Slight Problem...

Saturday, I ate healthy stuff. I did have 3 squares of chocolate, but the rest of the day was healthy protein, veggies, fruit. I got up in the morning and thought, "I should walk. It looks nice outside. Overcast and cool. I want to walk." I knew the forecast called for possible thunderstorms and I didn't really feel like walking all the way to that nice park again, so I drove down to that park. When I got there, I took out the stroller and put my daughter in it and we walked. I think I went about 1.5 miles. Funny thing... as soon as we got to the park, the clouds parted and the sun came out. It was HOT on my skin. I thought I would pass out. This was NOT what I imagined for my walk! But I did it anyway, drinking water, chugging along, sweating and enjoying the scenery and the feeling of my body moving. Often when I am walking and want to stop, I imagine the fat literally melting off my body as I walk, leaving buttery footprints behind me. It helps.

After a nice walk, my daughter played at the park and then we drove home.

Mid-day, we decided to play some Wii Fit. It's really cute to watch a skinny 4-year-old masterfully balancing on the Wii board, making all the balls go into the holes on the screen. She's pretty good at the hula hooping too, and the slalom jump. Oh and she can walk a mean tightrope! I did 20 minutes of activity (I do balance games to warm up and cool down, with step aerobics in between. Surprisingly, they don't seem to hurt my knees since the Wii board is an awfully short step a couple of inches tall). I got my heart rate up pretty good with that.

In the evening, I felt like walking again, so we headed out in the cool of the day, daughter in pj's in the stroller. I walked a mile. It felt good.

My knees hurt but nothing worse than usual, and nothing feels any worse for all the activity... except for my poor foot! Last night I took a step and felt a sharp pain in my foot. Ugh! I may have fractured it! Yeah, a fat person can actually fracture their feet just by walking because of the sheer weight and pressure on those bones (do you remember the guy on Fat March who fractured both his feet walking?) Anyway, this morning it is pretty bad. It only hurts when I stand up or walk. No walking today. I hope it isn't really a fracture, and I hope it heals fast. It scares me, because I think, "oh my gosh. If I cannot exercise I am going to lose it. I'll binge. I'll go nuts. I can't succeed if I can't walk and bike and do Wii Fit!!" When I think about it I want to go eat fast food. Maybe I can lift weights while sitting instead. At least it will work my upper body.

Hang in there, self. It'll be okay!

Lyn 1, Binge 0

Second post in one day! I am so proud of myself I can't stand it! If you can stomach another minute-by-minute food post, here ya go. I inspired myself!

This morning after yesterday's night at the fair (previous post, in case you missed it) I was SO sore and tired. My plan was to sit around and do nothing all day to give my body (and mind) a break. I started my day out with a nice, healthy smoothie made from nonfat yogurt, a mango, some OJ, whey powder for protein, spinach, and ice. I blogged. I started thinking about food. And it went downhill from there.

See, the thing most people don't get about a Binge Eating Disorder is how terribly obsessed one can become with particular foods. It's not just a fleeting thought you can dismiss or distract yourself with; sometimes, it is outright immersion in the desires for The Foods. And sometimes, this terrible longing comes over me for a Binge. It's like I imagine a druggie wanting his fix; I feel a physical craving overcome me, I start feeling anxious. I can't get The Binge out of my head. Yeah I KNOW I want to be thin, but in those moments, I want The Feeling: the comforting, welcoming, ecstatic sensation of the sights and scents and mouthfeel of *all that food* and the amazing high I get from feeling my stomach getting fuller, and fuller, and fuller. Yeah, it's messed up. That's why it's called a disorder.

Anyway, so around lunchtime I was starting to get these really insane binge thoughts:

I can go back to the fair. I will eat onion rings and fried zucchinis and indian tacos and ice cream and funnel cakes and...
I will go to the grocery store and buy every food I want for my binge. I will buy chips and dip and cheese and Coke and a cake and ice cream and pudding and Oreos and pizza...

Heck, I was really teetering there for awhile. I made myself 2 eggs and spinach and a Double Fiber English muffin and green tea. I felt better but still wanted to binge. Many, many times in my life, this craziness has been set off by some random stimulus. I'd see a McDonald's commercial and go racing out the door like a madwoman to eat a 3000 calorie snack sitting in my car between meals. I'd see a food in a magazine and I HAD to HAVE IT. And a bunch of other foods to go with it, because it ain't a binge unless you have that massive variety and insane inhaling of one food after another. Heck, it's happened when I read a sentence. What? That blog has "cheesepuffs" in its name? Oh my gosh. I HAVE TO HAVE CHEESE PUFFS. And hot dogs and cookies and...

This time, obviously, the 'trigger' was seeing and smelling all those fair foods yesterday, even though at the time, I was NOT going nutso wishing I could eat them all. Somewhere deep in Lyn's psyche, a button was pushed. And today I was nuts for a binge.

After sitting around half the day, I decided to take my youngest to the park for a bit. So we did that. Then I knew I needed to go get bread and milk and cheese. I *knew* I was in a bad place mentally. But I told myself, look self. You can keep on binge eating like that and you will not only STAY fat, you're going to get FATTER. Do you want to eat onion rings and keep feeling these big ol' fat rolls hanging off your body? No, you don't. You want to be smaller. So get a grip.

(Let me insert that normally, I feel completely powerless to 'get a grip' once the Binge process has begun. Kinda like asking a crackhead to put down his spoon mid-snort. Or something.)

I went to the store. I enjoyed my walk through the aisles. I bought what I needed. I wanted a treat for myself and I still wanted that comforting feeling of a FULL stomach. Sometimes, that's just what I need emotionally, as weird as it sounds. So instead of:

frozen onion rings, pizzas, Coke, french bread, chips, dips, Little Debbie Cakes, a frozen pie, a box of cookie mix, a cheesecake, some truffles, and a box of chocolate

I bought myself

a rotisserie chicken and a Bolthouse Farms soy protein drink.

I came home, ate a bunch of chicken and drank half of my soy drink. I feel *cared for* and indulged. Yeah, that kind of chicken is a bit salty. But not as salty as the can of Pringles and 6-pack of hot dogs I was considering.

I am so proud of myself. I think this is the very first time I have EVER been in absolute Binge mindset, actually considering doing it and desperate for the sensations, and GOT THROUGH IT with substitute foods eaten in a controlled manner. I did not stuff myself. I did not go for more stuff when I was done. I feel fine, and the desire to binge is GONE. This has never happened to me before.

I am thrilled. I feel like this is evidence that all the mental and emotional work I have been doing for the past 2 years is finally paying off. If I can do it once, maybe I can do it again. Maybe I can STOP binge eating. I think this is doable. I want it. I am so excited!

Thanks for letting me share this victory!

Fairtime Again

Yesterday, I took my youngest two kids to the county fair. Taking the kids to the fair has been an annual tradition for the past 12 years. I've written about my fair visits before, in 2007 and 2008... about how I used to go and send the kids on rides while I wandered the food area buying enough food for an entire family and then shamelessly sitting at a table by myself eating plate after plate of deep fried crap. I didn't care about the looks I got. I didn't care about the grease on my shirt. I didn't care that when I sat down at a long, metal table my weight would bounce the entire table up about an inch, disrupting everyone else who was trying to eat. All I cared about (after enjoying the art displays and the animal buildings with my children) was the FOOD.

The fair IS all about the food, isn't it? I mean, where else can you get beer-battered corn dogs the size of you arm? Or deep-fried Oreos, or Twinkies, or those sugar-coated elephant ears the size of your head? How about the sausages? The huge burgers? Homemade ice cream, snow cones, whole smoked turkey legs, and burritos that weigh 5 pounds each? And then don't forget my all-time favorite, Piggy Wiggly's stand with the battered french fries, deep fried zucchini, and huge onions rings. Oh yeah. The fair is an assault to the senses... one I welcomed every year. It was a binge eater's paradise. I could eat and eat and eat and never get tired of eating.

For the last two years I have gone to the fair and eaten reasonably. It was still about the food... somewhat... but I tried to be moderate. This year, it was completely different. It was unlike any other fair I have ever experienced. It was NOT ABOUT the food! Oh sure, I ate. I thought about what I ate. But I really didn't care too much about it.

We spent a few hours looking through the exhibits when we got there, and then we went through all the animal barns as is our tradition. My daughter had so much fun petting the chickens, goats, and bunnies! It was hot, but we had a great time in those barns! Then the kids said, "Let's go on some rides!"

