April 1, 2009: 227 Pounds

How about that? I officially managed to lose *two pounds* this month. It might not seem like much, but if you've been following, I GAINED eleven pounds the first week of March. So, in fact, I had to work pretty hard, change my plan completely, give up sugar and white flour 100% (which I have succeeded in doing so far) and walking a mile every day to lose that eleven pounds I gained *before* I could tackle those two new pounds. And for me, a total loss of 13 pounds in the final 3 weeks of March makes me very happy!

Tonight I am writing from a hotel about 3 hours from my home. I made the trip this morning with my children; my youngest son has a doctor's appointment here, and it's spring break for my kids, so we are staying at a pretty cool hotel with an indoor water park. We've always had to make semi-frequent trips for three of my children who have chronic medical conditions, so I made it a habit early on to stop and do something fun as a family when we make these trips. Sometimes it's a few hours at a zoo or aquarium; other times, we hit a museum or just stop and play at a nice park. This time, we are having a ball swimming, sliding, and playing together. It makes the medical stuff less stressful.

On the way here, I was driving along listening to my children yapping away in the back. There was music and lots of laughing. At one point I was moved to tears of joy just hearing their happy voices and laughter, and I thought, "There is nothing more wonderful than the sounds of a car full of content, happy children. How blessed am I?"

Maybe sometimes it seems like I am hyper-focused on weight. It might sound like that is the be-all and end-all of my existence, the way I write sometimes. But that's so not true. The weight loss is not FOR *weight loss.* The weight loss is FOR my children. It's for the *content* of my life to be richer. How much joy is there is sitting on the sofa, stuffing your face with Cheetos while your kids play video games in another room? None. NONE! I am losing this weight for my LIFE. I am losing this weight so I can swim with my children. I went down a TUBE water slide with my daughter today! I have never gone down a tube water slide... or, in fact, ANY water slide... in my LIFE. And 2 years ago, I darn well would've gotten stuck in there had I tried! But today, I got in that little tube (made for the smaller kids, but she was scared to go alone) and I slid down, not once, but twice, with my little girl on my lap. What joy! How wonderful. And I walked all around the water park without problems. I went up and down several flights of stairs with my kids several times. I FIT IN THE BOOTH at the restaurant. I enjoyed every living, breathing moment instead of being a spectator to my children's existence. THAT is why I am losing weight, and THAT is where my focus is.

I have not seen 221 pounds since last August. I'd like to get there this month, and I'll do my best. But if not this month, then the next, because I am never giving up, not on me, not on weight loss, and not on my life.

Food for today:
Breakfast at home before leaving: Chai tea, Egg Beaters scrambled with mushrooms and 1 low fat turkey sausage, green tea.
Snack on the road: sugar free vanilla iced coffee, a few cashews
Lunch on the road: choices were limited on this route. We had several fast food choices or ONE sit down choice. We went sit-down, and I had a chef's salad: romaine, tomatoes, hard boiled egg (I ate the white only), grilled chicken, bacon (I only ate a bit of this), ham (I ate about 1/4 of it), shredded cheese (I left most of this), black olives, and Ranch on the side (I dipped my fork in this and used about 1T)
Snack in the hotel room: a handful of cashews and almonds. No pistachios due to the recall, darnit.
Dinner at the hotel: this was pretty limited too, so I got another salad: romaine, red onions, mushrooms, green peppers, black olives, tomatoes, and grilled chicken with a packet of ranch. My kids got a pizza, and I ate a few sausages off the top of a slice. Sooo good!

A really enjoyable day. And more to come!

FREE Eating Disorder Lessons for Your Little Girl

Yes, it's true! Thank you CBS for broadcasting FREE eating disorder lessons for our little girls on Saturday mornings, in the form of the show "Horseland" during the "Kewlopolis" block of cartoons for children (because, of course, it is so "kewl" to have an eating disorder).

According to the TV Parental Guidelines, this show is rated Y7... for kids ages 7 and up. So yes, even your 7-year-old is ripe and ready for some body-hate lessons on the weekends! So turn on your TV, because we *all* want our daughters to look like this:


All nice and thin, with sticks for thighs and waists 1/5th the size of their heads. Gorgeous little things, aren't they? Anyway, the lesson doesn't end with the visual assault of anorexic-looking "cool" pre-teen girls (which we all want for role models for our young, grade-school and pre-teen daughters, the set this show is aimed at). No. You get actual lessons in anorexia from the talking horses on this show!

A couple of weeks ago I was channel surfing and came across this cute show about pretty horsies. I am not really into pretty horsies like I was when I was 9, so I was about to change the channel, when I heard this come out of the mouth of a perky little cat on the show, who was swishing her tail and holding her head high in pride: "Cats are naturally slim!" I paused to listen, as the animals on the show looked over one of the horses, and the judgement started.

"Looks like you've put on a few pounds," they say to the horse. "We'll have you back in shape in no time." And one of the animals replies, "She already has a shape: round!" They all laugh.

The embarrassed horse, by the way, looks no fatter than any of the other horses. But the taunting continues. As she is training to jump the hurdles, the skinny girls get in some weight-related jabs: "I hope her belly doesn't hit the bar when she goes over!" Then the girls all laugh at the horse. (Yes, your child gets NOT ONLY a lesson in eating disorders, but ALSO a lesson in how to taunt and make fun of someone who is fat!) The out-of-shape horse IS struggling to get over the bars a bit. "Those bars must have gotten higher," she exclaims, panting, after trying to jump them. But her cute horsie friends just reply, "maybe you've just gotten wider. Once you lose a few pounds you shouldn't have any problems. Or you could just use the extra weight to plow through all the obstacles." (Cue horsie laughter).

What do you think so far? Good lesson? It gets better.

How To Become Anorexic, as taught by the cute horsies:

Back in the barn, the tired, "fat" horse says, "I'm really looking forward to dinner tonight." But the skinny girl has decided to cut back on her oats to help her lose the weight she gained. This makes the horse even more miserable, as she complains, "It wasn't my fault.. how come I have to be the one to suffer? Everyone's making such a big deal about a few extra pounds." At bedtime, she is so hungry that she can't sleep. Looking rather depressed, she sneaks out of the barn for a midnight snack. "Besides", she says, "everybody already thinks I'm fat. What's the use of denying myself a little nibble?"

In the morning, our "fat" horse tries to run and jump with the other horses, but she can't run as fast as they can, and she is afraid to try jumping the river. Time for a little taunting from the other girls and horses: "Maybe she could float over! She's as big as a balloon!" Insulted, the horse tries to jump the river, but doesn't make it. She falls in, and everyone laughs at her.

Later, when the other horses are eating, the skinny girl/owner says to her "fat" horse, "I don't know whats wrong with you! You can't do anything right lately. You're making me look bad!" She walks away. Dismayed, the horse says to herself, "It's all my fault because of all this extra weight. I've got to stop eating so much. No, I've got to stop eating, period!" The horse dumps her food on the ground, eating nothing. "I've got to lose this weight fast and make her proud of me again."

The next day, our anorexic horsie is licking the grass to pretend she is eating. "I've got too many pounds to lose," she tells herself. "The grass sure does look yummy. No! I'm not going to do it! I've got to think of something to take my mind off food."

The other horses notice that she is not eating, and tell her she should eat some healthy food, like grass. But she is not persuaded. "You just want me to be out of shape and fat so you can win!" she runs off. Suddenly the other horses have a bit of sense come into their heads. One of them says to the others, "She's sensitive because she feels overweight and out of shape. Encourage her instead of teasing her." Gee, ya think?

After a day of running around, our anorexic horse is looking bad. She says she is "so tired and hungry," but when the skinnygirl brings her grain for dinner in the barn, she knocks it on the floor and buries it in dirt and hay. She doesn't eat at all. "I don't want to regain the weight I lost with all that running." She looks into a bucket of water, and sees her reflection, distorted, looking fat and ugly. For days, she runs and runs, dumps her food each night and hides it. The other horses are worried about her, and try to convince her to stop, but she thinks they are just jealous that she is "getting back in shape." She calls herself an "out of shape butterball." (Yes, with this show you even get FREE new vocabulary for your child to use on herself or any friend who gains weight).

Finally, all her hard work pays off! She is thin again! The praise begins, as her skinnygirl owner saddles her up for a race and notices that the saddle fits her again. "Pepper! You're your normal self again!" she says. She gives her a treat for being thin... a carrot... but the horse refuses to eat it. But that's okay. She gets lots of praise for being thin again.

They get ready for the racing tryout for the State Finals. "I want you to look beautiful when we cross the finish line," her owner says, brushing her mane. But her hair is falling out. Later, the horse stumbles, but says, "I'm not some roly-poly pushover anymore. I'm a mean lean racing machine!" (Yes, because we all know that people who do not race are roly-poly. They are butterballs. They are pushovers. Remember that, little girls!) But oddly enough, our pretty horsie has no energy. She is breathing hard and she can't finish the race. She collapses in a heap. "I'm really tired and hungry. I haven't eaten very much lately. I just wanted to lose weight. I didn't want you to make fun of me for being fat anymore." (Is this supposed to be a lesson in compassion, hidden within the intense focus on thinness and name calling?) "We didn't mean it," say the other horses, "we were JUST teasing."

Later, the girls find apples and carrots buried in the hay and realize the horse was not eating. They take the blame, because of course, the horse got "fat" from the girl not exercising her enough.

