Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Fat People Have Issues

"Let's face it," she said with a nonchalant wave of the hand, "Fat people have issues. You don't want to date one, because you marry who you date. And you don't want to marry them and have to deal with their obvious issues all your life." My skinny roommate was commenting on a guy I was considering dating, but had my reservations about. I wasn't honestly *too* concerned with his looks... he was attractive enough. But the boy was heavy. He was pretty big, actually, for a 19-year-old, but he was witty and talented and could play the piano like no one I'd ever seen. I liked him, but I liked to be active too. This guy wasn't someone I could go on hikes with or shoot hoops with or even take long walks with, I thought. I wasn't sure if he would be much fun.

But my friend made a point I hadn't considered. His issues. A fat person doesn't just get fat for nothing, right? They must have some kind of mental or emotional problem... baggage, as they say... driving them to abuse themselves to the point of obesity. Fat people *must* have issues.

It wasn't four years later, when I had had a child, lost a couple of babies and then blessedly had my second son that I happened to be visiting at this same friend's home. I'd put on some weight... about 20 pounds... and weighed a whopping 165 or so. Her brother was there; we'd dated briefly and he seemed rather disgusted by my fat body. "When I get married," he said, "I am going to be with someone who is healthy and fit, active and fun." "But what if you fall in love with someone who's overweight?" I asked. "Not going to happen," he said. "The kind of woman I will fall in love with will take care of herself. She won't have those kinds of issues."

It hurt, but maybe it was true. My issue was the loss of two very much wanted babies. Did that make me unstable? Did it make me unworthy, because I coped with the pain by hanging onto the *pregnancy weight*? Maybe.

Look at the 600 pound person on TV who has to have their walls broken out and be rescued out of their home with a hydraulic lift because they are too big to fit through the door. Do they have issues?

Look at the 400 pound woman riding through the grocery store on a motorized cart, filling her basket with chips, ice cream, and frozen pizzas. Does she have issues?

Look at the 250 pound lady sitting in her car in the parking lot of McDonald's scarfing down a supersized Big Mac meal, an ice cream sundae and a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Does she have issues?

How do you get so fat unless you are *eating your problems*? Isn't excess weight just a sign of some sort of disturbance... mental or emotional? Yeah, some people have medical issues or genetic problems but for the most part, fat people can lose weight. It's hard but doable. So there must be some issues making this person abuse food and their body like that. Right? Would you date an alcoholic? Would you make babies with a drug addict? Well, would you?

I didn't date that guy who played the piano so well. Would he have been a good husband?

Was my friend's brother right? Does a healthy mind and emotional state always yield a healthy, fit body?

Therein lies the flaw. *Everyone* has issues. Maybe they had a bad childhood or something happened to them that scarred them emotionally. Someone close to them died, someone hurt them, they feel alone. Someone betrayed them. The issues are there, for everyone. It's how we deal with them that differs.

Did losing babies make me fat? No, it was a coping mechanism even if it was subconscious. Does being molested make a person fat? No, but fat can seem like a protection to some. But a lot of thin people have lost babies or been molested or had druggie parents. Maybe they don't show it through their weight (or maybe they do, by anorexia or another eating disorder) but they abuse some other substance. And if you have issues but *don't* abuse food, alcohol drugs or cigarettes, does that make you somehow better? Does it make you more stable if you cope in a healthier way?

Well, yes. In fact, it probably does make you mentally more stable. Using an appropriate method of coping with distress *is* a sign of emotional and mental health. And you'd want to befriend, date, marry someone who has healthy coping mechanisms. Not someone who sedates themselves with drugs. Or alcohol. Or food.

Right?

Seems like an easy assumption to make. Many people who've never been fat make these judgements just by looking at you walking down the street. They have issues. They wouldn't be so fat if they didn't.

Are they right?

52 comments:

emmabovary said...

Hmmmm. Interesting post. I used to think that fat was the physical symptom of inner inbalance--as you postulate here. On the other hand, I know a lot of overweight people who seem completely at peace, enjoy life and love and the world. And then I read that weight is dictated 77% by genetics (like height). So I'm not sure I'd be capable of speaking for others.