In the past, I rarely, if ever, went on any rides. I am afraid of heights. Ferris wheels terrify me. Feeling out-of-control movements as my body flings left and right, up and down is NOT my idea of fun. I was always afraid I wouldn't fit when the bar went down or the seat belt would be too tight. I worried what everyone would think. I was way too fat to squeeze onto a lot of those things, anyway. So I'd buy my kids an armband, send them off to ride, and I'd spend the evening gorging on fair food.

Yesterday, I got MYSELF an armband. I went on rides with my kids. I got to see my daughter laugh and shriek with joy. My son smiled at me across the rides. He laughed when I clutched the pole in the center of the Ferris wheel seat, closed my eyes and mumbled, "its gonna be ok. It's safe. It's not gonna break. Oh my gosh. What am I doing on here? Why is this ride held together with twisty ties? What is that cracking sound? Are they going to let us down now?" (Not doing that again, but hey, I tried!) We spent the whole afternoon and into the evening going on rides, walking around the fairgrounds, enjoying exhibits. We stopped at every water booth for a drink. It was great!

In one building, there was a fruit stand. I've never seen a fruit stand at the fair before. My son, the veggie-lover, went over to investigate. "Mom!" he said "Buy me a peach! Please?" I joined him. I checked for prices. They had apples and peaches... for a DOLLAR EACH! What a rip off! A dollar for ONE peach?? Never!!

Then the light bulb went on. All these years, when my kids asked me for an elephant ear, I said yes. Didn't matter that it was five bucks, I said yes. They asked for a corn dog, and I paid $4.50 without a blink. Three bucks for a Coke. Three bucks for a scoop of ice cream. I never thought twice. It was the fair, after all. A special treat. Overpriced, but special. And here I was going to begrudge him a PEACH because it was a BUCK??

I pulled out my dollars, got him his peach (which he said was delicious) and bought myself an apple. I munched it as we walked. It was great!

After awhile we were pretty hot and tired and ready for a break. The kids asked for Snow Cones, so we headed to the booth. I asked, "do you have any sugar-free flavors." "Nope," she said. "Diabetics won't get by HERE!" So I got my kids each a grape snow cone and passed on one for myself. Instead, I had a few bites of relatively plain ice from the top of my daughter's.

In the evening, after many rides and much walking and enjoyment, it was time for dinner. I had it all planned out. I'd get the kids what they wanted, and for myself, I'd head to the Teriyaki Chicken stand. I'd gone there before and gotten a nice bowl of *just* chicken, no rice. It was really good.

I got the kids set up with their meals, and then I headed over for my chicken. It went like this:

I look at the menu board.
Chicken & Rice Bowl: $7
Chicken & Rice Wrap: $7
Chicken & Veggie Wrap: $6

Me: What kind of veggies are in the chicken & veggie wrap?
Girl at register: peppers and onions
Me: Can I get a bowl of JUST chicken, with onions and peppers? No rice? No wrap?
Girl: Sure! Just chicken and onions and peppers?
Me: Yes.
Girl: Ok! That's $6. No rice, right?
Me: Right. No rice.

She hands me my covered bowl, I pay, I go off to eat. I get to the table and open the bowl. What is this? Looks like mush, kinda like oatmeal. There's 2 tiny specks of green pepper the size of a pencil eraser on top like a mini-garnish. I stir it. I look for chicken. Maybe the onions are mushed?? I find about 4 tiny bits of chicken and eat them... maybe an ounce at best. I taste the mush... it's rice!! The entire bowl is RICE... overcooked, glistening with GREASE... not an onion or a recognizable veggie to be found. I close the bowl and go back to the stand.

Me, holding the open container: Is this rice?
Girl: Yes.
Me: I ordered chicken with onions and peppers, no rice.
Girl: It comes like that.
Me: But I said, No Rice.
Girl, shrugs: Well it comes that way, you can't just get chicken and no rice.
Me: What? It comes mushed together like this?
Girl: yep

Silence. I consider arguing, trying to get my money back. There's a line of people. The girl is oblivious and there's no adult/manager around. I decide it's not worth it. I briefly consider eating it, but instead, I walk straight to a trash can and throw it out.

I go back to the table with my kids. I'm annoyed, but I decide to just drink my unsweetened iced tea, have one bite of my child's corn dog, and get over it. Then this guy comes and sits 2 inches from my face with a HUGE plate of gigantic, hot, crispy battered onion rings. The ones I used to binge on. Maybe my favorite fair food EVER. He sat there eating them slooowly. I had a moment where I *almost* sent my son to go buy a plate of those for my dinner, but I told myself I'd wait an hour and have them later if I still wanted them. An hour later, I didn't. Well, I did, but I got over it.

I love myself too much to let some random, snotty teenager dictate my health.

After the fair, we came home and I mixed some protein powder in a bowl of yogurt, ate that, and went to bed, exhausted.

I feel great! I did NOT eat anything junky at the fair! My "mushy mindset" interjects every so often saying, "Go back, there are two more days left of the fair. You can still have those onions rings! You can still have all the yummy foods you skipped!" But hopefully that's just fantasy talking. Hopefully, I can hold out til they're gone and will be safe for one more year.

My feet are killing me today. I walked in my Sketchers but obviously I need some better shoes for when I am on my feet a long time. I have large (size 10) slightly wide (but not wide enough to need a 'wide' size anymore) feet. Anyone have a good, comfortable sneaker recommendation for walking?

I really hope if I keep putting good moments together, they'll become good days and weeks and months and years. I want the weight off. I want it more than onion rings. Let's hope it stays that way.

Challenge the Can'ts

Oh my gosh. I just did something I thought I would *never* do again. No, not eat 90 Tastycakes in one day. I walked over two miles this morning without collapsing!

The last time I walked that far was around ten (or more) years ago. I weighed in the 160's and I used to walk 3 or 4 miles every day for exercise. I'd walk to this park almost every day. It was a beautiful place to walk... nice people, beautiful scenery, cool breeze. I'd push kids in a stroller or have them ride bikes beside me to get there and let them play on the playground before walking back. Suddenly one day when I was walking, my knee started to click. Then it became an indescribable pain. Ever since then, I've had daily pain in that knee, and later when I developed severe degenerative arthritis, the pain was in both knees, daily.

The doctor back then told me I had a torn meniscus. I'd need surgery. I'd have to be on crutches for at least 6 weeks. Well, with 4 very small children (all under 6) that was not going to happen. And with no insurance, it was even less likely. So I just dealt with it, and figured I'd get it fixed someday.

Later, the orthopedic surgeon said I'd need total knee replacements. With the bone-on-bone grinding and crackling I hear on a daily basis, I also have bone spurs in both knees. Painful. He told me to limit my activity to recumbent biking, limited walking, and swimming. And in all these years the farthest I've been able to go is just under 2 miles. And I have not gone more than a mile in about a year now.

This morning, I woke up and thought, "It's nice and cool out right now. I should go for a walk before it gets intolerably hot." I thought, "Hey, wouldn't it be nice to load up the stroller and drive to that NICE park and walk there?" But then the I Can'ts started:

I can't go NOW, we haven't had breakfast yet.
I can't go because the nice stroller still has a flat tire.
I can't because I am still in my pajamas. I'd rather not...
I can't drag my child away from her favorite PBS show.
I can't because I hate putting on sunscreen.

I decided to just START getting ready to go and see what happens. I got up and got dressed. I had a protein shake. I got my sunscreen on. The I Can'ts continued:

I can't because my child is still engrossed in her show and hasn't eaten.
I can't because I don't feel like loading into the car and driving anywhere.

This is when an idea hit me. "Hey! I could WALK to that park! I haven't done it in over a decade. I wonder if I can do it?"

I can't, I'll end up in the hospital.
I can't, that's just crazy to attempt that!

I got my daughter ready. I got the junky stroller out. I told myself I would walk as far as was comfortable and if I had to I'd turn around and head home. I got her into the stroller.

I can't, oh my gosh it is SO HOT already!! I am gonna DIE.

We walked halfway down the block.

Oh my gosh, I can't do this.

Then I realized she HADN'T eaten, just had juice. I didn't bring a water bottle. UGH!

I turned around, went home, thinking, "This is nuts, it's so hot. I just can't."

I went in the house, grabbed a breakfast bar for her and a big bottle of water, and headed out again.

At 10:10am we started down the block. For about 2 blocks I was thinking, I can't!! This is nuts! But I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I focused on the nice, light breeze that was keeping me from getting too hot. I swigged water. I talked to my daughter about the flowers and trees we saw along the way. And at 10:40, we arrived at the park! I sat down and watched her play. She had a great time with the other children she met on the playground. I sat there thinking, "Wow! I can't believe I did it!" I smiled. The walk home didn't seem terribly daunting.