Now we are at the end of the show. Just one more lesson for your little girl.

A fat pig is wallowing in the mud, and the Naturally Slim Cat tells the pig that she should exercise a little more. The pig says, "there's a right size and shape for everyone!" (Finally! A bit of body acceptance, perhaps?) The pig continues, "Imagine if I were as slim as you!" The Cat asks, "And what would be wrong with that?" Pig replies, "I wouldn't look like my beautiful, round, piggy self anymore!"

(Yes, of course! Because if a chubby girl is watching this show, now she feels all sorts of love for her beautiful, ROUND, PIGGY SELF.)

Yep. It's a real show, and yes, I sat here watching it and taking notes so I could accurately quote what is being taught to children all over America. What do you think?

On a final note, (as I thought this would be the end of the post), I did think that this surely must be an isolated Eating Disorder Lesson, even though the show is all about ultra thin popular girls and their horses... all about looks and "beauty." But just last weekend, I surfed into this show one more time. After five minutes, I was done.

Fat piggy says: "Breakfast is my favorite time of day, next to lunch and dinner and midnight snack!" He is eating with gusto, his face covered in slop. A skinny girl comes by and mentions that she is going to start giving the pig a new food, with less fat, and filled with nutrients. The pig, hearing this, is distraught. "Why!! WHY oh WHY!" he sobs. "Nothing can be as good as THIS!", he exclaims, as he continues to lick the empty trough. (Because we all know that pigs are the ones obsessed with food and eating.)

I turned it off.

Thanks, CBS, for helping us bring up a whole new generation of anorexics and bulimics, and giving the other kids ammo to fuel their pain.

Sunday News

Just a little note to say, my school meeting for my son went very well, and I got everything I asked for. I just had to repeat myself 20 times and then they got it :) (Yet another place where tenacity pays off. It's not just for weight loss!) I also took one of my kids to a birthday party this weekend, where food abounded, but I did not partake. I had a bottle of water.

Today:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk & 1 tsp agave nectar, large omelet made with lots of Crimini mushrooms, organic baby spinach, Virginia ham, light Colby jack cheese, and Egg Beaters, and a cup of mandarin orange green tea.

Lunch: 4 oz grilled chicken with a bit of mayo, lettuce, and tomato slices, and a sugar free iced hazelnut latte.

Snack: low fat yogurt with almonds. I am getting a little hungry now so I will probably have a string cheese, maybe a pickle, maybe some more almonds, and some water.

Dinner will be roasted chicken (I'll have a breast) with lots of veggies. I'll probably steam some asparagus and roast some broccoli with garlic, too. I will make some mashed potatoes for the rest of the family but I'm not having any of those.

If I want a snack later, I'll have something light.

I already walked a mile outside and probably a good 1/2 to 3/4 mile at the mall today.

Doing great and enjoying freedom from the binge monster!

Road Blocks

Recently, I've noticed something about myself that I never saw before. In the past, I had a habit of eating to soothe my feelings. That's no revelation. When I'd get angry, upset, lonely, or sad... or have any kind of stress... I'd turn to food for comfort. Somehow, a candy bar (or 3) or a bag of nice, crunchy chips and a Coke made me feel better and made life easier. We all see where that got me. I also binged when I was *really* stressed or had any kind of overwhelming emotions. I already knew all of this.

The thing I have just recently noticed is that if I *think* there is something upsetting or stressful coming up in the future, I have a tendency to get a head start on my eating for comfort, days or even a week in advance of the anticipated event. Let me give you some examples.

Several days before my husband shows up or leaves, I'd binge. I'd pace around nervously and eat too much. This might go on for 3 or 4 or more days *ahead* of his actual arrival or departure.

A week before my daughter has a possibly painful or stressful doctor's appointment, I start getting the urge to binge and eat for comfort.

If I have an appointment coming up that I am dreading, I eat badly for days in advance because I am worried about it.

Even when the "event" is not certain, but something that *might* happen, I seem to gear up for it as my stress level increases, and start eating badly way ahead of time.

Is it self sabotage? Just a bad habit? What?

I dunno. I noticed it over the past month as I examined my feelings whenever I had the urge to eat or binge. It went something like this:

Me: "I really want to buy a bunch of candy and eat it all."
Self: "Why? Why would you want to do that?"
Me: "I just want it."
Self: "No, you want to lose weight and be healthy."
Me: "I don't care about that right now, I just *need* the chocolate."
Self: "What do you need it for? Is there a feeling you're trying to avoid?"
Me: "Shut up and buy the candy."
Self: "Are you trying to stuff down some anxiety about something? Or what?"
Me: (Sigh..) "Well I guess I am worried that I am going to overeat candy on Easter."
Self: "But that's weeks away."
Me: "Yeah I know, but I've always binged on Easter candy. Remember when I used to steal candy out of the kids' baskets when they were sleeping?"
Self: "Yes. Remember how you felt about that?"
Me: (hangs head)
Self: "You can decide ahead of time not to eat candy this year, or you can plan a special treat just for that day, but there is no reason to binge TODAY because of something that might happen in a few weeks."
Me: (whining) "But I want candy!!"
Self: "You don't need it. Do something else."
Me: "I am going to screw up on Easter so I may as well eat what I want right now."
Self: "That doesn't even make sense. Knock it off."
Me: "But..."
Self: "But nothing. Knock it off or I will make you scrub a toilet."

(Notice how having five children has given me an edge when it comes to dealing with the inner brat).

Yes, it's true. I perceive a road block ahead, and I anticipate a problem. Then I create a bigger problem by eating to calm myself. Vicious cycle. Bad habit. I see something coming up in days or weeks and I think: "road block!" So I slam on my brakes (with regard to healthy eating) and come to a screeching halt, candies jammed in my mouth and melted chocolate spattered on my shirt. But half the time when I get there, there isn't really a road block. Just a detour, or maybe nothing at all.

I have a meeting this afternoon to go to regarding one of my children who has a medical disability. It is a "big deal" kind of meeting, with me and one other person advocating for my child, and a whole slew of people standing for the school. I have to get things right at this meeting, for the sake of my child. And I've been stressed about this meeting for days. However, I haven't used food to deal with that stress. Not once. Not this time. I'll get through it, it'll be over, life will go on. My child's education has nothing to do with my eating. Nothing. So there is no reason for me to fabricate a link between the two.

I'm done anticipating failure. I look ahead and see success. Detours? Maybe... but roadblocks? No way.

Try, Try Again

One week ago, I started something different. After a lustful evening with a King Size Reece's Egg in a parking lot, I decided it was time to give up sugar. I went back to something that I'd tried before, back in 2003: cutting out sugars and bad carbs along the guidelines of South Beach diet. When I did it before, it seemed to be working as far as taking away sugar cravings, but I didn't think it was something I could do for the rest of my life. The second I ate a cupcake, I went nuts and binged right back up and over my previous top weight. That's why I've never done anything South Beach diet related again.

People comment and email me all the time telling me "don't keep doing the same thing if it isn't working" or "you are not losing weight, so do something different" or "if something you do fails, don't do it again." I beg to differ. That may be sound advice for some issues, but for weight loss, it's really not true. The reason? Because it is not the *method* or the *diet* that fails. It is me. It is you. My mother went on Weight Watchers for 20 years and never kept the weight off. But you know what? That just means her head wasn't in the right place, or there were other issues, or she wasn't emotionally ready to let her weight go. It doesn't mean Weight Watchers doesn't work... or even that it *couldn't* work for her. She did try other things, too, but she never lost the weight.

I've tried a lot of things in my life to lose weight. And any of the healthy ways would work, if I work them. Counting calories worked, eating more veggies, worked, exercising more worked, portion control worked. And just because *I* was screwing up with my eating doesn't mean I should stop counting calories or focusing on veggies or whatever. It meant I needed to switch things up a bit. And just because South Beach did not, ultimately, "work" for me in 2003, does not mean it cannot help me now.

What I am trying to say is this: just because you "tried" something already, don't write it off as something that could be helpful to you later. Keep trying. Try many things until something feels right to *you.* And when that stops feeling right, do something else. (Of course, I don't mean to try anything and everything... some things are unhealthy or downright dangerous. Do your research, and be sure you're eating healthy foods and not using pills, chemicals, etc as a crutch).

One week ago I decided to give up the sugar and cut out the processed crap and refined carbs. Last Thursday I weighed 236 pounds. Today, I weigh 228. I have *no* sugar cravings, more energy, eat when I am hungry, snack frequently. I'm not counting calories, just eating stuff from the South Beach phase 1 list (mainly). Lots of lean protein, veggies, low fat dairy, nuts, healthy fats. The point of this is to get rid of carb cravings, and it does work. In a week or two I will add back in some healthy whole grains and fruits, but NO JUNK. No 100-calorie packs, no "diet" ice cream bars, no "baked" chips. Healthy stuff.

This might not "work" for me forever, but when it stops "working" I will take the cue to make another change. Maybe I'll go back to calorie counting. Maybe I will find something else completely new. But always, it will be focused on the principles of good nutrition that I know and embrace.

An Animated Stall

I've been looking over the last year of progress on my weight, and I had a bit of a surprise. One year ago, on March 16, 2008, I weighed 237 pounds. And this year, on March 17, 2009, I weighed 236 pounds. Wow. What the heck have I done in a year?!? I thought I was working hard on losing weight! I can't believe I was stalled for that long.

