree with everything he says; my idea of binge eating is more of a 'defect' than a 'sin' but let's not get all religious, shall we? Let's talk about what Thomas Aquinas had to say about gluttony, from a non-religious, purely physical/mental perspective.

Thomas wrote, "The vice of gluttony does not reside in the substance of the food, but in the appetite ill-regulated by reason."

Ah. We need to eat to live. Food is pleasurable to eat. And if we eat and enjoy our food, within reason, that's not a problem! Makes sense.

Thomas defined gluttony as "inordinateness of appetite" in two respects: the food that is eaten, and the actual eating. Getting either thing wrong can lead you to gluttony.

His examples of gluttony stemming from food choices include:
Seeking expensive dishes
Seeking dishes "too elaborately prepared"
Seeking to eat a great quantity of food (aka "too much")

The examples of gluttony in the eating process are:
Eating too soon (before the "due time of eating")
Eating too fast ("hastily")
Eating too eagerly (improper manner of eating; "greedily")

Well. That's interesting, isn't it? Here is Thomas Aquinas giving us basically a 13th century diet plan! Eat simply, eat just until you're full, eat enough to sustain yourself but not more, don't snack too much, slow down, use your manners and enjoy your food! As an added bonus, you avoid a deadly sin!

Thomas explains that when we focus SO INTENTLY on having special, fancy, rich foods, it takes away from more important things in life. It skews our attention too much towards FOOD and our own DESIRES. We might even get obsessed. Because when a person gets used to having all kinds of goodies, then a plain piece of chicken breast with brown rice and steamed broccoli just isn't going to cut it, even though it is a perfectly fine, nourishing meal. Well, he didn't say that. But that's what I got from it.

And then Thomas said some really cool things that are totally true in my experience. He talks about problems that are the "daughters of gluttony." He says, regarding the effect of gluttony:
"first on the part of the reason, the edge of which is dulled by immoderation in meat and drink; and in this respect dulness of perception in intellectual things." Wow, he totally described the sugar fog, didn't he? If you have ever gone OFF of sugar, you know how the fog lifts and your brain feels like it is working so much better. And besides that, can you really sit down and write a research paper or do calculus problems after you had a huge Thanksgiving dinner and stuffed yourself into oblivion? Nah, you need a nap. Thomas was right; gluttony affects your brain. your perception, your reason. He DID explain that after overeating there is a "dullness of sense in the understanding, on account of the fumes of food disturbing the brain." Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. Dorito fumes. Not good.

He also referred to "the guidance of reason slumbering under the immoderate load of meat and drink." Interesting. We all know how getting drunk makes some people unreasonable and leads to some foolish behaviors and choices. I think eating the wrong kinds and amounts of food can do the same thing. We may not get drunk, but how reasonable is it to sneak candy out of your kids' Easter baskets while they are asleep, or shovel down a piece of cake in the bathroom so no one sees you? How reasonable is it to buy junk food when you don't even have enough money to pay the bills? Or to sit on the couch on the computer all day eating chips and cookies instead of doing the work you SHOULD be doing? Get off the food overload. Reason and mental clarity soon return.

So, I didn't write this post to point fingers, or make anyone feel bad. I wrote it because I think most people would agree that gluttony is *not* something we want in our lives. Moderation is. Temperance is. Reasonableness is. We tend to think of gluttony as just eating too much; it's enlightening to consider all the facets that may be contributing to whatever eating problem we may be facing. I personally never really thought about all the various aspects in which I have allowed myself to get crazy with food. And I think it is a good thing to ponder our faults a bit so we may change them. Maybe a piece of fish and some vegetables and rice... enough to meet our needs... is a blessing. I am going to try and cultivate a simpler eye towards food and a more moderate attitude as well. Enjoy it? Sure. But not let it be an obsession anymore. I have too much else to live for.

Breaking Down the Issues

This is going to be sort of a self-reflection post, meant to tear apart the weaknesses in my healthy eating plan. Follow along if you like, but it may be disjointed!

I've been thinking about the why's of *not* losing weight or not sticking to a plan 100% (or close to it). I mean, it seems like if a person decides to accomplish something, knows how to do it, and the something is reasonably doable, it would just *happen.* Yeah, there'd be work. But there is just no reason for me not to be dropping pounds consistently. I think there are some little slip-ups that need to be corrected.

#1: I am tired ALL the time. I mean, I am just exhausted. I feel like a truck hit me some days and have zero energy. It's a vicious cycle: no energy, don't exercise, no energy. Or, no energy, eat junk, no energy. That's how it works. I am MAKING myself exercise and FORCING myself to eat healthy but it is just draining. I remember when I weighed 214 and had SO much energy. Life felt vibrant. The extra 25 pounds is just sucking the life out of me! And I am totally not getting enough sleep. I stay up til 11 working on stuff and get to sleep around 12. And then my daughter wakes up several times in the night, so I wake up at least 3-4 times a night. Then she is up bright and early at 6am. This is just not working out for me. I feel so tired in the morning that I am DRAGGING around the living room and kitchen, half asleep.

The solution to this? Well, most importantly I have to keep eating healthy foods and avoiding junk. If I start eating junk again it will just make the energy issue worse. I am taking vitamins, including B supplements for energy, so I need to keep doing that too. I think the biggest change that needs to occur here is getting enough sleep. Six hours of interrupted sleep is not cutting it. So I am going to make an effort to get 8 hours a night. I'll have to get to bed earlier... around 10. I don't like it. I am a night owl. But something has to give, here. I ain't a spring chicken anymore! So, bedtime at 10. I think that will help.

#2: I am always trying to decide what to eat and am (again) too tired to do the prep. That's the main reason I was eating so much fast food: too tired to come home and make a sandwich. Pathetic, I know. But true. I think fixing the tiredness will improve this but there's more that can be done. I HATE meal planning. I have been ULTRA resistant to making out a menu for a week or even a day. All my life I have "winged it" because I really like eating what I WANT to. And even with the healthy eating, I like listening to my body. Sometimes I feel like I need more protein, or I crave some greens, or maybe some whole grain bread sounds good. I do not want to eat a bowl of oatmeal when I am cravings eggs. Ya know?

But not planning means a lot of spontaneous decisions. And those kinds of choices, when hungry, can be less than optimal. If I don't have a lunch plan and I come home ravenous, I go into the kitchen, desperate for something to sustain me and end up grabbing the first thing I see because, after all, who wants to steam broccoli and grill a chicken breast when they're famished?

I often am in the middle of trying to prep something healthy to eat and WISH I had some cooked vegetables to just throw in a dish, or some washed fruit, or some cooked protein. This, I can fix.

I think I need a happy medium, where I have choices but they are planned, healthy choices. I can do this if I just take a day or two each week for basic prep work. I can cook some chicken and maybe another lean protein, slice it up and have it in containers in the fridge, ready to add to salads or sandwiches or to eat as a meal with veggies. I can cut up some raw veggies like carrots and broccoli and have them in the fridge, ready to eat. I can steam a big pot of broccoli once a week and keep it in the fridge in containers. I use a LOT of zucchini in things, but I HATE steaming it every day, so I can steam a whole bunch of it once a week and have it sliced and cooked and ready to use in the fridge. And I can prep salad greens so they are washed, torn, and ready to just throw on a plate on a whim.

This all seems intuitive and simple but if you recall the garbage I grew up eating, and the fact that I ate in restaurants alot, you'll realize why this simple, time-saving step never worked its way into my life before now.

