Saturday, December 5, 2009

Feeling Great!

Today, I weigh 227 pounds. And it feels SO RIGHT. It feels like I am finally *exactly* where I should be both physically and mentally. You might think that's a really strange thing to hear from a woman who is at least 70 pounds overweight, but I am not talking about reaching a destination here. I am not talking about BMI charts or desired outcomes or clothing sizes. I am talking about my actual weight *finally* matching my mental and emotional weight. Let me explain.

Sometimes, you feel like you weigh a LOT more than you really do. Other times, you feel like you weigh far less than you really do. In both cases, the head games can be uncomfortable. You look in the mirror and gasp, because the person you see is either MUCH fatter or far thinner than you expected. Your mental image does not match your actual physical state. And there is discomfort at the *thought* of being a certain weight when your brain is not actually *there.* Like, when I weighed 233 a week ago, I felt like I was TOO FAT. When I weighed 214 a year and a half ago, I felt like I was TOO THIN. In both cases I was not comfortable with my body and it caused me a bit of emotional distress. Not a lot, but enough to notice.

When you're on a weight loss journey, especially a long one with ups and downs (and having a touch of body dysmorphia), BEING the weight that you IMAGINE yourself to be can be a rare thing. Finding a moment where you body reality and brain image coincides is a grand thing and feels just, well, delightful. And that's where I am right now.

I feel absolutely at home with my 227-pound body. I am happy. Oh yes, I am intent on losing more weight and getting well below 227, but somehow, right now the 220's feels like right where I need to be, mentally, emotionally. So I'll enjoy it, and hope that by the time I melt away another 8 pounds my brain is ready to see 219 on the scale.

This week I biked most days (30 minutes) and walked once (about 35 minutes). Some of the stuff I ate was:

grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup
barbecued pork ribs, mashed potatoes and green beans
oatmeal cooked with butternut squash, apples, cinnamon, and pumpkin, topped with slivered toasted almonds, maple syrup, pomegranate arils, and milk
Chai tea lattes (with agave nectar)
cornbread chili pie with sour cream
butternut squash macaroni and cheese
big spinach salads with Gorgonzola, crumbled bacon, pine nuts, and apple cider dressing
chocolate mousse

Yeah. No deprivation here! Life is good.

An aside...
You may recall that in September, I swore off all fast food. This was difficult for my 4-year-old, who had been getting a Happy Meal almost every week (chicken nuggets, fries, juice box). She LOVED those things. For the first two weeks, every time she saw a McDonalds she had a breakdown. She asked, she begged. "PLEASE Mommy! YOU don't have to get anything if you don't like McDonald's! Just get me some nuggets!" The next few weeks were grumbles of, "Mommy USED to take me to McDonald's, but she doesn't anymore." I had explained a bit about the salt and grease. I had baked her some nuggets and fries at home. She got used to it. She quit asking. Then, last week her dance instructor handed out (gasp) coupons for free chicken nuggets. When my daughter saw the coupon she lit up and jumped with joy! She was so excited (in fact, the coupon was part of a reward she earned in class). After some thought, I told her, "Okay. I will take you through the drive-through and we will pick up your free nuggets and some fries, and we will go home and you can have that for lunch. But this is a one-time thing. We are not going to keep going to McDonald's." She was thrilled!

We went and got her food (I got nothing, I am NOT going back to that place!) She sat down at the table and enjoyed every single bite. She really mmmmm-ed and ahhhh-ed over those nuggets and fries, which she hadn't had in two and a half months. And two hours later, she had some really bad diarrhea. She was on the toilet all evening pooping out greasy nastiness. I guess her body just isn't used to that garbage anymore! No fever, no other "sick" symptoms, so I feel sure it was the McDonald's. She was fine by morning, and she said, "I am NEVER eating McDonald's again!" Lesson learned!

We got our Christmas tree today and I am basking in the wonderful fir tree scent wafting through my living room. Tomorrow we'll play Christmas music and hang lights, ornaments, and candy canes on the tree. I am so excited! I can't wait! Life is good.


Margie M. said...

Great post. Good that your daughter, at 4, is old enough to realize the "McFood" did a number on her tummy. Best lesson in the world is one learned by yourself. Which is exactly what you've been doing, as well, on your journey.

