Monday, September 14, 2009

Unchained

I've had a rough week... thus the absence on my blog. If you've followed me on Twitter you may have noticed that there was a death recently, which deeply affected someone I love dearly, and thus has affected me. The funeral I thought would bring closure did not. And other issues going on that I won't get into have me stressed out. Such is life, though, right?

Last week I walked, I biked, I even did my Jillian DVD with my husband sitting there staring at me and putting his feet in my direct path. I avoided the potato chips he brought home. I did okay. And then, I didn't.

The peaches rotted on the counter. The greens turned slimy in the fridge. Tomatoes grew mold and the chicken breast in the fridge spoiled.The dishes piled in the sink and the kids ate Ramen and burritos. This is all a sign of the state of my eating.

Distracted, I forgot to take my supplements for a few days and my arthritis pain went through the roof. I went to McDonald's once, Starbucks twice, and ordered pizza once. I even got a small blizzard from Dairy Queen... twice. I didn't buy candy, or cake, or go on any sort of a binge. My food was crap but in a reasonable portion and not frantic. However I feel bloated and icky and have a constant headache and need to get back to being focused on losing this weight.

My brain is in a million pieces right now. The life I had formed for myself... the dream I wanted and worked for and finally acheived... it's been shattered by things not in my control. It's not fixable. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the middle of a pig pen knee deep in crap and slop and I just want to get out and take a shower. Going to this funeral, it just solidified in my mind what I have to do. It tore me down, broke my heart, scared me, and gave me strength. What an odd place to be reborn: in a funeral parlor.

I feel kind of scattered, still, but I have a new vision of a life I want. I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I deserve to be loved. The only trap I am stuck in is one I sat down and accepted. I can reach over and pry it open and walk away. I am not chained to THIS life. You are not chained to yours.

It is in our power to conceive and generate the life we want. I know this now. And I am not just talking about weight loss either. This is much, much bigger than that.

Thank you for standing by and being patient while I was having my crisis. Thank you for the kind comments and emails of concern. You are a comfort to me.

49 comments:

screwdestiny said...

Hell yeah! That post just got me all excited and inspired feeling. :) Good for you for taking control of your life!

South Beach Steve said...

Lyn, revival happens in all sorts of crazy places. It is amazing what emotional, impacting times in our lives do for our willpower and vision for the future.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Lyn. So sorry you've had a rough time. I had no idea as I didn't know you were on Twitter.

Things like this make you realise what's important. Talking about respect and kindness and the love you deserve makes me think of Irene's post today on livin large. It was very much along those lines.

It sounds like you've coped quite well - no bingeing. Just normal, if not brilliant, eating. That in itself is quite amazing.

I hope you're feeling a little less scattered soon.

All the best,
Bearfriend xx

Susannah said...

Sounds like a turning point, Lyn. You certainly deserve respect, kindness and love and it sounds like you are ready to shout it to the world. Big hugs to you, a strong, capable and fearless woman!!

elife said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like this friend of yours left you with a final gift; he wants you to know what your worth is, and what you life ahead can be. Many hugs.

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I think it's so great that you are really thinking through and taking control of your life.

Keep up the positive thoughts!

*fitcetera* said...

You know I'd be there to help if I could, Lyn.
HUGS.
It's great you've had a revelation.
the morbid truth eh?

i've had the same grocery meltdown. ICK.

destinationathlete said...

Prayers coming your way.

**hugs**

Chubby Chick said...

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this, Lyn! Hang in there. We are all rooting for you! :)

~ Cyndi said...

So sorry to hear about your difficult times Lyn. Thanks for posting and sharing with us, I know it always helps me to know that others occasionally stumble during difficult times too. It does seem as though you've found the silver lining in your current cloud though and it's the jumping off point of your brand new, only the best for you, life! Good luck with your upcoming changes and I look forward to following along via your blog.

Tammy said...

Where it happened isn't important...the fact that it happened for you, is. Thank you for sharing it with us. I am sorry for your pain, and happy for your awakening. Welcome back Lyn....missed you girl. :)

Diana said...

Lyn, I sense that you are at a very real turning point in your life. Everything you have faced during the last year has led you to this point. You have climbed, stumbled, kept on and are now on the peak. You have clarity now. You are ready to be true to your self. When we live our lives being true to ourselves, we can sail through even the most difficult circumstances. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Irene said...

