Journey

Yesterday, I spent 5 hours on the road driving my child to a medical appointment. I've become accustomed to such trips; I've been making them for about 12 years now, and it looks like this is going to be part of my life for many more years to come.

In the past, when I made this trip, I looked at it as an excuse to eat a lot of crap. I'd go out and buy "car snacks" for my kids (junk foods they'd rarely get, like little packs of cookies and crackers, bottles of Gatorade, and candy) and for myself (bottled sugary coffees, candy bars, more cookie packs) to "sustain" us on the road. And then of course we had to stop for at least one meal, sometimes two... and guess what our main stop was? McDonalds. Nothing like a Big Mac meal chased down by candy and cookies to make a road trip exciting! Sometimes though, we'd stop at a Denny's or something, because you can't get onions rings at McDonald's.

Yesterday, I did some planning. I chilled some bottles of water in the fridge and made peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat for the kids. I packed a little cooler with the water, sandwiches, fresh cherries, whole grain crackers. I brought a little 80-calorie cup of tuna salad for myself with All Bran crackers. And we brought some goldfish crackers for the kids because, hey, a little fun is good!

Unfortunately I got only 4 hours of sleep the night before the trip, and I woke up feeling pretty awful. I made my tea, had my breakfast and we hit the road. About an hour and a half into the trip I was feeling like pulling over and going to sleep on the side of the road; instead, I pulled in to a rest stop for some free coffee. But the usual stand was closed up. I hit the next Starbucks for a latte, and off we went.

When we got near our destination, we decided to stop at a rather large park to eat our picnic lunch. We walked around in the sunshine, and ate beside a river. The kids fed bread crumbs to the geese and ran around the playground. It was glorious! We all wanted to stay longer. There were walking trails and paths everywhere. Why have I never noticed this before?? In TWELVE YEARS and at *least* 20 trips to this doctor, we never came to this lovely park to play and have a picnic. Why?? I was too focused on french fries and M&M's to notice it.

The park was the highlight of the trip and the kids are already asking to go back, but it's not a trip we will make again (probably) for another year. You can bet when we do go, there will be a picnic lunch, playing, and a lot of walking the trails. What a lovely visit we had. I can't believe I missed it ALL those years. It was there for the taking, yet my carload of kids and I were at McDonald's instead. NO more.

On the way home, we snacked on bran crackers and the kids napped for a couple of hours. When we got within an hour of home it was dinnertime. Back at home, contractors were *finally* working on my gutted, flooded main bathroom and my house was a mess. Exhausted, I decided to stop for dinner. But no fast food.

We stopped at a restaurant. I scanned the menu. I should have gotten a salad, but I was feeling this big need for something *warm* and full of protein, so I ordered a turkey sandwich. Not just deli turkey; REAL, slow roasted turkey... in big, warm, falling-apart pieces. Oh it was divine. The problem is that it said "on sourdough" but in fact when it arrives, the bread was *buttered* and grilled. Not happy about that. Should have asked more questions.... but I ate it and left part of the bread. Boy the turkey was great though. I also had a choice of fries of potato salad... and went with the potato salad. I ate about 3 bites of that. Trying not to eat fried foods anymore. I had some bean/vegetable soup as well, about half a cup.

At the end of dinner we decided to share one dessert. We got a little "lava cake" with ice cream and I got about 4 bites of that.

When I got home, it took me a long, long time to get the kids to bed. Sleeping in the car isn't always helpful. When I finally got them all down, I sat down in the silence and all I wanted to do was BINGE. It was 10pm, my stomach was growling, and I just wanted to eat, and eat, and eat. I took a moment and checked in with myself:

Me: what's going on?
Self: I wanna eat.
Me: Why? You ate enough today.
Self: I just wanna. Gimme ice cream.
Me: You'll get heartburn eating this late. Bad idea.
Self: So what. Gimme cheese.
Me: I can see you're just *very* tired. You only got four hours of sleep last night, and had a long day. I think you should go to bed now and not eat anything.
Self: *yawn* but I wanna eaaaaaaat...
Me: (hauls self to bed)

So I did get to bed by 10:30, my daughter woke me up at 12:30, and then we were up at 7. I feel better going to bed earlier. I need to do it more often.

Oh, and the doctor appointment? Went wonderfully! One more area of concern is nearly eliminated, with a follow-up appointment in one year to be sure. Relief!

Now I know I didn't have an ideal day yesterday. It was an improvement over what I used to do, but I am starting to become more critical of myself lately because even with improvement, the weight just is not coming off. At the time when I am sitting in a restaurant after avoiding fast food all day and not letting myself have onion rings, it *seems* like I am doing GREAT when I decide to share one dessert with my kids instead of getting the huge dessert I really want all for myself (and then getting some cookies "to go" for later). It *seems* in the moment like I made a good choice, and it *feels* in the moment like I am being strict with myself and making a good compromise. But then I look back and think, "do you really expect to lose weight eating lava cake and ice cream?!?"

The critical self and the accepting self have to come to some kind of agreement, I guess. There is acceptance, and there is excuse-making. Am I successful because I have made (and kept) enough changes to keep me *out* of morbid obesity for over a year now? Am I a failure because I am not losing weight? On any given day I waver. Happy because I have changed and eliminated 99% of my binge behavior. Sad because I am still fat. Happy because I am able to live life more fully now. Sad because I am not living life as fully as I could be.

I'm choosing to be the glass-half-full kinda girl. I'll embrace the changes I've made and be proud of the weight loss I have maintained. I accept that I am going to take awhile to get the rest of the pounds off, because for me, it's not just a matter of "oh, I'll just eat salad and chicken, and jog 6 miles a day, and the weight will fall off." It's complicated. And only I can discover the intimate details of what made me fat, and change them. Yet I have to hold myself accountable and not just excuse the mistakes I make. I have to examine my actions on a regular basis so I can keep adjusting my course, bit by bit, to get where I want to be.

Little adjustments. Big efforts. Learning. And time.

I'll get there.

Farmer's Market!

I just got back from a great trip to the local Farmer's Market. I forgot how much those weekly trips helped me last year. Somehow, when I buy all that healthy produce and fill my fridge with it, I am far more inclined to eat it all than to buy junk. That was totally the key to my weight loss last summer. I just love the Farmer's Market!!

I had to leave early this morning to take my son and a neighbor to a class half an hour away. I am *not* a morning person. I stagger out of bed. I make my tea. I like to lounge in my pj's reading the news and various blogs while I slowly wake up. None of that this morning! In fact, I didn't even make myself breakfast (I did feed the kids, though). As I was about to charge out the door, I realized I was setting myself up for hunger and a junk run, with none of the snacks in place that I planned yesterday for myself and the kids. I doubled back to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of Cheerios and a breakfast bar for my daughter, and popped a handful of almonds in my mouth. Not the best, but hey, a cup of tea was just not going to get my through. I knew I'd be at the Farmer's Market after I dropped them off, so I could get more to eat there.

When we got the the market, can you guess what my little one started clamoring for? Cookies! Yeah. There's a couple of small local bakeries that sell their goods at the market alongside all the fruits and veggies, and... you guessed it... I'd gotten in the bad habit of buying fresh cookies and sweet bread when I went. This time, I stuck to my guns. I avoided the cookie tables. She kept asking, but I kept saying "let's look for fruit!" and distracting her. Even when we walked past the freshly popping Kettle Corn, I managed to avert her attention to other things. I bought a pint of raspberries and offered her some. She refused. But 20 minutes later as I shopped, she asked for them! She ate half the container right there in the market. I had a few too. Yummy!

When we got back to the car, she got in and asked for more berries. She was sitting in her car seat eating berries as we drove away from the market, when suddenly she realized she did NOT get a cookie. It wasn't pretty, but it only lasted a few minutes (wailing, crying, sobbing) and then she was fine. Victory!

Here's what I bought at the Farmer's Market today:

large bag of green beans
small bag of yellow beans
pound of tiny, baby red potatoes
pint of raspberries
large bag of beautiful yellow Rainier cherries
1 organic cabbage
pound of snow peas
3 large organic yellow squashes
5 little yellow pattypan squashes
1 dozen brown free range eggs
2 baby bok choy

I paid about $20 for all of this. I generally try to buy all of my weekly produce at the Farmer's Market instead of the grocery store. They had some gorgeous broccoli, onions, garlic, cauliflower, beets, and greens but I already have all that stuff at home. Next week I will buy some from there. The produce is all locally grown and so much fresher and tastier than what you get in the grocery store! I cannot WAIT for the yummy ripe tomatoes to be in season!

