Soothing Stress, and a Fat Jeans Story

A few days ago, I woke up with swollen gums. They were just on one side of my face, on the upper jaw, as if some piece of food had irritated the area. I waited for it to subside, but instead, it got worse. The swelling turned to throbbing and two teeth started to really hurt. I thought, great. An infection. I've had a couple of root canals in my past, and it is *not* something I want to endure again. Then the swelling went away and I was left feeling like someone had punched me in the face. I was in enough pain by this morning that a trip to the dentist was inevitable.

I don't know about you, but I get stressed out when people start looking at my teeth and I see drills and shots dancing in my head. I love my dentist, but I hate dental work. Thankfully, I got an emergency appointment this morning right after my daughter's gymnastics class. It was lunchtime. I had snacks packed, but who eats on the way to the dentist?

After a half hour of x-rays and exams, I got good news (no need for drilling) and advice from the dentist. I was relieved but still had the aching face, and had that let-down feeling after a rush of adrenaline leaves your system. (I think that "mental/emotional exhaustion" has often been a trigger for me to EAT for relief). On the way out the door, the staff gave my daughter a coupon for a free kid's meal at a burger joint across town. (Aside... yes I was glad for her to get it... and since I usually get a few comments/emails going "OMG why do you give your kid fries??" let me just say, her diet is not up for debate, and don't worry, she sees a nutritionist). Anyway, so we were getting into the car and I was thinking how we ought to go drive across town RIGHT NOW and use that coupon, because I am exhausted and hungry and after all they do have turkey burgers and salads there... but I came to my senses and headed for home. Halfway there, I saw McDonald's. My brain started talking... "You feel so horrible. McDonald's would make you feel better. Chicken nuggets are easy to chew. You deserve something comforting. They have lattes there now, you could get a nice hot soothing coffee to sip at home. You could get... " at which point the 'other' voice in my head butted in, exasperated, and said, "Just go home!" So I did.

But it's funny how I find so much comfort in food. One of the most indulgent, relaxing things for me is sitting on the sofa sipping a nice hot 'specialty' coffee drink. (I have sort of substituted mugs of hot tea for this lately... still relaxing, but hardly any calories). Even when I got home and was walking in the door, the old me was sulking and pouting because I hadn't brought home a "treat." After all I deserved it, being in pain and all. But I got over it, I came inside and took pain medication and made myself a nice big bowl of hot soup. After eating an entire can of Amy's Organic Vegetable Barley soup, I felt completely comforted and content, warmed and soothed, for only 140 calories. See? I am learning.

I'll probably make some tea later, too, for that bit of "ahhhhh" relaxation I need. I think I am building new neuron pathways in my brain for stress relief. The old paths just weren't working for me. Over time, the new paths will become the default reactions. I hope.

I had a funny thing happen this morning, too. By way of background, I have this favorite pair of jeans. They're sooo comfortable and flattering to my curves, but they're a size 22, so they're a little big. I used to wear them every chance I got because they made me feel sexy and cute and thinner (especially since I started out barely able to squeeze into my size 26 jeans at 278 pounds). When I got down to 214 pounds, the size 22's were ridiculously large on me to the point of falling down. I had folded them up and put them in the Fat Clothes pile to retire, but when I regained some weight I started wearing them again. I *knew* they were kinda big on me, especially because anytime I wore them I had to be sure not to wear silky-type underwear or they'd slip and fall right off. But still, I had "I am too fat, I need these size 22 jeans" going in my head. I still see myself as morbidly obese. Even in the mirror... oh the horror I see. Anyway, I had gone ahead and ordered a pair of these same jeans in a size 20 and a size 18 so I could still have my favorite jeans as I lose weight. I have had the 20's folded by my bed for awhile now, but I *knew* they would be uncomfortably tight so I didn't even try them on. Finally, this morning, having lost some weight, I figured I might be able to squeeze into those 20's. Hesitantly, I tried them on. I pulled them up. I buttoned them. And... they are LOOSE. They aren't falling off me like the 22's, but heck, I think I could probably go right ahead and wear the 18's! Unbelievable. And here I thought I was way too fat for those pants. The 22's are going on permanent retirement now, and I will be trying on the 18's in the morning. Wow. I am not as fat as I thought.

Another good day is well underway. For the record:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave, Scottish oatmeal with agave, vanilla, and half a cup of peaches with a splash of 2% milk, and green tea

Lunch: a can of vegetable barley soup, 1 serving thin Triscuits, and one ounce of reduced fat cheddar

Total calories so far: 733.

I'll have some tea later, maybe some fruit and/or asparagus and nuts. Dinner plan is whole grain spaghetti (I will have a pile of steamed yellow squash and mushrooms, a small amount of pasta, one turkey Italian sausage and Alessi smooth pasta sauce, my favorite!) Maybe a green veg with that as well... yeah, how about broccoli?

Will bike and lift later as well but it is kind of cold for a walk today.

Have a great day!

P.S. to Bingeing

If you read my last post, you know about the binge.

Now, a p.s.

By dinnertime, I was hungry, and exhausted. Somehow, I always feel completely mentally wiped out after I have a binge, big or small. It's like the battle in my brain to try and stop myself leaves me weak, lying on my back trying to catch my breath so I can drag myself up off the floor and back into reality. I ended up having 2 mini bagels with salami on them for dinner... it wasn't in craziness, it wasn't an extension of the urgent binge. It was just... what I drug myself to the kitchen and ate. And a couple pieces of dark chocolate. Of course, salami is not low cal so I wound up at 2600 calories. I logged it, and felt extremely disappointed in myself.

In the aftermath of a loss of control, I have often let the shame of it drag me back into more and more eating, sadness, and "I will never get this weight off" thinking. But last night, I did something different. I went into the bathroom and as I was washing up, I looked in the mirror. I said to myself, "You don't look any fatter than you did this morning." Maybe that seems silly to some of you, but after I overeat I *always* feel like a big, fat failure. I feel huge and like I "ruined" everything. But just taking a look... a REAL look... I did not look any fatter having eaten what I ate. I looked the same as I did in the morning, and the day before. And taking this in and accepting it made it possible for me to realise that nothing was ruined, nothing was destroyed, and I was still on the path to better health and weight loss. So I went in my room and lifted weights for a half hour and then went to my bike and biked *really hard* for 35 minutes. I drank some water, and went to bed, back on track. And that's where I am.

I have a lot to do today, so if I update further I'll do it on Twitter (which you can read on the left side on this page anytime you're curious to see how many calories I've eaten or whether I worked out). Back tomorrow :)

In the Middle of Binge Crazed Insanity

This should be educational.... I am in the absolute middle of the crazy, binge insanity. I lost my head about 2 hours ago, and started eating... and not 5 minutes ago I was pacing the kitchen, digging for ANYTHING chocolate, not finding anything and then desperately trying to stop myself from making 4 pieces of buttered toast. I *did* stop myself, but feeling on the brink and still in the dead center of Binge City, I came here to post instead. I thought maybe it would stop me. And it has at the moment, but even if this doesn't work, I have never sat down and typed in the middle of the binge mindset. So here is how I feel.

I feel out of control, like all that matters is getting some food into my mouth. I feel frantic, almost desperate. My brain is shorting out or something, with crazy food thoughts flowing through like a swollen, flooding river:

"I could go to McDonald's and get a Big Mac meal for a snack. No one would know"
"I know there is a cheap brownie mix in the basement somewhere. I could make chocolate chip cookie dough, and cheesecake batter, and mix those into the brownie batter and bake it...."
"I will steal my husband's candy, which he left in a bag on my laptop this morning and now is sitting 3 feet from my face, and I will leave just enough that he might thing *HE* ate more than he imagined...."
"I will bake potatoes and melt cheese on them and crumble bacon on them... no wait, I will make them into french fries first, and THEN put cheese and bacon on them..."
"I have to eat, I have to eat"
"I could eat a bunch of fruit until I am too stuffed to eat anything else... it's better than junk"
"I could order a pizza and eat it all myself"
"I could make a bagel with cream cheese and salami. I don't like salami on bagels but I don't care"
"I really am flipping out"
"I could deep fry a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chocolate chips in it, or a banana in it, or both, and maybe some bacon in it..."

Yeah. Nuts.

Okay, so I had a great morning... healthy breakfast tortilla/eggs/vegs and tea and a Clementine. Ran errands. Felt great. Had chicken soup and wasa fiber crisp with Laughing Cow light cheese for lunch. Went to the park with my child and ran around and played in the sunshine, but it was awfully cold. Came home and went out for a walk for about 20 minutes. Still felt great. Drank lots of water. Made Cheerio bars with my daughter (mistake #1) and had one (which fit into my calories just fine but obviously was a sugar trigger). I was fine even after that, didn't want anymore bars, felt great. Then my husband, who is leaving tomorrow for a couple weeks, said/did something that seemed pretty irrational to me, and then he left. I got this horrible, crazy, out of control feeling come over me, started pacing and thinking of food, and remembered the chocolate truffles he had made a couple of times while he's been here. They've been in the fridge, in my face every time I opened the door, but I hadn't given in. Suddenly, I had to eat them. All. I went dashing to the fridge and... they were GONE!! Unbelievable. I think he ate them! I was so mad it was almost funny! (I am relieved they were gone, now, but still). Suddenly I had to have that prime rib stroganoff. I could have it for dinner and be ok on the calories, still, with one serving. 4 PM is early for dinner, but I was desperate. I made a small bowl, less than a cup of stroganoff and ate it. Then I decided to eat some fruit to fill me up... some fresh pineapple and a bit of plain yogurt. Then I made another bowl of stroganoff and ate it. Then I ate 2 more Cheerio bars. Then I started freaking out, didn't want to screw up my day, and got ahold of myself long enough to actually sit down and LOG my intake on Sparkpeople and see that I had eaten 1732 calories total for the day. Okay. I breathed. If I stop now, I am still ok on the calories. That's when I went back into the kitchen, searching for stuff to fry or dunk in melted peanut butter or ranch, opening cabinet after cabinet and staring into the freezer and considering deep frying a personal pizza, and in the midst of the craziness I heard myself, in the back of my mind, like a faraway voice on the wind: "Lynnnnn............Lyyyyyynnnnnnnnnn....." ever so faint like a whisper. And I listened and I stopped and sat down here to write, even though I still felt like eating until I exploded, and somewhere along the lines as I was typing this, I think my sanity came back.

