Mary Lou's Weigh Platform Review & Giveaway

Want to win a free, new scale to weigh your poundage on? You'll want to check out my review for the Mary Lou's Weigh Platform, a unique weight measurement device that contains an Olympic champion! Or something like that.... Click here for your chance to win!

Fat Acceptance

I've gotten a few comments and emails over the past year and a half from people who want me to stop trying to lose weight and just accept my body as it is. Some of them call it "Fat Acceptance." Stop dieting, start living. A nice commenter named "Anonymous" left me this link the other day: The Fantasy of Being Thin. It's an interesting article on a Fat Acceptance site, which basically says that losing weight won't solve all your problems, so quit trying. And I agree that being thin isn't the key to a wonderful life. Like I said in my last post, I don't want to let my weight stand in the way of doing the things I want to do. I can go get that massage, I can dance, I can dress nicely NOW and not just wait until I get "thin." And I've written before about how important it is to love ourselves, and love our bodies for the good they are doing at ANY weight. But when people tell me to quit trying to lose weight, I think they're not getting it.

This is not all about looking good. It's not about just wanting to "fit": in a certain size clothing, a media-driven ideal body image, or even a BMI category. It's about quality of living. It's about being physically ABLE to live my life.

Maybe there are some 400 pound people who are just as happy and content as can be at that weight. Maybe their goals don't include being able to jog 6 miles or ride a normal sized horse or hike the grand canyon (although maybe there ARE 400 pound people who can do all of those things, I dunno). Maybe at 400 pounds they are not bothered by what anyone else thinks, they like the clothing options available to them, and they aren't suffering any physical ailments usually associated with obesity. But more than likely, most morbidly obese folks are going to miss out on things they'd LIKE to do, but can't because of their size.

Focus on health, not weight? That's fantastic. I am all for fitness and eating healthy and exercising. After all, being thin or normal weight does not necessarily equate with being healthy. Lots of unfat folks eat too much junk, smoke cigarettes, and are couch potatoes. They just don't wear their unhealthiness on their sleeves the way we fat folks do. Alternately, a large person can be very fit. I don't deny that. I am sure there are plenty of people fatter than I am who can run marathons and would kick my butt at just about any sport. And I *am* trying to focus on getting fit and healthy. That's why I am changing my eating and activity levels rather than going on some crazy crash diet.

But if you want to tell me I should stop losing weight, you're totally not getting it. For ME, this is not a choice between a) being thin or b) being fat; it's a choice between a) being able to walk or b) being a cripple. It's a choice between a) enjoying life or b) being in constant pain. If I hadn't lost 60 pounds, I would not be able to do much of anything I want to do right now. Do you remember me saying that when I weighed 278 pounds I couldn't walk down the block? I could barely make it to my mailbox. My children suffered because I couldn't take the stairs to tuck them in at night. Now I can walk my daughter to the park on a sunny day. I can grocery shop without one of those carts you ride on. And I can kiss my kids goodnight. So don't tell me I should've just accepted that 278-pound body and been happy, because when a mother cannot even kiss her kids goodnight and tuck them in, it breaks her heart.

And I won't stop losing weight now, either. My orthopedic surgeon has been very clear: my weight has destroyed my knees. At 39, I have the knees of a very old arthritic woman. And had I not lost this much weight I would BE in a wheelchair by now. My work isn't done yet; I've just bought myself a little more time before the knees give out. I have been in pain for months, and if I don't get some more weight off, I am going to be back to the same limitations, unable to walk or take the stairs. I will not accept that. Fat acceptance is nice in theory, but in this case, it's suicide. I won't stay fat and be crippled. I won't sit in a chair and watch life go by. I refuse.

You know those pictures that have been at the top of my sidebar since day one? The "before" pictures? Well I'll tell you a secret. Those were taken in a house on the beach during summer vacation. And do you know what prompted me to take "before" pictures while I was on vacation? I'll give you a hint. When I took those pictures, my kids were down on the beach. And I was not. I was NOT ABLE to go down to the beach and play with my children. I distinctly remember the feeling I had when we drove down to that beach a few days earlier. It was quite a walk from the parking lot. My husband had to drive down to the handicapped parking lot to let me off and then drive back up to the normal parking lot to park. And even from the handicapped parking lot, I could barely make it down to the beach. I made it to the waterline and was exhausted and in agony. I was panting and gasping and my knees were hurting terribly. My kids ran down the beach to play but I couldn't move another inch. The swimming and surfing area was much to far for me to walk. I hobbled back to the car with tears burning my eyes from pain and disappointment. Thereafter, each day the kids went down to the beach with their uncle and cousins, and I sat in the house. THAT is what started me on this plan. NOT vanity, NOT a "thin fantasy." It was the sharp sting of reality that my fat was physically preventing me from living my life. From being with my kids.

The next summer, even with bad knees, I was able to hike and walk and enjoy my family on the beach because I weighed 60 pounds less. But no amount of exercise and fitness is going to fix this problem without getting the weight off of those damaged joints.

I'd never go up to a fat person on the street and say, "hey, you should lose weight." It's not my business. And it's nobody's business to tell me I should stop trying to lose weight, either. Some things I can do while I am fat, and I'll do them. But if I want to walk with my kids on the beach and tuck them in at night, the weight has to keep coming off. I love myself enough to do the work this requires.

I'll accept your fat. I won't tell you to lose weight, and I won't discriminate against you for your size. If you want to quit dieting, I won't think any less of you. You have to do what makes YOU happy. But I won't accept living a limited life due to MY size. I have to take care of my body, and in this case, that includes losing weight.

Giveaway Winner, and an Update

It's a good day for a few miscellaneous bits of info and a personal update on me. First of all, the winner of the Half Assed giveaway is Christie from Utah. She'll be receiving a copy of Jennette Fulda's book in the mail shortly. Congratulations, Christie, I hope you enjoy the book as much as I have!

Second, look at this! Our own Dietgirl was on the Early Show this week. Nice little clip, good advice, and check out that list of her favorite blogs! Thanks, Shauna!

Now for an update. A couple of weeks ago, I had been doing my weekly calorie budget which was working out okay for me, and I got myself down to 225 pounds. Well, I got something really cool in the mail to review: a Sensewear armband, which is like the Bodybugg you see on the Biggest Loser TV show. They mailed me a "loaner" armband to try out for a few weeks (a review on the actual armband will come later). I've been wearing it, and because it came with an online calorie program, I ditched the weekly budget and just went with the software. It gave me a "goal" of 1750 calories/day. I started logging my food on that software.

Now, what followed, I can't blame on the software or the armband... because I somehow got it in my head that I should eat 1750 every day. There's a cute little graphic on the website showing when you have "reached" your goal. So if I had eaten 1400, I fell short. And hey, frankly, any incentive to eat more is going to be met with very little resistance when I am PMSing! I ate more, and I gained. In fact, my weight varied up and down the scale from 225 to 235 and back down again...up again... down again. This is relatively normal for me if I am not really watching my intake.

I also slacked off in the exercise department. I've had some more severe knee pain as well as seriously sapped energy (which I mentioned earlier, and am addressing with a light box and B vitamins). I haven't been moving as much as I used to. The combination of eating a bit more and moving less, well, it's not brought me a big weight loss. In fact, I am pretty much maintaining at the moment, between 228-232 pounds. Which I have actually been doing for about 5 months.

While I am not thrilled with the weight situation, I am not upset about it either. I know what's going on. I haven't been bingeing. But if I have a perfectly healthy day with lots of good foods, it still doesn't take much to screw up the weight loss part of the equation. For example:

A usual menu for me this month has been: oatmeal with blueberries and a clementine and green tea for breakfast; a huge salad of spinach, broccoli, peppers, pomegranate seeds, chicken breast, a tablespoon of Gorgonzola, a tablespoon of walnuts or almonds, and a non fat homemade vinaigrette for lunch; yogurt, almonds, and fruit for snacks; and a 3-4 oz serving of lean meat with a small starch such as 1/2 c brown rice and a heap of steamed veggies for dinner. Great! If I eat this and bike, I lose weight consistently. But if you remove the biking and add in a bowl of plain cheerios with half a banana sliced into it with skim milk, I do not lose weight. I maintain or gain. It's that easy to throw off the balance.

It's a learning process. I'm confident that my body is far healthier than it used to be when I was eating junk food and sitting around all day. I eat pretty nutritious foods 90% of the time. It's becoming a habit. I just have to be sure and get the biking in every day, and watch those extra calories.

I might have a loss for this month, or I might have a maintain. We'll see.

This morning the sun came out, and I took a 10 minute walk down the block while my daughter was in playgroup. It was 23 degrees and icy cold, but I relished that sunshine on my face and with every step, I was thankful that I can walk. Every single step I took, I was thinking, how blessed am I? I can walk. And if you think that's silly, remember that a year and a half ago, I couldn't. I couldn't even walk across the street to my mailbox without being in extreme pain. A walk down the block was completely out of my reach. And now, I can. I am so very thankful for that.