I do think that everyone can lose weight (many use the arguement that "there were no fat people in concentration camps" to support that statement). But maintaining? If one is genetically set to be at a higher than normal weight, maintenance is going to be a real challenge. If one was overweight because of issues, maintenance is where one would need to be working on those if one wants to keep the weight off.

Hallie said...

Gold star for bringing this up. I've heard the same refrain about "The woman I want to be with will 'take care of herself'" which I think is just skinny person code for 'not be fat.' And it's a skinny person misperception that "issues" make a person fat. Overeating makes a person fat, and overeating can just be real easy for some of us, and not everyone's paying attention to whether they're fat because there are actually other aspects to life, and it often happens without you realizing it at first. "Issues" didn't cause me to be fat at all. Being fat may have caused me to have issues though. But then, I think that skinny guy has issues, too.

To answer your question - it is only a prejudice that fat people have "issues." It's something that gets repeated so often that I think nowadays, even fat people go looking for the issues that must have been the "cause" of the weight gain - "What are my issues?," and then they identify them. But maybe those "causes" weren't really causes at all, maybe they were just coincidences.

Farah said...

I think you could go really deep with this. But I'm going to proffer my opinion that it is true, fat people have issues. Because EVERYONE has issues. Even people that are at peace, healthy, happy have issues that they deal with, problems that they have. Everyone has opposition in their life, no matter what its form takes.
So yes, fat people have issues just like everyone else. Whether or not their fat is a REFLECTION of those issues is another matter entirely. Because their issues are not necessarily the REASON they are fat. Perhaps, in some cases they are. For some, maybe even many, eating becomes a form of therapy and a person might develop an outward projection of their 'issues'. Fat. In other cases, I don't think their (or should I say "our") fat has anything to do with their issues.
I recently discovered something about someone close to me. Someone who has MAJOR issues. Someone who is slender, outwardly very attractive, and appears "healthy". And I found myself judging this person for her 'issues' because I couldn't understand how she could deal with it in this manor. And then I reminded myself of my issues. My problems, my opposition. I deal with it differently (in my case, one way of dealing has been eating), but is it better? I can't say. But I'm trying not to judge.
We should all try not to judge. Because without being in someone's shoes, fat or thin, we can't know what their issues are. And we can't know if their weight (or lack thereof) is because of their issues or is because of something else entirely.
And its different for everyone. Even if it is the same for so many people.
Hope that made sense.

Vickie said...

I hope that you do not get one single nasty comment about this posting - because I think you did a great job of writing it and I agree that it needed to be written.

and I agree that there are no easy answers.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...food for thought. Here's one for you...what if your "issue" is simply that you are fat? I first found out I was fat when I started school...at 6. The kids at school let me know. I went on a diet for the first time when I was 7. From the moment I left the safety of my parents home for the real world of school, sports, judgement...I knew I was not like everyone else. And knowing that became my definition of who I was until at least half way through college. It led to self esteem issues, trust issues (still remember being told at 8 by another 8 year old who was trying to help that everyone sure would like me better if I weren't so fat), social anxiety disorder(ever been moo-ed at by a bus full of kids...ouch). With a lot of counseling and becoming an adult I've healed from a lot of that and now love myself for who I am...no matter how fat. But, if someone asked me...do you have issues, I think my answer would be "only one...I'm fat!". Now if I could just heal that root problem/issue I think my life might just be perfect. Too perfect! :)

LOVE your blog. Keep up the good work!

ctina said...

Yes, I think many fat people have unhealthy coping issues. But, like you said - they are hardly the only ones.

And yes, with most other types of coping issues, alcoholics, drug addicts, etc you really CAN'T tell from looking at a person.

But, in my opinion, it's not about the issues, it's about the booty.

Flatly, lots of people (like your friends brother) find fat sexually unattractive. They try to make it sound deeper by talking about feeling, but I don't buy it. I think, really, that guy was just turned off.

PLENTY of instability is considered sexy, like overworking, chain smoking, being hyper, demanding, narcissistic, or (cutely) neurotic. I prefer men with authority issues, myself -- they do the Craziest things!

I've dated all these types of unstable dudes. But, to this day, I've never had an overweight boyfriend. You might think this hypocritical since I am, and have always been at least 5 to 15 lbs overweight. But, there you have it. I'm just not attracted to it.