So here's my "easy prep" ideas:
Wash and cut up fruit
Wash and cut up raw veggies
Steam veggies and have them in the fridge for instant use (I think I'll do 2 or 3 a week)
Wash and prep salad greens in a container
Cook 2 different lean meats, slice and have ready in the fridge
Make one pot of healthy soup per week just to have on hand in the fridge
Keep cans of tuna and beans in the cabinet for easy protein

So, I figure if I do this, it will greatly improve my impulsive choices when I am hungry and have nothing really planned. If you have any other ideas for easy, once or twice a week food prep, let me know. And if you have some magic way to keep salad greens fresh and crisp in the fridge for a week, I want to hear that too! I hate soggy salad.

Okay, I feel better. I have a plan. I even bought some chicken breasts and a pork tenderloin that I can cook this weekend and have on hand for the week. I'll be searching the web for a tasty, healthy, low cal soup recipe that I can make tomorrow too.

Have a great weekend!

Getting Back to Business

Have you ever wondered HOW people get it together enough to *really* lose weight? I mean lose weight consistently, long term... not just going on a diet for a couple of weeks and then exclaiming "oooooh, lookie me, I lost ten pounds!!" just before gaining it all back at the local ice cream shop. I mean those "success stories" you see where people wake up one day, say "I am sick of being fat" and then drop all their excess weight and become, literally, a new person. How's that happen?? Why is it so elusive for others?

I'm sure a lot of people thought I was gonna be one of those people back in 2008 when I dropped 64 pounds in less than a year. I was getting all kinds of emails asking me for my secret, how I got the "willpower," what was the magic bullet? In fact, there isn't a magic bullet and in my case it has been a day to day... sometimes hour to hour... web of decisions that lead to weight loss or gain.

My entire first year blogging was spent figuring out what works to get the pounds off, physically. I learned what to eat or not eat, how many calories I needed to ingest to see a loss each week, and what kinds of exercise worked for me. I was busy trying new fruits and veggies, making new recipes, changing my tastes and habits. And that's all great. That may be all it takes for a lot of people to lose all the weight. Throw in a binge eating disorder, however, and you've got another story.

My second year of blogging was spent delving into the mental and emotional issues that have made it nearly impossible to *really* drop all the weight and keep it off. I fought through binges. I felt feelings that were difficult to allow into my life. I faced a lot of fears. And I really got a grip on the binge eating in a major way. In fact, I feel *almost* in complete control over the binge eating now. That's huge for me. It took a lot of tears, hysteria, anger, sadness, joy, reminiscing, and living to get to this point. I am pretty proud of myself.

While I was busy working on the mental stuff, I gave the eating and exercise a halfhearted effort. I'd eat right for a few days, then go back to the easiness and comfort of eating junk (not bingeing, mind you. Just eating junk instead of healthy foods for my regular meals and snacks). I'd exercise for a week and then be lazy for a week. I'd count calories for a couple days and then just wing it. I let myself really slack with the food/exercise discipline, because it seemed more important to deal with the binge issues... and frankly, while I was trying to overcome the binge eating I just did not have the focus to *also* be 100% dedicated to eating and moving for weight loss.

So, I'm in a place that a lot of people are in where they want to lose weight but their efforts are not concentrated enough to really do it. You know, the kind of effort where you eat healthy part time?

Yesterday I had a good eating day. It was a day that *would* lead to weight loss, almost:
Breakfast: coffee, 1 egg over easy, sauteed baby zucchini, 1 toasted whole grain English muffin with 1 tsp butter, and iced green tea.
Lunch: leftover potato soup mixed with a huge serving of steamed broccoli, with a half serving of whole grain crackers and iced green tea
Snack 1: apple, 1T almond butter, string cheese
Snack 2: chocolate protein shake
Dinner: cup of leftover lean chili and a plate of steamed kabocha squash

This was all well and good, and in fact is an example of an "ideal" day for me. Stop there? Lose weight. But at 9pm I got hungry, and instead of a few almonds or some tea, I ate a bowl of raisin bran with skim milk and about 3 ounces of cheddar cheese. That, my friends, is enough to STOP weight loss and maybe even lead to a gain (speaking hypothetically, as if I were eating this exact menu every day for 6 months). And I also didn't exercise yesterday. I have all the excuses... tired, busy, kids, sore knees. Bottom line? This was not a weight loss day.

How does one get back into the mode of doing what needs to be done, day in, day out, for the pounds to slide off? Well, there's no magic. It's that split second where you say, "Nah, I am not going to eat anything else today. Maybe some tea, that's all." It's the moment you just PRY yourself off the couch and force yourself to walk or bike or lift weights even though you really do not feel like it. Easier said than done, but certainly not impossible.

I think this is where "How badly do you want it?" comes into play. Really. Are you only doing this weight loss thing because your boyfriend thinks you're too fat? Are you doing it because society says your current size is unacceptable? Do you even really WANT to lose weight? It's okay if the answer is no. It's okay to say, "You know, I don't really want to lose any weight. I like being the way I am." It's okay... as long as it's REALLY true, not an excuse to overeat, and you are truly willing to take the consequences of your obesity, including health risks, discrimination, and not fitting into normal sized lawn chairs. Maybe the reason you struggle is because you haven't clearly defined WHY you want to do it. You have to internalize the change. You have to decide what you really want from life.

Is it worth it to you to stay obese if that means you can eat more foods you enjoy?
Is it worth it to you to be limited in your mobility so you can ingest more calories?
Are you okay with trading your health or your dream of being a certain size for a pan of brownies? Maybe. Only you can answer that.

Me, I don't want the junk anymore. My taste buds want it, but *I* don't. I want freedom of movement and I want energy. I want to feel good about myself when I look in the mirror.

My goals are as follows:

NO more fast food. This includes any establishment with a drive through window. I am making one exception to this, and it is Starbucks. I like a latte maybe twice a month. Eventually this is probably going to get cut out too. Especially if I find a roach in my coffee.

Eating more whole foods and less processed junk. I am looking at every food I bring into the house and deciding whether I want it to become part of my body. I am also changing my little girl's diet accordingly, and she is not exactly thrilled. Yesterday she was begging for a Happy Meal but I came home instead and gave her a plate of whole wheat crackers, hummus, carrot sticks, strawberries, blueberries, banana slices, grapes, and baked chicken nuggets instead. She glared at all the produce and said she didn't LIKE any of it, but I did get her to taste each thing (it all ended up spit into her napkin, though, as she has some texture/gagging issues as a result of being on a ventilator as an infant). She did eat the hummus, chicken, and crackers...

So that's it. Time to put into play everything I've learned from the past two years, physical, mental, and emotional. I have the tools I need now to counter the binge eating. Now it is just a matter of getting the junk out of my system and keeping it out. Day by day. You with me?

Power

Last night I was reading a favorite message board when I saw this: One year ago today, I said to myself "I WILL lose 100 lbs." Holy moley. Is that inspiring or WHAT??

There is another woman on the same message board who I have watched go from 377 pounds one year ago to 226 today. I read these things and my head spins. I know it is possible with HARD WORK for ANY of us to drop our weight. A year went by really fast, didn't it? What can we do with one year?

We can change old bad habits to new, good ones. We can be strong and persistent. We can be healthy. We can lose weight.