I'm coming down sick today. I woke up with a sore throat, and now my head is aching. I am so tired I just want to sleep, and I can tell my body is fighting something. I might even have a fever. I'll take it easy today and give my body lots of nutrition. I had my blueberries and oatmeal for breakfast. I think I will have some soup for lunch, and make a nice big crock pot of buffalo chili with lots and lots of veggies in it: onions, garlic, zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, carrots, celery, red/orange/yellow/green peppers... along with pinto beans and kidney beans. I can almost taste it now. Yummy.

One final note. Thank you for all your support! It means the world to me.

What I Missed

Seven years ago, when I was fat but not SO fat, I was dating a really nice guy. He was the "jock" type... athletic, nice build, handsome, a little younger than I was. He was a really sweet guy and we dated for a year or so. When Christmastime rolled around, he asked me what I wanted. "Oh, I like scented candles," I said, "and books. Books about local geology." I guess he didn't take me too seriously though, because he came up with a completely different gift for me.

On Christmas Day, he handed me a card. I opened it, and to my utmost horror, it was a gift certificate to a posh local day spa. "You can get anything you want on this list!" he said happily, handing me a list of services offered. I scanned the list, feigning delight while my stomach dropped to my feet. A nude mud rub? A hot stone massage? How about being rubbed down with scrubbing salts in an exfoliating shower? Oh my goodness. Did he have any idea what he was expecting me to do? I smiled. "Thank you, it's so sweet..." I said, as he joyfully told me how much I deserved it and how I could use a break to de-stress. And he was right! But I couldn't do it. That gift certificate sat in my bedroom closet unused "until I lose weight" (until it expired). When I found it a year later, it almost made me cry. I missed out on something really lovely. Why? Because I weighed 240 pounds and was not about to take off any portion of my clothing in a spa. I didn't want to feel self conscious, and I didn't want the skinny rub-down chicks laughing at me behind my back. So I never went.

A year later, I was losing weight. I was down ten pounds when I saw an ad for a marathon to raise money for cancer research. My mother had recently died of cancer and I wanted to walk in her honor. I'd always wanted to do a marathon, and this one was perfect because I didn't have to run. I could walk it if I wanted to. I knew enough people to get pledges, and the best part: it was in Ireland! I've always wanted to go to Ireland; my ancestors came from there and it's a dream of mine to go "back" someday and see the old family farm. This was the chance of a lifetime for me! I looked at the dates... I had several months to train and lose more weight. I paid the fee, signed up, and started making big plans!

I cannot even express how thrilled I was to be doing this. It was a dream come true. But just a month into my "training" (walking daily), I realized I was not losing weight; I was regaining. I was struggling with emotional eating since my mother's death. Another month went by and I was getting distraught that I was still "so fat." Instead of focusing on my fitness level, I got sidetracked by my weight, and I gave up. I told my friends who were going to sponsor me that I had a knee injury (which was partly true... my knee troubles were just beginning... but I probably could have worked through it at that point). I cancelled my plans. I forfeited my entrance fee. And I went back to eating crap and being sedentary and got to be 278 pounds in short order.

Those are just two examples of things that I have missed out on because of my weight. My obesity has gotten in the way of so much living, from playing with my children to seeing old friends. I didn't go to my class reunion because I was so fat. I didn't take martial arts with my oldest son when he was a little boy because I was so fat. When my youngest son started riding horses, I was thrilled to be around them. I've always loved horses, and rode when I was a child. Just brushing them and leading them around was wonderful for me. And when the owner said, "want to take a ride, too?" offering me a horse, I declined because I was too fat.

I am tired of missing out on life because of FAT. And while there are some things you really can't do when you're morbidly obese, like fit on some roller coasters or jog 10 miles, the saddest fact of all is this: I was not too fat for any of those things!

I could've gone to that spa, if only I'd had enough confidence.
I could've walked that marathon, if only I'd focused on fitness.
I could've gone to my class reunions and taken martial arts with my son and even could've ridden that big horse, if only I hadn't let my size dictate my life.

I won't let embarrassment stand in my way anymore, and I won't stay so fat that I miss out on the pleasures of life. I'll never be able to walk a marathon now, unless they have one for limpers or I get artificial knees. I missed the boat on that one. I'll never get to take martial arts with my boy, because he is all grown up now and not interested in that anymore. I can't get back the chances I missed. But I *can* start letting old friends back into my life; if they're true friends, the extra 100 pounds is not going to change their love for me. I *can* take martial arts with my daughter when she is older, if I stay focused on my fitness. If someone offers me the reins of a horse, I'm taking them and going for a ride, and if I am ever lucky enough to get a spa certificate again, I'm going. I would go right now, flab and all. Because life won't wait.

Part of the answer to not missing anymore of life is losing weight so that I am not limited by my size, but an even bigger part is kicking the fat girl out of my head so I can enjoy life freely. She is halfway out the door. I'm ready to live. I am living.

Habit-A-Week Challenge, Week 15: Eat Enough Protein

It's week 15 of the Habit-A-Week Challenge, where you make one small change each week to make your life a little healthier. If you've been following along, and have kept each healthy habit as the weeks passed, you now have 14 great new healthy habits in your life! And I bet you've lost weight, too if that was one of your goals. Sticking to small changes over time really does give results without being painful. If you are just joining us, or if you slipped up along the way, just start right here and work on this week's habit. When the Challenge ends (next week!), you can go back to Habit #1 and keep working on them, one per week until you have revamped your life dramatically without a ton of effort. For last week's habit (and links to all the previous habits), click here.

This week we'll focus on getting enough protein in our daily diets. Protein is important to build healthy muscle (and I don't mean bulking up. Remember, your heart is a muscle, and you certainly want that to be healthy!) Your skin and organs also are composed of protein, and it is important for tissue repair and for making hormones and enzymes. Protein also helps you stay satisfied and not get hungry as often. If you eat a meal with very little protein, you might feel hungry soon afterwards, leading to too much snacking.

So how much protein is enough? Most experts recommend a protein intake of 15 to 30% of your daily calories. The RDA for protein for your body weight is 0.8g per kilogram. You can try out a protein calculator like this one or this nifty one, which not only gives you your RDA but also has some cool information about dietary protein.

Foods that contain all 20 of the amino acids we need for growth are called complete proteins. These include animal proteins such as meats, fish, eggs, and milk. There are also a few non-animal complete proteins including hemp, quinoa, and soy. Proteins that don't have all of the essential amino acids are incomplete proteins, such as whole grains, beans, peas, lentils, nuts, seeds, and some vegetables. You can get all of your protein needs in a vegetarian diet by combining complementary proteins to make a complete protein. For example, beans + rice or peanut butter + wheat bread.

You can figure out whether or not you are getting enough protein by logging your food for a few days on Sparkpeople (free) or any other calorie/nutrition logging site. At the end of the day you can easily see how many grams of protein you have eaten, and which meals were lacking.

Also, be aware that some protein sources may also include high cholesterol or saturated fat. Beef is generally higher in saturated fat, so experts recommend limiting red meat. High-quality proteins that are healthiest include fish, chicken breast, egg whites, beans, nuts, and whole grains.

Some ideas for getting protein into your diet:

Breakfast: Egg whites or Egg Beaters, scrambled or in an omelet with veggies and low fat cheese. Add protein powder to a breakfast smoothie, or to your oatmeal. Add nuts to your oatmeal; a spoonful of peanut butter is really good in oats, too!

Snacks: a handful of almonds, a low fat string cheese, or some hummus with carrot sticks. I also enjoy peanut butter on apple slices. And don't forget the crunchy roasted chickpeas!

Lunch/Dinner: fish or chicken is a great main course, but you can also get plenty of protein in a lentil soup, refried beans, salads with chickpeas or beans. Bean soup is fantastic. Vegetarian chili over brown rice is great too!

Feel free to add your favorite protein-rich meal and snacking ideas to the comments section. I always love to get fresh ideas for the menu!

If you already get plenty of protein, focus on the quality of the protein you eat. Try to get more from vegetarian sources. Add fish at least twice a week to your diet. Try and cut back on red meat; once a week is plenty... less is great, too.

When you get enough good proteins in your diet, you'll feel better. Eating a handful of nuts is so much better for your body than eating a protein-devoid 100-calorie pack of Oreos! Improve your diet... improve your life :)

Watch for an update on how I'm doing, either this evening or tomorrow. It's almost the end of the month! Do your best to have a healthy week.

Recipes: Low Fat Cornbread, and Crunchy Roasted Chickpeas

As promised, I have some yummy recipes for you!

This first one is the result of a lot of trial and error. My family loves cornbread with their chili, myself included. But a lot of recipes include STICKS of butter and CUPS of sugar and you end up eating something more reminiscent of a cake than of cornbread. The "healthy" recipes I tried fell flat: too dry, too flavorless. This one's a winner. I know so, because when I baked it the first time, the kids all said it was the best cornbread they ever had! They do slather theirs with butter and honey, but at least it starts out nearly fat free!

