Saturday, August 22, 2009

Change, or Not

After planning to sulk around all weekend doing nothing and eating the wrong kinds of stuff (we fatties call this "taking a break"), I have had a complete change of heart. I woke up ready to take it all on... feeling 100% recommitted to doing whatever I can *right now* to get this weight off. After all, my goal is not to take the easy road and stay "about the same" for another year. My goal is to change. And to change, you have to CHANGE.

Yesterday was nothing special. It wasn't a great day nor was it a bad day. It was just a blah day where I felt tired and rather unmotivated to do *anything*: the dishes sat in the sink, toys were left on the floor at bedtime, art projects remained all over the dinner table so that the kids and I grabbed leftovers and frozen stuff for dinner and ate in the living room on the sofa. I told myself I needed a break. I was feeling kinda stressed regarding the doctor's visit and the impending start of school/gymnastics/dance classes etc. It didn't help that I was mid-cycle, which usually means a few days of "blah" followed by a weight loss "whoosh" and a boost of energy a few days later (I was pre-whoosh and pre-boost). I pretty much sat around yesterday afternoon doing nothing but staring at the computer screen until my eyeballs hurt.

I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch. Then I decide to take a "break" from counting calories, and ate 3 cookies. They were okay. I didn't have any type of reaction to them. I made myself a bowl of macaroni & cheese for dinner (my ultimate comfort food) from Smart Taste "healthier" pasta and low fat milk. I skipped the vegetables. I continued my sitting festival until my child wanted me to take her outside for a bit. I was SO tired and drained that I could barely even walk around the backyard with her. I sat in a chair in a sugar fog. My energy level was ZERO and there was no way I was going to walk to the park with her. It was kinda sad...

When I went inside and she went to bed, I was feeling rather stressed. I felt tense. I started thinking about ice cream. I ate 2 more cookies but they did nothing for me. I made a store run and bought myself a pint of chocolate ice cream. I sat on the couch and slowly ate the whole thing. After the first two bites, my whole body relaxed. All the tension flowed out of me. All of my worries slipped away and I felt a real, physical and mental relief come over me like a wave. I sighed, I smiled, I felt like I'd just taken a Happy Pill. This stuff really is a drug to me.

After eating that, I was zonked. I was in the negative energy zone and went to bed with a weekend plan of getting the following accomplished:

sleeping in
sitting around letting dishes pile up
not cooking
buying some more of the foods I wouldn't normally eat, like maybe hot dogs
lazing about
not exercising
not even looking at a vegetable
doing nothing

All of that changed when I had a very vivid dream. In this dream, I was face to face with a fellow weight loss blogger (one who has succeeded in losing *all* her excess weight and is living a rich, energetic life as a result). In this dream I was like her. I was energized. I was happy. Being fit and healthy and moving daily was just *who I was*. We were talking about how happy exercise made us, by virtue of the results. And I woke up and remembered that I felt *exactly* like that last year when I weighed 214 pounds and was biking and strength training quite regularly. I woke up wanting to bike and lift and move, with no desire to eat junk. I just feel so recharged!

So the weekend laziness plan is scratched in favor of:

going to the park with my child
eating healthy for energy
cleaning the house
and THEN soaking in the tub for a relaxing evening!

The only thing I can control is now. If I choose to put off being healthy, even for a weekend, it is not going to help me reach my goals. I claim my own power over my future, by owning my actions in the *now.*

Have a great weekend!


fembot said...

today is a new day, and what happened yesterday is in the past.

keep thinking positively!

Karyn said...

Good for you Lynn! I am proud of you for snapping out of your slump. I know exactly how you feel. Right now I am sitting here feeling extremely stressed and panic mode-ey and there is absolutely now reason for me to feel that way. My bills are paid and kids are all set for school. But yet I feel as if I am going to have a panic attack and all I want to do is run to the fridge.

You are an inspiration and I think I will get up know and do my NROLW workout and take my daughter for a hike. I KNOW I will feel better afterwards.

Keep on truckin Lynn!

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I like the "only thing I can control is now" comment. Very true, and very wise.

I hope that your renewed sense of energy gives you a sense of accomplishment, and the trust that you can do all you desire!!

Taryl said...

Go Lyn! Make the healthy choices and reap the lasting rewards :)

Granna said...

I have been helping a friend who is attending Narcotics Anonymous and by going over her materials with her, I have come to realize just how much of a drug food is for me- it is my addiction and it is as real as any addiction. I do believe, however, that addictions can be held in check and eventually overcomed- but the issue will never go completely away. That is why we must stay vigilant! Keep on keeping on- you can do this!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Lyn. Sounds like your energy levels were replenished yesterday by the cookies and ice cream. Overnight your body restocked your liver so today you have a burst of energy to do all the things you want to do. This is why dieting is so tough - our bodies much prefer to take energy from our current intake rather than break down fat stores.

But also there is the inner child - the one that loves ice cream and cookies. So this is the second factor we are always battling against when dieting. Of course there are other ways of making the inner child happy - like a hug from your husband or a friend's support etc - but often these just aren't open to us.

The important thing to remember is that the moment when you most feel like "giving in" to your body is the moment when you are about to succeed in losing weight - when it has used up all it's energy stores in your organs and to keep going it will simply have to dig into your body fat.