Lyn
I have warm fuzzies all over from this!! WOW thank you soooo much!!
Love,
Irene

Irene said...

Lyn
I have warm fuzzies all over from this!! WOW thank you soooo much!!
Love,
Irene

Ang said...

Lynn,
Hoping the coming days are better for you as they pass. Take care of you. You are worth it.

Feed Me I'm Cranky said...

What a beautiful and eloquent post. I really cannot put to words how incredibly moving this was. thank you for sharing.

moonduster said...

Of course you deserve to be treated with respect, kinbdness and love! I'm glad you can see that for yourself and can see that you have a CHOICE. (((hug)))

If you need anything, I'm only an e-mail away.

Deniz said...

Lyn, I'm so very sorry to hear you've been going through such a rough time - your pain comes through loud and clear in your words.

But what also shines through, as it so often does when you write, is your incredible strength. You are one amazing lady and deserve every bit of the love, kindness and respect you would wish for.

Here's 'good luck' with the rest of your journey to the life you want. You deserve every success!

moonduster said...

And again, you've inpsired another blog post from me!

NaN said...

Lyn, I missed your blogs. I'm a 'fixer' by nature but I won't give you any unsolicited advice LOL. I can tell you're a fighter and will be just fine. I'm struggling losing weight- my weight gain was a gradual process and I have to realize it will come off slowly....it's just so darn hard. I know what I have to do, but that still doesn't make it easier, does it?

Vickie said...

hugs

you knew we were all thinking of you and would be here when you came back - didn't you???

Summer said...

(((HUGS)))

Karen said...

Lyn -- I hope you are doing well; I'm so sorry you've been having a rough few days. I hope things get better.

There is something in your tone in this post that seems different from all the others -- it is almost like, through this crisis, you *were* reborn. I don't think it's strange for a death to bring about change and emotional/mental clarity. You do deserve kindness, respect and to have the life you really want -- do what you have to do to get it. We're all here for you!

Diana said...

Lyn - this just about made me cry. Okay, it DID make me cry.

I'm glad you're seeing the light. I've been reading your blog for a long time, and I knew the situation you were in wasn't healthy. I knew it had a lot to do with low self-esteem which I could see you were fighting to hang on to with your life. I wanted to say something but knew it wasn't my place. We each have to decide what is best for us. No one really knows our life until they live it.

I wish you the very best. I know the next steps you're going to take are going to be hard. I also know you are a very strong and wise woman. You'll get through this even though it's going to be painful.

You deserve better in life than what you've been getting. You deserve love. You're such an amazing person, a wonderful mother, a great writer, and so supportive of all of us struggling with our weight, I know what you want is going to come your way. You just have to take the necessary steps to get there.

flyingwoman said...

Sorry to hear about your loss.... I'll be keeping you in mind and sending strength your way today.

Leslie said...

Hi Lyn,

As always, you have a powerful message. What came to me as I was reading your post is that it is darkest before the light. It truly sounds like you've had a major spiritual awakening at a deep level. While excrutiatingly painful, these can bring us to the point of surrender into what will become a brighter and more joyful path.

I had to smile as you described the gradual demise of all the healthy food as it sat unused. That has happened in my house more times than I'd care to count. Sometimes just knowing how universal some of our "secrets" really are helps me to not feel as crazy and alone.

I'm glad you're back, and remember that your faithful readers are with you in spirit, if not in person. You continue to be an inspiration and a role model of honesty and tenacity. Hang in there. You DO deserve love and respect!

Lynne said...

Life is not easy - EVERY day brings challenges none of us could forsee. Engage them and deal with them as best you can.

You are right. NOONE deserves to be treated badly -- EVER. Decisions you make will be better than doing nothing. You can't stay trapped forever!

MAKE A CHANGE, MOVE ON! NO REGRETS! If you were your friend, what would you tell her? Really... Be honest... You have a lot of support and it sounds like you have a lot of real friends around you. They will support you too!

Retta said...

I'm sorry you have been struggling but I am glad you have found strength there, for your journey. If there is anything I can do to help you on your path please let me know!

bbubblyb said...