Lyn's Best Low Fat Cornbread

1 c. flour
1 c. cornmeal
1/4 c. sugar
1 tsp. baking soda
3/4 tsp. salt
1 c. fat free vanilla yogurt
1/2 c. Egg Beaters (or two beaten eggs, if you don't mind the cholesterol)

Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl. Dissolve the baking soda in the yogurt. Add the yogurt and eggs to the dry ingredients and stir just until combined. Spread in an 8 by 8 square pan (or a 9" round pie pan) sprayed with cooking spray. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes, *just* until a sharp knife poked into the middle comes out moist but clean (no batter). Cut into squares or wedges and serve warm. Made with eggs and regular vanilla yogurt, 1/12 = 130 calories, or 1/8 = 195 calories. (Save calories if you want by using the Egg Beaters and sugar free vanilla yogurt).

*Notes: My kids prefer it with the vanilla yogurt, but plain is fine, just not as sweet. You could use a splenda-sweetened vanilla yogurt for flavor without calories. I usually add a half teaspoon of Butter Flavoring for that buttery taste (it comes in a bottle, look near the vanilla extract). You can add things to this cornbread, like jalapenos or grated cheese or chopped cooked onions. You can also cook it in muffin pans, just cook for a shorter time.

The second recipe is a yummy snack:

Crunchy Roasted Chickpeas

Take a can of chickpeas, drain and rinse them, and pat them dry on paper towels, like this:



Try and get the pretty dry. Stick them on a cookie sheet and pop into an oven set to 400 degrees. Roast them for oh, 20 to 30 minutes but go in and shake the pan every 8 minutes or so. Watch them. If they start getting too dark, cut the time back. To see if they are almost done, take one off the pan, let it cool slightly and then eat it. If it isn't crunchy enough, put them back in.

After you get them to your preferred crunchiness level, take them out and spritz them with a light coating of olive oil (I have a sprayer... if you don't have one, dump them in a bowl and add some olive oil. Not too much, maybe a half Tablespoon). Then season them with whatever spices you like. Plain sea salt and pepper is good. Paprika is nice. Curry, onion powder, garlic powder, whatever you like... experiment! Toss them to coat and pop back in the oven for about 5 minutes. Here are mine, nice and crisp.


These are yummiest straight out of the oven. Sometimes they are crunchier than other times. You have to play around with it. Sometimes I prefer them moister. They make a good, high-protein snack and they keep well in a baggie. Sometimes they soften over time. It all depends on their moisture level. But I just love them when I am craving something crunchy and salty, but nutritious. Enjoy!

GelPro Mat Winner

The winner of the GelPro Anti-Fatigue Floor Mat Giveaway is Tena! I've emailed Tena for her address and her GelPro mat will be going out to her ASAP. Congratulations, Tena. I really hope you and your Mom benefit from it!

If you didn't win, don't give up! I have some really great giveaways planned for this week and into February.

The Secret (and a giveaway)

How would you like to fit into your old "fat pants" like that? I know I would... I am saving my old 26's for just such an occasion. How about you? Do you wish you could shrink to half your size? Jennette Fulda doesn't have to wish anymore... she started at 372 pounds and lost 186 pounds! Wanna know the secret? Read on...

Jennette is the author of Half-Assed, a Weight Loss Memoir, but you might know her as "PastaQueen," who has been chronicling her weight loss on her blog since 2003. This week I got the chance to read Jennette's book and to ask her a few questions. First, here are the questions and her answers... followed by The Secret. (All quotes are from her Half Assed book. And I mean that in the nicest way.)

Lyn: On page 71, you talk about the mechanics of losing weight: "I was regulating my diet of food for the day, but I would never be able to stop without gaining back the weight." Are you still regulating your food in the same way? Do you ever feel like it's a burden?

Jennette: I stay aware of what I'm eating and always try to make the best choices. Sometimes if I'm particularly stressed, sad or alone I might grab a chocolate bar, but as long as I'm eating healthy 80-90% of the time I feel like I'm doing well. There are some days it certainly feels like a burden. I'll find myself sitting on the couch thinking about food, wishing I could stop thinking about food and wonder why my brain works this way. I've accepted that this is just the way I am and this is the problem I have to deal with in life. At least I'm not a crack whore :)

Lyn: Yeah, thank God for that (heh). Actually, thinking about food all the time is pretty common, IMO. Here's another common issue: a lot of people who lose weight have a hard time reconciling the person they are in their head with the person they are in the mirror. On page 102, you ponder, "How long would I have to eat well and exercise before I was no longer pretending to be a healthy, thin person and was actually considered one by myself and others?" Do you think your perception of yourself now matches the perception other people have of you?

Jennette: I think my self-image and other's people perception of my size are pretty close. If anything, I feel thinner than most people would at my size because I was once morbidly obese. I'm still a bit chubby, but I'm thinner than I've been for the majority of my adult life, so I'm pretty happy with my weight. I have no aspirations to be a size 0, 2, 4, or even 6.

Lyn: Oh I hear you there. No size 0's in my future, either! Having met you at the Quaker event, let me just say you look great! Another question: in your book, you mentioned that you've developed a love of cooking. Care to share a favorite recipe with us?

Jennette: I found an Angel Meringue Dessert recently that is rather tasty and low-calorie. I'll probably make it at the next big family gathering so my diabetic cousin has a dessert to eat. It requires parchment paper which I had to buy from the store because, seriously, when do I ever use parchment paper? I think this is from one of the South Beach Diet cookbooks, but I'm not sure.

Angel Meringue Dessert

5 egg whites
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/4 cup Splenda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 Tablespoons finely ground walnuts
1 cup low-fat whipped topping
Fresh strawberries, sliced, for garnish
Mint sprigs, for garnish

Preheat the oven to 275º F.

Cover a baking sheet with parchment paper and coat the parchment paper with cooking spray.
In a large bowl, with an electric mixer on high speed, beat the egg whites and salt until soft peaks form. Gradually sprinkle in the cream of tartar and then the Splenda, 2 Tablespoons at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the vanilla extract and beat until shiny peaks form. Fold in the walnuts.

Form the mixture into a 7” circle on the parchment paper.

Bake for 1 hour, or until light golden. Turn off the oven and let the meringue cool with the door open. Remove from the parchment and store in an airtight container or place on a serving plate. Top with the whipped topping and garnish with the strawberries and mint.

Lyn: That sounds lovely! I'll be right over to sample it! But first, one more question. On page 213, you say, "Now that I was basically thin, I'd have to start looking for a new goal. I could be so much more than the girl who lost all that weight. Now that I'd lost the weight, I could do anything." What is something you've accomplished that you're proud of? What kinds of things do you have in mind for the future?

Jennette: After the book came out I got a new, higher-paying, day job with better benefits. I'd stayed at my old job far too long because I was scared to make a change and I wasn't sure if there was anything out there that was better. Losing weight gave me confidence in my ability to make changes in my life and helped me land my latest gig.

As for the future, I hope to travel abroad before my 30th birthday, though that will depend on my financial circumstances. If you buy my book, consider it a contribution to PastaQueen's travel fund :)

Wonderful! Thanks, Jennette! And now I am going to share...

The Secret.

Everyone wants to know: how did she do it? What's The Secret to losing weight? How do you stay motivated? Where do you get the willpower to accomplish such a task? Thankfully, all is revealed in Jennette's book. As a matter of fact, there is a whole chapter entitled, "The Secret." And I am going to share it with you. Are you ready? Here it comes:

"There is no secret."

That's what she says in her book. But the fact is, that THAT is The Secret. If you can get your mind around this one, you'll get it. The light bulb will go on. It will click. And you can change your life, if you so choose. This is hands down my favorite chapter in the book. It sums up what I've been trying to say on this blog all along. It doesn't take a special pill, a magic potion, an expensive diet plan or a case of diet shakes to lose weight. It doesn't even hinge on your motivation or your willpower. It's just making choices every day that lead you closer to your goal rather than farther away from it. As Jennette says in her book:

"Willpower's overrated... Willpower was good for getting me to speed up my grocery cart as I passed the Oreos strategically placed next to the milk section. It was good for making me avoid eye contact with the Girl Scouts selling cookies outside the grocery store. But using willpower as the energy source for a long-term weight-loss plan was like trying to power an aircraft carrier with a hamster running in a wheel."

Word.

And on being questioned as to how she stayed motivated:

"I should have just told her to screw motivation. If I waited for motivation to do the dishes, I'd have plates stacked on my counter so high that I couldn't open the microwave. ... I was never motivated to do my dishes. Yet I turned on the faucet and poured out some dish soap anyway. It wasn't because I wanted to have fun with bubbles; it was because I had to. I couldn't bring myself to eat off paper plates."

Advice? "People waited for motivation to find them, but they needed to go out and find motivation. ... You just have to do it, even though you don't want to."

She's so right.

If you'd like to read more, you can enter to win a copy of Half-Assed by leaving a comment on this post telling me one good thing you are going to DO today, whether you feel like it or not. Contest is open to folks in the USA and Canada. I'll pick a random winner on Wednesday the 28th. Good luck!

And if you'd like to buy yourself a copy of Half-Assed, it's pretty cheap over at Amazon right now, and you can use their "look inside" feature to read several pages online.