There's really no thinking behind it. I look at a paunchy pasty short man and I go -- ICK. I look at tall slim guy with a beard and a sense of humor and I'm suddenly telling him all about myself. It's completely primal.

There's just no accounting for physical attraction.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Lyn. I find myself feeling a little sad that you didn't date the big guy. Who knows, he might have been a great husband for you.

Certainly better than a thin man who uses alcohol to deal with his issues, or a man who feels the need to belittle others to boost his own inadequate ego. So many people deal with their issues by hurting others.

I don't think all overweight people have major issues. With some it is just bad habits or love of food - and life. I do know of a few fat people who eat and drink and make merry in their lives. And I am happy for those people.

The bottom line is to enjoy life, whatever that means for you. For some it will be a laissez faire attitude to food and drink and enjoying endless dinner parties and socialising with friends, imbibing as much alcohol (without alcoholism) and food as they want. For others happiness is to be found in exercising every day and eating certain amounts of food at certain times; regularity and restriction leading to a slim figure.

And of course there are a whole load of people in between these two poles.

Whatever I might wish myself to be, I definitely need regularity and restriction to have any kind of happiness, or just any chance of sanity actually. These things work both ways of course.

Hope you're having a good day,
Bearfriend xx

Jane said...

I am new at blogging and I can only hope to be as honest and encouraging as you are. I have to agree that fat people do have issues. On the other hand, so does everyone else... it's just not plastered like a neon sign on their butt screaming.. ISSUES! GET YOUR ISSUES HERE!!! lol

bbubblyb said...

A really good post Lyn. I think everyone has issues and the weight is just a by product of other things. I've always said it all boils down to loving ourselves and realizing what we are capable of. I think it's also about creating a life that we are happy with. Life isn't easy, there are always ups and downs we just have to do our best to make the best of things and keep on trying to improve ourselves.

As for who we love I would like to think it's about the inner person more than the outer shell.

Rachel said...

While food is certainly more commonly used as a coping mechanism than, say, drugs or alcohol (especially by women), to say that EVERY fat person is fat because they harbor some degree of disordered or emotional eating issues is not only offensive, but highly assumptive.

Blaming a fat person for being fat also not only disregards genetic and other biological factors in why we weigh what we weigh, but conveniently ignores the real "issues" at play. Obesity is often not so much a personal problem or character flaw as it is the systemic result of current industry-tilted industrial agricultural policies within a capitalist system that thrives on encouraging consumption. If anti-obesity activists really want to talk about the issues, these are the issues they'd be better off addressing.

RoSi said...

i believe everyone has issues to some extent. none of us feel perfect about our lives and selves 24/7 although many pretend to. slimmer people's mechanisms just arent seen. when you are bigger like you and i, its a visible "burden" to people. it doesnt mean that skinny people, some of them, aren't doing habits just as bad, if not worse, than bingeing, overeating, or any other form of self loathing.

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your blog and find it a very good read. I am overweight and need to loose at least 32 lbs. There are lots of skinny people that have issues too, just because a person is skinny doesn't make them healthy, they can be unfit, smoke, have a drug problem or have another eating disorder, anorexia.

I can honestly say I don't have any issues to make me want to eat.

This is a great post!

Georgia Mist said...

The more weight I gained, I took less care of myself. My "issue" was depression and grief.
It wasn't until my own mortality stared me in the face that I decided to work on correcting those "issues".
No one can slide into another person's skin -- and no one would want to do that.
Each person has "issues" -- bigotry and prejudice against those who are overweight is an issue...

McLauren84 said...

What a tough question, and one that causes some inner dissonance for me. I am fat, just over the cutoff for obese for my height. I eat a mainly healthy diet and exercise regularly, but I haven't cut my calories enough to really lose weight. My only food-related issue is probably eating for pleasure or out of boredom. And I know those are technically issues, but I really don't feel like I'm an emotional eater. I have issues like anyone else, but for the most part I'm a normal, happy, amazing person as I am.

As far as the larger question of inherent fat issues, I think I have to disagree with you. It's really a stereotype that all fat people binge eat, such as you described in the various scenarios. I have been ranges of chunky, overweight and obese for all of my adult life, but I have never binged. Ever. I gain weight/maintain a high weight by not carefully considering my food choices and having a genetic makeup that doesn't forgive me for it.

