Thursday, October 29, 2009

Things Are Different

I woke up this morning with *raging* PMS and soon was facing a similarly raging daughter. Okay, she wasn't exactly raging, but she decided that SCREAMING... shrieking, in fact... is a fun pasttime even when one is sitting on time out for it. Thirty minutes later, my ears were ringing, my guts were cramping, I had a backache and a headache and my nerves were SHOT. I felt like someone had been doing nails on a chalkboard next to my head for a half hour. My coffee sat cold and untouched; I couldn't enjoy it so I didn't drink it. After the child finally stopped her assault on my eardrums, she was happy and calm as could be. I, on the other hand, was a bundle of unpleasantness and literally felt like my nerves were "shorting out," going, bzzt... bzzzt under my skin.

I sat to chill. I distracted myself with some reading until I felt better, warmed up my coffee and gave myself a fresh start. And my day has gone better... quite well in fact... since then.

I do remember a time when I actually used to cope with this kind of nerve-wracking stuff with FOOD. Yes, I did. Is there anything that food wasn't the solution for back then? I remember when my boys were little and would occasionally misbehave. Such angels, my children, but once in awhile they were loud or defiant or argumentative. Being an only child, I seem to have a low tolerance for chaos and noise. A bunch of children are loud... they move a lot, they make a lot of mess and insanity at times. Coming from a background where my home was quiet, orderly, structured, and peaceful turned me on my head. I had been used to coming home to silence or maybe TV, sitting down with a book and reading for hours with no disturbance. After I had four of my kids, there was almost NEVER silence. It was crazy noisy. I loved it on some levels but I also felt my brain shorting out once in awhile. If one of them was acting up, I used time out. And can you guess what I would be doing during the 4 minutes that they were on the time out chair? That's right, I was in the kitchen violently shoving food down my throat in an effort to get control over my feelings of being overwhelmed. When they misbehaved, I'd deal with it but in between I would eat thousands of calories. It got to the point that whenever one of the boys started yelling or jumping off furniture or throwing their trucks off the deck, I'd run for a candy bar before I'd handle the issue. Whenever I had to discipline them, I was immediately in the kitchen for a slice of pizza. It was automatic. Stress over kids became a trigger to eat.

I didn't realize it until hours later, but while I was dealing with my daughter's screaming for 30 minutes this morning, I NEVER ONCE even got an URGE to go shove food in my mouth. Not for one second did I even consider using food to cope! I am astounded. This is really significant to me. Not that I didn't DO it, but that I didn't even THINK of doing it! That means things have changed. REALLY changed!

My daughter and I went on to have a lovely, pleasant day in which she showed me her very best behavior and manners. I had my oatmeal and took her to gymnastics. Afterwards we went shopping and then stopped for lunch. For the first time in three weeks, she asked for McDonald's!! Remember when she asked EVERY DAY?? I told her no, but we can go someplace nice. We stopped at a little place that has good food and nice scenery. She got her sandwich with hummus and potato wedges. I got a lovely, big salad: piles of romaine tossed with fresh sliced apples, mesquite grilled chicken breast, crumbled blue cheese, bacon, and candied pecans with honey mustard dressing. I enjoyed this immensely with a slice of warm, crusty baguette and a bit of butter. So delicious!

Life's so enjoyable now, even when I have PMS (which, by the way, is bad but not nearly as bad as it was when I was eating junk). Life is nice even when my daughter has an off morning; I rebound from the chaos a lot faster than I used to and don't let it affect my entire day. I know I am a better mother because of this. I am a better person.

I am just so happy, cramps, backache, bloating, and all! This journey is so much more than losing weight. It is gaining *life*!

14 comments:

Emma said...

you're such an inspiration i love reading your posts. I have also found since cutting out the junk my periods aren't nearly as bad as they used to be. they are also very clearly defined - if that makes sense. i think because i feel so *great* all the time when i do get my period the cramps, bloating etc are kind of obvious and i know exactly what's causing it and I can deal with it without resorting to food unlike before whne i just felt crap all the time! thanks for posting :)

susie said...

I am still where you were several weeks ago. You are an inspiration. I can. I will. Keep it up.

Sheryl said...

I'm so happy for you and your non-scale victory and what a victory it is.

Diana said...

I'm glad things are different for you now. :)

Rae at 24:01 A.M. said...

It is so true that if you eat healthy, PMS isn't so bad! That's why I've been eating celery and all those yummy (no sarcasm, I really do love vegetables like no-flavor celery) vegetables the past couple of days. But yet, I've still been in a pretty sour mood....but it's because of other things.

Stupid teenage problems.

destinationathlete said...

You are such an inspiration - you can do it - hell, you ARE doing it, every day!

Autumnforest said...

You really do say what we all think and I love your frankness. I realize when I read what you say, that we really are all in the same boat, we just haven't been mooring at the same dock to notice the similarities. I love that you're showing us what goes on inside. We all say the same things internally and go through the same fights inside. Keep inspiring yourself and, in turn, us.

Larkspur said...

Yay! Happy to hear you had a (mostly!) lovely day.

Foodie Girl said...

I am definitely inspired and looking forward to the same successes one day. Thanks for giving me a boost!

Shannon Fab Fattie said...

Gaining life! I love that. I cannot wait until the day that I do not stress eat. I have realized this week it is still an issue for me.
I think it is awsome you have your daughter learning healthy eating right along with you. That will make such a difference in her future.

sue said...

honestly, do you know how profound that was for me? Trust me

sue...again :) said...

I have always said, when my eating is in control my life seems in control.

Mama Bear June said...

Great job making healthy changes in your life.
Path to Health

Vickie said...

I think you hit the nail on the head

we react to the psychological striff with food

and we react to the physical pain with food

and what a vicious cycle that is

I had a tantrum kid too (my youngest) - your post totally took me back to those days. . .