To keep following Jennette on her virtual tour head on over to Lynn's Weigh tomorrow, January 24th.

I'll be posting recipes this weekend! Low fat cornbread and Crispy Roasted Chickpeas, for your culinary pleasure. Have a great weekend!!

Better Choices

A lot people have an all or nothing attitude about losing weight. They're either "on" a diet, or "off" their diet. Their dinner is either an undressed salad with a side of carrot sticks, or a Big Mac meal with a hot fudge sundae for dessert. Every night is spent either feeling deprived and hungry or bemoaning another day "falling off the wagon" and feeling miserable, bloated, and defeated. It doesn't have to be this way. As a matter of fact, if you want to lose weight, it CAN'T be this way.

Changing your weight is about changing your life, and you can't just jump up one day and turn your entire lifestyle on its head by going from Pizza Hut to Cabbage Soup. You'll resent it. You'll rebel. And even if you lose the weight, unless your changes are sustainable AND enjoyable, you'll go right back to the way you used to eat, and gain back all the weight.

Think about weight loss not in terms of pounds, but in terms of activities. Of small changes you make each day, moment to moment, that cumulatively become something amazing: a healthier life. It's not even about the scale anymore when you look at it that way. It's about breaking bad habits and replacing them with good ones.

Today was a great example of how I am enjoying my life but making small changes that are creating a healthier person. I started out with the usual cup of tea and bowl of oatmeal. I used to eat something similar when I was heavier:

3/4 c quick oats, 2T brown sugar, cinnamon, and 1/2 c 2% milk, plus coffee with 3-4T flavored creamer.

But now I eat:

1/3 c quick oats, 1 T ground flax, 1 tsp brown sugar, cinnamon, walnuts, 1/2 c pumpkin, a drizzle of real maple syrup, and a splash of skim milk, plus tea with a few drops of agave nectar.

Calorie savings: 250
Energy, satisfaction, and nutrition gained: boundless

Today at lunchtime, I was out running errands with my daughter and had afternoon appointments. We decided to go sit down and have lunch at Shari's Restaurant. I've gone there before; it's sort of like Denny's. I knew ahead of time I wanted soup and a salad (for veggie content). So when I went in and looked at the salad page, I was debating in my head. I didn't have any nutritional information on me, so I had to wing it. When I came home, I looked up nutrition info online. I think this is very revealing about how *small* choices make a huge difference.

Should I drink soda, or water? I chose water. This saved me 137 calories (one glass of Pepsi).
Should I choose a bowl of baked potato soup, or a cup of chicken noodle? I love baked potato soup, but I went with the chicken noodle. A savings of 264 calories.
I was eyeballing the Flatiron Steak Salad, but instead chose the Grilled Chicken Cobb Salad. This saved me 522 calories (probably more, since I picked out the egg yolk, half the bacon bits and half the cheese and left it on the plate).
How about salad dressing? I went with Balsamic Vinaigrette (which was fantastic) over my usual Blue Cheese dressing for a savings of 222 calories.

To recap:
Old choices: One Pepsi, a bowl of potato soup, and a flatiron steak salad with blue cheese dressing: 1905 calories.
New choices: Water with a lemon wedge, a cup of chicken noodle soup, and a chicken Cobb salad with balsamic vinaigrette: 760 calories.

Calories saved: 1145

I was full and satisfied when I left. I didn't feel deprived in the least. It's 3pm and I am still not hungry. How about that? Small changes, big results.

When making those kinds of choices becomes a habit, it works like this:

Instead of seconds at dinner, you just take seconds of vegetables.
Instead of wasting ten minutes circling the parking lot for the closest space, you park far from the store and just WALK there.
Instead of asking your kids/husband/friend to bring the laundry upstairs for you, YOU do it.
Instead of putting whole milk on your cereal, you use skim.
Instead of watching TV all evening, you do some exercise and go to bed early.

After awhile, you become a healthy person, from the inside out.

You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to starve. Live your life making *better* choices, and let the metamorphosis begin.

Accusations

When I was a kid, I was pretty tame for the most part. My mom was very religious, and I was very careful never to do anything "bad" that would make God angry at me. I knew he was always watching me, so from a very young age I always did the "right thing," at first out of fear, but later out of a sense of loyalty to God and my own morality. The worst thing I remember ever doing in my childhood was in elementary school when I cheated on a test. It was a little quiz where we had to identify states on a map, and I had forgotten to study, so I quickly made a shorthand drawing with state initials on it and stuck it in my desk. The teacher flipped over the wall map so we couldn't see it during the quiz, but I looked down to my lap where my cheat sheet was, and copied all the answers onto the map on my desk. I felt a twinge of guilt, but in the moment, keeping my straight-A average seemed more important than not copying those answers. The word "cheating" didn't even enter my mind.

We went out to recess, and when we came back in, the teacher pulled me aside. You remember that mean girl who bullied me on the bus? Well she'd seen me cheating, and took great pleasure in taking my cheat sheet up to the teacher and tattling on me during recess. The teacher said very little to me; just that she was very disappointed in me and did I want to tell my parents, or should she? The shame in my heart was more than enough punishment. When I went home and told my mother, kneeling beside her bed in her darkened room where she lay with a headache, she expressed utter disgust at me. There I was, nine years old and crying with deep conviction at what I had done, and she just sneered at me, "You're just sorry because you got caught!" I was devastated, and terribly ashamed of myself. I never cheated again. I never so much as took a penny that didn't belong to me, ever again.

And so with the worst sin of my childhood behind me, I went on to excel with my grades and to hold myself to a pretty high moral standard, even into my teenage years. I was careful not to lie, not even a "little white lie." I dressed very modestly and carried a Bible around with me half the time. I didn't smoke anything or kiss boys or go out partying. I joined in the family drinking problem during a painful time in my life, but I only drank at home, in secret. I was always the good girl, the quiet girl. I wasn't any trouble.

And so when I was 17 and started liking a boy at school, it was pretty innocent. We wrote each other notes and he said he wanted to hang out with me. Sometimes we would go to the high school football games with our friends and just have fun watching the game.

One day I came home from school and went outside to rake leaves or play with the dog. When I came back in my parents were sitting at the kitchen table and my mother looked furious. Then I saw some papers unfolded on the table: the notes that the boy had written me, unfolded from their little triangular football shapes and laid out for all the world to see. My jaw dropped. "What is THIS about???" my mother demanded angrily. I snatched a note from her hand and gathered up the ones strewn about the table. "These are private! They're none of your business!" She had gone through not only the dresser drawers in my bedroom, but also my purse to find them. I was absolutely livid! "What are you doing with THAT BOY?" she shrieked. I yelled back, "you have no right to go through my things!" Back and forth it went until I stormed out with my notes, declaring, "I'll just keep all my personal things in my locker at school!"

What made me so angry was not just that my privacy was violated, but that my mother thought I was "doing things" with that boy. The notes didn't indicate anything immoral; we just "liked" each other. I had never given my parents any reason to question my morality, and her accusations felt like an unfounded attack. She tried to ground me so I couldn't see "the boy," but it's hard to ground a 17-year-old who is working 25 hours a week, going to school, and has bought her own car. I still saw him, sometimes, but frankly, I never even held his hand.

It got worse. At dinnertime we would be eating when suddenly my mother would glare at me and pipe up, "Have you been smoking pot? You're acting like you're on drugs. Your eyes are dilated! I know you're smoking pot!" I'd drop my fork in frustration and just leave the table for the sanctuary of my room. Her accusations were so wearing on me. I never even saw a joint, much less smoked one. After awhile, I just stopped coming to dinner and ate at Burger King to get some peace.

Even later after I'd moved out at 18, worked full-time to earn money for college for a year, and gotten honor roll grades at college, when I came home for the summer I heard the same insanity from my mother. I was 19 and still had never gone farther than kissing a boy because I was saving myself for marriage. I was working 2 jobs and had a very cute boyfriend who I spent time with after I got off work at 10 or 11pm. I'd come home after midnight, sometimes at 1am, and my mother would rave. "You're going to get a disease! You're going to get pregnant!" She tried to impose a 10pm curfew on me, which I politely ignored. I wasn't doing anything more than sitting around watching movies with this guy. I didn't even drink at all by this point. After several months of enduring her screeches about herpes and gonorrhea and pregnancy, and her constant sneering about how I was ruining my life by whoring myself around, I'd had enough. All along, I'd held my peace, occasionally reassuring her that I was waiting for marriage and not doing anything "bad." I tried to remember that my mother had had a rough upbringing, with alcohol and an unplanned pregnancy. But one day when she was snarling on about my whoredoms, I snapped back, "Just because YOU did those things doesn't mean I am doing them. I am not a slut like you were. I am waiting until I am married." And I walked away. She never accused me again.