Yeah, I have a binge eating disorder. I think that does complicate matters but because I have spent the entire last year dealing with the mental side of binge eating, I think I have a pretty good grip on that behavior now. Now, it's a matter of controlling what I put in my mind, what I put in my grocery cart, what I put in my mouth. That and some good old fashioned exercise will get me to where I want to be.

Where do you want to be in a year? Close your eyes. Picture the possibilities. If weight loss is your goal, imagine yourself in one year at the same weight you are today. How do you feel about that? What are you thinking when you step on the scale in one year and weigh the same? Now imagine yourself in one year, 40 pounds heavier. How does that feel? What do you wish you could tell your former self, one year ago? Tell yourself now. Finally, imagine yourself lighter, by whatever amount YOU would like to lose in one year. How does it feel to be 40, 50, 100 pounds lighter? Was it worth it?

I would *love* to lose 100 pounds in a year. I think it *may* be a bit of a stretch for me, but stretching is good. I teeter between 238 and 242 lately. What if I weighed 142 in a year? When I think about that, I remember the last time I weighed 142. I was very young. It's been about 20 years. Maybe I will be happy at a higher weight and decide to stop at, say, 165, but what a wonderful thing to realize that *I* get to set my goal, and *I* can work to reach it.

I own me. You own you. No one is forcing the Ding Dongs down your throat. No one is making you eat Big Macs or chips or whatever other junk you're eating. People around us *can* make it hard, by buying junk, offering it to us, even trying to insist we eat it. But ultimately YOU are in control of your body. I am in control of mine.

I feel such a great sense of power rising up from within. I am shedding my weaknesses and taking the steering wheel of my life. I think it is an awesome thing to transform that kind of inner power into something tangible: not only the will to eat healthy foods but also the actual, literal MUSCLE that forms on my body when I am working hard. I love translating my inner strength into real, solid power on my body. That's why I love strength training!

I really, really love who I am becoming. Each one of us needs to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I am living to my potential. I am living the life I choose. I have the power."

Now make it happen.

Lighter

Lately, I have felt like weight is just *falling* off me. No, I haven't seen a huge drop on the scale; I mean a different kind of weight. I never realized it until recently but I had been living with a lot of emotional burden, expectations, and anxiety that was helping to keep me fat. It was as if I was trying to walk through life wrapped in layer after layer of thick metal chains. And lately... since the funeral, I guess... I feel like the links are just cracking and dropping off. Each link that falls to the ground takes another stretch of heavy chain with it, and I can literally *feel* the relief as they go.

I used to live with a lot of fear. The what-ifs kept me tangled in indecision because of my anxiety about what *may* happen. Whatif I leave my husband and he takes the children? Whatif I go to that group meeting and no one talks to me? Whatif I stand up for myself and get knocked on my butt? Whatif I am a single mom again and can't pay the bills? Whatif I get a job and make a fool of myself and end up getting fired because I do not have a good enough knowledge base? Whatif I write something and no one likes it? Whatif I lose weight and I still don't like the way I look?

No more. I am going to DO what my integrity demands and worry about the whatifs IF and when they occur.

I've made some decisions that have firmed up my boundaries with others; now I need to draw lines for *myself* that I will not cross. Such as, I will not do things that cause harm to myself. I will not make excuses about who I am or why. I will not mistreat my body anymore, and I will show myself the respect I deserve. If I demand it of others, it seems only right to demand it of myself.

It is DISRESPECTFUL to put junky food into my body without regard to my health. Even though I *know* certain foods are bad for me, make me fat, make me unhappy, I still have been eating them. Even though I have *seen* the nastiness that hides in the fast food kitchen, I go get it anyway. NO MORE.

Years ago I used to go through the drive thru of Taco Bell a LOT. Hey, it's cheap tacos when you're in a hurry on the way home from work and school, just picked up the kids from daycare, and need to get them fed ASAP. So I'd throw my dollars at that pit of salt and fat so they could give me "food" that was not only slowly killing me, but also giving my children a taste for crap. One day I was sitting in the parking lot of the Taco Bell eating my second Chalupa supreme of the day, when I bit into something that seemed *out of place.* It had the consistency of a superdry pork rind, but when the smell and taste hit me I recognized it instantly as the smell of Something Dead. I retched and spewed into my wrapper and watched as the dark, dark brown and black chunks came out of my mouth. I opened the car door and threw up on the pavement. I was rinsing my mouth with Pepsi and trying to get every last particle OUT of my teeth. I went home and complained, but of course they told me it was just a little "overcooked beef." Overcooked beef my ass.

I never went back to Taco Hell. I drive by it every day but there is NO WAY I will EVER eat anything from there again. For a year, the mere memory of that taste in my mouth made me gag. Do you think I am the only one? Do you think there hasn't been something nasty in YOUR food?

The other day I was driving my daughter home from preschool. I had a coupon for a free vanilla ice cream cone at McDonald's, so I thought I'd treat my daughter. So I got her that and got myself the usual double scoop of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. Driving home I am sucking away on this ice cream cone, having an intimate experience with this cold creamy delight when I see a tiny black dot. I wonder if it is dirt. Or maybe a chocolate chip. I pick at it and it pops out from where I was just licking. IT IS A DEAD FLY. OH MY F&^%$&#$ &*%*~!!!! I AM NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER going to McDonald's again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm still throwing up in my mouth a little thinking about this. And is that a fly wing I feel in my throat? Gah!

As the links clatter to the floor, I AM lighter. I will show MYSELF the respect I have deserved all along. I won't go back to eating cheap garbage made by teenagers who pick their noses and don't wash their hands after the toilet, who don't care about the cleanliness of the JOKE of a "food" being served. I won't serve my body TRASH anymore. That's what this whole journey boils down to, anyway: self respect. You can't have self respect if you are picking a bag of half-eaten cookies out of the garbage can because you are desperate for some sugar. You can't have self respect if you're stuffing your face at a buffet or a party or if you hide in the bathroom eating candy bars and putting the wrappers in the trash underneath all the used Kleenexes so no one will know. It is time to behave with some dignity.

It really is time for a change.

A Look into the Mind of a Troll

It's no secret that there are some really awful people out there in the world... people who seem to thrive on hurting others. If you've been blogging for long, you may have been the target of such nastiness, usually in the form of "Anonymous" comments left on your blog berating you, criticising you, calling you names or just being generally insulting. I think this happens more often on blogs with a wide readership, but I've had blog-friends who I know have been upset and even cried over this type of comments. I wonder what makes a person so mean. Don't you?

I am pretty sure that these "Trolls," as they are commonly called, have pretty crappy lives and low self esteem. Like the bully on the playground, they're trying to build themselves up by tearing others down. But the thing about Internet trolls is that they are not only mean-spirited, but they are cowards. They feel powerful because they can hide behind a fake name or an "Anonymous" comment and take stabs at people, then wait and watch for the tearful reaction. I think they chuckle with glee when someone posts a response and they know they have hit their target and caused a stranger emotional pain. It's a pretty sick scenario, by all counts.

What to do when you receive these kinds of hurtful comments? I've been asked this by several people. I think the answer is to realize that they are generally made by a sad person hiding behind their monitor with an unfulfilling life. They're probably jealous of you for some reason: your blog, your writing, your supporters, your weight loss. They probably are hurting and lashing out because they don't want to be alone in their misery. So, just delete the comments. Don't give them a second thought. Don't let them get to you. If someone really had something constructive to say, and if they cared about you or had a valid point, they'd express it in a more forthcoming manner, right? They'd email you if it was a personal issue, or they'd at least post their comment with their name or blog link listed. And they'd say it with some compassion. When a comment is flat out rude, harsh, or seems like an attack, that's probably because it was meant to be. They wanted to hurt your feelings. Don't give them the pleasure. Just delete.