I also got myself a small sugar free vanilla iced latte at the Farmer's Market. I love iced coffee. They roast their own beans locally. Yummy!

I am so happy I have all this great REAL FOOD in my house now! The cherries are divine! And I will be making myself one or two of those free range eggs for lunch shortly.

If you haven't tried your local produce, get out there and give it a shot! It's amazing how the sights and flavors of fresh local produce makes junk food fade into the background.

Enjoy your day!

Fast Food Screwup

Last month, I spent a lot of time and too much money on drive thrus. Every time I went out... 3 or 4 times a week... I'd end up going for fast food: McDonald's, Arby's, Wendy's. And oh the iced coffees I drank from McD's and Starbucks. It got totally out of control for about a month, mainly because I was dealing with a lot of "stuff" and fast food seems 1) convenient when you're on the run all day and 2) a special way of "treating" myself to something I really like. It was my stress release, my calming mechanism, my "break" from reality (seriously, haven't you almost gone into a food coma when you're sitting in a parking lot eating some unhealthy food? It's like the whole world disappears around you. I have to park. I can't drive and eat. I would totally wreck my car while concentrating on my food so much). It's no secret that's why I gained 9 pounds last month. It was all fast food.

So this month I've been diligently working on breaking that habit. Less junk, less trips through the drive thru. Only there's one problem. I unwittingly conditioned my 3-year-old to expect a kid's meal every time we go out.

We go to the store and it's "Let's go to McDonald's!" We have a doctor appointment and it's "I want some chicken nuggets!" A trip to gymnastics class results in begging for french fries and a milkshake. Oh, how I regret those drive thru trips now!

Now, if you've read my blog for long, you know I am not totally anti-fast-food. I don't mind going for a kid's meal once in awhile (as in, maybe twice a month). I am not all about banning candy, either, but she thinks she has got something really special when I give her 5 dark chocolate covered raisins a couple times a week. Moderation. Which I had none of last month.

And so we went out to run some errands today and my child started clamoring for a kid's meal from Arby's. "No," I said, "I don't like Arby's." (Well I don't like what it does to my body....) And she replied, "That's okay, you don't have to eat anything." Oh the wisdom of youth...

On down the road we went. "I'm hungry!" she said. "Please take me for some chicken nuggets and milk!" I wavered. Maybe. We'll see. Visions of Dairy Queen started dancing in my head. I started thinking about the tantrum I'd have to deal with if I said no. I wavered some more. By the time we were on the way home, I knew I was going to make that left-hand turn into the DQ drive thru. And I did! I got her a kid's meal. And I got a burger and fries and Coke and some ice cream. And when I turned around in the car to give it to her, SHE WAS ASLEEP.

I was so annoyed with myself. Why didn't I just go home? Why'd I buy this crap yet again? But I was hungry. And I ate it. In the car. I have a fry sauce stain on my shirt to prove it.

I came home and carried her in to nap and sat down to think about this. I've come to a couple of conclusions, here.

1) Neither of us needs fast food. If she has a Happy Meal in the future it is going to be a special occasion or a road trip. Not on a jaunt out for groceries.

2) I really have to get better about calmly saying no with my toddler. I never gave in to my older four kids this way. Maybe because she is the baby. Maybe because she is the girl. I dunno. She is so happy and sunshiney and sweet, and I just like to see her happy. But indulging her every whim is not going to create a balanced person. She has to be okay with being told NO.

3) I am going to make some small ziplocks of food and keep them in my purse and my car. Whole grain cereals, granola bars, almonds, peanuts, dried fruits. Then when we are on the road and she starts with the "I'm hungry" business, I can just hand her a reasonable snack to hold her over until we get home. And I am also going to bring water bottles with us from now on. No more stopping for iced coffee because I am hot and thirsty!

I have a really unhealthy love for greasy, salty, sugary fast foods. But I love fresh veggies and fruits, too. And well made, healthy meals. Wouldn't it be nice if I saved up all the money I spend on fast food in a month, and instead, went out to a nice healthy gourmet restaurant for one nice meal a month?? I would probably spend less doing that. And we aren't rich. The whole fast food thing last month because a budget problem. Better to splurge on fresh produce and lean meats, and let go of the unhealthy, icky fast food.

My daughter slumbers on the couch, and I am sitting here with a belly full o' grease. I wish I could go back and have a redo. Funny how after I ate it, I felt SO content, calm, and peaceful inside. But then after I snap out of it and realize what I have done, I am disgusted. I guess it's like getting drunk and waking up naked next to some guy you don't remember meeting. I haven't ever had that happen to me, but I would imagine the feelings are similar. Gotta stop giving in, gotta stop losing control. Need to stay sane, abstain, and be proud of myself.

I wrote about what happened, here, because I always try and be real. I always want to learn from my mistakes. And I want readers to see what it's like to have this kind of unhealthy relationship with food. The struggle is very real. I don't always win. But I never give up.

Tonight's dinner will be very light. Vegetable filled. A compensation for the calorie avalanche that befell my body this afternoon. And I'll bike. All I can do is live every moment the best I can. Just as I can't control the future, I can't control the past, either. So here and now I am living healthy. Onward...

Insanity!

Yikes!! My stress level went up exponentially this morning as I was signing my child up for swim lessons, and felt ambitious and decided to get her medical referral in place "early." I was feeling all smug for being so on top of things, as I started making phone calls, but then had quite a jaw-drop moment when I looked at the calendar and realized that her appointment is MONDAY. Yes, *this* Monday, as in, right after the weekend... as in, today is FRIDAY and her doctor's office closes early on Fridays and I haven't even ASKED them to start the referral yet nor have I gone over to sign the release to send her medical records to the new doctor. YIKES!! Not to mention, I wasn't exactly planning being on the road for 5+ hours on Monday. Gee, I thought it was still mid-June. What happened to the time???

As I was bugging out and making phone calls, one lady I reached to ask for help took it upon herself to scold me for calling so late in the game. "I'm sorry," I stammered, "Time just got away from me...." Isn't that how it always is?

After I got off the phone with her, I had that feeling you get when someone scolds you... the little kid wanting to hide in her room feeling. The dog with its tail between its legs feeling. Add that to the previous frantic chaos I was dealing with prior to the phone call, and what do you get?

Cookies! Big Macs! Pizza! Chips! Candy!

Yeah, isn't it weird that my mind goes *there* when I feel overwhelmed?

Instead, I made myself a healthy breakfast, took a deep breath, and processed.

I really have no reason to feel upset, ashamed, or guilted by some stranger on the phone. Hey, I'm doing the best I can. She doesn't know my circumstances. And everyone makes mistakes. Really, her irritation is HERS, not mine. I just need to keep doing what I need to do, the best I can, with what I have *now.* Breathe. Let it go. Don't be anxious. Just try and get things in order for the trip. And if I can't, if it's too late, so be it. I can reschedule.

Binge avoided.

Other than that bit of unexpected insanity this morning, I am feeling really great! Eating well feeds the mind and puts me in a better state of being. My eating isn't exactly where I want to to be in the evenings... but improving. I need to plan a "safe" snack to have if my stomach is grumbling at night. Like Veggie Cereal, or a string cheese. Then I won't catch myself reaching for the ol' cheese & carbs!

Have a super weekend, and enjoy the gift you have of one more day to enjoy your life!

Eat 'n' Tweet Challenge

I have really fallen in love with Twitter. I don't really *understand* Twitter, and I probably don't use it for its intended purpose, but then again it is such a great, multipurpose application that this might be just another good use for it. I started using Twitter as a way to update my blog (over on the left side there, you can see what I've been eating and doing each day) without writing a whole blog post. The sidebar updates automatically, so anyone who is interested can see my menus every day and know if I am falling off the wagon, in real time. But you can also follow people on Twitter and read what *they* have to say. Or, even if *no one* follows you or reads your "Tweets," it's a great way to keep track of information. Just post something to Twitter and it is right there on your Twitter home page for you to read later!

