Thursday, September 17, 2009

Clarity

So, you ask, how's it going? Gaining weight? Losing weight? Coming unglued?

No, yes, no.

Last week when I wrote the post, The Bike, I did so mostly out of frustration and determination and as a way of reminding myself that even when things are going slowly and the weight is not dropping off in sheets, I have to keep working. I can't stop, give up, or take a side trip to the ice cream truck. I have to work until I reach my goal... if I want to reach my goal, ever. I had spent the first week of September following my plan religiously: staying within my calorie limit, walking, biking, lifting weights. And what did I get from that? Well, On September 1 I weighed 241 pounds. On September 2, I weighed 240 pounds. And that is what I weighed on September 8th. Annoying. Frustrating. Discouraging. Like a mother who ignores her hard-working child's efforts and gives her no allowance, the scale was not giving me the payback I *thought* I deserved. But I pressed on.

The second week was more chaotic, with the death and the funeral and all. I wrote about my eating and how I was off in la-la land emotionally but still did not binge. I didn't work out as much and I didn't eat particularly healthy until a a couple days ago when I snapped out of it. I've been working harder and not eating at every whim. And today what do I weigh? 239.

So it's more than halfway through the month and I am down 2 pounds. I feel ridiculous. I have to put a lot of effort into just not GAINING more weight. I could regain that 2 pounds and 5 more with just a couple of days of crazy binge eating. Two pounds is really nothing when your weight can jump ten pounds up and down in a week's time.

But, I'll take it. I will nickel and dime my way to 140 pounds if that's what it takes. I just have to keep working and not let myself slide the other direction. Many things in my life are changing right now. It really is TIME for change, and time to care better for ME.

The other day I was driving home from running errands. I hadn't eaten lunch yet and was feeling quite hungry. But the main thing I was feeling was anxious and upset. I was thinking about that death and what my life is going to be like in the near future and all I wanted was an ice cream cone. I was driving along thinking, I WANT an ice cream cone. I NEED an ice cream cone. I deserve the comfort. I am going to have one *for lunch* and that way I can stay within my calories. Only, I knew I wouldn't, really. A sugar high from a double scoop of peanut butter chocolate ice cream on an empty stomach *never* leads to good things.

I was driving along hoping my daughter would fall asleep in the back seat so I would be able to swing through McDonald's drive thru, get my cone, and sit in the parking lot completely checked out of the real world and absorbed by the icy creamy coldness of that ice cream. I have to drive past a McDonald's every day on my way home, which is really not a good thing for a binge eater. So as I was driving, about 2 blocks from McDonald's my daughter fell asleep, and I thought, "I do not really want an ice cream cone. I don't think I can eat." I had this sadness in the pit of my stomach like a knot, and what I really wanted was not available to me. I knew from experience that eating the ice cream WOULD make the knot in my stomach go away. But I don't think that's healthy, or normal. I was feeling anxious for a reason, and the reason wasn't food. I drove on past the McDonald's, went home, and thought about the feelings. I had a reasonable lunch that did NOT include ice cream or fast food. I could have soothed my feelings with junky stuff. I could have stuffed it down, swallowed my feelings and pretended everything was okay but what would that accomplish? By avoiding feelings and not thinking, action will not occur. We remain stuck in our trap, knee deep in our mess, deluded into feeling sort of okay about it. Maybe a little bit of anxiety or discomfort is a good thing for me. It has driven me to changes.

I have spent ten years covering my reality in chocolate. I didn't want to feel it. I want to feel it now... positive, negative, all of it. Because what is life if we only experience it through a haze of grease and sugar, like smears on the window? I've been a child, stuffing myself with french fries and then pattering off with my greasy hands and pressing them on the window glass until all I could see of the outside world was a smudgey blur. Time to grow up and clean the windows.

35 comments:

erin said...