What a Splurge said...

My child is an adult now but I well remember the times it would have been so much easier to say yes than no. But that's what real parenting is. I commend you for sticking to your guns on the regular visits to McDonalds. Your little one has a great role model in you.

flyingwoman said...

Cool beans for you!

I wish I was there. My brain insists that I am smaller than I actually am... and while that might sound preferable to some, it's very defeating. Looking into a mirror or seeing a picture someone snapped... it's very defeating to confront how far from reality you mind is... and a hard blow to an already fragile body image.

Cheryl said...

I get where you are coming from. Two months ago, I weighed 238, and I felt pretty good about it, since I weighed 278 this time last year. Then I kinda stopped taking care of myself and for. the last couple of weeks I've been feeling SO FAT. I finally jumped on the scale this morning: 239. Go figure. I'm back on the wagon!

screwdestiny said...

Haha, it sounds like when I was cooking all healthy meals at home for about six weeks straight and then my boyfriend tried eating some fast food. He said it didn't go well either. Funny how our body doesn't have a bad reaction when we start feeding it good stuff though, even if it's not used to it. :)

NaN said...

Love your post- I notice you eat a lot of fiber too; that really helps me with dieting. I have a butternut squash to cook for tonight. I might go 'whole hog' and make some soup LOL.

F. McButter Pants said...

Life is good! Loved your post. Glad that you are feeling good. That you are comfortable in your own skin. I would take that over a huge drop in the scales ANYDAY! ANYDAY!

Enjoy getting your halls decked!

karen@fitnessjourney said...

Now if that isn't a testimonial for healthy eating, nothing is. Poor little thing. That was a hard lesson for her, but you have saved her a lot of grief later in life.

I just love your attitude!

Certifiably Fit said...

Glad to hear you are feeling great! Good to see that your daughter recognized that the McD's is the reason she felt sick. Have fun with your decorating.

Karen in Tennessee said...

I am so glad you are feeling great. With your encouragement and inspiration, I am down 21 pounds (90 to go to my goal of 175 or 110 pounds to lose if I want a normal BMI!!!) but already I feel better. My clothes are not skin tight and I don't feel like a beached whale trying to get off the couch now. I am no longer in and out of a sugar coma, running blood sugars of 350+, or unable to sleep. I need to remember THIS feeling when I decide a box of Little Debbies is more important to me than getting healthy!!!

Excellent post, as always, Lyn!!!

Vickie said...

first my body did the dumping thing - then my kids' bodies did the same thing - and my husband's.

it is amazing how quickly the body expects quality food and how sick one gets from non-quality, non-food.

that is why people get wl surgery - to gain the dumping syndrome, to have someone 'make' them feel very sick if they eat the wrong thing.

Vickie said...

and I love what you wrote about having everything in sync. perception and reality.

I would go one step further and say our actions and our feelings and our physical circumstances all have to be in sync. my beloved EVEN-ness.

Anonymous said...

wha the hell is wrong with a dance teacher who gives out fast food coupons? Ugh.

Good for your dd for making a smart choice. My dd eschews fast food too.

bbubblyb said...

Great post! Have fun decorating that's what I'll be doing today too.

Stella said...

Body Image is a struggle for all of us trying to loose the pounds. I'm glad you have found a little sanity around the mirror image thing.

I'm with anon on the giving out free food coupons to children! Urgh seconded.

Ms. PJ Geek said...

Good post. I also suffer from body dysmorphia. That's how I got to 345lbs. Now that I've lost down to 234 I sometimes feel just as big. I have to mentally remind myself you HAVE lost 100lb! I even created a little poster with dates and weights and measurements over the last 2 years when I lost the weigh because I couldn't feel it or remember it. I haven't weighed less than 234 since sometime around the mid 1980's. So I feel like I'm going through uncharted territory. Thank God for the internet because we can share and learn from others and no that we're ok. Happy Christmas tree decorating!

100togo said...

Good for you! I think I understand what you mean about feeling comfortable with your body vs. your body image. It makes sense .... it's like you've reached a stable point ... a sense of homeostatis .... that is so great. You inspire me, girl! Take care!

