Friday, August 28, 2009

Lyn 1, Binge 0

Second post in one day! I am so proud of myself I can't stand it! If you can stomach another minute-by-minute food post, here ya go. I inspired myself!

This morning after yesterday's night at the fair (previous post, in case you missed it) I was SO sore and tired. My plan was to sit around and do nothing all day to give my body (and mind) a break. I started my day out with a nice, healthy smoothie made from nonfat yogurt, a mango, some OJ, whey powder for protein, spinach, and ice. I blogged. I started thinking about food. And it went downhill from there.

See, the thing most people don't get about a Binge Eating Disorder is how terribly obsessed one can become with particular foods. It's not just a fleeting thought you can dismiss or distract yourself with; sometimes, it is outright immersion in the desires for The Foods. And sometimes, this terrible longing comes over me for a Binge. It's like I imagine a druggie wanting his fix; I feel a physical craving overcome me, I start feeling anxious. I can't get The Binge out of my head. Yeah I KNOW I want to be thin, but in those moments, I want The Feeling: the comforting, welcoming, ecstatic sensation of the sights and scents and mouthfeel of *all that food* and the amazing high I get from feeling my stomach getting fuller, and fuller, and fuller. Yeah, it's messed up. That's why it's called a disorder.

Anyway, so around lunchtime I was starting to get these really insane binge thoughts:

I can go back to the fair. I will eat onion rings and fried zucchinis and indian tacos and ice cream and funnel cakes and...
I will go to the grocery store and buy every food I want for my binge. I will buy chips and dip and cheese and Coke and a cake and ice cream and pudding and Oreos and pizza...

Heck, I was really teetering there for awhile. I made myself 2 eggs and spinach and a Double Fiber English muffin and green tea. I felt better but still wanted to binge. Many, many times in my life, this craziness has been set off by some random stimulus. I'd see a McDonald's commercial and go racing out the door like a madwoman to eat a 3000 calorie snack sitting in my car between meals. I'd see a food in a magazine and I HAD to HAVE IT. And a bunch of other foods to go with it, because it ain't a binge unless you have that massive variety and insane inhaling of one food after another. Heck, it's happened when I read a sentence. What? That blog has "cheesepuffs" in its name? Oh my gosh. I HAVE TO HAVE CHEESE PUFFS. And hot dogs and cookies and...

This time, obviously, the 'trigger' was seeing and smelling all those fair foods yesterday, even though at the time, I was NOT going nutso wishing I could eat them all. Somewhere deep in Lyn's psyche, a button was pushed. And today I was nuts for a binge.

After sitting around half the day, I decided to take my youngest to the park for a bit. So we did that. Then I knew I needed to go get bread and milk and cheese. I *knew* I was in a bad place mentally. But I told myself, look self. You can keep on binge eating like that and you will not only STAY fat, you're going to get FATTER. Do you want to eat onion rings and keep feeling these big ol' fat rolls hanging off your body? No, you don't. You want to be smaller. So get a grip.

(Let me insert that normally, I feel completely powerless to 'get a grip' once the Binge process has begun. Kinda like asking a crackhead to put down his spoon mid-snort. Or something.)

I went to the store. I enjoyed my walk through the aisles. I bought what I needed. I wanted a treat for myself and I still wanted that comforting feeling of a FULL stomach. Sometimes, that's just what I need emotionally, as weird as it sounds. So instead of:

frozen onion rings, pizzas, Coke, french bread, chips, dips, Little Debbie Cakes, a frozen pie, a box of cookie mix, a cheesecake, some truffles, and a box of chocolate

I bought myself

a rotisserie chicken and a Bolthouse Farms soy protein drink.

I came home, ate a bunch of chicken and drank half of my soy drink. I feel *cared for* and indulged. Yeah, that kind of chicken is a bit salty. But not as salty as the can of Pringles and 6-pack of hot dogs I was considering.