Accusations are just words, but they can hurt. They can cause damage. They can become a vicious cycle, causing the very behavior they assume someone is doing. I've had people, strangers usually... but sometimes acquaintances... comment on my "diets" in the past. "Oh, you must be eating a LOT more than you say. You couldn't stay so fat without cheating." Or when I said I was walking 4 miles a day, I got "pffft! Funny. Maybe if you count the steps from your couch to your fridge!" It was hurtful. People made assumptions that because I was fat, I must be lazy and bingeing daily. I had someone ask me once what I was eating on my Weight Watchers diet (years ago) and when I gave a synopsis, she said, "you would lose weight if you only ate THAT. You must be sneaking ice cream at night." Those accusations sometimes set me off into a real binge. After all, if someone already thinks I am doing something "bad," I may as well be doing it, right? When my mom was giving me so much grief in school, I once purposely skipped a class and got caught just so I would get detention. Why?? I don't know, maybe just to stick it to her a little bit. No one likes to be falsely accused. It's discouraging and can make you wonder if you really ARE a bad person.

It's really about judgements. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to make snap judgements about a person's eating based on their appearance. Not every fat person binges. And those who have, like myself, might have stopped. Not every teenager with baggy pants and shaggy hair is a troublemaker. I guess the point of my story is this. Assume the good about other people. Treat a person as you would like them to become, because often your treatment shapes their behavior. Being positive and encouraging and believing in someone will lift them up and help them reach their goals. That's what support is about.

And if you have people in your life who think bad things about you, try not to let it get to you. Be aware of it, but just keep proving them wrong. Don't let their words drive you into action that will make their accusations a reality. Be your best self, and treat others as their best selves. The more we think of ourselves in a positive light, the more likely we are to behave accordingly.

Habit-A-Week Challenge, Week 14: Get Some Support

It's week 14 of the Habit-A-Week Challenge, and this week's challenge is: get some support. How is *your* weight loss support system? Do you have a team? A cheerleader? Someone you can talk to? There are many kinds of support, and the more you have, the higher your likelihood of success in meeting your goals. Even if you don't have weight to lose, you can benefit from a strong support system in your life.

Do you ever feel completely alone in your weight loss efforts? I have had those days... the kind where you look in the mirror and sigh, and think, "who even cares if I eat right today? No one even notices when I am doing well. What's the point?" We all have down days, when we struggle with our emotions. If you have support, though, those people can grab your hands and pull you up from your despair. It makes it easier to keep on going.

Let's talk about different kinds of support. (These may blend together in real life, even being embodied in one person).

A "team" is the kind of support you get from someone else who is going through the same thing you are going through. They can relate exactly to your struggles because they share them. The "team" support can come in the form of a weight loss group such as Weight Watchers, OA, or TOPS. Or you can just buddy up with a friend to make your own team and cheer each other on. When one person is down, the others pull them through. You can also get this kind of support from Internet groups such as chats, message boards, and blogs.

A "cheerleader" is someone who is rooting for you to succeed. They might be someone on your "team," but they can also be someone who, for example, has never had a weight problem but just cares enough about you to cheer you on. This kind of person will get excited when you tell them you lost a pound this week. They want to see your progress pictures and charts. They make you feel great when you try on your new, smaller clothing and model for them: "WOW! You look amazing!" This kind of support just feels so good, because it validates your progress. And the same person can boost your morale when you're down, encouraging you to keep on going. You can find this type of support among friends (sometimes) and family (sometimes). It's just wonderful if you can get this from a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend. Everyone needs a cheerleader. It makes you feel special, like you matter.

A "listener" can be found in either of the above types of support, but it can also be someone who just lets you vent. They don't have to care much about your weight loss, they just have to care about YOU. Even if your boyfriend wouldn't mind if you stayed the same weight forever, he will want to be supportive of you because YOU want to lose weight. So he listens, he hugs you, he gives you the love you need to feel human. This kind of support is essential to the human psyche. If you don't have a weight problem, you still have other problems, and if you have no one to listen to you express your feelings, it can be damaging to your mental/emotional health. That's why people pay hundreds of dollars to go sit in a stranger's office and talk about their problems. We all need to be heard. We often need feedback. And if you don't have a friend or family member who will just LISTEN to you, it's likely you'll someday pay a counselor to do the listening. And that's fine, and healthy, as long as you get that support somewhere. But a counselor can't replace the comfort of a hug. So try and get that human touch factor in there as well.

This week, make it a point to get the support you need. Find a team, either in real life or online (I'll post some resource links at the end of this post). Look for a cheerleader who will be genuinely happy for your successes. And ask a family member or friend to be your sounding board (and offer to be one for them, as well). Seek out a counselor if you need to. And if you already have plenty of support, thank them. Make sure they know they are appreciated. And find ways to be that person for someone else! Giving support can be just as rewarding as getting it.

Some free online support resources you can check out:
3 Fat Chicks Support Groups
Prevention Weight Loss Forums
Eating Disorder Referrals and Support
BuddySlim Free Weight Loss Support
Sparkpeople Support Forums

If you're new to the Habit-A-Week Challenge, you can look here for last week's challenge, with links to all the previous weeks' challenges.

As for me, a personal update: last week I got a very cool SenseWear armband to try out for a month and then write a review. It's much like the BodyBugg you see on the contestants of the Biggest Loser. I'm using its software to track my calories in and out. It's a lot of fun! But more on that next month. I haven't weighed in a few days because I have some serious PMS water retention going on, so I will weigh in a couple of days and report my loss then. Tonight's dinner will be baked salmon, brown rice, and roasted Brussels sprouts! Yummy!

Find that support you need.... and enjoy your week!

GelPro Anti-Fatigue Floor Mat Review & Giveaway

If you have bad knees, like I do, or suffer from back pain, hip pain, or foot pain when you have to stand in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, you'll be interested in reading this review I just wrote for the GelPro Anti-Fatigue Floor Mat. And the best part... I'm giving one away! For a chance to win a brand new GelPro mat for your kitchen, click here to read the review and enter to win! Good luck!

Temporary Insanity, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and Giveaway Winners

Oh boy, did I *ever* have a moment today. I was almost overcome by the crazy fat lady who lives inside me. I was driving home from errands with my daughter when I suddenly "decided" (without even thinking) that I wanted fast food for lunch. I wanted McDonald's of all things (this is how I know it was not me but was the crazy fat lady). I got in the drive through line and saw "buy a Big Mac meal, get an extra Big Mac for $1." This was music to the old me's ears. I always used to want an "extra" Big Mac when I got a meal. Then the craziness got worse. I started considering buying some cookies, too. And then I went totally whacko, and thought, "Hey, if I am going to eat 2000 calories, I may as well get what I *really* want: a Dairy Queen bacon double cheeseburger, large onion rings dipped in tartar sauce, and a soda. And since it's Dairy Queen, ice cream. (DQ is like 2 blocks from McD's). Yes, all this insanity was racing in my head as I sat in the drive thru line. I'd already promised my child some chicken nuggets. Somewhere in my head there was a sane person trying to get control. I closed my eyes for a minute and just said, "what do I *really* want??" I wanted a hot drink. Coffee or something. It was freezing cold outside and I got chilled pumping gas. I also wanted *relief* from stress. My toddler had a rather cranky morning, you see. The kind of morning that involves anger at sock seams and throwing one's teeny purple shoes across the room. And being late for appointments. I was tired of her crankiness, and I wanted food to fix it.

After I got her nuggets, I just relaxed the fat crazy chick. I put her in a box or something and I let the sane parental figure take over and simply drive home without any other options. When I got home, I made a cup of nice, hot tea. I scrambled some Egg Beaters with spinach and turkey sausage and made a breakfast burrito for lunch on a whole grain tortilla. I wanted to feel like I was having a nice meal so I also put some pineapple chunks and Clementine sections on my plate, and then I toasted half of a whole grain English muffin and spread it with tart cherry preserves. The resulting plate was beautiful, looked indulgent and was comforting. I didn't even finish it all.

And when I had eaten, my daughter finished her milk and said, "I'm done, you can eat the rest." She left 2 nuggets and half a bag of fries on the table. But I didn't even want it. I put it in the fridge for her for later. And then we sat on the couch and snuggled, relieving much of *both* of our crankiness.

I feel much better now. I think I've been struggling with a touch of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lately. I just have *no* energy. I feel like a lump, I don't want to move. This happened to me about this time last year. Wow, now that I look at it, it was exactly the same time and symptoms! Check out that link if you're interested. If you have no energy and just feel blah, this could be the issue.

I've never been diagnosed with SAD, but I know enough to realize what's happening. So today I got out my Day Light full spectrum light box and ate breakfast in front of it. I love that thing!! It always makes me feel like it's a spring day, even when it's grey and gloomy outside. It does take a couple of days to see big results, but it worked so well last year. I just had breakfast with it, 20 minutes each morning, and before the week was up I had my energy back. I had no more of those winter comfort food cravings and didn't feel like hibernating anymore. I felt like I generally feel in summertime: lighter, more hopeful, and more energetic. I'm hoping for similar results this year because I can't take being a slug anymore.