I have really enjoyed the accountability of Tweeting *all* of my food intake as well as my exercise. Some folks like to read my menus for healthy meal and snack ideas. And for me, I can just go to the home page and see at a glance everything I have eaten over the last couple of days. It's not as time consuming as calorie counting, but it makes me more aware of what I am putting in my mouth.

So, how about you? Have you Tweeted yet? Twitter is free and easy to use, and has been so helpful to me that I want to throw out this informal challenge. Tweet *everything* you eat for a day. Or a week, if you're more ambitious. Take a good hard look at what you're putting in your mouth. Sometimes, just knowing you'd be posting that you ate 3 candy bars is enough to make you NOT eat them! And sitting down to Tweet after each meal and snack makes you pause and think about what you actually ate. You might notice that you need more veggies, or that you didn't have quite enough protein that day. You can keep track of meal trends and triggers. It's a really great thing!

To join the challenge, go to Twitter.com, sign up, and start Tweeting! Every time you eat something, just type it in and hit send. If you have a blog, you can add your Tweets to your blog page to show up on your blog if you want. This gives even more accountability, because you *know* what you are eating is public! If you don't have a blog, you can just go to the Twitter home page to keep an eye on your eating. And if you post your Twitter username in the comments on this post, I will go and look at what you are eating myself! And maybe other readers will too!

So get on there and tell us what you eat for a day... or a week... or maybe, if you love it as much as I do, you'll make it a habit! And Tweet your exercise, too. Then everyone can see how much hard work you're putting into being fit.

I never thought I'd use or LIKE Twitter. I am not a technology geek. But for this? Oh yeah. Love it.

You can also follow me on Twitter if you like. My username is Lyn2007.

Check it out! Have fun and be accountable, to yourself and others.
**p.s. To add your Tweets to your blog, facebook, or myspace page, go here.

I Can't Control the Future

The other day I was thinking about this tendency I have to believe that something has to have an end point, or a goal, or some sort of measurement to be "perfect" in order to be worthwhile. It's hard to put a finger on this, but let me try and give a couple of examples.

When I think about strength training, or even when I *do* strength train, I feel great. But then I start to think, "What about next month when I go on vacation? I will be driving a lot, visiting a lot, and I probably won't have the time or equipment to weight train. All my efforts will be for nothing if I strength train all week NOW because if I skip weight training for 2 or 3 weeks I will be back to square one." Or, I go even further into the future. "I don't know if lifting weights is sustainable for the next 40 or 50 years. There will be times I am sick or busy. I might get tired of it and stop. I might get too old to be doing this. And then I will stop and all my lifting will have been for nothing."

Just typing it out, I see how ridiculous this is! But this *very* line of thinking has stopped me from strength training on many a day! "Oh well, I can't be perfect forever so why bother?" Nonsense! And it sounds like just an excuse but honestly, until I sat down and tore these thoughts apart and wrote them out like this, I had no idea how ridiculous my reasoning was.

Other examples:
Some days I don't bike because I start thinking that "I won't be able to bike on vacation next month so why bother biking and building up all that endurance and trying to build a habit that I am just going to break in a month anyway?"

Some days I eat cake because "I can't stay away from sweets forever. I don't want to live my entire life never tasting another piece of cake."

Sometimes I don't vacuum the floor because "it just KEEPS getting dirty (go figure) and no matter HOW many times I vacuum it, I am just going to have to vacuum it AGAIN!"

There are even days when I don't clean the kitchen, because "I wash the dishes and they get dirty again. I wipe the counters and they need wiped again tomorrow. I can't see an end to the kitchen cleaning! It is never 'finished'!"

And then, there's the old thought pattern that keeps so many people fat. Quit trying to lose weight because "this will always be a battle, and even if I lose all the weight I am going to have to keep struggling and fighting and exercising and counting calories and there will be no end to it!" So ya stay fat instead.

There's a couple of obviously faulty ideas thrown in here.

1. If there is no end, I can't deal with it. I can't keep doing this forever, so I may as well not do it at all.
2. If I can't do it perfectly/everyday, it isn't worth doing at all.
3. If I'm not sure I will have a perfect track record at this, I may as well have no track record at all.

It's sort of like saying, "If I can't be sure I will get an A, I might as well go for the F."

Maybe I sound like a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe I am, at heart. When my kids were all little, and I was married to their father, I had a really nice, clean, organized home. I was fairly thin, I was happy. I got up every day with my little kids and cared for them. I cooked from scratch yet I always had a very clean kitchen to work in. The floors were mopped, windows cleaned, living room picked up but lived in. Laundry was washed and hung out on the line to dry. I took my little ones with me as I tended our acre of garden, and fed the chickens and my horse and the dogs. I sewed quilts, canned produce from the garden, and milked a goat twice a day for my baby who was intolerant of any other milk (including mine). All that and my kids were happy, my house was clean and welcoming, and I felt fulfilled.

And then came a move to "the city," a divorce, having to go to work, going back to school. My perfect life fell apart and so did my house. As hard as I tried, I could never get all the chores done. With four kids under 8 and no family or husband to help me anymore, I felt stuck. The house went downhill fast. I did the most basic of cleaning, but nothing more felt within my grasp. We lived with baskets of (clean) laundry stacked in the living room, toys and crayons strewn everywhere, beds not made. It was the hardest time of my life, as I worked from sunrise until 2am every day just trying to care for my kids, earn some money, and get good grades so I could better our lives. And that's when the little perfectionist in me got squashed. I *couldn't* get everything done, I didn't have time to weed and mow and water the lawn as often as it needed, I couldn't afford the kinds of food I wanted to cook. Part of me forged on and got that degree and raised the kids. Part of me died and gave up and let the house go and let my body go. The yard got weedy. The house got cluttered and messy. I went from about 180 pounds to 245 pounds in under a year. And part of me really lost hope during that time, even though I eventually did come out on top.

Now I have this looming sense that even if I get on top of things... declutter my house, lose the weight... I won't be able to maintain it forever. Maybe something will happen. Maybe I will end up a single Mom again. Maybe my life will be chaos again, and then my life will turn upside down and I will go back to that state of disorder and regain all the weight. The maybes keep me paralyzed.

But you know what? I can't control the future. I can't do 'forever.' None of us can. All we have is today. In fact, all we have is this very moment. Because in the next moment we could be gone. Everything could change. But what good is life if you live in in fear, or worry, or hesitancy?

Lifting weights JUST FOR TODAY gives me benefits even if I *never* lift weights again. I'll become stronger *for today*, I will feel energized and get more done. I will be proud of myself. I love the feeling I get after a good strength training session! And that makes it worth doing *today.* No strings attached.

Biking helps me feel better *today.* It gets my circulation going, I feel more alive, and it improves the condition of my knees. I do feel amazing after a bike ride, and that makes it worth doing *just today* even if I never do it again.

Vacuuming and washing dishes makes me feel better immediately. Walking around in a clean house just feels better. It is worth the effort *today* because it makes me proud of my home, makes my kids happy, makes me happy. I don't feel like such a sloth when my home is clean. Even if I were to never clean my house again and become one of those crazy cat ladies with boxes of clutter piled to the ceiling, at least cleaning it *today* makes me feel good, TODAY.

Taking charge and losing weight NOW is good for my health NOW. I feel happier and have more energy. I can do more. I am prouder of myself. I can fit into better clothes. Losing weight is the best thing for *me* TODAY because even if ten years from now I regain ALL the weight and die of a heart attack, at least TODAY was good, and healthy, and enjoyable.

Sure, it would be ideal to have a future guaranteed to be filled with lots of weight lifting, biking, an immaculate house and a perfect, slim body, but sometimes we gotta just step back and say, "this is worth doing for today, regardless of the long term outcome." Because we cannot control the future.

So let go of the tomorrow worries, the perfectionism, the silly rationalizations. No matter what tomorrow may bring, do the BEST thing for you TODAY!

p.s. This was a breakthrough post for me. Sometimes I write to sort through the thoughts in my head that have made me and kept me fat. This is a biggie. I feel like a major roadblock has been removed by just recognizing this pattern in myself. I hope it helps someone else as much as it helped me!