Except that by the time we left it was 11:40 and HOT and sunny and there was really not much shade on the walk home. It was a lot more uphill than the walk there, too. But I kept walking. I swigged more water. We looked at plants. I told my daughter about the time ten years ago when I was walking home from that park and a big fluffy orange cat ran out of someone's yard, pounced on my leg and attached itself by its teeth and claws to my ankle. I walked on the other side of the street as we passed, just in case that insane cat or its insane progeny still lived there. I poured water on my arms to cool down. And when we got home, I felt SO PROUD! It was 77 degrees but felt like 100 in the sun. I came in, made myself 2 eggs with spinach and wheat toast and iced green tea. And I sat down here to share it with you! (Here. Have a bite of egg.)

I am SO excited that I did this! I never, ever would have attempted this if I had not decided to start questioning all my Can'ts. I am so proud of myself! I plan to do this again another day, when it is COOLER... as long as I am not hobbling in extreme pain by this evening. Here's to hoping!

Challenge all your Can'ts! Who knows where it might take you :)

I Can, I Can't. Both Correct.

Negativity about my weight and "dieting" in general has been one of the biggest hurdles I've had to overcome. And honestly, I still struggle with it. I've become so consumed with "I Can'ts" lately that it's affected my (stagnating) workout program and my (iffy) eating plan. That's how it is with the can'ts: they fulfill themselves. You tell yourself enough times that you cannot do something, and after awhile you really believe it. It becomes your truth. And it becomes reality.

Now, I am not talking about real reasons one cannot do a particular thing. Obviously if you have a broken leg you can't go jogging. I am talking about stuff we *think* is insurmountable when in fact it is not.

Example: I can't take walks because I have a young child and no one to watch her. I can't leave her at home alone, I can't hire someone every night so I can walk. I can't have her walk WITH me because she walks very slowly and I cannot get my heart rate up, and she gets tired after a block or so anyway and whines to be carried. I don't like pushing her in a stroller. It bugs me. She doesn't like it. It's heavy and annoying. I want to walk by myself. So I just have to sit in the house and bemoan the fact that I *wish* I was out walking but I can't be.

Now, some of this is true. It's not just excuses. It's real roadblocks I've encountered as I tried to walk each day. I tried getting her a bike so she could bike while I walk, but she just isn't coordinated or strong enough to ride very fast or very long. It takes me FOREVER to go 3 houses down with her on a bike. Maybe next year, but for now, her biking is a learning experience only. Not exercise.

Yesterday I had enough. I really wanted to get out and walk. I decided to reframe things. I needed a new outlook. After all, lots of people with kids exercise. Even single moms. Heck, I know a lady who took her child and her newborn baby out in a stroller so she could JOG in the RAIN (with a rain cover for the stroller) just 2 months postpartum! Do you think this lady is fat? No. Do you think she'd be fat if she said, "ohhh, I have TWO children now, I just had a baby, it's raining, my husband is at work, I can't possibly exercise"? Maybe. Anyway, last night I decided to think differently.

I CAN do anything I want to do.
I CAN exercise with a child in tow.
It's just life.

I got out my nice walking stroller and stuck my daughter in there to walk. Then I noticed it had a flat tire. I put it away and got out the smaller junkier stroller and put her in that, and I walked. I didn't exactly have fun (attitude on THAT is a whole 'nother ballgame) and I didn't go as far as I wanted to, but I walked. It did bug me, but I walked. It wasn't ideal, but I walked. So guess what? I CAN take walks... anytime I want to. I DON'T need the perfect stroller, I DON'T need the perfect walking shoes, I DON'T need the perfect weather. I just CAN.

Circumstances do NOT have to be ideal to do what we need to do. My bike is sitting in my living room. I don't like having a huge piece of exercise equipment in my nice living room for all to see upon entering my home. It doesn't fit with my ideal of a nice living room. But it's there. Still, some days, I catch myself whining in my brain, "I can't bike. It's too hot. I don't want to bike in front of everyone. The only thing on TV is Sesame Street and I don't want to watch that while I bike. My kid will ask me for a drink or need help in the bathroom while I am biking and I'll have to stop." But guess what? None of that means anything. I burn the same calories on that bike at my ideal time with no one around while watching my favorite show as I burn when I am annoyed and watching Sesame Street and rolling my eyes with boredom and having to pause the timer every 10 minutes to go help a kid. I CAN, in fact, ride my bike every.single.day. IF I want to.

What's your excuse? Is it real, or are you just waiting for everything to be perfect and the moons to align and sunbeams from heaven to shine upon you before you do what it takes to lose the weight?

Sometimes, we just gotta step outside ourselves for a minute and reevaluate.

Hard Wired

Sometimes, I really wonder how long it is going to take to overcome my inner programming regarding the way I eat... the way I live. I think back to the examples I had in my life as a small child growing up. I think about how small children become "wired" a certain way based on their earliest experiences. It seems to make us who we are.

My father was an older man. He was a *great* father, but his example to me in the "health" category was lacking. He ate pretty much what he wanted, and he enjoyed it. In fact, he enjoyed eating more than anyone I've ever seen. He'd been to Korea and Vietnam and spoke of the constant rush to gulp down your meals there, and when he retired from the Army he said, "I'm going to enjoy my food. I have the time to eat slowly now. I'm going to taste every bite." (This was, in fact, the *one* bit of advice/good example in eating that I could have gleaned from my father, but sadly I was usually too busy cramming my food down at record speed with my mother to appreciate what my Dad was saying). He ate lots of cheese, fried stuff, and chips. We often went out to nicer restaurants where I was allowed to order pretty much anything I wanted; usually this meant deep-fried shrimp, deep-fried battered clams, cheesy pasta, or filet Mignon draped in bacon. I developed a taste for fatty foods pretty early on, and expected huge portions as well because of all our restaurant eating. I never ordered a "kid's meal" or a smaller portion, and I never thought of *not* eating everything that was brought to the table. Weekends were spent by my Dad sitting, watching TV, relaxing. I never saw my father run, jog, lift a weight, or do any form of "exercise." He never took a walk with me, went swimming, or got on a bike. Physical activity was something you had to do at work, and something to avoid whenever possible. I sucked that lifestyle right up and as an adult I instinctively would come home from work or school and attempt to avoid any extraneous movement for the whole weekend as I sat, watched TV, played on the computer, and "rested." This involved letting my small kids watch way to much TV and play way too many video games, even though I did take them to the park every weekend. I didn't play with them... I sat and watched them. Just like my parents did with me. Isn't that just what parents do?

My mother was an example of extreme eating chaos. She was a chubby kid, got thin as a teen and into her early 20's by binge drinking, vomiting, and not eating. She told me that her meals would often be a helping of plain tuna, eaten straight from the can with a fork. I don't remember seeing my mother like this, because by the time I was 5 she'd quit the crazy drinking and was trying to be "stable." But she subbed food for the alcohol and got really fat, really fast. I don't remember her ever being thin. Ever. Apparently she didn't know a whole lot about nutrition, either, because the few pictures I have of me eating as a child are: me having a bowl of chocolate ice cream for breakfast as a toddler; me drinking beer from a tiny mug when I was about 18 months old; me eating hot dogs when I was maybe 2. Growing up, I *did* see my mother exercising... as a punishment to herself for getting fat. She and her Weight Watchers friend would take me swimming at an indoor pool because they were trying to lose weight, but I remember them mostly floating around joking and laughing... not actually *swimming*. I doubt I ever saw my mother get her heart rate up enough to make a difference in her fitness. Beyond that, she had the same "avoid activity" philosophy as my father, and spent a lot of time in the recliner watching TV, or going out to eat with friends. Watching her eat, I saw her gushing over cheese and chocolate and gooey "sinful" desserts, but when she had a salad or vegetables, once again it seemed like she was punishing herself for being fat. She stockpiled Weight Watchers frozen dinners, which actually smelled pretty good, but I was *not* allowed to have them. They were her "special" food to make her lose weight. She was always obsessing, swinging from one extreme to the other, forcing down a salad and a 200 calorie WW meal or doing her grapefruit-and-egg diet, or eating a whole pound of chocolates or a bag of chips with dip and Coke. Swing swing, back and forth, all or nothing. Diet or enjoy food. Forced restriction or luxurious indulgence. It always seemed to me that the only reason you'd eat a vegetable or try to move out of your TV chair was to punish yourself if you got fat.