Every time I get to that point - when I am crying with every step of exercise I am taking and crying because I don't want to eat all the healthy veggies and salad I've prepared for my evening meal - I just keep telling myself that it's when I do it when I really don't want to do it that makes the difference - it's a sign that I am about to lose weight. (Every pound lost costs me a whole load of crying)

As for the inner child ... that's much more difficult to deal with! I'm still struggling with that one myself. At the moment raspberries and strawberries are helping to keep it quiet.

Best wishes and all power to you Lyn.
PS Sorry for the length of this comment.

Janene said...

Hi Lynn!
I have been reading your posts on and off for some time now.
I started off at 290.4 pounds...and as of today I weight 272.6.
I choose to be hypnotised and so far so good. I am on my 3rd week!
I can start exercising after August 27th...they want us to wait for 30 days to get use to cutting our portion sizes.
I know how hard it is to lose weight and be a stay at home mom...I am there now and have been there on and off for the past 21 years!
I am a mother to 6 daughters, and even though they are all thin...I need to set a better example for them.
Keep up the good work and inspiration!

screwdestiny said...

This will probably sound harsh, and I'm sorry. But, this is why you have been struggling for so long. And you need to just put it to a stop. Not the determination that you suddenly had to have a good weekend. That's great. But last night. It seems like this happens a lot with you. Just needing comfort and turning to food and then a ton of calories later you feel a little better but it's not doing you ANY favors on your weight loss journey. You've been very honest about how you need somebody to support you and help you and love you and all of that and that's why you turn to food most of the time. It's got to be hard when you can't get all the things you really need. But you KNOW that eating a bunch of unhealthy stuff is not helping you and is not actually giving you what you need. To the contrary, it's just making you sad that you are not succeeding in losing the weight you so desperately want to get off. Whenever you want to turn to food, you need to be strong. You need to identify the fact that you're not hungry, that you don't need that crap, and just stop. As you've said before, all it takes is a split-second of willpower to make a good decision. I want to see you succeed, so please, start being tougher on yourself when it comes to this.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi again Lyn. Wow! I thought I was being a bit hard on you, a bit preachy in my comment above ....

I have to disagree about it just being a split second decision (SSD). If it is a SSD, then it's a SSD that has to be made sometimes hundreds of times every day and that is very tiring and stressful. A constant strain. And that is why sometimes, at the end of a day when this has been going on for hours - maybe behind the scenes, maybe fully consciously - then sometimes the decision goes the wrong way.

It's not a question of staying strong just for a few seconds. It's 100% commitment all day every day with your whole being. And this is so tough to achieve ... So maybe Screwdestiny is right and tough love is what's needed here after all...

Bearfriend xx
PS Thanks for the comment on my Blog - my first one!

PamL said...

We all need that internal motivation or nothing works. I am reading a great book that I would highly recommend- The End of Overeating by David Kessler. I think his premise is so good- food companies have come up with things to add to food to actually make them triggers. That makes them irresitable. But we can break old habits by forming new ones, which in turn creates new "neuro pathways" in our brain. Here's the link.

Deb said...

I've had that same tension-relieving experience from eating ice cream. I have found nothing that works as well at calming me down when I am stressed out.

Kudos to you for getting yourself out of your slump today!

Lyn said...


I noticed on your blog that you're trying to conquer your extreme fear of spiders. I think that's commendable! However, you might not find it helpful were I to come to your blog and leave a comment that said, "Just get over it! It's just a spider for gosh sakes!"

1) this would just be reiterating what you already know, have said yourself on your blog, and are trying to do, and
2) it's kind of insulting, and minimizes the real, true difficulty and physical reaction you have when you even attempt to look at a *picture* of a spider.

We all have our battles. I've said repeatedly on my blog what I know I must do; and just like you I'll do it to the best of my ability, in whatever amount of time it takes me to get there. So-called "tough love" has no place in either situation, IMO... especially coming from someone we've never met.

Apology accepted.

Goatlover said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Congrats on the change of heart, Lyn. Here's hoping you can be that woman of your dreams. You're def worth it.

Karen In Tennessee said...

Lyn, you inspire me! I want to change too. I want to stop taking breaks and start living healthy! Once again you have given me hope.

South Beach Steve said...

Lyn, I am so happy to read this post. It is as if you just turned the page on a new chapter in your book - good for you! It is pretty interesting, this goes right along with my video post for Monday, which I recorded earlier this afternoon. We could have been a tag-team for this it is so similar.

Kate said...

Isn't it the best when we assume we're going to dig our hole deeper, and we end up inspired instead, and move in the direction we really want to? I'm hoping for one of those days myself (starting right now!).

julie said...

I LOVE reading your blog and it always inspires me to do better. You have a gift of words that touches my heart. Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

I have spent most of the morning reading your archives. Thank you so much for taking the time to document your successes and struggles. I feel very inspired.

Leslie said...

Loved the inspiration you received from your dream. I shared with you how a dream got me started back on the journey to health and weight loss a couple of months back. I believe that is our truest highest self, our soul, speaking to us when such a relevant dream presents. Way to go by letting it speak to you.

Theophilus Academy said...

Great post!
It is hard to change your mindset, however it is not impossible!! Keep up the good fight!

Wendy DeMent