Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Real Life

I am feeling a little bummed tonight. I had gotten out these denim jean capris to wear to a meeting today... ones that fit just fine... and they are so super-tight on the belly that I literally had to UNBUTTON them to eat my breakfast! But I kept 'em on all day, to remind me to be moderate with my eating. (Note to self: bad idea. Self-torture does not set the tone for a happy, confident mood). The thing is, these are the capris that I threw into the "retired" pile last summer because they were too big. In fact, I had been washing them in HOT water and drying them on super high heat to make them shrink up a bit, and still, I had to make sure I wore specific, non-silky underwear with these pants because if I wore silky ones, the capris would actually FALL DOWN. But today, they were hurting my gut they were so tight. It makes me mad.

It makes me mad that if I would just drop 25 pounds, I would be in a whole new world... yet I have not seen the scale move significantly downward in AGES. Seriously. Being around 240 pounds versus being around 215? Night and day. I sometimes feel like I may as well be 280 because my weight keeps me from doing SO MUCH stuff.

At 215, I could hike 1.8 miles of steep terrain... with effort... but I could do it and be okay.
At 240, I go out and walk a mile and a half and I am hobbling, exhausted, drained.

At 215, I could do all of my housework easily and enjoyably. I could move freely as I mopped, vacuumed, dusted.
At 240, I have to sit down in between. My legs hurt. My feet ache. My fat arms get in the way.

At 215, I had an entire wardrobe of nice clothing. I could pop up in the morning and choose form lots of pretty things to wear. I always looked good.
At 240, I am limited in what's left to wear. What I have is tight, or getting faded, getting holes in them, or just doesn't look right. I have to do laundry more often because I have so few pieces in the "right" size that look okay.

At 215, I could go anywhere and feel like a fairly normal person.
At 240, I go out and I feel like I stand out as the Fat Chick. I am embarrassed. I hate it.

I have been making effort. I have made progress. I have stayed off fast food, gotten more sleep, been more active. Yet tonight when I sat down to plan my day tomorrow, I felt the fat rolls around my middle bunching up in a most uncomfortable manner... a manner that does NOT OCCUR at 215 pounds because there ARE no fat rolls around my middle at 215 pounds. And I thought, something's gotta give. I so do not want to live like this anymore. Yeah, I have kept off 40 pounds. But it is NOT ENOUGH!! At my age, my body just cannot keep going at this weight and be well. I am unable to walk long distances... not because I lack fitness... but because I am too heavy for my knees and feet to carry. Lately I am back to the point where I wake up in the morning and think, Crap. I am still fat. This has to change.

You know, it's funny. The reason I am blogging this is because tonight, after the fat-roll incident, I thought, "It would do me good to sit down with a notebook and just journal out my feelings about my weight each night. Get them out in the open. Deal with it instead of NOT dealing with it." And then I thought, a notebook? I HAVE A BLOG! I can just write it out in my blog.

I hesitated. The thing about a blog is, it's not just personal anymore. People read it. People judge. I might get an email saying "Gee you were SO positive YESTERDAY and now you are all whining and sounding like a basket case!" Well, ya know, that's life. Real life is not one big carnival ride... wheeee! Isn't this fun! No. Real life has REAL emotions, and it is NORMAL to have many, many emotions on any given day or week or month. Sometimes we feel happy. Sometimes we are sad. Sometimes hopeful, other times, discouraged. Just because THIS post might sound like I am "down" does not mean I am all depressed, had a horrible day, or will go to bed sobbing in a bag of chips. It is just a snapshot of my many varied emotions. It helps to get the feelings and thoughts out. And, in fact, I feel BETTER just putting it all out there.

So you can expect to see more "raw footage" of my life. Don't worry, I am not a mental case, and I am not in any kind of anguish, really, over my fat. I am just thinking out loud, here. Processing. You know?

Anyway, tomorrow is my official monthly weigh-in and I am pretty much expecting it not to be pleasant. I feel bloated as heck. Too much salt today, although I ate very healthy meals and snacks up until dinnertime when I chose 2 slices of pizza because I was too exhausted to cook the chicken after errands all day and a 1.5 mile brisk walk. I ate a handful of salted peanuts, too. Which were so good, and a better PMS-breaker than the old choice of Pringles and hot dogs. But yeah, I am bloated and I am not looking forward to the scale.