I feel okay now. Better. Weird. The urgency to eat has passed... the crazy lady has gone off to whatever far corner of my mind she lives in, and I think I am going to be okay now. Maybe. Thanks for being there.

A Weight Update, and Head Games

Oh man, I am feeling rough. I have had a toothache for a couple of days now, with some swelling around the gums. It's gotten a little better today but I still feel like someone punched me in the side of the face. I feel kinda ill. The dentist is supposed to see me in about 2 weeks but if this isn't better in a couple of days I am going to try and get an "emergency" appointment. I hope it's nothing major! But I just feel icky from it and headachey.

So here's how I am doing, weight-wise. Two weeks ago I weighed 237. Last Monday, after a week of pretty good effort, I was down 2 pounds to 235. Today, a week of near perfect eating and exercise, I weigh 229. That's a 6 pound loss this week! Pretty darn good. I know I won't lose six pounds a week very often, but if I can do even six pounds a MONTH I will be thrilled.

Congratulations, right? It's great to have an 8 pound loss over the last two weeks. And I am so proud! But here's the head game I play with myself. What did I weigh on February 1? I weighed 230 pounds. So I have lost a whole one pound this month. One measly pound in three weeks! That sucks! And in fact, I also weighed 230 pounds on January 1! So I lost one pound in SEVEN weeks. How disheartening is that?? Because I gained 7 pounds during the first week of February, my really great 8 pound loss in two weeks actually looks like a crappy one pound loss in two MONTHS. THAT is the head game.

You know you've played it, if you've been trying to lose weight for long. You go all year, up and down. You stall, you gain 20 pounds, you stall and goof around some more. You finally get your act together and lose 30 pounds during the last 3 months of the year. WOW!! What an accomplishment! That's a fantastic loss by any definition. But then it dawns on you that you only weigh ten pounds less than you weighed a year ago. It took you a year to lose ten pounds. And you get so discouraged that you eat a box and a half of Twinkies and cry yourself to sleep, weeping, "I will never lose this weight! I will always be fat!"

That's the self-fulfilling prophecy. It's all in your head. And it's all in mine.

*I* get to choose how I look at this.
*I* get to decide whether to frame this as "one pound in two months" or "eight pounds in two weeks."
*I* choose my mindset. And the mindset I choose is success!

I am so thrilled I have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I feel very proud of myself for sticking to my plan, not giving in, and getting out of that rut. And I am going to let that pride and satisfaction carry me forward to lose even more weight.

Yesterday I ate well. I had 1545 healthy calories. My dinner was crazy though... it was prime rib stroganoff. Oh man, can you say dieting disaster?? My husband had cubed up some prime rib from a roast he bought and asked for stroganoff. I make a fantastic stroganoff if I do say so myself, although I usually use extra lean ground beef. The prime rib was decadent (and calorific!) but I did my best to make the usual reduced fat sauce, served with No Yolks egg noodles. Now let me tell you, I can eat a whole pan of stroganoff. I totally have issues. In the past I HAVE eaten ALL the leftovers in the same night, after dinner. I just can't stop eating the stuff. I knew this. What to do?

Well, what I have been doing is making a big pan of steamed, sliced yellow summer squash and using them as my "noodles" with the sauce over the top. That saves a lot of calories right there. But I knew... I just KNEW I was going to flip out and overeat it. So in addition to the steamed squash, I warmed a can of sliced mushrooms and roasted a pan of broccoli with garlic. At dinner, I heaped my plate with an ungodly amount of squash and mushrooms and a good helping of broccoli, and then gave myself ONE serving of stroganoff over the squash. Oh my, was it good. It was amazing. I savored every bite. And those vegetables totally saved me. By the time I finished my plate I was stuffed (and although in general I try to avoid being stuffed, it was the lesser evil in this case... stuffed with squash vs. stuffed with prime rib stroganoff). I was uncomfortably full but I sat there, eyeing the pan of stroganoff. I *still* wanted to eat it. I left the table and did something else. All night I thought about that stroganoff and wanted to eat the whole pan. I just told myself, "wait until bedtime, and then you can eat the whole pan of stroganoff AND a Boston cream pie... in your dreams! No calories."

And I did, too. I dreamed of stroganoff. Hey, I never said I was normal :)

Today was a good day. My food has been weird because of the sore tooth:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave, Egg Beaters/turkey sausage/spinach/lite cheese on a Double Fiber English muffin with a Clementine. I also got a small nonfat mocha from McDonald's as a treat. I rarely drink coffee and this time it made me WIRED. I think half a small would be better for me.

Lunch: blackberry nonfat yogurt and one hard boiled egg

Snack: mug of homemade chicken stock (from my Magic Chicken Soup recipe) and a wasa crisp flatbread with a wedge of Laughing Cow Light cheese on it.

It is cold and raining... no walking today. I will definitely bike and strength train later. I am low on the veggies, so I think I will make some steamed asparagus tonight for dinner... with maybe egg salad. Yeah, that sounds good. (I looove egg salad...made with light mayo... on top of steamed asparagus. SO good.)

My daughter has been sick for several days but she is improving. My husband is leaving again on Wednesday. Life goes on... and the weight comes off.

Building a Great Salad

I was always one of those people who HATES salad. For years, I turned my nose up at anything lettucey, because that was "diet food" or "rabbit food." After all, no one really *likes* to eat salad, right? It's deprivation food. Or so I thought.

I admit there was a kind of salad I loved. It started when I was a kid and my obese mother and her obese ladyfriend would take me to a restaurant for the salad bar, "because it was healthy" and they were always on diets (usually Weight Watchers). So I learned early on, salad is for dieting fat people. And I thought I was eating healthy, too, when they took me there. But what I put on my plate was the same every time: pile of iceberg lettuce, loads of grated cheese, heaps of bacon bits, scoops of croutons, and buckets of blue cheese dressing. (I am not kidding here. I must have put a solid CUP of dressing on each plate of salad, and I usually went back for seconds!) With this atrocity, I would eat a nice big soft white dinner roll, slathered in butter. And a Coke on the side, please. I kept that vision of "salad" into adulthood, with the only variation being the addition of a few peas and red onions to my plate. In fact, one of my favorite buffet meals remained that exact salad, dressing included, with the rolls and Coke. Is it any wonder I am fat?

But try to give me a "real" salad... without all the fatty dressing... with vegetables in it and a (gag) vinaigrette on top, and I would rather starve. I hate salads, that was my mantra. They're cold, and not filling, and bland, and it's like eating grass. Blech.

I learned not long ago that, in fact, I LOVE salads!! It started with Kath Eats Real Food. I'd look at her salads and think, those are amazing!! I would actually eat that! And some of the stuff she puts in a salad, I never would have imagined. I started experimenting, and over the past year and a half I figured out how to build a salad that is not only nutritious and reasonable in calories, but also filling and delicious! A great salad is a joy to eat.

That said, here's how to build a GREAT salad!

Start with the basics:

The bowl: when I make a salad for myself, for lunch or dinner, I make it in a big mixing bowl. That gives you room to toss things around and make sure things are mixed the way you like. I hate having a salad in a small bowl with all the toppings on TOP. I want them mixed through!

The greens: this is your base. Start with something besides iceberg, for heaven's sakes. (And I used to think I hated Romaine lettuce, but I don't). Try some new lettuces, Romaine, Bibb, Butter, Field Greens, whatever. If you want some iceberg for crunch add some in. If you want to use bagged salad, that's fine. I do that when I am busy. I always add baby spinach to my salads. It's very good for you. My usual standby is baby spinach and Romaine. Maybe 3 or 4 cups worth.

The vegetables: add some veggies that *YOU* like. Don't put in stuff you hate. I like cauliflower, orange bell peppers, broccoli (broccoli slaw... bagged... is good too). Anything goes, here, so whatever you have on hand can work. If you only have a carrot, grate it in. You don't *have* to add veggies. Ideas: sliced zucchini or yellow squash, cucumbers, tomatoes/cherry tomatoes, jicama strips, cabbage, red onions, and my favorite: petite green peas (I keep a bag of frozen peas and just thaw them in hot water, dry them and toss them in the salad). Canned or leftover cooked veggies can go in too: asparagus or green beans are great!

The protein: Now pick something to add for protein. My usual choice is chicken (I keep cubed chicken breast in the fridge or freezer). Leftover Rotisserie chicken is good. (I usually add 3 to 5 ounces of meat to my salad). Leftovers in general work well, too: I have added sliced pork loin, sliced steak, leftover lean taco meat, turkey, salmon, or other fish. Canned tuna works. A hard boiled egg is nice, or just a couple of hard boiled egg whites, chopped. Canned beans are a healthy protein source: kidney beans, chick peas, pintos. I guess some people use tofu, but I haven't tried that. Edamame is good, though. Just make sure you include at least one protein source in your salad.

Now for the fun. You need some stuff for texture and flavor. Choose one from each category.