My mother had a book that she referenced often. It was called "Eat Better, Live Better" and was filled with nutrition advice and healthy recipes. In fact, it was the one book I *begged* her to let me take with me when I moved out. I was thrilled to bring it with me, since I'd used it so often as a teen. I still have that book. But the funny thing is, neither my mother nor I *ever* read any of the information in there about how good fish is for you, the nutrients in legumes, or how to prepare delicious vegetable dishes. No. Those pages were completely unread and unused and the spine still crackles when you open them, just like a brand new book. What my mother referenced so frequently, and what I loved that book for, was the "3-Day Diet" my mother scribbled in the back cover of the book. It's still there, in her curvy handwriting:

Day 1:
B. 1 grapefruit, 1 pc. toast, 2 TBS peanut butter (coffee-tea)
L: 1/2 can tuna, 1 toast
D: 2 slices meat, 1 c. green beans, 1/2 c. beets, 1 sm apple, 1/2 c. van ice cream
approx 1020 cal

Day 2:
B: 1 egg, 1 toast, 1/2 banana
L: 1/2 c cottage cheese, 5 saltines
D: 2 franks, 1 c broccoli, 1/2 c carrots, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c van ice cream
approx 915 cal

Day 3:
B: 5 saltines, 1 sl cheddar cheese, 1 sm apple
L: 1 boiled egg, 1 toast
D: 1/2 can tuna, 1/2 c beets, 1 c cauliflower, 1/2 cantaloupe
approx 765 cal

No substitutions were allowed. I remember my mother gagging down these foods trying to get thinner, and I, as a slightly heavy teen (I was maybe 8 pounds overweight) did this "diet" many, many times. I remember forcing down the dry, white toast, the canned carrots, the hated-but-necessary cottage cheese. I HATED it. It was 3 days of torture and by day 3 I was dizzy and sick, but I did it anyway. And when it was over I was thrilled to get back to my bowls of Cocoa Pebbles and Pizza Hut dinners. It still strikes me as so ironic that *this* was written in the back of a nutrition guide. And *because* it was there, somehow I felt it was valid. Yet I never cracked open another page in that book.

I wasn't a fat kid but I did pick up on my parents' habits. I hated PE. I pretended to have my period or be sick five times a month so I could avoid it. I did the usual kid things like ride my bike or go roller skating, but those things were just "fun" and it never occurred to me that they were actually good for my body. My parents didn't encourage physical activity, and they modeled "zoning out" so well that it is one of my very best talents. I am quite skilled at plopping on the couch for hours with snacks and not noticing anything else that's going on around me!

When I look at my "default mode," it is one of little movement and lots of indulgence. If a toddler is fed ice cream and hot dogs all the time, does it become an ingrained part of their psyche? I dunno, but it sure feels that way. I work hard to change my habits. I get to a point of eating lots of veggies (and enjoying it) and working out daily, but if I let up for an instant, I seem to float back to the old comfortable ice cream and hot dogs and inactivity. When I let my guard down, I revert back to a kid sitting on the couch watching TV and eating a block of Port Wine cheese with my fingers. I crave Coke. I want chips. Fried stuff. And if I'm not careful, the veggies I now love start feeling like a punishment for being fat. I wonder how long it will take for me to stop going back to that "safe place" when I am stressed out. I wonder if it is just so deeply ingrained from such an early age that I'll always have to fight it.

One of my goals it to completely shed the fat-mom mentality of exercise = punishment. I am trying to focus on *enjoying* activity. I want to create a new core for myself that sees activity and healthy eating as something I WANT to do. I need to rewire myself and stay with the new habits long enough that I never go back to the old. And the only way to do that is to DO IT.

Deprivation and Indulgence

Good morning! I woke up feeling refreshed today and ready for more activity. Yesterday was probably a bit of a wash. I did better than I had planned, yet worse than I need to do to lose weight.

Victories:
Biked for 25 minutes in the morning
Took my child to TWO parks
Walked to one of those parks in the evening, a half mile or so
Breakfast was a Kashi GoLean waffle with natural almond butter & fresh blueberries, and iced green tea (unsweetened)
Snack was a banana & nonfat Greek yogurt with honey
Dinner was a lovely Caesar salad topped with grilled salmon, freshly caught yesterday by my son, and a nice light Newman's Own Caesar dressing
I did laundry, dishes, and other chores that needed to be done
I was social
I felt great!

Not so great:
Lunch. I had salami on potato bread, thin crust mini cheese pizza, Coke, and 2 scoops of ice cream.

Yeah. So I've made the decision to once again stop buying salami, white bread, and frozen mini pizzas. It makes me kinda sad to do this again. See, I raised my kids on cheap junk because I was pretty poor. As a result, *one* of my kids has had a terribly difficult time transitioning to healthier eating. I'd stopped buying these foods because I tend to want them if they're in the house, but my teenage son has been asking for them. He is a healthy weight... in fact, he is a growing boy (man, almost). When I don't buy foods he enjoys (pizza rolls, white bread, etc) he just takes his money and goes to the convenience store and buys even WORSE stuff (mostly deep fried or sugar loaded). I hate that. I feel kinda guilty for raising him on that crap (because it was cheap). So I figured, okay. I will buy 80% healthy food, and then a few things he really enjoys to go with it so he doesn't feel deprived and go nutso eating crap when he gets out on his own. Thus, the potato bread and salami. But now, the poor boy is gonna have to do without... it's one of those foods that calls to me. The mini pizzas were for *me*... at 300 calories, I like to have one with a salad when the rest of the family is having pizza. But again, I tend to overdo it and eat them when I don't even have the calories to spare. So I guess it's back to homemade pizzas for now.

The Coke & ice cream? That was just an indulgence. One I obviously don't need.

It's tough. I know this sounds like a whine. But I spent a *lot* of years eating nothing but crap foods. Boxes of donuts and day-old bakery cakes from the food bank. Batches of sugary brownie batters and frosting that I whipped up at home. All sorts of deep-fried atrocities. Heck, there was a time in my life when I had $5 a MONTH for groceries (obviously, before I had children). I'd go down to the store and buy a HUGE box of generic cream of wheat and a couple cases of Ramen and a big jar of generic peanut butter, and that was that. Any other food I got during the month was stuff my roommate shared with me (sugar for my cream of wheat, mostly), food I got to eat when I went on a date, pizza my friends ordered and shared with me. And there was a guy who owned a potato farm who would bring us huge bags of potatoes for free! My roommates had oil. So many-a-dinner was homemade french fries dipped in mayonnaise.

When I finally got my education, got work, got remarried... then I could afford to spend a lot more than that on groceries. But I went off the deep end buying premium ice creams, gourmet chocolate, bags of chips and dip... all the stuff I couldn't afford before. I had spent so much time feeling deprived that I went 'whole hog' (in more ways than one) with the food! Food felt like a way to say to myself, "You are safe. You don't have to sit and stare at other people eating sausage lasagna and garlic bread anymore! You can eat as much as you want! Eat eat eat!"

Now, when I am out and about and I have a fleeting thought of "gee, I am at the mall, I want a pretzel" or "an iced coffee would be great right about now," I WANT IT. When I don't go get it, I feel deprived. I feel like I used to feel when I'd want that stuff and just *couldn't* because of money issues. I feel cheated, I get mad because I've "gone without" for long enough and "I deserve it." This isn't working so well, not only because of my weight but also because of finances.

My new attitude, the one I am trying to cultivate, is this one:

I deserve to be HEALTHY.
I don't need a certain food to feel safe, loved, or indulged.
I can be happy without giving in to every food whim.

I tell myself these things a lot. I try to think of it as being allergic. I am, in fact, allergic to shrimp. I like shrimp; when I was a kid, I used to eat loads of deep-fried butterfly shrimp every week. It was one of my very favorite foods. When I was a teenager I developed a life-threatening shrimp allergy. One bite will send me to the ER as my airway swells shut. Now, how silly would it be for me to say: "I really LOVE shrimp. I don't want to feel deprived! I am going to eat them anyway!" Uh, no. Not good. I have to look at the sugar and junk the same way. Feeling deprived? Get over it. One bite will send me spiraling away from my healthy lifestyle and back up the scale to morbid obesity. I have to avoid this stuff because of the *reaction* it causes in me. I have to put my health, my life, first.

I know what's keeping me fat. I've been blogging for over two years now about my food intake, my activity level, my thought processes. Slowly, I'm getting better. Like the layers of an onion, the protective coats of fat and food are peeling away to reveal the true me. The old me would eat crap for days, and never think to get on a bike or take a walk. The new me, the me today, is saying "here's another thing that needs to change. It's hard but it's worth it." That's the only reason I am not 300+ pounds right now. Believe me, it would be *easy* for me to weigh that much within about 6 months if I was not working *hard* on these issues. I *am* proud of what I have accomplished and what I am doing for myself. I just wish I was more perfect at it and the pounds would just melt off like butter.

Off to get dressed and bike.