Or was I?

Sure, I went in a pretty straight line down from 278 pounds to 237 pounds in just 7 months. Sure, there was a bit of a plateau over the holidays, but no big gains. That first 40 pounds came off in one big slab.

So what have I been doing from last March to this March? A LOT. I got down to 214 pounds last July. I was still 214 pounds in August even though I'd had a bit of a regain and taken it off again. But after that, it's been a whole lot of up and down, like so:


Anyway, it's not a straight line across, even though I weighed the same this month as I did one year ago. If you look at the bigger chunks of weight loss/gain, there was a whole lot of action going on.

From August to October, I went from 214 to 237 (+23 lbs)
Between October and December, I went back down to 222 (-15 lbs)
Then from December to February, went from 222 to 237 again (+15 lbs)
And of course last month, I went from 237 back down to 228 (-9 lbs)
Then earlier this month hit 240 (+12 lbs)
And now I weigh 229 again (-11 pounds)

That's a lot of dynamic for a stall... up 50 pounds, down 35. And that doesn't even count the dozens of 3 to 6 pounds gains and losses in between.

I didn't give up over the past year, and I didn't fall back into my old habits. I struggled, I learned about myself, I dealt with a lot of emotional issues and fought off the binge monster more times than I can count. Yes, I went wacko with the food a few times, but I never stopped fighting. That's why I do not weigh 300+ right now.

So now, when I look at the numbers, I remember that this is not about a destination. It's about a process. I'm learning a whole new way of living and being. Finding new ways to deal with stress. Breaking ingrained habits and forming new, healthier ones. And you know what? I am pretty proud of myself.

I think I am on a good downward trend right now. Being off of sugar has been very helpful to me so far. My goal is to power through the spring and summer (my best months) and lose weight as best I can. I'd really love to see 199 by my birthday in July. If not, then at least by the end of summer. That would make me sooo happy!

Anyway, try not to get discouraged if you stall for awhile. Just don't let the little ups and downs get to you. If you have to lose the same fifteen pounds over and over before it finally sticks, so be it. It's better than slapping 15, 30, 45 pounds onto your body and letting it take up residence permanently.

All the work has been worth it. It takes effort but the results are so life changing. This is a journey of a lifetime... one that won't ever end. And that's just the way I like it.

Walking, and Another Good Day

Today when I came home from shopping, my daughter had fallen asleep in her carseat. I parked, turned off the car, and just sat in the blessed silence, listening to her breathe. I decided to stay there for a few more minutes just to let her rest.

As I was sitting there, I noticed a neighbor coming out of her house. She is quite elderly, bent with age, and shuffles along at a snail's pace. I watched as she walked past, which took far longer than the average walker. I've seen this lady out walking a lot... in fact, I think she gets out at least once a day, maybe more often. Sometimes I pass her on the sidewalk when I go for my walks, breezing past with a friendly wave. And when I am on my way back home, sometimes I pass her again, and it seems she has only gone ten feet from where I passed her the first time.

Every day, there she is. Cold, hot, whatever. There she is, walking ever so slowly (and I do mean slowly) down the walk, to that stop sign that takes me under 4 minutes now but probably takes her 20 or more. Yet there she is. I don't know why she walks... whether it's for her health or to maintain mobility or just to enjoy being outside... she speaks little or no English so I'll probably never know. But she walks. And I thought, good heavens. If she gets out there and walks, why can't I?

So today when I was feeling rather whiny about the cold overcast whether and the chilling breeze and how tired I was and how I didn't feel like walking, I remembered how I'd watched her earlier today, her thin frame inching down the sidewalk in slow motion, and I got off my butt and walked.

Today was a very hectic day, and my lack of planning put me in a state of hunger for too much of the day, but I got through it.

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk & agave... and then I got a phone call about a school meeting for my young son, was on the phone for an hour and had to hang up and race out the door to my daughter's dance class. I put a scoop of whey protein in a shaker cup with ice water (50 calories) and drank that. I grabbed a string cheese and a few peanuts on the way out the door. And then the van wouldn't start. Dead battery... jump start... got to dance late.

Lunch: After dance we needed to go grocery shopping (out of milk etc) so we shopped for an hour. I was famished by this point. I bought some Thai curry flavored cashews and ate a few in the car. Had to get my daughter to a doctor's appointment 20 minutes away, so I went through McD's, got her some chicken nuggets & milk and got myself a sugar free, nonfat iced coffee. I figured I'd just get by with that and the nuts until I got home.

Snack: The doctor was an hour late. Then had to wait while he wrote prescriptions. Then a 20 minute ride home. When I got home at 3:45, I was DYING of hunger. I made an egg over easy (cooked in Pam) and 2 Morningstar Farms low fat sausage links and a cup of green tea. Boy did that hit the spot! I immediately felt better.

Snack2: I was a little hungry still, so I had a small bowl of low fat yogurt with almonds. Then I was ready for that walk. It was yucky and cold out so I took a less windy route but I think I did get close to a mile in.

Dinner: The plan for dinner (soon) is a lean ground turkey burger with romaine, olives, light mayo, mustard, dill pickles. I'll have some kind of veggie with it. Maybe some nice hot tea later.

That's it... another overall good day. Feeling pretty good! This morning, scale said 230.

Sugar as Comfort

Ever since I was a little kid, I have been comforted by sugar. I think many of us were. When you fell down and scraped your knee, Mama gave you a Popsicle. When you were upset, a cookie might help. And of course, when you were "good," you got a candy bar. At least I did. I learned when I was very small that food soothes pain.

Sometimes I think it is inborn, and not just taught. I didn't give my kids treats when they were sad or hurt... I tried to help them express their feelings instead. But I still remember a day when my son was two-and-a-half years old, and had misbehaved and his father was about to give him a consequence for it. My son was crying and out of the blue he wailed, "I WANT A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH!" It really had nothing to do with whatever misbehavior he had exhibited; he just had a sudden desire for *food* to comfort him.

Even very young babies seem to be able to calm themselves with sugar. Many years ago when my firstborn was a tiny infant, he was crying in church. As I took him out to nurse him, an elderly lady came up and said to me, "do you have a sugar tit?" I stared, wide eyed, not knowing what to say to THAT... and she continued, "Don't you have a sugar tit? I gave all my babies sugar tits. You just get a clean cloth... a linen square, you see... and you pile some sugar in the center and tie it shut so the sugar is in a ball. And then you stick that in the baby's mouth and they'll suck on that and stop crying. Everyone used to have a sugar tit. You need to go home and make you a sugar tit." I thanked her and went to nurse my baby, wondering at the wisdom of the ages. A sugar tit. Who knew? I guess this was the early form of the better-known (and dangerous) pacifier dipped in honey. Yes, even babies find calm in sugar.

Sometimes when I am upset, distressed, or sad, I like to pop some candy or cake or cookies into my mouth because it does seem to calm me. I always feel *emotionally* better after I gorge on candy (until I crash from my sugar high and start feeling awful). All those peanut butter cups I have eaten in my life were part of a soothing mechanism. Maybe I should've just made myself a sugar tit instead.

The problem with sugar is the devastating effects it has on the body. I won't get into all the details here, but a diet high in sugar can contribute to the development of diabetes and heart disease. And whenever I have a day filled with sweets, my joints just HURT. They ache and feel tight and it is just misery to move. Not to mention how sugar drains my energy.

But it seems to me that sweets have some sort of addictive nature to them as well. I can't tell you how many times I have binged on brownie batter, cookie dough, etc, even though my stomach was screaming at me to stop. I used to buy these big plastic tubs of frozen mini chocolate eclairs... 36 in each tub. I would keep them in the freezer because, in my mind, that was built-in portion control. I'd have to thaw a few at a time to eat them. But no. I can remember at least TWO occasions where I purchased 2 tubs of eclairs, and at BOTH TUBS in one day (72 mini eclairs!) straight out of the freezer. My mouth would be icy cold, I'd have brain freeze and my teeth would hurt from literally gnawing on the frozen filling, but somehow I couldn't stop. I'd open a tub, take 4, go sit down and eat them. Then I'd go back, get 4 more, go eat them. Back and forth, on and on until they were GONE. THAT is not normal. That screams addiction to me.

I also remember many times when I would eat something sugary, even though I did not like it. It's as though I was trying to convince myself with each bite that it tasted better than it actually did. Grocery store cakes, for example. They are just gross (IMO). I am a good baker. A grocery store cake never tastes good to me, but I'd buy 2 or 3 individually packaged slices (at an OUTRAGEOUS price... because it was easier to hide those containers than try to hide an entire bakery cake clamshell... and I didn't want my kids asking where the CAKE went!) and I would eat them to the last crumb, even though they weren't any good. Same with white chocolate. I do NOT like white chocolate. I have *never* liked white chocolate. It just tastes like sweetened wax to me. Yet I have binged on it, eating piece after piece as I try to convince myself that I *do* like it, as I try with each bite to find some redeeming quality, some flavor or taste to enjoy. And though I never find it, I keep eating. Crazy.

So here I am after 4 days of not eating *any* sugar (or refined carbs) and I feel so much better. I really do. I had some terrible cravings last night, but cravings are easier to battle if you don't have any crap in the house. So I walked my mile, rode my bike for 30 minutes, drank some tea, and went to bed. And today I feel great! And the scale this morning says 231 pounds. That's a 4-pound loss from last Monday. I'll take it, and keep going.