Fruit: great to add some sweetness and variety. I never thought I would enjoy fruit in my salad but I really do! My favorites are pomegranate seeds, mandarin orange segments (or a sectioned Clementine), cubed apples, or pear slices. I've also used sliced strawberries which taste great with spinach. Sometimes, if I don't have an appropriate fresh fruit, I'll add a tablespoon of dried fruit instead: craisins, dried cherries, or golden raisins.

Nuts: crunchy, nutritious, delicious. My favorite is toasted pine nuts, YUMMY. I love sliced almonds or chopped walnuts. You can use any nut you like, or a seed like pumpkin seeds or sunflower seeds. Limit this to about 1 tablespoon because they are calorie dense. Candied pecans are divine but watch the sugar content... some are worse than others.

Cheese: I think this is essential for flavor, but you could leave it out. For me it makes the salad feel decadent. My favorite is Gorgonzola. You can buy it crumbled in a tub. One tablespoon has only 40 calories, and provides so much flavor! I never use more than 2 tablespoons. Feta is another good choice. Shredded sharp cheddar is nice, too. A lot of people like goat cheese, but I am not fond of it. Shredded fresh Parmesan is also tasty. Just a small amount of cheese goes a long way. You can used reduced fat cheese if you prefer.

Extras: these are for variety and flavor, to make the salad interesting. Sometimes I add 3 marinated artichoke hearts (from a jar... 25 calories for 3), or a piece of crisp crumbled bacon (40 calories). Occasionally, but not often, I add a few croutons or crunchy chow mein noodles. Other ideas include sliced black olives, cooked wheat berries (I haven't tried them but will, soon), a few slices of avocado, or capers.

Dressing: this will make or break your salad. If you use a high calorie, fat-laden dressing, you kill your salad. If you use a dressing you hate, you'll hate your salad. So use one you like. Try different kinds. Try making your own... there are lots of recipes online and they are usually very easy to make. There are also Wishbone salad sprays that have virtually no calories. And I had a friend who never used dressing on her salad; instead, she just sprinkled it with Lemon Pepper. It does taste very fresh that way. But I usually prefer dressing.

My standby dressing, that I make and keep in the fridge:
Put 1 cup of apple cider (cider, not juice) in a pan with 2 Tablespoons of apple cider vinegar and simmer on medium low heat on the stove for about 5 minutes, until it's reduced a bit. Add 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard, a bit of freshly ground black pepper, and a dash of salt, and whisk until incorporated. That's it. You can put a few tablespoons of this (still warm) over a spinach salad, and then take the rest, put it in a glass jar with a lid and keep it in the fridge. Shake before using. I pour this on almost all my salads. Yummy and simple.

Occasionally I want a creamy blue cheese dressing, and that's when I use 2T of Marie's Lite Chunky Blue Cheese which comes in a jar in the refrigerated dressing section. It's sooo good and rich and thick, tastes like full fat, and has only 80 calories in 2T. (I omit the cheese from my salad if I use this dressing, and often add a bit of vinegar to dilute the thick dressing).

I also like Kraft Fat Free Zesty Italian once in awhile. But I prefer a simple vinaigrette.

If you're ever stuck with a high fat dressing, say, at a restaurant, ask for it on the side. Then just dip your fork in the dressing for each bite. That way, you get a taste of dressing in each bite without smothering the salad. I usually use about 2T of dressing on a huge restaurant salad when I dip my fork this way... much less than the half cup they usually dump over it.

Now, to recap:

2-3 c. greens + your favorite veggies + 3-4 oz protein + 1/4-1/2 c. fruit + 1T nuts + 1-2 T. cheese + extras + a good dressing = A GREAT SALAD!!

My Sunday salad was: 1 c. Romaine, 2 c. baby spinach, 5 oz Rotisserie chicken breast, 2 T feta cheese, 1 T slivered almonds, 1/2 apple (diced), 3 artichoke hearts, and homemade Apple Cider Dressing. Delish!

Try different things. It might make a salad lover out of you! If you have a favorite dressing or dressing recipe, or a salad ingredient you enjoy that wasn't listed here, please leave it in the comments! Salad isn't about deprivation anymore... it's about indulgence!

The Key

I wish I could bottle the way I feel and send it out to all of you who are struggling. Of course, I'd have to save up several bottles for myself too, because I sure can get my brain in knots sometimes and eat crap and feel horrible. But I am more convinced than ever that the key to success is in the food. You can lose weight eating junk food or processed meals, but long term, for me, the key is and always has been PRODUCE.

The reason I lost 60+ pounds? Because in August 2007, I started going to the local Farmer's Market and buying vegetables and fruit. I don't mean a few items; I went nuts. I bought some of everything. I'd come home with the entire back of the car PACKED with produce... 15 different kinds. Extreme? Yes. But I'm not made of money, so that meant I had to actually *eat produce* at a very accelerated rate all week in order to avoid it spoiling and going to waste. When you are that focused on eating fruits and veggies, everything else falls into place. I didn't count calories, I didn't exercise. I just swamped myself with produce.

When winter came, I found a favorite grocery store with a nice produce section and started buying from there as if I were at the Farmer's Market. It worked, for awhile. Then I *forgot* and did other things. Now that I am back on track with the produce, everything else is, indeed, falling back into place. This week, the produce in my house has been:

zucchini, yellow summer squash, acorn squash, butternut squash, onions, garlic, peppers, tomatoes, romaine, baby spinach, baby carrots, celery, jicama, sweet potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus, kale, rutabaga, canned pumpkin, green beans, sweet peas, strawberries, blueberries, a pear, watermelon, lemons, bananas, apples, Clementines, fresh pineapples, and red grapefruit.

That's in ONE WEEK. And you'll see that it isn't all sitting in the fridge rotting, either; it's showing up on my menus. I have eaten almost ALL of that produce in one week. What's left will be eaten within 2 more days. Do you think I have time to eat crap when I am busy eating so much produce?? Nope.

I feel so much better and more energetic this way. That, in turn, leads to more exercise. And all of this combines to create weight loss and better health. I've always said, if I had one tip for weight loss to offer, it would be: buy a TON of produce, and then eat it all.

Here's my menus from yesterday and today:

Friday:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave nectar, fresh blueberries, oatmeal cooked with ground flax, canned pumpkin, cinnamon, vanilla, and 1 tsp brown sugar, topped with walnuts and real maple syrup and 2% milk, and a cup of green tea.

Snack: watermelon, blueberries, and Greek yogurt drizzled with honey

Lunch: (we went out to lunch) Grilled wild salmon on a huge bed of Romaine with cherry tomatoes, shredded Parmesan, about 4 croutons. I ordered the Caesar dressing on the side and dipped my fork in it for each bite. I used about 2 T. and drank unsweetened iced tea. Had one dill pickle spear from my kid's plate :)

Snack: tea with milk and agave nectar, and a sugar free jello with whipped cream

Dinner: 4 oz Rotisserie chicken (no skin), crispy fresh kale chips, and a huge helping of Cauliflower Gratin (yummy).

Total calories: 1541. I biked 30 minutes, strength trained 20 minutes, and walked outside for 10 minutes. Drank 9 glasses of water.

Today:

Breakfast: Chai tea with milk and agave, mini bagel with turkey and 1 oz light cream cheese, 2 strawberries, and fresh watermelon, with a cup of green tea.

Lunch: 4 oz Rotisserie chicken and a huge serving of leftover Cauliflower Gratin, and an Enviga green tea soda (sugar free).

Snack: watermelon, and half of a homemade Cheerio bar.

Dinner: one waffle made from reduced fat Bisquick, topped with thick, creamy whole milk Greek Yogurt and about 1 1/4 cups of fresh blueberries + strawberries, topped with whipped cream and 1 T lite maple syrup (this was so fantastic and gorgeous it makes me wonder why I EVER ate junk). Also had one slice of crisp bacon and a Clementine.

Snack for later: kale chips.

Total calories today: 1288. I may have tea with a splash of milk and agave later as well. I drank 9 glasses of water, biked 30 minutes, walked about 30 minutes, and raked leaves for 10 minutes.

Feeling great. Thanks to the produce! Oh, and as promised, here's the roasted rutabaga recipe.

Tomorrow is my day off from biking and lifting. I succeeded in biking 6 days this week and strength training 3 days. I am thrilled. I'll still take a walk tomorrow if I can. Be well!

The Mental State of Losing Weight

Last night, I didn't feel like riding my bike. I was pretty tired and just wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the TV, melding into the fabric and becoming one with the furniture. I wanted to zone out. Not move. After all, I had biked the previous 4 days AND had strength trained twice. I deserved a little break, right? After all, I was tired.

But I got on the bike anyway. I told myself I would get on that bike even if all I did was pedal once every five minutes. I would sit on that bike even if I fell asleep and toppled off onto the floor. Why??

Because I want to have a fit mindset. I worked hard for the past 2 weeks pulling myself out of a rut of inactivity and overeating, and I'll be darned if I am gonna let myself backslide. Even if I didn't burn that many calories or get my heart rate up very much, I wanted to maintain the *habit* of getting on that bike every single day (except my one day off on the weekend). I knew that skipping one ride makes it easier to skip the next one, and the next one, until you're just *thinking* about exercising instead of doing it. I didn't want to go there again. So I got on the bike.