I also want to take this opportunity to announce the winners of the last 2 giveaways. The winner of the copy of The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl is quarterlifegirl, and the winner of the EatSmart Digital Scale is Sherre. Both winners have been notified and have given me their info, so their prizes are on their way! If you didn't win, don't worry. I have SO MANY very cool giveaways lined up! I plan to do at least one each week, so check back this weekend for the next one.

Have a wonderful, sane, fun filled weekend.

Big Fat Pain

I've often wondered if fat people have more pain than other people. I mean, there's the theory that obesity is a result of using food as comfort, and while I tend to think that's true for many people, I also realize that EVERYONE has pain. Everyone has unpleasantries in their lives. Traumas, stresses, bad days. It happens to us all. But we're not all fat.

There's the alcoholic who drinks to numb the pain. The drug addict who escapes from reality by getting high. How people cope with distress can take so many forms: cutting themselves, gambling, being promiscuous. Even so-called Internet addiction is just another escape. Is binge eating any different? Is eating a bag of chips to calm yourself or forget about your personal anguish any worse, or better, of a coping mechanism?

There are definitely people who cope in a healthy manner, but I've not been one of them. It really began when I went though my divorce from my first husband. The sense of loss of family, the fear of being alone, the isolation and the sudden thrust into poverty were all very painful events. How did I cope? I ate. I found comfort in donuts from the Food Bank. When I picked up that donut, for five minutes, I wasn't sad. When that sugar was melting in my mouth, I wasn't in poverty or lonely or hurting; I was happy, I was enjoying, it was heavenly. For five minutes there was relief. But when the donut was gone, reality seeped back into my consciousness and I was hurting again. If there was another donut in the box, you can guess what happened next.

You can't eat ten donuts in a sitting and not get fat. Not on a regular basis, anyway. You can't keep cramming pizza into your mouth until your stomach is so full that you're numb and not get fat. You have to find better ways to cope with your pain.

Three of my children have chronic health issues. Each diagnosis was so painful for me that the only thing that made the pain stop for a little bit was food. Ten minutes with a bag of Cheetos was better (in my head) than ten minutes with that pain. So I just kept eating.

I've written before about why I am fat. It's complicated. It's not about laziness, and it's not about not understanding nutrition. It's about my coping mechanisms, my sense of entitlement ("I had a bad day, I deserve a piece of cheesecake"), my desire for that comforting sensation of fullness in my stomach when the rest of me is feeling oh-so-empty. It's about fears and wants and needs. And losing weight is about coping better, making healthier choices, and finding comfort in ways that do not include binge eating, drinking, or using drugs.

I'm starting to find comfort in the sheer fact that I am treating myself better and that I am (usually) in control of what I am eating. There's joy in exercise (some days) and in writing about my successes. There's happiness in friendships, in blue skies and in my child's smile. Not just in a donut.

You can lose weight. You can get a grip. It's not impossible. Even if you've tried so many times that you've nearly lost hope, try again. I can tell you this: I'm in a lot less emotional pain now than I was when I was modbidly obese, because being that large hurts emotionally. It also hurts physically. That cookie that you think is going to relieve your pain for 5 minutes is actually going to cause you a lot more agony. Put it down.

The next time you are upset, just sit with the feeling. It's okay to be sad; it's okay to cry. It's okay to get angry. And if we don't stuff those feelings down with food, we are taking the first step to becomeing healthy, both physically and emotionally.

Let the healing begin.

Hot Dog Dreams, and Eating Yourself to Death

Today, all I could think about was hot dogs. Slow roasted, glistening Nathan's hot dogs on toasted buns with spicy brown mustard. And Cheetos. And Coke. I wasn't *trying* to think about hot dogs; it's almost like I have flashbacks that involve not only my mind but my taste buds. My mouth starts watering. I can *feel* the hot dogs in my mouth. The salt... the fat. It seems so real I wonder if hot dogs trigger some kind of weird neuron chain in my head that causes me to relive the whole hot dog experience.

I've written before about how I crave salt (and certain high sodium foods) when I have PMS. When I weighed 278 pounds, it was nothing for me to eat a whole can of Pringles in one sitting, washed down with Coke. And my go-to meal for PMS cravings was hot dogs on buns with Cheetos and Coke. I'd eat 5 or 6 dogs in a meal. Sometimes with sauerkraut. When I changed my eating habits, I still craved salt, but I made crispy baked kale with sea salt, or roasted spicy chickpeas to get some nutrition in with my (much lower) dose of sodium.

Today I took my daughter to the mall to shop. Whenever we go to the mall, she asks for a pretzel or Sbarro's pizza. I have to say one of my favorite unhealthy foods in the world is Sbarro's pizza. It's also a huge trigger for me. As we shopped, I could smell the pizza. She asked. I declined, and we got outta there. On the way home, that's when the hot dog obsession started. I had to have a hot dog. Now. I would buy a pack and only eat one. Or I would buy low fat hot dogs. Or I would eat the whole pack and pretend it never happened.

Instead, I got a small nonfat coffee, got my child a slice of pumpkin bread, and ate 2 bites of it myself. We went home and had a healthy lunch. And although hot dogs were dancing in my head for hours, and I live within (almost) walking distance of hot dogs, I stayed home and controlled myself.

Last year I was talking to an acquaintance who's about my age. He told me that his mother died when he was nine years old and it deeply affected him all his life. I asked what she died from, and he said, "She ate herself to death." I assumed that he meant she died from some obesity-related complication: diabetes, heart disease perhaps. I asked further, and he said, "No. Really. She literally ate herself to death. They found her dead on the sofa, surrounded by Heath bar wrappers." He continued to explain that she knew she had blood sugar problems (I think she was diabetic) and understood the consequences, but as he put it, "she just loved Heath bars." Is this not tragic? A young mother in her 30's, gone all too soon and leaving a child with unimaginable sadness and pain, why? Why. That's why I can't eat the hot dogs. I won't eat myself to death; I can't do it to my children.

My meals today:
Breakfast: homemade breakfast burrito made form a whole grain, low carb tortilla, egg beaters, light cheese, spinach, and turkey sausage, with a cup of green tea and half a Clementine.
Snack: nonfat latte and 2 bites of pumpkin loaf
Lunch: dried apricots and bananas, low fat berry yogurt with fresh cherries and flax granola
Snack: pomegranate white tea
Dinner: lean buffalo chili with beans and tomatoes, dollop of light sour cream, and a slice of low fat cornbread, with a small glass of skim milk.
Total calories: 1720

I biked for 30 minutes. Another good day tomorrow.

Big as a Fridge

This morning, I woke up to a broken refrigerator. It's been on the fritz for awhile now; it's 13 years old so, as you can imagine, it's ready to catch a break from the years of endless opening and shutting and the cumulative hours (years?) of my longing stare as I stood gazing into its depths for something to fill the yearning. Ahhh. It's almost like saying goodbye to an old boyfriend.

Anyway, I went looking at fridges today: side-by-sides, freezer-on-bottom, freezer-on-top (my favorite position... heh). When I came home I went online to check dimensions and pick which one would fit in The Space. I was browsing the nice, big, 21 cubic foot fridges. I need one that is 5' 6" tall... which just happens to be the same height that I am. Suddenly as I was scanning the specs, I saw this: "Approximate shipping weight: 219 pounds."

WHAT??? I weigh *more than a fridge.* I can't believe it. I walked out to the kitchen, looked at my big ol' 5' 6" fridge, stood my 5'6" self next to it, and thought, WOW. That is seriously crazy. My body weighs *more than* an EMPTY fridge. Sheesh...

Let that sink in a bit. Think about how heavy a big fridge is. I think this is the first time I realized just how *heavy* I am. I mean, I know how BIG I am... when I try and fit places or do things my size gets in the way sometimes. But the sheer weight aspect... heavier than a fridge. Even *after* losing over 50 pounds.

Don't worry. I'm not being too hard on myself. I'm not down about it, and I'm not hating on my size. I just found this realization so profound that I *had* to come here and share it. Sometimes the strangest things open our eyes to truths that we *need* to understand.

Thanks for listening. This fridge is shrinkin.'

Habit-A-Week Challenge, Week 13: Develop an Eating Schedule

It's lucky week 13 in the Habit-A-Week Challenge. This week's challenge will be hard for some folks, and a snap for others, but like the other habits there is always something to be improved. The habit this week: eat on a schedule.

Now, I know some of you are going, "oh, no. That won't work. I have to eat when I can. I have to eat when I get hungry." Well, that's fine. I'm not talking about a strict, by-the-clock schedule; rather, a general schedule of how many meals and snacks you PLAN to have, and approximately when. It might be 3 meals and 2 snacks for some, or 5 smaller meals for others. Whatever your style, this habit can work for you.

Why? What's the benefit of eating on a schedule? Well, if you're a grazer like I am, it helps break the *bad* habit of casually snacking out of boredom or just because you feel like it. When I weighed 278 pounds, I used to spend ALL DAY snacking and grazing. Crackers here, sandwich there, candy bar here, handful of chips there. Not a good plan. When you don't space your snacks/meals out, you never get the chance to be empty. In fact, I remember DAYS going by and never feeling like my stomach was emptied at any point... even in the morning, because I'd eat 3 slices of pizza at 11pm and it would just sit like a rock in my stomach until morning. Give your digestive system a break! Lay off the constant eating.