Rae at 24:01 A.M. said...

This post really has me thinking. In my own personal life, my own issue IS my weight, and of course I've had to deal with the emotional issues, but I'm a very energetic, optimistic, happy person.

It's annoying when people judge fat people as sad, annoyed and lazy. We're not all lazy.

Theresa said...

VERY interesting thoughts ctina! You are 100% right that some people can not separate the wonderful person "within" when they look at the packaging.....it really is a good thing that there are those who CAN.
Great post again Lyn. Made me think....

Anonymous said...

Making sure ctina does not feel attacked by my post..... I really honestly am appreciative of that spin on this issue. I am truly very fortunate that someone saw the whole me instead of just my outer self.
:) Theresa

dkaz said...

This is a great topic and I liked the way you wrote about it.
I read that Orson Welles once said, "Gluttony is not a secret vice"
I think the difference between our issues (overweight people) and the issues of normal weight people is that the way we that handle our 'issues' makes us overweight, which is easy to see. Not always so easy to identify a compulsive shopper, or liar, or sex-addict, or even an alcoholic or junkie. But, when your coping mechanism involved eating too much, eventually it shows.
There was some movie a few years ago called "Shallow Hal" - I didn't actually see it but I read that this guy had an experience that caused him to see the physical representation of what kind of person truly was. For example, a fashion model who was a nasty person had a very ugly appearance, but his obese (and wonderful) girlfriend appeared beautiful to him. The movie probably wasn't very good, but I kind of like that premise.

Honib1 said...

It is thought provoking to say the least...I do not think there are any pat answers. if there are issues than at least to me one must solve the problems before adressing the symptoms.. perhaps if the problems are addressed the symptoms will resolve themselves.
In this grand world of ours I think there is a great deal of FAT PREJUDICE.. and misguded fat thought... its a shame...

dkaz said...

Sorry to leave another comment, but I also wanted to say - I am tired of people thinking that I am not trying just because I am still fat. I joined a gym 18 months ago and I go all of the time. I lost 40 lbs but I have stopped losing, because I still eat too much I guess. I do watch my diet and I work out 4 - 6 times a week. But the Scale isn't budging, so I stopped telling people that I go to the gym because I started noticing their skeptical looks. I really thought I'd lose weight faster too - but I am nearly 50 yrs old and I guess I am just going to have to cut way back on my food to have more success.

Karen In Tennessee said...

What an amazing post...and boy have the rusty old gears in my brain been spinning...LOL. I agree with the people who said much of being overweight is locked within our genes...but I think that applies to those who are 20 or 30 pounds overweight. I didn't get to 360+ pounds because my grandmother was a little chunky. Anyone who is morbidly obese or two or three times the weight they SHOULD be (talking about myself here)probably has issues. I know I do. As I have heard many times, its not what you are eating but what is eating you.

Another home run topic, Lyn!!! So much to think about!

ctina said...

Theresa -- I'm not offended at all! I'm glad you understand what I'm saying.

To clarify, I don't think people are attracted to each other "despite" the way they look. Like - he loves me "even though" I am overweight.

I think consciously or not, we are ALL attracted physically to our partners-- esp at first ... and there's different strokes for different folks. Some like an overweight person, and some don't.

For instance, I am happy to have found a nice male niche that doesn't mind a short girl who's 5 to 15 lbs overweight.. I think they find it "cute" or something.

And, there's no WAY I'm going to bust my butt in the gym so that a man that hates fat and finds it repulsive will be attracted to me.

There are far better reasons to be fit.

And, there's plenty of men who are attracted to me (and you) exactly the way we are.

My Own Two Feet said...

I haven't read the other comments, but I totally had to chime in with my thoughts.

I think the rule is that overweight people got that way for a reason. But, everyone has issues. Some choose drugs, some choose sex, some choose smoking, some choose going crazy and killing people.

As long as the person you are with loves you and themselves, it's all gravy (not literally, gravy is bad m'kay).

Lyn said...

I *love* the discussions going on here. Such thoughtful comments! That is what I was hoping to spark with this post!

ctina~

so right! I personally have always been attracted to older men. As in, much older (15+ years!) Some women wouldn't see anything great about the guys I have dated, but I do. So I do see your point.

