Thursday, October 15, 2009

Living

Oh I am just so excited! I can hardly contain myself. Go ahead, ask me! "Why are you so excited, Lyn??"

Because I am LIVING and it is GOOD. I am finally feeling FREE of the chains of binge eating. I've crawled up out of the pit of Twinkies and ice cream and I cannot even tell you how different life *feels* to me.

Part of it was the epiphany regarding fast food, which I have not touched in almost a month.
Some of it was the decision to get off soda, which I have done successfully.
A great deal of it is the absolute light bulb moment I had at the funeral last month, which caused me to become, as I put it, unchained. Something about funerals... something about death and seeing someone you love grieving so deeply... makes one reconsider their whole existance.
And, of course, I just put my foot down and told myself, "Self, you have been fat long enough. This ridiculous cycle of eat healthy > excercise > lose 5 pounds > binge > get frustrated > eat junk > stop exercising > gain 10 pounds has GOT to stop. It's miserable! And it is ridiculous to choose misery over life.

Yesterday I was coming home from taking my child to preschool. I looked at the sky. It was cold and icky. I was not going to walk. Instead, I stopped and got a latte. On the way home, the sun came out. There was blue sky. It went like this:

me: Hey, I could go take a walk in the park, the sun is out!
self: No, by the time you get there and get out of the car it will be cloudy and yucky again.
me: oh. Are you sure? A walk in the sun would be nice.
self: yeah, look at those big grey clouds over there. They will be over the sun in no time. You'll freeze.
me: oh.

I pull in the driveway. The sun is still out.

me: wow, look! It's a great day for a walk!
self: no, it's a great day to go inside and drink your latte.
me: shut up!

I got out, left the latte in the car, and started hauling butt down the street before "self" could convince me not to. I walked for a half hour. As I walked, I kept looking around and seeing things in some kind of whole new light. The bright blue sky, streaked with clouds in every pattern and the sun just shining away; a tree with fall blazes of orange, red and gold; a branch with orange berries overhead against that gorgeous blue-sky background. I kept going, "Oh my god, I have never seen anything so beautiful!" The rich scent of fall leaves was in the air and it was just so comforting and exhilarating and familiar like a hug from a loved one. The breeze was chill but not frigid and made my skin tingle and feel alive. I smiled the whole time I was walking. It was life... it was so good.

I've often wondered if I have some kind of heightened sensory perception. I see the sexuality and intense lure in a peanut butter cup; why can't I experience the rest of the world with those same eyes? I can! I can. I see the whole world in such bright detail... I take in every crunch of crumbled leaves and every acorn dropping from an oak with the breeze and all of it is SO vivid and intense. Living this life, without the sugar fog, without the drape of darkness binge eating brings, is so much richer. I never, ever want to let it go.

Yesterday was another special occasion: a dear friend's birthday. We went to dinner. I knew we'd be going out, and I knew where, so I decided ahead of time that I would be having fish. I didn't know exactly what else would be offered, but after considering whether a very well crafted steak was in the cards for me, I nixed it and said, "nope, fish will be fine."

When I arrived, I chose a beverage: unsweetened iced tea with lemon. I thought about getting a "real drink" (aka booze) but then decided I didn't really care about it. We had an appetizer: smoked trout and cheese on toasted baguettes. Oh it was divine. I had one baguette slice, which I savored, topped with cheese and capers and trout. I had some extra bites of that delicious fish. I enjoyed the company. Next was a mixed green salad with broccoli, cauliflower, peas, cucumbers, and beets. I chose a nice light Huckleberry Vinaigrette to go over it. Then came the main dish: halibut with mango salsa. The waitress had asked, "would you like rice, mashed potatoes, or a baked potato with that?" I'd already planned my answer: "Could I have steamed vegetables as a side instead of potato?" Of course they obliged, and I added, "No butter or oil on the vegetables, please." At the end of the meal, they brought the dessert menu. I looked. I considered. I'd thought about indulging. I noticed they had dessert coffees on the menu that looked SO good... rich with Irish Cream or Kahlua or hazelnut cream... but I was not DYING for one so I let it be. "I'm good," I said. And that was that. I had an amazing time, focused on conversation and NOT on trying to eat as much as possible without LOOKING like I was eating as much as possible. I came home happy.