It's all about the mindset for me. If I am the fat girl, I am thinking about eating all the time. Thinking about all the food I wish I could have... fantasizing, wishing, moping around because I can't have a cheesecake. The fat girl mindset is the voice that tells me to eat more, eat junk, and skip exercise. It also is the voice that, when I wake up in the morning, says, "I hate my life." For a good part of the past ten years I have battled that voice. I never *really* hated my life, mind you. I am very blessed. I LOVE my life and am grateful for it. But THAT VOICE, it would ring in my groggy head first thing in the morning after a sugary binge, when I would wake up and hobble to the bathroom in pain and it would echo, "I hate my life." I never want to hear that voice again. Because frankly, when I am out of the sugar fog and am eating healthy foods, I *never, ever* hear that voice.

Last night I dreamed about candy all night. I had the most vivid dreams of peanut butter cups and M&M's ever. I ate them all night long, even after I would wake up to pee and then go back to bed. And I wasn't dreaming them on purpose, either. (I sometimes actually *try* to dream of a specific food I am craving or a buffet so that I can enjoy eating without any calories attached). But the dreams last night were so vivid that I actually was worried about gaining weight as I woke up. But then I remembered that I didn't *really* eat candy, so i was OK. And I didn't even want candy. I want vegetables.

Last night was one of many stepping stones to a healthy life. I got on that bike. Sure, I should have gotten on it earlier in the day so I wasn't exhausted, but I had no time yesterday. I was gone most of the day. So my options were limited. When I finally got the toddler in bed and finished some laundry, it was 8pm and I was dragging. But I knew I *needed* the habit of biking daily more than anything at this point, to stay in the groove. So I slunk down the stairs to the newly-set-up family room (where, by the way, now I have a clear area for the toddler to play or watch TV right next to me while I bike, so it should be much easier to bike in the mornings WITH her from now on). I hopped on the bike, set it for 30 minutes, and got going. I didn't push it too hard; I left the resistance lower than usual and I definitely pedaled more slowly. My heart rate didn't go way up, either. But I accomplished my very important goal of continuing to establish a daily exercise habit. No excuses. (Of course, if I was sick or something, I'd cut myself a break here, but I was just tired). I rode about 5 miles instead of the usual 7, but I am so proud of myself for sticking it out for the full 30 minutes.

Losing weight is about changing your mind. Changing habits and thoughts and losing the old voices that kept us fat and unhappy. It's hard but please know it is so worth it.

The scale is showing a change, but I'll save that for Monday's post :)

If you missed my review of the Beck Diet for Life, check it out. And have a super great weekend, with lots of healthy choices and movement! I'll be posting my menus all weekend either here or on Twitter.

Tired Tonight

I am beyond tired, but I wanted to report on my day. I think having a record like this of what I am eating and doing and how I feel will help me... and it also might help others who want to see a play-by-play account of how to go from a rut to a groove.

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave nectar, homemade breakfast burrito made of Egg Beaters, 2% Kraft Singles cheese, turkey sausage link, baby spinach, and a Carb Balance tortilla, with a Clementine and a cup of green tea.

Then I took my daughter out on errands. It was cold, overcast, and icky out, so no walking or going to the park today. BLAH. While I was out I got hungry, but I packed us some snacks.

Snack: bottle of Metro Mint Orange water (0 calories, 0 artificial sweeteners) and half of a Pecan Pie Larabar (excellent!)

By the time we got home I was wiped out and hungry (2 pm). However, I noticed something. When I was shopping, I did a lot of walking the aisles and my legs felt better. It was really noticeable... they just felt more stable and stronger, and I didn't feel as heavy. That was nice. A note on the lunch: ever since I was a kid (growing up back east), my favorite food has been bagels with cream cheese. I even wrote a poem about them in 3rd grade. I don't eat much white bread these days, nor cream cheese since it is a trigger for me (I have, sadly, eaten 3/4 of a block of Philly before in one sitting). But I decided to splurge for lunch.

Lunch: one mini bagel with 1 ounce of light Philly cream cheese and 3 oz deli turkey meat on it (this was sooo good), 5 baby carrots with 2 T hummus, one fresh pear (sliced), 2 fresh strawberries, and a half cup of diced watermelon. (As you can see, I got lots of fruit at the store).

Then I got busy moving furniture and cleaning, and before I knew it, it was dinnertime. Then I hit a wall and was so exhausted I thought I was not be able to complete making dinner, so my teenage son came in and shredded cheese, chopped lettuce, and warmed beans for me. What a sweety. I still was almost falling asleep in my plate.

Dinner: I made tacos but I had a taco salad instead. Huge pile of romaine lettuce, with salsa, light sour cream, 5 oz extra lean ground beef seasoned with taco spice, 1/4 c. shredded light sharp cheddar, a spoonful of Vegetarian refried beans (no lard in these), and one corn taco shell crumbled on top. Very tasty and filling.

Total calories for today so far: 1379. I may have a cup of tea or a sugar free jello later. I am really tired but I plan to at least *sit* on the bike tonight for a half hour. I got the converter box hooked to the TV so now I have lots to watch while I bike. Even if I pedal really slowly, I will be on it tonight. Unless I fall asleep and fall off.

The Complete Beck Diet for Life Review & Giveaway

I've just written a review of The Complete Beck Diet for Life: The Five-Stage Program for Permanent Weight Loss by Dr. Judith Beck (the new "Beck book" that just came out). If you'd like to read the review, click here.

I'm also giving away one copy of the book. Read the review to find out how to enter the drawing! Open to residents of USA *and Canada.* A winner will be announced on Tuesday, February 24. If you'd like to purchase a copy, it's available on Amazon.

Wednesday Windup

Just wanted to report in that I had another good day. I'm feeling so much better now that I am off the junk and out of the rut. Losing weight is HARD. It is. But it is worth it, for the weight loss AND the better health. My emotions are in such a better place when I am not eating crap foods.

This morning I had my Chai tea with milk and agave nectar, and then took my daughter to playgroup. Then came home for breakfast.

Breakfast: 1/3 cup fresh blueberries, bowl of stone ground Scottish oats with agave nectar and vanilla and a splash of 2% milk, and green tea.

Then I cleaned, did laundry, and vacuumed and got my heart rate up. After that, I biked for 30 minutes even though I had no TV to watch (need to hook up the converter box).

Snack: Greek Gods Cinnamon Orange Vanilla yogurt (sooo good).

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Panini and about 8 spears of steamed asparagus, and a can of Enviga sugar-free green tea soda.

After that, I picked up my daughter and we went to the park. We played for about 20 minutes. I had so much fun! She was shouting, "come up with me Mommy!" and I was climbing up the ladders, the climbing wall, the steps, across the bridge and down the slides together several times. One slide was extra narrow and I *barely* was able to slide my ample hips down that thing without getting stuck! But it felt good knowing I did it and it will be "looser" this summer.

When I came home, I went outside and raked the front yard for about 10 minutes. I just wanted to get some more sun and get my heart rate up. I was really sweating! After that I was tired but decided to take a short, 5-10 minute walk down the block just to get my heart rate back down slowly. On my way back, a lady pulled over in tears asking if I had seen her lost dog. I hadn't, but I wanted to help, so I walked all the way back around the block looking for the dog. It felt good to be able to help (even though I didn't find her dog)... at least I had the option of walking that far. Two years ago? Not even an option. Then I went inside.

Snack: Slim Jim and a sugar-free cherry Jello with whipped cream.

Dinner: 1.5 cups of homemade ham and bean soup (made from a ham bone simmered in low sodium chicken broth with onions, garlic, carrots, 15-bean mix, tomatoes, celery, bay leaves, and seasonings) and a handful of peeled raw broccoli stems dipped in light Ranch.

I feel great. I am going to lift weights as soon as I am done typing.
Total calories so far today: 1262 and 10 glasses of water. I might have a cup of tea later, and if I get hungry maybe a small snack under 100 calories.

Great News!!

I couldn't wait to share!! My mammogram came back great! I am so, so relieved I feel like I just lost 50 pounds, no kidding. I feel lighter. It was scary for me. I had 2 mammograms last year that had "areas of concern" but not bad enough to want to biopsy them just yet, so I was supposed to have a follow-up mammogram last fall to see if the spots had grown or changed. But with no insurance I just kept putting it off. Well, this time they did a TON of films, magnifications and such and the radiologist looked and said NOTHING looks bad or worse, and I don't have to come back in for another one for a YEAR! Oh I am beyond thrilled. And the very nice, sweet tech who did my films gave me a form to fill out for some financial assistance so I am crossing my fingers on that as well. I feel so blessed today! Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts.

Here's my food so far today:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave nectar, Weight Watchers Breakfast Quesadilla (I found another box in the freezer but still won't buy more due to sodium content), half a cup of ruby red grapefruit segments, and green tea.

Then I took my daughter to ballet. When we got home, I had:
Snack: 4oz 2% cottage cheese topped with 2/3 c. fresh pineapple, 1 T walnuts, and a drizzle of honey.

Then I saw the sun was out, and it was 47 degrees so I took my mini-dog and my daughter to the park. We walked, fed the geese, and played at the playground for about 45 minutes. It was nice. I do 100% better with my eating when I get some sun or even just fresh air each day.

After that, I showered and went to the pharmacy for my daughter's new meds (sinus infection) and to the mammogram. When I got home, I was starving.

Lunch (3pm): huge plate of steamed fresh asparagus with salt, topped with one egg fried in Pam. And a mug of hot tea with 2% milk and agave nectar.

I wanted to bike but some people think taking a bath for 2 hours in the middle of the day is normal. So I will bike tonight while I watch the Biggest Loser instead.

I am making roasted broccoli with garlic and Parmesan for dinner (and maybe some chicken tenders too). If it turns out I will post the recipe (and I have to post the rutabaga recipe too). If I need a snack I will have a yogurt, and maybe more asparagus. I LOVE steamed asparagus, cold from the fridge with salt as a snack.

So far today: 761 calories, 6 glasses of water.