Can't wait to see and hear all about your rebirth. I think that's the thing we all have to finally realize that we can make our lives anything we want. Of course sometimes it's hard as heck but we can do it. You definitely deserve to be loved too but remember that should start first from within *hugs*.

Salted with Shadows said...

I'm sorry for your loss, Lyn...take care of you. You have such a beautiful spirit.

Heather said...

Lyn - I have been reading your blog since January but have never commented. I just wanted to say - wow. Congratulations on getting to this point and having the courage to make a change and to share with your readers. Sometimes we realize that this is our one life, and we have the power to decide what to do with it. You can do it.

What a Splurge said...

Your progress has been amazing. Focus on that. You put your finger on your splurge - that it wasn't frantic or out of control. Believe me, it could have been worse and that shows true change.

Paula said...

Hang in there Lyn. Here is a big [[Hug]]. I'm sending you good vibes all the way from Sacramento.

beerab said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you feel better soon, at times like these sometimes we get off track and it's OKAY. You'll get right back soon. *hugz*

The Lassie said...

Oh Lyn, I am sorry to read all this. You're strong and smart, you will get through this and create something better for yourself. *hugs*

Ria said...

Sorry you're going through a stressful time! I am sending good thoughts your way as you work towards that beautiful vision of the life you want.

Val said...

Sorry for your rough week... but what an eloquent post you've made of it!
[Congrats on your superb job of weight loss - I'm still searching for my "trigger"...]

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Lyn and hoping everything falls into place for you soon and you can look forward to a great and positive future. Love, Carol

spunkysuzi said...

Sorry i'm not on twitter much so i had no idea what you were going through.
You totally deserve respect and kindness.

Julie said...

You can do this Lyn, you have learned so much over the past year. Sometimes the rockiest path is the only one to follow. ((hugs)) from Australia.

redballoon said...

Lyn,
Your life is NOT "shattered." You are not standing in a pile of crap. You sound to me like you are emerging from your chrysalis and you are ready to emerge as that beautiful butterfly you were meant to be.

Do NOT get bogged some in ugly images and pessimism. The realizations make you feel you have messed things up but they were necessary in order to get to this point. When I read that you have not been bingeing and wallowing in self-pity but have made a few poor choices, nothing really bad, I could see that you have truly changed.

Hang in there and best of luck. We are all behind you with our support. Please remember that.

Anonymous said...

reading between the lines it appears that your friend's brothers death was a wake up call for your own life - what you can and cannot live with and/or without in life... there are no mistakes in life- this was meant to happen. timing is everything - this will give you the strength you need to go forward. you'll look back in a year and say wow.. xoxo Patty
p.s. Missed you while you were gone.

Heather said...

some weeks are like that, and life just gets in the way and you have to deal. I can relate because that is a lot of how my life is. I have the best intentions and set myself up to succeed, but sometimes things arent that easy and LIFE just happens. just know that these types of weeks come and go and its how we spend the others that really count. No one is perfect all the time

stephseef said...

super proud of you, super inspired BY you. press on!!

Wendy said...

I forgot to leave this bit of encouragement in my last comment...my arthritis got unbelievably better w/out medication after I lost the weight. Perhaps your's will also! :-)

Wendy

Melting Mama said...

Whew.

Debu-chan said...

You description of rotted fruit, slimey veggies, and spoiled meat.... is DEAD ON. I am facing that very same thing in my kitchen right now and my eating has been IN THE TUBES. The outside is a perfect reflection of what's going on inside. I just threw away a couple of nice cuts of salmon this morning that had been stinking up my fridge for over a week.

I'm a new reader to your blog and I look forward to reading more. Best of luck with things!

Erin said...

HUG!

dkaz said...

4-1/2 years ago, I went to the funeral of my sister-in-law's brother - he was my age and died just a few months after being diagnosed w/cancer. It was revelatory to me - I was 44 and miserable in my awful 19 yr marriage. I decided at that point that I could not live any longer in pain. I moved out 2 months later and have been happy ever since then. It was the best move I ever made.
I remember hearing something about Oprah saying that we teach people how we want to be treated, and I agree with that to some extent. I think once people know that you will put up with crap, crap is what they give you. BUT, if they think you won't tolerate that treatment, you won't get it. Try it - I have and people do treat you better. Still haven't found Mr. Right, but I am happily without Mr. Treated Me Badly.