I guess I have to go back to calorie counting. Nothing else seems to really work for me. I keep fighting it, wanting to "just eat healthy" but I can see that calorie counting is probably the only way I am gonna get this weight off. I've been trying to avoid it because it takes time and is annoying after the novelty wears off, but I am *deciding* now that everything I eat in October is going to be counted. Maybe then I will finally see a decent loss.

I am going to bed soon. And when I do, I am going to pat this fat roll around my middle and tell it goodbye. It's just not welcome here anymore.

See you in the morning.

25 comments:

ceam said...

You're doing great Lynn.... I am a long time reader of your blog. If I could give you any advice, it would be to go back through your your entries.... There is some powerful and inspiring stuff here and maybe it might help you find your footing... it's helped me find mine :)

your friend,
Cea

redballoon said...

Lyn,
Forget the people who judge or compare. To some, you're entertainment and a way of perhaps feeling that they themselves are doing something when they're actually just trying to lose weight vicariously. LOL.
I would welcome the more honest you, the full frontal, in your face, unadulterated you. Because, it's more like me and THAT I can relate to.
You know, I've been doing the same thing, aiming for healthy but not really doing what it needs to take off the fat.
I'm still trying to avoid counting. Now trying the McKenna approach of only eating when hungry, not a mouthful longer and having whatever food you want. Wow, how cutting-edge is that? The last point, yes, and that's the main thing in a way. No more guilt AS LONG AS I can say I was hungry.
You might want to give it a try.
I think you've come far enough and gone through far MORE than enough to have to resort to counting. Just my thoughts....smile! :)

Kim's (Girl Who Clicked) Fat Loss Blog said...

Say what you need to say, dont worry about judgement. We are all in this together and we all have our up and down days (I'm on a down day too..). Have your tried Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) for PMS, works really well. And get this, I have lost 30 kg and since I have been exercising more and lost weight, I no longer get PMS! I used to get it 3 days out, my husband would always know when my period was coming from my foul mood. I also had sore knees that clicked and hurt going up steps. Totally gone now. 25 kg to go. Let's do it!

Tatulah said...

I prefer honesty and raw emotion. It keeps us real and I can relate to that. Losing weight is not always an inspiring journey - it is often gritty as hell.

One "new" thing I am trying is, of course, food journaling and FitDay. It takes a while to get used to but it lets you see how many calories you're consuming. I'm not calorie counting yet, but I think it's a good start to getting familiar with what item is how many calories.

Sarah said...

Everyday life is not fun and u r allowed to have off days. I am to having trouble to get the scale to move but when I get mad I just remember I have lost 23 pounds so that is 23 pounds more I don't have to lose. Keeping 40 off is a big thing and just think of all the things you can do know that you wouldn't with 40 more pounds. Keep up the great work.
Like I say I gain weight just walking by food but getting it off is a another story.

Vickie said...

I think you are smart for working/thinking a month at a time. Counting for a month seems like a good plan to me. And I know that you are getting more and more veggies into your food plan as time goes on - and that will help you also.

All the way down the scale - the physical benefits of getting the pounds OFF continues. It is not just at the starting weights. When down at the finishing weights - when it doesn't seem like there would be a big difference - there still IS. Every 10 pounds or so - even at the low end - makes a BIG difference on much easier exercise and normal life activities are.

Anonymous said...

"Just because THIS post might sound like I am "down" does not mean I am all depressed, had a horrible day, or will go to bed sobbing in a bag of chips. It is just a snapshot of my many varied emotions. It helps to get the feelings and thoughts out. And, in fact, I feel BETTER just putting it all out there."

I am the same. Writing is very theraputic I think, and getting it down on paper, or on the screen, really helps with unloading. Rather than it being the actions of a depressed person, I feel it's the action of someone who is midful and conscious of the way she feels and the problems she has to tackle.

I tend to do the same thing, and when I re-read my thoughts I think they're a bit too self-indulgent, often negative and bordering on depressing butthey're not really. I often feel mad with myself when I write, because of my human failings and the way I am, but I also know that I am a fairly upbeat and positive person. I see my writing as my own personal shrink's couch! It's a cheaper way to unload!