Change, or Not

After planning to sulk around all weekend doing nothing and eating the wrong kinds of stuff (we fatties call this "taking a break"), I have had a complete change of heart. I woke up ready to take it all on... feeling 100% recommitted to doing whatever I can *right now* to get this weight off. After all, my goal is not to take the easy road and stay "about the same" for another year. My goal is to change. And to change, you have to CHANGE.

Yesterday was nothing special. It wasn't a great day nor was it a bad day. It was just a blah day where I felt tired and rather unmotivated to do *anything*: the dishes sat in the sink, toys were left on the floor at bedtime, art projects remained all over the dinner table so that the kids and I grabbed leftovers and frozen stuff for dinner and ate in the living room on the sofa. I told myself I needed a break. I was feeling kinda stressed regarding the doctor's visit and the impending start of school/gymnastics/dance classes etc. It didn't help that I was mid-cycle, which usually means a few days of "blah" followed by a weight loss "whoosh" and a boost of energy a few days later (I was pre-whoosh and pre-boost). I pretty much sat around yesterday afternoon doing nothing but staring at the computer screen until my eyeballs hurt.

I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch. Then I decide to take a "break" from counting calories, and ate 3 cookies. They were okay. I didn't have any type of reaction to them. I made myself a bowl of macaroni & cheese for dinner (my ultimate comfort food) from Smart Taste "healthier" pasta and low fat milk. I skipped the vegetables. I continued my sitting festival until my child wanted me to take her outside for a bit. I was SO tired and drained that I could barely even walk around the backyard with her. I sat in a chair in a sugar fog. My energy level was ZERO and there was no way I was going to walk to the park with her. It was kinda sad...

When I went inside and she went to bed, I was feeling rather stressed. I felt tense. I started thinking about ice cream. I ate 2 more cookies but they did nothing for me. I made a store run and bought myself a pint of chocolate ice cream. I sat on the couch and slowly ate the whole thing. After the first two bites, my whole body relaxed. All the tension flowed out of me. All of my worries slipped away and I felt a real, physical and mental relief come over me like a wave. I sighed, I smiled, I felt like I'd just taken a Happy Pill. This stuff really is a drug to me.

After eating that, I was zonked. I was in the negative energy zone and went to bed with a weekend plan of getting the following accomplished:

sleeping in
sitting around letting dishes pile up
not cooking
buying some more of the foods I wouldn't normally eat, like maybe hot dogs
lazing about
not exercising
not even looking at a vegetable
doing nothing

All of that changed when I had a very vivid dream. In this dream, I was face to face with a fellow weight loss blogger (one who has succeeded in losing *all* her excess weight and is living a rich, energetic life as a result). In this dream I was like her. I was energized. I was happy. Being fit and healthy and moving daily was just *who I was*. We were talking about how happy exercise made us, by virtue of the results. And I woke up and remembered that I felt *exactly* like that last year when I weighed 214 pounds and was biking and strength training quite regularly. I woke up wanting to bike and lift and move, with no desire to eat junk. I just feel so recharged!

So the weekend laziness plan is scratched in favor of:

biking
lifting
going to the park with my child
eating healthy for energy
cleaning the house
and THEN soaking in the tub for a relaxing evening!

The only thing I can control is now. If I choose to put off being healthy, even for a weekend, it is not going to help me reach my goals. I claim my own power over my future, by owning my actions in the *now.*

Have a great weekend!

Just a Day...

Another day goes sailing by, and my eating went south for a bit. I am a bit moody, more on the tired and unmotivated side. This post is going to be just a plain ol' glimpse into a day of mine, boring as it may be.

I got up early and crept out of bed, trying not to wake the sleeping princess beside me. She'd wanted to sleep with me last night, but the resultant kicks to my gut as she apparently ran a marathon in her sleep made me realize that this is probably not good practice.

I hopped on the scale as usual. My scale is generally quite reliable, but the clutter in my bedroom started getting overwhelming, so I've been working on clearing a path and selling things on Craigslist. Yesterday, I moved the scale into the bathroom. Suddenly it was no longer "zeroed" out and I had to adjust it several times. And this morning it weighed me 3 pounds heavier than yesterday! This ticked me off, even though I know it was not really a gain. I had a perfectly on-plan day yesterday and was *expecting* a loss or at least a maintain. Yeah, I know it wasn't real. It still bugged me a little.

I was already nervous because I had scheduled an appointment with a dermatologist to have my numerous spots/moles/freckles checked out. I've been putting it off since I don't have insurance, but with the family history of skin cancer, I knew I had to buck up and get it done. When I scheduled it, they called it a "full body scan." I didn't know what to think of THAT. I hoped they'd put aside enough time for my extra big body to be scanned. I wondered if they were going to try and make me get naked on a table and if the doctor was going to want to check my nether-regions for skin issues, and I firmly decided I would absolutely *not* take all my clothes off. I figured I'd tell the guy, "Look. I just want my arms and legs and my back looked at, okay? Dude, if there is something scary going on anyplace else, I have a GYN who will tell me, okay??"

Still, I figured I better take a shower and shave my legs and pits. Just in case.

So I got up, got myself together and made my kid a mustard sandwich for breakfast (yeah, that's her favorite. Sometimes she puts cocktail sauce on it, too. At least it's whole wheat bread). I ate my healthy breakfast bowl (egg/turkey sausage/potatoes) and wheat toast. I got my teen versed in childcare practices and put him in charge of the 4-year-old, and off I went to my appointment.

I sat in the little room and waited for them to tell me what they were planning to do. They said I could keep my underwear on (gee thanks) and cover with a paper sheet thing. So I did that. It didn't take long for this guy to scan over my five million freckly spots and say I was fine. Really? Well, good, but I wish he'd taken a little more time in his looking. The highlight of the visit was when I was lying on my belly for him to check my back and he said, "Now you can turn back over... carefullyyyyyyyyy.." (with his arms out like he was bracing to catch me when I was sucked off the table by the sheer force of my fat thighs flinging over) and then when I floundered myself upright he said, "hey, you're pretty agile." Uh, yeah. Thanks.

So I was thrilled, no scary spots to be cut off and examined! Yay! I did some shopping. I had a coupon in my purse for a free package of cookie dough. It's been sitting in there awhile so I finally used it. I got myself some Greek yogurt, more fresh mozzarella for caprese stacks, deli turkey, mangoes, bananas, bagged romaine salad, light Caesar dressing, and a grapefruit. Oh and some organic sunflower seed butter, which I had on wheat bread at home for lunch.

After lunch I felt sapped. It's hot here but I think I am just listless because school is starting soon, my kids have a lot of stuff going on, I am recovering from being gone for 3 weeks, and I have a ton of decluttering to do. So I baked the cookies (it was dough for a dozen cookies, so not terribly dangerous) and shared some with the kiddos. I ate 3. I don't feel like bingeing, or eating other junk, or anything. In fact I feel the need to sit and vegetate a bit.

My son who was gone all summer working is coming home next week and I can't wait! I missed him terribly. I don't know what I will do if he decides to move out next year after he graduates. It's just not the same here without him! My husband is also coming for a short visit next week. He'll be around for two weeks and then gone again. Don't ask. I am at peace with it. I think.

I spent the rest of the day sitting around reading blogs, goofing off with my daughter, watching TV. As I was reading blogs I had a thought about activity levels. For me, it's been a real challenge to keep exercise in my daily routine. I have never been a really exercise-y person and it feels like it's just "not me" when I try to do all that stuff, at first. But once I get into a routine it feels *great.* Last summer, I was biking 6 days a week, lifting weights 3 days a week, and walking. And I felt wonderful! I felt strong. It was a new "me" and I liked it. Now, I am forcing myself to do some Wii Fit or take a walk everyday but it just isn't enough. Like I said the other day, gotta work for it.

So, I am going to take this weekend to recharge. I'm going to rest, read, take a nice long bubble bath (something I haven't done in AGES) and write myself a new exercise routine with times and dates on it. And come Monday, I am diving into the exercise head first. I'm going to call around and figure out if there is a gym with a personal trainer and childcare available near me. I need a kick in the butt!

Wanting It

I've heard people say, if you want something bad enough, you'll make it happen. If not, you'll make excuses. I've seen "weight loss success" stories where the person says something along the lines of, "I just decided I wanted it more than anything else." And it used to make me mad... as if they were saying that *I* just didn't *want* to lose weight "bad enough." How would they know what the longing of my heart was? Did they know I'd lie in bed and sob because I was so tired of being unable to walk to the park with my child... so ashamed of my out-of-control behavior... so disgusted with my size extra, extra, extra-large clothes that had holes worn in the thighs and barely fit me? Oh, I wanted it. I wanted it pretty bad. Something else was holding me back.