Larkspur said...

Everyone has issues.

oshea12566 said...

I wanted to let you know that you have inspired me to loose weight. Reading your blog is almost like reading my mind,(minus obvious differences) YOu capture the thought process so well, the battle against cravings. Your writing is awesome. I started reading your blog from the very start. Your first post inspired me so much to add my weight loss battle onto my own blog. Thank you so much, I hope you find the time to check in on me everynow and then!

kelly said...

Great post! EVERYONE has an "issue." For some it is food, for others it is lust, sex, drugs, working, shopping, etc. None of us make it through life issue-free.

Mzchef said...

Loved this, so well written. It certainly give one something to ponder.

Taking It One Day At A Time said...

(deleted the original due to typos...)

Great post. I could go for hours on the comment that your friend and her brother made. Namely, they have issues.....apparently with fat people.

I personally have issues with people who are rude, self-serving, mean-spirited, and can't seem to find anything nice to say...ever.

My mom always tells me that the only people who don't have "issues" are the dead. And then, even that is debatable by some.

TC said...

Love the discussion here! Thanks Lyn for posting thoughtful, well-expressed ideas as usual.

I had to chime in because I do sincerely believe that I was overweight due to unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise and not for any "issues" I had. I just liked to eat junk, and I didn't move around much. It doesn't take that many extra calories a day to add up to a 10-20 lb a year weight gain! I never really considered what I was putting into my body. I didn't eat because of stress, or depression or to cope. I just ate because liked it.

I use the past tense because I am now 15 lbs from my goal weight and do NOT do that to myself anymore. I eat so much better, proper portions and I exercise nearly every day.

Thanks all for your thoughts!

theantijared said...

I loved the post.

Everyone has issues. You know who has the most issues?

Sports Illustrated. Over 50 a year!

screwdestiny said...

Very interesting post, Lyn. I'd like to think that I deal with my issues in a healthy way. I've never abused anything when I've been going through hard times.

However, I don't think all fat people have issues. I think probably a lot do, but some probably just got that way because they liked food, and their appearance was not a priority to them. My boyfriend is considered obese by his BMI, but I still think he looks great, still love him like crazy, and he does have some issues, but I don't think they contributed greatly in him getting to that weight. The reason I think that is because he has never had problems with eating (such as, eating as a coping mechanism, binge-eating, etc.), he just tends to eat crappy foods because they taste good to him. I don't think that's an "issue." And I think labeling all fat people as having issues is kind of silly. When people do that, I think they're just trying to make up something that sounds good for the reason they're not attracted to them. Sure, it's nice to have someone who "takes care of themselves" but you don't always control who you love. And if people are automatically thinning their choices by refusing to date someone who's overweight at the time, that's kind of a shame.

cmoursler said...

I would say MY weight was a direct reflection of inner issues. I would say SOME people gain weight because of inner issues. Some people gain weight cause they like to eat, and some people gain weight because of a genetic disposition. As a fat woman who used food to cope, married to a skinny athletic (special forces green beret soldier) who used alcohol to cope....I can honestly say, we were well matched in our issues. I don't think weight is directly reflective of a person's moral or mental character. It COULD be an indicator.
Good post.

Tammy said...

You know, I've been fat for over 20 years...and I've always hated the prejudice and judgement that comes with being a fat/overweight/obese person. And then I realized one day that I have never, ever dated a fat guy. Ever. I keep wondering what that says about me.

Merry said...

I'm trying to follow the logic.

Ever seen one of those guys who seem to have Skinny stamped on their forehead at birth? I mean, they can chow down every Krispy Kreme in DonutLand and still be so thin that if they turn sideways you'll miss them.

Then, at about age 40, they suddenly start to bloom sideways. Did they suddenly develop issues? Or did their metabolism finally decide to slow down on its own? Maybe their thyroid should go find its own psychiatrist.

Autumnforest said...