I began this month weighing 245 pounds. Today I weigh 236. I lost six pounds the first week, three pounds this week. Nine pounds down, and the lowest weight I have seen in five months. I'll take it. I feel a million times better!

Please live! Don't waste one more day. You might pass up a piece of cake or a donut but you won't pass up life. And you will not regret it.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

so happy for you Lyn... you are on the road to sucess and slow and steady wins the race... it's all bout the journey, not the destination... best to you as always xoxo Patty

Anonymous said...

I have lurked for a long time, but I always appreciate your insights and today I thought I would drop you a line!!! Congratulations and kudos for all the hard work you have put into this............If it were easy, everyone would be doing it!! I have struggled at 160 now for over a year, which I know, others would be thrilled at, but for my height, it's still WAY too much! Working hard at figuring out the why's. No clear and easy answers. Wishing you continued success!!! Paula

Anonymous said...

Well done! Keep it up, you are inspiring so many people!

bbubblyb said...

I feel really excited for you. Sounds like you had a great walk and a great dinner with your friend. That really is what life is about, being happy and content. Way to go on the 236 too that is terrific.

Diana said...

I'm so glad for you. :) Go Lyn!

Autumnforest said...

Yes! You totally get it. It's being in the moment and not numbing out. When we watch TV and eat and do other things and munch, we aren't aware of the food, the surroundings, or our bodies. When you do one thing at one time, you savor it, whether it's appreciating an autumn tree and your breath when you walk, or capers and melted cheese on a baguette. It makes everything yummy when you're conscious. When I started training myself to sit and eat my meals, I had to slap a rubber band around my wrist to remind me to pay attention to what I'm eating, set down the fork between bites, and not watch TV. Every snap trained me to come back to the moment. Keep it up--you learned the secret of life...savor not devour. :-) You're doing awesome!

ceam said...

wow, if felt like today you were talking directly to me..... coming through my screen and telling me that it was time to stop my binge/exercise cycle and just live! I think I am going to go for a a walk today.

Thanks for the pep talk ;)

C

F. McButter Pants said...

It's weird, so many people are anonymous in your comments. More then about anybody elses. Just saying....

Anyway, sounds like your dinner was wonderful. You always eat such delish sounding stuff. Never had Huckleberry dressing, now I am dieing to try it.

You are sounding so positive, I love it and am so happy for your 9 lb loss. You however sound happiest about the change in your thinking! Way to go!

Taking It One Day At A Time said...

"I see the sexuality and intense lure in a peanut butter cup; why can't I experience the rest of the world with those same eyes? I can! I can."

Wow, that is such a powerful statement. Thanks for sharing. Gives me something to "chew on" for the rest of the day.

Karen In Tennessee said...

Lyn, you made my spirit smile with that amazing post. Your happiness is just bubbling out of you...I don't think you could contain it if you wanted to. :)
Way to go, Girl. You are doing great!!!

Melissa said...

OMG! Awesome, Lyn! I'm so excited for you! Your blogs are such an encouragement to me! I feel just as of this week & last week that i've finally reached breakthru & that the weight WILL come off this time. :) part of it was quitting soft drinks & fast food, like you. But i also had a few lightbulb moments that i so desperately needed! Hooray us! :)

NewMe said...

What an interesting and joyful post. I'm glad to see you're feeling so good.

I too like looking at dessert menus. I look, I admire and then I say no thanks.

spunkysuzi said...

Lyn you have out done yourself! I can totally relate to being in a kind of fog when i'm in a sugar rush and how clearly things seem when i'm not!

Betsy said...

Hooray! Good for you. You're doing so well. Realizations are the best. It makes you really think instead of just trying to eliminate something for a reason that's not the root of the problem. Keep up the good work! :)

Vickie said...

really great posting. I am so happy that you are listening to yourself. Good going!