Mitigating the Damage

Good morning! Yesterday was a pretty good day (as you can see on the left side of my blog, I posted my menus on Twitter). I need to up the protein and vegetables, still, but I stuck *completely* to my plan until after dinner, when my sugar desperation led me to whip up a pretty strange concoction. I don't keep white sugar in the house at all anymore because I have the urge to bake or make batter so often, but you'd be amazed what you can whip up with an 8-month-old tub of frozen Cool Whip Lite and a dusty can of Eagle milk. I don't buy THAT stuff anymore either....

Regardless, the 3-pound bloat I'd seen on the scale the day before has gone this morning, so that makes me happy. But not happy enough. Today I will add exercise to a good meal plan.

I was lying in bed this morning feeling my fat (you probably know what I mean... sometimes, you just have to run your hands over the fat and get a real sense of what is hanging off your body). I was thinking, gosh. This has to go. But it'll never be the way it was when I was 20...

I think part of my resistance to just pushing through and losing the weight FAST... besides my desire to change my whole attitude so I can KEEP it off... is the realization that at my age, I am going to have some collateral damage to the body for having been morbidly obese. I really did some harm to the ol' skin. It makes me sad and I wish I could go back and tell my 25-year-old, 168-pound self, "Don't let it happen. DO NOT let the weight get out of hand. Do it now before 15 years pass and you've missed out on a huge chunk of life. Your skin will snap back if you lose it now, but lady, you don't want to see what happens when you hit 40 and have weighed near 300 pounds for years." I wish I could've known and avoided the damage I've done. And I wish I could reach through this screen to anyone who is in their teens, twenties or even thirties and say STOP NOW! Do it now! Don't get any fatter! It is SO HARD to be turning 40 and see stuff hanging off your body and know you really can never 'take it back.' Please. Please don't let it happen to you, too. You do not want to be lying in bed 10, 15 years from now and feeling mountains of fat and rolls of skin. You do not want to be utterly COVERED in stretch marks... not the 'normal' kind from giving birth but big, long scars on your thighs and arms and hips that will NEVER go away, from eating too many brownies. It is not worth it! Stop now. If just ONE young person listens to me right now and stops and doesn't let themselves get morbidly obese, this whole blogging thing will have been so worth it. I know if you're young and only "overweight" you don't think it will happen to you. When I hit 199 pounds back in 1994, I was aghast with horror. I never, NEVER wanted to hit 200 pounds, and that motivated me to drop over 35 pounds by walking and counting calories. And I NEVER would have believed you if you'd told me then that I would end up weighing 280 pounds in my 30's. NEVER!!! NOT ME! I was not a "fat chick." I'd just gained a little weigh is all. Oh man, let me tell you. It can happen to anyone. Even you.

And if you're already there with me, you know the pain. But it IS escapable. Of that I am convinced. It takes more work than I've been putting in lately... which is why I lost weight and then stalled, regained some and sort of stopped. It is taking moderate effort for me not to regain back to 278 and beyond, and it takes a LOT of effort for me to lose. I've just not been exercising much... not enough... not really focusing on the weight so much. I HAVE been doing the mental work that I need in order to stop the binge behavior. I think people underestimate the mental/emotional work that has to be done with weight loss. We didn't get this fat because we are emotionally healthy. Food's been a crutch or a cover or a band-aid for SOMETHING. Bad habits got formed. And all that has to change to keep the weight off. You see people come crashing down the scale in record time, sometimes, which is great, but a LOT of people don't keep it off. I think that's because of the "skipped work" while losing. You gotta work on that stuff... whether with a therapist, on a fat farm, with your best friend, or with directed workbooks... or even on your own if you're an insightful, reflective type. But it has to be done. If you ignore it then the issues will surface in some other, unpleasant way.

So anyway after a morning of fat-grappling, I am ready to take on another day. I can't "fix" the body damage, but I can mitigate it. I can repair what CAN be repaired and I can be the healthiest me I can be. Gotta look at the good. I feel so much better now than I did 40 pounds ago, even with the body damage. It IS worth it.

Watch for more updates via Twitter, to see how I am doing real-time. I *will* have a loss for June!

Complacency

Last night, I ate wayyyy too much! Way.

I think I have gotten a little too complacent with my food intake. Not all the time, but what happens is something like this:

I buy strawberries, flax, spinach, and yogurt because I like having smoothies for breakfast.
I get up in the morning intending to have the smoothie.
I go into the kitchen and I think, "boy, I just feel like eggs today. With toast. And sausage. Or pancakes. Or..." and all these carb-laden foods like donuts start dancing in my head.
Of course, I don't have any donuts in the house, and I am not desperate enough to make a "donut run."
I make the eggs and toast and shrug and think, "oh well, it wasn't that bad... eggs can be part of a healthy diet, and the toast was whole wheat, so what if there was butter on it? I will have a healthy lunch."
I bought vegetables and chicken to cook for lunch. I fully intend to have that for lunch. I go into the kitchen to start cooking it, but I really feel like noodles. Cheese. Macaroni and cheese. And Coke. And chips.
Of course, I don't have Coke or chips in the house, and I am not crazy enough to make a Coke run.
I make myself a small dish of macaroni and cheese. I shrug and think, "Oh well, it wasn't so bad... it was whole grain pasta. So what if there was a lot of cheese in it? Cheese can be okay. And the butter wasn't that much. I will have a healthy dinner."
I bought beans and brown rice and veggies for dinner, but when dinnertime rolls around, I want a pizza. With sausage. And pepperoni. And Coke.
Of course, I don't have pizza or Coke in the house, but I have carbs stuck in my head. I make a big sandwich on the french bread I'd bought to make garlic bread for the kids the other day. I eat it with a glass of homemade lemonade. I think "oh well, it was a lot of turkey. Turkey is good for you. And I put avocado on it too, that's good for you. So what if I put mayo on it? And just one glass of lemonade won't hurt."
After dinner, I want ice cream. And candy. I suddenly realize that my entire food intake for the day was one big excuse! I ate a lot more than I needed, nothing I intended to eat, and NO vegetables or fruit, and way too much fat and carbs! Ughhh! How did this happen? May as well have that ice cream, can't hurt now. So I walk to 7-11 for ice cream, eat the whole pint with a bag of M&M's, and think, "at least I walked to the store for it. Tomorrow will be better."

All too often I let my brain get in the way. I stray from my planned meals until I have veggies rotting in the fridge from putting off eating them for days. But the scale tells me, "girl, this is NOT making you any thinner."

I guess because I am pretty happy and mobile for the most part, the weight loss hasn't seemed as urgent. I am able to live, enjoy, do most of what I want to do. But not all. And I'd be kidding myself if I said I would be okay with staying this weight permanently. I wouldn't. So, ya know, onward I go. Learning all this is part of the process. And for the first time in my life, and in many, many weight loss attempts, I have been able to actually KEEP OFF 40 pounds for over a year. Before this blog, I'd lost 35-40 pounds a couple of times but never kept it off more than 2 or 3 months. I am pretty proud of myself for keeping it off. But it isn't *all* I want to do. I want to lose more.

Later today, or tomorrow, I will post (or at least Twitter) what I did today to improve my health and lose weight. Posting my goals for the day is pretty useless unless I do them, so I'll just post what I actually *did,* after the fact. And the results will speak for themselves.

Accomplishing vs. Living

It's been a really good week for me in a lot of ways, and tough in others. Almost every morning, I'd wake up in a great mood: fresh spring air drifting through my bedroom window, birds singing, sunlight filtering in, and the cutest little girl in the world hugging me awake with "good morning, Mom! Let's get up!" Then as I walk into the hallway, our mini-dog comes bounding and wagging and smiling to see me, ever-so-happy I am up. I make my morning tea and relax into awakeness.

There's been a few moments of stress and feeling overwhelmed, such as when the contractor told me that my flooded bathroom would remain gutted for yet ANOTHER week before they even start working on it, or when I was missing my kiddos, or when I realized that my lawn-mowing teenager is gone for the summer, the grass is getting TALL and I better find a younger replacement pronto. I had days of eating healthy and days where I didn't put any planning into my meals and ended up ordering pizza. I got on the bike for 8 minutes one day before jumping off to get other pressing things done. I walked with the kids every day. I did a lot of things.