By all the comments, you struck a nerve. I once heard Dr. Phil (not a big hero of mine but sometimes he has lucid moments of practicality) talk to a couple. The husband was no longer attracted to his wife who gained weight. The woman said, "I'm the woman he fell in love with, he should still love me even if I'm fat" but the doctor said, "Are you really the same person inside?" She thought a moment and confessed that she hated to clothes shop and without anything to wear she never went out and she refused party invites because she didn't want her hubby's work friends to see her weight gain and she never wore bra and panty sets anymore and made love in the dark... When I heard that everything hit me. I realized my "sex gear" drawer as I called it--filled with expensive lingerie from Victoria's Secret had not been opened in years since I started gaining weight. I had lost all concept of myself as an individual. When I was thinner, I loved to shop for myself, loved to dress up, loved to turn on my hubby with outfits, I loved to be seen naked, and I cared about my makeup and hair and outfits and jewelry and all those girlie things. Since gaining weight, I couldn't relate to girlie things anymore. I felt like I'd lost my sexuality completely and I was invisible to the masses. No, I really wasn't the same person inside and only changed on the outside. The two went hand-in-hand.

thegardenweigh said...

I think my own weight has to do a lot with issues, yet, I don't think being fat necessarily means that someone has to have serious issues.

For one thing, it's possible to be fat without having oodles of health problems. I'm fat, but my blood pressure, my cholesterol, all blood work is perfectly normal. I even have a lowish resting heart rate. So, if it's possible for someone to be fat and reasonably healthy, then this biz of supposedly destroying one's body by being fat is not exactly always true.

Everyone has issues of one sort or another. Some of us who are fat cope by eating. Other folks who are fat simply ENJOY their food. And don't burn it off. It's not exactly a ticket to the mental hospital. Fat might be the result of issues, but it doesn't have to be that.

Genetics plays a part, simple overabundance of calorie dense processed foods plays another.

Love the comment about the skinny guys who have "lateral expansion" after age 40. Love it!

Great post, great comments here!

DownsizingDoc said...

Sounds like your friend and her brother have issues themselves.

very good post and some great thought provoking ideas

Jason & Tami said...

I think you were right when you said that *everyone* has issues. For some people, sure, they turn to food, drugs, alcohol, etc, to cope. For the fat person- particularly the morbidly obese- it's all over our body so people make assumptions about why we're that way. The reasons why I got fat would be enough to make any person who hasn't hardened their heart sob-- does it make it ok that I love food and put it in the place Christ is supposed to have in my life (#1) just because I was abused in just about every way imaginable by my father, stepfather, mother, grandparents, pastors, etc? No. My sinful ways of coping are still on me-- praise God that, though my sin is atrocious, He still loves me and forgives me and grieves with me over all that has been done to me.

All of that said, the thin person still has issues. Yes, being fat is horrible and painful and causes a lot of misery both to me and my husband. But even if he'd married some thin, healthy girl he'd still have to be willing to walk through life with her, to love her and be compassionate and willing to speak truth into her life about her "issues". Our issues, really, are how we cope with the pain and suffering of sin- sin committed against us and sin we commit.

Again, I like what you said about everyone having issues because if a guy (for example, say the guy who said he wouldn't marry a fat person, wouldn't even allow himself to fall in love with a fat person- never even give her a chance... and my heart aches for any woman he marries(d) who struggles to lose post-baby weight- will he just stop loving her? Judge her? Tell her to fix herself? Anyway...) marries a woman who was abandoned by her father and has extreme "trust issues" (that is, responding to her suffering by sinfully withholding herself and not allowing others the opportunity to truly know and love her because she wants to protect herself from further hurt) who is jealous, who hides things from her husband, who is extremely insecure and lashes out at him at the slightest sign of him not making her feel safe, who manipulates her husband, who refuses to allow him intimacy (both sexual and emotional) unless it's solely on her terms, but she has a banging hot body and exercises and eats well... is that guy really any better off?

I think therein is the lie that humanity clings to- we think that if someone looks & acts put together then they ARE put together, and a fat person simply cannot have it together. The truth is, NO ONE has it all together. We are all messed up- we've all been hurt and we have all hurt others. I am saddened that you have been so judged, so lied to about your worth based on how many inches added to or lost from your waistline. Are you more worthy of love if you get to 140 pounds than you were at 280? Are you intrinsically more valuable when you weigh less? Are you more worthy of love when you are sticking to the rules than when you struggle and give into habits of coping with pain by shoving them down with food?