I feel fantastic. I think the worry of my health issues has really been weighing me down. I also feel like I have more control in my life now. I appreciate all your comments and I want you to know I am definitely being cautious and looking out for my kids and myself, #1. I will be very careful and I am not placing my trust anywhere it shouldn't be. But at least now I have some options, and that feels better to me. LIFE IS GOOD.

Monday Night Update

(Second post today)
Just an update on my day:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave nectar, homemade breakfast burrito (Egg Beaters, spinach, turkey sausage, light cheese in a Carb Balance tortilla), 1 Clementine, and green tea.

Then I rode my bike for 30 minutes and sweated my guts out.

Snack/Lunch: 6 almonds and a can of Starbucks Mocha (I know, I know...)

Then I headed out with the kids. I actually drank that Mocha to curb me from getting junk while I was out, and it worked. We went shopping, then went to the park. It was icky and cloudy but the temp was 47 degrees so I figured we would play for 10 minutes and then move on. But we got there and the sun came out! It was chilly but we stayed and played for an hour.

Then my daughter had gotten a Valentine with a coupon for a free McDonald's ice cream cone in it. We haven't had ice cream since fall, so we headed over to McD's. I got a small soft serve vanilla cone too, just like hers, and we both enjoyed them very much (while the boys pigged out on McFlurries). BTW a small cone is 150 calories.

When we got home I made tea with milk and agave nectar.

Dinner: 1 waffle made from low fat Bisquick, topped with one spoonful of strawberries, 1 T. lite syrup, 4 ounces of 2% cottage cheese, and a CUP of fresh pineapple chunks. I had half a Clementine on the side, and one piece of bacon.

Then I lifted weights for 30 minutes. And then I sat on the bed and meditated and tried to calm myself because my heart was racing because 1) I have a followup mammogram tomorrow afternoon and I am scared to death AND have no insurance, and 2) I was nervous about an upcoming "discussion" with husband. (Which lasted a couple hours, and I guess he wants to try and reconcile, and I feel absolutely sick because I was so resigned to divorce and now I just don't know what I feel. But enough of that.) I hope, hope hope I have no cancer growth on the mammo. Pleaaaaaaaase let it be all normal and ok. I just want them to tell me I am fine and let me go home. (I know I am a baby and a whiner about this, but after the other medical stuff last year I am a little gun shy.)

Anyway, a good day with lots of activity. Total calories for today: 1308
Another good day tomorrow.

Kind Words

When I was a kid, my parents taught me to be polite. You didn't point at people or stare and whisper when you saw someone who was different. My Dad taught me that there was always a backstory. That homeless guy begging on the street was somebody's son. He might have fought in Vietnam. That kid with one arm is already suffering enough without you making fun of their difference. The bald kid might have cancer. He taught me to treat everyone with dignity and think before I speak.

This lesson was driven home for me when I was in third grade. My parents had taken me to the eye doctor and found that I needed glasses. I was still innocent enough that I didn't associate anything negative with glasses. In fact, my Dad got me all excited about it. He had glasses... I was going to look really great! My parents made a game out of it by taking me for a new haircut on the same day that I got my new glasses. "Your friends and your teacher will think there is a new student in the class! Won't it be fun to surprise them?" I couldn't wait to go back to school with my new look!

My happiness was shattered on the playground with taunts of "four eyes! four eyes! four-eyed freak!" I went home in tears. I never wanted to wear those glasses again. But I had to. And I endured those taunts from the mean kids for a long time. It taught me what compassion means at a very early age.

When I had children of my own, I tried to teach them to be polite. Comments about a person's age, or weight, or missing arm were not okay. Even when they were very small, I could often see the little light bulb go on in their heads when they saw something they'd never seen before: a woman with a beard, a child with no foot, a morbidly obese woman. But to my relief they usually just looked at me and then waited until we were alone to ask me about it. It gave me many opportunities to teach them about WHY people are different without hurting anyone's feelings. I mean, little kids naturally blurt things out sometimes... they don't always have the understanding that what they are saying could hurt someone. So when I hear a little one in the grocery store saying "Mommy does that lady have a baby in her tummy?" or "Mommy why is that big man riding a scooter in here?" I know they are innocent questions, not meant to hurt. Much like the time my very verbal 2-year-old son saw a dark-skinned woman in a checkout line and blurted out, "LOOK! That lady is made of chocolate!!"

So it was that last fall, I was walking with my 3-year-old daughter in the airport. It was late at night, and we had a long layover and delayed flight. As we walked around the airport, it wasn't very crowded. The people who were there seemed as tired as we were. Everyone looked like they just wanted to get home and go to bed. As we walked, a very large woman slowly walked past us, looking tired. My daughter glanced over and in a loud voice, started to comment. I knew the lady was within earshot and I had NO idea what my daughter was about to say. Out it came: "Mommy! That lady is BEAUTIFUL!" The lady stopped, turned around and smiled at my daughter, and said, "Thank you! You are so sweet!" And she walked off with a smile on her face and her head held a little higher. And she WAS beautiful... she had on a very pretty dress and jewelry, had her hair done and was well groomed, and that is what my daughter saw. Not her morbid obesity. Her beauty. It made me really proud.

Well, yesterday went okay eating-wise. I had oatmeal with apples for breakfast and a big spinach/romaine salad with salmon in it for lunch. The waffle dinner didn't happen, and I ended up with a cup of Easy Mac and some leftover chocolate-dipped fruit. And the truffles... I had 4. I didn't exercise because I always take one day off per week, and that was my day.

My successes this week: I ate well most of the time. I had 2 days of going off plan, but 5 great days. I biked six days and strength trained two days. I feel like I got my exercise habit back on track and I feel great about that! I also lost 2 pounds this week: started last Monday at 237, and today I was 235. I am PMSing at the moment, and rather bloated, so hoping for a better loss this week.

Now I am off to ride my bike and run errands. Have a super Monday :)

Saturday Night Update

This is my second post for today, an update on my food.

I was really upset about how poorly I felt I ate today. I had a lot of negative feelings about it. I had an unpleasant exchange with you-know-who today and it left me feeling frustrated and unsettled. I had bingey feelings for most of the second half of today, and it was rough.

Breakfast: Chai tea with 2% milk and agave nectar, 1 egg fried in Pam, 1 slice of wheat toast with 1 tsp butter, and a heap of leftover asparagus and leeks, with a cup of green tea. And one strawberry.

Snack: 1 string cheese and a Fuse sugar free pomegranate drink

Lunch: 1/3 of a banana, 1/3 of an apple, 1 Clementine, 1 cup of fresh pineapple, 5 strawberries, 1/3 cup of blueberries, and 3/4 cup of red seedless grapes... dipped in dark Belgian chocolate (flowing from the fountain... approx 3 oz)

Then, the unpleasant conversation occurred. I took my kids and went to the park. I walked a lot, and played with them. The sun was even out some of the time, but I felt so sad. I felt... hopeless. It was hard. I wish I didn't let him affect me that way. I just tried to enjoy my kids and the fresh air. I did enjoy it, but... well... there was an underlying fear, and feeling of uncertainty.

Went home, and started thinking about dinner. My husband had brought home ribeye steaks. Lots of them. He got a good price I guess. But I started getting upset in my head. They are my favorite cut of beef, but they are SO FATTENING. He also brought home stuff to make waffles and bacon for dinner this week, and full-fat cream cheese and chocolate to make truffles. And *he has the right.* I cannot control what he eats. But, I started letting it get in my head.

"I have to make ribeye steaks for dinner tonight. I love ribeye steaks. I will never lose weight eating ribeye steaks."
"Tomorrow he will make those waffles and bacon for dinner and how the heck can I lose weight eating waffles and bacon?"
"Truffles?!? And my daughter is helping him make them. How can I say no when she offers me one that she made, so proud of herself? And how long will there be truffles in the house, tempting me every day? This is impossible."

I felt overwhelmed and got that "giving up" feeling. And I was hungry. I got a sugar free jello with a bit of whipped cream on it. Then I got myself a serving of baked pita chips and hummus. Then I started going rounds with the fat chick in my head:

"May as well eat that leftover birthday cake."
"NO! I didn't even like it!"
"Well then, go to the store and buy a pie. Or a whole box of chocolates, and eat them all before you come home. And a Starbucks latte sounds good."
"NO! I won't do that. I don't want to be fat!"
"You're already fat. It doesn't matter."
"It matters to ME!"
"You deserve a latte. After all, you're having ribeye steaks tonight so you're going to be way over your calories anyway. Tomorrow, too, with waffles, bacon, truffles..."
"NO! I don't care. I am NOT going to binge."
"Yes, you are. That German chocolate frosting sounds good..."
(Then I opened the lid to the cake)
"Yum! Take a piece! It will make you feel better!"
"NOOO!"
(Then I took a fork and took one bite of cake.)
"STOP IT. You do NOT need that cake."
(Then I put the lid back on and drank 16 ounces of water and got out of the kitchen).

After that, I was exhausted. But I had to make dinner. I ate:

One ribeye steak with all the fat trimmed off, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes, 1/4 cup leftover roasted rutabagas, 1/2 cup steamed green beans.

I had several strawberries with a small bit of dark chocolate afterwards.

Then, frustrated, I sat down and calculated my calories. It was much better than I thought: 1988. Whew. I am glad I didn't give up and give in.

Now, although I am totally wiped out, I am going to ride my bike for a half hour, because tomorrow is my day off from riding. I might even lift weights tonight, but I dunno. One thing I learned this week: the late night rides have got to stop. I am exhausted too often. I feel so much better when I ride earlier in the day. I will find a way to remedy that this week. But for now, off to ride. Low cal day tomorrow.... waffles and truffles or not.