Some people might think that scheduled eating is the polar opposite of intuitive eating; not so. The schedule isn't rigid; if you are truly not hungry at snack time, YOU can make the judgement call to skip the snack or have it an hour later. If you are famished between scheduled meals, you can listen to your body and have a snack, even if it isn't on the schedule. But if you get in the habit of spacing meals and snacks, your body will get used to it. It will know what to expect, and not have to stay on hyper-alert 24/7 for any incoming barrages of food. And really, it's okay to be a little bit hungry.

You can start by deciding how many meals and snacks you think you should have. YOU know when you get hungry, when you usually eat dinner, etc. Plan around that. It might look like this:

Breakfast 8am
Snack 10am
Lunch 12pm
Snack 3pm
Dinner 6pm

(Yeah, that's my schedule). If you get delayed and eat a little late, or need to eat earlier, that's fine. Don't stress. The point here is to be sure you get enough calories but not too many. Get in the habit of waiting for the next eating time unless you are TRULY HUNGRY at an earlier time. So, let's say you ate lunch at noon, and have a snack scheduled around 3. After lunch, you see that your child has left some food on their plate. But you think twice. You don't eat it, because it is NOT TIME to eat. Later, you see a commercial for cheese and crackers, and you want some. But you know that in an hour it will be your snack time, so you wait. Do you see how this can work for you?

It's a great thing to have your mind freed from food obsession for a good part of the day. I'm sure a lot of people get what I mean. Before I began this journey, FOOD was on my mind ALL DAY LONG. After breakfast, I was wondering what yummy thing I could eat next. Any little thing could trigger another eating episode: a magazine ad, a fast food jingle on the radio, the smell of donuts in the grocery store, a commercial, or just seeing a jar of peanut butter in the cabinet. It was one big snackfest. And look where it got me.

Enter the food schedule, and voila! You are FREE! You eat your meal and then you KNOW you will not be eating again until x time (or until you get hungry), so you can actually FORGET about food for awhile and concentrate on other things. Yeah, I know not everyone is so wrapped up in every delectable morsel within 20 miles of them, but you know what, it's not as uncommon as you think. Get the food out of your head, and it gets your head out of the food. Or something like that.

Even if you're not completely obsessed, implementing some discipline into your eating habits may be helpful. Learning to say no to your cravings can be a good thing when you're trying to lose weight. Having a schedule makes you think before you eat. "Am I really hungry? Why do I want to eat that? Can I wait until my next snack/meal?"

If you already eat on a relatively stable schedule, you can take this week to work on WHERE you eat those scheduled meals: in the car? in front of the TV? You'll get more enjoyment and satisfaction by focusing on your food. Try sitting at the kitchen/dining room table for all of your eating (when you're home. If you are at work, perhaps there is a similar "eating spot" where you can always eat, away from your desk and workload). By cutting back on distracted eating you'll pay more attention to your food and actually remember eating that serving of ice cream instead of looking down at an empty bowl on your lap during a commercial and wondering, "hey! Where'd it go?" Try planning enough time to sit down and eat rather than eating in the car or while you're doing other things. Put the focus on your food, where it belongs.

If you're just joining us and would like to read about the Challenges we have tackled so far, you can see them here:
Week 12: Write it Down
Week 11, which includes links to the previous 10 habits: Find Alternatives to Eating
You can go back and start at Week 1 later, if you'd like, when the 16 weeks are all complete. Since everyone can use some improvement, it's a good idea to keep working on these habits, or at least reviewing them and evaluating your progress over time. One habit per week. Your life will change. Never give up.

"Okay" is Not Good Enough

It's been a rough week for me, trying to get back to 100% on plan after the holidays, but I have had some really great victories as well. I pulled a typical "head-in-the-sand" tactic of avoiding the scale, though, so I don't know if my efforts were enough to see a loss, but I doubt it. I can tell I am bloated, because when I didn't get to my laundry and was reduced to one last pair of (tight, unforgiving denim) jeans, they were NOT comfortable. They used to have a gap of an inch or so in the waist, and now they fit just right... until I eat all day. After dinner I was walking around with the fly down and my shirt pulled over the gap for decency's sake. That tells me I need to quit messing around.

So let me just do a sort of "pros and cons" for the week, only it is more of a "victories and screw ups" list. I'm doing a lot better than I did BEFORE I lost weight, but not as good as I was when it was actually coming off on a regular basis. I need to get my head back in the game instead of worrying about life's problems all the time.

My husband left this week and I don't know when he is coming back to "visit our daughter." Whenever he leaves, I have a mini-emotional breakdown because frankly I love him and wish things were different. When I went to clean out the cabinets of his junk, I took his case of Heath bars and was putting them in the downstairs freezer (because then they are too hard to get to) but on the way, I flipped out and ate two. HOWEVER, I also threw out a lot of other junk, including an almost-full, 56-ounce XXL bag of M&M's he'd bought for the holidays. I admit that in the split second that I was pouring them into the trash my brain screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOO!! Save them for the kids!!!!!!" but I kept pouring. Out they went. I also dumped the rest of a half gallon of eggnog down the drain. So now my kitchen is relatively safe.

One night, after a day of wonderful healthy on-plan eating, a day before my husband was leaving, I had planned all day for a long hot bath. One of my favorite things in the world is a good soak with some bath salts or other nice smelling stuff. It actually substitutes for comfort eating for me. Something about the sensory input. But it really is a luxury. It's not often I have the time AND someone to hang out in case the toddler decides to get out of bed (can't have her wandering around making herself smoothies in the middle of the night). Anyway, I had gone out and bought myself a bath bomb and couldn't wait for the chance to soak for an hour after dinner. I got the toddler to bed, got the other kids settled down, and waited for the husband to come in the living room so I could ask him to hang out for the toddler. He walked in the room, and I kid you not, AS I was shutting my laptop and opening my mouth to ask, he said, "I'm going to take a bath now" and trundled off for the bathroom. Sooooo. Any mature person would a) do something else, shrug, and have their bath some other time, or b) ask him if he would mind putting off HIS bath for some other time, or c) tackle him to the ground, scramble over his body, bolt to the bathroom and lock the door. Okay, scratch c... But anyway, I didn't feel right asking him to let ME have the bath. He wanted one too. Let him have his bath. But once he got in there, I was kinda pissy. He usually takes 2 to 3 hours in the bath so I couldn't take one AFTER him. I was hungry. I had some calories left. I figured I would have my OTHER favorite indulgence: hot tea. Made the tea, and one piece of cinnamon toast to go with it. Which turned into a toast festival... piece after piece... until I had eaten 4 pieces of toast and before I knew it I was unwrapping an ice cream sandwich and stuffing it in my mouth. However, I had the presence of mind to realize what I was doing as soon as the ice cream hit my mouth, and I whipped around and SPIT IT OUT into the trash, and stuffed the rest of it down under the garbage. I then told myself to knock it off and act like a grown up, and I was fine the rest of the night.

Also, we had a family birthday (actually my son was gone for his birthday so we had it later) with cake and ice cream. His birthday dinner was prime rib and tater tots. So although I ate normal sized portions of these foods, and the ice cream was low fat, I still felt bloated afterward.

I've been biking through most of this. My goal is 6 days per week, and I was doing that, but the pain in my knees started to get unbearable. If you've read much about the issues I have with my knees, you know what I'm talking about here. I've been in pain daily for years, but with the weight loss and exercise it had become minimal. But over the last 2 weeks, oh my goodness. The pain has gotten so much worse. I think I messed something up, or maybe it's just time working against me. After all, the orthopedic surgeon told me I need knee replacements. When I told him that my mother had to use a cane by the time she was 50, his response was, "at the rate you're going, you'll have her beat." He saw a future of complete knee failure within just a few years for me if I stayed at 278 pounds, and losing weight would buy me a few extra years before needing surgery. Well, things are better, but obviously not better enough. I've had to skip biking a few days this week due to the amount of pain I am in. I've been limping again. I don't like it at all. It's become difficult to go up and down stairs again, just because of the knee pain. The only thing I can do is get some more weight off and hope it alleviates the pain a bit more until I have health insurance again. So that has been a bummer. I want to bike MORE. I want to talk long walks. But I can't. If I tried to walk a mile right now, they would have to bring me home on a stretcher. I'll just keep trying to bike when I can.

I did eat pretty well most of the week, though. I have been eating lots more produce. I've been eating baby spinach, orange bell peppers, romaine, beets and greens, zucchini, squash, sweet potatoes, black beans, hummus, carrots, celery, apples, strawberries, pineapple, Clementines, grapefruit, pears, and cherries. Lots of green tea. I've recognized that cereals are a trigger for me, so it is pointless to try and eat a bowl of even the healthiest cereal for breakfast or a snack because all I want is another bowl, and another, and another. I'll stick with the oatmeal and cream of wheat, which don't freak out my system the same way.