But what if someone leaves you comments repeatedly? What if you got not one or two, but ten, twenty, thirty comments from the same person... all hateful, nasty, provocative comments? What if this went on not for days or weeks, but months, or even a year? What do you do then?

How would you feel if every week.... sometimes several times a week or even several times a DAY... you got harshy phrased comments telling you what a pathetic failure you are, making fun of your food choices, telling you that you need a wake up call and will never lose weight without therapy, criticizing every choice you make, telling you you'll stay fat unless you join Weight Watchers, insulting you, saying you are full of excuses and don't really want to lose weight, telling you you're in denial and nothing you are doing will ever work, saying they are annoyed and disgusted by you? Yeah, it gets old. If you knew all of these comments were coming from the same nasty person... and it was someone who was posing as a friend via email? If you found out that someone who claimed to be your friend was the one trolling your blog, what would you do then?

Well, I'll tell you what *I* am choosing to do. I am going to call them out.

Cathleen, I have had enough of your hateful, nasty, vindictive comments. Yes, I know who you are... your full name (which, because I am a decent sort, I am not disclosing at this time). I know where you live in BC. I have every IP address you have ever used to troll my blog, *including* your IP at work. Yep, I even saved the logs showing that these hateful comments were sometimes left from your place of employment. I have your work and home email addresses as well as your employer's email. I have a photograph of you as well, but again, being a decent sort, I chose not to post it on my blog.

This person has been commenting on my blog for over a year. She was nice, at first. But then the hostile comments started, signed by a fake name or left anonymously. I wasn't sure who was being so mean, but it became clear when I got my very first email from Cathleen. It was November 2008, and she told me she was very disappointed in me (for not losing weight), said "enough is enough" and told me I had "let her down" and should close down my blog because it was not helping anyone. I had no idea who she was so I just sent a note back asking if we had corresponded before (she signed her name to the emails, and sounded like she felt she "knew" me but I had no idea who she was). She wrote back:

"I would like to apologize for sending what I did, it was mean of me, I am feeling a bit mean today and took it out on you. That you didn't fire back and 'flame' me says a lot about your character. Much better than mine is today, I am afraid...

I wish you well and in future I will keep the nastiness out of my writing."

But sadly, she has not been able to keep that promise. You see, when someone emails you, you have their IP address. It's pretty easy to trace comments left on a blog with a free IP tracer. So when they matched up, I looked a little deeper. I started a trace on all those nasty comments and lo and behold they came from the same town where she lives. One of the IPs even traced to her place of employment (her name is up on their website). And with her email address, name, address, and IP, you can get a lot of information about a person.

She has emailed me several other times, pretending to be a supportive friend, telling me she has so much faith in me and wants me to succeed, and then turning around and leaving a hurtful anonymous comment on my blog with her next breath. And you know what? I have known for MONTHS that it was Cathleen leaving me these hateful, insulting comments, but I just kept deleting them (after tracing the IP and keeping a record). Yet I let it go. I figured she is miserable. I didn't want to cause drama. I did nothing in retaliation. Just kept deleting. Even when my children were sick and I was having surgery for pre-cancerous cervical cells and trying to fix a broken marriage, I deleted her nasty hurtful comments. But you know what? My friend died. I am hurting. I have had enough.

Cathleen, I have logs of your hundreds of visits, your insulting comments, and proof you did such at work. If you do not STOP leaving hate and vitriol all over my blog, I will turn the records over to the authorities. I will contact your employer and give them the records they need to see what you have been up to. I would highly suggest you leave me alone. Now.

I will no longer tolerate abuse from anyone. That includes you.

Different Steps

When I was a kid, I don't remember ever eating breakfast on a school day. I'd pry myself out of bed to a blaring alarm, stagger to the shower, sit down in the tub and promptly fall back asleep in there for 45 minutes until the water going ice cold woke me up. I'd jump out, realize I was about to miss my bus, and race to get dressed. I didn't have time to dry my hair all the time, so even in winter I'd be running to the bus stop with icicles forming on my head. Breakfast? Forget it. No time for that.

This went on from the time I was in middle school through high school. I think when I was 15 or so, I got my act together enough to get up, not fall asleep in the shower, and dry and style my hair before school. And I got a car so I didn't have to rely on that bus. But I still didn't eat breakfast. I remember telling my friends that I was *never* hungry in the morning, and if I tried to eat anything it made me feel nauseous. I didn't even drink so much as a glass of water until lunchtime back then. However, on weekends I occasionally indulged in a couple of bowls of Cocoa Pebbles.

At school, I ate the standard school lunch. We only had a couple of palatable choices, and I would go in spurts between eating french bread pizza every day or getting lunch at the potato bar. The pizza was a huge french bread loaf, split in half and then sliced into giant hunks, doused in sauce and smothered in cheese and sometimes pepperoni. And the potato bar was one where you got a baked potato, placed it in a plastic dish, and then could add as many toppings as would fit without spilling over the edges of the bowl. The object here was to pick the smallest possible baked potato, press it open into a volcano shape but make it tall enough not to take up much bowl space, and then top it with butter, bacon, sometimes chili, and as much fake orange cheese sauce as you could fit inside the potato and in the bowl. It was basically a cup and a half of buttery cheese bacon sauce with a small side of potato. Oh, my arteries!! On weekends, lunch was Ramen, hot dogs, or Kraft Mac n Cheese.

When I'd get home from school it was time for a snack: potato chips and dip, a bagel with cream cheese, or just a big bowl of cheese. Dinner was varied. My Dad made amazing tempura (deep fried, battered stuff) or we'd have meat and mashed potatoes and gravy, or hot dogs. We often went out to dinner and I'd get deep fried butterfly shrimp or a filet mignon wrapped in bacon or a cheesy lasagna, with lots of rolls and butter or garlic bread on the side and often a dessert of cheesecake. Heck, when I think about it, my whole life was a giant bowl of cheese during those formative years. I bet 90% of my cells were full of cheese.

Fast food was an integral part of my diet, too. My mom would take me for lunch on weekends or during the summer to Hardee's for a Hot Ham 'n' cheese, fries and a milkshake. Or we'd go to McDonald's for a Big Mac meal. When I started working and driving myself around, I'd hit Burger King for dinner or for lunch on weekends. I'd have a big ol' Whopper with cheese, with the mayo just dripping off it, and fries and a Coke. We'd go to Pizza Hut and have that greasy pan pizza for dinner. And I thought all this was just "normal" food. I didn't really know that other people ate differently. And I wasn't fat. Despite eating all that junk, not exercising, not playing any sports or going to dance classes, and spending my afternoons watching The Flintstones and playing Atari, I didn't get fat.

It caught up with me, obviously. I was in my 20's and had a couple of children before I got really fat. I've spent a lot of time educating myself on nutrition and trying to break old habits. Oddly enough, now if I skip breakfast (or any meal) I get a headache. I get grumpy and start feeling like I will eat anything in sight. I crave carbs, and I definitely crave cheese. I miss the fast food and junk food and salty greasy fried stuff. I tell myself I do not want it and that I hate what it has done to my body, but really in the back of my mind I still would eat it if it didn't make me fat.

