Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Annoyed...

I am irritated this morning because:

1) someone kept calling and hanging up at 7:30am on the ONE day my daughter decided to sleep past 6; and
2) last night I turned to food for comfort.

I am tired, slightly grumpy, but taking stock of the situation. Last night, after a successful day of eating within my calorie range, I was getting frustrated because I had a busy day and my daughter was *still* not asleep at 10:30. She'd fallen asleep in the car earlier and had a long nap, which usually results in a late night for her and no "me" time for me. At the end of my rope, I sat down with a bowl of cereal and started eating. Within 20 minutes, I'd eaten a bowl of Kashi whole grain cereal, a bowl of raisin bran (both with skim milk), 2 squares of extra dark chocolate (50 cal each), and 2 or 3 ounces of cheddar cheese. And maybe a half ounce of nuts. That's what I'm annoyed about. I don't like it when I "use" food that way. It's no different from someone having a hard day at work and heading to the bar to get drunk for relief. That bothers me.

You might look at that and say, "hey, that's not too bad! It was all healthy stuff! Lots of fiber, protein, and not the junky stuff you *used* to binge on." And that's true. In fact, it didn't even really feel like a binge, per se. I didn't feel frantic or desperate. I just felt tired and frustrated and wanted some kind of happiness to take the place of the frustration I was feeling. But when you consider that my little food festival came in at over 900 calories, it's obvious that this behavior is *not* conducive to weight loss, nutritious or not.

What I learned upon reflection this morning:

1) Don't eat nutrient-free meals during the day and expect to be okay at night. Yesterday I was at the mall for 4 hours and had a soft pretzel and a soy mocha for lunch. While I made it fit into my calories, it obviously was not the best choice and set me up for weakness later.

2) Cereal might be an issue. I almost *never* have cereal for breakfast because I feel so much better when I have protein + veggies or fruit. I buy relatively healthy cereals for my kids, and I like to have a bowl for a snack or dinner sometimes and it doesn't usually trigger me to overeat. However, yesterday I was in a rush and had a bowl of cereal for breakfast which set me up wanting carbs ALL DAY LONG. That led to the pretzel, and eventually to more cereal at night.

3) When I was tired and frustrated, all I wanted was some comfort. In fact, if I could have had a back rub or a nice, long hug and a few words of comfort at that moment, I wouldn't have even *thought* about eating. This is what is missing from my life, and I can't really fix that at the moment. I get very tired of being essentially a single mom, but that's just how it is right now. So I have to suck it up and deal in a way that doesn't involve overeating. This is the biggest issue, and the hardest to fix.

As I said yesterday, I know that eating stuff I wish I hadn't doesn't make me a bad person, but it might make me a fatter person. So I will be more careful today. I have no desire to eat junk or binge or any of that. I feel pretty much at peace this morning and know I will be eating healthy foods and getting some much-needed exercise in today.

I want to be strong; I want to be fit. I want to be loved, cherished, and held sometimes, too. Maybe someday I will be both.

23 comments:

Coley said...

You deserve both and you must have both! I hope both happens very, very soon :)

I feel you. Nutrient-free foods set you up for the same later. A miserable truth - blegh! Don't I know it!

bbubblyb said...

*hug*

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I think you hit on something really important about what we eat during the day helping us along or hurting our efforts.

Nutrient free food isn't all it's cracked up to be is it?

PatriciaW said...

Lyn, I have trouble with breakfast cereals too. The exception is Go-Lean High Protein/High Fiber. Now it tastes a bit like cardboard to some, but I'm okay with it, especially if you sprinkle a little cinnamon on it and add some raisins or sliced almonds.

Leslie said...

That was yesterday. Try and let it go, and if you can't let it go, let it be. You learned some good things through reflecting on it this morning and you are free to move on in this day at this moment.

moonduster said...

You'll do better today. (((hug)))

I have a problem with cereal too, as well as oatmeal. Both leave me craving more carbs, and when I have them in the morning, I am left feeling the urge to snack and munch all day.

Ria said...

There must have been something in the air . . . I did something very similar last night (my "festival" came in at around 1,200 calories) and wrote an annoyed blog about it this morning.