My Valentine to You

My wish for you this Valentine's Day is to find love for yourself in your heart. I know lots of us are lonely, and Valentine's Day just seems to be rubbing it in our faces that we don't have what "other people" seem to have: love, partnership, someone to hold. I know how painful it can be to wake up knowing that people all over are getting cards, flowers, gifts, and hugs. Lovers are celebrating, going out to dinner, expressing their undying love for each other. If you're not in a relationship, that can hurt.

Please know you are valuable and worth loving. YOU ARE WORTH LOVING. And even if other people don't shower you with love on this day, please shower *yourself* with love.

*Walk into your bathroom. Look in the mirror. Look into your eyes, and say, "I love you." Seriously. Just do it. You need to hear those words. The results can be profound.

*Buy yourself some flowers, or a CD, or a bubble bath as a gift to yourself... just to say I love you.

*Care for your body the way you deserve to be cared for. Take this one day, and really, truly care for yourself. Eat things that nourish you. Rest. Enjoy something that brings you peace. Curl up with a book and some tea, or go out for a walk in the sunshine. Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend or your most loved partner, so that by the end of the day you feel treasured and comforted.

And if you're so inclined, go back and read my post from last Valentine's Day as well.

How will I celebrate the day? Well, I used to buy chocolates. And I also used to bake. Chocolate cheesecakes, pies, frosted cookies, whatever. I would shower myself and my children with sugar as a measure of affection. But that all changed last year. I still wanted to do something special (and even *sweet*, since I rarely buy candy/cookies/etc anymore for the kids). So last year I bought a Chocolate Fountain. We used it last year and will use it again today. It's a real celebration for the kids! I bought a ton of fruit that I will cut up and place on the table for everyone to use with the fountain: seedless red grapes, banana chunks, apple slices, Clementine segments, strawberries, blueberries (on toothpicks), kiwis, fresh pineapple chunks. It's a great way to get tons of fruit into the kids, and I love it too. I just have to make sure I don't go overboard with the dipping!

So, that will be our day. I wrote Valentine notes for my children, we'll have our chocolate fountain this afternoon, and then I am grilling steaks (yes it in still freezing cold outside but I don't care). I plan to grill a ton of veggies, skip the potatoes tonight, and have a small piece of steak with the fat trimmed off. I will go for a walk outside when the sun is out, and I will bike 30 minutes. I might even strength train if I have time. (And yes I did bike last night for a half hour, and my calorie intake for yesterday was 1950).

Speaking of calories, here is how the week went:
Mon: 1481
Tues: 2764
Weds: 1589
Thurs: 1545
Fri: 1950
Average per day: 1866
So to keep with the 1750 daily average I am shooting for, I need to eat 2921 calories this weekend (1460/day average.) I think if I do that, I'll lose for the week.

Happy Valentines Day!

I did it!

I survived a birthday foodfest!! I am so thrilled with myself. I posted earlier today about my food/activity up through lunch. Since then, things were a bit iffy for awhile, but I got through it and I am SO proud of myself.

We had cake. I stuck with my one piece. It was NOT that good. I probably should have just left it on the plate, but I did that thing where you keep eating it, trying to make it taste like you want it to taste. Doesn't work. But I had my piece, and then got started making the dinner I mentioned earlier.

At dinner, I took one look at the meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy and thought about how much of that stuff I have eaten in the past, and how much I *could* inhale if I let it get away from me this time. In the past, 3 or 4 thick slices of meatloaf were the norm, plus 3 heaping servings of potatoes with gravy (plus rolls... can you believe I *always* used to make rolls for any dinner involving gravy... and I *always* would eat at least 3, but usually 4 or 5 (or 6) buttered dinner rolls with all that food. Heck, I probably ate 3-4 Tablespoons of butter on those rolls, easy. This time I was in the grocery store, picked up a nice big loaf of bakery bread to have with dinner "for the kids," and then realized I would eat half of it with butter myself, so I put it back and got outta there). So tonight, in the moment as I was gazing upon this food, I grabbed the tongs and started heaping green beans on my plate. I'd steamed a big bowl of frozen green beans. I just kept adding them and adding them to my plate... at least a cup and a quarter of green beans. I figured if I ate all those green beans, there is no way I could pig out on meatloaf and taters. It worked. I ate all the green beans, a slice of healthy turkey meatloaf, and maybe a cup of potatoes with a bit of gravy. I also ate about a half cup of rutabagas roasted in olive oil (very good... recipe to come). By the time I got all the veggies down I was pretty stuffed. I *wanted* to eat more, but I couldn't. I ended up taking another 1/4 slice of meatloaf and 1/4 cup of potatoes and that was all I could handle. I was too full and felt like I might be sick, but I wanted cake. Go figure.

Yes, that stupid, fluffy, tasteless, boxed cake was dancing in my head, even though I was so full I could puke. But I knew I didn't really want it. It wasn't a very good cake. And thankfully, I'd bought 4 different kinds of sugar free, nearly calorie free jello cups at the store today, so if I want a sweet ending I can have one of those later. But for now, I feel done.

I am sooo tired from the long day but I am going to bike as soon as I am done typing this. I will try to ride for at least 20 minutes. I told myself, I have to do ten, at least, and then if I hate it I am going to stop. Something is better than nothing. I'm going to bed early tonight. Hoping for a few pounds gone for this week when I report on Monday.

Cake?

Oh man, I am sooo tired. But I have to tell you. It's not the horrible ate-too-much-junk tired. You know THAT tired, when you feel like a slug because you have zero energy from eating sugar and grease and all manner of culinary atrocities. No, I am not *that* kind of tired. I'm the tired you get after a solid, busy day or an afternoon doing yard work or an hour shoveling snow. I feel tired, but alive. Oxygenated, vibrant, and ready to sleep. I have a few hours to go, though.

Anyway, today went like this:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave, large bowl of whole ground Scottish Oatmeal with cinnamon, vanilla, pumpkin pie spice, 1 tsp brown sugar, canned pumpkin, toasted walnuts, a drizzle of real maple syrup, and a splash of 2% milk. Terrific. And a cup of hot green tea.

Then it was off to the library, the doctor (for my daughter), and the grocery store (for food and medicine). We were gone for almost 5 hours, but I did not stop for fast food. I packed some snacks.

Snack: Clif Nectar dark chocolate walnut bar, bottle of Metro lemon mint water.

Got home hungry (and once again wishing I'd brought string cheese) and made lunch.

Lunch: 3 oz turkey rolled in a Carb Balance tortilla with romaine, spinach, Laughing Cow light cheese, mustard, and pickles with a side of hummus and baby carrots and 6 baked pita chips. I had an Enviga green tea soda (sugarfree) to drink.

Then we baked cake. Yes, I said we *baked cake.* No, I have not lost my marbles. It's a family birthday. I have been really nervous all week about a) the birthday and b) Valentine's Day. But I had a plan. Every year, for EVERY birthday, I bake whatever cake the birthday person requests... from scratch, and make the frosting too. I'm a great cook so it's always yummy. I decided I didn't want to tempt fate, so I went and bought a box cake mix and a can of pre-made frosting. I don't know when I have EVER done this before, much less on a birthday, but it seemed less tempting to me. I used the excuse that the 3-year-old wanted to make it herself (and she did). So we made a box cake (using Egg Beaters instead of eggs and adding some ground flax). I also "forgot" to buy ice cream (horror of horrors). Well, I admit I wouldn't do this to one of my kids, but other family members, they can just make do. So the box cake is made and sitting on the stove.

Then I asked my son to watch my little one and I walked outside for 10 minutes at a good pace. No sun this time, and not at all warm, but I felt like I needed to do it. That's a good sign, since I was already kinda tired from all the walking/shopping. When I came in, I made myself a nice cup of hot tea with milk and agave nectar. Now I'm just chillin.

My plan is to just have one small piece of the cake. Then I am making the special birthday dinner. It's low fat turkey meatloaf with mashed potatoes (made with skim milk), low fat gravy, and roasted rutabagas. (Huh? Rutabagas??) I've never had them before but I'm giving them a try. If they turn out yummy, I'll post a recipe. I'm also going to make steamed green beans. And after dinner, I'll bike.

I think I'll post an update later along with my Valentine's Day plans :)

Getting Out of the Rut

As I mentioned before, I think lots of us are, or have been, stuck in a rut. You know what I mean: you want to lose weight, you have all the best intentions, but you just keep spinning your wheels. Stuck in a rut... just like a car stuck in the mud. And just like that car spinning its wheels in the mud, the thing we need most to get out of the rut is traction. Traction and momentum.

Every time I slip up, I learn. I'm no expert, but this is how I see it. When we are stuck in the rut of either overeating or binge eating, in order to stop spinning our wheels we need some grab. I think of the times I've gotten my car stuck in mud or snow. What do you do to get free? Well, I was told to throw sand, dirt, or cat litter under the wheels to get some traction. And then, you gas it. You go forward a little, maybe even rock back and forth a few times, but then gas it and DON'T LET UP or you slip right back. Keep going, get momentum on top of that grip, and your car goes forward out of the rut.

My traction is accountability. When I stop ignoring the volumes of food I am eating and FACE it... write it down... confess it... then it makes me stop and think. It's not just about tastes and textures and escaping emotions anymore. It becomes reality: I am eating too much. I have to grab on (which is where support comes in... not that I am calling you guys kitty litter) and then give it some gas. One good day, then another good day, and another... until I've GOT a grip and the momentum carries me forward, out of the rut and onto the weight-loss highway.