Every week, and often every day, I sit down in the evening and think about what I have done with my life. Did I get the things done I wanted to accomplish?

I have a planner. It's a non-traditional planner: a cutesy book of empty weeks to fill in, with lots of room for lists. My appointments are in there but I also have a habit of jotting down what I want to accomplish in each day, each week. Anything that I don't get done gets carried over to the next week. And sometimes the list can get really, really long and I have to buckle down and just work through the tasks for a day or two. I hate it when that happens.

When I do my planner, I start with appointments, add in household chores I need to do, then add necessary tasks... so a typical weekday might look like this:
Take kid to drum lessons and pick him up
Take other kid to soccer
Vacuum
Dishes
3 Loads of laundry
Go shopping, drop of mail, pick up prescriptions, take kid for haircut
Pay bills

And then I start adding the "other stuff":
Caulk the sink
Take a walk
Bike
Emails
Plant flowers
Work on photo albums

At the end of a day, I look at what got crossed off, and I feel like I have ACCOMPLISHED something. Each task scratched off is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. And when I get them all done, I have ACCOMPLISHED my goal.

Or have I?

While all this stuff *has* to be done, what good is a life filled with ACCOMPLISHMENTS but devoid of joy, of life? I mean, yeah, I have to scrub the toilet. It ain't fun. But if my whole day... day after day after day... is filled with menial tasks and just working to get all the junk on the list done, is that really the life I want? Even if every day I get every single "action item" done and feel ACCOMPLISHED, am I truly living?

How many days have gone by where you worked and worked and yes, got things done but did *nothing* to bring real joy into your life? I think every Mom has done this on occasion... raced around all day doing chores and tasks, dragging the kids with her, and then after dinner and the kids are in bed you sit down and go, "What the heck happened? I didn't really interact with my kids AT ALL today. I don't think I played with them once." And then you feel kinda sad. Because your babies will grow up and be gone and you'll have missed it.

So I've started trying to be sure I actually *live* each day, in addition to accomplishing things. I might even let some things go on the "to do" list in order to sit down and draw with my daughter or play a game with my son. Maybe putting down the gardening gloves for 10 minutes so I can push my little girl on her swing is the *real* success. At the end of the day, it's nice to have the weeds pulled but it's even nicer to remember the laughter, smiles, and hugs of your children. Or the talk you had with your mother, or the laughs with your friend. Or even the half hour sitting alone, reading a book and sipping tea. Whatever fills you. Living.

But as I've tried to do this more, I've also noticed that the balance can swing too far the other way. If I get up and take my kids to the park every day, then come home and lay around on the couch watching movies and sipping tea, I may be *enjoying* life... I may be living, but by NOT *accomplishing* tasks I am not going to be happy. The LACK of accomplishment will begin to get in the way of the living. I mean, seriously, who wants to walk into a dirty kitchen every morning, then shower in a grimy bathroom and then walk through knee-high weeds to get out to the car each day? You HAVE to do some work. You can't just play, just enjoy every moment. You gotta crack down and work sometimes.

So there's a balance. Did I live this day? Did I embrace it and find happiness? And did I accomplish some important tasks as well?

All of this applies to losing weight, being fit, and having a healthy lifestyle. If your goals for the day include eating healthy, prepping healthy food, and exercising, and you actually DO all that, that's great! But did you live, too? Or did you just go through the motions trying to get to a weight goal that's far off in the distance? Are you missing out on living during the journey because you are trudging through the food and exercise in misery, with your eyes on that distant pinnacle of happiness that you are just SURE is waiting for you when you reach that Magic Number? Don't. It's not like that.

Live. Enjoy. Find a balance. I'm working on this. Some days this week I was like a cheetah going after a gazelle.... whizzing past my kids, racing for that goal. Other days I just dropped everything and played, breathed, lived. I'd like to fine tune my balance so that each day I DO accomplish the important things WHILE taking time to stop and smell the roses (literally. My daughter makes me STOP and SMELL the actual roses everywhere we go!)

I didn't lose weight so far this week, but I'm happy. I feel great right now! But I gotta realize that feeling great at a normal weight would be a lot "greater" than feeling great in the 230's. So the exercise needs to move up on the priority list, right up there with spending time with the kids. And the very best scenario is doing both at the same time! Walking, playing, getting out there moving together. Eating healthy together. LIVING and ACCOMPLISHING, in balance, together.

Have a great weekend! It is what you make it.

Moderated Habits

It's been a busy couple of days, but I am still riding high on my energy and feeling wonderful for the most part. My eating over the weekend wasn't on plan, but I didn't have major guilt over it, either. And I didn't regain the lost weight. But in retrospect I have to ponder WHY I choose the things I do.

I had some stress last week with one of my teenagers who didn't do so well in school last semester. He is a smart kid, but decided to slack regardless of the consequences. And when summer came and it was time for him to go with his father (my first husband), there was quite a bit of drama between him, the high school counselor, and myself regarding whether or not he needed to attend summer school. It did finally get resolved and he went with his Dad along with older brother, but oh the drama was a lot for me to bear. I kept eating healthy, I exercised. Then after I put him on the plane I had an emotional moment.

Standing in the airport parking lot, my little girl turned to me and said, "I feel tears coming in my eyes." I picked her up and hugged her and we shed a few tears there. Gosh it is so hard for ME to have children apart from me for such long periods, but to ask a 3-year-old to bear it is pretty tough. She adores all her brothers and doesn't really "get" that I was married before and they have a different dad. She just wants them with her all the time. So do I. I have rarely had my kids gone from me, as this whole "visitation" thing only came up in the last 2 years. It makes me really sad that I won't be taking all my kids camping on the beach this year like we used to do every summer. Divorce sucks.

I went home. I had this empty ache inside and felt like sitting and crying all morning, and I really wanted to go out for a big ol' country breakfast at a restaurant... eggs, sausage, biscuits n gravy, pancakes with syrup and butter, hash browns, juice, coffee.... yeah, I totally wanted to drown myself in comfort food. I wanted it because WANTING it was a distraction from wanting my boys to come back. And eating it would've filled that "hole" feeling, if only temporarily. But I saw it for what it was, made myself a moderated breakfast of one Kashi whole grain waffle with 1T syrup, 2 small (frozen) sausage patties, and one egg that I scrambled in Pam. I had a small cup of juice with it, too. Pretty good, and I felt better.

I had bought some junk for the weekend. Bad habits are hard to break. I figured I was going to be an unhappy camper with so many people missing from my home. I can't tell you how many times in the past I would go on the Spoiled Child Shopping Trip when I was upset, happy, sad, angry, or bored. I've written about it before: I'd go to a store and buy *anything* and *everything* I saw that I wanted with the full intention of eating ALL of it myself within a day or two. I'd buy a pizza, Coke, chips, cheese, crackers, ice cream, bags of candy, cookies, bakery cupcakes, donuts, a hoagie, sugar cereal... all of it. I'd go salivating to the checkstand with my cart o' glee, and when I got home I'd tear into it like there was no tomorrow. I usually found very little satisfaction in the food itself. It was more of the *idea* that I *could* have whatever I wanted. It was more the HAVING it all. And then I'd feel obligated to eat it all because I bought it, and I wouldn't want to have all that junk sitting around for a week throwing me off my next diet attempt, so I HAD to eat it all immediately.

Oh, those habits are hard to break, but I tell you, they're broken. I am never going to do that again.

I don't binge anymore. Not like that.

Maybe some people would consider what I do "binge eating" on occasion, but I sure don't. I do still occasionally buy a few things that aren't healthy because I want that feeling of indulging myself, but it is SO much more restrained. My cart o' junk this time was: 2 packs of Nathans hot dogs and buns, a 2-liter of Coke, and a bag of Doritos (for a junk dinner with the kids), a small bag of dark chocolate covered macadamia nuts, and a lemon pie. All meant to be shared.

Yeah, I *did* eat junk food this weekend, but I feel okay about that. Having a slice of pie because I am sad about missing my kids is a heck of an improvement over the old days. My habits have been moderated to a point that my very WORST overeating behavior is a mere fraction of what it used to be. I am proud of having accomplished that.