I'll find my comfort in other things. Like right now... a nice walk outside in the sunshine. And later, I'll find comfort in a long, hot bath and then sliding into freshly washed sheets on my bed. MUCH better than any sugar tit.

Have a super great day. The winner of the EatSmart Scale is Kelly from Texas. Congrats Kelly! Hope you enjoy it!

Sunday Update

Just a brief update on the weekend. Yesterday and today were *not* sunny, were a bit chilly, rainy, and overcast. But I'm okay. I went out and walked a mile each day anyway. I haven't eaten any junk food either! Feeling much better.

Today's meals:
Breakfast: Chai with skim milk & 1 tsp agave, Egg Beaters scrambled with Virginia baked ham, crimini mushrooms, and fresh steamed asparagus, with a bit of low fat mozzarella on top, and a cup of lemon green tea.
Lunch: leftover BBQ beans and a salad of Romaine, baby spinach, mushrooms, green olives, and leftover homemade chicken nuggets on top, with light blue cheese dressing and balsamic vinegar. (The nuggets were cubed chicken breast dipped in Egg Beaters and rolled in Parmesan cheese and garlic powder, sprayed with olive oil spray and baked til crisp).
Snacks: some peanuts, cottage cheese and sugar free jello, and hot green tea. I might have some light cheese and a dill pickle, too.
Dinner will be bok choy with cashews.

Will weigh in tomorrow!

A Beautiful Day, and BBQ Beans

Today was fantastic. I feel like a completely new person. Just two days of sunshine and warm weather, getting outside where I long to be, and I feel 50 pounds lighter. I totally underestimated the effects of the dismal weather on me. I knew I felt bad (and I was using a full spectrum light and taking vitamin D) but until today I didn't realize HOW bad.

I'd been stuck inside more than 90% of the time this winter. And when I did venture out, it was cold and overcast. Hardly any sun. Not much time outdoors. Let me explain why this is important.

I LOVE to be outside in nature. I am a real outdoorsy kind of person. I like yardwork, walks, picnics, trips to parks and zoos. I LOVE to hike. I love to camp, and every year for the past decade I have taken my kids out camping for at least a solid week each summer. When I am outside, I am in HEAVEN. The fresh air, the sun. I love to look at the clouds, flowers, trees. I have a degree in a field that will enable me to work outdoors if I so choose in the future. In fact, before my daughter was born, my job involved working outdoors, and I *loved* it. So when I am cooped up, it feels like jail.

Yesterday it got up to 60 degrees, and today 70. It was so wonderful! I had the windows open with breezes coming through the house all day. I went out this morning to work in the yard, and do you want to know what I did?!? I got up ON A LADDER with a CHAINSAW and I cut big branches off my huge maple tree in the backyard that had broken and needed to be trimmed (for the last 3+ years). ME! On a ladder! With a CHAINSAW!! This is something I would never, *ever* have attempted at 278 pounds. No way. I'd have ended up on the ground with a ladder, a branch, and a running chainsaw on top of me! But not today. I trimmed some heavy branches. Then I got down and cut them into logs. And then I helped my kids haul those heavy logs out of the yard. And you know what? It was fun! I LOVE yardwork and I felt so alive.

Afterwards, I got out the cushions for my yard swing, and I sat there in the sun and cool breeze while my daughter played in her sandbox. Just sitting there swinging... it was so heavenly.

Later, I took a nice mile-long walk. When I got back, I picked up the yard a little more and sat out on the deck for a bit, just soaking up the spring. My kids loved it too; my son went fishing with his friends, and my daughter was just dancing away on the deck.

After dinner, I went out for another short walk (about 1/3 mile). And then I soaked in the bath and just basked in the absolute joy of the first day of spring.

And yes, the PMS is over (obviously!). I also don't think it's a coincidence that I feel *this great* two days after giving up sugar and refined carbs. I've always known that that stuff affects my moods, and I've talked before about the "sugar fog." It's no fun living in a sugar fog. But you know what? Today, I didn't think about food AT ALL, unless I was hungry. I know part of it is just getting off the junk, but a huge part of it is that it's SPRING, and I got to be outside doing what I absolutely *love.*

Breakfast: Chai tea w/1tsp agave, Egg Beaters scrambled with sliced yellow summer squash and a bit of salsa, topped with light mozzarella, and green tea.
Lunch: spinach salad with yellow peppers, cauliflower, black olives avocado, leftover flatiron steak, and light blue cheese dressing.
Snacks: Enviga green tea soda (sugar free), string cheese, a small handful of peanuts, a fat free Greek yogurt with walnuts and 1 tsp agave, handful of turkey pepperoni and a Laughing Cow Light cheese.
Dinner: leftover mashed cauliflower and some *yummy* BBQ beans!! OMG they were so good and have NO added sugar. I love these. I am giving you the recipe! (These are "South Beach Phase 1" friendly, but they are also a healthy, fantastic, and QUICK food for dinner or a side dish or to bring to a picnic potluck in the summer instead of the usual fattening, sugar-laden barbecue baked beans). I found a recipe online (one that takes all day and has ingredients I don't have) and modified it to be fast and easy. If you want the original recipe, it's all over the web. Just google "Arizona Chuck Wagon Beans."

Healthy BBQ Beans (double this for more than 2-3 servings)

1 16-oz can of beans, drained (I used a 3-bean mix of kidney, pinto, and black beans)
4 oz canned tomato sauce (no added sugar, just plain ol' tomato sauce)
1/3 of an onion, chopped
1/3 of a bell pepper, chopped (I used yellow, very good!!)
1 clove of garlic, chopped
few shakes of oregano
generous pinch of cumin
small pinch of red pepper flakes
dash or two of liquid smoke
salt to taste
4 oz cooked meat (pieces/cubes of lean beef, or you could use extra lean ground beef. I used leftover steak, cubed, and it was amazing!)

Spray a pot with Pam. Put in the peppers and onions and saute until softened. Add garlic and spices, cook and stir a minute. Add the tomato sauce and liquid smoke. Simmer a couple minutes while you get the beans opened and drained. Add the beans and a few tablespoons of water. Stir. Simmer for about 5 minutes. Add the meat, simmer 5 more minutes. Taste and add salt if needed. Add water if too thick (it should be like baked beans). That's it! I ate half this recipe for dinner. Very delicious and filling. You won't miss the sugar!

That's it for today. Have a great weekend!

On Freedom and Control

It's finally spring!! I have NEVER been so happy to see winter go. This was the toughest winter (for me) on record, with overcast skies and freezing weather keeping me stuck inside with the toddler for most of the winter months. Yesterday was the nicest day yet, hitting close to 60 degrees with tons of sunshine. It felt so amazing to just go out and work in the yard... picking up stray branches and leaves, pulling a few weeds that started early, and then taking a nice walk with the mini-dog (1 mile). I even took a second walk after dinner, for about 1/3 of a mile. As I walked down the block, my mind went back to the day a little over a year ago when I was able to walk this stretch of block to the stop sign for the first time. When I started walking in August '07, I walked 30 seconds down the sidewalk and then back to the house. That was all I could do. It was exhausting and left me in pain. But I did it every day. I was sick of being stuck in my prison of fat... unable to even walk my child to the park less than 2 blocks away. That park, and that stop sign, may as well have been 10 miles away. I couldn't get there without a car. I'd walk my 30 seconds, stare longingly down the block (which is actually 2 long blocks) to the stop sign so far away and think, gosh. Maybe someday I will be able to walk all the way there.

Every few days I would walk a few steps farther. I remember when I could walk halfway to the stop sign. I was so happy. Walking that far took me by the neighbor's house with the beautiful flower garden, and I relished the sights and smells when I walked slowly past. After weeks of walking... or maybe even months... I was getting very close to that stop sign. I remember getting within ten feet of it and thinking, "next time, I will reach that stop sign." And when I did, I had tears in my eyes. I finally made it. I was so happy! And after that, I was able to walk my child to the park to play. That was the first real taste of freedom... freedom from obesity.

So yesterday as I walked in the evening breeze, I stopped at that stop sign, not out of necessity, but because I was ready to go back home. I'd already walked earlier that day... past the stop sign, up the long hill, around the corner another block, through the park and around another block. It was a mile, and it wasn't difficult. It was great!

Freedom isn't about being able to eat whatever you want. It isn't about buying a bunch of candy bars and inhaling them all at once. Real freedom is not about indulging every desire; it's about being free to live your life and enjoy your moments... being able to walk down the block if you want to, or take your kids to the park and play with them. It's about being able to vacuum and mop the floors without hyperventilating or collapsing into a big sweaty puddle of agony without even finishing the job. Real freedom is control. It's about being able to set boundaries for yourself, rather than having them set *for* you by your weight. The false freedom in a binge... the sense of being "able" to eat whatever you want... does not lead to happiness. Real joy, I am finding, comes from being *in control* of my intake, which results not just in weight loss but also in the ability to live life the way I want to live it.

Spring's here. A time of rebirth, new growth, and optimism... for ALL of us!