From a reader's perspective, all I think is "Yep! I feel like that too! Lyn has hit the nail on the head again..."

I too loathe my rolls of belly fat. When sitting...when standing even, my stomach is further out in front of me than my breasts. Oh to have a waist...My backside now has a shelf..and that's not a negative appraisal of myself, it's true!

Acceptance of what is always helps I think...so keep on writing Lyn! Sometimes I think you must have somehow gotten inside my head - you write just what I feel.

I am refusing to count calories by the way. I just can't...it seems to magnify the whole "I am on a diet" thing, which IS a rather depressing way to live.

Best wishes,

DBee x

Rae at 24:01 A.M. said...

You'll get down to your goal weight, I know you can! It's always hard to lose a bit of weight and then find out that it's back. I remember when I lost 17 lbs I was ecstatic, but I gained it all back within a short period of time.


It's so much easier to say "I'll eat healthy" than to actually do it, but I know you can. You're an inspiration to everyone who reads your blog. Even me :)

Claire said...

When it comes down to it this blog should be to help YOU. That's the point. Do or say whatever helps you achieve your goals. Expressing your emotions will help. Don't be put off by people saying you shouldn't. That's how you and I got fat in the first place! Shout, scream, rage, rant and whoop! It's all ok and it is all MUCH healthier than the other option. I'm much angrier now than I was 100 pounds ago because I'm not doped up on food and because I allow myself to express it. No-one has been significantly affected because of this change - except me in a good way! You go girl - become who you want to be! x

Larkspur said...

We know all about the up and down. Depending on which time of day you get me, I'm up or I'm down. Or whether the sun is shining. Or whether my son has a date for the homecoming dance. I try to post in the "up" cycle as I feel it is more energizing for my bloggees, but I'm pretty sure they all get the up/down thing too.

*~* Jenni *~* said...

I enjoy the 'raw footage' and 'real life' because thats how I know I'm not the only one that feels like this.

Keep writing from the heart.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lynn -- next time you think about just putting things in a journal, know that your posts help others (like me). I venture to say that MANY of us have felt what you've felt, eaten what you've eaten, but aren't as articulate when it comes to putting it 'out there'. I'm sorry you're struggling but your post helps others and according to everything I've read (which is a lot!), help organize things in your help and move you past bumps. When is your book coming out?

Anonymous said...

Ok, it was supposed to read: "helps organize things in your head". See why YOU have the blog...

Crabby McSlacker said...

I love that you are honest. And not just because it's your blog and you can write whatever you need to--but also because I think it's really helpful for everyone to realize that even the most inspirational, successful people have tough struggles too!

Hope things are looking up soon!

moonduster said...

As you know, I don't count the calories in my vegetables and fruit. But I do have to count the calories in everything else. Slimming World is a plan that lets you eat as much as you want, but due to past binges, I don't trust myself enough to follow it completely. I've been counting calories for 15 months now. What can I say other than that it works?

I've got 23.5 pounds left to reach a healthy BMI and my target weight. Then I might try not counting calories and see how I do with it.

Here's hoping you can get back on track and where you want to be soon. (((hug)))

Leslie said...

Thanks for your honesty Lyn. I ended up bingeing last night and this morning thought "I'm not saying this on my blog." Well, Now I am, and it's because I read your post. What good does witholding truth do me? NONE.

I hear you about the full gamut of emotions we can have each day. Hell, sometimes over the course of an hour! It helps me tremendously to get it out somewhere. Hang in there. This is a new day, a new month, and as a daily meditation book I have is titled, A New Beginning.

Melissa Venable said...

Thank you for this post. I feel the same (please never stop your honest posts! i so relate to them & they help me tremendously).

I've been so uncomfortable lately in my fat. I weigh 275. I started at 279. So it's coming off SLOWLY (i started 2 months ago). But i've lately noticed more than ever that belly fat! I'm a stage manager in the local theatre & for some reason that's where i notice it most, sitting there in rehearsals, i am so uncomfortable! I do count calories, but it is so tedious, that i'm feeling pretty proud of myself if i do it a few days a week. Are you on Sparkpeople's website? I think if there was ever a site to help you lose weight, Sparkpeople is the one! But even w/ a helpful site like that one, it is still so tedious & the thing i have the hardest time getting in the habit of.

