Monday, November 2, 2009

Real Me

Today when I was taking my child into preschool, I looked down at my grey-shirted midsection as I walked and thought, "Wow. Hey. I am starting to look like a normal person again."

At 233 pounds I am not, in any sense of the word, a "normal" weight. I am not "normal" on the BMI scale. I am not a person that walks down the street exuding "normal" vibes. I still come on the radar as a fat person. But most importantly... maybe the only truly important aspect... I do not see MYSELF, inwardly, as Someone Who Is Obese.

I still think of myself... or like to think of myself... as thin but curvy. I still feel, on some level, like that hot girl who went to college and dated lots of guys, who fit into cute clothes, who owned her body with its softness and curves and strengths. I always felt weird after I gained weight, when I'd look down and see rolls or bulges or that huge pregnant yet unpregnant belly. "What the hell is that? That cannot be part of me. That does not belong there."

I appreciate what my body has done for me, flaws and all. I love it for carrying seven babies... five to term. I love my body for the great distances it has come, the love it has given, the hills it has conquered. Yet for decades I've looked down and wondered, who put this thick cloak of fat over me? And how do I get it off?

There are things about me that haven't changed: the blue of my eyes, the soft curl of my long hair, the fairness of my skin. But I want to look down and see ME. I want to see the me that has been hidden under all this fat for so very long. And today, I saw a glimpse of that.

My waist is coming back, and I love the curve of my chest and taper of my middle. I looked down and saw a shape. A shape that was not an oval. I like what I am seeing.

It's going to take a lot of work to mitigate the damage that binge eating has done to my once healthy body. But I can do it. I will get back to a place where the mirror matches the mental image that I have had for oh so long... the real me. The healthy me. The strong me.

I am already beautiful, but the best is still to come.

19 comments:

Carly said...

I feel inspired to keep on going after reading your post. I too dislike the apple shape, and love seeing definition re-appear after all this time. You are doing so well, thank you for taking the time to share your progress xx

Autumnforest said...

Oh boy, I agree with Carly. When I'm skinny, I'm a pencil. When I'm fat, I'm a tree trunk. I hate having to buy huge sized pants to fit the belly and then they pop off and I have no hips to catch them. My waist is a 16, my hips a 12! Yikes! I wish I had your curves. I'd love to have that curly waist curve instead of a Kelly Ripa boy's body when I'm thin. Every time you begin to notice these things changing in your body, you begin to love that body again and you want to protect it. Besides, it's a temple, it housed all those beautiful babies! Continue to treat it like the shrine it should be.

Melissa said...

Wow- thanks for your post. So encouraging. I did my measurements this morning. I've lost some more but not a lot. But i can't wait till i notice the shape...:)

Good for you!

Cathy said...

Way to go! I always find it hard to re program my brain to say nice things. My negative tape plays a lot these days.

Take care!

Chibi Jeebs said...

"I am already beautiful, but the best is still to come."

Hear, hear! Excellent post!

I'm another one who doesn't see herself as obese in my head, so it always catches me off-guard when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Miss Felicity said...

I always feel cute. I definately walk lightly and do not feel like I am fat! I have always been fatter than all my friends. But when I see myself in the mirror or a window reflection, I wonder if thats what everyone else sees? Cause I dont feel as heavy as I am. Weird....

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Lyn. Glad you're feeling so good.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Tammy said...

Dude...I've always looked like a potato on stilts. It will be nice when my big ol' stomach finally gets more proportionate with my skinnier legs, lol.

Leslie said...

You've lost the *BLOAT* Lyn!! I'm in the same boat... haven't lost a lot of weight, but since giving up pop, sugar and refined carbs, I feel 200% better and I've inches around my belly.... where I looked 6 months pregnant 4 weeks ago, today I only look 3 :)

HATE that bloat and glad it's gone - congrats to you!!!

Farida said...

Such a beautiful entry. I just recently came across your blog, and I must say "Thank You" for sharing your journey with us. I wish you loads of success! I'm trying to lose some lbs too. :)

Foodie Girl said...

Well said!

Val said...

AMEN!!!!! What an awesome post. I loved it :)

screwdestiny said...

One of the most awesome things about the body is its ability to adapt and change. If you keep up this healthy lifestyle you will be back to where you want to be.

Georgia Mist said...

Yes, you ARE beautiful! Never forget that!
Your body will continue to refine and define itself -- never look back!

Candace said...

Awesome work~

oshea12566 said...

Keep it up girl. You inspire me to win the battle against the Evil Crave and get my ass in gear to change my shape from a lower case "b", to a more svelt "V".

Diana said...

That's how it should always be. We should look at the good things, the things we like about ourselves. And accept the not so good things too. They're part of us, perfect or not, and they allow us to do so much... let's give our body some credit. :)

Coley said...

What a great post! :)

allthingsjuice said...

Yes yes yes!!!!! I love that you are acknowledging the positives. Keep up the awesome work.