Sugar Fits

I am so irritable right now, I can't even think straight. PMS, UGH!! Anyway, I wanted to share a moment I had. Yesterday I ate pretty well all day... to a point. I had my usual healthy breakfast. The husband wanted to go out to a buffet for lunch, so I chose a Thai place with a ton of great veggie options. I had 2 plates of carrots/broccoli/cabbage mix, and some nice chicken breast. I only had 1/4 c of rice and 2 spring rolls, and a cup of green tea. Great! No snacks. Then around dinnertime the PMS just got worse and worse. I was planning on making pasta for the kids (with veggies) and just having an artichoke myself, since I wasn't very hungry. But while I was boiling their pasta, I fritzed out and scarfed a hot dog out of the fridge. Yeah, I buy hot dogs about twice a year. Which IS an improvement over how we used to eat them almost once a week (yikes), but still. They used to be a binge food. I knew better than to have any here.

So after my hot dog, I felt ill (of course). I picked at some baby carrots at dinner. I was feeling the hormones, for sure. When my husband went to put our daughter to bed, I did something I haven't done in AGES: I threw on a coat, bolted out the door, and drove to the grocery store for the SOLE PURPOSE of getting a piece of chocolate. I didn't care what anyone thought. I needed to have some candy and to hell with everything else.

And then I did something else I have not done in who knows how long: I sat in the parking lot and ate in my car. As I sat there in the glow of the storefront lights, watching cars drive by and shoving a King Size Reeces Egg in my mouth, I was sadly reminded of the many times in my past when I used to buy a ton of cookies, donuts, or candy from this grocery store, then drive through the adjacent Taco Bell and buy 2 chalupas and a couple of tacos and a Coke, and then sit in the parking lot shoveling it all into my mouth, alone, ashamed, disgusted.

It was just a Reeces Egg (and a chocolate bar). But I felt like I'd gone back in time. I looked around me and thought, "I don't want THIS to be my life. Not again." I thought about why I did it. I felt guilty. I looked at the bit of Reeces Egg remaining in my hand and I thought, "this stuff is poison. It is stealing my life. I hate it." And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I wanted to give it up. I mean REALLY wanted to give up all the candy, sugar, cakes, and sweets... forever.

I went on Atkins back in, oh, 2002 or so, and lost a bit of weight. I liked losing the sugar cravings, but when you want to binge, you'll find a way: I used to eat entire BRICKS of cream cheese, and plates full of bacon. Yeah, I know that's not really permitted even on Atkins, but I rationalized it. I used to bake entire cookie sheets full of mushroom caps stuffed with bacon and cream cheese and eat them ALL. Of course, I gained back any weight I lost doing Atkins.

I went on South Beach back in 2003. I lost about 35 pounds in under 4 months, and I felt GREAT. I loved the freedom from carb craziness,and the desire to binge almost left me. But the problem was, I resented having to give up "my foods." I wanted cake, candy, and bread the whole time I was on SB. I was sort of giving it up against my will, and just waiting for the day I could eat those beloved foods again. And when I found ways to "cheat," I went overboard. Lots of people eat sugar free fudgesicles on the South Beach Diet. And lots of people eat dark chocolate or sugar free chocolate, sparingly. And nut butters are allowed in moderation. And all I really wanted was to be inhaling an entire package of chocolate-covered Dove ice cream bars, so after losing 35 pounds, I started taking dark chocolate and melting it with peanut butter, and then smearing it all over those sugar free fudgesicles. It would harden and be like a mini Dove bar. And I would eat a whole package of fudgesicles that way. You cannot lose weight eating like that. It set off my cravings, and all I really wanted was a cupcake, so I started eating sugar again. I regained all the weight and then some. Same sad story.

And so I've said, I can't do South Beach because I refuse to give up candy and cake and stuff forever. But when I was sitting there in the car last night with loads of sugar pumping through my veins, I said, "enough is enough! I don't care if I never eat another candy bar again. THIS STUFF IS POISON!"

I'm giving it another shot. I'm going back to the basics: veggies, lean meats, nonfat dairy. Nuts and beans in moderation. No sugar for awhile... and no carby stuff for awhile until I get my head back on straight. I have to get this weight off. I'm going to turn this determination to BINGE into a determination to get control. I can turn those feelings of longing for food inside-out so that they become a longing for a better life... for good health. I am sick of turning my life into a box of chocolate-covered problems and I am SICK of being in a sugar fog. At least IN THIS MOMENT I feel no desire to *ever* eat that crap again.

Breakfast: Egg Beaters, low fat turkey sausage, spinach, and light cheese with green tea.
Snack: protein water, peanuts
Lunch: large salad of romaine, spinach, avocado, salsa, lean beef/turkey taco meat, light sour cream, black olives, and fat free refried beans
Snack: hummus and baby carrots
Dinner: lean steak, mashed cauliflower, roasted broccoli and garlic on olive oil

I already walked a mile in the beautiful spring sunshine (finally! sun!) and plan to bike later. Scale says: 236.

EatSmart Digital Scale Giveaway

Did you know that March is National Nutrition Month? The theme for March '09 is "Eat Right," and at eatright.org you can find some great resources from the American Dietetic Association, including lists of healthy snacks for kids, nutrition facts and myths, and how to eat right for a healthy weight. And to celebrate National Nutrition Month, we're not only going to Eat Right, but you have a chance to Eat Smart by entering to win an EatSmart Digital Nutrition Scale! To enter to win, go here and read the review I wrote on this scale back in January. Then come back to THIS POST and leave me a comment telling me what food you would weigh most often on this scale. (Me? Pasta! I can never get "2 oz" exactly right without it!) A winner will be chosen on Monday, 3/23. Open to residents of the USA only (sorry to my Canadian friends!)

If you want to purchase a scale, here's a link. Amazon actually has several different types of EatSmart scales available, and at the time of this posting, one is marked down from $55 to $25 (free shipping on Prime). Nice deal!

With or without a scale, let's all focus on our nutrition this week and feed our bodies the good, healthy stuff they need.

Thin Delusions

A long time ago, when I first got fat, I met a guy online. I weighed 227 pounds... the heaviest I had ever been up to that point. I was pretty self-conscious about it, too. I'd weighed 140-145 in my late teens and early 20's, but having children had put on some weight (and eating crap didn't help, either). Anyway, so I met this fella on AOL, which used to be a neat place to meet local people just by surfing profiles (back in the day when AOL had some good points... 1997-8 to be specific). We talked online for awhile, just casual talk, but I found him witty, intelligent, and engaging. Obviously a guy with a high IQ and a kind heart. After a few weeks of chatting, we discovered that we worked NEXT DOOR to each other! That gave us a good laugh... we'd probably walked past each other on the sidewalk on the way to work before.

I was single at the time, but hadn't gone on any dates. I had kids to raise. And I was fat. No guy wants a fat girl. Right? But this guy was so interesting that when he suggested we meet at a restaurant, I said yes. I wanted to find out who the person was behind the screen name.

I hadn't sent him a picture of myself, nor had he sent me one of him. This was back before everyone had digital cameras and pictures uploaded on their computers. I started to worry. What if he took one look at me and snuck out the back door? What if he saw me and his eyes got big as he tried to take me all in, as he scanned my chubby body up and down and his jaw dropped? Would he stammer out some niceties, make small talk, and then never talk to me again? I WAS FAT. I didn't have much self respect, was embarrassed of my body, and truly expected the worst. But I went anyway.

I walked into the restaurant and looked over to the bar. He'd told me he'd wait for me at the bar, and what he would be wearing: jeans, a black tee, and a (very cool) hat. Beyond that, neither of us had any idea what the other looked like. When I spotted him from the back, my heart started racing. He had a normal looking body type. He wasn't fat at all. What would he think of me? Am I too fat? I don't belong here. I am the fattest chick in the room. Oh my gosh, what am I doing? But I took a deep breath and walked over anyway.

When Dave turned around on his bar stool, he greeted me with a big smile and a hug. He was so warm and engaging, and never gave my fat body a glance. We sat and talked like old friends, laughing and sharing. It was the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.

I later found out he was just as nervous as I was... not about what *I* looked like, but what I would think of *him.* What woman wants a guy 15 years older than she is, with a bald head, thick glasses, and a beard? But I didn't see that, just as he didn't see my fat. We saw the heart. We saw the good in each other and became very dear friends.

Of everyone in the world, I always knew Dave accepted and loved me as I am. Never in over a decade of friendship did he make a comment about my weight or size. NEVER. He always treated me with the utmost respect. He always told me I was beautiful. Always made me feel amazing, no matter how much weight I gained. He saw the inner me, and whenever he spoke about me he talked about how feminine I am, how pretty. If anyone in the world looked at me and saw me *without* any weight issues attached, it was Dave. When he got his first cell phone, I remember him telling me he assigned a special ringtone for when I called... "something light and feminine, that reminds me of you," he said.

One day, about a year ago, Dave got a new cell phone. I called him one evening to chat, and he'd been drinking a little. He was joking and laughing, talking about what a pain it was to reprogram the new cell phone. "I had to add new ringtones," he said, "and find one for your number." I said, "Oh, what song did you pick for my number?" He laughed, and said, "Probably something like Fat Bottomed Girls."

I was crushed. I didn't say anything, but it felt like my world collapsed. I felt my face get hot with embarrassment. He continued, "No, actually I think I'll use xxxx..." The song he named didn't even register. All I heard was.... Fat. He referred to me as fat. He thinks I am fat. I didn't say anything, but I got off the phone and cried. Real tears. The one person in this whole world who I *knew* never thought of me as fat... who never judged me or even so much as acknowledged my weight... had suggested Fat Bottomed Girls as my identifying ringtone. It really hurt.