This morning I woke up feeling like my body is slowing down and getting ready to hibernate. The chilly morning air and the shortening days make me want to sleep and eat and not do much else. I sat here with my coffee, trying to wake up. I wanted to go to McDonald's for breakfast. I kept dismissing it from my mind but the brain persisted. I'd seen a commercial yesterday showing their "breakfast" of eggs, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, syrup, OJ... and I *wanted* it. I was getting really annoyed arguing with myself for awhile, and then I just got up and made my scrambled Egg Beaters, 2 lean sausage links, and a reduced fat Bisquick pancake from the freezer. That with a 6oz glass of OJ made me feel better with about 1/3 (or less) of the calories that McDonald's would have offered. It's progress.

Yesterday I wanted to sit on the couch all day. I knew I needed to get out and get some exercise. I drove myself to the park, got out, and just walked. Motivation to walk? Zero. I didn't want to, I didn't care. As I walked, the motivation got to maybe a 1, because it *was* a nice day out, but I really wanted to be home zoning out from reality with my computer and a bag of chips. But I just kept walking, grumbling the whole way, until my legs hurt. I walked for a half hour, then came home. No chips, either.

It's little decisions that will determine my weight and fitness level in the future. The past formed my patterns but the present is far more important. I do not have to keep travelling the path that got me fat. I can take different steps. And I am.

Whose leg is that?

Yesterday I had one of those weird moments where reality splits and for a second, your brain is trying to figure out what just happened. It was simple, really. I was at the park, walking with my children in the sunshine when we decided to go up a little embankment. There was a concrete step up to the grass which required one to raise one's foot up to about knee height in order to hoist ones self up. No biggie. I raised my foot, placed it on the step, and glanced down. Time stopped. Whose leg is that?? What the heck???????

It was a fat leg... a pale, chubby leg with dimples from the cellulite and thick ankles. THAT CANNOT BE MY LEG. I had a moment of disconnect. Somehow, even though I am an obese woman in a 40-year-old body, I occasionally still *think* I am a cute, curvy, sexy 18-year-old with nice legs. I used to be. I used to put my leg up to tie my shoe and see the smooth skin, the muscle definition in the calf, the tapered ankle. What the hell happened??

It was only a split second but it seemed like forever as I stared at that leg that *couldn't* be mine. I don't look like that. I don't!!!!

But I had brought my camera and had taken pictures with my kids, too. And when I got home and saw the images, I was just aghast all over again. What?? I do NOT look like that!! I cannot possibly...

Pictures don't lie. I look like crap. I look worse NOW at 239 than I did on my way down the scale last year at 239. I've said it before... when I regained the weight, it did NOT go back on where it came from. It went back on in a most unflattering way. And I admit the clothing I chose was absolutely NOT helping. Going back to comfy stretch pants that cling to every roll is not making me look any better. In fact, I think I will always look crappy in this kind of clothing, because even as the weight comes off, the loose skin just hangs there creating a really rough landscape.

It's hard accepting and admitting how I really look. It's hard to wrap my mind around it all. Most of the time when I look in the mirror... whether now or when I weighed 214... I still see a 280-pound super obese woman. I never saw the weight loss in the mirror. I always saw the old fat me. But when I stop looking in the mirror and don't look at pictures for awhile, my brain tells me I look like I did when I was a teenager. And when I get a slap of reality, it burns.

Today's plan? Eat less. Move more. Do things that bring me closer to my goals. Aim for a stronger, better body. And get rid of the stretch pants.

Self

My life feels so different. I still feel absolutely unchained. I have had the revelation that my circumstances over the last two or three years have really brought me to my knees in the self-esteem department. In fact, my self esteem has been in the toilet.

I have spent a good portion of my life trying to convince myself that I am "good enough." I'm not sure where this started, although I do remember spending a lot of time as a child praying for forgiveness over every little thing I did "wrong." The extreme religious shunning I suffered at age 18 which resulted in me losing every friend I ever had did *nothing* for my sense of worth, but I had the strength and commitment to start over from scratch. I moved to a new city in a new state across the country. I build new friendships. I worked and saved and paid for my college with no help from my parents, and I made a good life for myself. I felt pretty great about that.

Somewhere along the lines, I got tripped up and started feeling bad about myself again. I think it had to do with the treatment of a spouse in my first, nine year marriage. I started getting fat then. I didn't like it. I dieted. I got made fun of by my father in law for being a "fatass" when I weighed all of 165 pounds. I battled the weight up and down from 165 to 200 pounds. I felt great when I'd lost the weight. But the way I was treated left me wondering what was wrong with me.

When my marriage ended, I fell apart. I really did. I was an emotional wreck, trying to raise my little kids all by myself and wondering if I would ever have the life I wanted again. What did I want? Well, I wanted to be a Mom. I wanted to stay home and raise a bunch of children. Having been an only child, and having been shunned by my mother and left fatherless because of my Dad's too-early death, I was desperate to create a family for myself. I wanted a decent husband and some kids and just to enjoy life. I wanted to clean the house and do crafts and teach my kids to read. I wanted to wait for my husband to come home from work and give him a nice meal to welcome him home. I wanted to go camping together as a family, or fly kites, or rent a movie. I wanted to be a wife and mother, that's all. That was all I longed for in the world: to have a best friend and raise our children.

The divorce shattered that dream and gave birth to another. I had to provide for my kids alone, so I worked, I went to school, I bent over backwards to try and give my kids all the love and happiness I could. But when you have a bunch of little kids and their father leaves, you can expect their behavior to deteriorate for awhile. And it did.

One of the worst moments of my life came one day not long after my husband had left. I was struggling and stressed and just trying to cope. I was home with the baby, probably looking for jobs in the paper, when my oldest son came bolting in the front door and running downstairs. He was about 7 years old and walked home from school because it was very close. Before I could call down to him to see what was wrong, a very vigorous knock came at the door. Worried, I cautiously opened it. Immediately, I was blasted with rage from a screaming woman standing on my doorstep. "YOUR SON threw a rock at MY SON!!!!!!" she screamed. My jaw dropped. "I'm sorry.... I..." but I couldn't even get any words out of ask if her son was okay before she was raging at me further. She called me a bad mother. She screamed that my son was terrible and needs to be punished. Children who were walking home on our street were all coming up to my door to see the drama and watch her scream. There must have been a dozen little kids there, staring at me. This woman did not stop. She continued to rage. Tears began to roll down my face. My baby started to cry. When that woman took a breath, I said, "I am so sorry, my husband left and I am alone with four kids and I can't do this... " and I shut and locked the door. I sat on the stairs and sobbed while the woman banged on my front door, screaming, "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were having a rough time. My kid is okay, let's talk." But I didn't open the door. I was, at that point in time, reduced to a nothing, a nobody. I had absolutely no worth in my eyes. She stayed there banging on the door, going around to my windows and shouting in at me for fifteen minutes. I sat in the house and cried.

I think that had to be the real low point in my life. If I was not a good mother, if I was not a good wife, what was I? My child's misbehavior and my husband's absence left me wondering.

I had to really grab hold of some kind of inner strength around that time. I had to look at my life and say, THIS is not what I want. I had to form a new plan. I had to MAKE the life I wanted. And I did.

For five years I went to college. I worked. I created a brand new identity for myself in a field that I loved. I had the skills and the determination and when I graduated, the opportunities were just laid right out for me. I would have a job in a respected field doing what I loved. I'd make enough money to take care of US. I was going to be okay.

