When I started this weight loss blog, I did it for *me.* It didn't matter if anyone read it, whether they liked it or not, or what anyone thought of me. I didn't care if people told me I'd never succeed or that I was doing it all wrong. I was just here to write down what I was doing, how I felt, and what worked and didn't work for *me.* The readers and the support I got along the way was a wonderful surprise, and I love how caring people are. I love getting to know people through their comments and their blogs, too.
And I get emails, sometimes, telling me that reading my blog inspired someone to start losing weight themselves. That because I could do it, they felt they could do it too. And I feel so happy knowing that somewhere out there, a few people actually changed their lives for the healthier because of something I wrote.
But I also see people surpassing me on the weight loss front, and I have such mixed feelings about it. Just like in real life, when you have a fat friend who decides to go on a diet, you feel happy for them... yet somehow a little jealous, or even threatened if they are succeeding and you're not. I've lost friends as I lost pounds because *I* was losing and *they* were not... even though I sent no judgement or negativity their way. I've had people tell me that they feel happy for my success yet angry, too, because they can't seem to lose weight like I have. And I've had friends who lost weight while I stayed fat. It's a guilty feeling when you look at your friend and think, "gosh, I feel like such a slacker now that they are thinner and I stayed fat. It makes me feel like a failure." I've even had people tell me they hoped I'd stop losing weight because it made them feel bad about themselves.
There's something really basic and human about those feelings. We can be glad for the good that happens to others yet jealous in a way because we want it for ourselves. Like the 30-something woman watching as all her friends get married and have babies... there is joy but sadness. Maybe you want it too. You wonder what's wrong with you, whether you'll ever find the right guy, whether you'll ever have a family. You feel your biological clock ticking. Always the bridesmaid...
Oh, I know there are women who don't want to get married or have kids, just as there are women who don't want to lose weight. Nothing wrong with that. But I am talking about those base emotions we all have when we see someone else achieving what we so desperately want. It's tough. And it makes us feel guilty.
I have gotten several emails, and comments as well, from people who started losing weight after reading my blog a year or 18 months ago. They've lost the weight, they're happy, they thank me for the inspiration. I read blogs of people who *started* losing weight long after I started, who have reached maintenance, who are going strong. And here I sit, still fat. Still struggling. It's hard. I am glad for them, yet it makes me ache inside. I want it, too. But I haven't worked hard enough for it to get it. Still, it gives me that same feeling in the pit of my gut... the feeling I used to have when I'd see pregnant women walking down the street or new mothers carrying their tiny babies after I'd had a miscarriage. Not that I want to take away their joy. But... well, you know what I mean.
I remember when I was still losing steadily, and I'd get emails from people saying, "It makes me so jealous that YOU have lost the weight and I am still fat!" I had total compassion for those people. I wanted to bring them along with me. But I couldn't, anymore than those of you who've been successful with weight loss can bring me along with you. We all have to take each step for ourselves. We have to do our own work.
I'm sure I will lose the weight. I know I will. And I would wager I won't be obese anymore by this time next year. Slow and steady, step by step. I won't give up. I'll cheer you on as you succeed. I'll use your success as inspiration, as many of you used mine. Better to see the success of others as motivation, rather than becoming discouraged. We can ALL reach our goals. Do the work. The results will come.
Calories yesterday: 1359 plus fruits/vegs. Biked 30 minutes (6 miles, resistance 3-4) and walked 15 minutes.
Doing great on the calories today so far. Already biked 30 minutes (6.1 miles, resistance mostly 4 with a bit of 5) and will walk to the park later.
Baby Robins, 7/13, 11 days old:
When I was walking into the house, they'd just been fed and were peeking over the edge of their nest at me. I *think* there are still 3 babies in there, but it's really hard to tell:
Today, 12 days old. I think they'll be flying the coop in a day or two:
1 day ago