It's working so far. Today looked like this:

Breakfast: Chai tea with skim milk and agave nectar, homemade breakfast burrito (Egg beaters, salsa, spinach, turkey sausage, light cheese on a Carb Balance tortilla), a Clementine, and some hot lemon green tea.

Then I took my daughter to gymnastics. I usually end up VERY hungry afterwards because we stay through lunch. In the past, we always went to Arby's or Sonic for burgers and fries afterwards. But I've been trying to pack some healthy snacks instead.

Snack: Clif Nectar bar (Lemon Vanilla Cashew) and 1/4 c Cracklin Oat Bran

Well, needless to say THAT did not tide me over for long. I should have brought string cheese and an apple, too. Lesson learned. Anyway, then we went shopping and by the time we got to the checkout I was losing it. And do you know what they had on a HUGE display at the checkout? BAGS of Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Hearts!!! OMG. I went into a daze imagining buying a bag of those, crazily tearing through the pink wrappers and chowing down on them in the car. "I could just have THAT for lunch and eat a salad for dinner to make up for it..." But then I snapped out of it and bought a 5-calorie green tea soda instead and headed home. Sipping the soda in the car made me feel more in control (although I sorely wanted Sonic or even Olive Garden). When I got home around 2, I made:

Lunch: half sandwich (loads of romaine, turkey breast, and dill pickles on one slice of whole wheat bread with a wedge of Laughing Cow Light Swiss cheese and mustard, with some baby carrots and raw cauliflower and 3T hummus.

After that, I felt great. I saw the sun peek out for JUST a few seconds so I flew out the door and walked again for a good 15 minutes. It was fairly overcast and very cold but I walked at a good pace and enjoyed it. When I got home, I noticed all the seed pods that had fallen from the tree in the front yard, so I grabbed a rake and went to work. I got about half of them raked up in 10 minutes (and raking is a HECK of a workout!) Then came in for some water.

I haven't made dinner yet, but I am thinking ravioli or something and a ton of veggies. I have eaten 981 calories so far and drank 8 glasses of water. After dinner, I'll lift weights and bike. I'll update on Twitter when I do (you can follow me on Twitter to see my menus and workouts that aren't posted here, or just look on the sidebar of this blog).

I know I am not home free yet. I have to watch it. But I can feel the momentum taking me forward. If you're struggling please think about what your traction would be. Would it help to post your menus on a blog or support forum, or report to a friend or spouse each night? The first day IS the hardest. After the momentum builds, it gets easier. And I feel happier than I have in awhile. Here's to no more spinning wheels.

Daily Choices

This was an interesting day.

Breakfast: Chai with skim milk and agave, homemade breakfast burrito (Egg beaters, turkey sausage, baby spinach, salsa, light cheese in a Carb Balance tortilla) with a Clementine and green tea.

Then I proceeded to do a marathon cleaning on the house, because it suffered a bit while I was sick for 9 days. I cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, living room and my bedroom. I sorted bills and paperwork. I did laundry. I got my heart rate up a LOT. I got hungry.

Snack: string cheese, 6 almonds, and an instant peppermint mocha (50 calories)

Worked some more, played with my daughter, got a lot done. Then I was starving. I was soooo hungry and wanted something fast.

Lunch: Lean Cuisine butternut squash ravioli with "double the vegetables"

Husband came home. It went OK. Then I saw the sun come out (it had gotten cold again and snowed) so I darted out the door and walked at a good pace in the sun for about 15 minutes. Heavenly!

Snack: apple

Was getting hungry again, but had to run errands. I had already planned a Tater Tot Casserole for dinner. In the past, I could eat a half pan of the stuff easily. It's too yummy. So I did two things.

1) Made it much lower fat/sodium: used 1 lb 96% lean ground round, cooked it, added 1 can each low fat/low sodium cream of chicken and cream of mushroom soup and a can of low fat evaporated milk, seasoned this with garlic Mrs Dash instead of salt. Simmered 5 minutes. Poured it in a pan, topped with the lowest calorie tater tots I could find (12 for 170 cal) and a little sprinkle of cheddar cheese, and baked at 450 degrees for 28 minutes. Usually this has green beans the bottom but my kids HATE green beans so I serve them on the side with other veggies they like.

2) I overwhelmed myself with vegetables at the dinner table: the green beans, raw baby carrots, raw cauliflower, and raw broccoli. It is hard to eat a lot of Tater Tot Casserole when you are munching down 2 or 3 cups of raw veggies and a cup of cooked green beans. I had one serving of the casserole and was completely satisfied.

Then, after I got my kids settled, I rode my bike for 20 minutes. I usually do 30 but it was enough at 20 (heck I was ready to quit at 2 minutes but I made myself stay on for 20).

Total calories today: 1589
12 glasses of water
Activity: my monitor says I burned more calories today than any other day so far... over 2500 so far. The pedometer registered 9043 steps (my highest ever... and pretty good for a fat lady with bad knees!) and I registered 56 minutes of activity (this thing generally underestimates a bit... when I ride 30 minutes, it counts about 17 minutes).

I'd call it a success. On another note, several of you mentioned that oatmeal can be a binge trigger. I think you're right!! I think I need to have a protein or produce snack instead of a carby, sugary snack. I do eat oatmeal for breakfast at least half the time and it never seems to cause a binge... only when I have it as a snack. I have noticed that I really don't get the binge signal in the morning, usually. It's almost always in the afternoon. My worst urges come between 2 and 5. Knowing that, I can plan ahead for healthy snacks (but no oatmeal!)

And I do read all your comments every morning with my tea, and it helps me find strength to get through the day. Thank you :)

It's Getting Easier (or is it?)

Morning Update:
Another good day today, and sooo exhausted!

My food:

Breakfast: Chai tea with 2% milk and agave. Egg Beaters scrambled with salsa, rolled in a Carb Balance tortilla with one turkey sausage and a slice of light cheese. One Clementine, half a banana, and a cup of lemon green tea.

Snack: string cheese, half a banana with 1/2 T peanut butter

Lunch: half a grilled cheese sandwich (1 slice whole wheat bread, a 2% American Single Cheese, grilled in 1 tsp butter), 1 cup of tomato-basil soup, and 1 grilled organic chicken/feta/spinach sausage.

Activity: I went out to run errands this morning and had some "lifestyle activity." I parked far from the store front, walked there and back plus a TON of walking in the store at a faster-than-usual pace. My step counter said 3875 steps when I got done, and registered 15 minutes of moderate activity. When I got home I was exhausted, and famished. But I had a great, satisfying lunch, took some anti-inflammatories and sat down on the couch to rest the knees (ouchie).

Cold, cloudy, icky outside... no sun today :(

Afternoon update (written later):
I started getting hungry around 2. I made myself a *small* bowl of rolled oatmeal with a bit of brown sugar, walnuts, a few dark choc chips and a splash of 2% milk. Up through the oatmeal, I was still within my calorie goal. It really hit the spot, but I am sensing now that perhaps that snack was a mistake...

Twenty minutes later I was getting the "binge" signals from my brain. I guess that's what it is... I don't know how to describe it. If you have a binge eating disorder maybe you know what I mean: it's an overwhelming... not a feeling but a drive... to EAT. I felt my energy drop and bottom out. I felt like eating ten boxes of cookies. I started pacing around, looking in the fridge, looking in the cabinets. I stopped myself, I went and did other things. But it was still there, this "binge" sensation. I was considering asking my son to watch my daughter so I could run to the store and BUY A PIE (!!!) but I stopped myself from THAT. I got a half serving of goldfish crackers (measured out) and savored them slowly, hoping that would help, but it didn't. Within 2 hours I ate: 4 pieces of dark chocolate, 6 oz of vegetable/wheatgrass/fruit smoothie, 3/4 of a mini personal pizza, 7 baked french fries with an ounce of cheese on them, dipped in light Ranch; 1/3 c. low fat mashed potatoes with a teaspoon of butter on them and a sprinkle of grated cheese; and a bowl of instant chocolate pudding made with low fat milk, with walnuts and dark chocolate chips sprinkled in.

The whole time I was inhaling the food, it was like an out-of-body experience. My mind was saying "you do NOT need this, you DON'T want to do this, you can stop" but it was SUCH A DRIVE. I don't know how else to explain it. But then when I was about halfway through the pudding, I suddenly felt normal again, and when I was done with the pudding, I felt completely satisfied, and done. And didn't want another thing.

I dunno. It's nuts. I know some of you think I over-analyze or whatever, but I am telling you that I couldn't rip myself away from the kitchen during those moments. I was clawing through the cabinets... LITERALLY... up on a stool, reaching way in the back, looking for ANYTHING like chips, cookies, anything. Fortunately I have none of my "standard binge foods" in the house. But *that* was not a matter of being weak, or giving in... it was something more than that. I am all about "just doing it" but in that moment it was no more an option for me to "just stop eating" than it is for an anorexic to "just eat." I am definitely going to have to do a few things differently. 1) Keep trying to find a counselor. 2) Don't eat carbs in the afternoon. 3) Chocolate chips are gonna have to go on the "ban" list for awhile. I'd been buying the extra dark organic ones from the bulk bin, just buying about 1/4 cup at a time so I can use them in oatmeal once in awhile or with walnuts as a snack. Maybe some other time, when I have a grip.

Anyway, it sucks to report this, but I am not here to thrill the masses. I am here to be accountable and fight whatever battles I need to to lose weight.

Calories for the day: 2764
Drank 9 glasses of water.
Going to lift weights for 20 minutes and then bike for 30 if my knees can handle it. And then soak in the tub.

And for those who asked... yes, I'm stressed, husband coming home tomorrow, daughter not feeling well, and the hospital screwed up her appointments and I have to call and deal with that tomorrow. But that's life, food won't fix it. I am really hoping that at least my husband being here will give me more time to focus on exercise.