Then my husband happened. And it was a good thing! I was thrilled to have a chance at the wife role again, and we were both excited when our wonderful daughter was born. She was quite sick though. We decided that I would stay home and care for her, and I reverted back to the role of Mommy and Wife. The working me was put on the back burner for awhile.

What happens when the person who is supposed to be your best friend and #1 supporter starts telling you how awful you are? What do you do when the person you called your soul mate decides that you are not even worth bothering to talk to anymore except for an occasional berating? And when he said I was not a good mother, my mind flashed back to that younger me sitting on the stairs crying while that woman banged and screamed at the door. Not a good mother... not a good wife... what AM I anymore?

I'm fat. I'm unemployed. I'm married to someone who has been very clear that they do not love me, respect me, or have any compassion for me. What to do with that? I've been wondering for a long time. Who am I?

The moments of clarity after the funeral have drawn me to the conclusion that once again it is time to reform my life. I need to redefine my goals and set my sights on something better. I have to believe that I am, in fact, not a nobody. I have to believe that I matter.

So I grab onto the facts that *I* know are true. I *am* a good mother. I adore my children and they always, always come first. I *am* an intelligent person who can have a promising career in my chosen field when I am ready. I *am* a writer. I am someone who cares about others, who believes that generosity always blesses the giver, and that kindness matters. I am strong enough to defend myself and gentle enough to forgive myself.

Deep inside there is still a little kid wondering if she is ever going to be good enough. But I believe in me, and brick by brick I am going to build the life I want for myself and my children. My new vision, my love for MYSELF, will carry me through.

Clarity

So, you ask, how's it going? Gaining weight? Losing weight? Coming unglued?

No, yes, no.

Last week when I wrote the post, The Bike, I did so mostly out of frustration and determination and as a way of reminding myself that even when things are going slowly and the weight is not dropping off in sheets, I have to keep working. I can't stop, give up, or take a side trip to the ice cream truck. I have to work until I reach my goal... if I want to reach my goal, ever. I had spent the first week of September following my plan religiously: staying within my calorie limit, walking, biking, lifting weights. And what did I get from that? Well, On September 1 I weighed 241 pounds. On September 2, I weighed 240 pounds. And that is what I weighed on September 8th. Annoying. Frustrating. Discouraging. Like a mother who ignores her hard-working child's efforts and gives her no allowance, the scale was not giving me the payback I *thought* I deserved. But I pressed on.

The second week was more chaotic, with the death and the funeral and all. I wrote about my eating and how I was off in la-la land emotionally but still did not binge. I didn't work out as much and I didn't eat particularly healthy until a a couple days ago when I snapped out of it. I've been working harder and not eating at every whim. And today what do I weigh? 239.

So it's more than halfway through the month and I am down 2 pounds. I feel ridiculous. I have to put a lot of effort into just not GAINING more weight. I could regain that 2 pounds and 5 more with just a couple of days of crazy binge eating. Two pounds is really nothing when your weight can jump ten pounds up and down in a week's time.

But, I'll take it. I will nickel and dime my way to 140 pounds if that's what it takes. I just have to keep working and not let myself slide the other direction. Many things in my life are changing right now. It really is TIME for change, and time to care better for ME.

The other day I was driving home from running errands. I hadn't eaten lunch yet and was feeling quite hungry. But the main thing I was feeling was anxious and upset. I was thinking about that death and what my life is going to be like in the near future and all I wanted was an ice cream cone. I was driving along thinking, I WANT an ice cream cone. I NEED an ice cream cone. I deserve the comfort. I am going to have one *for lunch* and that way I can stay within my calories. Only, I knew I wouldn't, really. A sugar high from a double scoop of peanut butter chocolate ice cream on an empty stomach *never* leads to good things.

I was driving along hoping my daughter would fall asleep in the back seat so I would be able to swing through McDonald's drive thru, get my cone, and sit in the parking lot completely checked out of the real world and absorbed by the icy creamy coldness of that ice cream. I have to drive past a McDonald's every day on my way home, which is really not a good thing for a binge eater. So as I was driving, about 2 blocks from McDonald's my daughter fell asleep, and I thought, "I do not really want an ice cream cone. I don't think I can eat." I had this sadness in the pit of my stomach like a knot, and what I really wanted was not available to me. I knew from experience that eating the ice cream WOULD make the knot in my stomach go away. But I don't think that's healthy, or normal. I was feeling anxious for a reason, and the reason wasn't food. I drove on past the McDonald's, went home, and thought about the feelings. I had a reasonable lunch that did NOT include ice cream or fast food. I could have soothed my feelings with junky stuff. I could have stuffed it down, swallowed my feelings and pretended everything was okay but what would that accomplish? By avoiding feelings and not thinking, action will not occur. We remain stuck in our trap, knee deep in our mess, deluded into feeling sort of okay about it. Maybe a little bit of anxiety or discomfort is a good thing for me. It has driven me to changes.

I have spent ten years covering my reality in chocolate. I didn't want to feel it. I want to feel it now... positive, negative, all of it. Because what is life if we only experience it through a haze of grease and sugar, like smears on the window? I've been a child, stuffing myself with french fries and then pattering off with my greasy hands and pressing them on the window glass until all I could see of the outside world was a smudgey blur. Time to grow up and clean the windows.

Joint Solution Winner

Just a short announcement: the winner of a free bottle of Active and Free Joint Solution is Cardcrazy! Congratulations! Thanks to all who entered. I'll get a real post up soon :)

Unchained

I've had a rough week... thus the absence on my blog. If you've followed me on Twitter you may have noticed that there was a death recently, which deeply affected someone I love dearly, and thus has affected me. The funeral I thought would bring closure did not. And other issues going on that I won't get into have me stressed out. Such is life, though, right?

Last week I walked, I biked, I even did my Jillian DVD with my husband sitting there staring at me and putting his feet in my direct path. I avoided the potato chips he brought home. I did okay. And then, I didn't.

The peaches rotted on the counter. The greens turned slimy in the fridge. Tomatoes grew mold and the chicken breast in the fridge spoiled.The dishes piled in the sink and the kids ate Ramen and burritos. This is all a sign of the state of my eating.

Distracted, I forgot to take my supplements for a few days and my arthritis pain went through the roof. I went to McDonald's once, Starbucks twice, and ordered pizza once. I even got a small blizzard from Dairy Queen... twice. I didn't buy candy, or cake, or go on any sort of a binge. My food was crap but in a reasonable portion and not frantic. However I feel bloated and icky and have a constant headache and need to get back to being focused on losing this weight.

My brain is in a million pieces right now. The life I had formed for myself... the dream I wanted and worked for and finally acheived... it's been shattered by things not in my control. It's not fixable. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the middle of a pig pen knee deep in crap and slop and I just want to get out and take a shower. Going to this funeral, it just solidified in my mind what I have to do. It tore me down, broke my heart, scared me, and gave me strength. What an odd place to be reborn: in a funeral parlor.

I feel kind of scattered, still, but I have a new vision of a life I want. I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I deserve to be loved. The only trap I am stuck in is one I sat down and accepted. I can reach over and pry it open and walk away. I am not chained to THIS life. You are not chained to yours.

It is in our power to conceive and generate the life we want. I know this now. And I am not just talking about weight loss either. This is much, much bigger than that.

Thank you for standing by and being patient while I was having my crisis. Thank you for the kind comments and emails of concern. You are a comfort to me.