You could label that "something else" as a lot of different things:

Fear: I was afraid I might lose weight and still be unhappy. I was afraid if I lost the weight, someone might be able to harm me. I've written about this fear before. While it's still there in the background, I've pretty much countered the fears, dealt with them, and feel confident that they will no longer hinder me from reaching my goals (as long as I pay attention and *notice* when fear begins to distract me. I can talk myself through it now and be okay).

Laziness: I don't consider myself a lazy person. I've pushed through a lot of difficult circumstances to achieve great things. Yet sometimes I just didn't *feel* like getting on that darned bike and riding, or talking a mile walk, or strength training. So I didn't. I sat on the computer or watched TV instead. I am sorta stewing in this right now. Although I am *busy* with all the business that having 5 kids entails, I have not been doing anything terribly strenuous nor effective as exercise lately.

Binge Eating Disorder: It's pretty obvious I have this issue. During the first year of weight loss blogging, I worked almost exclusively on my physical habits. I changed *what* I ate, the amounts I ate, and what I was doing. And then after I lost 64 pounds, the bottom dropped out on me and my brain rebelled. The eating disorder tried to take back over. The entire last year has been a *mental* struggle, working on the inner goings-on of the eating disordered mind. I've spent a year now addressing the emotional and mental issues behind the eating, and my behavior in this regard has improved dramatically.

So, now what? Do I still want it? I have a lot of weight left to lose. What am I going to do *this* year?

Yeah, I want it. I am tired of fighting the same 20 pounds for an entire year while I worked through the emotional stuff. I am ready to move my focus back to the physical. Ready to get back into the habit of regular, meaningful exercise. Kick laziness to the curb. Get below 200 pounds this year. That's what I want, and I want it *really* bad.

When I was seven years old, the eye doctor told my mother I needed glasses. I remember how excited I was, picking out the perfect 80's brown plastic frames and wearing them to school proudly. I was shot down rather quickly with taunts of "four eyes" and mocking on the playground. I found out that wearing glasses is NOT fun when it rains and they get all streaked up, or when it is cold out and you walk inside and your lenses fog up and you run into a wall and everyone laughs at you. I hated how they got this salty fog of sweat on the inner corners after I rode my bike, and I hated the red spots they left on my nose and ears on a hot day. As the years wore on, I got different frames... bigger, geekier plastic ones, thick-lensed wire-framed ones. But I always *hated* wearing glasses.

When I was fourteen, my parents finally consented to me getting contact lenses. My life would be changed! I would be able to walk in the rain and the cold and the heat like normal people again! I wouldn't be so dorky and geeky anymore! I couldn't WAIT!

I came home with my contacts, which had been placed in my eyes by the eye doctor. He'd showed me how to get them out and back in, and said I should remove them after 2 hours and gradually work up to wearing them all day. Two hours later, I was in the bathroom at home trying desperately to get them out of my eyes. Let me tell you, if you've never touched your eyeball before, and have a thin sheet of plastic stuck to your iris, it is HELL... HELL I tell you... to get used to putting your fingers in your eye, pinching the plastic *just right* and getting it off your eye. I kept instinctively jerking back when I'd touch my eyeball. I started feeling sick when I'd try and grab the contact lens. For over an hour I was in the bathroom, trying to get those things out of my eyes. At one point I was so dizzy and nauseous from the eyeball-touching that I had to go lie down on the couch so I wouldn't puke or pass out.

At this point, my parents said, "Maybe we should take you back to the doctor to get them out." But I kept on trying, and eventually I got them out with no harm to my eyeballs. I was so nauseated from the ordeal that I couldn't eat.

Getting them back into my eyes the next day was not much better. If you're not used to inserting things onto your eyeball, it ain't easy. Again I kept instinctively jerking away. My eyes kept blinking shut to protect themselves. It sucked. And two hours later, I was once again going through an hour of nausea-inducing eye-prying, sticking my fingers in my eyes to get the contacts out alternated with lying on the couch in tears.

Now my parents said, "I don't think it's worth it. Why don't you just go back to glasses?" But to me, it WAS worth it. I believed that all of my social woes would be solved by those contacts. All the cool girls had contacts. I had been a geeky girl since I was 7, and I was *determined* to change myself into the pretty, sleek, NON-geeky girl of my dreams.

I did it. I stuck with it. Over time, it got easier. And soon, it became effortless to pop those lenses in and out... even when I grew my nails long to have prettier hands. A year later, I grew out my hair and went from frumpy, mousy, unkempt short stylelessness to long, flowing, wavy femininity. About the same time, my boobs grew, I got some curves and some height, and I went from a dumpy wardrobe of Kliban tee shirts and corduroy pants to pretty sweaters, form fitting jeans, and flowing trendy skirts. I became confident and no longer sat hiding in the corner under my brown plastic glasses. My life *did* change... and it all began with those contacts.

I wanted it bad enough to go through the extreme discomfort that went with getting used to the change.

Do I want the new, lighter healthy body badly enough to get on that bike everyday, lift weights regularly, and MOVE through the discomfort?

It would've been *so easy* to give up and go back to glasses. Just as easy as sitting on the couch watching TV.

Wanting it is NOT enough. We have to WORK for it. Persevere. Get it done.

That's my goal for this, my third year of weight loss blogging. I will keep working at it until I get it done. One bike ride at a time.

Annoyed...

I am irritated this morning because:

1) someone kept calling and hanging up at 7:30am on the ONE day my daughter decided to sleep past 6; and
2) last night I turned to food for comfort.

I am tired, slightly grumpy, but taking stock of the situation. Last night, after a successful day of eating within my calorie range, I was getting frustrated because I had a busy day and my daughter was *still* not asleep at 10:30. She'd fallen asleep in the car earlier and had a long nap, which usually results in a late night for her and no "me" time for me. At the end of my rope, I sat down with a bowl of cereal and started eating. Within 20 minutes, I'd eaten a bowl of Kashi whole grain cereal, a bowl of raisin bran (both with skim milk), 2 squares of extra dark chocolate (50 cal each), and 2 or 3 ounces of cheddar cheese. And maybe a half ounce of nuts. That's what I'm annoyed about. I don't like it when I "use" food that way. It's no different from someone having a hard day at work and heading to the bar to get drunk for relief. That bothers me.

You might look at that and say, "hey, that's not too bad! It was all healthy stuff! Lots of fiber, protein, and not the junky stuff you *used* to binge on." And that's true. In fact, it didn't even really feel like a binge, per se. I didn't feel frantic or desperate. I just felt tired and frustrated and wanted some kind of happiness to take the place of the frustration I was feeling. But when you consider that my little food festival came in at over 900 calories, it's obvious that this behavior is *not* conducive to weight loss, nutritious or not.

What I learned upon reflection this morning:

1) Don't eat nutrient-free meals during the day and expect to be okay at night. Yesterday I was at the mall for 4 hours and had a soft pretzel and a soy mocha for lunch. While I made it fit into my calories, it obviously was not the best choice and set me up for weakness later.

2) Cereal might be an issue. I almost *never* have cereal for breakfast because I feel so much better when I have protein + veggies or fruit. I buy relatively healthy cereals for my kids, and I like to have a bowl for a snack or dinner sometimes and it doesn't usually trigger me to overeat. However, yesterday I was in a rush and had a bowl of cereal for breakfast which set me up wanting carbs ALL DAY LONG. That led to the pretzel, and eventually to more cereal at night.

3) When I was tired and frustrated, all I wanted was some comfort. In fact, if I could have had a back rub or a nice, long hug and a few words of comfort at that moment, I wouldn't have even *thought* about eating. This is what is missing from my life, and I can't really fix that at the moment. I get very tired of being essentially a single mom, but that's just how it is right now. So I have to suck it up and deal in a way that doesn't involve overeating. This is the biggest issue, and the hardest to fix.

As I said yesterday, I know that eating stuff I wish I hadn't doesn't make me a bad person, but it might make me a fatter person. So I will be more careful today. I have no desire to eat junk or binge or any of that. I feel pretty much at peace this morning and know I will be eating healthy foods and getting some much-needed exercise in today.

I want to be strong; I want to be fit. I want to be loved, cherished, and held sometimes, too. Maybe someday I will be both.

Mushy Mindset

It's funny how I vacillate from moment to moment from, "I don't care, I want cookies" to "losing weight is the most important thing right now, and I will do anything to get there." I mean, literally. One minute I am seriously considering buying cookie dough, and the next I am thinking I should eat an egg and some broccoli for dinner and do an hour of exercise. Today in the grocery store, I was happily going along buying my fiber-rich, low sugar cereal when suddenly I really, *really* wanted chocolate chip cookies. I stood there at the dairy case, looking at the cookie dough and thinking, "yeah. It's worth it. I want some." Then my brain sort of flicked to another channel and I didn't especially care anymore, so I went on and bought my skim milk and came home.