Even when "letting go" and eating what I wanted this weekend, it was nowhere near the old level:

I ate 2 hot dogs, a small handful of Doritos, and a cup of Coke and was *done.* It is no secret that I used to eat 5 hot dogs on buns in ONE sitting, with half a bag of Cheetos and several cans of Coke. And I would do this not once, but twice in one day.

I ate a piece of pie for breakfast one day and felt SO happy. It was such a nice indulgence, it actually felt amazing to sit and enjoy that one piece of pie. I used to eat 3 pieces of pie in a sitting AFTER eating a big breakfast.

My eating was not crazy, out-of-control, and desperate. It used to be. I'd be upset and I'd go into some kind of mentally altered state shoving food into my mouth all day to avoid the emotions. Now, I know I am sad, I know I am having some junk for comfort, and I eat a moderate amount and am satisfied. And then, I work through the actual feelings I used to avoid. I cry them out, or reason with myself, or do something to make it better.

I do get some kind of a drug-like body response to some foods. I can have anxiety about something, eat a piece of pie, and feel calm, comforted, and peaceful. I know there are scientific studies about how certain food combinations affect emotions and hormones, and I believe it. I still turn to food for that effect. But it's moderated. And I think that's huge! Going from massive binge eating to occasional controlled indulgences is no easy task. I am pretty proud of myself.

I know I am not going back to the old binges. Ever. But I also want to get to a point where I don't feel the *need* to use food in this way at all. I'd like to slowly cut it down until I am able to cope, for the most part, by other means. It takes time, but I am getting there!

All the junk's gone today. I spent yesterday washing dishes, mopping, vacuuming and doing laundry. My 3 remaining kids and I sat down to a dinner of low fat turkey Swedish meatballs over whole grain pasta last night and then took a nice walk to the park to play. And today I still feel amazing. Going to make some more Veggie Cereal and steam some asparagus. Here's to another healthy day, and another step closer to reaching my goals!

Doing Great!

Today is going well for me! I woke up with PMS screaming in the background, feeling teary and bloated, but determined to hang in there and add another good, healthy day to the string. I am pretty hormone-sensitive, and thankfully the whole PMS thing was over by noon (after 3 or 4 days of it) and I am feeling great again!

This morning after a breakfast of Chai tea and a Kashi waffle topped with natural almond butter and fresh blueberries, I went to the Farmer's Market. It's still early in the year for a lot of produce, but I did manage to get a few things: strawberries, beets with nice fresh greens still attached, a jug of locally pressed fresh apple cider, some local honey, and rainbow chard. And I had 2 fresh fruit smoothie samples at the market too... yummy! I came home and had some Veggie Cereal with almond milk, a handful of fresh strawberries and a small glass of cider. I think I will make myself a salad with leftover chicken fajitas on top, too. I feel the need for some protein.

This morning I stepped on the scale, even though I felt terribly bloated with PMS. Scale said 237. Another pound gone!

I already did quite a bit of walking today, but plan to get on the bike later this afternoon as well.

Have a great weekend!

Thinking Is Not Doing

Awhile back, I made a note to myself, as I often do when something occurs to me that I want to ponder later. The note says, "When I think about food, I feel like a failure." Ouch.

It's true, and never more vividly true to me than yesterday. I ate a totally healthy, appropriate, veggie-filled meal plan all day yesterday with no slip ups (as you know if you saw my meals on Twitter). It was the best eating day I have had in awhile... moderate in calories, rich in nutrition, and sure to lead to a downward weight trend if repeated often enough. I was flying high!

After my healthy dinner, I started getting huge cravings for junk. At first it was just bread. Nice soft whole wheat bread with just a smear of real butter couldn't hurt, could it? I was making one for my daughter and it smelled divine. But I didn't eat one, because I knew it would lead to wanting more, and I wanted to be done for the day. Then I wanted ice cream. I wanted to walk to 7-11 and get an ice cream bar so bad, but instead we walked to the park to play. At the park, I felt unhappy. I felt like I was "off plan." In fact, I felt like I had EATEN the bread and ice cream. Disappointed in myself. I sat moping in the grass while my kids played. When I got home, I was still having major cravings. I briefly considered making some kind of pumpkin dessert or mixing cocoa with butter and brown sugar and pretending it was brownie batter and eating it straight from the bowl, but I dismissed that idea rather quickly. Then I wanted a heaping bowl of cereal with honey drizzled all over it. Or two bowls. Instead I had another bowl of ultra-healthy Veggie Cereal (and was probably better off from eating that than if I hadn't eaten it! More low cal, nutritious veggies.) The cravings pretty much went away but I still felt really bummed out.

I sat and thought about it and that sentence from the note from a long time ago came back to me: when I *think* about food, I feel like a failure. Bingo! It's true! My brain somehow takes the cravings and the desires and the *thinking* about eating a lot and turns it into an *event.* I actually get discouraged and think, "well I am not doing so good anyway, I may as well eat some cookies too." Weird!

It's happened before. I noticed it when I would have one of those days when I feel obsessed with food. It's not like that ALL the time, but some days, it's a real battle to get all the wrong foods out of my head. And I would get to afternoon and think, "Oh my gosh, I have eaten SO much today and screwed everything up and there is NO WAY to salvage this day into a good day, so I may as well order pizza and breadsticks and chicken wings and then go to Baskin Robbins for an ice cream after dinner and then I will start again tomorrow." But on this journey, I usually count calories. And wisely, sometimes, on days like that, I tell myself I need to sit down and log my calories and SEE how I am doing. Often, I'd sit down ready to see some horrendous number of calories I have consumed for the day and be stunned to see some reasonable number like 800 or 1000 (pre-dinner). And then I'd go, "Huh. I thought I ate way more than that, but I guess I just *thought* about food way more than that."

It's ultra important to me to change old habits and thought patterns into ones more conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Aside from the mistaken labeling of self as "failure" because of ANYTHING one eats (because that's kinda ridiculous IMO and a whole new topic for another post), the confusion of fantasy and reality is a problem. Because if you base your feelings about yourself AND your future actions on a false belief, you'll get stuck in a crazy cycle of eating healthy -> thinking of junk food -> feeling guilty -> *really* eating junk -> feeling worse -> not trying anymore. And we don't want that.

I've spent a lot of time examining my thoughts and feelings as I change my life, and this one is, I think, a breakthrough. In the case of any detrimental behavior, you can stop the cycle by changing just one reaction... one link... in the chain. For example in this case I could stop the cycle by not thinking about junk food... maybe by distracting myself or keeping busy. I think I have finally broken the chain in another way, though. I stopped the cycle at the "feeling guilty" stage, because now that I am *aware* of that silly reaction, I've changed it.

Thoughts before:
I feel like a failure. I probably ate way too much today. I may as well go get some candy bars and start again tomorrow. I feel like crap.

Thoughts now:
I feel like a failure, but I know I actually ate really healthy today. Look at all the vegetables and fruits I ate. And I stayed within my calorie level, too. It's not a sin to think about indulging. Thinking about cake won't make me fat. Thoughts have no calories. I had a successful day! I am proud of myself for not giving in to cravings. I am a good person regardless of what I eat, and I am also a fit person FOR THIS DAY because I ate healthy, and I exercised. I am on the right path to weight loss and I am so glad!

Those thoughts will lead to actions.

Actions before:
Eat a load of junk and go to bed disgusted with myself.

Actions now:
Have a pleasant, relaxing evening, brush my teeth, get to bed early and feel happy that I am one day closer to reaching my fitness goals.

We have to remember that it's ACTIONS that change our lives, not thoughts. Thoughts are nice... they are great. And they can *lead* to actions. But in and of itself, a thought is not an action. Thinking of eating a pizza won't make you fat, anymore than thinking of jogging 5 miles will help you lose weight. Doing is the key.

Just for one day, get outside your head. Pay attention to what you are actually *doing.* Did you sit on the couch all day thinking about exercising, considering taking a walk, eating bon bons while thinking you should be eating a salad? Well, erase the thoughts and just look at the actions. Say it. "I sat on the couch all day eating bon bons." The thoughts don't really count. Not on your body, anyway.

Take today, and just DO. Do something good. You'll be happier when you go to bed tonight! Today is all you really have to work with.