If you missed the review I wrote for Active and Free Joint Solution, check it out. I will take entries for the giveaway until tomorrow morning when a winner will be chosen.

The Bike

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a bike. She saw other little girls with their bikes... all pink or blue and shiny, whizzing down the lane, laughing... and she was so envious. How wonderful it must be, she thought, to fly down the road, free as a bird, going all over the neighborhood on a bicycle! She'd never had a bicycle, you see, but she just *knew* it must be so magical to ride one. She imagined the freedom, the joy. She wanted to join in the fun with those other girls. She wanted a bike of her own.

So the little girl decided she would save up her money until she had enough to buy a bike. She wanted a pink one, with purple streamers... just like she'd seen in a magazine. Maybe it would have white tires and princess sparkles on it. It was fifty dollars. She knew that was a lot of money, but she was determined to save enough.

The little girl started trying to find ways to earn some cash. She had a plan! She would work and do chores and save every cent. She figured it would take her almost a year to save enough... all through the fall, the winter, the spring... but she would do it. And by next summer, she'd be flying down the hills on her new bike.

The little girl started doing some chores. She mopped and cleaned the kitchen. Her mother was delighted, and rewarded her with a five dollar bill. She was off to a great start! She washed dishes. She fed the pets. She vacuumed. And then she asked her mother for five more dollars.

"Oh, no honey. I can't give you five dollars every time you do some chores. Maybe once in awhile." She handed her daughter a dollar and went off to make dinner. "Hmmm," thought the girl. "This might be harder than I thought. I will work harder."

The next day, the little girl raked the whole yard. But her mother didn't notice. She didn't even say thank you.

The next day, the little girl swept the porch and the sidewalk, and pulled up all the weeds she could find. When her mother didn't notice that, either, the girl asked her if she could get some pay. "No, dear, not now." And her mother wandered off to read a book.

The little girl was determined. She spent the entire next week doing chores. She washed the dishes, cleared the table, and picked up the living room every night. At the end of the week, her Mom gave her a quarter.

The little girl was sad. She'd worked so hard, but all she had to show for it was $6.25. She stuck her money in her pocket and walked down the street. Suddenly, she heard the a familiar jingle: it was the ice cream truck! She ran over, staring at the colorful pictures of ice cream bars and cones on the side of the truck. Should she buy herself an ice cream?

Her fingers felt the bills and change inside her pocket. She could spend $2 on ice cream and still have some left.... She thought about it for a minute. But she wanted that bike. She wanted it more than she wanted ice cream. So she walked away from the group of children, feeling a little sad and a little proud all at once. Sure, some of the other kids had ice cream. Some of them had used their own money, and some had been given a treat by their parents. But this little girl, she wanted a bike.

She worked week in and week out, cleaning, raking, picking up, and folding laundry. She hoped her mother would notice, but her mother wasn't a terribly attentive nor consistent mother. Sometimes she was distracted by other things and the little girl got no allowance for the week, while other times, her mother would dig into her purse and hand her a dollar, a quarter, a handful of change. Once in awhile she'd hand her a few dollars at once, even 3 or 4, but not usually.

Some of the neighborhood kids heard that the little girl was saving for a bike and started teasing her. "How much do you get each week?" they asked. "Oh, sometimes a quarter, sometimes a dollar or two, sometimes nothing at all." They laughed. "You'll never get a bike that way!" And they ran off. But one older girl bent down and whispered to the little girl, "You are so brave, you are so smart. You'll get your bike. Don't give up."

A year went by. The little girl had worked all year, taking whatever her mother would offer in return for her dedication and labor. Finally it was summer. The little girl emptied her money jar onto the table. Would there be enough?

Quarters and dollars spilled over the table. Pennies and dimes and a five-dollar bill all joined in a big pile for the little girl to count. And you know what? She had fifty six dollars. Fifty six! She was ecstatic! The little girl could finally get her shiny pink bike with purple streamers. And when she did, you can bet that her smile was the biggest, her soul was the lightest, and her heart was the happiest on the whole block.

How do you spend your money? Do you whittle it away buying ice creams and popsicles because it seems like it'll take too long to save up for your bike? Do you give up because your mother isn't very consistent, and some weeks you get no reward for your hard work while other times you get a token compensation? Does it seem like adding a few quarters to the jar every so often will *never* add up enough to amount to anything?

Do you want that shiny new bike? Do you really? Because there are fifty two weeks in a year, and although a year may seem like a very long time to reach a goal, the time goes by anyway. And those efforts, even ones that seem futile at times, will be rewarded.

Have an ice cream... or save up for what you really want. If you put the work in... if you *really* work and never give up, you'll have your freedom soon enough.

Active and Free Joint Solution Giveaway and Review

Here's a review I wrote for those of you who suffer from arthritis, like I do: Active and Free Joint Solution. Read the review and leave a comment there (not here) for a chance to win a FREE bottle of Joint Solution for yourself or a loved one who is living with joint pain. (I wasn't paid to write this review, but it's something I felt might help some of you, so check it out if you're interested!) A winner will be announced on Monday, September 14th. Good luck!

Happy Labor Day!

I am feeling so happy today and so full of energy! This was a really solid week for me, with lots of good healthy foods, moderation, no binges or junky stuff, and plenty of exercise. It's amazing how great one can feel and how much more positive one's outlook on life becomes when the body is well fed and taken care of. I shudder to think of how many days in my life were lived in a sugar fog, feeling lethargic and just *blah.* No more of that!

I did my Jillian workout DVD again yesterday and it felt WAY harder to me. I think the first time I did it I was just so distracted by trying to figure out what to do that it flew by. This time I was able to do more reps and more moves correctly and it was VERY enjoyable and OBVIOUSLY a workout. I was sweating, pushing myself, and at the end feeling wiped out. But the rest of the day I had *more* energy. My triceps are really feelin' it, too.

This morning my husband came in with gallons and gallons of fresh tomatoes from the garden, so today is another sauce-making day. I am going to try this recipe but substitute 7 cups of fresh chopped & seeded tomatoes for the cans of tomatoes in the recipe. I'll still use the tomato paste. I plan to add a bit more garlic and some fresh basil, and simmer the sauce all afternoon with the meatballs (made from extra lean beef... one pound, halving the meatball recipe but not halving the sauce recipe) plus some chicken Italian sausages. This sauce will be served over Barilla Plus pasta with sauteed zucchini and summer squash. My plate will be 3/4 veggies, 1/4 pasta, plenty of sauce, one meatball and half a sausage. I can't wait!

It's rather mild out today and I *think* my stroller is fixed, so I plan a nice long walk later today. My knees are hurting me quite a bit at the moment so I need to take something before I go.

If you're planning (or worrying about) a barbecue for Labor Day, here are some great ideas to get you grilling! You do not have to eat greasy hamburgers and hot dogs, even if you're going to someone else's house to eat. It is perfectly acceptable for you to bring something and ask your host to throw it on the grill for you. Don't fear the grill!

Have a great weekend!

Fat Sucks You Dry

If you've always been heavy, or never been heavy, you may not realize how absolutely *draining* it is to be fat and out of shape. Every task takes a large withdrawal from your limited energy stores, and it doesn't take much to zap you clean dry.