I am so proud of myself. I think this is the very first time I have EVER been in absolute Binge mindset, actually considering doing it and desperate for the sensations, and GOT THROUGH IT with substitute foods eaten in a controlled manner. I did not stuff myself. I did not go for more stuff when I was done. I feel fine, and the desire to binge is GONE. This has never happened to me before.

I am thrilled. I feel like this is evidence that all the mental and emotional work I have been doing for the past 2 years is finally paying off. If I can do it once, maybe I can do it again. Maybe I can STOP binge eating. I think this is doable. I want it. I am so excited!

Thanks for letting me share this victory!

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey-whats an indian taco?

F. McButter Pants said...

LOVE THIS POST!

I am totally rooting for you Lyn. You can do it!

WE CAN DO THIS!

my word verification is corns...weird

Shelley said...

OMG!!! that totally sounds like what happens to me. i have watched myself getting bigger and bigger. i didn't think anyone else knew what i go through.

screwdestiny said...

That's great! There's no maybe about it--you totally can stop binge eating. You proved it to yourself today and that's fantastic. By the way, I'm wondering what an Indian taco is, too...

Friend of the Bear said...

WOW! This is truly amazing! I know how hard it is to stop once that thing gets rolling. I was worried about you after reading the funfair post. I know how having to say no so many times to yourself and seeing others eating what you want all around can mess with a person's head. And the damage can last a lot longer than that particular afternoon (or whatever).

BUT YOU DEALT WITH IT!

It's interesting that you chose very high protein stuff. I've read so much recently about protein being the most satisfying thing you can eat. Was this an *intuitive* choice? If so then this is even better - although obviously it's brilliant anyway.

I avoided a binge myself today after reading Sean's Thursday post. It really helped me.

More power to all of us!
Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Lyn said...

Indian Taco = fast road to obesity.

Take a huge lump of bread dough. Flatten it out and deep fry it (like an elephant ear, but no sugar on it). Then you add tacos stuff all over the top... greasy taco meat, grated cheese, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes. Very addictive!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

It's great that you were able to ride out the storm with minimal damage. The farther I get from my last binge, the less and less I feel the cravings. Every once in awhile, out of the blue, something will hit me, but it's nothing I can't shove to the back of my brain.

Good for you for staying in control, Lyn. WTG.

Anonymous said...

Thanks you for your blog.
You are so honest with your struggles.
I want you to know how much you are helping me out in this fight with food......

Jennifer said...

Good for you. I bet the feeling of success is pretty powerful too.

MB said...

Congrats on your victory. I don't think I've ever been able to talk myself out of a binge like that. Keep up the good work. You're getting stronger every day.

Mig said...

That's so fantastic Lynn!!
Okay so you explained the Indian Taco.. now what is an elephant ear??

kelly said...

Good for you! Our fair is in two weeks, I can't/won't let myself go. Just too risky! Keep up the great work.

Amrita said...

Woohoo! That's amazing. Truly a gold star day.

Blossom said...

Your comments about Binge Disorder sound like they could have come out of my head. When I get the thought about a food in my head, I. Have. To. Have. It. NOW! Sometimes I win, sometimes I still lose. I'm super happy for your victories!

cmoursler said...

my mom used to make 'indian tacos' and as bad as they are for you...omg are they good. i haven't had one in years. Eating would should technically stop your heart. I once cured a potential chip binge with a very small bag of pistachio nuts. Great job on the substitution. Protien does it for me as well.

Jodie said...

You are not alone in your emotional binges. I have gone to the grocery store and bought - 6 hotdogs, a bag of chips, and one of those small cakes that could probably feed 4 people and eat them all at one sitting and THEN eat a regular meal. I can't tell you how many times I repeated this scenario. You deserve such praise for fighting it! Way to Go!

Theresa said...

WTG Lyn. Not much else to say except AWESOME work! :)

Becky said...