That last paragraph is beautiful and amazing. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Well said, and well done. For the first bit, the frustration with not losing weight fast enough-- we all go through that. I dropped my first 10 lbs really easily but after that I have had to work very hard indeed and some weeks the scale does not reward me as I deserve. BUT, while my scale is not moving, my shape certainly is--- I'm down 4 sizes in 5 months, but only 18 lbs. Keep at it, don't give up and it WILL come off.

Chin up, things will get better.

Barb

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Very powerful post, Lyn. You're showing some real strides with your recent choices. Yes, it's frustrating how slowly the weight can come off, especially considering just how quickly you know you could put it back on if you slipped.

All I can tell you is that the longer you can go without falling into those old ways, the easier it gets to keep it up. The thought of cruising through a McDonald's and ordering anything simply nauseates me now.

Very good post.

Mary Frances said...

Just discovered your blog and can really relate. I had lap band surgery last December and results have been discouraging (weight loss of about 30 pounds). To be more positive, it has prevented much weight gain. For the past 2 months, I have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds, and am at 227. Thanks for sharing your journey.

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

ok, I really applaud you for sticking with your program under difficult circumstances. I'm going through my own personal hell lately and let me tell ya....I've been dreaming of donuts.

I'm sorry you lost someone. I'm going to have to get caught up on your blog :(

BTW, did you know that McDonald's ice cream cone is only 150 calories and 3.5g of fat? I completely understand that isn't the point of your post, but just thought I'd say that in case you feel like treating yourself at some time. That really isn't a bad way to go if you are going to do it xx

Leslie said...

As always, I relate totally to this post. I just posted today about a small ridiculous binge last night, and asked the question, "what did it accomplish?" You asked yourself the same question BEFORE the binge. Great work! Identifying the knot in the stomach that food would effect, but not change, was so insightful. Thanks Lyn for a great post. I'm with you...I want to see the world clearly and know my thoughts and feelings without the haze and fog that every binge brings.

Lil Miss D said...

I love this ---> "I will nickel and dime my way to 140 pounds if that's what it takes"

Amen! I feel the exact same way! You put it so susinctly :)

Keep at it and you'll make it. Here's hoping we all will!

Jennifer said...

Great analogy. I know if it had been me I wouldn't have stopped with the ice cream cone, but would have got a valu-sized heart attack to go with it. Maybe you can keep a notebook in your purse to write things down when you feel like that. Kind of like: why do I want to eat this? answer why do I feel bad? Until you can work your way through the feelings.

Jennifer said...

Great analogy. I know if it had been me I wouldn't have stopped with the ice cream cone, but would have got a valu-sized heart attack to go with it. Maybe you can keep a notebook in your purse to write things down when you feel like that. Kind of like: why do I want to eat this? answer why do I feel bad? Until you can work your way through the feelings.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Lyn. A tough time time but you're more than holding it together. You're still making progress on the psychological front which is the most important.

It's difficult when your body is responding so slowly. Some day soon you WILL have that scale victory.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Anonymous said...

You amaze me Lyn... if anyone deserves this, you do. keep at it and you will do it. You have so many plugging for you... good luck and my best to you always... xoxo Patty

bbubblyb said...

*hugs*

Melissa Venable said...

i don't remember if i've commented on here before, but i am SO THANKFUL to have found you. I am only into this a few months. It's a daily struggle but i believe i'll get there one day. i have a weightloss blog too & it's really helping me! anyway, i know how you feel. i do theatre every night & am sometimes STARVING after it. 2 days in a row, i called my husband to keep him talking to me to distract me from stopping at McDonald's. I was truly HUNGRY but can NOT eat fast food! But i made it!!!

Anonymous said...

I too am thankful to have found you!

Rachael said...

I really like your blog. Mind if it link to it on mine?

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I spent a decade covering my reality in chocolate too. You write a beautiful story of your journey of change.

Thank you for sharing.

Wendy said...