When I weighed 280 pounds, just vacuuming the floor brought me to the brink of sheer exhaustion. Seriously. I vacuumed as little as possible, because when I did, it left me useless for the rest of the day. I'd first have to gear up mentally for the torture. I'd have to pick up toys and clothes and stuff off the floor... and that alone took me at least 45 minutes. I'd heft myself up off the couch, hobble towards a toy, and then I'd have to pick it up. Bending over to touch the floor is no easy task at 280 pounds. The belly really gets in the way, the knees hurt too much to bend, so you end up leaning down trying to compress the stomach fat into a space way too small, and then the boobs start hanging all the wrong way and getting cleavage in your face, and when you finally grab the toy and straighten back up you're so out of breath you have to sit down and rest. Multiply this x30 if you have a whole bunch of little kids, and you have one very sweaty, hot, exhausted mother plopped back on the couch before she's even touched the vacuum. A couple hours and a box of Little Debbies later, I'd get up and get the vacuum out. Pushing that heavy thing around was like doing an hour of aerobics to me, and when I was finished I was usually so tired I couldn't even put the thing away. Any other kind of cleaning was exhausting too: mopping was nearly impossible. I used to ask my 5 year old to do it. I just couldn't.

Mow the lawn? Impossible. Weeding? No can do. Make a bed? You have to be kidding me. Play with my kids? Not too much. Walk the dog? Forget it.

Life went by, I couldn't always participate. I was too out of shape. I was too tired. My fat was sucking me dry.

Now, at 240 pounds, vacuuming is a generally easy and pleasant experience. I love to mop! It does get my heart rate up, but I enjoy it. I can go shopping, I can walk 2 miles. I can play with my kids. I can do lots of things.

But I am still tired. I'm more tired than I would be if I were 30 or 50 or 80 pounds lighter. If you don't believe me, try strapping a 50 pound bag of dog food on your back and go about your day. Or just fill a backpack with 50 pounds of weights. Or even a 20 pound sack of potatoes. Wear it. ALL DAY. Vacuum with it. Weed with it. Shop with it. Tell me you're not exhausted after 16 hours of THAT.

I know that strength training makes a big difference in endurance, but getting the weight off is the real key. There was a time when I moved effortlessly through life; when I jogged to catch up to a friend or spent a whole day shopping or played basketball for an hour. There was a time when I weighed 140 pounds and thought nothing of running downstairs to fetch a basket of laundry and running it back up again; when a walk to the store and back with bags of groceries was no big deal. I want to move freely through life again.

When I go shopping now, I am still quite tired when I am done. I really can't tolerate more than 2 or 3 stops in one trip... I just feel so wiped out. If I exert myself, it takes me a long time to recover. My fat is still sucking me dry. But not for long.

I mentioned my new workout DVD the other day: The Biggest Loser Workout: Power Sculpt. 6-Week Program for Maximum Weight Loss. Well, I tried it. I love it! I am not a big fan of exercise DVDs, but I got this one because 1) I love Jillian and 2) I wanted to change up my BOOORING strength training routine. So let me tell you:

Pros: Jillian! I love pretending she is my trainer. Feels good. I want to please her! The weight lifting is mixed with small cardio moves which really got my heart rate up and had me sweating without feeling like I was doing a ton of work. It has a warm up (5 minutes) and a cool down (5 minutes) and then three programs in between. I did the first program (20 minutes) which it recommends you do for two weeks, and then add sections 2 and 3 later which are each 10 more minutes. Great way to build up your endurance, IMO. I *loved* that I did not feel like I was doing a boring, dancey aerobics tape. I also loved that it didn't seem like a bunch of boring, repetitive moves (which strength training can turn into, in my experience). It did not seem HARD because it was not *continuously hard.* It was more like, every so often she would give you a move that IS hard but it was over so fast and switching to something else that it wasn't so bad. It was hard enough to make me go WTF in a few places, but also not so hard that I cannot see myself *ever* doing it. I modified the lunges and knee bends because I can't do those; I just bent my knees very slightly but did all the other moves. When it was time for the cool down, I was all checking the timer to see if I missed something because it really didn't seem like 20 minutes had gone by... more like 10. So that was nice.

Cons: The DVD never tells you what size hand weights to use, but it looked like they were using rather small ones so I started with 5lb weights. That worked fine. I might increase it later as I become stronger. In a few places, the Biggest Loser contestants are doing the moves wrong but the camera is on them (and not Jillian) so then I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing. I did figure it out but I think they could've maybe practiced a little first, or done a few more takes so at least all the contestants were doing the moves right. A few times they were showing contestants while Jillian was explaining a move but it was not clear enough to me right at first. I wish they'd have had Jillian SHOW each move first while explaining it. And she kept calling this one girl "Poodle" which I totally didn't get, and I kept thinking, "Poodle? What the heck??" But all of this was really not bad enough to keep me from loving this DVD!

Afterwards I felt fine, not exhausted or anything, and I wondered if the workout had done any good. I sat down to read and drink some water and then all of a sudden I felt like a bus hit me! All of me felt "worked out" and like I needed someone to scrape me off the floor! I felt like that for a half hour or an hour, but then I was fine. So I think I must have gotten a good workout.

I think this is going to keep me excited about working out. I'll still bike and walk and do Wii Fit, but I plan to do this DVD 3 times a week. And it does have a nice feature: you can turn off the instructions once you know all the moves, and then you won't have hear her calling that girl poodle all the time.

I'm getting stronger. I feel alive and full of hope. I'm going to exhaust the fat before the fat exhausts me!

A Beautiful Life

I just got home from the Farmer's Market, with:

strawberries
6 ears of sweet corn
organic peaches (2 varieties)
organic plums (2 varieties)
a large seedless watermelon
seedless red grapes
fresh basil
okra
organic Honeycrisp apples
beets with greens
2 sweet onions
4 zucchinis
a bag of baby sweet potatoes
and the biggest cantaloupe I've ever seen!

I also have fresh tomatoes and peppers out of our garden. So for lunch I had caprese stacks, a protein shake, and fresh corn with butter & salt. Now THAT's a *real* Happy Meal!

My foot seems much improved but still gets sore if I am on it too much, so I am babying it but I think it'll heal up on its own, whatever the issue is. I got a new video today, The Biggest Loser Workout: Power Sculpt: 6 Week Program for Maximum Weight Loss, and will try it this afternoon. I'm excited to see what it's like. It has great reviews, and I am hoping to use it to mix up my strength training routine (which I am bored with right now). I won't be able to do any crazy knee moves like squats or lunges, so I hope there's not a ton of that. I'm a big Jillian fan so I hope it will help me stay excited about exercise. I'll let you guys know if I like it!

I wanted to say something to all you folks who come and read my blog. I really want to thank you all for caring what I have to say, and especially for those who take a moment and leave a comment... whether it be once in a blue moon or very regularly. I don't get to respond to every comment, or get around to all your blogs all the time, but I want you to know how much I appreciate the community we have here. I hope that you do find value in some of the things I say, as I find such great support in your comments. My wish for each of you is a beautiful life... a life full of hope, and comfort, and joy. We all have trials, sure, but I wish for you to overcome them and come out the other side a better person. I hope you will see from what I've written here... from the things I've suffered in my life due to my eating over the past decade... that no food is worth destroying yourself with. No moment of pleasure is worth a lifetime of pain. Every moment *does* count. Every choice, from deciding whether or not to eat an entire cheesecake to taking one bite of a candy bar, adds up and can have lifelong consequences. Don't ever think there's a free bite. There's not. So choose wisely. Enjoy your life, *including* your food. But don't make your food your life.

Be well. Have a wonderful day! :)