The answer to all of the above is no, no, and no. Sure, it feels better to lose weight, to mentally go through the checklist and know that today you followed every rule. But your heart- the "issues"- will remain no matter what. What if you respond to a man who made you feel worthless and unlovable by getting thin and then finding a new man but always withholding yourself to some degree so you can't get hurt that way again? What if you do reach 140 but become consumed by the fear of regaining weight? Are you truly better off than at 280? Sure, you will live longer, be more active with your children, so there are benefits, but if your heart doesn't change, are you better off?

Jason & Tami said...

[ran out of room... brevity and I have never been close friends ;)]

My heart aches for you. I read stories of person after person telling you- directly or indirectly- lies about your worth and I literally ache for you to know Jesus, the one who saw you at your very worst and said, "I am going to die for Lyn, right now, when she is committing cosmic treason and hating me, because I love her and I yearn to have relationship with her." I yearn for you to know that freedom in being released from the cycle of sin and abuse, to rest in knowing that Jesus took all of the wrath for your sin, the darkest parts of your heart, AND that He can related to your deepest pain, because He was betrayed by His closest friends, abandoned, mocked, told He was worthless, saw people tell lies about Him in order to protect themselves, and, in the moment of taking God's wrath, was completely and utterly alone, lonely in a way that you and I can NEVER relate to while on this earth. He knows, He feels, and He died so you can be free.

I mean no disrespect, as you have mentioned before your feelings about "religion", but every once in awhile I am compelled by the Holy Spirit to respond. I pray that the compassion God the Father feels for you, the way He longs for relationship with you, is somehow conveyed by my words, feeble as I am, that you wouldn't hear more judgment and empty religiosity.

There is one man, one perfect man, who knows every single one of your issues, and who loves you regardless and wants to restore you, to redeem you, to restore the years the locusts have eaten. His name is Jesus, and I pray you meet Him, Lyn.

-Tami

Hanlie said...

This is an interesting post! My weight certainly has a lot to do with my unresolved issues...and I am working hard on those issues. I often feel guilty - not only does my husband have a fat one, but she's so "broken", but then I remember that he could not honestly have imagined that I was without issues when we married (I was already fat). To his credit, he has never tried to "fix" me, but he gives the room and freedom to heal and for that I am incredibly grateful. And heal I will!

the Fat Lady said...

I've been lurking for a while - now decloaking like a Romulan. Issues?!? Hoo BABY, do I have issues. Y'know what, though, I've been thinking about this for hours now & I think I can safely say that my issues are because of my weight, not the cause. If I dropped 200lbs overnight, I would still have those issues in my head -- but if I'd never gained those 200lbs in the first place...? Well, who knows. Maybe if I'd reacted to my rape by blaming the guy who did it, instead of eating so much that no one wanted me, I would have had a balanced adolescence where I learned how to set boundaries. Maybe if I'd been less angry that my parents weren't psychic, I wouldn't have reacted to my father's leftover issues with his fat sister with rage-filled defiance, and my response to emotional pain wouldn't be this deep rut of anger-eat-guilt-defiance-eat ad nauseum. Maybe. It's hard to separate the reality of the complete SNAFU of the last 25 years & imagine a different path. It's a big vat of what-if that might drown me if I peer in too closely.

Twix said...

Refereshing to know wer human, right?

Those non-human types have so many issues (shhhh), lol!!!

Twix said...

had to chuckle at my obvious spelling issues this morning and the comment about the skinny guy who ate all the twinkies in donut land

I'm married to that twinkie man, who happens to be over 40 and still hasn't blossomed. BUT, you and I know, he sure has some hang ups. Right!!! Even though he lives in the land of dark denial...heh.

karma, baby

ctina said...

Don't feel guilty! Some men want a fat one! I swear, NOT all men want a stick figure.

Hasn't anyone heard Sir Mix-a-Lot?

Or, any rapper for that matter?

I'm thinking I must start a dating website for overweight women... to boost their sexual confidence ... but I am sure someone has thought of it already.

Probably, it was a MAN.

Fattie Fatterton said...

Can you be thin and have issues ? Yes. Can you be overweight and not have issues? Unlikely.

But people who ONLY see what you are outside are not worth knowing.