Awesome! You did it this time, you CAN do it again. I love how you substituted something reasonable for the irrational stuff you craved. I'm so totally with you on the binging. I can buy a bag of candy and eat the whole thing in lightning speed, and have many times. But now if I am getting that insane urge, one small candy bar won't kill me. I can work it into my daily points (Weight Watchers). I am definitely not in favor or depriving, cause that's just now how life works, so making smart compromises is awesome! Congrats! Thanks for your encouragement!

Gazza said...

Fantastic work!!

I absolutely love your blog. You're so honest and so open about the struggle that a lot of us are facing... most of your posts make me think and recognise the same things in myself... You're truly an inspiration and help me with my own struggle with every entry you write.

So, well done, we're all proud. And keep it up!

Gazzy

Chris said...

Congratulations! I get that urge to binge a lot myself, and substituting something much healthier is about the only thing that ever stops me or puts it off... Usually for me it only works if I do that virtually as soon as I start thinking about binging, so to manage a controlled shopping trip and still pull it off after half a day of fighting it is outstanding!

Saje said...

SO proud of you!!! Keep it up, Lyn!

Amy H. said...

Lyn, I think while you were going thru your binge control episode, I was having my own all day. This has got to get easier with practice, right? Thanks for sharing your struggles - it makes me feel like less of a freak.

Anonymous said...

OMG, your post described the "feelings" that come with binges so WELL! Thank you for your blog! And congratulations on rising above the compulsion. I'm not sure I've ever been able to do more than delay a binge in the making. You're so right about the thoughts getting stuck in your head. Way to fight it. You're an inspiration!

Damjana said...

Hope you don't mind if I read/comment your blog. I found it two days ago so I had the chance to read two latest posts.
I know how it looks like when you feel like having cravings for a particular food. And that every single thing can trigger them.
I did lots of binge/purging last year, much less this year, now I'm much better. I don't crave store-bought foods anymore, which before I used to.
I'm so proud of you, this is incredibly difficult to achieve! More difficult than everyone would think. To substitute a craving? No go. But you managed it, wow!
Too bad binges won't make you/anyone thinner.
I like it that you write in detail how it looked like! Lyn wins over onion rings! (can you imagine, I never had onion rings in my life, here they are not popular, though I've seen them recently in store, look like chips, in a bag)

Sara said...

Victory indeed.

Sometimes my culinary tourette's syndrome gets into full swing and I can't stop fidgeting until I either eat whatever it is that's got me in it's throes...or force myself to got to sleep. (which is a difficult task when you're, say, in a business meeting staring down kolaches or driving across the state to a wedding...)

Dana (www.eatsleepgetfit.com) said...

Awesome job on the descisions. I feel like that too sometimes!

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I started out reading the blogs of women who have lost more than half their body weight for inspiration. And when I realized I needed to connect with someone who was currently in the ring with boxing gloves on, I started reading yours and I have to say, you keep giving me the motivation to go another day. I, too, am trying to overcome this terrible disorder. Thank you for being so honest and for having the courage to share it with everyone else. I have started my own blog, but too chicken to share it yet. Thank you.

The Road Curves Ahead said...

Awesome post... the mention of little debbie snack cakes made me giggle I often felt they were the devil. You get lots of fat and calories really cheap.

ctina said...

It DOES get easier to fight the Binges. Keep up the practice! You can do it!

~TMcGee~ said...

Oye! Perhaps, I should change my blog name. :-) But in all serious, you are incredible, Lyn....you will win this battle.

SunflowerDaisies said...

Yay! Congratulations. :-) I hope it continues to go well for you.

The Sugar Queen said...

Jeez, I've been struggling with that needing-to-binge feeling all this week, too. Was able to avert it last Sunday by blogging about it, but it's still lurking. Sometimes it just wears me out, all the time I devote to fighting these obsessive urges.

Way to go, Lyn, for riding it out and getting past it without a zillion-calorie crash-n-burn!

Ria said...

Great strategy for avoiding the binge . . . and great execution. I'm giving you a virtual high-five right now, and I want you to know that reading about your victory has definitely got me fired up to make good choices today. Thanks again for your insight and inspiration, and I'm rooting for a shutout for you!