It bothers me that people send you such hateful emails! I have a weight loss blog too & everyone is so encouraging- but i only have 12 followers. Hehe. :) But i don't understand why people would be anything but supportive... :( Try to ignore those naysayers who judge your every move(easier said than done, but still!). You have lots of followers who love you & support you & admire you!

ctina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ctina said...

Also want to add there is NO SHAME in counting calories. It has a bad rap. But, it's the best. It can be tedious, true-- but the computer makes it easier.

I also think there's no shame in being on a diet. Or, calling it a diet. I think WW and pop culture has dirtied the term. But, if you are overweight and you want to lose it, paying attention to what you are eating or restricting what you eat and your portions a bit more than normal just makes logical sense.

I'm on a diet at the moment & counting calories. Because, it helps me reset myself. And, realize I really DON'T need all this junk food...candy and donuts... I need to get back on track.

Debbie said...

I think you are doing great. Just try to think of this keeping 40lbs off as practice for keeping the weight off once you have lost it.
I know you had blogged about your feelings when people you know have started with you or after you and yet they have lost more but the trickiest part of weight loss is maintaining the weight loss for significant periods of time.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Well, you know where you need to be and you know how to get there. I suppose it's up to you now, isn't it?

I'm rooting for ya, Lyn.

Naomi.de.Plume said...

Hey Lyn, I want to tell you something you told us a while ago...

"Wanting it is NOT enough. We have to WORK for it. Persevere."

What you're doing now is the work part. What you're feeling is what makes it hard to Persevere but you will, just like you worked toward that bicycle. Ignore the Ice Cream Truck, it doesn't matter how good it looks or happy the people eating Ice Cream look you know what you want and you'll get it.

Maude said...

I feel your pain! I too have avoided the calorie counting, but I recently gave in and went back. It doesn't have to be forever, but it really is going to be the only way you're going to face the truth of what you're eating. I'm speaking from experience!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
I'm a new reader but I'm the exact size as you. I know exactly how you feel. I'm working though the Beck Diet solution book to prepare myself to start dieting again for the FINIAL time. We can and will weigh 215 again and we will kick butt!
Liz H

Christina said...

I really understand what you're saying about blogging. I definitely wouldn't judge you for having a "moment" :). We all do - and it IS life. Sometimes I find myself rethinking my blog - and editing myself because I like to keep it positive as much as I can. In fact - I've deleted some posts I didn't feel I wanted to go back to again. Not because I was afraid others might read it and judge me by a certain post, but because for me - it helps me to stay positive. Once I get in a negative rut it's hard to pull myself out, so I try to do it for my own good - and usually - it works. Do whatever feels right for YOU. Blogging can be a very good de-stresser!

As far as calorie counting - honestly as much as I hate to admit it - I think it's truly the only way to go. Sometimes it's a pain and I stop it for a few days - and guess what - those are the few days I will either lose 6oz (or something just as worthless), stay the same - or worse - GAIN. Tracking calories FORCES you to look at the numbers. You can't deny that salad dressing had 120 calories! That muffin for breakfast just cost you... oh crap... 400! Better watch it for the rest of the day, etc. It keeps you AWARE. I know it really keeps me in check - and has taught me SO much about food - things I never knew. I'm so greatfull that I gave it a try. I'm sure you know all of this already - but just my 2 cents.

Have you heard of the Bodybugg? They use it on the biggest loser. Even some fitness professionals like Chalene Johnson sport the Bodybugg. It's an arm band that measures your calories you're burning 24/hrs a DAY. This enables you to not guesstimate your caloric burn like we have to do for calorie counting lifestyles - but KNOW it. I finally got one - and actually my flex pay at work paid for it. All I had to do was send in a doctor's note recommending that I get one to help me lose weight.

After getting one I found out how much my heart rate monitor was overestimating my exercise burn - which was leading to me eating more than I had actually burned - what a nightmare. And I thought I was being so accurate by having a HRM. I also find it really motivating to look down at the little digital display watch throughout the day to see how much I've burned and how much I still need to burn! It's very motivating.

Sorry such a long post - you seem frustrated and I know how that is so I thought you might find this interesting and maybe helpful. If you have any questions feel free to ask!