Yum

Today, I tried something new. Homemade, raw, "Veggie Cereal." Yeah, I know you're going "WHAT?" just like I was when I read this recipe on MckMama's blog. But it sounded so healthy, I was intrigued. Today I tried it, and I think it's blog-worthy. I even took a picture, which I will add later when I get it off my camera. So the next time you are feeling hungry, munchy, or like you need more veggies, try this!

Veggie Cereal

3 T raw pecans
3 peeled baby carrots
1/2 c. raw cauliflower
1/2 c. raw broccoli
1 large apple, cored, peeled
cinnamon

Put the nuts and carrots in a food processor and pulse until they are in small pieces. Add the cauliflower, broccoli, and apple (I cut these in chunks) and pulse until the size of couscous. (For those of you who are not into couscous, it's like a half grain of rice or so).

The original recipe says to scoop some into a bowl and top with cinnamon and almond milk and eat like cereal. I mixed cinnamon into mine first, and I used vanilla (sweetened) almond milk because I am a wuss about trying a Veggie Cereal with plain almond milk. It was really good!! It's crunchy and a bit sweet and apple-y. She says your kids won't even know what they are eating, but my kids knew really fast. "What are those green things mom??? THAT'S BROCCOLI!!!!" and "Hey aren't those orange things carrots?? Mom is this cereal made of VEGETABLES??" They were good sports and tried it but my daughter hauled butt to the nearest trash can to spit it out before she gagged up her entire lunch, and my veggie-loving son turned it down after a taste. He just likes his veggies straight, I guess. But anyway my point is that this is really yummy to ME, but if you think you're going to trick any kid over the age of 3 into thinking this is "cereal," don't bank on it.

Still, I enjoyed it a LOT and I am going to be making this often!

The original recipe can be seen here.

I'm doing great with my eating, updating on Twitter, and feeling amazing :)

Riding the Wave

Today feels like the beginning of something big. I'm not sure *exactly* why I feel so energized and refreshed, but I have a few hints. No matter the whys, though, I will ride the big wave as long as I can. That's a key to moving along in my journey... sensing the times when there is the momentum to carry me forward, and jumping up there on my surfboard to ride that wave as far as it will take me. I'm sure you know what I mean. Because if you *have* that burst of brightness, hope, and energy and just ignore it and sit around eating chips and watching TV, it makes this kind of journey a *lot* harder.

So up on the wave I go, onto the bike, walking, lifting weights, diving headfirst into the berries and asparagus and salad and salmon. I *love* it when I feel so "on," and I enjoy it. I know something will bring me crashing down off my high eventually... PMS, illness, bad news, circumstance... and then I'll have to really push myself harder to do the work to lose the weight. But right now boy it feels easy! And that's an amazing feeling.

New developments this weekend: my eye infection is awful. I hate it. I wake up with itchy sore eyes, I have a headache a lot, I can't wear my contacts so I am walking around in clunky glasses, and my vision is slightly affected. I am religiously using the drops and hoping a few more days will clear this up. And tomorrow, my husband is leaving again for a month. This was rather sudden but mostly based on a medical crisis his mother is having so he is going to be there with his family for some critical surgery she's going to have. Which gives me 4 weeks of NO sodas in the house, NO tubs of macaroni salad and packages of salami to deal with, NO piles of stuff all over and around my recumbent bike. I have to say (without giving a critique of the relationship) that the more I try to be fit, the more I see that yes, he is very resistant to my weight loss. I didn't really think so before, because in words he is supportive. But when I moved my bike to the living room, within 24 hours it was literally COVERED with stacks and piles of his stuff: papers, books, hats, pens, you name it. I'd just move the piles off it, put them on his recliner and bike anyway, and then the next day the stuff would be back... AND there would be boxes, files, and even a footstool all stacked AROUND my bike like a 2-foot barricade to my riding. It's not like the living room is tiny; there's plenty of room for that stuff in other places. So for me, seeing all this junk on and around my bike repeatedly is absolute proof that he does not support my biking. I don't know why, as he denies it, but as I have said before, that is *his* problem, and as long as he is not physically standing over the bike preventing me from riding, I am very well able to just keep moving the junk and biking anyway. But, as I said, I get 4 weeks FREE of this nonsense, and you can bet I am going to enjoy it!

Summer is almost here and the kids get out of school this week. I can't help but remember last summer and how much fitter I was. I was thinking about that yesterday, as I sat at the park and watched my kids playing. Because of my decreased fitness level and increased weight over last year, I don't have quite as much stamina and joy in life. I miss that. I remember hiking last summer with my kids. It was so fulfilling. I felt on top of the world! I want to be able to hike like that again. I know what it takes. I am working on it.

And now I am off to ride my bike, eat, shower, and go to my "female" exam appointment to check up and make sure I do not have anymore scary issues that require biopsy or surgery. Cross your fingers for me! I really need a clean bill of health this time.

Have a great day... and ride that wave!

Assumptions

After a week of sore, red, scratchy eyes and no relief, this morning I decided I'd better go to the walk-in clinic and try to get some eye drops. I walked in, waited an hour, and got shuffled to a room.

"What are you here for?" asked the nurse, and then the doctor. "Eye infection," I said, because my daughter had already been diagnosed and cured by antibiotic drops. They looked at my eyes, told me not to wear contacts for a week, and said I should use the eye drops four times a day. Then I had to sit and wait for the printed "doctor's orders."

When I got the sheet, the diagnosis was conjunctivitis (eye infection). The instructions were there telling me how often to use the drops and not to wear contacts, but there were two more curious, handwritten notes as well:

"Increase water consumption to 8 glasses per day."

"Start walking 30 minutes per day."

Interesting. There had been no discussion about my weight, my activity level, or even my general health (except when asked if I felt I was healthy in general, I said yes.) Neither the doctor nor the nurse asked me how much water I drink or whether I am active. I have to wonder if the recommendations were a way of giving a fat chick some "tips" to get into better shape. Maybe...

I am not dehydrated, that's for sure. I already drink about 12 glasses of water per day. So it's interesting that they assumed I am drinking less than 8.

I already bike 30 minutes most days. And on top of the biking I often walk a mile, too. Granted, it was sporadic last month. But how would they know that without asking? How do they know I am not already walking 3 miles a day or doing step aerobics or lifting weights (which I also do)? They don't. They didn't ask. I guess they assumed because of my weight that I am sedentary and need to start doing SOMETHING.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not upset whatsoever. I liked the nurse and the doctor. I think it is great to make health suggestions to the obese. Maybe they were trying to avoid making me feel uncomfortable by addressing my weight. After all, when the automatic blood pressure cuff barely fit around my arm, and the machine refused to give a reading, the nurse just said, "oh, that machine doesn't do so well with certain.... (cue nervous glance at my thigh-sized upper arm)... situations."

I know they mean well. I just find it interesting that *because* I am fat, it was assumed that I am not drinking enough water and not walking or doing other activity for 30 minutes a day. Why not ask? I know women who are my size and bigger who are far, far more active than women half our size. Being fat doesn't necessarily mean we aren't doing ANYTHING.

And since they never asked about my weight, they didn't know that I have *lost* a significant amount of weight, and that I probably eat more vegetables in a day than they do in a week. How would they know if I used to be 350 pounds and got down to 238 by working out for 2 hours a day? Eh, people look at a woman weighing 238 pounds and they just see fat. Maybe even lazy. They don't stop to think that maybe that person has a lot of healthy habits and is proud of how much weight they've lost. People just assume.

So I came home and put in my eyes drops, drank my 10th glass of water so far today, and biked for 30 minutes. I walked my daughter to the park and will probably walk a mile later this evening. I feel great about what I am doing and who I am. People might see me walking down the street and think "wow she is huge" or they might think "wow she is out walking a lot!" But what they think doesn't change who I am and what I am doing. The fit girl is out, and soon when people look at me that is who they will see. Not the fat chick, not the chick who needs to drink more water, not the sedentary chick. The fit, strong, healthy chick!