I waver, minute to minute, between the edge of a binge and being firmly entrenched in healthy living.

It doesn't bother me like it used to. I used to beat myself up, fight myself over the *wanting.* And that would lead to actually EATING those foods, because I already felt so guilty about the thoughts that I figured I may as well go on and eat it.

Ridiculous? Maybe. But similar to a religious precept I was taught growing up: a thought is as much a sin as an action is. If you lust after a woman, you already committed adultery with her in your heart. I remember praying for forgiveness constantly as a child because I was afraid I would be condemned for the things that casually passed through my mind, or things I considered doing but never did. And that mindset passed to my eating disorder: if you lust after a food, you already binged on it in your heart. You're just as guilty thinking about it... wanting it... as if you had eaten ten thousand calories of that food. And so, in the past, when I'd start the terrible wanting, lusting, crazy desiring, I'd become so overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and shame that I didn't think it would be any worse to actually *eat* the stuff.

No more.

I am in a constant state of flux (as constant as flux can be) between the binge eating desires and the healthy behaviors desires. ALL the time... well, 95% of the time... I *do* care what I eat. I *do* want to eat healthy, move, be fit, get healthy, lose weight. I want it with all of my being. But then there's that 5% of the time when I just don't care about that stuff. All I want, all that consumes my entire consciousness in those moments is the next fix of junk food: the Oreos, the pizza, how much candy and cake and cheese can I eat before I am too stuffed to manage another bite? Sometimes, seriously, that is *all* that matters to me. And those are the moments of decision... the moments that make this journey or break it.

I won't lie. It's been hard. Sometimes I've given in, and then I regret it later. But you know what? The times when I feel so urgently overwhelmed by food desires have lessened *so much* over the past 2 years that it is, in itself, quite remarkable. I'd say that 2 years ago, 90% of the time I was in that food mindset, and 10% of the time I cared what I ate and wanted to be healthy. And now, it's down to only about 5% food insanity. That's amazing. And great. Because when you are in that state of food obsession, you really can't focus on much else: not your health, not your home, not your family. And that sucks.

So today when I got that brief urge for cookie dough, I didn't become guilt-ridden and start hating myself and labeling myself a glutton or a failure or a sinner.I just smiled, thought about cookies and how yummy they are, and walked away. Sure, sometimes I'll give in. Sometimes I even overindulge at a super-delicious meal. But that doesn't make me bad, or weak. It makes me human. If I do it too often, it makes me fat.

I told a friend today that I wish I didn't vacillate in my mind like that. I feel like a split personality sometimes with the little kid screaming in the background "I want caaaake!" and the grown-up me saying "not right now." I still battle myself sometimes, but far less often than I used to. And I like that.

My friend told me that over time, she believed I would develop a "firmer mindset," meaning less vacillation and less uncertainty. That's true. It gets easier with time. The more healthy choices we make, the less mushy our mindset becomes.

I wish the weight would just fall off, but I realise that I am not just changing the way I eat. I am changing the way I live, the way I think. I am changing the very core of my behaviors, and that takes time. And *that* will be time well spent.

Farmer's Market: Tomatoes!

It's summertime, and that means it's time for tomatoes! I used to hate tomatoes. As a child, you couldn't even get me NEAR a chunk of *cooked* tomato, much less a raw piece. I vividly remember picking every tiny speck of recognizable tomato out of my spaghetti sauce. Once, someone told me that the cherry tomatoes on the salad bar were really sweet, like candy. They were pretty and red and I *wanted* to like them, so I popped one in my mouth. I will never forget the horrible sensation as I bit down and that little ball of disdain popped open in my mouth and oozed nasty seeds and slimy sourness all over my tongue. Ugh.

Now that I have you drooling for tomatoes, let me explain. When I grew up, I tried tomatoes again: regular ones AND cherry or grape tomatoes. I still hated them. Yuck.

So why the tomato post?? Because I am here to tell you that a real, fresh local GARDEN tomato ripened in the sunshine on the vine is an entirely different food than those nasty, firm, pale, shipped-green-and-gassed-red tomatoes you find in supermarkets. They are not even on the same planet as far as taste goes!

The first time I had a "real" tomato, I was shocked! It was delicious, flavorful, and sweet. Now I relish summertime Farmer's Market (or garden) tomatoes. They are wonderful on sandwiches and in salads. My very favorite sandwich is a turkey club: turkey breast, greenleaf lettuce, thin crisp bacon, and a thick slice of real, ripe tomato on whole wheat toast with a smear of light mayo or mashed avocado. So good!

Yesterday at the Farmer's Market I saw these:

They look way bigger in the picture than they really are. These babies were the size of a dime. I popped one in my mouth: sweet! So sweet, I kid you not. I really dislike cherry tomatoes in general but these were so good I can just sit and eat them from a bowl like candy. If you see tiny little tomatoes like this at the market, taste one! Delish.

When I got home, I realized I have a bumper crop of BIG, homegrown tomatoes in my garden. I bet I have 15 or 20 pounds of tomatoes sitting in my kitchen right now:

What to do with so many fresh ripe tomatoes?? Well, today or tomorrow I'll be making spaghetti sauce from scratch. There's nothing like a homemade pasta sauce from fresh tomatoes! So simple, so good. Basically, here's what I do (not really a recipe, but a concept):

1. Wash tomatoes and remove stems
2. Get a huge pot of water to boil
3. Stick the tomatoes in there, as many as will fit, and remove them in 45 seconds with tongs or a slotted spoon. Place into a sink full of ice water. Do this in batches until they're all done.
4. Slip the skins off and throw them away. I do this while waiting the 45 seconds between batches.
5. Cut each tomato in half and run my thumb through the insides, over a sink, to remove most of the seeds.
6. Rough chop the tomatoes, placing in a colander to drain and then moving them into a large stockpot as I run out of room.
7. In a separate pan, I put a bit of olive oil. I chop some onion and garlic and throw it in there to cook. When it's soft, I put it in with the tomatoes on low heat.
8. In the same pan, I brown the meat. I am using a package of Italian chicken sausages. Turkey sausage is nice too (Foster Farms. I HATE Jennie-O Italian turkey sausages!!) Then I stick them in the pan with the tomatoes. They don't have to be cooked through, just browned a bit for flavor.
9. Add some fresh basil and dried oregano (because that's what I have) and a bit of salt, pepper, maybe a dash of cayenne (or I may just add one halved, seeded jalapeno from the garden and fish it out later).
10. Simmer all day on medium low. Stir frequently. If it needs liquid I add chicken stock. I cover the pot with a splatter screen like this one, which lets water evaporate from the sauce but keeps splatters off your stove.

Taste for seasoning near the end, and add anything you think it needs. If it's too acidic, a teaspoon of sugar will help (I use agave nectar). When the sauce is cooked, you can remove the meat (meatballs are great cooked in this too), and use a stick blender to smooth it out if you like it extra smooth. I love this over spaghetti squash!

Now, for the best part. Carprese stacks! If you've never had this simple, delicious salad, now's the time! Start with fresh, ripe red tomatoes and fresh basil.

Slice the tomatoes nice and thick. Get yourself some *good* fresh mozzarella (I have had some nasty, flavorless, rubbery fresh mozzarella. It came from the supermarket in a tub of brine. The kind I got this time was in a shrink wrapped ball, and was Bel Gioioso brand. Very soft and tasty!) Slice the mozzarella about the same thickness as the tomatoes. You can layer them in a circle on a plate for a crowd, or you can just stack them for a single serving. Slice up some of those nice fresh basil leaves and scatter them on top. Then top with just a drizzle of good quality extra virgin olive oil (I really like the Bertolli brand... the kind that says "Rich Taste" on the front.) A bit of salt & pepper, and you have a masterpiece:


Delicious! (If you really want to drool, click on that picture above)!

Enjoy your tomatoes!

Food Haul

I'm back from the Farmer's Market and I am basking in the afterglow of a caprese stack, fresh from the garden. More on that later...

I absolutely adore my Farmer's Market. I feel so blessed to live in a place where I can get such an immense variety of fresh, locally grown produce. We even have several really good organic farms that sell at the market. I just love summer! Remember, folks, it IS summer (for most of us), so if you are not out there enjoying nature's bounty of delicious ripe foods in season, get off your butt and GET OUT THERE!! Find a place to buy local stuff! Even if you don't have a farmer's market, most places do have a produce stand or a farm or somewhere that you can go and buy fruit or veggies that were just picked. Try searching here or here. And while you're at it, get in some nice warm-weather activity. Take a walk or a swim or something. Enjoy the season!