And yes, there are dating sites for plus-sized folks. :-)

Once I had some confidence about *me*, not just worried about how I looked, I had dates every night of the week. My weight didn't stop that.

Feed Me I'm Cranky said...

a person who doesn't have "issues" doesn't have consciousness. that's all i'm going to say.
xoxo

Kim said...

This is such a good post. You have more self reflection and honesty than most people are willing to have on any day. As a big girl (around 370 lbs.), I get lots of stares...occasionally comments. Once upon a time I would have crawled into a closet and cried. My issues began with my parents feeding me the wrong foods and me becoming overweight from it. I got made fun of and my dad had me on diets from the time I was 5 yrs. old. I think if people wouldn't have dealt with it the way they did, that my lovely spirit would have been left intact. I was a happy kid until I fell under the pressure. Then, came the low self-esteem...THEN came the over-eating. Later in life came other problems. For me it was the way people dealt with "fat" that caused my early problems. Since then, I have forgiven, but I just can't seem to shake the bad habits...not to mention I'm a stay at home mommy that does not get enough exercise by a long shot and I have PCOS (oh, and by the way...genetics is definitely apart of it and having babies for some women). Other than my weight, I am a super happy person. I loooove my life. I homeschool my kids, I cook, I clean, I love to get out and do fun stuff. I have a hot husband...who is skinny. Sure, he wants me to lose weight so I can be around for my kids and also I could do more active things, but at the end of the day...my hubby loves me (this is not something I have to convince myself of...he L-O-V-E-S me). Now, my husband used to give me a lot of trouble for being overweight...he used it in arguments all the time. Eventually, after we got to the root of our REAL problems, he admitted he used it b/c he knew it would hurt me. That was long ago...he does not do this at all anymore. He is worthy of MY love...b/c I chose to forgive HIM. We forgave eachother. We both just finally came to the point where we understood that we are both inherently flawed beings...and that's ok. Everyone is flawed whether they show it by being fat, getting lots of tattoos, do drugs, smoke, pick their nose obsessively, or any other bad habit under the sun. lol :) Since I have hormone issues, I do get depressed on occasion...but it's just that...hormonal depression for me affected by environmental factors. Sure, I really want to lose the weight...I get frustrated with myself for not doing better. But, my weight does not label me. I am intelligent, loving, caring, funny, and dependable. I'm sure the weight does not label you either. You are way more sane than many skinny people I know for sure. LOL
It's funny, I've never dated or been with an overweight person. It's not b/c I wouldn't want to be. I just seemed to always end up with skinny guys. And I can tell you, b/c of my personality...I'm pretty sure that's why it was never a big deal for the skinny guys anyway...b/c I'm great company and I am a beautiful big girl (not to mention this big girl can cook and the hubby likes that). I think it just really depends on people's preferences. Not everyone thinks the way your friend's brother does.
Everyone has issues. I think the people who say "Oh, I'd never date a fat person" have just as many issues as any person does...a pride issue perhaps or one-world view?

Just Jinny said...

I agree with you. EVERYONE has issues, it's just that fat people's issues are a little more visable. That's all.

Reni said...

Are all skinny people happy and content with their lives? I didn't think so!

Roger said...

Everyone is like the energize Bunny. As we take in fuel we need to energize our bodies we also need burn that fuel. To expend that energy some of us get up and move and some of us sit and eat. Moving or eating uses energy but one is counter productive. The people that get up and move have an interest in a specific movement or many types of movement and enjoy movement. Those that sit and eat have lost the desire to move or never had the desire to move. Are the people that sit lazy? No I don't believe so. I think the society is the blame. You see someone chomping down a Big Mac and you understands that's ok so you chomp down that Big Mac.
Step #1.
This country needs a rebellion against the Fast (crap) Food industry with a counter attack of food that makes us healthier and ofcouse not to support the fast food industry.
Step #2
We need to move and I believe it must be started as young adults. Our school system is failing our young nation not only in teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic but also in physical education. After grade school, what happens? No more recess but gym class a couple times a week. We go from movement to sitting. We program our kids on the art of sitting and not moving. If our school systems are not going to it then we have to provide the venues.

Anonymous said...

Simple enough to say you are fat and don't want to be with a reflection of how you see yourself