Megan said...

I totally relate to what you're saying in this post. I always FEEL thinner than what I actually am, until I see pictures of myself...then I think, Wow I'm that big? Losing weight is definitely a journey. And I'm glad your daughter is learning new healthy habits. If she learns those habits now, then it may be easier for her as an adult to make those healthy choices. Good for you!

Chibi Jeebs said...

This *is* great! There's nothing better than feeling comfortable in your own skin. I haven't been doing as much/well as I could lately, but I'm feeling okay with where I am: I'm not 100% comfortable with the status quo, but I'm not filled with self-loathing when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, either. (I, too, am "thinner" in my mind's eye than I am in real life, so it's always a slap in the face when I actually *see* myself.)

I'm sorry your daughter experienced (one of) the downside to McYuck's, but so glad she knew that that's what did it to her - it's a lesson we ALL need to learn!

Miz said...


and no comment.


crickets chirping

about the mcdonalds and the child.

Mine? not so intuitive---YET :)

Me said...

Thank you so much for describing the 'feeling the same as you weigh' emotions. It finally makes sense to me why I'm so dissapointed most of the times when I weigh myself.
Like this morning when I had actually gained weight in a month when actually I was feeling so good and was sure I had lost weight by the way my clothes fit and what I saw in the mirror.
Thank you, reading your blog makes me feel better now. Clearer head.

Great gain with your daughter and the Mac! I don't go there that much either. Maybe three times a year.
I like making/cooking my own junk food, it's much better and usually healthier!

Enjoy the feeling as long as you can!

Steelers6 said...

Seems ironic about a dance teacher giving out the coupons, but I guess that is simply our perspective right now..from the healthy side of town. =) Hard not to be judgemental too, sometimes on the healthy side of town.

While reading about your dd's sadness re giving up her fave restaurant, I was thinking about your post when your Mom required you to give up ALLL holidays & celebrations & how painful that was for a little girl. That said, I was so happy that you opted to allow a "one time deal" for her. Hard, yes, but I thought a good way to handle it, and even better when I read the rest of the story! Of course I am not happy that babygirl got sick, but what a lesson, what a way to have Mommy's point made w/no words at all. Yay! And another great compromise you make is making her her fave treats at home the healthier way, and of course they are still getting special things like birthday cakes and Christmas cookies, so it isn't like their healthy Mom totally shut down their fun. =) Yet. haha.

You are doing great, my friend. <3

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

What a favor you're doing your child weaning her off McDonald's before it gets too big a grasp on her. I had a similar experience when I quit buying a lot of crappy snacks for my kids. There was grumbling, complaining and whining, but it ended and now they've embraced healthier options. How much better will that be for them in the long run?

happyfunpants said...

I totally agree with what everyone else has said in the comments about weaning your daughter off McD's.

Sometimes I wonder if I would've made the mental connection of bad poops with greasy food if I would have struggled as much. But that's a different lesson for a different time.

What I really wanted to write about was how proud I am that you're happy with where you're at. I know that you're not losing sight of losing more, but I love that you're at home with where you're at now.

I'm in the 220's as well and I am finally ready to start seeing 219 on the scale. I spent almost all year in the 220's...and I'm finally ready to let it go.

Lyn - you are always so inspirational! :)

Anonymous said...

Reading through your post AND the comments is a wonderful reminder that I'm not alone when I think, "who the heck *is* that?!?" as I pass by a mirror.

Congratulations on reaching a moment where your self-image and body reality match up. Here's to many more.

And ditto on loving the smell of a Christmas tree in the home!

Tony the Pink Panda said...

Being obese as a child makes it much harder to lose weight as an adult. The choices you are making for your daughter are the right ones.

jenn @ thin by 30 said...

I understand what you mean when you talk about the weight you should be mentally. Right now I think I'm thinner than I am. Then I see a picture of myself and I'm honestly shocked. A couple years ago I lost weight (on a very strict- not so healthy diet that I won't do again) and I wasn't where I needed to be yet, but I was at a weight that I felt was right mentally. I still wanted to lose more, but I felt like I matched my weight finally.

I'm only about twenty pounds away from that weight, so hopefully I'll get there again before too long. And keep going from there.