Next week I am going to cut out sugar from my diet. I've been sneaking some in here and there: in my tea, in my oatmeal, maybe a sweet snack on occasion. I think the sugar makes my joint pain worse, and doesn't help my cravings. So out it goes. I am also going to do better than "just okay" with the rest of my eating. I need to be more serious with myself to see pounds coming off.

Today's plan: oatmeal with berries for breakfast; salad full of veggies and beans for lunch with a side of Clementines and some kefir; lean buffalo chili for dinner, maybe with some low fat corn bread. Snacks will be cherries, pineapple, carrots with hummus, maybe a lite yogurt. Lots of hot green tea in between. And I will make the effort to bike unless the pain prevents me.

Be well and have a great weekend!

The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

I am so excited today to be part of the Dietgirl Virtual Book Tour! The author, Shauna Reid, was kind enough to send me a copy of The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl several weeks ago and I've thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Shauna is a woman who has lost 175 pounds and kept it off, so I know you'll want to join me in learning from her experience. If she can do it, so can you. Shauna is the author of the Dietgirl blog, which I have been reading for at least a year now. Hop over and check it out!

Shauna is a gifted writer. When I picked up her book and read the introduction describing her size 26 underpants that "billowed in the sticky summer breeze, curved and enormous like the sails of the Sidney Opera House," I knew I was going to enjoy this read. Not because I like reading about underpants in particular, but because I like the honesty and transparency that this kind of writing entails. This book isn't fake. It doesn't hide the bits of ugliness about being fat. We all know how it feels to have that moment of utter shame and disgust where we just HAVE to do something about our weight. Shauna had that moment: "But in the end it's just me under the clothesline, shocked and humiliated by the sight of my monster underpants." And she did something about it, as you can see in this picture:

(Shauna and her husband in her old "fat jeans." She lost even MORE weight after that!)

Today I want to share a few passages from the book with you, along the questions that swirled in my head as I read them. And the best part... Shauna's answers! (quoted parts are from the Dietgirl book; my questions follow).

Quote: "Do you ever feel you're so eager to be skinny and tap into the sexy clothes and supple flesh, but part of you is afraid of missing out on something if you don't stay fat?"

Lyn: How do you feel about this now? Are you missing out on anything by not being fat?

Shauna: I don't think feel like I am missing out on anything so much as I miss my most convenient excuse. I used my weight as a reason not to confront things or people, to not try new things and to hide away from the world. I may have lost some pounds but I've still got the same personality. Sometimes I just can't be bothered going out or doing something, but I can longer trot out my trusty excuses: "Well I won't fit into those chairs" or "everyone will stare at me" or "I haven't got anything to wear". I saw my fat as a valid reason to hold back. Without that, I have to get down to the real issue - fear, pride, laziness, and sometimes I just don't wanna get down to the real issue! :) There's also a tiny, destructive part of my personality that sometimes misses the way I used to eat. But when I am depressed or angry or whatever, sometimes I miss the oblivion I found from bingeing. I miss the planning of what I'm going to eat, hunting it down at the shops; the total escape as I ate the food. I think it was the not caring... that screw you world feeling as I sat down with a tub of ice cream that was all for me. Of course I don't miss the instant remorse and how it didn't solve anything at all... but I think it's the ritual that I miss sometimes. I hope you all don't think I'm a weirdo now. Please read on!

Lyn: You're *totally* not a weirdo, Shauna! I have had those same exact feelings while I am on plan... wishing I could just forget it all and plop down with all my old 'friends.'

Quote: "Weight loss isn't about willpower or motivation; it's just the cumulative effect of tiny actions over time. Putting down the chocolate bars, putting on the running shoes. You just have to keep picking yourself up when you fall, over and over again, for however long it takes."

Lyn: What about maintenance? Is maintaining your weight also *not* about willpower/motivation? How is maintenance different... or is it the same mindset as losing weight?

Shauna: It's taken me two years of maintenance to admit this to myself - weight loss and maintenance are pretty much the same. When I was in weight loss mode, I hated when people said, "Weight loss is SO easy! Just wait to you start maintaining little missy - that's where the real work begins!" Grrrr! Neither of them are easy. They both can be really, really sucky sometimes. I've discovered I need the same basic, never-say-die mindset as I did for weight loss. Things like taking one day at a time, setting goals, trying to make the healthiest decisions I can, focusing on my positive actions and not beating myself up for the crappy ones, and most importantly, just never giving up!

Quote, with commentary: After losing 160 pounds, Shauna wrote: "Am I still a helpless blob... or am I just as Gareth sees me, a normal, healthy chick...?" She wondered if people were looking at her and thinking, "Who's this big lump, thinking she knows all about health and fitness?" Even after such a large weight loss Shauna still imagined herself as "a huge blubbery pile." I think lots of us struggle with body image in this same way. It's hard to let go of that Fat Chick mentality, and as Shauna put it, "I don't quite know who I want to be lately. I feel so desperate to escape from the Old Shauna, but part of me doesn't want to let her go."

Lyn: I have this same problem. I just do not *see* the weight loss in myself. Do you still feel fat sometimes? How has your body image changed? Have you finally "let the Old Shauna go?"

Shauna: My fat seems to be a state of mind. When I started out at 351, I thought I'd loathe my body until the magic moment I got to goal. But my body image started to change much earlier, thank goodness. I've felt svelte and sexy at 300 pounds and miserably lardy at 175, it all depends on how well I'm taking care of myself. I had some darker periods last year when life got very overwhelming, and even though my weight was the same and I was wearing the same clothes, I felt enormous. My body image is great when I do a minimum of things that help me feel good in my skin - eating well, a decent amount of exercise, and taking the time to wear clothes that fit me well and make me feel good and not slob around in baggy things. But when I don't do these things, my moods tend to plummet and my body image suffers. I can feel like the Old Shauna again. But I've learned how to pull myself out of that feeling; I'm only ever one day away from feeling good again. It's impossible to feel bad about my body when it's just survived a crazy kickboxing class - endorphins rule!

Lyn: When Shauna's story and photos were published in Grazia magazine, it brought up new fears:

Quote: "What if somebody I knew read the story? What would they think of my secret lardy past? What if they read all my self-indulgent rantings on the Internet? What would they think of me then?"

Lyn: How have people responded to you when they read about your past? Has everyone been supportive? Has anyone been critical? How has this affected you?

Shauna: I initally kept my blog secret from everyone in my real life because I didn't want them seeing just how miserable and neurotic I was about my weight issues. I felt quite ashamed of it, and I didn't want to burden anyone. When I finally "came out" everyone was supportive and encouraging and not at all critical. Many were surprised and quite upset that I didn't let them know how unhappy I was. In hindsight I feel terrible that I didn't open up to my friends, but back then I saw everything through my fat goggles - I was so convinced my weight issues were a shameful secret, that's why I whispered about them anonymously on the web. It's nice to have it in the open now. Sadly it caused caused strain on a couple of friendships but for the most part the book and blog brought me closer to friends and family and even general accquaintances. Even if they have no weight issues, most people have some kinda issues and being open about mine has encouraged them to share too.

Lyn: Are there foods that are still a problem for you? Foods that tempt you to eat far more of them than you reasonably should? How do you deal with cravings? And do you ever fear that you will regain the weight?

Shauna: Again it all depends on my emotional state! I can go for months or years and not think about a certain food then all of a sudden, POW! It's on my mind. I just accept now that I'm always going to have issues with food, but I'm more aware now of what triggers those issues so I can be on the lookout!

Ice cream is the one thing I prefer to keep out of the house. Plain old vanilla is my weakness. Once the tub has been cracked open it just calls my name and I start daydreaming of all the things I could mix into it! So I find it easier to buy a single serving, like a really great gelato cone every now and then, and savour the hell out of it.

If I have a craving, the first thing I do is ask myself if I really want it or am I just cranky, bored, etc. If the answer is still yes, I zoom right down to specifically what it is I want. Like not just "chocolate", it's a brand, a flavour. I buy a small individual serving then try to wait for a quiet moment - no TV, no one yapping in ear - and sit down, eat it slowly and enjoy every bite. I eat so much less food if I just take the time to pay attention!

As for regaining the weight, I don't fear it anymore. I accept that I'm going to have crappy periods when I regain some weight - 5, 10, 20 pounds or more. This has happened to me already in both the weight loss and maintenance phases. And who knows how pounds I'd gain if I ever have a kid. But I know how to deal with that without panicking and letting it spiral out of control. To regain all 175 pounds and go back to eating half-gallons of ice cream in one sitting... that would take a complete personality transplant. Even when I have rough periods and eat more than usual, in the back of my mind I'm already pondering my Getting Back On Track strategies.

Lyn: Thanks SO much for the lovely interview, Shauna! I know lots of people will benefit from your wisdom and your story.

If you'd like to win a free copy of Shauna's book, just leave a comment telling me one thing you are going to do today to make YOUR life better. And then go and do it! The contest is open only to readers in the USA (sorry, publisher's rules!) and you must leave a link or email address where you can be reached if you're the winner. If you can't wait, head on over to amazon where you can purchase the book today.