Sonya said...

Yeah! Go you.:-)

That moment of whether to binge or not is SO critical. You showed binge who was boss, so just put that part of the movie in repeat again and again. You can do it!

redballoon said...

Wow, Lyn. That's amazing. You have definitely turned a corner...a HUGE one! Congratulations.

tanya said...

Funny story about the fair. I went with my sister who is a vegetarian. We did not plan for lunch and when we started looking around I saw nothing without meat. Burgers, pulled pork, smoked meat, ham, peperoni pizza, hot dogs... I was worried there wouldn't be anything for my sister to eat. I asked my sister to look around to see if there was anything she would eat and told her I'd have the same. So off she went and while she was walking around she saw someone eating tofu and salad. She asked where they got it, thinking they may have brought it from home. "Go to the cheesecake and and ask for the tofu special, it's not on the menu." They told her. So there we are sitting at the fair surrounded by greasy meat eating our sesame tofu, salad and whole-wheat pasta. It was delicious!

Rebecca said...

http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/

Have you ever read Sean's blog? You might get a lot out of it. I sure have.

Anonymous said...

Hurray for you, Lyn!

Marie

Lisa said...

GREAT victory. I wish I can say I did the same. :(

Steelers6 said...

In MY book, Lyn scored more than a "1" today! What a great victory, girl! First you are in control at the fair, then the supermarket...keep it going! WOW. And stop and think for a moment how your posts are affecting others too. That is so cool! I am glad you allowed yourself the supermarket 'splurge', that was a good idea. Maybe it is the splurge mentality alittle, and you can buy 'clean' splurges. ?

I started my journey Jan 08, and last year I didn't even go to the fair. It does seem all about the food, and I don't want to be around things that are all about the food right now. Tomorrow I am even passing on a local lovely brunch with fam just bc I don't want to be exposed to all that, and don't want to spend the $. I also need to 'pre-meditate' the food before going to some places, like you did w/the fair. Plan it out.

Thanks for sharing some of your epiphanies regarding your escape. They are very interesting, and probably as useful to us readers as they are to you. One example being spending $ on fruit at the fair.

YOU WENT ON THE RIDES WITH YOUR KIDS!!You are escaping obesity!!!! You are living!

How have your knees been after your walk w/your dd the other day?
Chrissy

Lyn said...

Chrissy~

knees seem ok! I am limping some and quite achy but not *that* much more than usual. :)

Keeven said...

Good job. Keep it up!
The sweet smell of success

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

You should read this book that just came out "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler. I just read it last week and it has really opened my eyes as to why I overeat. It is all habitual. It's all in the brain. And your right, it is very similar to a drug addict. If you want to know why you overeat, read this book. It may help you the next time you have the urge to binge. I know it helped me. The key is breaking the old habits. What we learn from a small age and all the sensory images that go along with food, i.e. driving by McDonalds and getting a craving, this may go back to some childhood memory that makes you feel good and makes you want that feeling again, hence the strong cravings. This post totally made me think of that book.

Tammy said...

Praise the Lord!! I'm glad you fought your way out of the mindset and came out successful...too funny though..I, too, have bought a rotisserie chicken before when having binge thoughts...and it does help, thank goodness. I'm so proud of you for beating it...and yes, you can do it the next time, and the next...until it's no longer a problem. You'll beat it Lyn..I know you will. :)

Stephanie said...

That is one of the best descriptions Ive ever heard. You detailed exactly what I fight with and often give in to. Good luck and congratulations.

cindyay said...

WOWOWWOW! Dang, this is great, and gives people like me hope. YOu are doing SUCH a great job and I'm glad you're able to see the TREMENDOUS progress you have actually made b/c from my own experiences, I tend to forget my accomplishments and focus on the bad but I'm glad you're not. I don't know you personally, but for some reason, I feel proud of you! I think this is so awesome and even though i don't know you, I'm happy for you! There is hope!