I know the frustration you are experiencing, however try to keep in mind that if you lose it slowly you are more likely to keep it off. I recently did a post about the time it takes to lose weight, relative to the time we have spent overweight. Maybe it could encourage you?

*hugs*

Karen said...

Dear Lyn,

I think most people who have ever attempted to lose a great deal of weight share your frustration at not losing quickly enough. Just remind yourself that we've ALL been there and that frustration and feeling of hopelessness is pretty normal. Losing weight is hard (to say the least) and it takes forever.

Beyond that, I again sense a new kind of tone in your writing -- you seem to have acquired a new perspective on your whole situation, weight and food issues included. You sound more powerful and more ready, in a sense, to accomplish your goals. I think you will do it -- a year from now, I predict you will be a much thinner person with a much letter life situation.

Karen said...

much BETTER* life situation. Duh!

screwdestiny said...

That last paragraph was just great. But it makes sense. Everyone does that at some point in their lives, I think, maybe not with food, but with something to shut out reality. Because sometimes reality sucks. But you're wise to realize that overall it will be better to face it and take it all in.

antgirl said...

Insightful. I, too, love that last paragraph.

The frustration is part of it, but keep going and the weight will come off. It took me two years.

100togo said...

wow, thank you for this post. It is very honest. I can really relate to the part about not losing weight in spite of trying ... I feel like that a lot. It is also good to hear that you can possibly lose 10 lbs in a week. As someone starting out in the weight loss journey once again, I am so inspired by your honest accounts of the weight loss process. I love your blog. All the best to you and good for you for making good choices in spite of the hard times in your life. Take care.

lyricgirl said...

Good job on staying strong!

Theresa said...

have you ever given any thought to joining an OA meeting? I am a member and they honestly make you feel like you are not alone in your feelings.... great support.

Kim's (Girl Who Clicked) Fat Loss Blog said...

Phew...! Well done overcoming that icecream and how beautifully you expressed it. Good on YOU! Hey 2 pounds is great, dont be discouraged, it's a loss and that is good. Are you measuring yourself? Do you drink heaps of water, like 2 plsu litres a day? Because I have known people to change nothing but their water consumption and their plateau finishes. Finding you an inspiration, sharing the journey as I am.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Love this post...

BTW: I've started a new blog strictly for my online peeps. Please don't mention it on my regular blog, but I'd love to have you over there following me!

http://gettingandstayinghealthy.wordpress.com/

Tammy said...

You find the coolest ways to say the most profound things. I'm proud of you for not bingeing Lyn...even in the hardest of times such as death. Very, very proud.

Julie said...

once again a wonderful post lyn. you definitely sound like change is on the way. keep strong.

Hanlie said...

You are one of the most courageous people I "know". Thanks for sharing your thought processes with us! We all benefit greatly.

Lasserday said...

beautiful, thank you.

Paula said...

I always identify with what you say... the weight comes off in ounces for me despite the hard work and its a challenge to keep on the good path. Bravo for you!!

Trainer Momma said...

I think our cars automatically find the nearest McDonald's for those ice cream cones. It's crazy. Good for you for driving past!

www.trainermomma.blogspot.com

Salted with Shadows said...

"Because what is life if we only experience it through a haze of grease and sugar, like smears on the window? I've been a child, stuffing myself with french fries and then pattering off with my greasy hands and pressing them on the window glass until all I could see of the outside world was a smudgey blur."

This was so beautiful and rang so true I had to see it again.

Kristin said...

I just had to say--you're a TALENTED wonderful writer. You really do have a way with words and I find your story very compelling. Keep up your excellent work, both in your writing and your life. Blessings to you! (a fellow NW girl :)

happyfunpants said...

Feeling your feelings? For me, there is nothing harder than that...just sitting with my feelings while knowing that I could soothe and smother myself in the comfort of chocolate...or ice cream...or...

You're doing great - and the small victories like the on you had will make a difference.