I don't know why I thought that HE thought I was thin. I think it was part of a delusion I held while I was morbidly obese. "I'm not THAT fat." And some men appreciate curvy females. I was just curvy. And Dave saw me as a normal sized curvy girl. Only, he didn't. The last time he'd seen me I weighed 280 pounds. I certainly had a fat bottom, but somehow, it never occurred to me that HE saw it.

Blame it on the liquor, I guess. That was the one and only time he has EVER said anything weight related to me before or since. He's always been respectful, and sees me for me. He's been there for me through a lot of trials. When my mother tried to kill herself, Dave is the one who insisted I should fly in to be with her, and paid for my ticket. When she died, years later, he was there for me. He's a dear friend and I love him like a brother.

Only recently, when I went through my cervical cancer scare, did I tell Dave that I had lost a bunch of weight (I hadn't seen him in a good year). Dave said to me, "I'm glad. I was worried about you. I never said anything but I worried." He didn't mention the weight, but I understood. It had been *my* delusion, not his. From day one, he knew I was fat, but he didn't care. He only cared about my well being.

I kind of miss the delusion, though. It was nice thinking there was someone who didn't know I was obese. I liked always feeling like I was a normal weight when I was around Dave. But the fact is, it's better to face reality. Then I can change it, instead of just pretending the problem doesn't exist. Soon, that curvy, normal-weight girl I've always been on the inside, will be my reality on the outside. And that will be amazing.

Price of Fitness, and Green Chicken Curry

Last night, I dreamed was fit. I was still sort of heavy, but I was strong. I was with a bunch of people and we were doing exercises. I was hanging from this ladder thing like a monkey bar, and I was inverting myself with my legs pointing up and I was doing pull-ups like that. Everyone was impressed. Boy, it felt good to be so strong. I have never done a pull-up of any sort in my life. Even in middle school when we had to do those Presidential Fitness tests, I couldn't do a pull-up. I always felt like a wimp. I may never do inverted pull-ups like I did in my dream, but I am hanging onto that *strong* feeling, and maybe I will do a real pull-up someday!

I want to feel strong. But to feel strong, I have to work out more. I really like how I feel *after* I work out. It's the *before* that sucks.

"I don't wanna."
"I'm too tired."
"I'll do it in an hour/tonight/tomorrow."
"It's too cold/rainy/windy/hot/dark/sunny outside to walk."
"I would rather watch TV/read/take a bath/cook/goof off/clean toilets."

Once I do the Nike thing and just make myself "do it," I am always glad. I feel better when I'm done: stronger, happier, more energized. I don't know why it's such a drag to get started.

Weigh-in for today: 235. Which is down 5 pounds from last week, but up one pound from a few days ago. I am bloated and SORE from PMS right now. Did I mention SORE?? I hate PMS. But five pounds is good; I'll take it.

So, I was supposed to be taking my daughter on a road trip for a couple days to a Children's Hospital this week. She has some procedures and appointments scheduled, so her father was flying in to go with us to the hospital. I'd asked the local doctor about any possible complications from her recent illness/medication and they said it shouldn't matter. Well, this morning I called the doctors at the hospital, and was told that because of her chronic conditions, it would be a really bad idea to sedate her for procedures while she is sick, so we had to reschedule. This is, I think, the FOURTH time this trip has been rescheduled. She was supposed to have one procedure done last summer. Now we are rescheduled for very late April. Sigh...

Anyway, her father is still flying in tomorrow and will be here for 2 weeks. We'll see how that goes. I've already asked him *not* to buy any junk or snack stuff while he is here, so hopefully it won't be like last time where I was waking up to bags of candy on my laptop.

One of my boys is sick, too. I really hope I don't get it.

Bethany requested my recipe for Thai Green Curry. I looove green curry but the restaurant version is SO high in fat (with oils and coconut cream) and way too spicy hot for my tastes. I messed around until I got it *perfect* (to my tastes) at home. Not very spicy and much healthier. Here ya go!

Thai Green Chicken Curry

14 oz can of light coconut milk (reduced fat/"lite")
1 T. green curry paste (from a jar. I used and recommend Thai Kitchen brand. Some brands are MUCH HOTTER than other brands.)
2 boneless skinless chicken breasts cut into bite sized cubes (raw)
3/4 T. fish sauce (I used Thai Kitchen brand again. I never used fish sauce before. It smells DISGUSTING!!!!!! Vile!!!!! But once it is simmered in, it no longer tastes VILE and DISGUSTING and gives an authentic flavor, so don't shy away if you smell the fish sauce and gag.)
1 T. + 2 tsp. brown sugar
1 can of bamboo shoots, drained
1 clove of garlic, minced/pressed
1 tsp. ginger (I got this in the produce section in a tube... fresh minced ginger paste)
onion powder, garlic salt, soy sauce, basil (Thai basil if you have it, or use whatever, or omit)

In a saucepan combine the coconut milk, curry paste, ginger, and garlic with a whisk. Heat over medium heat and simmer for 5 minutes. Add chicken, fish sauce, brown sugar, bamboo shoots, and simmer uncovered for 15-20 minutes. (Gentle simmer, not a rolling boil). Stir frequently. At the end, add about a tsp of soy sauce, and season to taste with a sprinkle of onion powder and garlic salt and a bit of basil. Watch the salt... you can overdo it.

This is fantastic served over steamed broccoli. That's the very best part IMO. I gave the kids brown rice with theirs. This is a very mild curry. If it's too mild for you, you can add more curry paste OR add a dash of cayenne at the end. Reheats great for leftovers.

We're having tacos for dinner. I am using half ground turkey and half extra lean ground beef, light cheddar, light sour cream, lettuce, vegetarian refried beans, salsa, and heart healthy tortillas (for the kids... I will have mine as a salad... with black olives... yum!)

And as a little hurrah to myself, when I was in the grocery store, the Reece's PB Easter Eggs were SO calling to me. I wanted one in the worst way. I was in the checkout line, considering going back for a Reece's Egg, and had this conversation in my head:

"Yum, I want one."
"Nah, you don't. You can't lose weight eating candy."
"Yeah I can. I bet it is only 250 calories. I can fit that into my day."
"One won't satisfy you. It will be gone in an instant and you'll just want more. You know it takes a whole bag of those to make you feel satisfied. You've never been satisfied with one, or even two or three."
"Ugh. You're right. But I want one anyway..."
"No. You don't even really like how they taste. Remember how every time you eat them you end up thinking they don't taste as good as they did when you were a kid?"
"Yeah (whining) but I like those. I can't just quit eating them FOREVER. I should have one last Reece's Egg."
"Your knees are all screwed up. You need to get some more weight off first. You need to get under 200 pounds for your knees sake. You can go back to eating that crap when you get to 189 pounds."
"okay."

And that was that. In my mind I *knew* I can't just "go back to eating crap" when I lose some more weight (or I will regain), but hey, whatever it takes to shut up the inner brat.

Forward we go...

Secret Longings

Weird things go on in the head of a person with a food addiction. That's what I call it, sometimes. Other times, I call it a binge eating disorder. Either way, the thoughts are bizarre.

Some days when I am doing fine and eating healthy, I get these flashes of longing for the binge. It is the craziest thing; I can be fine, eating my salad or whatever, and suddenly I will think of a food (yesterday it was Oreos) or read a post on a message board (about someone who binged) and I get this faint, wistful feeling. It's not a *thought,* per se. I don't think, "wow, I want some Oreos." I am not talking about the cravings we all get, where you *want* something and it drives you batty until you either get over it or eat it. This is different. It's the feeling you get when you catch a glimpse of that old boyfriend walking down the street... the boyfriend you really did love. It's a longing, a tender feeling, that makes you just kind of sigh. Or the wistfulness in your heart when you come across an old photo of your best friend in college. Oh, those were the days. How much fun we had. What great times. Ah, to be young again. But for me, I get like that about foods, too. I get flashes of the way I used to feel when I'd sit with an entire package of Oreos by my side, grabbing five at a time, dipping them in milk, enjoying every last bit, until it was all gone, with nobody to tell me I'd had enough. Yeah, yesterday I just had that feeling pop up... the old "intimacy with a cookie sandwich" yearning. I didn't really want the Oreos. Or maybe I did. But it was more of a sense of wishing it could be like that again.

I want the food without the consequences. I want to binge until I am ready to pop (just because of the *feelings* involved in certain kinds of binges... pleasant feelings) and not gain weight. I wish I didn't want it, and I hope someday I don't. I love my healthy food, but if all foods were equally healthy and any amount would lead to a healthy weight, I'd be inhaling an entire cheesecake right now.

Some binges were unpleasant... usually the ones triggered by stress, anger, sadness. The mini-binges I have had while trying to lose weight are *always* miserable. There is nothing good about them. Yeah, I guess there are two kinds of binges: the stress binge and the happy binge. The stress binge is frantic and desperate. It's shoveling food in and not even tasting it, because you're trying to fill a hole or numb yourself out so you can cope. I don't miss *those* binges. It's the happy binge I sort of miss. The kind of binge that used to start with waking up in the morning and telling myself, "Self, you are going to get *anything* you want today! Sit back and relax, and prepare to be spoiled and pampered with food!" And then I'd just spend the day thinking, "Hmmm, what sounds good right now?" and whatever I'd come up with, I'd eat. I'd go to grocery store bakeries and pretend I was buying several desserts for my family to try for an upcoming party. "Yes, could I get one of those mousse cups? Hmmm, and a Nanaimo bar. And one of those truffles there. And a custard cup, and a slice of cake. And if I need to order, say, 30 of any of these items for an event, how much notice would you need?" What a nerd.