Jen said...

I loved this! Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration. I too am FINALLY headed in the right direction and yes, it feels amazing!
jen

Sarah said...

congrats!!!! You are doing such a great job. I really enjoy reading your blog. You lay it on the line. All honesty!!

PamL said...

Awesome! It is a great feeling to not be controlled by food any more! Congratulations!

thegardenweigh said...

You are rocking it! What a lovely sounding birthday dinner! And a great walk!

Erin said...

You should flag this post so you can read it when you get down. I'm so glad that you are feeling so good, inside and out! I'm also glad to hear you are going out with friends, going for walks solo, and having positive happy You-times. You have momentum now! Keep up the great work.
Congratulations! (You weigh less than you do in your 40 pounds down pic!).

Judith said...

Haha! This post made me smile. "Please live!" Good advice. And NewMe, I do the same - I read and admire dessert menus then say no. And I like to look and admire the food laid out in the cafe cabinet while I order my single black coffee. I don't want to eat it any more, but it's pretty to look at!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
You're awesome and inspirational.
thank you,
*michelle

ctina said...

YAY!!

Paula said...

Lyn! I am so happy to read your post...sounds like you are most definitely living your life (the life you deserve) to the fullest! I tell people that when you have a lot of weight to lose (for me, 140 lbs)the road ahead is long but the journey gets better along the way. It may be 20-30 lbs until you can really see something in the mirror, but we feel better/healthier/free-er (as you so wonderfully described) way before people notice the lbs coming off! Well said my friend...looking forward to watching your journey. ;)

MissyM said...

Good for you. That supper sounds devine!!

Georgia Mist said...

BRAVO and KUDOS to you! I do believe... you've turned the corner and are heading into the home stretch!

Leisia said...

Great Blog! Very enlightening...I am glad you are feeling so good about things and you are down 9 pounds. That is a major accomplishment.

Tammy said...

I have been thinking about how I'm going to change things up next week. Something's got to change...I keep going up and down week after week w/ no consistency. I'm not bingeing, thank God, but I can't find my "zone" either...time to mix it up a little and get to that "living" that you're so beautifully describing. :)

Steelers6 said...

Huzzah!! Go Lyn..We are all so excited for you! U may find it interesting to know that you are one of my bloggy friends whom I think about as I go about my day making choices. (no pressure!) [Right now I am trying not to have even my 1 or 2 time per week diet pop.] I do think the good choices can help us feel better too..sounds like you are feeling good!

I was soo impressed w/your premeditated meal plan for eating out. That does really help me too, as does the 'pep talks' we give ourselves. Deciding on veggies and following through with that is super!

Keep it up, gf!! You are so worth it!
ChrissyS

screwdestiny said...

Oh, I'm so happy for you! It's great that you're already experiencing how much better life can be. You deserve it. :)

Deanna - The Unnatural Mother said...

Kudos to you!! It's been a long battle and you have fought so hard, I am glad you are still fighting back and reaping the rewards of your hard work. Inspiration at it's best, thanks!

Helen said...

WoooHooooo!!!!! Lyn, this was just so uplifting. I'm so happy for you. Reading this was just so inspiring. you GO girl

Helen

Betsey C. said...

What an uplifting, happy post! I am so thrilled that you have kicked junk food to the curb. Just think -- your little girl is young enough that she will not grow up with happy memories of eating junk food with mom. That's fantastic!!

oshea12566 said...

I fought that "go for a walk" fight too yesterday. Mine went a bit differently:

Me: I should go for a walk after work.

Self: You can not, it is snowing. There is 3" inches of snow on the ground you idiot.

Me: Oh. Fair enough. Wii Fit than? Step aerobics with the board raised on Gold Gym platform?

Self: I guess

Me: Shut up.

I won the battle too! Whoo Hoo! Go US!!
I worked out on the Wii Fit for 30 minutes, and broke a sweat.

Glad to hear you are feeling good these days. Keep it up! You are my inspiration!!

Hanlie said...

Awesome, awesome post, Lyn!