Better day tomorrow.

Doing Better, Part II

If you haven't read Part I, it's here.

My day went really well. Here's the food:

Breakfast: tea/skim milk/agave, WW Breakfast Quesadilla
Snack: blueberries, 2 Clementines, green tea
Lunch: bits n pieces salad (I had to really scavenge the fridge to get enough for a salad) ... romaine, spinach, broccoli, carrots, brocco-slaw, chicken breast, Gorgonzola, slivered almonds, dried cranberries, homemade apple cider dressing and an Enviga sugar free sparkling green tea
Snack: unsweetened Greek yogurt with honey, blueberries, and a bit of flax granola; hot tea with a splash of milk and agave
Dinner: huge plate of leeks and asparagus cooked in a bit of olive oil, and a half serving of leftover homemade low fat chicken pot pie.
Total calories: 1457
Water: 12 glasses
Exercise: Biked (indoors) 25 minutes. My child was done playing on the computer after 10 minutes; I stopped biking and gave her Legos. She was done with that in 10 minutes; I gave her another toy. I got to 25 minutes and she was done! It got up to 48 degrees and the SUN came out!!! So we took a walk. After two weeks of almost total gloom, overcast, cold and despair, it was wonderful to go outside! The sun felt like heaven. It was like medicine to my body and soul. We walked maybe a mile. We played, then we came home and picked up the backyard a bit and then I sat in a chair and just soaked up that sun while she played. I feel like a new woman!

I'll probably have a cup of tea later tonight, and maybe a sugar free jello. That's it. I am SO tired, but a good tired. I know I will sleep better tonight.

Doing Better

What a crazy morning! But, as promised, a recap of my day so far:

Up at 6, with a headache and mild nausea. Probably because of yesterday (if you haven't read yesterday's post, go there first!) My Sensewear monitor (review coming soon) told me I only slept for 4 hours... even less than the 5-6 I estimated. No wonder I felt lousy.

Anyway, got up, and weighed in for the first time in several days. Not pretty: 237 pounds. That's up 7 pounds since the 1st of the month. Took a deep breath and sucked it up so I can get those pounds back off. I had my usual tea with skim milk and agave nectar. Then it was time to hurry and get ready to take the daughter to playgroup/daycare for the morning. She goes twice a week and I really savor those couple of hours to myself. The plan was to get right back home, bike 30 minutes, strength train 20 minutes, and do housework. But no. Do you think that could happen? Not even! I did manage to get her there in time, but there was, shall we say, an *incident* at the daycare which resulted in the "letting go" of the staff member and me taking my child home sobbing. I won't get into detail, because I *love* the daycare and the owner was so wonderful about the [awful] staff incident. However, instead of 3 hours biking and lifting and doing stuff, I spent 30+ minutes comforting my distraught child. But on the bright side, the incident was so upsetting to me that I got an adrenaline rush and easily ran up and down several flights of stairs carrying my child, AND the Sensewear monitor registered my angst as 7 minutes of vigorous activity. Moving on...

Breakfast was rushed this morning, and in a rush I have been eating Weight Watchers Smart Ones Breakfast Quesadillas. It's basically egg whites, cheese, turkey bacon, and veggies in a tortilla. They taste great, microwave in 2 minutes, and are easy to eat. I bought them because they are only 220 calories, with SIX GRAMS of fiber and 13 grams of protein. Great! But today I read the label a little more carefully and noticed 710 mg of sodium! That is 29% of the Recommended Daily Allowance. I ate the last one this morning and won't be buying them again. However, I had a light bulb moment and realized that if THEY can freeze eggs in a tortilla, so can I. I often make a breakfast burrito from Egg Beaters, low fat cheese, baby spinach, salsa, and turkey sausage on a Carb Balance high fiber tortilla. I think I will figure up the nutrition info on that, and then make several and freeze them in baggies. I bet if I microwave them for 2 minutes they will turn out fine! I'll let you know.

My morning snack was about a half cup of fresh blueberries and 2 Clementines with some green tea. A note on Clementines: I am really not a fan of oranges... never have been. I don't like the chewy membrane and they never tasted all that great to me (love OJ though!) For years I have heard people raving about Clementines but ignored it because I just don't like oranges that much, and they seem to always come in a great big box of about 20 little oranges. But finally this winter I gave in and bought them. OMG! They are fantastic! They are so good that if I peel them and put them in a container, my kids will snack on them all day. They are tiny, very easy to peel (the peels just come right off with your fingers), seedless, juicy, and SWEET. Sooo sweet. I highly recommend you go get some Clementines before the season is over... and I also highly recommend the Cuties brand especially. They have always been the best (although they are grown in California so you east coasters might have an equally good Florida type). I've tried things like Satsumas and tangerines and other citrus, but I always come back to my Clementines! One Clementine has 35 to 50 calories and about 1.5 g fiber, .8 g protein, about 80% of the RDA of Vitamin C, and lots of other nutrients (B vitamins, calcium, magnesium, potassium, phosphorus, vitamin E, etc).

Now it's about time for lunch, which will involve vegetables and chicken breast. I just took a couple of Advils to take the edge off my knee pain so I can bike. I'll be having a healthy lunch, then doing some housework, and then I'll be biking. I plan to put my daughter on the computer (in my sight from the bike) to play spelling/reading/counting games while I ride.

Will be back later with an update on the rest of my day. So far, so good. And THANK YOU to all of you who commented on my post from yesterday!! It was energizing and comforting to read so many words of support, and I feel like 99% of the commenters "got it" and offered what I asked for, which was sooo helpful to me!! (and those who have recommended the Beck Diet books, thank you. I have one on my nightstand and am working through it and will also post a review of the book within 2 weeks).

Off to make lunch!

Binge Eating Revisited

A long time ago, I came to Blogger and started this blog. I started writing because I wanted a place to share my weight loss journey, my struggles, successes, and thoughts. I always strove to be completely honest, even about taboo topics like how much I used to eat during a binge, or what it feels like to have fat rolls all over my body... the kind of things people generally don't talk about. They hide it in their closets, keep it private, maybe feel ashamed of it and feel terribly alone and guilty. I don't want people to feel alone anymore. I want us to come together and be strong and change things. I wanted people to read my story and feel it, understand the daily grind of being obese and losing weight (and regaining weight).

Along the way, I've gotten SO much support. Lots of kind words, great information, friendship and tips that have helped me along the way. And I appreciate it so much that I started writing to share some of the things that have helped me: recipes, nutrition info, exercise pointers, and of course the healthy habits. As my post yesterday said, I *know* how to lose weight. It's the doing that is giving me problems lately.

Well, there's something I need to say, and it ain't pretty. I had a bad day today... the worst day in a long, long time. If you've read this blog for awhile, you know how I used to eat: whole bowls of brownie batter, packs of hot dogs, bags of Cheetos, whole pizzas. Crazy. Yes, I have a binge eating problem. I started talking about my binge problem very early on in this journey. It's no secret. I got it pretty well under control for awhile there as I lost that 64 pounds. Then struggled a bit... no "major" binges. Overindulging, yes. But I got a grip and lost 7 pounds in November. Since then, not so great.

Let me get to the point. Today, I binged. I ate:
Bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and 1% milk
Tea with milk and agave
Green tea
a few handfuls of pomegranate seeds
a few handfuls of blueberries
BIG bowl of reduced fat potato/cheese/broccoli/bacon soup... maybe 2 cups
3 scrambled eggs with light American cheese (scrambled in butter)
slice of toast with butter
tea with milk and honey
orange juice
glazed donut
cake donut
4.25 oz (large) chocolate bar
few bites of chicken
chocolate frosted cake donut
pancake with butter and syrup
bowl of banana nut Cheerios with milk
chicken pot pie and went back for seconds
large bowl of caramel popcorn

I was hesitant to write this post, because I knew there would be three kinds of responses: 1) criticism... people who somehow think that I need to be scolded for my choices; 2) suggestions... people who want to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I should do it right; and 3) supportive... the best kind. The kind I need.

Am I proud of what I ate? No. I don't like it. Why did I post it? Because THIS IS REALITY. This is not the pretty, shiny, polished-up blog where people just post the successes and pretend the failures never happened. This is my space, to post what I am struggling with. Do I want advice? No, not really. I get that donuts are a bad idea. And when people post that I should strength train (which I already do), or start walking 5 miles a day (which is a physical impossibility for me), I wonder if they even read my blog. So if you really, really feel the need to post a suggestion, please read Fat Ain't Stupid first. And remember that any reasonable, healthy program will work, if the person works it. I don't need a new program. I need to get my act together.

I bought all of the junk in one grocery trip this morning. I didn't have this stuff in the house already... but somewhere between the produce section and the donut counter, things went sour. And when I was limping to my car in so much pain that I couldn't even make one more stop to fill the car with gas, I was at rock bottom. My knees were about to give out, just from one shopping trip. That's what this weight is doing to me... throwing me back to the kind of pain that will make me immobile. I can't live this way.

I didn't post this stuff for feedback or as a confessional or to ask anyone's approval or forgiveness. I am just keeping it real. That's what I've always done. But I do have a favor to ask of you who care (and I know many of you really do care and I care back!) I am going to work very hard to get my "groove" back to the point the healthy habits are taking over again and the junk is just not an option. So I want to post my daily food intake, weight, and activities on this blog all week. I promise to be completely honest about what goes in and my exercise, and I'd like you to come check on me and see how I am doing. Lots of action this week. Enough talk.

I believe this would be what is called a turning point. I believe I will look back on this rock-bottom day and see it as a life-changing moment... just as life-changing as the day I began this journey: August 4, 2007.