Here's hoping you find your both very soon.

Leslie said...

Sorry to double dip, but I read this post about cultivating a healing identity that really resonated for me. If you're interested, check it out. It's quite an excellent piece.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200908/the-healing-identity

Lisa said...

I love this post. It spoke to me today. I had a BAD night last night.

Pubsgal said...

{hugs} Not the same as "real life" support, I know, but I hope you will have all of those things. You deserve them. (FWIW, I've been "using" food lately too, out of stress/lack of good sleep, and I don't like that feeling either.)

Pubsgal said...

{hugs} Not the same as "real life" support, I know, but I hope you will have all of those things. You deserve them. (FWIW, I've been "using" food lately too, out of stress/lack of good sleep, and I don't like that feeling either.)

flyingwoman said...

That's the kind of "binging" I do...

And cereal is a problem for me too. Which is one of the reasons I have to absolutely praise you for the raw veggie cereal recipe you posted. While I was crazy dubious, I tried it anyway and now totally love it. I add a shake (less than a quarter cup) of Ezekiel 4:9 and a tiny bit of splenda.

It's been soooo long since I could happily indulge in cereal that it's positively lovely to have that option again.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Lyn. {{hug}}

Jenn said...

I've done the same thing, Lyn. Just this past week, actually!
What I'm trying to do is give myself concrete examples of what to do when I feel this way - things that don't include food.
So far I have come up with:
A large cup of water or some tea
Call my mom
If my kids are around, turn on the music and start dancing.
If my kids are asleep, grab a book or organize some place in my house that needs organizing.
At least you KNOW when these snack attacks happen - hopefully next time you'll be prepared!

She-Fit said...

Cereal is one thing that I can not keep in the house. It sets me up for complete disaster.

Taryl said...

Oh Lyn! I am just so thrilled to see this didn't throw you too off track, keep at it! I have the same problem with most cereals for breakfast - though it is higher calorie, I really do better with the munchies throughout the day if I have a good, low-sugar nutty granola and some organic plain yogurt than a bowl of fiber one with milk - I need substanive nutrition in the mornin and afternoon to help me thwart my cravings at night. Junk food isn't worth it at the time, nor is it worth it later, in most cases.

Lady G said...

Hope you enjoyed your healthier day today! I can totally identify with wanting to eat cereal for fun at any time of day, but how much better I feel with a protein and veg brekky.

Tammy said...

I don't keep cereal in my house anymore....I just can't. I can eat great all day, break out the cereal at 9 or 10pm and absolutely blow all of my efforts. I had to stop.

Melanie said...

I'm giving you a blog award. Stop by my blog to get it.

Deniz said...

Lyn - first of all a 'zen hug' from the UK

From where I see things you are actually doing brilliantly. Put aside the disappointment if you can. Take some credit and have pride in yourself and the great things you are doing.

OK, you ate under frustrated, stressed circumstances. OK, you made a couple of less than great choices and overstepped the calorie mark you'd planned.

But... and this is such a huge GOOD THING... you didn't gorge on crap... you realised straight away what caused the problem ... and you've done something to address it.

You do deserve both the fitness and the cherishing. Indeed you deserve so much more. I hope life brings you the reward for all the amazing hard work you are doing. Keep it up, my dear.

eilismaura said...

I am a big believer in larger meals earlier in day -- not always a big breakfast though generally larger than many others I know prefer. But lunch?? OMG that has to be big for me. After that I have very little interest in dinner or other night time eating.

It is hard to eat in such a different pattern than the rest of the family but then I have other health issues so I use that as an out and have my meals off schedule of the rest of my family.

Anonymous said...

you deserve so much more love and affection than you get at this time. Please trust that it'll come if you continue to have love and patience in your heart. Patience is a true virtue Lyn xoxo Patty

ilovenovember said...

You are such a fantastic writer, and I can empathize with you about the lack of affection. I know what you mean when you say a hug or back rub would satisfy and you wouldn't even be thinking of eating. Hang in there, and know that many moms and dads are in the same boat!