I'd spend the day eating, pleasing the senses, being stuffed. But then I'd wake up in serious pain... headache, joints hurting, body aching all over, and I'd say, "that's it. I have to stop eating like that. I have got to lose weight!" And it got to the point where it was just too miserable to continue on. Much like a drunk or a drug addict who hits rock bottom and decides enough is enough. Got to quit. Now.

Maybe on some level, people with alcohol or drug addictions sometimes get that wistful longing feeling about the pleasant parts of using. Maybe sometimes they miss being able to just "check out" and leave their problems behind, and find pleasure in their substance of choice. Maybe after years of being clean and sober, those feelings go away. I don't know. I quit drinking when I was 17 so I would not end up an alcoholic like my mother and some of her family. But I never saw the food-abuse issue, even after my Mom quit drinking and went from skinny to morbidly obese. I didn't get it.

So that's my scary secret. The frightening thing, for me, is that even after weeks or months of eating healthy, avoiding junk, and feeling GREAT... being high energy, happier, lighter, in less pain... I still read a sentence about *someone else's* binge and I wish it was me doing that.

Today was a good day.
Breakfast: Chai tea, Egg Beater omelet with salsa, mushrooms and lite mozzarella, 1 slice wheat toast, and 3 strawberries, with green tea.
Snack: apple
Lunch: leftover Thai green chicken curry. I made this for dinner last night (chicken breast, bamboo shoots, and broccoli in a green curry sauce made from light coconut milk, over a small amount of brown rice). So good.
Snack: light cottage cheese with walnuts and agave nectar
Snack: 100-calorie microwave light butter popcorn
Dinner: homemade chicken Alfredo pizza with light mozzarella, and a side salad with light blue cheese dressing. Dessert was a hard candy Chocolate Parfait Nip.
Total calories: 1780

Hoping for a good loss on Monday.

Fat Kid, Skinny Kid

"Wow, she is so fat! How much does she weigh?"

If you were a mother, and a stranger said this to you in public about your child, what would you do? And what do you think the effect would be on your child, if they heard this sentiment over and over, no matter where they went?

Thankfully, most people in society are civil enough not to blurt out such absurdities, especially not in front of a child. Most people understand that body size is a personal thing, and, in general, it's none of their business what you or your child weigh. And if your kid blurted out something about another person's size in the grocery store, you'd probably explain to them that it is not polite to do so... whether it be a woman weighing 400 pounds, a man who is 4 feet tall, or a kid who is 6'5. You just shut up about stranger's bodies, because everyone is different and there is really no reason to comment on another person's size.

But somehow it is okay for people to bust out with, "Oh my God, she is so skinny! What does she weigh?" or "Wow, she is super tall! How old is she? Is her father tall?" when they see my daughter. For crying out loud, people, she is THREE. Leave her alone! It does *nothing* for her body image to be labeled "skinny" and "tall" by every stranger who crosses her path. She is not even in preschool yet and already she gets the sense that something is wrong with her body. She is "way too skinny" and "taller than other kids her age." From the grocery store clerk joking "you need to feed that kid!" to the receptionists blurting out, "she is taller than my five year old!!" and the granny in the parking lot saying "she needs some meat on her bones," it all tells my daughter that she is not okay. These same people would probably never think of telling a fat kid's mom "you need to stop feeding her so much" or "wow, she is fatter than my chubby toddler" or "put that kid on a diet." But it's just fine to go on and on about her boniness, skinniness, and tallness.

It is NOT just fine. These comments are not meant to hurt, but they hurt. They make my little daughter self conscious. They make her wonder why she is not "normal." And then I get crap from onlookers no matter what I feed her. Just like the fat person eating a burger gets eye rolls from people because they "shouldn't be eating that fatty food" but also gets comments if they eat a salad because "it obviously isn't working," I get all kinds of unsolicited commentary on my "skinny" daughter's eating. If she wants a vegetable, I get "you need to give her more calories" but if they see her eating french fries I get "you are feeding her junk!" I wish people would butt out.

What I'd like to tell these people is that while yes, she is thin and yes, she is tall, SHE IS NORMAL. That what they don't know is how sick she used to be, how she almost died, how she couldn't even breathe on her own. It's a miracle she is here! Yes, she is "skinny" but her doctors (which are many, due to chronic conditions) and her nutritionist are PLEASED with her progress. Yes, I give her french fries sometimes, and thank goodness that she will eat them at all, given her feeding issues from having a breathing tube down her throat when she was an infant. What I'd like to tell people is, stop making assumptions. Stop trying to be her nutritionist. You really have no idea.

A little boy who was about 6 years old got brain cancer. He was a normal sized, healthy little boy until this happened to him. He had to get a lot of treatments... chemo, radiation, other stuff I don't know about. And this little boy bloated up like a blowfish. This child *looked* obese because of his treatment. How cruel would it be for an adult in a grocery store to see this child (who, by the way, ultimately died), and make snide comments on his weight? If you'd made that kind of assumption about him, and then found out what was really going on, wouldn't you feel like a heel?

Best thing to do: don't assume. There are reasons for every size, every condition. That bum on the street begging for money might have "brought it upon himself" by drinking and doing drugs and wasting his money, or maybe he has a medical condition that left him mentally ill. Or maybe he had a catastrophe in his life that left him homeless. Or perhaps his family died in a car wreck and he just can't get it together anymore. That fat lady in the motorized cart... maybe she didn't just "eat her way" to that condition. Any number of things could have happened to her. Why judge? Let people be.

And if you see my skinny girl, just tell her what lovely blue eyes she has, or what a sweet smile she has. Compliments are always welcome, especially by little children.

Make the world a better place. Leave the body comments and judgements at home, and instead, offer a smile and say something nice... to children (and adults) of every size.

Update, Planned Menus, and Sugar

Yesterday was interesting. I woke up with a sick, feverish, coughing kidlet. I'd planned a day of errands, cleaning, exercising, and food prep for cooking while she was away at playgroup, but obviously I wasn't sending her sick. A leisurely day snuggling at home, right? Wrong...

Called the doctor and got an order for a sinus film for her. Bundled her up and went to get that done. She was an angel, sitting there so still, trying not to cough, while they did her xray. She really is a precious girl. Anyway, then I had to drop off the papers for her pre-K registration for fall. Got home and the doctor called... she has a severe sinus infection. She's been on several antibiotics already, had an allergic reaction, had major diarrhea, yet hasn't gotten over the infection. So the doctor called in another couple of meds.

Meanwhile, I had gotten home and was comforting my girl and making her a lunch of her toast, bananas, and hummus. Got a phone call from the high school because my boy was trying to go to www.elgoog.com on the school computer and they thought is was some kind of gaming or porn site because it was banned by the school so he got sent to the office, I got a call, and if he ever does it again he loses school computer privileges permanently. Ridiculous IMO but I told him to knock it off and play by their rules.

I also baked a small (8 by 8) low fat whole wheat applesauce cake with my daughter, and it turned out SO moist and good. If you've never tried using plain, unsweetened applesauce to substitute for oil in cake recipes, it works very nicely.

Between loads of laundry and other necessary chores, I managed to plan some more dinner meals, make a shopping list, get my youngest son to his speech therapy appointment, pick up my daughter's new meds and mix in the flavorings myself (saves $), medicate her, bathe her, and get her to bed. Then one of my boys showed me his assignment to write a report... by tomorrow. He struggles with this kind of writing... a lot... so it took me about 45 minutes to sit with him while he wrote, give him writing tips, and help him stay calm. It did get done, but my kitchen looks a wreck because I never got it cleaned up last night. Oh well, priorities....

My eating yesterday:
Breakfast: Chai tea, a whole grain Kashi waffle with 1T natural almond butter and 1/3 c. fresh blueberries on top
Lunch: Omelet, made from Egg Beaters, sauteed mushrooms and spinach, and light mozzarella cheese, with a piece of wheat toast and some fresh strawberries and green tea
Snacks: a few peanuts, 1/2 serving of wheat thins, and an ounce of cheese
Later snack: 1 slice of wheat bread with PB&J and low fat milk with Ovaltine in it
Later snack: almond granola bar
Dinner: 1/2 slice of leftover cheese pizza, strawberries, and applesauce cake

Pre-cake, I was at 1623 calories. So with the cake I was close to my 1750-1800 cal/day goal.

Cake for dinner? Yeah, that's right. I knew I wanted it, and I knew it wouldn't break the calorie bank unless I had a full dinner and THEN cake afterwards. I was pretty burned out by dinnertime so the kids just had soup and sandwiches. And I didn't exercise, either. I sat on the couch in a lump after I helped my boy get his report done. And then I went to bed early.