I totally would not have lost this weight without the Farmer's Market. When winter came and the market closed, I was worried I wouldn't know what to eat. But after visiting *every* grocery store within a 20-minute drive of my home, I found the one I felt had the best produce section and I started going there once a week, pretending it was a Farmer's Market. Lots of yummy things come into season in the winter, like acorn squash, butternut squash, leeks, Clementines, and pomegranates. Every trip to the store was like a treasure hunt, and I always have lots of fun on my once-weekly produce jaunt, no matter what the season.

Today's haul of fresh, local produce included:
red raspberries
strawberries
blackberries
18 HUGE organic peaches
7 organic nectarines
a pound of fresh Lima beans
a bag of teeny-tiny supersweet red and yellow tomatoes the size of a dime
a big seedless watermelon
a cantaloupe
6 ears of sweet corn
2 medium yellow summer squash
a bulb of fresh garlic
one bunch of sweet fresh basil
one acorn squash
one spaghetti squash
a bag of baby red potatoes
3 pounds of freshly picked apples

Cost? $47. Health? Priceless.

My garden is also yielding nicely, with tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, and melons almost ready. Life is good!

Enjoy your weekend :)

Real Food!!

Yes, another post today. I am *so excited* to be back to real food! I went to the grocery store today for:

organic skim milk
whole wheat bread
fresh blueberries
organic baby spinach
fresh mushrooms
canned pears
tuna salad cups (80 calories each, great for a protein fix!)
Egg Beaters
Double Fiber English muffins
Carb Balance tortillas
cheese
Gardenburgers
black beans
refried beans
red onion
avocado
canned tomatoes
organic nonfat yogurt

After I got home, my son brought in about 30 fresh, ripe tomatoes from the garden! Guess I didn't need those canned ones after all. Will make some sauce, and buy some fresh mozzarella and fresh basil for caprese stacks tomorrow! Yum. We also got a pepper and a zucchini from the garden. Tomorrow, we'll hit the Farmer's Market for the *real* haul of food!

Dinner tonight: black bean salad. Simple: rinsed, drained black beans, diced tomatoes, chopped avocado, minced red onion, and seasoning, tossed and chilled. Yum!

Doing great, counting calories, feeling wonderful!

Home At Last

Good morning!! I am so so happy to be home. Thank you for all the kind words and welcomes. Sleeping in my own cozy bed last night was fabulous, even though my daughter, still functioning on east coast time, was up at 4am bouncing into my bed with a cheery "good morning!" I convinced her to lie down with me for another hour and a half since it was still dark outside. This time change thing might make a true morning person out of me! Not.

If you missed my update last night, check that out for my August 1 weigh in. This morning's weigh-in was not especially thrilling, but honestly not as bad as I expected: 244. I am *very* bloated from sitting for hours in airports and on planes over the last two days, plus all the salty stuff we ate. Going back to my pre-trip weigh-in, I see a gain of 6 pounds over the past 3 weeks. I think it will *all* come off within a week or two. In fact I am sure of it. I have never felt so excited to get back to my regular eating and exercise routine.

Some of the "healthy lifestyle" obstacles that I faced on my (wonderful, exciting, joyful) vacation were:

Staying in a home where no one likes vegetables. My family was so sweet and went on a special trip to the store to buy me some broccoli ("that's the stuff that looks like the cauliflower but green, right?") which was the only veggie I saw that week!

Staying with folks who don't like water and had well water that tasted like sulfur. I did go to the store and buy bottled water, but still didn't get anywhere near my usual half gallon or more per day I drink at home.

Delicious, homemade dinners like spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, teriyaki chicken, and fresh deli perogies with sausages. There were several burger and hot dog cookouts, and I figured out where I got my sweet tooth from: a dessert every night after dinner seems to run in the family! Special baked cakes, cookies, and treats made for sweet endings to meals. I indulged a bit but you know how it is. You never, ever binge in front of people. Especially not family. So I was fine with small tastes, and never once raided the kitchen at night for a sugar binge. Couldn't risk getting caught, and besides, I was quite enjoying my visit *without* focusing on the food. Although that spaghetti was amazing...

Eating out. We did a bit of driving between homes and airports and visiting my hometown, with no room for a cooler in the trunk. I bought some healthy snacks like nuts and bananas and whole grain crackers, but overall, honestly, I just said forget it. I am on vacation. I am not going to stress about my calories. I had a couple of cheesesteaks and some good pizza. When my son and I ordered salads from a "nice" restaurant, I took a few bites and then watched as a bug CRAWLED out of my son's salad, hopped off the plate, and dashed away. UGH!!!!!!!

You remember how I was stressing before I left, because there were *so many* foods and restaurants I wanted to revisit to "reconnect" with my childhood and my parents? I had a list a mile long of restaurants I felt like I *had* to go to in order to make my hometown trip complete. It was very odd. "If I don't go to this specific restaurant and eat a Reuben sandwich with pickles and cheese like my father always did, then life will be incomplete." I thought it was essential. While I was there, I took some time to think about this some more. And I realized it was not the restaurant nor the sandwich I wanted. It was my Dad. I wanted to travel back in time and be sitting at the restaurant with my father across from me, talking, moving, breathing, being my Dad. I didn't want to be an orphan anymore. I thought if I went there, and sat in the same room at the same table of my memories and smelled that Reuben sandwich, maybe my Dad would reappear and sit with me and we could talk and hug and visit. Well, not really. But it felt that way. And once I addressed that desire and came to grips that that was *not* going to happen, I didn't even want to go to the restaurant anymore. I wanted to keep my sacred memories, intact and perfect in my mind, unadulterated by a new color of paint in the dining room or a new set of tables or different stuff hanging on the walls. I wanted to just remember it the way it was, and embrace the memory of my Father and I together, back when I was a little girl. Back when he was alive.

Of the foods I did try, just a taste was suffucient for most of them. And none of them tasted as amazing as I had expected. The only thing that was as good as I remembered was the peanut butter Tastycakes... sooo good... but I only ate one 2-pack serving. Much improved from the last time I had them, when my mother died and I tried to drown my pain by eating a dozen BOXES of Tastycakes (there are 6 or 8 2-packs in a box. Yes, I ate that much. No, it did not stop the pain, nor did it bring my mother back).

This morning, I got up and had my big glass of water and my hot tea and then set about the task of unpacking and beginning to clean house. I got the fridge scrubbed out but it is very empty now... no produce at all... so a trip to the Farmer's Market will be happening very soon. I can't wait to fill my body with fresh, ripe, juicy peaches, watermelon, cantaloupe, beets, and Lima beans! My breakfast choices were limited by the lack of food this morning, so I had a bowl of Raisin Bran with skim milk while my son made pancakes and my daughter ate 2 huge bowls of cheese tortellini. I'll be riding my bike in between vacuuming, mopping, and laundry in a huge cleaning marathon today punctuated my pain medication and blog reading during breaks.

So very good to be home!!

August 1, 2009: 242 Pounds

I am finally home!! I arrived back a day later than expected due to a cancelled flight, but I am oh-so-happy to have gone and to be back home. I wish I'd had a laptop with me on this trip... I really missed blogging! But thanks to those of you who hung in there in my absence and are coming back to read more! I missed you and I certainly have a lot of blog reading to catch up on (after I unpack and stuff, of course!)

This trip was truly a turning point in my *life.* It was meant to be a special vacation to visit my only relatives. It's been 8 years since I last saw my Aunts and some cousins, and that was briefly at my mother's funeral (a very traumatic time for me). Before that, the last time I saw my family was 1992. So it really was time to reconnect. I needed it more than I realized. I am truly thankful for the kindness of those who made it possible for me to do this. It's not something I could have done on my own. This trip was a gift to me for my 40th birthday this summer, and I could not imagine a better present. I am so grateful.

I'll share more of my experiences over the next week or two, but for now let me update on the weight loss front. I did not go nutso with the food. I did stay in a home where I only saw *one* vegetable in a week's time... a huge change from my produce-based home intake! I was in the homes of various relatives for most of the vacation, and there were lots of barbecues, home-cooked meals, and some days of take-out. I did a lot of swimming and walking but not much else for exercise. The only time I was near a scale was right around the first of the month, so I took advantage of it to continue my usual ritual of weighing in "officially" on the first of every month. On August 1, the scale said I weighed 242 pounds, which is one pound higher than last month. Now, I am not sure just how accurate this scale was, and it was definitely not my usual home scale, but I'm reporting it just for the sake of having a number as a reference point. September 1's weigh-in will mean a lot more to me than this one does.

And now, it's late and I am heading off to bed. My fingers are just itching to write some new, regular posts again! I am excited to get back to my routine and see the results in the mirror.