**For a really great post about this topic, read this one on one of my very favorite blogs:
Marshmallow's Doctor Appointment

Obstacles

I am typing with the hum of 3 large heated fans running in the background, drying out the flooring, ceiling, and wooden beams in between in our 2 bathrooms that were flooded by my lovely daughter a few days ago. The fans are making the house HOT even with the A/C running in 90 degree weather, but I managed to bike for 25 minutes last night and it felt great! I had the resistance turned way down to 4 because I was so hot, but I hung in there and got it done. And while I am not terribly fond of seeing a bike in the living room, my health has to come first. When people come to visit, hopefully they will see the bike as a sign of a healthy lifestyle and not an interior decorating faux pas.

Moving the bike cleared the way for the other project on the burner: setting up the weight machines. I have run into obstacles for every healthy step I try to take. When I started walking again and asked my husband to watch our 3-year-old, I only got halfway down the block and stopped because she was screaming bloody murder out the front window and her distraught crying was echoing throughout our quiet neighborhood, so after listening for 10 minutes, I went back home. When I decided to set up the "home gym" area in the family room, I got resistance because that would mean getting rid of my kids' (old, cheap, huge) air hockey table. When I decided to move the bike upstairs to make biking extra-convenient and to make room downstairs for the weights, my husband told me no, because it would interfere with his TV-watching. When I walked into the kitchen to look for something healthy to eat, I saw what he had bought on his shopping spree: a vat of macaroni salad, a huge block of my favorite binge-cheese, regular mayo, bologna. The asparagus I had chopped and steamed for my omelet was gone, tossed with butter and salt and eaten by the husband.

But I made it work anyway, because obstacles are meant to be overcome. When you see a hurdle in your path, you go around it or jump over it or pick it up and move it out of your way. You don't just stand there staring at the hurdle and give up on getting to your destination.

The difference between a whiny complainy rant and a victorious accounting is the response to the obstacles. The options are:

A) Because of all these things conspiring against me, I ate a bowl of ice cream. I give up! I can't go for walks because my husband won't take care of the toddler. I can't set up my weights because my kids don't want to get rid of the air hockey table and they will be mad if I sell it. I can't bike because he won't let me move the bike upstairs. There is all this tempting food in the kitchen so I can't possibly eat healthy. No one will support me. This is too hard. I am just meant to stay fat. Nothing I do is working. I will never get there. (cue drowning self in vat of macaroni salad).

or...

B) I came home from my half-block walk, comforted my child, hauled out the stroller, and took her with me, walking for a mile. I moved my bike upstairs *anyway* and just moved furniture around to accommodate the husband's TV-watching desires while getting my fitness needs met. When I moved the bike upstairs it made space for the weight machine that has been gathering dust in the garage for 7 or 8 years, so now we can keep the air hockey table AND set up the weights. I looked at the macaroni salad and cheese and other stuff and decided they are poison to me and I won't even consider a taste of them, and I made new steamed vegetables to eat... in very large quantities to accommodate anyone else who would like some.

Which response do you prefer?

Notice that the "A" response is full of can'ts. And can'ts really just translate to wont's. If you think you can't clear the hurdle, you won't even try. You'll go home and whine in your pudding cups. But the "B" response is full of not just "cans," but WILLS. And where you have a will, you have action. And in this case, those actions have led to a healthier me.

I am down a pound, which is at least a step in the right direction. I have more energy and feel more determination that I have in awhile. I know it would be nice to have the full support of my family, but when that isn't happening I have to accept that I am the master of my actions and my life. I can't control everything, but I can certainly control my food intake and exercise. Just had to clear some hurdles.

The bathrooms will get dried out, and things will be back to normal sometime next week, but in the meanwhile, you'll find me biking away in my living room with the ceiling fan on. It can be done.

I'm Biking Anyway!

I'm really unhappy right now. I got up this morning ready to take on the day. Had my tea, had planned a healthy breakfast and a mile walk afterward. And then I heard water running. A lot of water. Turns out my little princess thought it would be fun to plug the bathroom sink and leave the water running and shut the door. A half hour later, I was sopping up gallons of water from the floor, taking everything out of the bathroom vanity because all of it is soaked, and trying to figure out what to do about the "rain" falling through the ceiling through the lights and fan in the bathroom directly underneath me.

After cleaning up the best I could, I had to call around to water damage services and try to figure out what to do next. Back in 1998, we had a similar unfortunate incident with the toilet in that bathroom, and since we didn't get the floor and wood structure dried correctly, we ended up having to replace floors and ceilings that were rotting and covered in black mold. Want to prevent that this time.

So a guy is coming out to look at it, and bringing a drying machine of some sort. I haven't eaten yet, it got too hot to walk already, and I am developing a headache.

Yesterday my husband spent the day laid out and vomiting. I took my daughter out for the day in the hopes we will NOT catch it, but then came home and had to clean up vomit splatter from all over the bathroom. This did not make me happy either, and I didn't get to walk or bike yesterday.

I am tired of letting *life* get in the way of my exercise. I can't let days run together thinking I will bike *tomorrow* because some new drama is always happening and then I never get to exercise. So today I will just have to suck it up and bike with my child in the room watching TV or something, and maybe get in a walk after she goes to sleep and one of my sons can be home in case she wakes up. But I *am* going to exercise today. Missing one day a week is fine... a day of rest... but two is not acceptable. I won't let it happen.

Watch for my exercise update on Twitter!

June 1, 2009: 239 Pounds

I always post my weight on the first of the month, for tracking purposes. But it also serves as a checkpoint for me. I look at the sidebar where I have my weight listed by month, and I do a little mental assessment. Hmmm, I gained 9 pounds this month. Not exactly what I would like to see...

I'm not surprised, though. It was a pretty tough month for me. But like I've said before, it seems like I have a lot of tough months. Too much *stuff* going on and too much eating for comfort or eating junk because I am "busy" or skipping exercise because I "don't have time." Excuses...

But I feel so awesome today! I feel terrific. Maybe because I have started exercising daily again, or because I am eating more produce. Maybe because my little preschool houseguest who lived with us in May has gone home, or because my daughter's medical issues have gone to the background, or maybe it's just the lovely weather, but even though I saw 239 on the scale this morning I am happy! Yes, I want to lose weight this month, but you know what? Life passes by so fast. I won't live in a misery of self-hate *until* I reach my health and fitness goals; no one should! Did you know you can be happy and energetic and loving life even when your weight loss isn't going the way you'd like it to? You can. You should.

That's not passive acceptance of the gain. In fact, being happy and feeling great is a motivator to take better care of myself. And it builds and builds... I bike, I feel great, so I fix a healthy meal. Then I feel energized so I have an active day with my kids. I am happy at the end of the day so I make another healthy meal. I had such a good day that I want to care for myself so I go to bed early. I wake up refreshed and want to bike. And so goes the cycle, and a healthier, happier life ensues.

I just gotta cut the iced mochas out of the middle of the day, and quit eating junky meals "once in awhile."

I'm no weight loss guru. People seemed to think I was when I was down 60 pounds in a relatively short time without any "diet" aids. I got a lot of emails asking me for my secret, saying "oh I wish I had your motivation" or "I just don't have your willpower." Well guess what. I am just the same as you. Life, struggles, good times, bad times. Now I get emails chastising me for not working hard enough, being too lazy, eating too much, not losing weight fast enough. But the thing is, I am the same person. And when my weight starts dropping dramatically again, I will start getting those old emails again asking me how I managed to do it and wishing they were more like me. And I share with those people what I am doing, but it isn't a magic plan. It's just life, and sometimes what I am doing makes me lose weight, and other times it doesn't. I'm the same person, not a hero, not a failure.

I'm pretty convinced there are a lot of miserable people out there crying out for help. They don't know HOW to "make it happen" and are willing to buy any magic plan/pill/cookie to melt off the fat without making major life changes. So they do what I used to do: look around the web for answers, and email people who are losing weight to find out the where they got their golden ticket. I just want to give them some hope. There is no magic ticket. It's all within you.

And it's within me. I'm working it out... day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Solving a lot of the mental issues and traps that used to make me binge. Pushing myself to hang onto healthy habits. Getting up when I slip and fall. Never giving up, no matter what.

Oh I will get there, and it won't be because I starve myself or take a pill or drink a diet shake. I am not here to show you how to drop pounds in record time. I'm here to share my journey, no matter how long it takes. And when I do finally reach my weight and fitness goals will I be a diet guru? I don't think so. We all have our own journey, judged only by ourselves.

And now, I am going to bike!