I've been thinking about the planning thing. I think part of why I don't like planning EVERY BITE is because then it leads to counter-intuitive eating. I've worked on intuitive eating (listening to my body) for the past year and a half... stopping before I make lunch and asking myself, what do I REALLY want/need? Some days I can sense I need more protein, while other days I want something light. Sometimes I totally crave certain vegetables. I want to listen to those GOOD feelings. If I have a vegetable soup planned for lunch, but at lunchtime I am really craving a big spinach salad with oranges and chicken breast, then I do not see the point of telling myself NO I cannot have a salad and I have to eat soup instead. I mean, I already have to tell myself NO to unhealthy stuff. I am not going to deny myself the pleasure of a good salad when I crave one. Discipline is a great thing to have, but I think *making* myself eat something I do not want and will not enjoy is counterproductive. I am going to do this for the rest of my life. I want to at least enjoy the healthy foods I am eating. I don't want to be angry at my food, which is what would have happened yesterday if I had forced my cold, hungry self to eat a planned salad instead of going with the omelet I really wanted (which was a perfectly healthy option). For me, "diet" discipline is reserved for things like saying no to unhealthy foods, stopping at a reasonable amount of calories, or making myself exercise.

That said, I want to still plan dinners. I've seen how this helps me stay focused and I think it'll be good for the kids to know what's going on, and I can still listen to my body by adding in side dishes I want. I've gotten some great ideas from your comments. I'm going to put homemade pizza on the dinner schedule, and I found a great recipe for chicken curry that I can make healthy. Today I am going to brown a bunch of lean ground turkey and lean ground beef together, drain it well, mix it half and half and freeze it in one-pound portions so I can easily use it for quick dinners in the future. Tonight, spaghetti. An easy one... because I have a spaghetti squash to make alongside the pasta, and everyone can have what they like!

I also decided to cut back some more on sugar. I know I am a sugar addict. I could eat cake for breakfast every day, happily (and, in fact, used to do just that). I already eat far less sugar than I ever have: no sodas, no sugary drinks, no white sugar in the house. But I can do better... I know this. I'm gonna try to pay closer attention to my sugar intake this coming week and see what I learn and how it goes.

I am well rested today, feeling good, and weighed in with a 6-pound loss since Sunday. I'm off to clean the kitchen!

Planning

The other day, I got my kids together and asked them all what they'd like to have for dinner this week. The idea was to make a meal plan, so that at least I'd know what was for dinner each night. Yes, even after 5 children, I wing it most days. Whatever sounds good... whatever I feel like cooking... whatever I can thaw quickly... that's for dinner. But I wanted to try something different, so I gathered the troops and asked.

The first unanimous response was, "Pizza Hut pizza!" After I explained that I meant to choose things we would *cook* at home, here are the answers I got:

tacos
sloppy joes
"normal" spaghetti (i.e., not whole grain) with "real" sausages (i.e., not turkey sausages) and "burger" in it, but "no chunks" in the sauce (i.e., no vegetables)
waffles with bacon
steak and mashed potatoes
corn on the cob

"How about chicken? Some kind of chicken?" I asked. I was met with blank stares. "Maybe some fish? How about salmon... you guys like salmon." "Nah, Mom, we already gave you enough ideas. If you get Pizza Hut one night then that is a whole week of dinners!"

Sigh...

Well, they like beef... we've established that. And actually, they like some chicken dishes and fish but those are not their first choices.

So I decided to go ahead with some of their menu requests *this* week, and then ask again next week and see what they come up with. But this whole planning thing, it throws me. I am 39 years old. I have, all these years, never had meal plans. I'm going to give it a shot and see if it improves anything in our lives. But today, my meal plan went south.

Planned breakfast: chai tea, whole grain waffle with natural almond butter and fresh blueberries, a few strawberries, and green tea
Actual breakfast: chai tea, and then I actually forgot to eat until I was racing out the door to an appointment with my daughter. I didn't eat anything until lunch. *This is totally rare. I actually eat a healthy breakfast every day. I do not do well with no food!*

Planned lunch: big salad, pretty much like yesterday's
Actual lunch: got home from appointment and shopping, and was FAMISHED. Had a mini bagel with deli turkey and spinach and mustard on it, with a handful of baby carrots, a serving of hummus, 3 strawberries, and half a banana.

Planned snacks: fruit, roasted kale, almonds
Actual snacks: After lunch, I was COLD. I made a nice hot cup of Chai tea and it was sooo soothing and good. Later, I got hungry, so I made a pan of kale roasted in olive oil spray until crisp. It was really good! Around 4PM, I started getting... snacky. Pacing the kitchen a bit. I told myself to have an apple, but instead grabbed a brownie (we had 3 leftover from earlier this week). After I ate it, I wanted a big plate of cheese and crackers. But I said to myself, Self, knock it off. And I had a light string cheese instead.

Planned dinner: 4 oz flat iron steak, mashed potatoes (1/3 c made with skim milk), and a ton of roasted broccoli
Actual dinner: I forgot to thaw the steaks, so I went with the sloppy joes instead. Will do the steaks another night. Dinner was great! I always make my sloppy joes with extra lean beef, and I add beans to them. I had a huge plate of bagged romaine/mix salad with baby carrots, and out about 4-5 oz of sloppy joe meat over the top and a bit of light Ranch. I love eating my sloppy joes this way! It tastes so good on a salad, saves calories by not eating buns, doesn't set me off wanting a ton of bread, and fits in the veggies.

Total calories for today: 1263
Drank 9 glasses of water.

I will be biking for 30 minutes tonight while I watch Biggest Loser, and I may have a nice hot cup of tea after that.

So, the meals didn't go as planned today, but I'll plan tomorrow to eat the plan I made for today. (Make sense?)

I'm off to bike!

What Plan Works?

A long time ago, when I was morbidly obese and desperate for answers, I used to sit down at the computer and look for the magic solution. I felt so miserable about my weight and how impossible weight loss seemed; but I knew people *did* lose weight so there HAD to be a magic answer. I would Google things like "lose weight fast" or "easy weight loss." I would spend hours reading about every pill, potion, and diet plan out there. And I tried many different things, with frustrating results. I stumbled and staggered around trying to get something, anything to work. If I managed to lose some weight, it would still pile back on after awhile because I just couldn't seem to stick with a plan. Why wasn't the fat melting off? What was wrong with me? Isn't there *some plan* out there that works for everyone?

Short answer: any reasonable, healthy plan will work IF YOU WORK IT. I don't claim to be a diet guru... I often post what I am learning, and sometimes it's stuff I am still working on embracing. The thing is, for some people, Weight Watchers is their salvation. But not for everyone. I watched my mother Weight Watcher herself into morbid obesity for 20 years. For others, they find their answer on some other plan: low fat, or low carb, or raw food diets. And it doesn't really matter.

I tried so many different approaches but the problem was, I never found something that I *wanted* to do, that I *enjoyed* doing and could do for the rest of my life. I think that's the key to finding *your* plan.

1) Do I want to do it? (at least, most of the time)
2) Do I enjoy doing it?
3) Can I do this for the rest of my life?

If your plan feels like a burden, deprivation, or a jail sentence, it won't work for you.

I can say this, for sure: I have finally found what works for me. My new habits have truly changed my life. For the first time, I really enjoy what I am eating, I want to do it, and I know this is what I will do for the rest of my life.

My plan is simple. Eat a lot of vegetables, enjoy fruits, get enough lean protein, enjoy whole grains. Cut most of the processed foods, white flour, and sugar. Eat to satisfaction. Count calories. Drink water. Exercise. Be active.

Simple! It makes me very happy. Before I discovered this way of life, I used to go for weeks... sometimes months... where the only vegetable I ate was a french fry or mushrooms on my pizza. I thought I hated vegetables and exercise. But I don't! I love them. I love how they make me feel. I am so much happier when I follow my plan. And when I stick to it, I lose weight. Every time.

I've never lost this much weight before in my life. And even with the partial regain, I've never kept weight off for this long. And most importantly, I have never been so happy with my eating... and so nourished by it. I am starting to truly love my body. Yeah, I have issues to work out. I struggle *a lot* with the whole binge eating/sugar craving thing, so I often tweak my plan here and there to try and make it better. I plan on seeing a counselor, and I also plan to learn to meditate. I am learning new ways of coping. And finally, I am being completely honest with myself about my eating, my weight, and what goes on in my head. The support I get here is so helpful. Thank you all for that!

Today is the third day of being 100% back on track. Yesterday looked like this:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk & agave, Egg Beaters with spinach, turkey sausage, and light cheese in a Carb Balance tortilla, with a Clementine and green tea.

Lunch: big salad of organic baby spinach, romaine, cucumbers, yellow peppers, apple chunks, feta cheese, pine nuts, walnuts, dried cranberries, chicken breast, with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette and 2 strawberries on the side.

Snack: a whole grain bar, lots of water, half an apple, and a huge dish of roasted fresh kale.

Dinner: 1 slice cheese pizza, large pile of steamed fresh butternut squash with an ounce of 2% low fat cheddar and 3 Ritz crumbled on top, baked til bubbly.

Total calories: 1791. Drank 10 cups of water. Strength trained 20 minutes, and spent an hour scrubbing every floor in the house. Boy was I sweating when I got done!

I feel fantastic when I eat like this. I have energy, focus, and my mood is better. I am such a different person than I was 2 years ago! And of course the scale is going down again.

Preplan for today:
Breakfast: chai tea, whole grain waffle with natural almond butter and fresh blueberries, a few strawberries, and green tea
Lunch: big salad, pretty much like yesterday's
Dinner: 4 oz flat iron steak, mashed potatoes (1/3 c made with skim milk), and a ton of roasted broccoli
Snacks: fruit, roasted kale, almonds

Plan to walk a mile, weather permitting, and bike 30 minutes. Have a great day!